Watch Out for the “Border-LION”: Borderline Personality Disorder
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Consider this a follow-up to the guest post: “It’s Not That They Won’t, They Can’t”
For those of us dealing with a situation in which we have to interact with a borderline (or suspected borderline), this follow-up offers an overview of the drivers of their behaviors and their inability to control them without intervention. It can be difficult to wrap our heads around, but if you can set aside your own personal experiences for just a moment and consider the illness, it does offer important, if not “difficult to digest” insight.
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WATCH OUT FOR THE “BORDER-LION”
Have you ever wondered why your ex-partner (or partner’s ex-partner) can have hysterical outbursts, hitting objects and even threatening violence toward others? There is a technical name for this behavior: impulsive aggression.
In my book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells, I call it the “border-lion” because it’s a ferocious beast that is uncaged when person’s emotions are so strong and overwhelming they can’t be contained. (Impulsive aggression is not exclusive to BPD, but a component of several impulse control disorders such as intermittent explosive disorder.)
Impulsive aggression:
- Is impulsive, unplanned, and reckless (that is, the person gives no thought to the consequences of his actions). Impulsivity is a key point.
- Can be triggered by threats of rejection or abandonment paired with frustration.
- Is like a biological “tug-of-war” between the logical and emotional aspects of the brain, in which the logical side loses. These aggressive tendencies can be inherited.
- It comprises verbal hostility, physical hostility, or both, with the purpose of hurting another person or self.
- It can: be turned outward, (such as outbursts, rages, hitting objects, or violence toward others) or inward (such as suicide attempts or self-injury).
The first rule of communicating with an enraged BP is know when not to communicate! Safety, physical and emotional, always comes first. Here is an excerpt from The Essential Family Guide:
Gauge the intensity of your family member’s anger on a scale of one to ten, with ten being high. According to Christopher Bojrab, MD, people with BPD may be able to calm themselves down when the emotional level ranges from one to five. At six and above, without treatment they may not be able to calm themselves down.
If your family member is at a six or higher, visualize the emotional centers of his brain going ka-ching! ka-ching! ka-ching! like a slot machine spewing forth tokens. Your family member’s thoughts and feelings are warped and what he’s saying makes about as much sense as throwing away your hard-earned money in games you know are designed to put your cash into the casino’s pocket.
Don’t listen to your family member berate you and call you names. Right now, he can’t see your point of view or think through the effects of his interactions with others. It’s not that he won’t; it’s that he can’t. Verbal abuse harms you: ongoing, repeated verbal assaults can be every bit as emotionally devastating as physical battering-especially when it is meted out by an intimate partner or by someone in a position of authority. Anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression are all tied to verbal abuse.
Instead, bring the interaction to a temporary close. Say, “I will not discuss this any more if you continue to yell. I am willing to be supportive and listen if you can tell me what it is you want and need.” If the rage continues, leave immediately (or ask your family member to leave).
Repeat any of the following statements. Don’t argue or try to have the last word. Notice that these statements don’t point fingers at your family director:
- “I want to hear about it, but it’s hard for me when things get too emotional” (instead of “you get too emotional”).
- “We’ll talk later, when things calm down. I want to give you my full attention, and that’s too hard for me to do right now.”
- “I can’t listen right now. Not until things are calmer.”
- “Let me have a little while to calm down and then we can talk.”
Say to yourself:
- “I am not going to take this personally. This is the border-lion talking.”
- “If I stay here and argue, things are going to escalate. If I stay and get beaten down, it’s going to hurt me and the relationship.”
- “My family member can’t grasp all that right now, but I can. I am deciding to do what’s best, even if it doesn’t feel comfortable right now. It will get more comfortable as I keep doing it.”
Although impulsive aggression has a genetic basic and can be treated with medication, that doesn’t excuse the behavior. But keeping this in mind may help you depersonalize it.
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. IT’S PROBABLY NOT ABOUT ANY IMMEDIATE ISSUES BUT SOMETHING DEEPER.
Sources:
1. http://www.mhsanctuary.com/Borderline/siever.htm
2. The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells (2008) Hazelden Publishing.
October 5th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Thank You for the techniques and phrases, I’m hoping to instill these in my step-kids to help them cope when PEW brings out the “border-lion”.
October 5th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Serious question here….While I agree that these phrases may work with a BPD that is somewhat rational at times, where you can say, “let’s talk about this later,” but what do you do about those BPD’s you absolutely cannot communicate with at all? Our BPD goes to an anger level 10 instantly and stays there. She stops just shy of physical attack. We have next to no communication with her because we will not interact with her when she is like this. The problem is there are two children involved in this situation, and we really do NEED to communicate with her at some point. Then what?
October 5th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I have no idea. And while it’s hard to say, because my time with PEW was 100% without knowing what I believe is the issue (and therefore, never having a true understanding)… I can’t imagine any of that working with any effectiveness at all.
Lord knows, there were times when I accidentally did one or more of those things, but it didn’t stop, hinder, stall, or do anything in terms of de-escalating things.
