Are BPD’s Responsible For Their Actions?
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A wonderful lady I follow on Twitter made a comment the other day about seeing so much misinformation online about Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD’s and how a lot of people blame the BPD’s for their actions/problems. I have disagreed with this woman before, mostly because she comes from the side of helping BPD’s and not from my view where I’m dealing with a BPD in daily life, one who won’t get help. It really is a different world when you can walk away from a BPD and go home.
I certainly believe BPD’s deserve help, I just don’t believe it is my job to help our BPD. She is not my family, though she is the Mother of my Stepchildren. If I believed for a moment that she was open to therapy and receiving help, I would be right there pointing her in the right direction She is not. She surrounds herself with negative advocates. If someone believes there is something wrong with her or that LM is not a horrible person, they are immediately kicked out of her life. That’s her prerogative. My job is to protect my children. I simply don’t have the time or energy to try to make her life better. That is HER job and the job of those that love her. If they refuse to do that, the responsibility is not passed onto my doorstep.
That said, I don’t blame PEW for her illness. I know it’s a result of abuse she received as a child. I know her mental ability is that of a 6 year old in terms of dealing with stress and problems. However, SHE and ONLY SHE, has the choice to get help.
She has stated for years that she is having breakdowns, wants to commit suicide, can’t handle daily life, wants to live with her parents and be taken care of, and yet says that her Father should get the help because he is the one that “fucked” her up. It would be nice if he did get help, but that would not change PEW’s behaviors. It would not change the fact that she was abused. It would not change the abuse she is perpetrating on her own children. So yes, I do hold her accountable for the actions she takes while suffering from BPD.
The problem with BPD’s is that everything is someone else’s fault. They twist events in their head to fit how they feel. It’s part of the disease. They lash out to avoid being hurt. While it’s the truth that they do this because someone hurt them a long time ago, they still must take responsibility for their actions. It may come across like they are being blamed, but that’s really not the issue. I look at it as a classic legal issue where a schizophrenic stops taking their medication and commits a violent act. Yes, they committed the act because of the schizophrenia, but they made the choice to stop taking their medication. They are responsible for the action - stopping the meds - making them responsible for the violent act that resulted.
Our PEW plays the blame game all the time. If she knows she is at fault at all, she is sure to say, “We are BOTH to blame.” She can never take the “blame” because then she would have to change. Maybe therapists get hung up on the word blame or fault when they should focus on responsibility. Our PEW has eating issues and is teaching her son the same problems. Is it her fault she has eating issues? No. Is it her fault she is teaching her son? Yes.
Honestly, I’ve never dealt with a BPD that has chosen and received help, so my viewpoints are from the other end of the BPD spectrum. Unfortunately I see more and more of this issue in the world, not just with BPD, but with adults and children everywhere. No one is made to take responsibility for their actions anymore. There is always an excuse. They were abused. They weren’t loved enough. They didn’t receive the right things, down to the lowest of lows where a child kills another child over sneakers or a coat. Everyone is responsible for their actions. BPD’s are responsible for their actions. If they aren’t, then who is?
~DW
November 21st, 2008 at 9:33 am
DW you are right on the money with your comments. My PEW (also, I believe, a BPD) presents the same mindset you describe.
For quit a while she has suffered from a severe case of the “well you” disease. For those who have never experienced that disease it goes something like this:
ME: “Why did you call me a liar about (insert current accusation topic)? Followed by a complete explanation of the event showing she was wrong/mis-understood”
PEW: “Well you (insert an accusation from the past (could be 1 month, 1 year or whatever pops in her mind))”
I believe a tactic to avoid admitting a mistake.
She has made accusation that were actually impossible but insists she is correct. Currently she is seeing a shrink that has 3 complaints (to the state medical board (verified by a medical friend of mine)) for over medicating and mis-diagnosing patients. This “doctor” has her on (daily): 3 anti-depressants, 1 anti-psyhocic, ritalin along with a host of other meds she takes (16 a day total).
