Borderline Personality Disorder
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We have no intention of avoiding any issues on this blog as they relate to our situation. The first of many is mental illness. We take this very seriously because it has so adversely affected so many lives in our situation.
We strongly believe PEW has Borderline Personality Disorder. She has not been formally diagnosed because she refuses to seek professional help. Of course, I’m sure that those who readily acknowledge that there may be a problem as significant as BPD and desire to seek assistance are few and far between. PEW and LM did have psychiatric testing during one of the custody evaluations and the results confirmed a personality disorder for her, but the therapist refused to diagnose her. Of course there is a lot more to that whole evaluation that we will cover in detail later and it will shock you to your core (unless you’re a heartless bastard).
Borderline Personality Disorder will hereafter be referred to as BPD. There are nine traits or symptoms (a minimum of five of which need to be met in order to make a formal diagnosis) as detailed in the DSM-IV:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Most of these traits you will see in our Christmas 2007 posts, which became forever tied to Christmas 2006 due to the antics of PEW, not to mention the hundreds of posts waiting in the wings. BPD is serious and most experts believe it is caused by early childhood trauma. If you have been around a BPD person you will begin to sense when this trauma occurred because it becomes apparent that they literally stopped developing emotionally at that point in their life. Our BPD stopped developing at about age 6, and it often feels like you are dealing with a 6 year old when talking to her. At 6, most children don’t think about how their actions affect others around them or even how they affect their own future. This is very apparent with PEW.
Unfortunately, it takes many years of intensive therapy to help BPD’s. Due to the nature of the disorder, they are often unwilling to admit that their problems are due to their own actions and therefore they believe everyone else needs the therapy, not them.
We have listed resources where you can get help if you are truly dealing with someone that has a mental disorder. Talking with others who are in your situation is often helpful, and really the only way we have been able to make it through the last four years. Additionally, you will need to dig deep and find a way to laugh. Despite the seriousness of our stories, there are times when somehow managing to find some shred of humor in certain things helped buoy us as well.
Click here to see a very important and informative video regarding borderline personality disorder!
May 25th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
ALso check out the DSM-IV for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My PEW fits all 10 criteria.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Great site, unfortunately “I can feel your pain”.
Just wanted to point out one thing. You had incorrectly indicated that one must meet all 9 criteria to receive a BPD diagnosis.
While my ex-psycho met all 9 criteria for BPD, with a big dose of NPD and AsPD to Boot, it is only necessary for someone to meet any 5 of the 9 traits to be diagnosed with BPD.
just a technicality really. The diagnoses really doesn’t matter. “if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck,,”
BPD,NPD,HPD or AsPD = Cluster B = a whole lot of pain and misery on the receiving end. Yuck!
Remember, the personality disordered are not crazy, they just drive the rest of us that way !!
Good luck:
Hoover
June 9th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Unclear description so edited! Thanks for pointing out the error. We did know this - it just didn’t read quite clearly.
August 1st, 2008 at 6:26 pm
OMG!!! 4 years?? Me too!!!
Are you sure we’re not related…somehow???
Anyway, my wife and I have believed for some time that mine is Ill! The EX (havent got a PC nickname for her) has exhibited NPD and BPD signs. Her outbursts, and the things that have gone on…especially involving the children!
I’m sure she’s at least 2nd generation too because her mother was sick too!
God Love You! I’m in it too!!!
November 21st, 2008 at 5:04 am
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November 25th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
This is IDENTICAL to the way my ex behaved.She would push me,scream ,yell and yell at my stepson who loved me as his own dad.She would go off for no reason at all and everything was my fault even when she took disappeared for a day and a half on a drunk.I got a therapist and she said that the ex most probably had bpd.Of course the ex said I have it not her. After two years from our divorce(which I did not want and fought against)I called to ask to speak to my(step)son,who I have not been allowed to see.Of course she hardly said a word but will not allow it.I miss him and hope he is allright with a nut for a MoM.I used to hate her for the hell she put ALL of us through including herself but now I pity such a sad creature.I loved her more than my life itself and it has ruined any chance of ever loving again,I MISS MY SON SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS.I wish she would get help take CHARGE of her life.If anyone reading this has this illness PLEASE seek help,ther is ZERO stigma attached,it is the same as getting ill and seeing an M.D.You must help yourself PLEASE the people who love you are getting weary of being abused and seeing their loved ones hurting.I dont know if my Ex is evil,sick,just plain bad or what.This has ruined me.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Unfortunately our situation is eerily similar to yours.
My ex-husband and I get along well, except for the first year, immediately after we split up. The first year was really, really tough, because he was angry I wanted a divorce. But after he accepted the reality that our marriage was over, he acted agreeable. We didn’t hire any attorneys. I went to a paralegal, and had everything written up fairly, and he was in full agreement, and that was that. I didn’t see any point in padding any attorneys pockets.
We even sat next to each other in court, on the day our divorce was finalized. The Judge called us back into his chambers to say he was shocked/impressed/ confused about how we could sit in court next to each other, at our divorce hearing. lol
Now, my new husband’s ex-girlfriend is a flippin nutcase. My husband & I have put out so much money trying to protect the kids from her (hubby has sole custody), because she’s a long term, self-admitted meth addict. We asked for a psych evaluation to be done, so we would know what disorders/illnesses she has, but she used the “I only acted crazy for ten years, because I was using meth.” And the Mediator & Judge gave her the benefit of the doubt.
We’ve been dealing with the courts for years, and finally got her court ordered to be randomly drug testing, supervised visitations were ordered, etc…but she’s transitioned to unsupervised day visits, and lo and behold, she’s acting unstable again, during the unsupervised day visits.
She told the kids, she’s going to make my life a living hell. She’s going to ruin our marriage, and ruin our lives.
My stepkids have to see a counselor, after they visit her. We take them to see a counselor, it’s not court ordered, because they need help processing all of the toxic crap and lies she feeds to them, during her unsupervised day visits. The counselor documents everything for us, and we willingly submit their counselor’s documentation to the Judge, but the Judge keeps allowing the nutcase access to the kids.
It’s.freaking.crazy.
