Randi Kreger Guest Column: It’s Not That They Won’t. They Can’t.
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In late May, Mr. M. announced that I would begin submitting articles to help you understand and cope with your ex-partner who may have borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). (One in four individuals with BPD also has NPD.) I meant to make my first post before now, but better late than never.
I thought I would begin by disclosing that I’ve been in the role as the supporter of a man who sought visitation of an 11-year-old child, which was opposed by her mildly borderline mother. Like many supporters, I got very triggered and emotionally involved. It was the worse year of my life (not counting four years of high school, but that’s another story.)
Luckily, the dispute was resolved in my friend’s favor. I thought the rest of the years until she turned 18 would be a nightmare. But luckily, the mother realized that the oceans would not swallow up the earth should my friend be awarded visitation. In fact, she learned she got some time off. Today, the daughter is thirty-something and has a healthy marriage with a toddler and stepchild. She is happy and healthy, but has never disclosed her own perceptions of that year (I would have killed to know at the time) but I know much better than to ask.
I have many ideas about future postings, starting with the basics of BPD and NPD (because the two are so closely aligned). Today, I thought I would start briefly with a mantra you can all tell yourselves: It’s not that your own BPD PEW person WON”T act reasonably. It’s that he or she CAN’T. There is an enormous difference between WON’T and CAN’T. We will talk more about that later.
I am interested in knowing what you would like to hear about. Please drop me an email. I can’t address your specific problem (sorry) but I can talk about general issues.
Warmly,
Randi Kreger
Randi @BPDCentral.com
June 24th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Randi,
This basic fact is important to know, but will you expand on why they can’t? What is stopping them?
Looking forward to your contributions on the PEW Blog!
MR
June 24th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I too would like additional insight into this mystery: if they “can’t”… then why on earth do they seem to be able to pull it together whenever they want to, if it will gain them something? That sure makes it appear as if they can control when they are “acting out”, and when they are not. How can they be in a position to “choose”, and yet also be in a position to “not choose”?
June 24th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Email her! This are all great questions!
Follow-ups to this topic will be posted as we can coordinate them!
June 25th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I’ll talk about that subject–why they can pull themselves together sometmes and then sometimes not. I will post it next Tuesday. Good questions!
June 25th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Oh I so look forward to your post on Tuesday. This should be very interesting!!!
June 30th, 2009 at 6:34 am
Dear Randi,
I have read a fair amount about BPD and about how to interact with someone who has it. Several of the resources suggest that because someone with BPD fears abandonment more than anything else, one should begin each interaction with a reassuring comment such as “I know this makes you anxious, but I want you to know that I love and support you.”
I suppose if I were in an intimate relationship with someone who has BPD, I wouldn’t mind being that reassuring. My question is: why should my partner and I make constant reassuring comments to his former wife? Our experience (the times we have done it) demonstrates that it doesn’t make her any less angry, nasty, distorted in her thinking, demanding or irrational. To the contrary, it seems to make her more of all of these things. Could you address this in one of your posts?
It also would be terrific if you could address how to give her children (teenagers) the tools to learn to interact with her (so that they recognize the chaos is not their own fault, so that they learn to reduce the effect of the chaos on their own lives, and so that they learn not to create chaos themselves). We would like to teach them these things without criticizing their mother. I have read Lawson’s, “Understanding the Borderline Mother,” and while it helped me undertand my partner’s former wife, it is not really appropriate for a 13 year old.
Many thanks in advance.
June 30th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Hey Anonymous 6:34 am — Excellent questions for Randi that I also had. My daughter is also 13, and while reading Lawson I repeatedly thought to myself “I wish I could give her this book!” But you are right — they’re not ready at 13. But how will we know when they are ready and able to understand it?
July 9th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I know there is scientific research behind Randi’s work, but I do not believe that these people “can’t help it”.
If lightning struck them and rendered them 2 years old or 6 years old for the rest of their lives, that I could accept.
However, the selfishness; harmful havoc wreaked on innocents, and incessant raging and ignorance of any kind of boundary, is a POOR CHOICE made by a self-labeled “VICTIM” over and over and over and WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE WHILE THESE PEOPLE DESTROY AND TRY TO HANDICAP AND SABOTAGE WHILE BEING TREATED WITH KID GLOVES????? That is bull and just creating a cycle that will affect us all for years to come in this narcissistic society.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Did I miss this posting? I wanted to see what the end result of this research is. Let me know if there is another link to this topic or if it will be posted here.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
I am so dumb–I didn’t know to look at these comments. Lots of questions–but they are somewhat different. I will post on the can’t/won’t first.
July 10th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Hello:
I am new to this sight and I am currently dealing with a PEW. I do believe she is completely and truely narsisstic with a side of BPD, but their is no medical evidence to support these suspicions I have about her. I, myself, am currently diagnosed with BPDI. My therapist explained to me that this specific diagnosis indicates that I am fully aware of my condition because I voluntarilly sought out treatment to fix my problem, or to at least help keep it at bay. I beleive anyone who suffers from BPDII has no realization of their suffering. They truely beleive that they are correct in every action they may take and that their views are absolute. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this may be why the “they can’t” side of this disorder comes into play. Also, my diagnosis makes it very difficult to deal with the PEW which is why I keep my distance as much as possible and let my fiance handle everyhting concerning her. Although I get very frustrated that he does not stand up for himself more and just simply tell her NO when she is being unreasonable or turns on the fake tears. These frustration used to bring out unreasonable behavior on my part, this is another reason I sought out treatment. When I first met the PEW, I could spot her MO and condition almost immediately. I could sense something was not quite right with her, but I can’t convince my fiance of this because I have been long diagnosed with BPDI and so my word does not hold too much merit at this point in time. ow does someone deal with a person who is clearly ill, but doesn’t even realize the problem? Itis hard enough for me to maintain my sanity when I see the PEW completely taking advantage of my fiance, but how do I help him realize that he is dealing with an irrational nut case who seems to be totally unaware of her words or actions, notto mention the effect her actions are having on their two children. The children seem to be becoming an extension of her rather than their own individuals. This is hard for my fiance to help control because he only has them about 20% of the time since she is the custodial parent. These are just a few thoughts and questions I had to get started on my quest to find peace in a situation that is nearly impossible to do so. My fiance and I are to be married within the next few months and this is my first marriage. We also have a 1 year old child in common together and I do not want the antics of the PEW and my reactions to them to harm him emotionally in way. Thank you for your help and I look forward to reading your future posts.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:58 am
[...] Consider this a follow-up to the guest post: “It’s Not That They Won’t, They Can’t” [...]