Of course her response is that she takes these because she “lived with me”. The problem with that rationalization is the pills came months after she left while I was at work.
In the 11 months it took to get a divorce (she filed) she has accused me of “just doing mean things to her”. In reality what I have been doing is trying to pay bills with 1 paycheck that we paid with 2 as she hasn’t paid a single debt nor contributed to a payment since she walked out. She has sat in front of the woman’s house that she accused me of having an affair with at all hours of the day/night and is even on security tape getting out of her car and looking in her windows (at 1 am). I hear about this in phone calls that begin with: “your wife”! But, according to her, I have a problem!
The sad thing is we were married for 34 years before this began. When I tried to talk to her about changes I saw I just “wanted her out of my life”.
BPD is a horrible thing but, as you stated quite well, the person must seek the proper help. Otherwise, they will continue to self-destruct and blame anyone else.
The life I thought was forever is gone, 2 of my adult children haven’t spoken to me nor allowed me to see my grandchildren in a year and all of this is because she wouldn’t get the proper help and believed her own delusions (as did they).
It’s sad but the one thing it has done is help me to see who my real friends are and who I can count on when I need someone.
I’m now attempting to put my life back to gether (after a year) and don’t care to look back.
Good luck to you and LM and to anyone else who has been put into a similar situation. You will need luck, therapy and a good sense of humor (some actions will, sadly, be funny) to get through it. But you will.
November 21st, 2008 at 10:30 am
We all have terrible things happen to us in life; some are beyond our control, others are not. It is easy to sit back and say “woe is me” and been mad at the world. That is an unhealthy way to view things so you get counselling, help yourself, identify your mistakes, “build a bridge and get over it”, move on and be healthy. Am I perfect? Oh certainly not! But, when I ended up in debt I said “oh crap, my bad” and FIXED IT, I didn’t keep spending until I was about to lose my house. When I make a mistake I admit to it. I have had a difficult life too. It is not an acceptable excuse.
Blaming their actions on BPD is enabling them. But you are right DW, we live in a society where no one is expected to take responsibility for thier actions. That needs to change.
November 21st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
BPD may explain behaviors/actions, but it doesn’t justify it.
I doubt the PEW’s father would get any “help” anyway.
Also, if a BPD’s target seeks “help”, it actually tends to yield results the BPD person doesn’t want.
November 21st, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Amen, DW. I couldn’t have said it better, myself.
I have nothing but sympathy for people who have issues that were caused by factors other than themselves. Childhood abuse (among other things) is a horrible tragedy, and I do believe people who suffer from its aftermath deserve help and understanding.
HOWEVER, my sympathy STOPS at the point where the former victim begins to perpetuate a cycle, using their own history of abuse as an excuse to abuse others. Everyone has a right to their own feelings, but that right STOPS when it starts to hurt others. No excuses. We all have the ability and responsibility to decide what kind of a person we want to be, and how we want our lives to turn out. Often it is as simple as asking yourself “Do I want to help and be kind to others, or do I want to be cruel and hurt others?” Make the wrong choice, and I will have NO sympathy.
I think my own BPD PEW is finally starting to figure this out. She always tries to play the sympathy game, but over the last couple of years I’ve wised up. We went back to Court last week because she thought she could do whatever she wanted to do, that she could ignore the court’s rulings and ignore the terms of our agreements, and that she could just spin a sob story to the judge and everyone would take sympathy on her and forgive her. WRONG. The judge (very nicely and politely) threatened to hold her in contempt and throw her IN JAIL, and to formally take her kids away from her if she doesn’t shape up IMMEDIATELY. Suddenly, she’s much more cooperative.