December 16th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Heh… BPD to the T. 5 of the 9 is all that’s required for a diagnosis. My PEW had several bell ringer periods where she exhibited all 9 (Silly me, I should have forced the involuntary commit that’s possible when she exhibited #5 on a periodic basis…). One should also keep in mind that there’s the potential for co-morbidity with B-Cluster illnesses. You can have BPD+NPD (though that’s somewhat rare in women and more likely in men…), or bipolar-affective disorder plus BPD (Heh… That’d describe the ex and her hellchild…and the less said of what all they did, the better- I’m trying to heal from the madness, not share the wounds I got from it all with others…).
Mental healthcare providers are often loathe to hand out a diagnosis of BPD, muting it with a diagnosis of bipolar with “borderline tendencies” which is a BS diagnosis… BPD’s not diagnosed often because it’s difficult to get a bead on the people because they’re a hollow core of a person with actor’s personnas placed up as fronts- they’re a myriad of facades and it’s hard to see the forest for the trees unless you’re looking for the cause of the noise in your life. Moreover, they don’t like treating the people afflicted with this disorder- they’re of the mind that there’s nothing wrong with them and everyone else has the “issues”, something that’s part of the nature of the illness in question.
A watchphrase that should get yout to start questioning the possibility of this illness is: Facts follow feelings with a Borderline. That is, their reality is defined by how they feel about something. What they feel is real and facts that don’t match up with those feelings can’t be real- they’ve got to be lies. Literally speaking, if the Borderline feels that the sky is actually green, they’ll see it that way and think you’re insane trying to tell them it’s blue- or you’re trying to get them to think they’re crazy.
January 25th, 2009 at 8:17 am
The last paragraph by DarkElf says it ALL. BPDs alter the facts to fit their feelings, not the other way around as the rest of us do. My husband definitely has BPD. He has acted in ways that are just ridiculous. It is as you said: they are like children. Literally. And they throw tantrums like children do. I have three kids; I know a temper tantrum when I see one. You do not have to have all 9 of the criteria to be diagnosed but he absolutely does. The first time I read the criteria, I was so happy I wanted to cry. FINALLY somebody could understand! It was as if they’d observed him for a year and then written it about him. At first I thought he had NPD (and given co-morbidity, I am not so sure he doesn’t) but it didn’t all fit him. THIS does. He was abusive, jealous, childish, paranoid and would say just the craziest things. People with BPD don’t seem to know anyone; everyone is who and what they think that person is and it doesn’t seem to matter who that person REALLY is. The hardest thing I think in dealing with BPDs (besides the repeated suicidal threats and attempts) is the fact that the idea that other people have feelings or are even “real people” the way they are never even seems to occur to them. It isn’t even selfishness; it’s oblivion. If they do something to you and you are hurt by it, they accuse you of just saying that to hurt THEM and they really believe that. Why? Because it isn’t possible that you have feelings. Only they do. The fact that you are SAYING you do is only an attempt to hurt them in some way because YOU don’t care about their feelings.
After 5 years of putting up with this craziness almost EVERY SINGLE DAY (and it got crazy; more than I will ever admit, I think), I was finally done. Not one more thing. Not one more crazy thing out of his mouth, not one more broken thing, not one more night with him locked in the bathroom with a knife, not one more time of him putting his hands on me. And you know what? He FINALLY got help. He finally realized that it really IS him and not everyone else. His doctor put him on Trileptal, an anti-seizure medication and he is like a different person. He doesn’t take offense at everything I say, he doesn’t get mad for no reason, doesn’t threaten or try to kill himself and he doesn’t freak when we argue and break things or become physically abusive. He still gets upset sometimes but it is “normal” upset, for normal reasons. When he comes in the room, I don’t feel like punching his face in anymore. I can actually stand him. More, I can actually get along with him and joke around and he doesn’t get angry or hurt or offended and accuse me of trying to hurt him. I am finally married to the person I knew he really was underneath all that crap.
The moral of the story is that though it is not their fault for having BPD, failing to get treatment for it is. My husband would have undoubtedly ended up a suicide statistic of BPD before much longer. He is one of the worst cases I’ve ever heard of, as far as his behavior. His life was unbearable and so was mine. Now it is SO MUCH better and I’m glad I stuck it out. Those of you who couldn’t… you’ll not be judged by me. I can understand, believe me. Just remember that no matter what, for all intents and purposes it’s out of your life and that’s all you could ask for.
February 24th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
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March 8th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
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March 20th, 2009 at 3:53 am
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March 27th, 2009 at 11:03 am
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April 2nd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
THANK YOU for this website. It has brought me so much relief! Our path is not an easy one.
I’m almost certain our PEW has BPD (and more) and unfortunately I think it is also manifesting in SD (age 11). PEW exhibits inappropriate sexual behaviors around teenagers/middle school students (histrionic?), lies and distorts reality, breaks court orders, etc. She has no real sense of identity (emptiness) and takes on the characteristics of those around her at the time. For example, she became obsessed with a certain gentleman we knew mutually, and after successfully alienating us from him, she proceeded to (almost overnight) move to his same city of residence, convert to his religion, convert to his political party, convert to his same musical tastes, etc. She suddenly became someone obsessed with singing and dancing (he was in a band) and everything that was his favorite became her favorite too!
Every time SD calls I can hear PEW screaming like a maniac in the background - she screams A LOT about EVERYTHING (yet projects this onto me and tells SD to tell people I scream a lot about everything and break things). SD instigates conflict frequently, humiliates us, lies (I suspect to get more attention from mom who leaves her home alone for extended periods of time before and after school). I have even caught SD abusing our cat in an effort to get it to scratch her so that she could get attention by crying about how the “evil cat scratched her”. I have watched PEW baby her over these scratches then proceed to tell us that it is infected and insinuate our cat has rabies. I will also note that SD loved the cat when we got it, but after her weekly visitation back at PEW’s she came back to us and started talking about how much better PEW’s cat was and started calling it names. I suspect PEW not only tries to alienate SD from us but also our cat.
PEW is obsessed with me and encourages SD to lie to police and school officials with complete disregard for what this is doing to SD’s mental health. PEW will accuse us of not caring about SD’s extracurriculars, and then she herself will not attend. When SD played volleyball, PEW told the coach she would make pictures of the games to give to her to create a collage. Instead, she never went to most of the games, then demanded that we turn our pictures over to her for her to give to the coach (since we went to every game).
