Appropriate Means of Contact With High-Conflict Personalities
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As this blog has laid out the harsh realities of my existence with the PEW (historical and current), we’ve provided examples of inappropriate contact and discussions. We’ve also provided examples of appropriate contact (and no-contact). The former was a historical perspective. The latter is a current perspective. While these methods are often discussed for interaction with an (ex)-partner suffering from borderline personality disorder, I strongly believe these to be effective for any high-conflict relationship that is ending or has ended.
You’ll often see me refer to tactics such as no-contact, low-contact, or “ultra-low” contact. Depending upon one’s specific circumstances, one or more may apply. The typical circumstances, such as if there are children involved (or not) or a workplace relationship, would be the most common when determining what is the appropriate method to use.
Many people in similar predicaments, not knowing what they are dealing until it’s too late, find themselves spinning their wheels over and over and over again. That was me. It’s especially likely when you’re embroiled with someone suffering from a personality disorder because the accusations, perceptions, and confrontations will leave you questioning your own sanity over the long-term. I would habitually and vigorously defend my position as if there was a shred of a chance that reason and logic, if explained, would take hold. It never did. I never stopped trying despite having a 0% success rate over the course of nearly a decade. I’ve given countless examples of these wasted efforts and even have two glaring posts: How to Appropriately Respond and How to Inappropriately Respond to emails for instance.
If you are ending a relationship with no children and no other circumstances tying the two of you together, true no-contact may be a realistic option. The emotional side of us, both men and women, oftentimes has an urge for the latest buzzword - “closure.” Realistically, sometimes the closure that is most appropriate is cutting off all contact. Too often, we want an explanation. We want to say our peace. We want the last word. We want an apology or to apologize. However, when it comes right down to it, the closure we truly need is to simply be done with it with a minimal amount of interaction. I’m a proponent of seeking therapy to regain your sense of self. Counseling can help you to do a post-mortem on the relationship. Discover the mistakes that you made during the course of the relationship with a goal of not repeating them again in the future. Be true to yourself. You need not hide behind your own caring personality to just “check-up” on the ex to “make sure they’re doing okay.” Further, you owe your ex no explanation of how you’re doing if and when that email comes, under the guise of their sudden care. Remaining in contact for any reason only fans the dimming embers of a fire that, for all intents and purposes, should be left to burn out. Email addresses should be blocked and deleted. Phone numbers should be blocked and deleted. Any means of contact with an ex-partner should be mitigated or eliminated entirely. It’s time to move on.
When there are children involved and a custody arrangement of any sort - you cannot truly go no-contact. One must fall back to low-contact.
In my specific case, this means limiting contact. Due to our court order and my experiences with PEW’s excessive litigation - my boundary has been that I will only discuss matters pertaining to the children and only if these matters are of importance. I won’t engage in idle chit-chat about the children. The high-conflict nature of our interactions prevents any non-essential contact. Her borderline personality and my past failures in appropriately handling situations means engaging in any more communication other than the bare minimum leaves me susceptible to further rages or doing/saying something that will be twisted and somehow used against me. You’ve seen this in the countless examples I’ve posted. On the rare occasions where we are attending something at the same time involving the children, we stay clear of one another and greetings are a courtesy and friendly “hello.”
Sadly and smartly, you must treat every contact you have with your high-conflict, and probably overly litigious ex-partner with the mindset that “anything you say/write can and will be used against you in court.” How to accomplish this?
- Avoid being defensive at all costs.
- Avoid escalating the situation by arguing and explaining.
- Avoid the engagement. I often refer to arguing with a borderline as giving them the drug that they need. It’s as addictive as heroin. The moment that they knock you off of your game and get you caught up in the chaos, they’ve gotten their fix.
- Anything you put in writing should be short and to the point. No wasted words. A BPD will often go on these long-winded diatribes, full of expletives and offensive remarks sprinkled amongst information to which you should respond. Ignore the rage and address the issues which meet your criteria as if nothing else existed in the communication.
- Bulleted points, in my experience, are the best way to “trim the fat” off your response. Professional, courteous, almost machine-like is the order of the day. If a question requires a yes or no answer, answer yes or no - without explanation. For example, “Can you drop the children off a day early so that we can go visit my parents?” Answer: “No.” Avoid the urge to explain why. They’re not entitled to an explanation despite your desire to explain yourself.