My experience has taught me that the absolute WORST thing you can do for a BPD is to sympathize with them, try to “help” them, or to make allowances for their “condition.” All it does is play into their condition and reassure them that they are doing the right thing and that their life has been so hard that they have a right to “special treatment.” It’s what BPD’s FEED ON. Instead you have to play hardball and FORCE THEM to recognize that the rest of the world WON’T make allowances for them, and that they need to play by the same rules as anyone else. It’s really the only way.
November 21st, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Exellent post DW! It is so hard to raise kids these days, just with the influence of media and their friends’ parents’ philosophy that it is always someone else’s fault, there is always an excuse, and taking responsibility is the last thing you do. Throw on top of that having a BPD parent who actually models this same behavior, and we are now left with an incredibly uphill battle to even get them to comprehend what responsibility is.
Thunderstrike78’s last paragraph is right on - and personally I would like to see all parents start taking this stance, not just those with a BPD child. I think there are a lot of young adults/teenagers out there right now that have very similar behaviors to someone suffering from BPD, but in fact do not suffer from it - they have just been conditioned that it is acceptable to act that way. Which of course is quite scary for all of us dealing with a BPD ex-spouse, because if society starts looking a lot more like them than us, we won’t have any recourse at all - we will be the demanding, unsympathetic, controlling people the BPD has accused us of being and they will receive their “special treatment”. Makes me sick just thinking about it.
November 21st, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Exactly on! My hsuband’s ex uBPD has an illness, we both accept that. What neither one of us accept is the damage she has done, and continues to try to do to the children, and ultimately, my husband.
November 21st, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Dealing with my BPD PEW I try to stay away from concepts like responsibility, accountability, and blame. She doesn’t live up to her responsibilities — so what who is gonna hold her accountable — me, the courts — what a joke. It is her fault/she is to blame — who cares — who is keeping score — her, the courts — what a joke.
Post divorce and custody battle this is my coping mechanism….let all that go and focus on one thing — what is she going to do and what can I do minimize any damage to my current relationship and the kids. Sometimes I can mitigate the damage a lot, sometimes I can’t do much at all. Whether she can or can not control her behaviors, whether she can or can not realize she is wrong, whether she can or can not make a decision to act responsibly is irrelevant cause she doesn’t — this is why lots of therapists don’t deal with BPD — it is wasted energy.
I can’t make her be happy
I can’t make her act responsibly
I can’t make her be a less abusive mother
I can’t make her act in the kids best interest
I can’t make her be a cooperative coparent
OK so no point worrying about any of these….just focus on the kids, helping them cope, giving them stable consistent love, showing them a healthy relationship.
This is my strategy for coping anyways…doesn’t mean I accept anything she has done as OK, doesn’t mean I forgive her, I just don’t think of these things and I focus on my job…. cause they have a BPD for a mother and they need an olympic caliber father to minimize her damage. I train 24×7.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:03 pm
“HOWEVER, my sympathy STOPS at the point where the former victim begins to perpetuate a cycle, using their own history of abuse as an excuse to abuse others. Everyone has a right to their own feelings, but that right STOPS when it starts to hurt others. No excuses. We all have the ability and responsibility to decide what kind of a person we want to be… Make the wrong choice, and I will have NO sympathy.”
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, Thunderstrike. I think LM and DW call it ‘Terrorism.’ You can explain all sorts of actions, but it doesn’t excuse them. Therapists find that it’s the BPD patients (if they ever get to a therapist) who terrorize them, take out all the complaints etc., lawsuits when the therapist won’t play the game.
I think Schottsax has the right idea: you can tie yourself in knots trying to understand (and you probably did when you were married to her)–but at this point it’s damage limitation to yourself and partner–and concentrate on the kids!
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:22 pm
My mindset is similar to BEA’s…personal responsibility is woefully lacking in our world today, and too many people allow their issues to define who they are. Yes, childhood abuse is tragic and sad, but it’s still YOUR life and it’s still YOUR choice to get help and deal with it (or not.) In any case, it does not give you the excuse to then abuse others.
