The Psycho Ex Wife

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I’ve made reference to this incident several times in related blog posts.  This one will lay out our direct discussion about the events of the hearing on June 30th, 2006.  On that fateful day, I made a huge mistake that has not been repeated since.  I had the kids for a couple of weeks and PEW had asked me specifically if she could see the boys the day of the hearing at the courthouse.  It made sense (on the surface) because my mother would be taking care of all 4 kids during the day and she could just meet us there as a few of her plans were to be done in the vicinity of the courthouse or visiting some old friends who worked nearby.

The usual points of interest are here… her contradictions, her fabrications, her condemnation of something that she had previously done (and the children actually did spend the entire day at the courthouse)… but worse, was her deliberate attempt to engage my mother in a confrontation in a crowded courthouse lobby.  This was particularly sad because my mother is a “stay out of it” person when it comes to my drama, primarily at my stern request.  Rather than be dismissive and more importantly, because she truly cared and wished to convey her sympathies - it was her inquiry about PEW’s grandmother’s recent death that prompted PEW to act out like the impulsive mental child that she is.

Preceding the hearing and still trying to parlay my settling at the child support conference into a possible settlement on the child custody issue - I get this email the day before the hearing…

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…gets you nowhere. It doesn’t even get you peace-of-mind after a while.  There have been times where things relevant to child custody or child support are often pushed towards settlement. After all, when it comes to child custody and sometimes even child support, it’s always advisable to avoid the time and expense of court whenever possible. You try to settle a child custody or child support matter for various reasons:

• They’re very expensive processes.
• You don’t want the court to decide such serious matters.
• You want to take the “high road” and do something to steer towards resolution.
• You’re just tired of the “fight.”
• Lots of other justifiable reasons…

I’ve done that several times, mostly back in the early days, when sometimes something “just seemed like the right thing to do” and a misguided hope that some form of olive branch extending would perhaps lead things down a path of a little more reasonableness.  In a high-conflict divorce situation involving either or both child custody or child support - that never happens.  Sure, you may get a short-lived disingenuous “thanks” or some other meaningless gesture.  However, the reality is, the high-conflict psycho ex really only counts that as their latest “win” and it’s on to the next mindless terrorist act.

Back in the summer of 2006, there was much debate over childcare costs (which PEW often lies about and leverages for extra income) and I’m not even sure why it took approximately 9-months to get this to hearing.  In this particular instance, rather than go to court and spend $2,000 - $3,000 in legal fees and other expenses to earn back credits somewhere in that amount, I just said, “Fuck it… let’s forget about it and move on, perhaps start down a path towards a little more cooperation.” I wouldn’t look for miracles.  Just a little positive karmic payback for “taking the high road.”  I’ve long ago learned why that doesn’t work.  Not ever.

In the following situation, I just was happy enough to have the appropriate adjustments made to the child support number and, allegedly accurate figures used for future childcare costs.  In exchange for this positivity, I waived several thousand dollars in credits due me simply because it wasn’t worth it to go back to court.  You know, I do things like that because it’s all about the money for me, right?  (Concurrently, we were also still going through the custody crapola.)

In the aftermath of the conference, I get an email from PEW…

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Step 1: Receive email from PEW that is important and relevant to the child/children. (7:48AM)

LM,

Will you please drop off the consent to Dr. Orthodontist’s office please?

~PEW

Step 2: In keeping with low-contact, acknowledge request appropriately. End.

PEW,

I expect to do so tomorrow.

~LM

Step 3: Receive typical, delusional, provocative email that over-exaggerates the child’s dental appearance and effectively denigrates how he looks. “Great job, Mom.”  (3:46PM)

LM,

Thanks to you S1 gets to start out middle school with a huge gap between his teeth…..great job Dad

~PEW

Step 4: If ignore, return to Step 2. If doubt, please review low-contact posts, then proceed to Step 5.

Step 5: Receive another contact. (3:15PM)

LM,

Appointments that are available …this friday at 4:30 or Sat 4/10 at 9am to get things started….those are the two soonest appts and he’s with you both days….what do you want to do?

