The Psycho Ex Wife

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Yes, I know - I’m jumping back into the past just as we were beginning to launch into the divorce take-off. Too bad! I happened upon this and it gives some insight as to the perceptions of someone on her side of the family.

EJ, who I haven’t profiled, until now, is the oldest brother of the 4 inlaw children. PP is #1. PEW is #2. EJ is #3. EJ was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (as was PP a few years later). PEW and I were instrumental in convincing EJ to voluntarily entered a hospital when he was having a particularly alarming episode. During his 3-day stay, he was diagnosed as bipolar, and started on a regimen of treatment and medication that proved instrumental in helping him get out of a mind-hell that he was living. He was pissed at us for cajoling him into checking himself in. He was in denial for a short period afterwards, but followed the recommendations and really turned things around for himself. He married his beautiful girlfriend, got himself a fantastic job, now has 3 children. He is a prime example of how well things can turn out when you follow the program and take care of yourself in the aftermath of such a diagnosis. PP, on the other hand, is the direct opposite. There must be a psychological case-study in there somewhere.

EJ and I always had a good relationship. He was a funny, caring guy. A big “teddy-bear” if there ever was one. S1 and S2 love him lots, too. Unfortunately, as happens with a divorce, the last time I saw EJ was probably New Year’s Day of 2004. I hear from the kids that he and his family are doing well - at least insofar as the children understand that to be the case.

During a discussion in the aftermath of my being ejected from Christmas 2001, PEW had told me about how everyone was up-in-arms over my allegedly inappropriate behavior. She challenged me to “call EJ and ask him!” I called her bluff and did. He assured me that few, if anyone, expressed any such sentiment. Except for PP, that is.

Following our phone discussion, we had an email exchange… it was December 26th, 2001…

EJ,

I’m not going to excuse-make. Just so you know - as does your sister - I have a zero-tolerance policy on people making fun of the kids. That policy extends to both families, and I give you my personal assurance, me asking your brother, calmly, to “please stop making fun of my kids’ physical attributes was a LOT nicer than what I’ve had to say to my own brothers on rare occasion.

I’ve had enough and I am going to address it on-the-spot no matter who does it. I’ve had enough of dealing with EE, your sister (who has previously called him “psycho” and “serial killer” among other nicities), last night with [your brother] and both [my younger brothers].

The only people who I’ve not had to contend with (excluding the grandmothers and my own father), are you and my brother VAM, who seem to understand the concept of not making fun of young children.

If I was wrong for not taking your brother aside and telling him, I can live with that. Know this - I’ve told your sister to address it with the family in the past, and it clearly hasn’t worked. So I will now address it on a case-by-case basis. I’ll make no apologies for that.

~LM

EJ’s reply…

LM,

I hear you, dude. Even though he was just kidding, S1 is at that age where he understands things better. That is for you and PEW to discuss. PP has NO right. She is a ticking time-bomb!

~EJ

Well, that was somewhat a relief…

EJ,

WARNING: PEW is going to call you because she alleges that you claimed that I “had no right” and you were “mad at me.”

Again, if that’s the case - we should talk. If it is not - be prepared to be told that is how you should feel. I thought it only fair to warn you. She also said [your fiance] was mad about it.

~LM

LM,

I am not mad and [fiance] definitely is not mad. I never said you had no right. I actually haven’t said a word about it. It went a lot deeper than the issue with [brother], that was obvious. However, any issues that you and PEW have is for you guys to work out. PP should seek help on her own problems before she wants to address others’. I would just like to see you guys work it out. I think no differently man.

~EJ

EJ,

I appreciate the good thoughts, EJ. I mean that.

~LM

LM,

I like you, LM, and so does my family. You probably find that hard to believe at times, but it is very true. Things work themselves out. Everyone goes through their spats.

~EJ

EJ,

Well, your sister is telling me that everyone in the family is alienated from me (a direct quote) and that everyone is pissed at me and that everyone, including [fiance] said that I acted inappropriately.

Now, it is crap like that which prevents us from ever achieving a solution on ANYTHING that she has a problem with.

Those are direct quotes from PEW. Then, when she challenged me to “go on and call EJ” - I told her that I already had talked to you and said no such thing. Sorry to put you on the spot like that, but it needed to be said and I will discuss nothing that you and I have discussed with her. I promise.

~LM

LM,

They love drama, dude. What can I say??? I never said such a thing and to say [fiance] of all people said something to that effect is a total lie. I even talked to [brother] on the phone and he didn’t even seem bothered. Basically, he just took it as you were having a bad day or fighting with PEW. PP was obviously the only one that was vocal. Enough said there. I’m heading out. Give me a call later, I’m going to be setting up the fish tank.

~EJ

If nothing else, EJ sure has his sisters’ number. PP is a ticking time-bomb and they most certainly loved drama (and embellishing and lying and manipulating…) I’ve not heard a cross word during the entire relationship from either of the boy siblings. Quite the contrary, they were often quite sympathetic to me when it came to anything involving the psycho-twins. I’m not sure if that has always been the case, but they’ve never interjected themselves into the drama, and have never confronted me about anything. If they have said anything to PEW or PP negatively, I’d bet money it was simply to “keep the peace” - pretty much like everyone seems to have to do around these two.

Back to the good ‘ole days…

Christmas 2001 was a surreal experience. The holiday was already an unmitigated disaster dating back to Thanksgiving. My grandmother had died and PEW saw fit to descend to new depths of disrespect and viciousness. It was pretty tough. I was dreading Christmas at the Dysfunction Compound (the in-laws) but we were going just the same.