My husband’s brother was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as a teenager. Because he has so identified with this disorder, and has allowed it to hold such a position of importance in his life, it now defines who he is. At age 24, he considers himself so ‘disabled’ that he assumes he cannot hold a job or support himself (and he doesn’t.) Rather than looking for ways to work around the challenges his condition poses, he has instead allowed it to act as a roadblock to any sort of progress he should be making as a young adult.
Unfortunately, I believe a lot of that is true of people with other mental health disorders as well, including those with BPD.
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:55 am
Schottsax, you did a great job expressing my philosophy in dealing with my PEW. It doesn’t matter whether she has control of it or not. I have to deal with it either way. It is somewhat depressing knowing that I can never underestimate how selfish her behavior will be or how little regard she gives our children’s feelings.
In my quiet moments, I sometimes feel some sympathy. I would hate to have to spend a day inside her brain. Dealing with the stress of reconciling the differences between the real world and the world she lives in must be tremendously difficult.
I personally believe it is a choice - she chose not to act that way when we were dating, but after marriage, she could start letting the “real me” out. She knew I would never have married a psycho, so she didn’t act psycho. Saying “I Do” must have been a great relief to her.
Anyway, a future lifetime of dealing with her as a PEW is infinitly better than dealing with her as a PW. At least there are moments where I don’t have to inhabit her world.
November 23rd, 2008 at 4:07 pm
DW - I totally agree with you about the need for personal responsibility, and that everyone is responsible for their own actions. I think what maybe be missed is what I see as a difference between blame and responsibility.
For example: A four year old spills their milk because they filled it too close to the rim and then walked across the room with it. Do we blame them? Most likely not, because they are young and inexperienced, and they didn’t mean to spill the milk. Do we hold them responsible for the spilled milk? Yes. We would probably have them clean it up because, even though they didn’t do it on purpose (blame), it’s still their responsibility to clean up the mess.
I see that same difference in what the woman from Twitter said, as would many others in the mental health profession. BPD’s (and others with personality disorders) are reacting to the world based on a skewed perspescive and defense mechanisms born of mistreatment during key developmental times. They often don’t realize that things could be done differently with better result. Does this mean that they aren’t responsible for what they do, and the effect it has on those around them? No, absolutely not - but with compassion we are sometimes able to see that they are doing the best they can with the tools available to them.
That being said, I totally understand how difficult it is to maintain that kind of perspective when you’re “under attack”. It feels personal and it feels on purpose - but we are able to see what often seems obvious to us, while the BPD may not - which is the ultimate outcome of their actions.
I bet underneath all the nastiness, your PEW really just wants people to love her. While we all suffer from the actions of our BPD’s, I think they suffer the most. I truly believe that if they knew a better way, and were able to control themselves, they would do it.
Of, course, the next time our PEW goes off the wall I’ll be ranting and raving again - but right now I’m having a moment of clarity, so I figured I’d share. :o)
November 26th, 2008 at 12:05 am
You wanna know who to blame this crap on? Try Oprah and ALL her talk show cronies preaching their “it’s not me” philosophy these past MANY years. BPD may, indeed, be something clinically real, but this culture of “I’m not to blame” is a direct result of this talk show bullsh*t. EVERYONE’S an expert now, simply because they have an opinion. Failure in our society is not allowed…not even the slightest mistake is to be tolerated. Children are not allowed to get sick or hurt…parents are not allowed to discipline their children….teachers are not allowed to touch students in even the most innocently loving of ways. We have become a terrified, litigious, and irresponsible society. Are there not responsible people/parents in the world? Of course there are. But, as this blog proves time and time again, the sane, thoughtful and responsible are ignored in favor of the lying (possibly mentally) ill whiners at every turn.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 am
I hear ya everyone, and amen to what At Least She’s Ex said about how these women and men didn’t act like psychos when they were dating the nons. At the wedding reception (when marrying his PEW), my DH got the lovely comment from his PEW’s sister of, “She’s your problem now.” Nice. Boy was she right - though now the PEW is becoming her sis’s problem again, because from the way the kids talk, it sounds like she is one of very few people speaking to the PEW….but even the sis stays away for months at a time.