- Phone contact should be avoided except in cases of emergency. Normal phone calls to the children should be answered by the children. The children can hang up the phone at the end of the call. That phone call is for them, even if it’s difficult for you, and should be treated as such. It eliminates the ex’s ability to engage you.
- All email communication should be saved. When you send an email, always copy it to yourself and file it. You never know when you may need these later to prove or disprove something.
- Should phone contact occur, either by requirement or by “accident” - nothing is more empowering that hanging up on the ex-partner if they violate the boundaries you have set. It’s not meant to be used as a weapon. It’s not meant to be used in an effort to be rude. It’s for your protection and your self-preservation. In my specific case, my rules are simple and have been communicated. If she uses foul language or her volume escalates - I will hang up the phone. If she tries to go on a tangent and speak to something not germane to the issue at hand, I will hang up the phone. I’ve done it. It works. In the early days, I sometimes had to do this several times in a row. Ultimately, she will talk to me nicely or we will not speak.
- Important: Any satisfaction you believe you will get from letting him/her “have it with both barrels” is short-lived. Trust me on this, I know. It ends the moment she comes back to you with a bigger, more vicious email, and you realize that you’ve succeeding to do nothing more than feed the beast! Avoid injecting emotion into your reply. Be factual in the fewest words possible.
These are just a few of several ways in which I handle my own personal situation. Those I know who have used these (and other) methods have seen similar success. The main objective of no-contact is to limit the invasion of the ex-partner into your daily lives. They will try. Without question, they will try. They will escalate their efforts to try to get the drug that they need - you to pay them attention, even if it’s negative. I’ve offered several examples where the PEW just sends email after email after email, even when I haven’t responded, sometimes over the course of minutes. When you lose control, get defensive, and start explaining, you’ve accepted them as your partner in the “Dance of Dysfunction.” Avoid it.
The following excerpt is from an article at the BPDFamily website, Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist Please be advised - in my opinion, the no-contact methods discussed are good in situations beyond just dealing with a personality disorder. I believe these methods are helpful in any high-conflict divorce situation. The article provides a lot more detail and is worth the read.
The key elements of “No Contact” are
~ to get the partner out of your day-to-day life,
~ to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,
~ to take them out of your vision of the future,
~ to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and
~ to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.
These are the simple objectives of “No Contact”. You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this -at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.
Check this out: The Top 10 Commandments of Low-Contact with High-Conflict Personalities
February 19th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Excellent post.
February 20th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
“Important: Any satisfaction you believe you will get from letting him/her “have it with both barrels” is short-lived.”
Oh boy, has that been my biggest hurdle. I WANT her to have it with both barrels. She’s wreaked such havoc with the people I love.
But over time, I have realized that letting her have it just escalates the situation. She does, indeed, every time, come back with something more venomous than the last. It’s unbearable sometimes.
Thanks for posting this. It’s important and timely for many of us out there in the blogosphere dealing with insanity right this minute.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so much of it that you devised this plan, but it will provide an immense benefit to many!
February 20th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Truth be told, reading your blog and Mrs. H’s is what prompted this post. That’s why it’s timely.
I could clearly see the frustration in dealing with your specific situations and I can only hope this helped.
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:50 am
My husband and I truly appreciate the suggestions in this post. Thank you for giving us great advice. Great post! Will be referring to it often.-Stepmama Drama
October 21st, 2008 at 7:32 am
[...] we’re having contact because it’s an important matter pertaining to the children. Yes, it will get somewhat ugly. The contact [...]
October 24th, 2008 at 9:20 am
[...] cut all contact with her and block her e-mails. I call this “No Contact”. We have already tried “Low Contact”. Then to complicate everything even more she married a really strange ADD lawyer that acts just [...]
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:26 am
We (Darling partner and I) deal with a PEG (Psycho ex GF) who has narcissistic personality disorder.(Like you, diagnosed by me, the untrained, armchair expert)
The minimal contact approach is appropriate here as it limits an NPD sufferers need to control. It also minimises the habit of confabulation and truth twisting that goes on.
Excellent site.
I wish I had found this earlier.
February 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 am
[...] I’ve seen it before. It’s a surprise email that offers no details. As I maintain my low-contact and focus solely on the children - that is - not asking for details about her alleged illness, she [...]
February 16th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Please help what do I do. Ok I have stopped sending emails. But the way she was getting me to send emails is by hurting my children. Not getting homework done , not taking them to dr., Not helping on schoolwork. Dos not pay for anything the kidneed atc.