The other day SD made an attempt to extract my user name/password information in exchange for her giving me PEW’s user name/password to her email and WOW account. I had to stop her and explain that this behavior was inappropriate. However, I suspect that PEW put her up to this hoping I would be dumb enough to give her that information. She manipulates her like a puppet - even getting her to steal things from our home for her. For example, last year PEW told SD to steal her allergy meds from our home (so that we could not administer them to her) in an effort to make abuse allegations in court that we were not “administering her medications to her”.
Yes, you read that last sentence correctly.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
You know what? We should all get together and write a book!
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:29 pm
My wife has displayed many if not all of these symptoms in varying degrees. I have been patient and caring beyond what I though was humanly possible. However, it has come to the point where I can’t take it anymore and I was starting to lose myself. I told her that i was leaving and then she broke down and admitted all of her faults and told me that it was not my fault. Does this mean that she is on a path so self healing - is this even possible for someone with BPD to come out of it on their own? Or is this a strategy to keep me around and avoid the feelings of abandonment? It has only been a week now(since I decided to stay!!!), but I can see that anger and outbreaks have been much less intense and infrequent.
April 29th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I have BPD. I was searching for BPD-related blogs, and happened across this one. I read some posts and I wanted to leave a couple of comments.
There is still a lot of stigma and misinformation about BPD. It’s a serious illness, and doesn’t mean that you suffer “one trauma” and “stop developing” as stated above. It’s expressed by different people in very different ways…Those of us dealing with identity disturbance and affective instability are different from those coping (or not) with suicidal ideation and inappropriate anger.
And maybe…some of the people you are talking about have some other kind of personality disorder. Because deceitfulness, not caring about others’ well-being, lack of remorse - those are all characteristics of Antisocial Personality Disorder, not BPD at all.
To Charles not in charge: It sounds to me like your wife has taken a big step in admitting that she has problems. But I also have to say - don’t think that it’s over. It’s not that she doesn’t want to “be good” or that she doesn’t love you, but learning how to regulate your emotions takes time and energy. Learning how to trust people takes work. Make sure she gets professional help, and make sure you both get support.
But please be aware that it isn’t always easy to get help or a diagnosis. I dealt with a lot of situations that I found stressful - like a psychologist who (without knowing my background) said that I “probably didn’t have BPD, because people who get BPD have really suffered. Do you REALLY think you could’ve suffered enough to have BPD?” On the other hand, I was diagnosed with BPD by a psychiatrist who had only seen me for 30 minutes and didn’t do any testing.
To this blog: I understand the pain that Borderliners can cause, and I commend you for trying to reach out to people who are dealing with crazy ex-es and a ridiculous custody system. I’d be bitter, too.
Your ex-wife may never read this blog, but many many people with BPD will.
So please - being Borderline doesn’t make you psycho and it doesn’t make you an evil bitch. People can be psycho bitches without any help from BPD.
But remember: Borderliners CAN get better. People recover from BPD all the time. DBT in particular has shown to be really helpful.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Fin - your contributions and information are very much appreciated and I assure you, we’re serious when we wish you continued successes with your situation. What you say is very true.
You’re absolutely correct… people can be evil, psycho pains-in-the-ass without having any mental illness at all.
May 5th, 2009 at 1:27 am
I came upon your site when I googled parallel parenting and was greatly saddened by your display of life. Yes; I am the psycho ex. When my husband left me I had no idea there was another woman. Even today knowing the truth I do not blame her - it could have been anyone and he made the choice to go outside the marriage. I do not blame him or her. It happened. My life was turned upside down and I began to drink. Remember I’m psycho ex that’s what I do when my husband leaves after 20 years and I gave up a career 15 years ago and I’m scared shitless. And I did wind up in rehab where I learned a great deal. My ex is a high powered atty and filed for custody after spending my retirement and life savings on atty’s I realized I need to give up my parental rights and negotiate for time with my daughter. Today I work with indigent women who are in recovery from substance abuse. All face custody issues, are accused of being borderline and have been abandoned by our legal system and very often the fathers of their children. My ex and his wife decided parallel parenting suited them. I no longer exist for them as a parent. I meet with a therapist to learn about what is happening in my daughter’s life. She is suffering from many disorders and a fear of abandonment. I am no longer angry. I have accepted my reality. During the custody case I offered many times to try to work it out between us and not with the legal system. He thought he had the upper hand and would pay less child support - he was right but because I was so fragile after being in a custody battle with a high powered atty he had to pay more in alimony. No one wins least of all our daughter. I would prefer co-parenting but the therapists now want our $$$. So I meet with them and learn more about how two people who once loved each other and had a child together can tear that child apart bit by bit. Please take down this site. It truly hurts all of you; most of all the children. Not every ex wife is has a breakdown when the world she helped to build is shattered remains shattered. Many rebuild. Many deserve your empathy and forgiveness. And even if we don’t please don’t forget we are just like you - human.
May 25th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I think you might be misunderstanding of what this site is designed for: for people to find a commonality amongst serious chaos. His accounts of his married and subsequent divorced life, with someone who’s mentally ill help the rest of us deal with similar situations.
The commonalities in this case are psycho ex-wives. They exist, they are very real, and they can make your life and that of your children, very very painful. Some may have BPD, some may be alcoholics such as yourself, and some just might be THAT bitter. Who knows, but the end result is the same for all of us: costly court fees, endless fights for your children’s time, painful moments lost (I missed my son’s second birthday, and I am about to miss two more of my son’s birthdays, not by my choice, and for the record I live 10 blocks from my children), and a hopeless battle against someone who doesn’t believe in the same reality that you (and the rest of the world) share.
Take the site down? Not in this lifetime.
May 29th, 2009 at 8:50 am
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June 3rd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
In response to Charles…I was a mental health counselor for 10 years and ironically enough my ex (spent 7 years together, been apart for 2) is a BPD. Of course it took me years to admit that and I never fully allowed myself to see all the signs until after we split up. I guess you could say..love is blind and I was to close to the situation to see it for what it was.
My advice in regardst to your wife… My ex went through NUMEROUS “insightful moments” during our relationship where she could recognize her problems and even almost admit she was a BPD. In those moments she seemed to have such clarity and I had high hopes that things would change. However..for her anyway, it was just part of her pattern and it never lasted long. If your wife truly wants to change and become healthy she NEEDS to work with a qualified therapist. I can almost guarantee if she is a BPD and has not sought professional help, those issues are going to arise again and again.
