The Case of the Vanishing Clothing
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One of the great many issues that would develop in January of 2005 would be a clothing issue. It is another in a long list of “common themes” I’ve seen among the stories about high-conflict ex-spouses. It is another control issue for them.
In response to a notification about a dentist appointment for the children, I had sent an email asking her to send back some clothes for the kids. Those I had sent them over in were repeatedly failing to be returned and I was relegated to a mish-mash of sweatpants.
PEW,
Thanks for letting me know. Let me know how they make out, though… if how they brush their teeth is any indication… they’ll be perfect.
If you could, next weekend, if you could hook me up with a pair of pants or two for S1… I’m down to sweats only and even though I had some dockers and other pairs of pants… I no longer have any pants for him. Shirts I should be okay with, but I’m hoping once in a while he can come back with a pair of jeans, dockers or something on so I can send him to school on those next days instead of sweatpants all the time. If that’s a problem, let me know.
~LM
Non-accusatory. Respectful request. I really just wanted her to return them in the clothes I sent them over to her with. It wasn’t too much to ask. Or was it?
LM,
buy some pants then
~PEW
*Sigh* It was. So, I take a shot at explaining reality to her.
PEW,
Thank you for your reply. I would buy some pants, but like the pants I’ve mentioned as well as jackets… things don’t come back when I send them your way. Right now, I’m not in a position to keep replacing the pants and shirts that they don’t come back with when I dress them for school. When you left, I had at least a half-dozen pants for S1… now I have none.
I’m still waiting for the missing jackets to come back.
But that’s okay… I’ll just keep sending them to school in sweats until after I move and get the finances in order.
Have a great day.
Sincerely,
LM
Now I figured that wouldn’t be a big hit with her, but I wasn’t going to let it go without filling her in on the “State of Reality.”
LM,
Well children grow and I left in May, so I’m pretty sure any pants that you had in May wouldn’t fit anymore. When you send the kids over here in stuff that is too small, I get rid of it and send them back to you in stuff that actually fits. I have bought ALL of the clothes, coats, hats, shoes, so if you want extra stuff for your house you are going to have to buy it. When the kids are with me they are properly clothed. When they are with you it is your responsibility to clothe them, not mine. I already pay for WAY more than what is covered by your meager child support.
If you had a half dozen pairs of pants, you should still have a half dozen pairs of pants. I’ve never sent him back naked that I know of. Don’t be so cheap
Thank you~PEW
This is good. My “meager” child support and spousal support at the time totaled nearly $1,000/month. That’s tax-free income for her. Even today, I think she still believes that they don’t have clothes at our place, that they’re naked, or some other bizarre circumstance that she so often creates in her twisted head. He lack of logic is evident. If, as she’s stated, she has gotten rid of the clothing that they wear back to her and I (am now) sending them back in the clothes they wear over to me, then I wouldn’t “still have a half-dozen pair of pants” now, would I?
PEW,
You send them back in sweats and some crapass shirt. No, you don’t send them back naked, but the pants that I had, I no longer have and it’s not because I trashed them. Same thing with the jackets.
But that’s fine… I understand your desire to argue didn’t end with our marriage and I won’t engage you any further on this matter. I would still like to get the blue jacket back for S1 and the green jacket back for S2 in the event that they are needed. Hopefully, you didn’t “throw those away, too” and I would ask that you not dispose of ANY clothing I send them over in. Just put them in a bag and send the back, thanks.
~LM
That’s the truth. They always came back to me in sweatpants and a t-shirt. They still do, even today, but she does occasionally mix-it-up by something them back in those ridiculous looking camouflaged pants. All the better when the camos are combined with a WWE t-shirt. At this point, she had been gone 9-months. Who does she think bought clothes for the kids during that time?
LM,
I have no desire to argue, I just hate you. I can’t believe you have the audacity to ask for the things you ask for. You killed our dog, filed a PFA against me, took me to court for S1’s school and made it so that I have to drive him to school everyday, you refuse to share the cost of S2’s preschool, refused to sell the house until just last month making it so that I have had to live in an apartment for a year with two little boys, refused to sign the divorce consent so that we could go to ED so that I could get what is FAIR, made me take this shitass peice of shit car while you drive around in the newer van with your girlfriend and her kids. Refused to pay child support. And the list goes on and on. Now, you want me to give you back the clothes that I bought with MY money. Please leave me the hell alone. If you want you can sign over your parental rights and then you never have to pay another dime towards anything and move to [DW's State], that would work for me. The only thing keeping me from taking you to court to have a Psyche eval is the fact that I’m trying to get a house right now…..for my kids, who throw up and get sick everytime they have to spend time with you.