February 16th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
I love this site. Often times there are no step by step guidelines dealing with crazy ex-s. Reading these posts, it makes me feel like it is possible to manage life keeping the crazies at bay by practicing simple, sound behaviors.
It also helps me to examine my own motives, and discover the things my bf’s ex does trying to undermine us. The posts on this site help me keep myself in a solid, balanced spot.
To me it’s amazing that so many 1st wives (and husbands) are acting out of control and so many times making peoples life hell. These women just cannot move on with their lives. They want to be “happy” by punishing those who “abandoned” them. These women are crying little psycho girls inside, reliving their dad’s abandonment in every person they get close to.
I am not speaking out of heartlessness. Many of us have left relationships behind or been left by someone. It sucks. It hurts. But by clinging to that person and trying to punish them through their children is absolutely nuts. These women cannot look outside themselves.
February 17th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Great post.
I was raised to be a very polite person, and abruptly hanging up the phone on somebody is just not in my personal makeup.
I still remember the day when I grew the balls to hang up on her when the yelling started. “Empowering” is the word, all right.
I am going to go out on a limb and plug a product because I think it relates to this post — VoicePulse VOIP phone service. The privacy and recording features of this services are the best I’ve found.
– There is a unique ring when she calls so daughter knows to pick it up.
– I can send her directly to voicemail after the court-ordered “No calls after” time arrives.
– Psychotic voicemail messages are emailed directly to my address as an attachment.
– I can send her directly to voicemail if she blocks her number.
This service has really helped my family protect ourselves and our privacy, while still permitting contact between daughter and Mom.
February 23rd, 2009 at 7:47 am
[...] in reply to our continued “NO CONTACT” on the subject, she started her own blog. She has not continued with it. However, not before I [...]
March 12th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
[...] the years prior to discovering low-contact methods, I played a significant role in the escalation of these discussions. In the years since, by [...]
March 30th, 2009 at 3:33 am
[...] Thank you - and keep writing! Your blog has been a huge help to my husband and I. Especially the low/no contact. [...]
April 1st, 2009 at 11:04 am
[...] post will also show that despite my efforts to keep the custody order tight and loophole-free - a high-conflict ex-spouse will find new and exciting ways to interpret the order differently. So, consider this also a lesson [...]
April 15th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
[...] Oooh! Another out-of-left-field drug abuse reference! Continuing from more of the pre-low-contact days… [...]
May 14th, 2009 at 10:17 am
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER MOTHER
I have just come across your site. I am a 42 year old mother of one lovely 7 year old boy child. Since his birth and my learning to mother myself, I have begun to realise that my mother does not have the normal mother-child responses to most situations. She doesnt seem to have the capacity to love, connect or really understand relationships. She cant handle conflict, critisism, relationship stress. There are many things I could list, including an eating disorder, sexual inappropriateness from time to time, emotionally vacuous, etc. My mother is in her mid 60’s. Recently I have armchair diagnosed my mother as being BPD, which has subsequently been (unofficially) confirmed by more than one psychologist who I approached for advice. I say unofficially because she will not meet with one - there is “nothing wrong” with her, she “doesnt need it”
I have been the textbook ‘baddie’ in this relationship, with her living vicariously through me for years, always taking anything I do well as being a reflection on how good she is as a mother; while my younger brother has been the angel since birth. He moved away to Europe the moment he finished school.
I have been trying to take a step away from my mother, who is very controlling and difficult at the best of times, but has become increasingly unconscious of her effect on me and my family, and her irrational correspondence and the anxiety and anger it creates in me is beginning to damage my health. I am starting to suffer from breathing problems. I have not read anything about this on any website. Does anyone out there know whether this is usual and common? I have repeatedly told her recently that I will not be able to contact her as much as I have been over the last few years since I need some ‘me time’ to sort out business and personal matters. The response has been very alarming!
She is angry, vengeful and sends the most awful emails. She turns everything around and now has a story in her head that I have told her she is not to contact me. Not sure at all where that comes from, but it is so not what I said! I have not been able to bring myself to call her since she has escalated her madness. I am really to afraid, to be honest. For some reason, she refuses to call me. Instead, somehow, I get the impression she is trying to win a game with me, somehow needing to manipulate me into calling her instead, so she has ‘won’. Is that normal in a BDP? I dont really get any of this stuff, it is like dealing with a young child. In the beginning she tries various ways in which to manipulate me into calling her, whilst refusing to pick up the phone. She has tried anger, belittling, offensive comments. And now uses every occassion when I dont contact her telephonically according to her expectations - like Mothers day. I only sent an sms - as another excuse to heap further insults and victim-mentality anger at me.