~PEW

Step 6: At work. Ignore notification until appropriate read and response can be sent. If doubt, return to Step 2. If no doubt, proceed to Step 7.

Step 7: Receive another communication with scary deadline words. (3:48PM)

LM,

I can take him on friday if you can’t….but [Receptionist] (at Dr. Orthodontist’s office) said if she doesn’t hear from you by tomorrow S1 can’t come

~PEW

Step 8: If still at work, return to Step 6. If asked and answered, continue.

Step 9: Receive another bizarre escalation email with false accusation and court threats. (7:04PM)

LM,

I personally don’t want to go to Dr. Orthodontist…because the letter you sent them made us sound like freaks….but he’s 2000 cheaper than everyone else so it’s kind of a “no brainer”….but thanks..again for the amunition for court…it’s all good

~PEW

Step 10: If ignore, return to Step 2. Hell, let’s be honest - it’s full ignore, go to step 2 or proceed because you couldn’t care less about her mindless rants. It doesn’t really matter either way.

Step 11: Receive another contact with a dramatic increase in hostility, containing her usual mastery of the foul language.

LM,

if you dont drop off the consent….we will lose the Appointments…you got that right? we’ve already lost a year….I fricken need to know if you CAN DO the appts cause if you cant we’re into May on my weeks???? Answer the emails asshole!!!!

~PEW

Step 12. If ignore, return to step 2. If asked and answered, return to step 2 or continue. Just don’t respond because the question has been answered. Not to mention, she’s being her usual vulgar self and therefore is not entitled to a response from any self-respecting human being.

Step 13: Wonder, briefly, when her reign of chaos and terror will end. File the 12 total emails received between 7AM and 8PM today (other “stream of unconsciousness” unrelated to the matter described above). Recognize successful acknowledgment of the important issue pertaining to the children.

12 total emails. 1 deserving of response. Others might have warranted a response until she became a filthy, vile, vulgar, threatening, and offensive verbal thug. You know how huge those email muscles can be.

This is low-contact. It’s not about changing the psycho ex-wife’s or psycho ex-husband’s behavior. It’s about changing how you react and respond. I replied clearly and concisely.  She went off the deep-end (again).  I had a great day at work and it remained stress-free due to low-contact.  I read the balance, saw the increasing hostility, and put them away.  Like a misbehaving, petulant child, she will not be rewarded until she can talk using her grown up voice… until she can play nice-nice.

See also: 10 Commandments of Low-Contact With High-Conflict Personalities.

Let’s be careful out there.

Recently retired: “Making Crazy… Every Second at a Time” in favor of something new…

The Psycho Ex-Wife:  Your Crazy is Showing!

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The Original: “Would You Like Some Rabbit With That?”

#2: “I’m Not Happy Until You’re Not Happy”

#3: “Putting the ‘F-U’ in Dysfunctional”

#4:  “Making Crazy… Every Second at a Time”

On or about March 16th, 2006, I had gotten a phone call from PEW. S1 was misbehaving and back-talking PEW because she didn’t give him a taffy as a snack. He said some very rude things and, despite what most readers already realize regarding the abusive behavior of PEW’s entire family toward one another, the blame can only be laid at one person’s feet. If you guessed mine - well, give yourself a taffy.

What was most alarming about this crazy phone call (and subsequent crazy emails) was PEW’s suggestion regarding how to deal with the situation. She suggested that I take full custody of S1 and she would retain full custody of S2. More of the same “I can’t handle the kids” stuff. While we know that she would never follow-through on such a plan, that she dared suggest it, on the phone, and in front of the children - knocked me for a loop. PEW’s parenting plan is to bail-out when the going gets tough.  See:

1. PEW Can’t Stand to Be Around the Children
2. You Should Have Custody of Them
3. PEW Can’t Handle the Kids - Wants to Settle (Not)

Though I had long previous refused to do any regular discipline over the phone, on this occasion I did opt to speak at length with S1 regarding the entire situation and how unacceptable his back-talk to PEW was, particularly when he clearly realized he was completely wrong.

After the entire debacle concluded, I sent an email to PEW:

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