The Psycho Ex Wife

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I tend to be falsely accused of sharing information about court hearings and other litigation-related matters with the children.  This is simply due to PEW’s penchant for projection.  It’s something we know that she does with the kids regularly.  In fact, she shares so much inappropriate information with them it amazes me every day that they do as well as they do in school and other areas of life.  When a psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband is falsely accusing you of something, there is a very strong chance that they are doing the exact thing (or something close to it) which they’re accusing you of perpetrating.

Bottom line is that we just don’t do it.  While there have been occasions where we have been approached by the children with questions (exclusively prompted by things said by PEW), we handle those carefully, in age appropriate ways, and move away from any unnecessary details.

The very night after the end of the crap detailed in “Custody Exchange Logistics” - I got a voice mail from PEW describing how S1 was really upset and it had something to do with the court stuff.  I replied via email:

PEW,

Got your voice mail. Perhaps if you could be a little more specific, I might be able to understand what S1 was upset about.

I can assure you that I don’t speak to S1 about our ongoing issues in any capacity. During last night’s phone call, all we discussed was school and homework. He told me that he was doing good but that sometimes he didn’t understand what he was doing regarding math and reading. He told me that you try to help him and I told him that if he could tell me what it was he was having trouble with, I could certainly help him, too. I told him that I thought it would be a better idea to do homework when he came home when stuff was “fresh in your mind” instead of watching television and doing his work so late in the evening. He understood that. He seemed a little frustrated, but that was all we discussed.

This past weekend, we did nothing but play, watch a couple of shows, and watch the tide come in and go out, and have a party. The weather and full moon made the back bays flood and there were some interesting sights to see as a result. There was no discussion (there never is) about our predicament. He did express some concern about having to move again. It was a short discussion and I assured him that we would make sure that the transition to a new place would be as smooth as we could make it, though I don’t really know how that will be accomplished.

Do you have any idea regarding where you are moving to or when? It’s certain a very important issue.

~LM

That was it. I gave her a detailed explanation and her voice mail was very confusing and out of left field (as they often were).

LM,

I won’t have to move at all if the judge awards the counsel fees. If we do have to move, the kids can thank you some day for that. As far as last night, he specifically got off the phone and started crying about “the feud” as he called it. I find it hard to believe that OUR kids don’t hear anything from your end, since DW’s kids seem to know quite a bit, as evidenced by my conversations with them at the courthouse over the summer. I told S1 that it’s already been settled, they are staying with me and will continue to see you as much, if not more as they do now. Unless you move back, in which case they would see you ALOT more.

You need to do some serious examination of your conscience.

~PEW

And just that fast her concern about the kids vanished as she went into her usual blame mode and money grabbing scheming. Shocker.

I would ignore that, but she would offer a follow-up…

LM,

by the way, it was 7:45 when we were doing homework last night, not “so late in the evening”.

~PEW

Their bed time at the time was 8 o’clock during school nights. That would make it “late in the evening” for the boys aged 5 and 8. Duh. Pure genius, she is.

Another commonality with the high-conflict ex is their ability to turn their own logic on a dime.  Her problems and any problems regarding the children were originally due to my involvement in their lives and my proximity to them and all she wanted was me to go away and get the hell out of their lives.  When I was relegated to non-custodial parent status and 200-miles away, her problems and any problems regarding the children were due to my absence from their lives and the distance I was away from them and all she wanted me to do was move back (and sometime even suggested I move in).

Of course, now that I’m back, all she wants is to minimize my custody again and have me go away.  And people wonder why I’m alarmed by her craziness, her unnecessary and excessive child custody litigation, and it’s ultimate impact on the children.

Be prepared if you have one of your own.  This shit will never stop.  Push-pull, pull-push, stay-go stay-go go-stay, SPLITTING, I hate you - don’t leave me, etc.

In October of 2006, right before the major-major hearing on child custody, came another situation that was a total clusterflock for several reasons.  One, PEW seemed to take some sick pleasure in willfully defying the court’s orders.  Two, I still had a tendency to use provocative language from time to time.  Other than habitually defending one’s self against false accusations and irrational behavior, there is no more foolish a way to escalate a conflict with a PEW faster than using “triggering” language.  We were still in the middle of “The Very Clear Court Order is Unclear to PEW” mode.