The day was progressing innocently enough. That was, until S1 (3-years old at the time) was chasing a toy under the dining room table and smacked his head on a support. No big deal, a short duration of crying and no real damage done. However, one of PEW’s brothers (the most normal one) saw fit to use that situation to make fun of S1’s head and then subsequently his ears.

Remember now, since nearly the birth of S1, I have had to deal with withholding my anger at PEW’s family who are incessant verbal abusers of one another under the guise of being funny. I did (and do) my share of that with my own brothers. I’m sure it exists in most families. This is different. It’s mean-spirited most of the time and not done in true good humor. PEW’s sister and father (no surprise) were masters. Anytime I broached the subject with PEW, she’d have a near panic-attack and assure me that she’d address it. I believe sometimes she did and sometimes she didn’t. However, when no one in your family has any real respect for you, the effect was typically short-lived.

Now, we were all in the living room sitting on various pieces of furniture, I remember I was laying on the floor facing the dining room where S1 had just smacked his head, and PEW’s bro was tending to him. Truth be told, I have no doubt that PEW’s bro was not being malicious. That wasn’t the point. After the 3 comments about the size of S1’s head, and despite S1’s clear upset at it, he made fun of his ears. Twice. I watched the whole thing unfold.

I said something. First time ever.

I wasn’t outraged. I wasn’t loud. In fact, I was trying to be as discreet as possible given the holiday and the company. Low volume, hoping only he would hear it, I simply and calmly said, “Bro, please don’t make fun of S1 like that.”

He didn’t hear what I said and asked, “What?” It was as if someone turned off every noise in the room. I think I may have heard crickets. Still, I calmly repeated myself, “I just asked you to please not make fun of S1’s head or ears.”

Just as he was replying, surprised, “Oh! Okay. I’m sorry” and as he was turning to S1 saying, “Hey, little guy, I’m sorry for saying that.” All hell started to break loose.

PEW got the rage-face on and asked me what I had said as Psycho-SIL (PP) was listening intently to me respond, calmly, “I asked him not to make fun of S1’s head and ears. No big deal.” She began to lay into me about how rude and inconsiderate I was. I said nothing as I rose and removed myself to the kitchen. They followed me (PEW and PP). The volume started rising as the both of them launched into a high-volume, expletive-laced tirade about how it was the holidays and how could I embarrass Bro like that and I should have taken him aside (as if that would have mattered).

My voice rose as I bellowed back, “Everyone needs to calm down. This is no big deal. I made a request of Bro, he acknowledged it and apologized, and everyone needs to stop, especially in front of the kids!”

They didn’t stop. Right then, S1 comes toddling into the kitchen followed by PEW’s mother, MM. Uncharacteristic of her, she yells, too, with S1 standing right there, “All I know is that I can’t stand any more of this fucking bullshit and everyone better stop it!”

At that point, I had nothing more to say. I forget if it was PEW, PP or both of them - I was then ordered to leave. As I looked around the room and no one stepped up to say, “HOLY CRAP, THIS IS A COMPLETE OVER-REACTION” - I kept my mouth shut, walked out of the kitchen, donned my coat, kissed the boys, and left. I got in my car and I drove home on Christmas Day 2001 and spent it watching television alone…

…because I asked someone to stop making fun of my son.

I was ejected from Christmas! I was pissed beyond all reason, but the time alone saw that subside and I just decided that was enough. I wasn’t going to discuss the matter. Lo and behold, I got the silent treatment for most of the rest of the holiday season.

I can’t recall what precipitated this IMversation which occurred on 1/3/2002, based on my re-read, we must have had a serious discussion about things in the day or so prior to it which is when I likely broached the subject of bipolar disorder. Her older brother is diagnosed bipolar (treated and manages it very well last I heard). He had an episode or two a handful of years earlier. Her sister, PP, is diagnosed bipolar and generally was a complete uncontrollable mess during this time (untreated still as far as I know). Further, I had been researching it as the behaviors sort-of matched, and I was feeling like I was reaching my breaking point. So I confronted her about my suspicions. If you’ve read my post titled “When Psycho Sisters Attack“ - you’ll further understand the depths of my fears that these two primarily parent the children when in PEW’s custody.

PEW: got a minute
LM: Yep.
PEW: i just want to make sure before I make the appointment to see a Psychiatrist that we are on the same page
LM: k
PEW: so if the Doctor says that I am “normal”…..we can part ways….amicably??
LM: We’ll see.
PEW: well i need more than we’ll see……i mean that’s pretty much what you’ve been saying all along
LM: Sure.
PEW: sure?
LM: Yep.
PEW: i don’t understand what you are saying
LM: Sure, if you aren’t diagnosed with anything, you go ahead and file. I’ll have been wrong in my beliefs that it can be fixed and you do what you need to do.
PEW: well I can go ahead and file now…..
LM: You sure can.
PEW: the piece that’s missing is your cooperation
LM: There is nothing that I can do to stop you from filing.
—————

How much more “blessing” does she need? I told her to see a psychiatrist of my choosing. If after going through some meaningful therapy she was given a clean bill of mental health - I would give her a divorce.

—————
PEW: i need that so that I can get my half of the house and move etc…. i can’t move with NO money
LM: We’ll do whatever the judge says.
PEW: well I can’t get legal aid unless I move out
LM: Unless ordered by a judge, I will not continue to further bury the family financially.
PEW: i’m kind of in a pinch here
LM: Well, selling the house for you to file for divorce isn’t an option. Sorry. Borrow it from y
our dad or something. He’ll get his money back when the judge makes us liquidate.
PEW: well then i’ll have to move in with my parents. there isn’t any other option because I can’t get legal aid while we live together and it’s going to be a mess
LM: Sorry.
PEW: it’s a shame really. it’s only one month sooner than I originally said. what’s the problem
LM: Yeah, it’s a shame.
—————

Okay, now after all of these years of badgering me for a divorce, I essentially give her a yellow-light with a green-light pending, and she has a host of demands that I should just willingly go along with so that she can do it with as much ease and without financial burden as possible. Yeah, okay.

