The Psycho Ex Wife

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If you thought the stories about phone call interference ended, mercifully, with the Phone Call Series: Lies, Manipulation, Custodial Interference, Parental Alienation, you were horribly mistaken.  At least today we’ll call it what it is - maternal gatekeeping.  Maternal gatekeeping is often brought up in the context of normal marriages and is a situation where a mother is subtly sabotaging the interrelationship between the father and the children by interfering in their participation in normal parental activities.  Those who don’t believe in maternal gatekeeping will simply argue that craptastic husbands are lazy sloths who choose not to do work around the house, particularly when it comes to babies and children.  The most vociferous of those are likely the maternal gatekeeping mothers who just don’t like the way dad does things and, after a while, a father just gets fed up with her shit and withdraws rather than persist in doing something his way.  It’s very hard for these mothers to realize that there is very likely more than one way to accomplish many of these tasks, particularly as it pertains to children…

• If dad wants to use 40 wipes to change a diaper, while mom uses two, that’s okay.  If mom gets pissed off that dad uses 40 wipes, that doesn’t mean he didn’t perform a successful diaper change.  Rather than deal with her bitching, he no longer changes diapers, mom figures he one of “those” dads and the cycle is complete.
• Also, if the father has a competitive streak, he may want to see if he can a diaper using the fewest wipes possible.  Dad is competing against no one but himself - he just wants to see if it can be done.  I could fold a frigging’ baby wipe to the size of a postage stamp and have those babies spic-an’-span using only one wipe.  Some mothers may scoff at that idea and there is some specific amount to use… blah, blah, blah… the cycle continues.
• A smart father won’t allow himself to be shut out of child rearing duties, tell mom to take a frigging hike, and change the baby however he sees fit.  Remember, dad does play a role in allowing the maternal gatekeeping mother to operate with uncanny effectiveness.

But I digress… the true point I wanted to make is like most fathers - I was originally relegated to non-custodial status, and when divorce and child custody came to darken my door.  When you’re a non-custodial father, maternal gatekeeping activities are a favorite pastime for the malicious ex-wife.  One of the most common and effective ways is interfering with phone contact.  Such was the case near constantly with PEW in the early years.  2005 was a particularly gruesome year for all kinds of bullshit, but we’re pretty close to wrapping up the pertinent parts of that year.  It starts with the phone.  One night, my call went unanswered and given that I was keeping a log “just in case” it became a frequent habit, she would get paranoid.  Early November 2005 was one of those times and I received an email the following morning, unsolicited.

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After a welcome respite and a wonderful holiday season, we snap back to the reality of closing out the year 2005.  Now, it wasn’t too long ago I wrote about the PEW’s crazy neighbors… the one with whom she feigns friendship in order to party occasionally, share in some camaraderie that is hating on the abusive ex-husband, and force-friend the relationship between the two household’s children.  The story involved the boys sharing with me (in 2008) - the neighbor children’s complete and total obsession with guns and gun play.  I discussed “Joker” and “Goblin” in the post: Mark It Down - We Have a Civil Discussion.  The other benefit of this bizarre relationship between those two households is further described in the post: The Inevitable Discovery of Internet Pornography.  Despite Joker’s and Goblin’s obvious behavioral issues (primarily Joker, the older one, S1’s age), the fact that PEW makes the children play together means PEW herself doesn’t have to interact as much with the boys.  In the former post, I express my ongoing concerns about the health and welfare of the children due to Joker having access to bb guns and a crossbow (and Lord only knows what other, even more deadly weapons) and strongly suggest to PEW to end the relationship between the children.  This plea is reinforced by ongoing expressions from S1 that he doesn’t even like Joker and is made to play with him by PEW.

It is interesting to note that my fears were earlier expressed in October of 2005.  The following is an email I sent to PEW that followed a phone discussion that included this very topic.

PEW,

Just a follow-up to our conversation - I write because it’s easier to keep from getting sidetracked with you when I have a genuine concern about something.

After speaking with S1 and his describing most of the time he plays with Joker- the play involves guns… and that the video games he plays at Joker’s “almost all have shooting and guns” <<< S1’s words, not mine… I just want to tell you that I am really concerned and want to make sure that you are aware of this.

It concerns me for a [several] of reasons:

1. When it’s time for me to pick him up, he asks to bring the toy guns with
   him to play with them.
2. He asks me to buy him toy guns.
3. His description of the time he spends with Joker.

I would really like to know what the names of the games are that Joker plays that involve guns and killing and shooting. I can’t believe that there are ANY that are appropriate for the 6 - 7 year old range. I would like to think that you would want to know, too, so that we can research them and find out just how appropriate they are for children (as impressionable as S1)… particularly given the stressful family situations he is experiencing. The last thing we need to experience is that he learn that these guns are an outlet for any anger/upset he may be feeling.

Please find out what the titles of those games are and let’s look into it.

It is probably very likely that they are not ‘age appropriate’ games and S1 should not be playing them… or watching others play them, and Lord knows… given the realistic look of that gun I saw him with last Friday, the last thing we need is a cop or someone else mistaking it for the real thing.

The Relation Between Toy Gun Play and Children’s Aggressive Behavior

Community Norms on Toy Guns

Information Generally Not Available on Toy Gun Issues Related to Crime, Injuries or Deaths, and Long-Term Impact

~LM

Oh, I know… how dare I express genuine concerns regarding a real serious issue involving our children. Did I expect anything less than a caustic reply? I don’t really remember, but probably not. This was just one of those things that I legitimately had to try and see addressed.

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