I have worked with numerous Borderlines over the years and the sad fact is the majority of them do not get better. I am not saying it is impossible, because I have knows a few who work very hard at managing their symptoms and having it affect their lives minimally. They still struggle with the feelings, but can learn how to cope. However, I do not believe it is something they can do on their own and they will suffer with it for life. They need to work with someone on recognizing their feelings and developing coping skills as a reaction. One way to think about it is this…BPD is a dominating part of their personality. It is how they have formed and developed based upon various life experiences and very much a part of who they are. How difficult would it be for you to change an aspect of your own personality?
I tried for years back and forth with my ex. Since I have mental health back ground I tried to help her as best as I could and stuck it out way longer then I should have in hopes that “this time it would be different.” Now…two years after the split there is near constant drama revolving around our daughter. My ex continues to struggle with the fact that she no longer has the control she use to over me and will try to use our daughter as a bargaining tool. I have just had to change my reactions to her and minimize direct interactions as much as possible. It has been a long and painful journey.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:38 am
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July 2nd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
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July 8th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
I happened on this web-site this afternoon. OMG! I can’t believe how much this is a story of my life. I have mostly laughed, not because it’s funny, but because it’s so true! I didn’t know there was actually a name for my ex’s problem but we’ve been divorced for 10 years and she’s getting worse all the time. I just thought she was demon possessed or something. I can’t wait to read more when I have time. And maybe even post some of my own stories. I just want to know how you can get help for someone that thinks “everybody but her” has a problem. She’s got custody of my kids and driving us all insane! She assaulted my 13 yr. old son last week and then called the sheriff and told them he assaulted her. This is a pattern. She did the same to me when I was at home. It’s got to stop. I’ve reported her to Department of Children Services, but nobody seems to listen. As my daughter said, if you don’t live with her, you don’t have a clue what it’s like.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Just had to add a little more, since I’m new to this site and am so anxious to vent and relate with those dealing with similiar situation. I was married for 14 years and it began from day we left the church. It blind sided me, I thought I’d mistakenly got her mixed up with one of the bridesmaids or something. Only had I seen a couple of hints prior to the marriage, but never did I invision such an about face over night. Folks ask me, why did it not work…I say, “the only thing I can figure is I was always told the key to a successful marriage is never going to bed mad….then after about the first 4 weeks straight of not getting any sleep, I had to go to bed!” And even though we’ve been apart now for 10 years, you would think that our break up happened only a week or two ago. I’ve found that having as little interaction with her as possible is the only way it’s been tolerable. Regarding Charles’ note…”J” couldn’t have explained it better. I’m no mental health counselor, but I figured it out the hard way. When my ex felt me drifting away, with no energy left to fight, and her demands to control me were all in vain, she would resort to being remorseful, some terminal illness that I just now heard about(been terminal for almost 25 years now), bad medication, you name it…so pitiful with many excuses on why she was that way. I would so hope that it would be better this time and that she had finally realized how she was acting. But that was only on few occasions, because she rarely thought that she had a problem. Then when I gave in to her insincerities and was reeled back in, it would start again. She reminded me of a cat that had caught a mouse, but won’t kill it…just make it wish it was dead. The cat will toy and beat on the mouse until it is lifeless. The cat will just sit and wait for the mouse to revive itself barely enough to try to crawl away, and the once again the cat will pounce on it again to begin the process over. But each time her actions would be worse than the time before. Almost like a drug addicts needing more or a stronger drug next time to get their fix. So don’t fall for her eagerness to fix things. Even if it does last for a few days, or even a few weeks, the torture will begin again as soon as you get enough breath in you to live again. They work your mind so much, that you start believing that maybe it is you and that maybe it’s not as bad as you think. But it’s like the saying goes “when you’re a pig, you don’t know that pigs stink.” You begin to alter your own life in away to believe that you are now living in a normal relationship. You can’t lose your identity in all this mess, you’ve got to remember who you are and what you stand for. And reasoning with these folks is impossible. No matter what you say and how right you are, you might as well be talking to sign post. I still gain as much ground out of a simple “grunt” as I do trying to rationalize with her. If this BPD person, or whatever kind of mixture of disorders they have, doesn’t seek professional help, don’t think it’s going to get better. When folks show you how they really are…believe em! Good Luck to all and I feel your pain.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Tim,
You asked how you can get help for someone that thinks everyone but her has a problem. The bottem line is you can’t. The only way she can really be helped is if she recognizes there is a problem and seeks help herself. She has to do the work and it is very hard work to try and manage BPD. I spent years and years trying to help my ex because of my counseling background and only managed to stress myself out more and get repeatedly sucked into the drama like you mentioned. The push and pull and the need me one minute and treat me like crap the next eventually wore on my self esteem. I am a very empathetic person though so it was very hard for me to break that pattern myself because when she was low and remorseful and would tell me how she hated the way she treated me and how wonderful I was..(etc. etc.) and really seemed to have some insight then I would turn into a support person and make her feel better. Only to have her completely turn on me and do horrible things again.
Now that I have been out of the relationship for 2 years I have regained myself back and am able to keep better boundaries. It was amazing to me how different I became during the course of that relationship…someone I didn’t know because I was so miserable and defeated.
When children are involved it is so much more difficult. I cannot completely eliminate contact because of our daughter. However, I have learned to take on more of a “professional tone” when dealing with my ex. I speak to her as limitedly as I can and I don’t respond to every little call or text she sends me. When she tries to be nasty and draw me into a fight, I either ignore it or respond as I would in “counselor mode.” I keep my boundaries up with her and work very hard at not allowing her actions to affect how I feel. I know how hard that can be because sometimes just being in the same space as someone with these problems can create a chaotic feeling in the air. Until recently, I did get sucked in a lot because of our daughter and trying to do what was best for her. Lately I have realized that every time I responded and would be there for my ex it really wasn’t helping in the long run. In fact, I realized that unfortunately my daughter will be dealing with this for life so I needed to take a different tactic to try and protect her. Now instead of dealing with my ex’s ongoing issues because it seems like every other week there is some kind of drama going on, I focus on my daughter. I am teaching her that she is in control of her own feelings and emotions and that is all she can control. I teach her she cannot control other peoples actions, only her own. Teaching her that even if there is a lot of negative going on around her she is able to choose how she feels and how she responds to it and teaching her coping mechinisms so she does not have to ride the “crazy wave” with my ex. My daughter is 9 and I have been doing this with her for the past few months and believe it or not…she is dealing with things so much better then she use to. The situation at my ex’s hasn’t changed, but how my daughter is handling it has. She was having so many behavior issues at my ex’s because of how she was responding to the environment and it was so hard for her to go from the stability at my home half the week to the chaos over there. Those behaviors have considerably decreased. I guess to sum it up what I am saying is you have to really accept and realize that there is absolutely nothing you can do. All you can do is not allow her to push your boundaries, not get sucked in to her drama and minimize contact as much as possible. She will continue to create chaos around her because that is part of BPD. They only feel comfortable and alive when they are surrounded by chaos. As for her getting help….she has to make that choice and do the work. It is out of your hands.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I think I’ve met my clone. It’s so unbelievable that there’s others that have experienced and felt the very same things that I have. Although, I was just hoping that I had gotten the only one like her and from here on out, I couldn’t go wrong if I decided to try it again. But I guess you destroyed that theory.