I’ll never know what doing it in a consistent manner would do, but again, based on my extremely biased experience, I have no understanding about how any of that would possibly work.
October 5th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
In my limited personal experience with two different BPs (both of whom have been diagnosed — one is the PEW of a client of mine, one is the PEW of a personal friend), I will state that there are times that those phrases have not worked.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t at least keep trying them anyway.
I think in addition to not taking personally anything that the BP is stating… non-BPs should also not take on accountability for the outcome of the interchange. In other words, even though you can attempt to avoid escalating the interaction, if you inadvertently trigger the BP instead, you cannot hold yourself accountable for that. You don’t always know what those triggers are, and if you tip-toe around trying to avoid them, then you are merely back to “walking on eggshells”, aren’t you?
So, free yourself of ownership of the outcome. The BP owns it. All you can do is make the best attempt you know how to prevent escalation. Your accountable ends at the length of your attempt. Does that make sense?
October 6th, 2009 at 8:38 am
JB,
I want to thank you for that reply because it helped me. I have a border-lion PEH. I am amazed and astounded at the things that have happened and continue to happen. We are 8 years post divorce now and things continue to escalate.
I triggered him recently I suppose my having a child with my current husband. That child is a boy. PEH always wanted boys but we had girls together. Obviously, it is my fault and I am set out to ruin him and this entitles his behavior. I could go on and on.
The point being–even my existence seems to trigger him at times. I’ve belonged to several support groups and the emphasis was always on “not triggering” the border-lion. The only problem is that the triggers chance constantly and I can’t figure it out. One day this is ok, and then the next it’s not and I’m supposed to know that.
I contstantly am walking on eggshells and the slightest little thing gives me pause to think–will this trigger PEH? More importantly, will it trigger him enough that it will go to court? I have been sued over the stupidest things…being sued means dropping life and devoting it to court, preparing for court…and mediating with the PEH to keep it out of court, but it never works. The holidays are coming up, which are a trigger for him. I can not change the time of year, but I know it will be a bumpy ride.
And while we all dance around the border-lion trying to keep him “happy” to have a normal life or at least stay out of court, we are pissing away our children’s childhoods. So sad.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I haven’t read all these answers in detail yet, but I want to say something right now before others read this: I FULLY expect some people to go immediately to a 10 (fully explosive) because issues upon issues, present, in the past in the marriage, and perhaps in past childhood issues create layers upon layers upon layers.
So what do you do? Just what I said above.
DO NOT ENGAGE. SAY “I’M bringing this to a temporary close, yadda yadda from above” AND LEAVE. TALK EVEN IF YOU’RE TALKING OVER YOUR PEW. BUT YOU MUST STAY CALM CALM CALM (which may just get them angrier but you’re going to leave in a second anyway).
The trick to this is telling them beforehand an IF/THEN statement, “If you do this I’m going to do this,” in an informative, not a challenging way, perhaps as part of some other communication, when things are at their calmest. IF YOU GET ALL HUFFY, ANGRY AND SNIDE YOU’RE NOT SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE AND YOU’RE DOING THE SAME THING THEY ARE AND YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT DOESN’T WORK.
The point here is not to change your PEW’s behavior but YOURS. And that’s getting out of there because trying to have a reasonable discussion is not possible–perhaps not in the best of times and certainly not the worse.
This just needs to be repeated again and again and again and again until your PEW KNOWS you’re going to leave.
In me book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells in the chapter on limits there is an example of a man doing this to a wife who was not only screaming about what a horrible person he was but threatening to kill herself. His “leaving” meant staying away for 24 hours, sometimes more (remember he was married). After some months, and she knew he would leave, she got it through her head that yelling=him leaving. This took time.
Lucky for you, you’re not going back to live with this person.
To fully understand this technique, you really need to read the entire book because before all this you go through much more education and other steps–things like knowing how to calm yourself down and understanding why you have felt stuck before.
Thanks to Mr M for this service!
October 7th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Thank you Randy Kreger, now we have hope that eventually PEW will calm down. Complete no-contact for 2 years, tens of e-mail addresses blocked, complaints in the police…you name it. And she is still nuts looking for a way to go straight to ten.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:25 am
After many years of trial and error I really have boiled it down to something quite simple. I don’t spend time worrying about triggers or planning how to say things, although I am sure I instinctively do that better now than I did in the past…my formula goes like this….
1) IGNORE everything that does not have to do with the topic at hand (recognizing most other statements are simply her attempts to push my buttons and I will no longer give her that payoff)
2) NEVER ACCEPT any abuse. I withdraw as Randi suggests and I also have learned not to take it on myself….when she goes to 10, it’s her issue not mine. I have no more control or accountability over it than I do the weather.
At some point my ignoring skills passed her ability to get me off topic or agitated with irrelevant stuff…and that was a really good point. Fortunately she provides me with constant opportunities to practice my ignoring skills and keep them in shape.