I am amazed it has never come to this before.
I think I have always towed the line with her, but now that I am putting up boundaries to preserve my own sanity, it seems like hers slips further and further away. Also, is it a possibility that her late husband (almost clearly a narcisist) was a foil for her emotional wrangles so I wasnt so necessary? After he died, I had to step into the void and increase the amount of contact to almost unbearable frequency. I feel now that I need a bit of a break from her. She is exhausting.
It is a disturbing discovery, and I am struggeling with the concept of the futility of arguing and putting my case across, when all I ask for is time, and the response is almost hateful. And you just cant seem to make her understand! You just cant win. Whatever you say is twisted around, and she is ok, but the rest of the world is all out of synch. I feel like I am goind mad! Is there anyone out there that could help by telling me how to reduce contact with BPD mothers? And how to deal with the impotent anger at not being understood, dismissed, invalidated and all the other nasties us adult children have dealt with for many years?
Perhaps to know I am not mad would help
June 4th, 2009 at 3:18 am
[...] restrain myself from firing off a nuclear email bomb. It’s also a true test of staying the course of low-contact. [...]
July 9th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
I liked your article, it is very befitting of a wife dealing with a Narcissist soon to be ex husband. I only wish you would use the abbreviation PE, instead of PEW. It seems you are gender biased when you write that. It’s not just women who suffer from personality disorders.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Perhaps you should read the rest of the site. If I spent the time every single article/post to make sure I specifically include/exclude gender-specific references, I’d get nothing done.
This site is clearly meant to help people no matter the gender of their psycho ex and much of the content details my specific experiences with a psycho ex-wife.
It’s actually much easier for the reader to replace the “W” with an “H” (or GF/BF) than it is for me to write everyone into (or out of) a particular post.
August 10th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I have a psycho ex who I’m sure has NPD (several therapists have suggested it.. but he won’t stay in therapy long enough to be diagnosed)
Anyway - HUGE HELP (and not sure if it’s mentioned elsewhere on the site) is to remember - never JADE Justify Argue Defend or Explain.
We were also ordered to communicate only through OurFamilyWizard.com. This website is a lifesaver…… and can be accessed by a judge or evaluator if necessary. I LOVE IT. It has eliminated so much stress in my life.
December 10th, 2009 at 11:03 am
[...] BM has plenty of ammo without me loading the gun for her. MisterM at The Psycho Ex Wife has great Low-Contact Guidelines for dealing with high-conflict Ex’s. Check it out. I need to revisit it [...]
January 26th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
If i am a step parent experiencing this with an ex wife, In a so called co parenting situation gone bad , really its a abuse of the word . What can we do to stop x from using this limited contact in court , claiming that our limited contact Is not condusive to the co parenting aggrement and we are ignoring her requests , really they amount and nonsense is maddening! constantly used as tit for tat , IE you wony answer my questions ,so i wont allow a vacation until i get my answers, Or your ignoring me that makes my husband a bad father ! Kids get asked about my state of mind or am i treating them badly , her not knowing everydetail or us not agreeing to her whims , is making her go nuts and abuse verbally my husband , Any suggestions
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:41 pm
[...] This is low-contact. It’s not about changing the psycho ex-wife’s or psycho ex-husband’s behavior. It’s about changing how you react and respond. I replied clearly and concisely. She went off the deep-end (again). I had a great day at work and it remained stress-free due to low-contact. I read the balance, saw the increasing hostility, and put them away. Like a misbehaving, petulant child, she will not be rewarded until she can talk using her grown up voice… until she can play nice-nice. [...]
April 9th, 2010 at 12:00 am
[...] you need to avoid approaching a high-conflict ex-spouse for alterations to custody orders. Low-contact is the way to go when dealing with high-conflict personalities. In this case, it was unavoidable. This training was [...]
July 22nd, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Great web site and advice. I’ve been through exactly the same kind of BS will the mother of my child. Last year I had to fend off false sexual abuse allegations. Thank fully that line of attack was fended off after local and family court hearings. She almost lost custody of our daughter but I has too much of a softy. 4 months after resolution in the family court, things are going remarkably well. I suspect she has either BPD or NPD. Its hard to tell as drugs are an issue as well. Hopefully the peace lasts, but you never can tell with a person who has ‘personality difficulties’.