The Psycho Ex Wife

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2005 would be the first of a couple of summers where PEW would escape paying her portion of childcare expenses when the children were with me.  Of course, there are those psycho biological mothers who believe expenses and child support should only be paid by a father.  Despite the crazy, mixed-up statutes that have afforded such women those beliefs, it’s not true.  That doesn’t mean that some don’t get their beliefs validated, either by financial attrition (dad realizes it will cost more to make her pay in legal fees than she owes for her RESPONSIBILITY), or by a judge’s “discretion.”

I approach her via email with the forthcoming issue regarding childcare during my custodial time:

PEW,

Obviously, pending the forthcoming expected report and court hearing, I was wondering how we are going to handle the child-care expenses situation? I have a couple of weeks where I will have to pay for childcare in addition to the fact that you won’t before our expected court date arrives. I was wondering how you wanted to handle it?

Please advise.

As if I had any belief that she would want to handle it any other way than “you pay for your own childcare, and you pay in proportion to our incomes for when I need childcare.”

LM,

How do you figure? According to you, you have vacation the last week in June. And then again the 2nd week in July. As I said, I’m not giving you the time until the judge makes it an order because I don’t agree with it. Additionally, I will be paying additional child care while their with me and either at camp or with a sitter (child care that is not included in the current support order.) Additionally you’ve paid nothing towards S2s $1500 tuition from last year, so I doubt I’ll be owing you any money, it’s much more likely it will be the other way around. If you feel differently, you can ask your lawyer to file for a modification and I’ll take that opportunity to get reimbursed for my out of pocket child care.

As of right now, you’ll have the kids the last week in June and the 2nd week in July.

Nuts.  Absolutely nuts.

First, our hearing wasn’t scheduled until July 20th, half-way through the summer.  Convenient for her that she would wait until the judge’s order on July 20th before “giving me” the time to which I was entitled between June 16th and July 20th.  She’s fucking brilliant.

Second, again she brings up the pre-K tuition which she was told, in an order from a Judge, was not necessary but optional.  She was stay-at-home during the week and was not in “need” of childcare.  If she wanted to enroll him, it was okay but I certainly wasn’t going to foot the bill for it.

PEW,

Thanks.

I didn’t know what else to say.  I should have said nothing, but then I have a long and storied history of not realizing that saying nothing would be the best thing to say.

LM,

and you claim “it’s not about money”…..you kill me.

And that quickly, she has me hooked again!

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The part 3 conclusion, click here for prior installments: Part 2 More Summer Custody Schedule Debate.

So there existed an issue regarding custodial time for the weekend of June 17th, 2005.  As she stated that she wanted to spend the “whole day” of the 18th with the children, I was to pick either that weekend or the following weekend, but that I “couldn’t have both.”  This is where the 7-part “Father Begs Series” would pick up.

Bottom line, due to all of my jumping around, I lost track of where I was to this point in 2005… so your conclusion IS the “Father Begs Series.”  Sorry.  (I’m actually laughing here.)  With that in mind, we’ll get into our debate over the Nanny we were using that summer, a decision that I had very little choice over, because we were on top of the summer and therefore, there were no available spots at any local camps in the new home state.  Still, with that said, Nanny Suzie was a bargain given all that she did with the children and was absolutely amazing.  There are days we wish we still had her, but alas, she would marry and relocate to begin a new life.

Continuing from Summer 2005 Custody Debate…

We continued on June 3rd, 2005…

PEW:

Both kids are sick, I am taking them to the Dr. today. You are blocked from sending further emails to me. You are a very unstable person in need of serious therapy.

And then on June 6th…

PEW:

See my requested changes marked by ***

June… finish school schedule – last day of school is 6/17.