I can’t believe how parallel our lives are. I have realized through the past few years, everything you said. I too am a very empathetic person and I guess co-dependant to a certain degree. My desire to please and “fix” her problem made me completely lose who I was in the process. But thank the Lord above that I was able get a grip, survive, and rise again to who I am and what I want to be.
It’s my two kids, now 13 and 18 that I worry most about. I too have spent much time to help them cope with the daily drama. Now they find peace in venting to me, because they know I truly understand what they’re going through. Such as me expressing my self on this website I guess. But it was such a struggle with them until about a year ago. I endured so much, due to her lies and the confusion in their head…planted there by their mother. Pew, as they refer to her here, tried everything in her power to alienate the kids from me. It was her only way that she knew she could really make me suffer. But I stayed the course. Never running her down, being constant in who I was, dependable, and showing them care every chance I got. Never wavering. Then after 9 long years, my kids got in my truck one day and out of the blue, apologized to me for all the bad they had done to me on behalf of their mom and telling me how much they appreciated my endurance. I told them I appreciated it, but they never had to say anything, because I understood. But inside, I was the happiest man alive at that point. It was probably the most special moment of my life, outside of the day they were both born. I wouldn’t have to live another day because I had seen and felt the moment that I was living for…for my kids to freely love and trust in me again. Even though the last 9 years may have been lost, I had just gained the rest of my life with them. Almost as quick as I had lost it. From that day forward, we can’t get enough of each other. Its been wonderful and it has done nothing but drive PEW insane. She has lost control and is now in a total tail spin…trying to destroy everything in her path.
This is no competition for me. I want the kids to have a mom that they can rely own and love. But as of now, she has completely destroyed their feelings for her.
So no matter how bad it gets with PEW now, who mattered most is now back in my life. And that’s all I really care about anyway. I just hurt for them, knowing the misery and uncertainity that is dealt out almost daily by the hands of their own mom.
Thanks for your time and words of reassurance.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Thank you, Tim, for sharing such a wonderful outcome.
July 13th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
“Facts follow feelings with a Borderline. That is, their reality is defined by how they feel about something. What they feel is real and facts that don’t match up with those feelings can’t be real- they’ve got to be lies. Literally speaking, if the Borderline feels that the sky is actually green, they’ll see it that way and think you’re insane trying to tell them it’s blue- or you’re trying to get them to think they’re crazy.”
Congratulations….you just summed up my ex…
only difference….her sky was pink.
July 16th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Hurricane borderline strikes again. My ex is on the rampage and extremely upset that I will not answer her calls to discuss the latest chaos in her life and give her advice. The end result is she is once again using our daughter as a pawn and is now saying I can only have my daughter every other weekend (instead of the 3 days a week I have had.) I swear…some days I just don’t know how much I can take. I pick my daughter up tomorrow for our weekend and I know she is going to be so upset. She already feels like she doesn’t get enough time with me and hates to go back to her other house. I don’t know if I can handle not seeing or talking to her for 2 weeks. I feel as if I am grasping for some kind of anchor in the midst of the storm.
July 16th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Don’t you have a custody agreement or order in place? If not, you might want to file for one right away. Don’t let your ex control access to your child. Let that go on too long, and the court will make it status quo!
July 17th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I wish I did, but unfortunately she is not my biological child. I have just been in her life and raised her since she was 6 months old so legaly I don’t have any rights and have to take what my ex will give me. It’s hard on both my daughter and I because she would rather be with me most of the time and I know this is so hard on her. I haven’t been able to see or talk to her in a week and I can’t wait to give her a big hug when I pick her up tonight.
July 27th, 2009 at 3:34 am
[...] BPD [...]
July 28th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I haven’t posted anything in a while, but am hoping J pulled through his last episode.
Now I’ve got another mountain to climb myself. I got laid off 3 years ago this month from a job that I had held for 17 years. I was making a decent salary and had thought, even though the rest of my world seems to be caving in, at least I had a good job. Of course I shouldn’t have said that. Since then it’s been a struggle to find work. Without moving away from my kids to work, my options were so limited on any work at all. But I decided to tough it out and get by the best I could until my kids were out of school(one just graduated, but the other has 5 more years). I had held three jobs since then, all of which resulted in more lay offs. Then I recently found a contract position that was only short term, but it paid the bills for now.
So a few weeks ago, PEW decides to go on another rampage. Someone told her I was still breathing, so she began her mission. I took the kids on vacation for a few days, before I had to leave on another trip the next week. She had told me as we were leaving town that I had to keep them for two weeks because she suddenly had to go out of town on a trip at last minutes notice. I didn’t pay her any attention because she always says stuff like that when she’s mad. And she’s always mad when I’m taking the kids anywhere. She fights with them all the time, but she doesn’t want them out of her sight. Upon returning home from our trip (3 days later), to drop them off with her, we found that she was not there and had changed the locks on the house so the kids couldn’t get back in. When it was all said and done several hours later, we found she was still in town, she finally came home, and I left town the next morning for my business trip.
After I had reached my destination several hours away, the next day I recieved a call from my son in distress begging for help. She had attacked him, ripped his shirt off and tried to get him to hit her. He escaped from her and ran out of the house. She then called the sheriff and reported that her son had assaulted her. He was terrified, but more broken hearted that his mom had completely lied to the sheriff when he arrived about what all he had done to her. He said, “Dad I never touched mom and she did all that stuff to me.” I was beside myself but couldn’t get home for a week. I knew exactly what he was talking about because she had done the same to me on numerous occasions. The next few days had to be most miserable time of my life feeling like I had stranded my son. I spent hours on the phone the next few days trying to settle the kids and do something from
a far.