—————
PEW: why would you want to be married to a “crazy” anyway
LM: I love you.
PEW: well, I love you too, but #1….I am not going to married to someone who thinks I am Bipolar….
LM: IF you have an illness of some sort, you’re not “crazy.”
PEW: #2 ….I’m not going to be married to someone who is so unpredictable…..
LM: Fine.
PEW: #3…I can’t be married to someone who is at odds with my family
LM: Okay. I’m not at odds with your family.
PEW: you’ you’re not?
LM: Your family is at odds with me because they can’t deal with being told not to make fun of the children.
PEW: yeah. well listen…..I’m not going to the Psychiatrist because, the same thing will be accomplished by me moving in with my parents
—————

Yes, it sure will. Hindsight seems to indicate that you never should have left your parents home. Ever. Between wanting to move our family on top of them to always running and leaving to go stay with them, it was clear that’s where she wanted to be, though Lord only knows why.

—————
LM: No it won’t.
PEW: yeah…it will
LM: And be assured, you’re not moving in with your parents with the boys.
PEW: we’ll go to court….and a judge will decide. what are you going to do. you can’t stop me
LM: I’ll file for custody of the children, ask for an immediate judgement because I can’t have my children living under the same roof with an alcoholic.
PEW: well i’ll just tell the judge that you wouldn’t move out…..so I had to
LM: Nor can I have them exposed to the periodic visits from somebody who is suffering from a mental illness, is prone to violence and stalking, and has tried to kill herself
PEW: he isn’t going to take the kids from me because of my family
LM: Yes, he will. Count on it..
—————

Foolish me believing that would matter. Obviously, based on my post from the other day, none of the (3) custody evaluators, armed with that knowledge, even from PEW’s own mouth and writings… seemed to think that was detrimental to the children, so what the hell do I know?

—————
PEW: you’re prone to violence too. don’t try to scare me LM
LM: I’m not.
PEW: whatever happens ….happens…..i think you’re mentally ill…..i also think you are an alcoholic
LM: Now, this conversation is over. You have your answer.
PEW: so they are better off with me
LM: I refuse to argue with you anymore on any topic.
PEW: well….i’m moving to my parents house
LM: Okay.
PEW: you leave me no other choice
LM: I won’t be home for lunch. I’m going directly to the courthouse. Sorry, you leave me no choice.
PEW: well if you would move out for one month…..
LM: No.
PEW: it would save us both alot of heartache
LM: No it wouldn’t.
PEW: well then i won’t move in with my parents….i’ll take that discover card with the $15000 limit and charge an apartment
LM: If you don’t want to be near me, and your parents is the only place you can go… then you can go there when I get home from work for a month.
PEW: NO. i’m not leaving my kids. no way
LM: Nor am I.
PEW: you can move in with one of your brothers for ONE month
LM: Sorry.
PEW: while we sort this out. you are so mean
—————

There I am again. Mean old me, the big meanie because I won’t do as she commands again. Bastard!

—————
LM: No, I’m not. I only talk to you nicely at home. I’ve told you to do what you feel you need to do. And that is all I have to say on the matter pending a visit to a doctor.
PEW: well i’m not going because after that you’ll just come up with something else. you need the Psychiatrist
LM: Okay… bye-bye.
PEW: if you asked me for a divorce….you’d have it. the discover card it is then
LM: Good luck. It’s in your name. Don’t abuse it.
PEW: so what…i’ll get $30000 when the house sells
LM: You wish. We’ll take a bath on that, too.
PEW: i only need about $2500. no…we won’t. the house is worth about $230000. Plus i’ll get 1/2 of your retirement. both [401K-1] and [401K-2]
LM: lol
PEW: you’re a rotten person
LM: You’ve got it all worked out, don’t you? See ya.
PEW:not really
—————

Isn’t that interesting? Yet another example of how she has all the financials figured out while incessantly accusing me of “only being about the money.” It’s the fallback of many disgruntled ex’s. If you want the children, it must only be because you don’t want to pay child support. It must only be because you want to keep the house “for yourself.” Well, unfortunately, people can’t argue one side of that coin without considering that the other side of that coin has just as much merit. Mothers who want custody of their children must only want them because of the income… the assets… the cars… etc. Classic projection.

I said one sentence at Christmas and I’m the one at odds with her family. I got “thrown-out” of Christmas Holiday, but I’m the one at odds with her family. Half of her family had a meltdown but it’s me. That whole family is a pack of sick people.

Nice pick, eh? Pure genius.

Later in the day after the events of 11/28/2001, I learned that my grandmother (paternal) had passed away after a long stay in hospice. A combination of a stroke and alzheimer’s disease really had wiped out any memories that she had of us, but she hung in there a lot longer than many in her situation would. She was a tough cookie and I have many fond memories at their home. Especially the food!

One might believe that suffering such a substantial loss would give even the coldest of hearts pause, at least long enough to stop the unending harassment and abusiveness. Not the PEW. Nothing could stop her desire to lay down an assault.

I spent a good portion of my day coordinating with family the arrangements that would be forthcoming. I initiate contact here to keep PEW appraised of the expected schedule for services and burial of grandmom.