I feel especially sorry for the non, non-custodial dads out there whose kids are often being brainwashed by their psycho mothers, and all the while the psychos are making statements like, “I ALWAYS put my children and their feelings first!” and “The children are getting old enough to figure you out!” We heard both of those again over the Thanksgiving holiday. Barf.
I just keep wondering when DH’s PEW is going to fool another guy the way she fooled DH about 17 years ago. Not as easy to reel in a gullible guy when you are in your 40’s, I guess.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:47 pm
First of all, thank you so much for referring to me as “wonderful.” You are, of course, correct.
You may be surprised to learn that I am also in full agreement with you that persons diagnosed with borderline personality disorder are 100% responsible for their actions. I hope that I’ve never given anyone the idea that when those with BPD cause harm to others—physically, verbally, emotionally—that they should not experience any consequences for their behavior.
I certainly would never want to negate any nightmarish experiences with (former) loved ones. Living with someone who has BPD can be a roller coaster ride of confusion, emotions, stress, anger, disappointment, and abuse. Obviously, when someone is in denial that only compounds the problem.
FBPDA tries hard never to “side” with families or persons with BPD. We believe that any focus on blaming spouses, parents, clinicians, or the person with BPD is really a waste of everyone’s time and energy. Ex-spouses, etc. never asked for this burden but—for better or worse—they ARE responsible to helping to facilitate smart problem-solving. (At the same time, persons with BPD never asked for a severe mental illness but they also have a responsibility for getting appropriate help.)
There are things that you can do in helping to create a peaceful future. I can strongly recommend programs like National Education Alliance on BPD’s Family Connections course:
http://neabpd.org/family-connections.shtml
Family Connections is a psycho-education course just for families and it addresses the very same topics that PEW is so passionate about. Family members really can learn to be very effective in helping to decrease abusive behaviors—even when the person with BPD is in denial.
FBPDA may not agree with everything on thepsychoexwife.com but we really do have quite a bit of common ground.
Finally, thank you so much for educating others about BPD.
Amanda L. Smith
Florida Borderline Personality Disorder Association
http://www.fbpda.org
amanda.smith@fbpda.org
January 8th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I have a borderline ex (one of the relatively rare men with borderline) and I really don’t think people understand how awful life is with an untreated borderline partner.
I hold him to blame for his actions. He knew he was mentally ill and he never sought out treatment.
I wonder which is worse — a woman dating a borderline man, who’s stronger than her and likely to become physically abusive, or a man dating a borderline woman, who will spin wild tales about how he abused her?
March 15th, 2009 at 4:57 am
wow. all this time i thought i was the problem. yes the bpd pew is gone but woe are the children! just doing the best i can with the little time i have with them. hopefully she’ll slip up and the court will wake up and i can get custody. never seen a person transgress so much while simultaneously blaming their partner. complete insanity!
June 4th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Don’t have children if you can not raise them. We don’t know whether or not if ANY of us come with issues. That’s the gamble. Some one did get hurt so be kind. Educate the children on the illness and then help them cope to their ability. Accepting responsibility is hard for everyone, especially the person who going through something they have NO control over. They have no contriol over it and need honest, loving help. Family, new or blood, just need to man up if you love that person. Being fragile in any situation deems a level of understanding. Illness drains people and it is always an option to just abandon them but it isn’t always the better. I just feel the world is a bit too selfish now. I have put my life on hold several times to raise my brother during my parents divirce, live with an abusive man, take care of my dying father, and then I also happen to be a military spouse. I am now in therapy for anxiety and depression and a little focus on personality disorder. It’s genetics and it’s situational so think of it as you will, you normal folk, but it’s hard enough to see the sun without you all blocking it!