However, that’s not the interesting part of this exchange.  The interesting part of this exchange is the sense of entitlement that is so often talked about on this blog.  It’s a really excellent example of how psycho ex’s expect the entire world to bow to their whims.  If you thought PEW’s repeatedly asking me to come back or move in, or share a residence with her moving out while DW and I move in alternating weekly took unmitigated gall - well, this one goes one step further.

October 2006…

LM,

I am asking the judge for attorney’s fees. That’s the whole reason my house is for sale….it’s not fair to the kids. You did this to us…..you should FIX it. What the hell did you think was going to happen?? These poor kids……

~PEW

Well, of course, everyone should know by now that everything bad that happens in PEW’s life is my fault. Always was… always will be. This is one of two times she put the house she bought in 2005 up for sale because she couldn’t afford it and that was before the foreclosure issue that cropped up in 2008.  By the way, that was also my fault.

I ignore, but reply about the forthcoming custody exchange.  Of course, I didn’t ignore it because I knew about low-contact.  I ignored it because of the litigation that was forthcoming the following week.  However, I open up my email with a stupid comment that would serve to give her cause to escalate and me right along with her…

PEW,

I was wondering if you were going to follow the Judge’s interim order regarding exchanges and meet this weekend for the exchange or continue to defy Judge [Contempt]?

Please let me know so I can make appropriate arrangements. I expect to be going to [grandmom's] again.

~LM

Oh to have learned about and gained the discipline to work low-contact magic so many years before I actually did…

LM,

I’m not defying Judge [Contempt]. If I am going to be doing driving, provisions will need to be made to the support order. You have already caused me and the children undue financial hardship with your unfounded litigation. I intend to show the Judge next week why I should not be driving. In the interim, you always have the option of leaving DW and moving back up here…..the judge said she would certainly be willing to give you MORE time with the children. You need to start doing the right thing for a change.

~PEW

Ah. Money. So, when she’s not claiming it’s about the “safety” of the children, she reveals the true motivation - money. And of course, there was the obligatory “leave DW” request and move back. And, staying truly consistent, me wanting more custodial time with the children is unfounded litigation despite being what we had agreed to from the very outset. Her fighting against me having more custodial time, well… that’s not unfounded. Nor were all of her falsely sworn petitions and testimony.

But that’s not all…

LM,

here’s a thought for ya….POE and DW have NOOOO family in [home state], how bout they ALL move to [custody state]. You know why that’s not happening……because DW thinks her own children are more important than ours……and so do you obviously.

~PEW

Now THERE it is! Now, ignore the fact that POE and DW actually DO have family in reasonable proximity to where we were living. Focus on the reality, as warped as it is, that she would have the reasonable expectation that all of these people would sell their homes, leave their jobs, move away from their family - simply for PEW’s convenience. I think that beats the few stories of her requests for me to move back in with her, or to do a “birdnesting” custody arrangement where we would even dare move into and out of her home on a weekly basis. POE, DW, their kids, and I should I just up and leave our jobs, sell our homes, kids leave their schools, their friends, and relocate closer to PEW because that’s what she thinks is right and reasonable.

Only in the mind of a PEW…

This is a true story!  And it’s a good one, for a change of pace.

Now, you’re all probably aware that, with the occasional few usual and customary glitches from time-to-time, we’re pretty proud of how our children handle themselves in all areas of life. We can take them out to dinner, go to parties, go to the beach, travel, visit, go to school… etc. etc. etc.

One time, a handful of years ago, we though we had uncovered a way to parlay their behavior into a money-making venture!

The year was 2006 and a court date had come to a close.  It was time to head home. We had the entire crew of four children and were heading to home-state when it was time to stop for “road dinner.”  We decided to do our usual stop at one of our most favorite pizza joints - Sbarro.  Thick, disgraceful, extra ginormous Sbarro pizza slices!