LM: Hi
PEW: hi
LM: Here’s the lowdown…
PEW: ok
LM: MJM called and told me to be at [The Funeral Home] between 8:30 and 8:45 AM. Viewing from 9AM - 10AM
PEW: ok
LM: Mass at [The Church] (up the street) at 10:30AM. Lunch/Bereavement “Party” at [The Restaurant] right after. Whatever that means.
PEW: ok
LM: He told me flowers were “taken care of” as well as a rosary from the grandchildren which will be placed inside the coffin.
PEW: oh really?
LM: That’s what he said.
PEW: ok. did you change the paypal email address
—————

Huh? Hey, PEW, my grandmother died. Here are the arrangements. All you care about is what email address is tied to PayPal?

She couldn’t care less. Still, I answer.

—————
LM: Yes. To Hotmail.
PEW: ok
LM: Since we ping it there anyway. And I wasn’t getting all of the notifications to hotmail.
PEW: i know. this S2 is soooo cute. PP (psycho SIL) told me she could handle both kids. what do you think? my mom will be home sometime in the morning. but i’m not sure what time. i don’t know what to do
LM: I dunno. I really don’t think so.
—————

I believe I’ve mentioned before that unstable PP watching the children on her own was a constant bone of contention. I hedge here a bit, but only because I’m in no frame of mind to argue about it at the moment.

—————
PEW: is ZM going? oh
LM: But now she’ll think something.
PEW: hmmm. what should i do
LM: Not good. Shouldn’t have mentioned it to her yet. Unless she just offered?
PEW: i just asked her watch S2 because he’s still strange with people. well she called this morning and said she heard. asked me who was going to babysit
LM: Oh. Darn it.
PEW: i said I didn’t know yet. well….we have the cell phone.
—————

Another classic PEW tactic wasn’t just relegated to the children. I’m set up to be the bad guy. My memory is fuzzy, but earlier this particular year (I think) was the year that PP attempted suicide. So now, everyone was walking on eggshells for fear of driving PP into another suicide attempt. In PEW’s mind, it was safer to let a suicidal, diagnosed bipolar sister who didn’t do anything to help herself watch our children than it was to upset her by saying no. Of course, telling her “I don’t know yet” meant - “I’ll ask LM and he’ll say no and then you can rail against him.”

—————
PEW:i’ll call my mom shortly and see what time she’s coming home. i mean if she’s gonna be home at like 9 it’s no big deal
LM: k
PEW: i could call SS and see if she would take S1….. and i’ll just tell PP (psycho SIL) that SS misses him
LM: k
PEW: is that what I should do?
LM: Give it a shot.
PEW: oh man, i gotta change this baby
LM: She’ll prolly be too busy. Okay, talk to you later.
PEW: he stinks soooooo bad. you call her. i barely ever talk to them. wait till i talk to my mom
LM: k
PEW: my mom may decide to come down tomorrow. after work. bye. oh yes….. and one more thing…..
LM: ?
PEW: I am not ungrateful…. i am happy alot of the time…. but if my memory serves me, we’ve fought about this before. about the flowers for the anniversary or birthday or whatever
—————

She’s relentless. I just want to make arrangements regarding my grandmother’s services and burial, she wants to concern herself with PayPal email addresses and argue more about the Anniversary thing. For chrissakes, my grandmother just died! Shut the hell up about your Anniversary expectations!

So, I ask her nicely to stop…

—————
LM: I would really like a moratorium on discussing this. I promise I won’t miss it again in the future. I can’t go back and change the past. And I only pray that that will be enough to move on.
PEW: well….something isn’t sinking in
LM: Okay, I guess you just won’t stop. So, I’d like a moratorium on discussing this until after my Grandmother is buried. Would that be okay with you?
PEW: that’s fine, but please tell me why would your grandmother dying have anything to do with anything. oh….i know….because it’s convenient for you
—————

Good Lord. Most people would probably think that this is a complete work of fiction. I assure you, it is not. It also gets worse.

—————
LM: I just don’t feel like arguing during the course of the next few days. There are more important things to concern ourselves with.
PEW: like what
LM: But now you’re going to bastardize that, too, because you just… can’t… stop.
PEW: BASTARDIZE WHAT?
LM: Telling me that I’m using my grandmom’s death because it is “convenient” for me. What is convenient is I have no desire to argue about this anymore. I am wrong. I will try to do better in the future. And allowing you a forum to continue to needle me accomplishes nothing. But since you won’t stop, I suppose I will have to log off again.
—————

I’m not sure why I thought being patronizing would stop her. I just wanted her to stop. I took a shot that taking full responsibility for the egregious action of buying her a gold watch instead of flowers for our Anniversary would help. It didn’t.

By the way, as was often the case - I got nothing for our Anniversary. PEW is one of “those women” who thinks that gift-giving on such occasions is something only the man has to do.

————–
PEW: no i will….but don’t expect me to act like I believe that you are admitting that you did anything wrong. your grandmother dying doesn’t change the way I feel… sorry
LM: Yes, I understand. Another lose-lose.
PEW: i’ll log off
LM: If I say I’m wrong and apologize… it just isn’t enough.
PEW: yeah….remember i was supposed to buy you flowers. remember. so…
if you thought you were wrong, why not say it back thenb
LM: What I think you should have done has no bearing on my admitting I was wrong. You wanted flowers, I didn’t get them. I just don’t appreciate the “one-way” street where your concerned.
PEW: what one way street?
LM: WE celebrate our anniversary as TWO people.
PEW: that’s such bullshit
—————

Of course it’s BS. It’s always about her. What she wants. What she desires. What she deserves. To hell with everyone else.

—————
LM: So, therefore, when you go spouting off about what you should have gotten, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be entitled to the same thing.
PEW: yeah and I do alot of shit for you that other women don’t do on a daily basis for their husbands
LM: That thought doesn’t change the fact that I should have gotten you flowers. Okay. Now, that is the end of it. I have nothing more to say on the subject.
PEW: well i’ve told you before if that’s how you feel about the situation then i am in the wrong relationship
LM: I was wrong. I apologize. And I won’t fail again.
PEW: FUCK YOU
LM: Grow up, PEW.
PEW: don’t expect me to act like you’re wonderful now because your grandmother died, fuck you
—————

Nice talk. She’s a frigging demon. She is.