~PEW
KA-BOOM!!! Quite the usual laundry list of fabrications. I didn’t want her to give back the clothes she bought with “her money.” I wanted her to give back the clothes that I purchased and she trashed. Knucklehead. Still, I persist in the pre low-contact days…
PEW,
I asked for a set of clothes that would be returned to you the following Monday. Unfortunately, your pathological desire for conflict disables your ability to think rationally and clearly. I asked for this set of clothes in the face of your admission that you have previously thrown out clothes I’ve dressed them in alleging that they “didn’t fit.” I wouldn’t dream of trashing anything you dressed them in, I would have the courtesy to simply send them back to you.
As for the rest of your lies… what’s truly sad is that it DOESN’T surprise me that you believe your own stories. And I have no problem with going to court to discuss who needs a psychiatric evaluation. You’ve left me with a PILE of stuff that would be very interesting to an evaluator. Very interesting indeed.
Have a great day!
~LM
The delusions continue…
LM,
We’ll see who has a pile of stuff for the evaluator. What kind of psychopath kills a perfectly healthy dog? Among all the other stuff you’ve done. There are no lies, the facts speak for themselves. Stop emailing me.
~PEW
Hindsight being what it is - it’s not all that unbelievable that her alleged piles of stuff never materialized. Not one shred of evidence to support a single negative contention ever made. Not one. That’s not an overstatement of fact. No child abuse claims… spousal abuse claims… drug abuse claims… sexual orientation claims… you know the list (if you’ve read here with any regularity).
February 4th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
LM, are you sure you were not married to my DH’s ex-wife? My lord, this is so similar to the email I am reading from our very own psycho today. I wonder if they go for training?
February 4th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Good lord! I stubled on your blog and am horrified for you. I have a step-daughter and I am glad we work out the “clothes” issue pretty smoothly. So sorry for you.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
@bea: Heh… They all pull from the same playbook because the illness makes them do it that way. I think each and every person that comes looking up BPD or Psycho Ex (Girlfriend/Wife) sees at least strong resemblances of this crap the hosts of this website were made to endure.
I know I do every time they put a new post in. Thankfully for me, the Psycho Ex Stepdaughter (PESD…) left the house BEFORE the implosion of my PEW (and did she ever flame-out…) and the resultant divorce. I didn’t HAVE this crap happen, but I can solidly envision it having happened if I had younger kids by her.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
We wound up requesting that the kids come home wearing the clothes we sent them in. Same issues. They’re wearing clothes that are “too small” because the child is 8 and he’s wearing a size 7 shirt. Doesn’t matter that the shirt runs large and fits him perfectly well. The size on the tag says it’s too small, so out it goes.
PEH also argues about where we buy clothes from. “I don’t send you money so my children can go to school dressed like orphans. Buy them something from Children’s Place or somewhere like that. I’m sure they’re embarrassed and their friends make fun of them because they’re not wearing the right brands of clothes.” Not that he would project or anything.
February 5th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Hi again ill try and keep to the point this time (she does my head in to the point i cant think straight which i think is wat she is trying to do) I have a PEW with personality disorder also, Last winter it was pretty cold here YES it does snow in Australia not too far from here so our mornings can be pretty cool. At this time i own a surf shop funny i no but we also sell skate and ski gear so last winter my S1 was cold and he didnt really have a decent jacket so i took him to work and he got himself a really nice quicksilver lined winter jacket Very warm and very stylish and approz $200.00 worth prob too good for a 10 year old but i dont think like that. Foolishly i let him wear it to school and consequently back to PEWS, next thing i no im getting text messages that it was too big for him and she went out and brought him a ripcurl jacket that he likes much better and ive never seen either jacket again!!!
Pete
February 5th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Oh lord, the clothes. We went through this for months! What is it with the clothes?
Our solution is to keep clothes at our house for the kids. Everything - underwear, socks, coats, hats, shoes - everything. When they come to visit I wash what they were wearing when they got here, and that’s what they wear home.
It’s not the best situation - clothes aren’t cheap, and they don’t wear them that often. They outgrow them by the next season, so the salvation army gets lots of nearly new clothes - but it is so worth the sanity.
February 5th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
So, my question is… What happened to the Dog? ROFLMAO
February 5th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
They KILLED it! Can’t you read… you must be a PEW/H!!!!!!
February 5th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Combatzone, The story about the dog is under “dog” and I believe “death” in the archives!