We disembark from the Family Truckster pick a place to sit and ask the kids to sit down, keep the “restaurant voice level” in place, and we were going to go order the Sbarro pizza and get the drinks. Then we head to perform our road-trip pizza parental duties - retrieving the food. Monitoring them from a distance, we see them chatting and laughing and essentially following the orders we left for them. The pizza is ordered.  We grab the drinks.  Then, we’re off to the table…

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The thrilling conclusion continuing from Part I on the childcare situation that was part of the 2007 contempt of court matter…  we continue to trade emails and accomplish absolutely nothing, as we were prone to do in the high-contact days of 2006…

LM,

Please call Neighbor at 1-XXX-GUNSFORKIDS She is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known….or even better maybe you could sit down with her on friday for a little bit and discuss whatever concerns are bothering you……PLEASE

~PEW

Uhhhh, no.

PEW,

I’m not going to continue to do this contentious dance with you.

You can’t stick to any agreement nor order. That much is clear. We had an agreement that is in accordance with the orders, and you have violated that and are immediately being uncooperative in putting things back the way they were.

So, I will contact [attorney] accordingly about your refusal to put S2 back into the agreed-upon childcare facility of YOUR choosing - AUCF, and do what is necessary to make that happen.

~LM

Oh, yes I am gonna continue this dance! I’m a rockhead!

LM,

I am agreeing to look at alternatives. If you want to make it happen quicker then you’ll have to make some phone calls. I did not “choose” AUCF….how was I supposed to know, having never driven there in rush hour traffic that it would take me almost a half hour to get there and a half hour from there to work? I just assumed if it was set up by the district it must be logistically feasible….BUT IT ISN’T…..they even agreed with me when I called the district about how ridiculous it is that there is only ONE location for AM CARES.

Let me know what alternatives you come up with. I am not obligated by the court order to immediately take him back to AUCF. It says “or agreed upon license day care facility”. Find one that we can agree on. I don’t have time to make a million phone calls…..

~PEW

She keeps saying this despite the fact that it was working perfectly fine right up until the time she found a way to shave the overall costs of childcare that was rolled into the child support order by placing S2 with Neighbor. Talk about transparent.  The next one shocks me…

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And so it continued, in 2006, it was one mad email exchange between two knuckleheads after another.  The court re-affirmed that the children were to be put in the agreed-upon childcare facility after PEW pulled them out the first week of the school year and placed them with her neighbor.  This, of course, occurred after a child support order was put in place that accounted for the costs of the agreed-upon child care facility - a figure she would later claim (falsely) she was paying the neighbor to watch S2.  The ink wasn’t even dry on the order and she informed me that she was filing a “motion for reconsideration” on the childcare issue.  This was the week following the hearing.  Soon thereafter, she classically flip-flopped and, of course, I would go right along for the latest email rollercoaster ride…

LM,

I’m not filing a petition for reconsideration, because I can’t afford it. But here is what I am going to do. I am going to list out for you all the reasons why Neighbor’s is best and why going to [Agreed-Upon Childcare Facility (AUCF) is NOT:

Going to Neighbor's:
1. S2 loves going there.
2. He can take a nap in the morning if he's still tired.
3. Neighbor's son is our son's best friend and they play together all morning. They get along great.
4. Neighbor takes him to the bus stop, right outside of her house.
5. Neighbor gives him individual attention and affection that he would not be getting at AUCF.
6. He now loves kindergarten, whereas before going to Neighbor's he was crying everyday when I dropped him off and everyday when I picked him up. (ask S1, it was horrible)
7. He gets to eat a "hot lunch" at Neighbor's at least twice a week, instead of the usual cold sandwich.
8. It's only for 7 more months.

Going AUCF:
1. He would have to get dropped off earlier, making his day a 10 hour day instead of the current arrangement of 5 hrs. (stressful for a five year old)
2. He cried everyday and was extremely tired every night.
3. S1 would have to be enrolled in before care because he wouldn't be able to take the bus at 8:20 due to the fact that S2 would need to be dropped off at 8 so that I could be in work on time.
4. Additional costs due to "before care" for both kids.
5. I would have to wake both of the kids up ealier in order to get out of the house on time.

Be reasonable LM....put aside your absolute hatred of me for one second and consider making a gesture of goodwill here towards your sons.

~PEW

"Be reasonable, LM" = Do what I say now that I've unilaterally changed things for the millionth time. Not acquiescing to my demands = being unreasonable. Only in the mind of a PEW... followed by...