—————
LM: You’re unconscionable.
PEW: no you are. i’m sick of you
LM: I just want you to leave me be for a few days. That’s all.
PEW: yes i know because you’re greiving
LM: But you are just SO mean and vindictive, you can’t even respect that.
PEW: give me a fucking break
LM: So, thank you. You can stay the hell home. We don’t need a babysitter. I don’t want you there. Because you can’t stop being mean for two stinking days. And then go back to it afterwards. I didn’t say “treat me nice.” I didn’t say “forgive me.” I didn’t say “I didn’t do nothing wrong” and I didn’t say “forget about what happened.” I asked, nicely, for a simple moratorium, and you couldn’t do that. What a shame.
—————

And stay home she did.

We normally decorate for the Christmas Holiday right after Thanksgiving Day. I’ll go up in the attic and drag down everything for both the interior and the exterior of the house. It is a lot. I used to risk life and limb to climb up onto the roof of the house and lay out all the lights. I won’t say it was as aggressive as Clark Griswold’s efforts in the Vacation movies, but it would prompt a good-natured ribbing from friends and family.

Today’s episode lays out the effort of PEW who predictably begins laying the groundwork for another miserable Christmas season. What starts off as a question about a doctor’s appointment quickly descends into an unholy hellraising over holiday decorating. It was 11/28/2001.

PEW: do you have vacation days left?
LM: I wish, but no.
PEW: great
LM: What’s up?
PEW: well i have to make an appt for the epidural and someone will need to watch the kids
LM: When?
PEW: i don’t know yet, i have to call
LM: Hey, if I need to take a day off for that, I’ll take it. Only caveat is that you should make it for after next week. I have the audit next week.
PEW: whatever
LM: I’ll probably be working some amount of “late” between now and then to prepare.
PEW: also, what are your plans for Saturday. between 11-3 i’ll need you to occupy the kids
LM: Nothing at this point… I know you have the thingy. Yeah. Okay.
PEW: great……i can already tell this is going to be another happy holiday season
—————

Did you catch that? Were you paying attention? Right there out of the air the shift occurs. Of course, I’ll jump right in as I always have and allow the madness to escalate.

—————
LM: ??? It’s as happy as you decide to make it.
PEW: just the usual bullshit…..fantasy football, ebay, your cheapness. i fucking love it
LM: You’re back into making every move I make into some sort of effort to make you miserable, and I’m not doing any such thing.
PEW: no i’m not…..i don’t think you do it on purpose
LM: Fantasy football? When the heck have I done anything ff related that has interfered with anything?
PEW: yeah you do it all at work
—————

So, do I do it all at work or does it interfere with everything on the home front? Which is it?

—————
LM: I send an email on Tuesday. I do moves on Thursday or Friday night. And I get automatic emails sent to me from the website for information.
PEW: yeah well, i noticed you got that movie and we never watched it
—————

I know it’s tough, but stick with the chain of tangents. So far… doctor appointment - miserable holiday - fantasy football - eBay… and we’re only seconds into the IM assault.

—————
LM: Stop looking for more stuff to argue about.
PEW: i’m sick of being shit on all the time
LM: Stop it, PEW.
PEW: when was the last time you gave S2 a bath. or S1 for that matter
LM: It’s been a while.
PEW: all I asked last night was that I could do “a little” more decorating. and you couldn’t even give me that
LM: Yes, I could. Was there something that was preventing you from doing it?
PEW: no …you had ebay to do
—————

PEW was still at stay-at-home mom at that point. It was possible, but things were tight. I supplemented the household income by successfully selling on eBay. It was like having a part-time job without ever having to leave the house. 95% of my home efforts with eBay were done after the children were in bed, when I would stay up until midnight or 1AM several nights per week to ensure I had a steady stream of stuff going out the door. It was an absolute necessity. That would account for the lull in bath-giving. Sometimes I would get started with the work as she prepared the children for bed.

—————
PEW: yeah…the kids needed tending to
LM: Or did you, as usual, just not do it so that you could have something else to be miserable about?
PEW: you can’t pack stuff
LM: Yes, I can.
PEW: and take care of them
LM: Yes, I have in the past.
PEW: no you can’t
LM: I most certainly can, and have. You just want to be miserable again, as usual. I can’t help that.
PEW: yeah…….
LM: S1 has helped me pack and had fun doing it.
PEW: meanwhile…..S1 doesn’t even know how to kick a ball. or catch a ball
—————

S1 is 3-years old at this point. Not only could he catch a ball, at least as well as any 3-year old, he could kick and kick well. Not just balls.

However, this was a common belief for her. When she wasn’t around, I simply stashed the children in a corner somewhere and did nothing with them. When she had a part-time evening job, she knew what I was doing and not doing telepathically, apparently. She was very creepy and her unfounded accusations knew no bounds.

PEW is one of those mothers who apparently can do NOTHING else in tandem with having children awake and around. I could. In this specific instance, I explain what the children do with me when I would have to pack items for shipment. As if she cared one way or the other.