Upon returning home, I randomly checked my seldom used Post Office box (I get most of my mail at my home address)only to find I had an order signed by a judge that I had missed a court date (that I knew nothing about)that raised my child support almost $700 a month. PEW had gone to court and testified that I made more money than I ever had in my life, that she made less money that she really did, that she had the kids 365 days a year, and that I had willingly unemployed myself to avoid paying a large amount of child support. So since I wasn’t in court to defend myself, it was found to be true and I was obligated to pay the additional amount.
In the meantime, my daughter had to get ready for college and PEW completely disowned her. I took up the slack, paid for everything, got her registered, got funding arranged, found her a place to live, etc., etc. Even spent all the money I had saved back to get her a car to get her to school. PEW never helped with a dime or a moment of time.
So then I had to file a motion about my child support case to rebuttal/set order aside, until I could be heard. I went to court, a hearing was set for yesterday and I went to defend myself. I got there prepared to show my current income, prove that I had been looking for stable work, and show that I indeed took every advantage I could to be with my kids. But what I found was a judge that wanted to hear nothing I had to say, said that she had remembered what she knew about me from the day I didn’t show up in court, and had ruled on my income based on my potential to earn (plus another 5 grand on top of that). I tried to explain my efforts to find work and she informed me that “you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and go find you a job.” So I guess contract labor doesn’t qualify as a job. I was just in shock. Without going into all the rest of the hearing, bottom line…I got a royal screwing. And of course, PEW was just sitting there grinning.
So now, I’m not sure what to do. Appeal the decision, and pay as much in legal fees as I do in extra child support? Fight for custody of my kid, spending out the ying yang to prove how unstable she is, and making it appear that I’m only doing this because of child support issues. I would have fought long before now, but she has had such a spell over the kids that they’re terrified as to what their mother will do, if they acted for a moment like they would rather be with me. But that is changing a lot now and they are starting to really side with me and stand up to her. I’m hoping my son will soon decide that he wants to be with me, rather than me have to force the issue.
But currently the situation is, I can’t affort child support now and I have no money to defend to pay attorneys. Not trying to sound pitiful or get sympathy, it is what it is. Same soup, different bowl for me. I’ve been in this type warfare with her for the last 25 years. But since I found this site recently, I thought maybe I see if anybody had any good advice for me on this deal..that is that won’t get me put in jail.
Better advise quick or I’ll be moved on to some other drama next week. Where do BPDs get so energy..but negative energy at that??? I’m wore out just writing about all this mess.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
You need to look up your state statutes regarding the “imputation of income” for the purposes of child support. In most states, the law is pretty clear (though judges have “discretion”) and that in order to impute income, there must be evidence of an investigation into salary history, ability to find a job at that wage (which is impossible in this economic mess), job search efforts, etc.
While I can never say that a judge can’t arbitrarily impute income, an appeal that is based on a good understanding of your state’s statutes would seem appropriate.
August 1st, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I’m so glad to have found this site. My wife has the same characteristics. Why didn’t I google the disorder, when I found out she had it? I read an article on the web about 3 stages, vulnerable, clinger and hater. She fits them all. I’m very sad now. I have a few friends, some family support and a rejection issues. I see a therapist twice a week which helps. I just learned about this disorder, that it is not all my fault. I’m a very patient person, lonely for affection who was taken advantage off. I should of known better but I was in love on the second date. It is sad, with her family and friends saying I’m abusive to her. I never touched her in any way or raise my voice. She is effecting my sleep, work and physically making me sick. She wants to control everything in my life. If I don’t she threatens hurting herself etc. She living with her mother so she can watch her. I’m fed up with this nonsense.
August 1st, 2009 at 11:24 pm
I know BPD can be horrifying, so I’m very sorry for those of you who have experienced its effects and I hope you are all healing well.
At the same time I hope that you don’t write us ALL off - and by us I mean yes, I was once diagnosed with BPD (though my partner and I now believe that I don’t meet enough, if any, of the criteria). Not all of us are evil, twisted beings who hurt those around us and gain pleasure or comfort from it. Some of us seek help and want to heal - for myself, it was a case of saving my relationship and stopping the hurt I was causing. I underwent two years of extensive DBT, and I’m proud to say I’m recovered.
I know for many others (as it would appear for the PEW), it is a terminal illness for which they do not seek treatment, and causes havoc for family members. My father, is a shining example of BPD monstrosity and is STILL hell-bent on damaging and tearing apart our family (now divorced from my mother, whom I’m living with).
In any case, I’m glad I found this site - my family is a mess because of my father’s antics, and without anyone taking this the wrong way - I do find some comfort that others are going through similar. BPDfamily is also an excellent site for support and nurturing!
Love to all x
August 2nd, 2009 at 7:14 am
We don’t write those off who recognize a problem and seek treatment for it. Those who don’t… what choice does a person have?
September 8th, 2009 at 1:01 am
I’ve been “armchair quarterbacking” for a few years now…having read everything I could find for help, answers, anything to make this chaos make sense…BPD is exactly what my husband and I deal with everyday. A courteous email outlining visitation for the next month gets the reply - “you can’t tell me what to do, you aren’t my dad!” Uh, hello? We know. We just want to make sure we know when and where we are meeting…that’s all. It’s crazy the irrational reactions that we get. One day it’s “aren’t the flowers pretty today” and the next it’s “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.” WOW…OMG…BPD describes my husband’s PEW to a tee.
September 28th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
[...] BPD [...]
September 28th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
I’ve got one for you! How can I deal with an ex-wife that is totally Borderline. She’s got nearly all the symptoms! She’s been demonstrating parental alienation and she’s the most vindictive person you could meet. She is the most manipulating person I’ve ever encountered but on the surface she appears kind and docile. Please help me! BTW…she’s a LMFT and holds a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy, besides being a counselor by trade for 8 years…
September 28th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
That’s a very tough question, Lester. Even more scary for the public at-large (with NO minimizing the pain and suffering you’ve endured) - is that she is very likely qualified to be a “custody evaluator” and make life-affecting decisions about parenting, family, and parental rights.
