The Psycho Ex Wife

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LM & DW,

I found your site a couple of months ago, and it is like a breath of fresh air!  It is so reassuring to know that my husband and I are not that only ones trying to carve out a decent family life while dealing with the non-stop craziness caused by a completely psycho ex (I refer to her as the EBM - evil birth mother).  My husband and the EBM have an adorable son (SN).  I love this little boy and enjoy being a stepmom; we have a very strong relationship and since I met him when he was very young he doesn’t remember me ever not being around.

My husband has been submerged in court drama since before I even met him.  The core issue has always been that the EBM would consistently deny my husband’s court-ordered visitation, including refusing to allow SN to accompany us for vacations as specified in the court order.  She felt like SN belonged exclusively to her and therefore it was always completely up to her when and if my husband was allowed to see his son.  She does not take the law seriously and is unfazed by court orders.  She desperately needs to be in CONTROL and pursues that end at all costs, even when it is blatantly harmful to SN.  It’s heartbreaking, really, what SN has been through.  If my husband would ever object to the EBM denying visitation, she would threaten to haul him into court — which she did follow through on nine different times: a variety of trumped-up abuse charges (once complete with a false witness that she hired), a fraudulent police report that she forced SN to “sign” (at age seven!), baseless restraining orders, and consistent appeals for increased child support (my husband pays substantial child support but as neither the EBM or her lazy husband prefer to actually get a normal job, they apparently feel entitled to more handouts from us).  It’s insane.  Sometimes I feel like the EBM is truly out to ruin us and we spend our lives trying to defend ourselves from all this crap.  So far, thankfully, we have been successful in court, as the EBM tends to fall apart under cross-examination when she cannot keep her various lies straight.  (We also have a very good attorney.)  Eventually the judge dismisses/denies her claims, of course after we have spent thousands of dollars on legal costs.  To say that this has been stressful for us is an extreme understatement.

After years of this pattern, it became clear that SN desperately needed a stable parent in his life, and the only way that my husband was going to be able to be involved in his son’s life would be to head back to court.  So, we finally turned the tables and took the EBM to court, on contempt of court charges for her consistent failure to adhere in the slightest to court orders regarding the time SN is supposed to have with his dad.  Of course this process took well over a year — and I don’t even want to think about how much money — before it finally got to trial a few months ago.  Fortunately for us, while this was all in the works, the EBM’s husband’s “career” as a drug dealer came to light (not a surprise to us).  We had the whole custody evaluator ordeal, which I am happy to say went substantially better for us than the horror stories I’ve been reading on your site. I guess we were lucky.  The evaluator recommended that my husband be given sole legal custody, and 50/50 residential custody, which is, in fact, what the judge ordered.  This was a huge positive step for us (and for SN), since previously SN had been living with the EBM full-time and seeing us every other weekend (or less, if the EBM denied visitation which she often did).

So anyway, the last few months have been delightful as my husband is finally getting to parent his son.  He is such a great dad!  We have settled into a great family routine and SN loves it.  SN is thriving in a home environment characterized by peace and order — where “the rules” do not change from day to day, nobody yells, things are clean, and everyone is respectful and kind to each other.  So the first month after court went pretty smoothly.  (I guess the EBM was temporarily mellow after getting her butt kicked in court.)

However, sad to say, the tranquility has not lasted.  The EBM is just basically a really bad parent.  I know she has some psychological problems, and I feel sorry for her, but I hate it that SN has to live half the time really in complete chaos.  SN is consistently tardy to school during his weeks with the EBM, even though the school is just a couple blocks away from her house.  She also pulls him out of school way too often (for any number of reasons, such as her having an appointment), without giving my husband the option of taking him to and from school if she cannot (which we would gladly do).  Just today we received a note from SN’s teacher letting us know that the EBM was 40 minutes late picking SN up from school yesterday.  This is completely unacceptable, and totally undermines the progress we are making with SN to help him focus better and really apply himself to his studies.  He is doing better in school since the custody change, but it is so sad to see him beginning to grasp the concept of taking pride in trying hard and doing good work when he’s with us — only to have all that eroded the following week when he’s back with his mother and all her chaos.

As sole legal custodian, my husband is supposed to make decisions regarding SN’s schooling, so I’m thinking that the EBM shouldn’t be allowed to keep SN out of school so much without my husband’s consent.  She has also violated the court order in a couple of other ways recently, including canceling a doctor’s appointment that my husband made (the appointment was for my husband to take SN to the pediatrician during SN’s time with us).  We made the appointment two months in advance and did not find out that the EBM had cancelled it until the day before; at that point it would be another eight weeks before we could secure another appointment.  Even though the court order clearly states that medical decisions are to be made by my husband, the EBM resents this and will apparently take any and all possible steps to block my husband’s involvement, even though doing so is clearly detrimental to SN.  She doesn’t care, because in her head it’s all about HER.

So my question is, what can we do about all this?  Talking with the EBM does absolutely no good; we’ve tried that and she goes into meltdown mode and rants and raves and swears and then hangs up the phone.  We are documenting everything carefully, and my husband thinks the only thing we can do is continue documenting and then once we have an overwhelming amount of documentation in a year or so, take her back to court.  That’s probably where all this is headed, but I am very concerned about SN having to live like this for much longer.  The EBM’s interference with his schooling is particularly concerning to us.  Any advice would be welcome.  Sorry this has gotten so long!

~Juliet

………..

Romeo & Juliet,

I’m not sure I’d wait for a year’s worth of evidence before taking action. I say this because SN’s performance in school could suffer tremendously in that time and, if the lateness and absence continue to be a chronic problem, issues of truancy could arise which could cause problems for Romeo as well.

If she is pulling the child out of school without a legitimate reason (excused absence) - that’s enough of a violation of the sole legal custody provision of the court order to be worth taking her to court for contempt. You’ll obviously need to demonstrate the dates SN was out of school and the reason why he was out of school, which may prove difficult.

The other option is to go for a modification of the custody order that includes a detailed right-of-first-refusal clause that encompasses not only custodial periods - but issues like you describe with the school. It should go without saying, but all-too-often with PEWs, anything that isn’t said isn’t real. You may need to specify in the court order than SN is not permitted to miss school without a legitimate reason and that in the event something for the PEW comes up - Romeo gets the call, the custody, and the responsibility for ensuring SN is taken to school on time.

Readers?

~LM