—————
LM: S2 has sat there and scrunched papers when I’ve packed. Yes, he does.
PEW: well S1 was following me all around the house
LM: S1 was not. He was sitting there watching a movie.
PEW: he was too. i’m talking about before that. lord knows he needs to watch more TV
LM: Before that - I wasn’t doing Ebay stuff, and you weren’t decorating.
PEW: yeah OK
LM: Ok.
PEW: i’m so sick of you
LM: Just sticking to the facts, PEW.
PEW: i’m sick of the whole ebay thing too……
LM: I know you are.
PEW: i don’t know why I don’t just get a fucking job
LM: But you’d have nothing to bitch about, because if we didn’t have it - we wouldn’t pay bills.
PEW: i know why….because you still won’t help me out
LM: And you simply choose not to get a job. AND… on top of that, you wouldn’t find a job where you would bring home as much as the eBay money.
—————

This is a critical point. I was effectively working two jobs to make sure we could make ends meet and it meant absolutely nothing to her. My working two jobs to maintain her lifestyle and her ability to stay at home (her choosing) merited nothing but grief because I wasn’t doing (in her eyes) enough other stuff, too. I guess she didn’t anticipate that parenting a real child was a little more difficult than playing with a frigging doll. You can’t put real children away because it’s too much trouble.

—————
PEW: yeah because then both of our kids would be sitting in front of the TV every night of the week while you continue to do your own thing
LM: You conveniently forget that there were simply no problems last time you were working evenings. You just imagine that there would
be, and use me as an excuse. That’s all. And you’re wrong about that, too. I read S1 several books almost every night. And I roll around on the floor with S2. So stop inventing stuff again, PEW. Try to stick to reality.
PEW: reality is….i wake up in the morning, diaper both kids, feed both kids, dress both kids……while you take a 1/2 hr shit… sip coffee… read the paper, take a 20 minute shower… i should say, slurp coffee
LM: Reality is… I get up at 7 (or later) - the kids are typically sleeping when I am starting to get ready… and then I leave for work.
PEW: S1 is always up
LM: However, if you would like me to get up at 6, wake the kids up, feed them and dress them, by golly - I will surely do that. No, he isn’t. He wasn’t up this morning. He wasn’t up yesterday.
—————

Not only are the kids generally asleep, she was still asleep. As usual, PEW never let reality get in the way of a good fictional account that was in keeping with her delusions.

Everytime the children were awake when I was up and about and getting ready for work, I changed them, fixed their beds, fed S2 and got S1’s breakfast ready - all while she was still in bed. She would typically get out of bed when I announced that I was leaving for work.

—————
PEW: i was up 4x with S2. last night
LM: And the last two days, I didn’t even get out of bed until almost 7:30. Reality PEW - stick to reality.
PEW: well change him then
LM: He was ASLEEP WHEN I GOT UP… both days, PEW. Reality. Stick to reality.
PEW: well change him when he gets up
LM: I was in the shower both days when he got up.
PEW: and how the hell do you sleep thru S2 4x last night
LM: Could be because I was doing listing until 12AM.
PEW: tough shit
LM: I can’t help that I didn’t hear him.
PEW: well you’ll be hearing him from now on
LM: How the hell do you get cranky about it, when all you have EVER needed to do is nudge me and tell me it is my turn? No problem, PEW. Never has been. Next fictional issue?
PEW: well since last night S1 was in our bed….i couldn’t nudge you
LM: Yes, you could have. Try again.
PEW: and i tried to wake you when S1 came in because i have excrutiating pain in my back and his bed makes it worse…. but you didn’t wake up then either
LM: Then don’t go in his bed. Bullshit. You can wake me up. Stop inventing stuff, PEW. If you have to bang a pot with a metal spoon - you can wake me up.
—————

An uncanny ability to lay the blame at my feet for the oddest stuff. It’s my fault she couldn’t wake me up. It’s the baby’s fault she couldn’t wake me up. She has no ability to wake me up. She just can’t. I’m not kidding. From her description, I would have to have been dead.

—————
PEW: i don’t need to invent stuff
LM: You’ve invented a lot of stuff in this very conversation.
PEW: bullshit
LM: Like “I” was the reason you didn’t decorate last night.
PEW: like what
LM: Like “all our kids do is watch TV at night.”
PEW: it’s true
LM: No it isn’t.
PEW: well if it was up to you. this is just more AMMO for me
LM: Wrong.
PEW: no flowers at the anniversary…..
LM: Poor, poor PEW.
PEW: barely any help with the kids. that’s right
LM: Isn’t happy unless she is miserable.
PEW: tight wad
LM: So she invents her own misery. Yep - look at our checkbook, genius. That is why I’m a “tightwad.” You see, unlike you - I care about being able to pay the bills. You don’t.
PEW: you could afford flowers. cheapo
LM: Well, I afforded a watch for you instead. Sorry, you ungrateful snit. But that is your usual MO.
—————

Yes, the graciousness of a loving spouse. I buy her a watch that probably cost 10-times that of flowers (not that price should matter, right?) - and I’m in trouble on our Anniversary because I didn’t get her flowers. Entitlement issues?

—————
PEW: well…sell the fucking watch. you’re the ungreatful one
LM: It is too much money… it isn’t enough money… it wasn’t on your “list”… the timing wasn’t right for you…
PEW: it doesn’t even fit me. i can’t wear it
LM: Any excuse to make a problem out of something.
PEW: it doesn’t fucking fit
LM: Any excuse. Any. Any excuse.
PEW: yeah
LM: Keep on whining.
PEW: fucking jew
LM: Grow up, PEW. You’re 33 years old, not 6. Try to discuss things like an adult and not like your 3-year old son.
PEW: don’t tell me to grow up….. why don’t you grow up
LM: Awwww… that is such a shame.
PEW: gay rod. gay boy
—————

There she is again in all her glory. This is a grown, adult woman. She has two young children. She acts like a grade-schooler, consistently and without fail.