God help the public and Lord only knows what damage she’s doing to families already given her professional stature and educational background.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I sympathize with you, I also have a PEW. However, I think that you engage her in too many absurd arguments. Just do the right thing, and don’t worry about what she’s doing. Would it do any good to scream and yell if a storm blew apart your home? No, it might make you feel a little better for a second, but your home is still scattered in pieces. She has a disease, it won’t go away. Control what you can control.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Hey, Charles… catch up on the rest of the blog.
There is a chronology of discovery that takes place over the years that’s puts everything in context.
November 9th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Help. I am 52. Just divorcing my ex with problems. Dating a man weith an ex w/ BPD she is abusive and just a real bitch. But worse than that is that he has spent 20 years dodging the rage bullet. She has groomed him well. he avoids any issues that thye havwe let alone what we have. I love him with all my heart and if we don’t make it will be beause of how he handles her mean and abussive outbursts towards he and his kids. It is awful and I am glad that I cannot raise his kids. I have enough on my plate with 2 out of 5 kids with Autism.(Aspergers). How do I help him?
November 9th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
As I read these…I am struck by the fact I was fortunate…I had 15 really good years before things started to slip and the final disintegration has been a little over a year with the rage and craziness only in the last 6 months….(now granted she may have had another life I didnt know about…)now she exhibits 5-6 of these symptoms…my guess is both bipolar and BPD but noone believes me…as well as depression/anxiety/panic and maybe bulemia…its sad..I had to choose between OFP or commitment…and a 72 hour hold wasnt enough..its really tragic…Ive lost a wonderful wife and the kids have lost a wonderful mother…no insight,no compassion or remorse for the fear she has caused her children and she accuses me of trying to take her life ,her kids,her home…no hon…you threw us away…I offered loyalty,help,treatment and forgiveness…not interested..in luv with HS friend she found on facebook…after 27 years…my guess is the affair is just another symptom of her illness…I fought and suffered to save my relationship,then I fought and suffered trying to save her,now I am fighting to save myself and the kids…cuz thruth is..I was letting them suffer too..my fear is the divorce will be an ordeal and I will spend years locked in a struggle with her delusions… I have temp custody,but the manipulation of and pressure from the kids has begun..as well as my rejection by friends and family…geez this site is scary!!!
November 18th, 2009 at 12:09 am
My husbands ex-wife has BPD due to early Childhood trauma. It is a horrible, horrible illness. I have felt hopeless along with helplessness until I stumbled across this website. Unfortunately, the one who is TRULY being affected the most by this is their young daughter. She is already exhibiting signs of anxiety (for a young age) and feels constant confusion due to the guilt her mother imposes on her for having a good time with us. She also treats her daughter as though she’s her “friend” and relies on her for emotional support vs. being a mom to her. I’m not saying she is necessarily a terrible mother…but definitely an unhealthy environment for the daughter. How can we help HER since she primarily lives with her mother? Her mother refuses to seek help and does not believe that anything is wrong with her. It really is like dealing with a 6 year-old. Please help…
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:10 pm
WOW!!! That’s the only word I can come up with at present. I thought I was the only one out there with a PEW. After 9 years of marriage, she decided to leave to pursue an ‘alternative’ lifestyle and said you’re taking the kids…..figure that one out…..I’m still trying to.
Never less, I’m quite happy the kids are with me and my new wife. The kids and I are certainly doing much better now. :o)
I’d never heard the term BPD until now, and after reading MANY posts on here, it would probably be safe to say that the EW could be classified as having it. From the excessive yelling to making me feel like everything was MY fault (including the kids - doesn’t it take 2??) and everywhere in between.
She now looks like an anorexic, rarely (putting it lightly) contacts the kids - how’s 2 times in somewhere around 2 years now? - she’s bouncing from friend’s house to friend’s house in order to survive, and is irritated about child support knocking on her door……
During our marriage, I did everything I could possibly do to keep it together - including moving away from friends and family just for her to ‘get away’ from just that. I’m thankful I’ve found this wonderful site, and I’m now going to be checking into this ‘BPD’ thing more.
January 29th, 2010 at 10:27 am
Until I found this site I felt very alone!
I could write a novel of my story of my 2 marriages. My first wife gave up custody at the beginning, and then became a thorn in my side. In my 10 years of dealing with her, I’ve been yelled a, threatened and named every name in the book. My lawyers and counsellors say not to involve myself in aggressive confrontation, because it will make matters worst. So I try my hardest to deal with things in a mature and in a civil way. Which sort of works, man it’s hard to deal with. This is situation is still going on and probably will until my kids are 18.
My existing wife has a daughter from a previous marriage, which has ADHD and we have a daughter. My other 2 kids have ADHD and ADD. So I’m surrounded by disorders, and trying to find ways on dealing with them different is getting difficult.
But here’s the twist my wife, also has personality disorder, ADHD, ADD and OCD that was just diagnosed this year. I promised her that I would stick by her during this time of need. Last year, before she was diagnosed, I snapped under the pressure of the constant emotional roller coaster, dealing with her, my kids and my ex. Things got confrontational, nothing physically happened but we both got aggressive with each other. Allot of misunderstanding and things blew up. We work through this, but we agreed that I would go to anger management and she would go for a psycho evaluation. This is when she was diagnosed with the disorders I mentioned before; and instructed to take medication. She was told the medication will not fix the issue, but will help her control her emotions while they find ways to deal with the disorders. This is still on going. The fun thing about her disorders, when she doesn’t get what she wants or her way she closes up and blows. Then it turns to be my fault she can’t buy or get the item she wants, because I have to pay bills we racked.
I work full time and take care of most of the house hold chores, feeding the kids and making sure homework is done. Because her OCD makes go over board when she does the chores, so she doesn’t do them. Lately she’s been better, because of the medication.
Now it gets interesting my wife and ex clash big time, my wife feels she’s pushing me around, sometime I feel the same. My Ex thinks my wife is trying to replace her as a mother and other things.
I’m trying to find ways to deal with my inner emotions and it’s getting harder and harder. Lately things haven’t gone her way and now she’s back in an episode, not knowing what she wants in life, wondering if she wants a new house, car, move away from friends and no husband. But I’ve been through this about 20 times in our 10 years of being together. I don’t want to break up the family, not only that the judicial system is going to take a gigantic dump on our us. The way my wife is now, she cares for no one and has no remorse.