February 5th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Yup - the clothes are a constant scratch of the nails on the chalkboard of sharing an existence with BPD. My DH’s PEW insists that all clothes stay with her - okay but when she arrived every weekend to drop off underwear, socks, shoes etc. the SD forgot to pack, I said stop. We started buying things to stay at our house and boy didn’t the GAL get pissed. I see how it puts SD in an awkward place but we’re the ones taking her out for hikes (mom’s idea of exercise is walking around the mall) so the rubber boots and raincoat that mom won’t share the expense of- they stay here. waaaaa says the evil SM. I regularly buy underwear and socks for SD, sweatpants, pajamas for her to have at our house. The underwear and socks all migrate to PEW - who then criticizes my selection. After 3 years of this non-ending crap.. the words F..U.. come quickly to mind. I will continue to buy underwear and socks for my house - its a small insurance policy against PEW darkening my doorstep.
February 5th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Why would the GAL get pissed that you wanted to have supplies that stayed at your home? That seems rather odd.
February 5th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
This may not just be a BPD thing. My sister and her second husband have gone through this for YEARS. They receive his twin girls in rags you wouldn’t dress your dog in, purchase new clothes as cheaply as possible, send them back with the new stuff and receive them back the next week in rags again.
Now, mind you, “Daddy” pays Thirty Fucking Thousand Dollars a year in child support for them and never blinks an eye, though:
1) he has to pick them up and drop them off every week (to/from an hour away) because his PEW WON’T do it — besides, his PEW knows my sister would gouge her friggin’ eyes out if ever they met;
2) his PEW continually complains that $30K isn’t enough…not only to my brother-in-law, but to the girls, themselves;
3) his PEW dates, gets engaged to, and sometimes even marries one Army/Navy/Marine con artist after another every six months or so….hell, she even bought her own $5,000 engagement ring for one of these dead beats (the marriage lasted 3 months);
4) his PEW buys the girls a meager three or four Christmas gifts because she “just doesn’t have any money for more” while she Karaokes almost every night of the week with her girlfriends (paying a sitter every night that she’s out);
5) his PEW gets the girls a new puppy every year, then turns it over to the Humane Society because she cannot handle raising a puppy (let alone her own children);
6) his PEW buys a brand new car every two years (Lexuses, Infinities, Acuras, etc.) while he and my sister drive their Nissans and Toyotas into the ground.
Are these kids benefitting from all the “child support” windfall he turns over to his PEW? Doesn’t look like it.
Sickness exists on so many levels. Is this bitch BPD? Who knows or cares? But, the sooner she’s gone from our lives the better. I feel bad saying so, but these girls are on the fast-track to Bimbohood, just like their Mother. My sister’s mothering of these girls is the best thing that could ever (will ever?) happen to them.
Greed is greed…plain and simple. Greed is NOT a good trait in a mother.
February 6th, 2009 at 7:37 am
We had a similar problem and decided to take control. We send SD back in whatever BM sends her in. That way she is getting her clothes back and we don’t lose any of ours. What she buys for SD, SD wears on her time, what we buy, she wears on our time. IF BM were to ask for money or clothing, we buy a few items and send them to her (we don’t give her money), not expecting them back. It made things alot easier once we started this. We don’t pay child support, so I’m sure the situation might be a little different if that were to come into play. But overall simply sending her back in whatever she came in made things so much easier. Good luck!!
February 6th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Ooooh, the clothes issue. You are right, it’s a favorite control issue for psycho exes. Clothing has been used as a threat, as in, “I won’t send clothes with the kids if you don’t x, y, or z.” Pathetic. We buy the kids’ clothes, shoes, underwear, and everything else, because the concept of sharing for some adults is even less developed than the average pre-schooler’s.
February 10th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Mister-M…to answer your question re: the GAL. She was concerned that SD would not be able to fully feel like her clothes were her own to take with her as she pleases. I think the repeated forgetfulness on packing essentials to come to our house was SD’s attempt to have Psycho BM and new SM forge a peaceful existence in her life. Unfortunate for SD that a course of strict boundaries, low-contact and parallel parenting was the only one to take and keep us sane. If SD knew the assault of crazy communications, legal battery and borderline stalking that her mother was raining down on our heads at the time, she would probably marvel at how calm we kept things.
February 12th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I think your GAL is off his/her rocker. What a completely ludicrous explanation.
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:17 am
[...] situation was previously detailed in the post The Case of the Vanishing Clothing. Ultimately, it led to me always returning the boys in the clothes in which they came to me. I [...]
March 10th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
SSs stopped bringing a suitcase from mom’s house when she started packing her underwear in with their clothes. Here’s how crazy we are - I even washed, dried, folded and sent them back to her, twice! When they returned the 3rd time, I just threw them in the trash. Wonder if they were supposed to be a gift??