—————
LM: lol I can’t believe what a child you are when you don’t get your way. Unbelievable.
PEW: what way? what is my way that I didn’t get??
LM: Go back and re-read your own whining. I’m moving on to more grown up things… like work. Go whine to S1. He could probably relate to it more than I can.
PEW: I can’t believe my husband is such a selfish jerk that when he stopped at 7-11….he couldn’t even pick up a bunch of flowers
LM: Get over it, whiner.
PEW: cheap cheap, selfish pig
LM: Gimme the watch back and I’ll go get you flowers, whiner.
PEW: take it back….i can’t wear it because it doesn’t fit
LM: Okay.
PEW: but I know you’ll never have it sized
LM: You’re right, I’ll get you flowers instead. So sorry I disappointed you.
PEW: I had to have W. size the last one you gave me. you always dissappoint me
LM: I know… that’s the funny thing… it matters not the cost, not the “thought” as you so grossly lie about, not about when, not about how, not about the loving thoughts that pop up when I think of something or come across something. You’re just miserable.
PEW: the only thing NOT dissappointing about you is our kids
LM: No thanks to me, of course, because “you’re with them 24-7,” right? It’s a treasure watching you go out of your way to make the holidays miserable every year. I look forward to it every year, and you don’t fail to disappoint. Thanks again.
—————

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

This Christmas would be a doozy. Also, I would find out that my grandmother had died shortly after this exchange. Click here to see how that wouldn’t stop her from being abusive.

Over the years, as my own siblings’ families have grown, juggling in-laws, children, holidays, birthdays becomes a management nightmare. You try to fit everyone in as best you can. You try to attend everything you can. With holidays, some people will not be satisfied with where you go, for how long, in whichever year - no matter how hard you try. Many of us deal with it. Ultimately, you just make a decision and roll with it.

My decision has always been that every other year, every other family will be visited as primary (if not sole) host of whatever holiday is happening. That would go for the “majors” - Christmas, Thankgiving, and Easter. Christmas wasn’t so bad because you can always do something at the other’s family on Christmas Eve or the day after. Still, especially in my family which had been spreading out and weren’t always as local as PEW’s, someone was going to be mad. This IMversation was a smaller part of the discussion.

The main reason for this fight was that S2, my little peanut, was 6-months old and doing my favorite thing - sleeping on my chest while I laid on the sofa. I was watching a hockey game. PEW came downstairs and commanded that I take the baby to bed and freaked out when I ignored her and didn’t take him upstairs. She started raging worse. I think I told her to “shut the hell up - I’ll take the baby upstairs when I’m good and ready.” That’s all I said during what was at least a 15-minute freak-out. As she continued to rage and the baby continued to sleep, I laid there, focused on the game, as if she wasn’t even in the room. Soon, she retreated.

The next day, with her IM muscles on, the assault continued… when she called and started ranting, I hung up on her.

PEW: don’t hang up on ME!
LM:: I don’t have time for your rants which go off on tangents. If you want to stick to the subject at hand, I’ll be too glad to talk to you…
PEW: Ok…well you fucking remember this in March asshole. March is 3 months away….and I’m keeping fucking notes
—————

PEW had come up with this bizarre edict that essentially was - in order for our marriage to survive, she needed 6-months of argument-free, wedded-bliss, or it was over. As you can see, we’re off to a great start.

—————
LM:: …but starting in on me, my family, and whatever else you want to go off on, I have no time for it.
PEW: yeah well…you better hope I don’t see [your brother] on line or something
LM:: And I will now put you in my block list, because I’ve also grown tired of your “March” threats any time we have a disagreement.
PEW: like I need him trying to start shit between us. Well you seem to forget about it. but I don’t
LM:: And I will tell you something else - you’re forbidden to address anything with my brother, otherwise, it will be open season on your family every time they do something which I don’t agree with.
PEW: everytime something like this happens…i remember why. i don’t care if it’s open season on my family. go to town. i don’t care
—————

Oh yes she did care. It was a bone of contention for years since S1 was born. I despised the way her family treated the children. From her father tickling them until they were sick or crying… teaching them inappropriate songs… teaching the children to choke each other… the list is long. She feared my addressing these things with her family, always professing to take care of it herself. If she did, it was ineffective because no one in her family has any respect for her. The other option was that she wouldn’t address it and I would be left twisting in the wind again. Never, ever did she “allow” me to address these issues when they arose with her family.

When we get to Christmas this year (2001) - you’ll see why. Hang in there, it’s only a month away!

This would set the tone for Thanksgiving. PEW had a knack for having a nuclear explosion just before most major holidays in time to ruin them and blame me. Usually, it was followed up by a meltdown on the day in question.

—————
LM:: Remember it is because you get a weed up your ass over things that don’t need to have a weed up your ass about.
PEW: what worse can happen besides my sister trying to kill herself
LM:: Know this - I DON’T spend “24/7″ with the kids, so when I want to hold one of them while they sleep and not take them upstairs on your command - I don’t expect you to get pissed off at me for it.
PEW: Well then you should sit in the rocker in his room when he’s asleep not watch a hockey game
LM:: I’ll sit wherever I want when he is sleeping, and I will expect that you’re not entitled to get pissed off at me about it.
—————

THAT’S RIGHT! Does anyone else find this completely insane? The baby is comfortable and sleeping. I’m enjoying having him on me asleep. She is demanding, literally ordering me to take the sleeping child to bed. This is the real issue, but watch as she shifts gears and brings up another issue…

—————
PEW: your brother was trying to start shit between us……
LM:: No he wasn’t.
PEW: like you don’t already start enough shit
LM:: Stop making every disagreement something about you.
PEW: and you let him believe that you spend so much time with my family
LM:: My brother is jealous that I’m going elsewhere for Thanksgiving, that is the long and short of it.
PEW: it was
LM:: It was not.
—————

Mentioned in the opening of this post, one of my brothers was particularly vocal about how infrequently our entire family had the ability to get-together and he felt I should be at Thanksgiving with our family every year. I sympathized but didn’t agree and I alternated most major holidays between the families. His main point was that we get to spend a great deal of time with her family and did regularly. However, it wasn’t often that all of our family could get together and that should take priority given how infrequently it occurs. I appreciated his point but was sticking with my decision.

