A New Call for Help from the Psycho Ex-Wife
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It would appear that the nasty snowball is beginning to pick up speed as it rolls down the hill. Let’s hope, for us and the children, we suffer only a glancing blow…
This morning, I am rousted from la-la land by the tell-tale buzzing coming from the cellphone which I have again - failed to turn off before going to bed.
When I finally manage to drag my ass downstairs, there is one voice mail and one text message. It’s PEW. The voice mail lets me know that she has a “huge favor to ask” of me and could I “PLEASE call back.” The text message: “Can we talk?”
Today, I decide I will call during lunch time. It’s probably something to do with the home foreclosure notice. I chat it over with DW and agree that if it’s not an urgent matter pertaining to the children (in keeping with low-contact methodology) - the call is over. Of course, I am calling which is outside my rule of “written communication only” - which only means I’ll have a much quicker trigger-finger on the hang-up. Still, I have to know.
She calls me at lunch from work. She almost immediately launches into tears and is sobbing on the phone. She has called to ask me for a loan, which, in and of itself is morbidly comical given her shot credit (nevermind that she’s asking me).
It seems that her auto lease is up in one week. So, in keeping with her mindless financial ignorance and irresponsibility, she expected to walk right in, turn this car in and get another one! No muss, no fuss! Well, that’s not quite how things turned out. She walked into the dealership so full of her usual false confidence and they told her, NO WAY! This is telling because, it wasn’t “your credit is not the best, the terms are going to be different” or “you’ve never missed a payment with us, so all is good, we’ll just need a bigger security deposit” or anything like that. It was a flat-out “NO - we’re not giving you a car. Sorry. We’ll see you next week when it’s time to turn yours in!”
She asked me to loan her $1,000 to purchase a car which she would “pay me back very quickly.” Are you kidding me? She “knows someone” who has a car that she can get for $2,000 and she might be able to only come up with $1,000. This means she will make another knee-jerk decision on a car that is probably a complete piece-of-shit, if not a danger to the children… that is, assuming she can get one at all. This is just great. Now the kids are “looking forward” to having no home and no car. Worse than that, if she can’t get a loan, keep a home, and has been turned down for a car, how in the hell is she going to be able to secure a safe, appropriate-for-the-kids apartment?!?!
I remember all too well the days approaching the sale of the marital home… the steep child support figure… and running a budget only to find out what I could (couldn’t, actually) afford in terms of a place to live. I was unhappy with every single option available to me - mostly because they weren’t in very good neighborhoods and the school systems weren’t up to my satisfaction. And what I could get for about $1,000/month during the real estate boom was minimalist at best.
She sobbed telling me that she can’t borrow any more money from her family as she’s already borrowed something in excess of $20,000. Her siblings aren’t an option. I explained to her very succinctly that I am not an option and wouldn’t, even if I could… I’ve already paid her $40,000+ over the last 4-years for which she has nothing to show. She got $65,000 from the forced sale of the marital home. She took out a 2nd-mortgage to the tune of $51,000. She told me years ago her credit cards were at or near max to the tune of $32,000 conservatively. She earned through her work $140,000 conservatively in the last 4-years. I paid short-term spousal support early on in this debacle to the tune of approximately $2,500. She cashed out her 401K a while back which was conservatively $20,000.
She has spent of her own and other people’s money roughly $370,000 over the course of 4-years and has absolutely nothing to show for it, except her house which is going to be taken away from her. I mean, she only put $10,000 down on the house and nothing down on her car lease, where did all that money go?!?!?!
Adding to the head-spinning is the fact that in the last few weeks she has:
- Gone on vacation for 10-days with the boys.
- Gone out to the movies and to lunch with her sister.
- Took the children to a live WWE Wrestling Event, with 8th-row seats, 2-nights ago.
Small potatoes in the grand scheme, but her unmitigated gall never fails to amaze… and know that this is not because we’re the picture of financial perfection - but we’re plodding along with our focus on continuing to right our own ship in the aftermath of all this messiness. That means - no “real” vacation in the last 3-years among many other sacrifices to keep from being exactly where PEW is right now.
The conversation ended with her saying, “Well, at least it was worth a try. Thanks for listening.”
I hung up without reply. I’m worrying more and more each day wondering how this is going to impact the kids… knowing I have to wait for a complete collapse before being in a position to do anything about any of this… and there will still be no guarantee that things will turn in my favor or the children’s favor in the aftermath of that collapse.
What a mess.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I think that this is in a sad way a good thing for your case — if it goes to show that she is an inept parent for not having the stability and common sense required to raise the kids. But I would also be wary of her using this to try to get more support $ from you because she’s broke and destitute…
Don’t know how things work where you are, but ’round these parts, the higher earner, even with 50/50 split can end up forking over to the lower earner to “maintain the same standard of living for the kids”.