LM,

I've been thinking more about this. If your intent is to file contempt charges against me, then I'll look into putting S1 in a licensed facility in [Mytown]….Not AUFC though because the distance is just not feasible. The order says something like “agreed upon” licensed facility, right?…..so I’ll look into a few and get back to you with some names and we can decide which one you want him to go to. That’s the option here…..AUFC is not one of the options.

I gotta tell you though, if that’s what you are going to force me to do….. you’re doing the WRONG thing. S2 is quite happy and healthy where he is.

~PEW

This is a common trait of a PEW. You must remember that this was, in fact, an agreed-upon childcare facility. This facility was actually chosen by PEW. The children went there all summer long while she had the same work schedule. The children started off the school year there and it was incorporated into the child support number. This was all about her pocketing the difference between what the actual cost of AUCF was and the lesser amount (later proven in court) she was paying to neighbor. Again, when we talk about the projection of accusations, particularly when it comes to something being “all about the money” - there is no mistake - it is her and she had been doing this for 2 years (at the time).

Further, in keeping with common PEW traits, you’ll notice that ANY facility is now okay with her, except the one we agreed to. How often do I talk about PEW’s either never agreeing to any settlement offer on any issue or reneging on agreements that you rarely actually have happen or flat-out disregard orders to stick to agreements? Just another example folks.

PEW,

I think [Neighbors] are very, very nice people. That said, their children are out of control, despite your ongoing assertions to the contrary. I grow tired of listening to S1 tell me stories about how [Older Neighbor Kid (ONK)] constantly is BEATING on not only his own brother, but on our S2 as well. It’s no wonder they behave the way they do and still engage in physical confrontations with one another, others, and at school. I have no idea what kind of movies or games they are playing, but I am still disturbed by the fact that every time I come over there… [ONK] is “armed to the teeth” with toy firearms and when he is not shooting me and others, is showing off his substantial arsenal. I still haven’t been told the types of video games they have despite repeated requests. The list goes on.  Their children are BAD (at least ONK) and the potential negative influence on ours is already evident. I once asked S1, “well what does [their Mom] do when ONK is hitting the kids?” He said, “Oh, she beats him.”

Great.

I don’t want them being watched by [Neighbors], and it is nothing personal. It is about “giving a shit” (as you so eloquently put it) about the boys. It’s not an environment that I want the children spending MORE time in than they already do. He’s tired in the morning because you don’t put either child in bed at a reasonable hour. Try 8PM, like they should be going to bed every night.

Now, as far as AUCF, I simply don’t believe you. I think S2 puts on the show for you because, as I have always maintained, that’s an act that he ONLY DOES FOR YOU. Always has and always will unless you put a stop to it. When I spoke to S2 about his time at beforecare and aftercare and he always told me he enjoyed it and the things he would do while there. Never once did he ever tell me he hated it. The fact remains that the only reason that you pulled him out was to pocket the money and I wish you would stop with the fiction that you’re paying [Neighbor] “the same amount” as the childcare facility… particularly when you spent so much time complaining about what the nanny was paid when what you ALLEGEDLY paid [Mrs. JM] and [Neighbor] (when factored out to a 5-day week) was FAR MORE money for FAR LESS time with the children than Nanny.

Please, stop lying.

Finally, I ask you to read the things you write… because most of this is about financial and logistical convenience for you, NOT the children - quite surprisingly, parroting the same issues I’ve brought up to you when it comes to travel and exchanges… and you haven’t done a single thing to make life easier on THE CHILDREN (even where their safety is concerned) since you started these things rolling.

So, there is your answer. If you want to send me a reply, feel free… I won’t address it any further.

It’s AUCF or some other equally qualified facility. I suggest you do so rather quickly as I am considering a petition to the courts for modification of support, even if it is just for the credit I’m owed since you pulled S2 out of the agreed-upon childcare facility. I also find it interesting (and I’m sure that the court will, too) that S1 didn’t previously need “beforecare” and you now use this threat to continue to try to be manipulative.

I don’t have “total hatred” for you, actually - it is you who is driven by hate and revenge. If you would simply do what has been ordered and/or agreed to, there would be no contentiousness… but as always - you are constantly looking for the next thing to be combative about. You need to stop it sooner rather than later.

~LM

Even today, I still roll my eyes at myself when I write “I will not address it any further” because we all know by now (at least back in the day) that it was a near impossibility.

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