Of course, PEW made the discussion about her and her family when it had nothing to do with her or her family at all. Unfortunately, she overheard my discussion with my brother and knew that he was doing his best to try to change my mind. I wouldn’t.

—————
PEW: well just so there’s no mistake in the future….i’m going to make sure he knows not to fuck with an already fragile relationship. if he gives a shit about his nephews. as far as what happened last night…… just do it again see what happens i fucking dare you
LM:: Why is it every time we disagree, we’re suddenly “fragile” again? You better get a grip on yourself, PEW.
PEW: suddenly. July was only 2 months ago
LM:: Yeah, suddenly. Things are going just fine, and we have a disagreement, and you start tossing out your “March” threats again.
PEW: i need about six months of solid relationship. it’s not sudden
LM:: Well, solid relationships have disagreements in them. So if you are expecting no disagreements in the “6 month grace period” - you might as well start getting your paperwork ready. It’s how you handle those situations that determine whether or not things remain “solid.”
PEW: well i’m not going to wait the rest of my life for you to STOP being an asshole….. you can stop by March…..or find a new wife
. i don’t give a shit
LM:: And right now, you’re the one not handling things very well.
PEW: neither are you
LM:: Well, disagreeing with your handling of the situation isn’t being an “asshole” except because you disagree with my point of view. I can accept that. You disagree.
PEW: I was doing great until your ASSHOLE fucking brother started his fucking shit again every fucking year. did you miss the part where I was crying yesterday
LM:: No, you, as usual, made it somehow personal against you, and it simply is not. No, I didn’t forget.
PEW: the shit i’ve put up with with you and YOUR family
LM:: And I can understand why.
PEW: so far……
LM:: He simply doesn’t realize the importance of the day for you and your family, and I set him straight, whether he agrees or not.
—————

I believe I’ve given a very reasonable explanation of the situation and the matter between my brother and I was settled, even if there was no agreement. I stood my ground, gave my reasons why, and moved on. Yet, PEW still rails in all of her glory about it. Oh, but wait - she shifts again!

—————
PEW: i’ve had your best friend tell me that he is in love with you and he thinks you are gay…..
LM:: You’re going in my block list if you don’t stop it. Stop it right now.
—————

Ummm… to the best of my knowledge, this is a complete fabrication.

—————
PEW: i’ve had your brother MJM tell me that he should take my dogs to the pound because the dog’s bed was dirty…..
LM:: None of that has anything to do with last night’s disagreement. One last time. Knock it off. Please. Get over it already. Grow the hell up.
PEW: then…..I put up with your Father’s shit continuiously…..
LM:: You haven’t put up with anything from my father. Get over it.
PEW: then there’s the shit I tolerate from VM&DR
LM:: I put up with your racist family.
PEW: racist??
LM:: I put up with your father teaching shit to my kids that is inappropriate
PEW: explain that? I put up with your violent temper
LM:: You want to go family member for family member, PEW, or do you want to stop badgering me?
PEW: and your asshole personality. sure we could
LM:: It’s wrong. So, if you want to lower yourself to these repeated childish antics, knock yourself out. Otherwise, stick to the topic at hand, which is, you don’t agree with how I handled last night.
PEW: that’s just one more thing to add to the pile of shit. don’t fuck with me
LM:: Stop threatening me.
PEW: you heard me
LM:: Get a grip on yourself and try acting like a reasonable adult.
PEW: you
LM:: Stop with the insults, stop with the insulting my family, and discuss something that bothers you like a reasonable human being.
PEW: I didn’t insult your family….I was merely stating factual information. they treat me like a peice of shit and always have
LM:: You’re insulting my family and grossly overstate reality. They do not.
PEW: and my family treats you nice despite the fact that you’ve man handled me on occasion. they do
LM:: Dear God in Heaven. Get over this.
PEW: not in this lifetime
LM:: I’ve made mistakes in my life and I regret them.
PEW: yeah so have I. mostly having to do with Men
LM:: But stop pontificating as if you haven’t “man-handled” me on occasion, like your shoving me into the wall last week when I was holding S2. Or did you forget doing that?
PEW: you shoved me asshole
LM:: Oh yeah, selective memory at it again.
PEW: no you shoved me….i said excuse me and tried to walk by you. yeah this is the part where you act like….i’m the one with the problem
LM:: Go find reality and then come back and try to talk to me like a normal human being. I’ve had enough of your mindless rants.
—————

Aside from the “dog bed” story, which one of my brothers said to be funny, not malicious - the rest is either grossly embellished or complete fabrication. Especially the one about walking down the hallway with S2. It’s a complete reversal of what happened. She “checked” me, like a hockey player into the wall as I was heading towards the bedrooms with S2 in my arms. Hard enough for me to fall into the wall because, obviously, I wasn’t expecting it. Yet, here she is and her recollection is that, while holding the baby in my hands, I somehow managed to shove her into the wall. She did this often when it came to domestic violence in our home, as rare as it was.

This is why I’m so very serious when I say that the longer you stay in a relationship with a BPD or an NPD, you will question your own sanity. You will start to be trained into believing that these incidents are entirely your fault. You’ll believe that something is wrong with you.

When you get yourself so deep that this is what is happening - getting out of it is so much more difficult.