The Psycho Ex Wife

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An email like this during the holiday season is about as great a gift to us as one can give.  It’s a gift from the writer to those who live a horrifying life with a personality disordered partner to others who believe there is no hope for themselves.  It’s very serious and illustrates just how far into the depths of despair someone can get when they become a willing captive in a relationship with a person who suffers from borderline personality disorder.  We likely won’t ever get the chance to hear from someone who has gone completely over “that edge.”  Today, we’ll read what it’s like from someone who has gone right to the edge and taken a peek over.  With his permission (edited for various protection purposes)…

Subject: Thank You So Much

Dear LM,

I would personally like to thank you for you have single-handedly saved me from my suicide. It’s been 2 months since I broke up with a girlfriend who suffers from BPD. After the break up I was unaware of how her manipulation had a strong grip on me. Right after the break up, a day after, I felt happy being out the relationship which lasted for 2 years  and 1 month.

I know I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend and I did cheat on her but I can now see why I did it. At  the start of the relationship she rewarded me with sex, items, but never ever true affection. Never having experienced a relationship I thought this was a normal act, but deep down I knew something was wrong with it.

There were times where she would seek to get intoxicated badly, or do some kind of drug so she could “feel normal once more.” I felt an odd vibe but I refused to associate it with any thing bad, even though my brain was screaming “CRAZY GIRL!!!” I was blinded by her reward system. I just ignored the warnings. Another big warning that I pushed aside was how her compliments never held a logical sense, like she was never really there when it was time to compliment and they always were the same thing. “You got a big penis.” “You are the only one that make me feel normal.” “I love.” “You are sexy.” The biggest one I should not have ignored was how she wanted our relationship to move so quickly.  In fact, before she broke up with me, she became upset that I didn’t marry her quicker.  When I told her this pace isn’t a normal pace, she grew even more mad and decided to break up. I was so hurt by her sudden decision that I was thrown in to a deep depression. I think I bombed my school semester. I began to have severe depression and anxiety attacks.  As a matter of fact, I was in such a shock that I started crying in my college math class and the professor excused me because she though I was crying because of the math difficulty.

She went from a woman who showered me with love to a woman who wouldn’t give me closure, would attack my weaknesses, twist my words in to things only she felt, and she took a cruel enjoyment out of hearing me crying and having a break down. I thought I deserved all this because I cheated on her, but little did I know that this wasn’t normal.  The woman I fell in love with was now my tormentor. How did she go from a caring person to a person who didn’t understand how much pain I was in? She heard me pleading with her about how much emotional pain she was putting me through and all I wanted was closure - to say something nice about me before I moved on with my life.  Instead she would tell me how that is not what she wants. I would ask her, “Do you want me to be part of your life?” and she wouldn’t reply any thing that was logical. I was becoming more mentally sick as I struggled with her to the point that I thought I was suffering from borderline personality disorder. Since she also used a lot of projection tactics on me, I was forgetting she was the one diagnosed and took on the role of the abuser.

I was so confused with her attitude that soon after - I became the blamed for not understanding that. “Back off you’re smothering and you don’t care about me.” Isn’t that ironic? Or she’d say, “You only want me for sex and you don’t find me sexy!”  Is that a normal thing to say? I thought I was so insane that I wanted to kill myself.

She lead me to believe I was mentally sick with an illness that lead me to hurt other people for my own pleasure.  This was not true and when I fought back her claims she would grow even more upset. A woman who I loved and care so for so much was tormenting me and I was not able to see through the fog to see her lashing out at me.  If I did, she would justify it by blaming me for cheating. Right when she went back to her home for college break she decided to drop me out of her life like I was not worth it. Blaming me for all her “shitty mood and how she didn’t wanted to deal with it any more.” I didn’t understand how she could throw me away like that after tormenting me. I don’t know why, but at the time my mind just wanted to hold on to her even if she was tormenting me.

I wanted to kill myself and been thinking it for the past week or so in until I found your site. Reading through it and seeing how I can relate to some of the actions you experienced, even though some are not as bad as yours, I was inspired to not end this way - not for a woman who isn’t normal. Never did she appreciated me emotionally.  Instead she appreciated how normal I made her feel/seem because now that I think about it, her biggest fear was that I knew who she really was inside. A sad tormented soul who rarely truly smiles and is slowly losing her grip on reality.  She is slave to her ever changing emotions.

Thank you for granting me a Christian’s gift of inner peace and knowledge and I hope you can inspire more borderline personality victims like myself to not give up.

Happy holidays to you and your family.
From your fan - Another Non-BPD

This was quite a bit to digest. I am grateful to all of those who have seen fit to share their stories with us. If we are able to help people, in some small way, wade through such messes, I give you my word that it’s a priceless gift to us. If we are able to help in bigger ways like this, all the better.

We certainly can give “ANB” our promise that there is a lot of life left to live and a lot of people worthy to share in his life, including family, friends, and other loved-ones. Obviously, it will take considerable time and a lot of work to get life completely turned around, but I give ANB our assurance that it’s the best thing to do. I replied…

Dear ANB,

Please try to take comfort in the reality that you are the furthest thing from the only one going through such turbulent relationships with a disordered significant other.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to get yourself into therapy in an effort to repair the damage done to you and your personality. Get back to the person you once were, get yourself healthy, and put your well-being at the top of your priority list. Getting better after such an unhealthy experience isn’t easy, but people do it every single day with the right guidance and the ability to be completely honest with your therapist in figuring out how things progressed to the point they did before it ended.

Be aware that the split from your ex is just the beginning of turning your life around. More important - is getting to the root of your own issues that allowed you to walk so far down this path and learning to avoid these mistakes in the future.

We’re grateful to have had a part in helping you get started. Now, it’s up to you to get the help you need to climb your way out of that hole and live the rest of your life to the fullest! Surround yourself with great friends, family, and love this holiday season and recognize that there is so much and so many to live for.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. We sincerely hope the New Year for you and everyone is better than all those that passed before it!

Sincerely,
Mister-M

We’ve exchanged some other pleasantries and I hope ANB stays in touch and gets back on track.  This is the foundation for a success story and we pray for ANB - that he continues to climb that mountain back to good health and lives a fulfilling life.

This is what the effort is all about.  And ANB - your story and willingness to share it will help others, too.  Thank you for a wonderful Christmas gift.