I’m still trying to find the right things to do.
I could go on and on!!
February 1st, 2010 at 7:43 pm
So I happened to stumble across this website yesterday afternoon and I have to say there are threads in everyone’s stories that sound so familiar. My husband and I have been married for almost two years now. He has two kids from his first marriage and they’re great kids. I’m not saying they’re perfect. They’re teenagers afterall - but we haven’t experienced some of the horrific things we hear from other parents. Well - the older lives with us. After my husband and I were married she asked if it would be alright. She and her mom can argue like cats and dogs. She’s been with us for almost two years.
The younger one lives with their mom and my heart goes out to her. The poor kid is just constantly trying to avoid not attending her mother’s pity parties and I just wonder if eventually depression won’t hit her?
Being a stepmom has been rewarding but pretty hard too. I work full time and I’ve been single for a long time. When I married, I had it in my mind that it would be to an acceptional person and that’s what I ended up with…but boy is his ex BAGGAGE! I took a look at the list of BPD and she’s got a majority of those symptons and boy have we been through a roller coaster ride. We’ve been taken to court because she feels she should receive alimony for the rest of her life, our schedules get jerked around, we’re asked to take the younger child at the drop of a hat because “she can’t deal with life.” The kicker is that the younger one is involved with sports that take her out of town (We drive) and we were just asked by the ex if we would consider “including her” on the trip because she’s scared of driving long distances.
This is what it feels like - she bursts into moods (wide range) at just the idea of not existing in our space. I’m constantly taken jabs at regarding the kids being “HER OFFSPRING.” And the scariest thing is - she does it all the while smiling innocently, trying to look innocent. Her notion of what divorce is, is SO MESSED UP! My huband really is there for me though and supports me whenever he’s around and she’s behaving badly. He has set boundaries with her…it’s just so frustrating.
I just want to move away but then the kids would suffer because she’s their mom and my husband is their dad. If we move we’re literally taking away any stability they have.
Did I mention she was going through her second marriage -caused 2nd foreclosure because of her obsessive spending habits? All because her ovaries worked…there are women out in the world who can’t have children and would be incredible mothers. And this woman’s ovaries happen to work.
UGH! sorry for venting and writing the novel but it felt so great to have somewhere to write all of this!
March 11th, 2010 at 5:31 am
Dear all -
Again, cheers to the starter of the site. An excellent forum that many who live with and/or deal with BPD can have healthy discussion.
I am a young M.D. and have dated three females with BPD. As many have mentioned before, I COMPLETELY understand what others have gone through and it’s simply amazing how much time and energy some of us have spent and invested in dealing with this disorder and trying to care for another individual/family. Insanity is definitely contagious, and during all these relationships, I felt my own grasp on reality slip. The only thing that saved me from these relationships was something spiritual - I could always escape to that to find solace. And perhaps just plain old angelic luck.
I guess I’m writing to share my thoughts because I learned an immense amount about the disorder (above and beyond medical schoo, for sure) after living with it and being on the receiving end of it. I’m well versed in “Walking on Eggshells” and “I Hate You, Don’t Leave me” as I tried to refer my previous GFs to these books. In 2/3 cases, it never worked - as BPDs are resilient to criticism (of course, not ALL, as proved in this forum). But, I noticed the most common theme in ALL of them was CONTROL. All 3 BPD GFs were sociopathic - that is they had no empathy of emotion for another human. All of their actions were directed towards their own ego. They were frequently sycophantic in their means to achieve this sociopathic control as well (flattering me to self-serve themselves). Borderliner MUST have CONTROL and they will achieve this by any means necessary - “push/pull” tactics, trying to make one jealous, making big deals out of nothing to elicit a reaction, guilt displacement, and worst of all via sexual prowess. All the women I dated were very intelligent, attractive, and all conveyed their desire to control via their supernatural sexual prowess. This tactic was very powerful, but as I learned about the disorder, and how to handle it, I became a veteran. Sometimes, I felt like I was in Veitnam with mines all around me, getting snipered from all directions, and having no clue! But as I learned how they operated, I became much wiser. To the point, where I learned the best way to deal with my last GF (and AGAIN, this is only MY experience) was to achieve NO CONTACT at all. This was the best weapon against them. Because a borderliner will use ANY reaction elicited from you (i.e. your voice over the phone, an email - how you write the words, etc.) to manipulate the situation and to ultimately achieve control - and make you feel miserable. Thus, by the last relationship, I was an expert. I RAN. I didn’t walk. And I never looked back. Each of these lasted for two years, and believe me, I quickly recognized something was wrong with each of them - thus, I naturally tried to “fix” all of them in a compassionate manner. I exhausted my efforts, believe me, as I’m sure many of you can, but at the end of the day, none of them really cared to help themselves - and that is what really matters. You can’t fix them unless they want to be fixed - and even if they do, the prognosis is poor (I researched SO many scientific pyschiatric articles and consulted with many M.D. friends on this). Of course, DBT (dialetic behavorial therapy) has been promising, but I think it is a case-by-case basis. I loved all these women. I gave everything to truly help them help themselves. And in the process of all of this, I broke. Now, today, I’m jaded (I’m still young!). And I can’t break out of it, because I know their are good women out there, but it’s like I’ve been through a war, and I’ll never look at women the same. This is my issue now. Many loving young women have tried to help me, but I feel “broken” - I guess that’s the best word for it. Like I’m so distant and can’t trust, etc.
And the sickest realization from all of this that I learned is that 90% of the time in life, what happens to us is self-imposed, whether consciously or subconsciously. And that is disturbing, because that means, that I brought these women into my life, and I stuck with them, and tried to fix them, etc. They are NOT to blame. They suffer in their own way. And I wonder now, why? Why do/did I have this attraction to them. I am not Borderline, have no serious affective/anxiety disorders (apart from normal ups/downs), nor any psychotic/delusional disorders. After all my experiences, by far, this has been the most disturbing thought. Not what these girls are, but why I let them enter my life and linger. Nice girls are like silly putty to me now. BPDs still LOVE me. it’s funny almost. I am BPD magnet. Of course, I can spot within seconds - mannerisms, tone of voice, clothing, perfume, etc. and I stay far away. What’s the next stage? Does anyone have any insight into this? How do you recover and find happiness in the opposite sex once again?
Sorry for the rant. But I needed to get this off my chest. And this forum was the perfect place.