Keeping fingers crossed.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I love your PEW. She is an endless source of entertainment for me.
But for you, AND ESPECIALLY THE BOYS, this is just terrible.
I can imagine you are worried sick that the boys will be living who knows where because she screwed it all up, as expected.
Sending good vibes to help you through this tough time. Keep making the good choices MM.
July 25th, 2008 at 2:39 am
Yes, it is a horribly worrisome thing.
I have so been there. So been there. Right now, my ex lives in less than stellar conditions–but my kids are there less than half of the time.
In state 1, at least in my trial for custody, accomodations for the children were a high priority. In fact, we had to take pictures of our homes to show the court that we could provide a suitable living place for the kids.
Several things–firstly…at least they are with you for 50/50.
Secondly–a call to CYS is in order once the bottom drops out.
Thirdly–tell her, you can’t give her a loan, BUT you CAN agree to take the kids more time–thereby allowing her less expenses and a chance to get herself back to gether financially.
This is hard, and scary…especially when you love your children and want the best for them.
Hang on and ride it out–I do believe that this might be the very thing which allows you total custody of your children.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
I can see why you’re worried. It never ceases to amaze me that family court doesn’t see something that is so glaringly apparent to everyone else.
I agree with vamomma, offer to take the kids more so that she has the chance to get herself back together financially.
If you’re in a state where this is legal, I would record all of your phone calls with her as well.
July 26th, 2008 at 5:19 am
I hope this all works out for the kids.
July 26th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
When my husband’s PEW got herself into serious financial problems, rather than getting a second job (which is what you or I would have done) she simply ramped up the PAS of my then 15-yr old stepson.
Sure enough, within 6 months, stepson was severely acting out when with us and was declaring that he no longer wanted to be a part of ‘this’ family. He demanded that husband allow his PEW to have full custody (it has been 50/50 for over ten yrs until then) thus increasing her child support by about $600 per month.
PEW, of course, promised my stepson all kinds of lovely things that she would then be able to ‘afford’ to buy him once their plot was successful. It made no difference that husband warned him that once this change was accomplished, the things that PEW had promised him would never materialize. (And they didn’t, and guess who called requesting MONEY just the other day?)
I’m glad that your children are younger, and less likely to be swayed by the empty promises of material possessions. And I completely agree with vamomma…simply offer to ease her financial burden by keeping your children with you more often or for longer periods of time. This may wind up being just what you need in order to get full custody one day.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
wow, and I thought my boyfriend was the only one with a PEW like that! I’m so glad I found this blog!
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
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November 20th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I had to respond to this. I know I am late weighing in as I have only recently discovered your fabulous blog and I am slowly working my way through all of your posts.
This one made me laugh out loud at my desk. “Why?” you might be asking. Because BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!
My DH’s exwife runs a daycare out of her home. Current daycare law and municipal by-laws say she is allowed to have 5 children in her care at any one time, not including her own children. A few years back she had someone working for her who, in her fabulously wonderful BPD way, pissed off. The employee reported her for having 18, yes EIGHTTEEN, children in her care. Authorities came out and told her to take it down to 5 or they would shut her down.
This was about 3 years post separation and well after the divorce was final. She told DH (who was then just BF) the situation and said “we will have to cut our spending”. His response “we? I have nothing to do with this.” She said something along the lines of “we both know you aren’t paying the amount of support you are supposed to be paying”. Girls are with us 50% of the time. He pays her $187 less per month in child support than our federal guidelines say he should be paying IF she had the kids full time. He makes less than her. In reality, SHE should be paying HIM. She let that drop when he laughed at her (still brings it up from time to time though).
Fast forward. She now owns 2 houses which she can’t afford, rents one out when she can get tenants. Moved into house 2 and bought new furniture for her and the girls, new bedding, new drapes, goes shopping for clothes every weekend, has money to go out drinking and partying with her friends. She is on the verge of declaring personal bankruptcy because in addition to the mortgages she has $65K in consumer debt. Her solution, we need to start giving her more money because we have “tons of money”. We can barely make our bills and have enough debt of our own. She came bawling to DH when her boyfriend moved out, cries to him about her financial situation. Why on earth does she think we would help her? She is a vicious, awful woman who calls me the “evil stepmother” and a “fucking whore” and he is a “dead beat dad” and an asshole and lots of other fabulous names. She actively tries to alienate the girls from us. She leaves vile messages on my home telephone (I had to block her number), she calls my daughter a “bad seed” and makes up stories about what an awful man my husband was which she shares with thier mutual friends and even tried to tell to me. They have been divorced/separated since 2002, which she asked for so she could move her new boyfriend into the marital home.
But yeah . . . why wouldn’t we want to help her?
November 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
It’s all about them, Bea! We know the answer to that one!