- 6/17 to 6/19 with Dad.
- 6/19 to 6/25 with Mom.
- 6/25 to 7/3 with Dad.
- 7/3 to 7/9 with Mom. ***either to me by 7/1 or 7/2 if that doesn’t work till 7/11 or 7/12***
- 7/9 to 7/22 with Dad.
- 7/22 to 7/24 with Mom.
- 7/24 to 8/7 with Dad. *** to 8/5
- 8/7 to 8/14 with Mom.
- 8/14 to 8/30 with Dad.
- 8/30 to 9/5 with Mom.
- Resume school year schedule.

I wanted to be able to spend a little time with them at the shore and that is why I made the above changes.

Comments: You’ll notice the portion about the beginning of July, where I’ve already detailed the craziness surrounding each our vacations.  Keep in mind now, my contention is that she was already well aware of our intention to take vacation from the 9th through the 16th.  I altered the schedule to accommodate her request to get the boys on July 1st or July 2nd.  Ultimately, she would not return the favor.  Keep this in mind when your psycho ex makes promises that are not binding or otherwise covered by a potential contempt action.

LM:

As mentioned in the [custody evaluation] – during the school year, I would like to take advantage of opportunities to have them when it wouldn’t be burdensome to their school schedule – any holidays or teacher in-service days that are on a Friday or a Monday, I would want to pick them up a night earlier/drop them off a day later. Keep them over the Thanksgiving holiday (alternating Thanksgiving Day itself as already scheduled). Keep them over the Christmas break (alternating Christmas Eve/Day as we have already scheduled). Easter weekend, etc. I know our immediate need is the Summer, but I would like to finalize an annualized schedule (ultimately) so we can finally put that to bed.

PEW:

I have never had a problem being flexible with these holidays or extended weekends with you. I don’t think I’ve ever turned you down. I’m sorry though I don’t want to give them up indefinately because there will be that occasional year where I might have extra money…and want to take them on a special trip or something. Also, occassionally it would be nice if I got to spend a special day off with them. I work now 9-5 mon-friday, so my time with them is almost as limited as yours, so let’s be fair about this LM. You’re getting what you wanted for the summer right? (with a few minor changes).

Comment: How does a person with, at this point, the lion’s share of custodial time manage to make the claim, “…my time with them is almost as limited as yours…” ???  Never had a problem being flexible?

LM:

I can arrange to drop them off on the 2nd of July. I am not inclined to switch from the 7th to the 5th (August). The whole point of this is to maximize my time with the boys. Chopping weekends out of the proposed schedule doesn’t accomplish that.

July 2nd works better because EVERYONE will be traveling on the evening of the 1st and that will be a safer and less cumbersome travel day anyway.

Spilling over to June 7th…

PEW:

You are such a jerk.

LM:

Stop with the insults and focus on the children. Thanks.

I won’t get into some long-winded discussion about the purpose behind the summer schedule and my desire to spend meaningful time with the children again. You realize that the weekends are going to be vital to the relationship between the boys and me.

The adjustment makes it now 5 revisions. It’s also the last revision. We can amend things as circumstances arise and we are both in agreement, as we have in the past with much success. I would like to say “yes” to this schedule so we can both start planning accordingly.

…and over to June 8th…

PEW:

whatever LM….the truth of the matter is that EVERYONE thinks I am being WAY too nice about this summer thing. I’m going against ALL of the advice I’ve been given. ALL OF THE PEOPLE we know think you are horrible for forcing this issue on me and the kids. S2 cries for me when he’s at the sitters during the day, how do you think it will be at your house. He never cries for you….never.

Comments: Yes, the typical “ALL OF THE EVERYONE OF THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE EARTH” support her reply.

LM:

The “whole world” believes no such thing. Only those people who support you no matter what the reality is. “How I’ve treated you” - is fairly. Despite your lies and embellishments to everyone, including Gloria… about who sued whom when and over what issue… the fact that you change things to maximize the amount of money you get… the fact that you use the kids as a weapon to get back at me for all of the wrongs I’ve done you - real or imagined… you abandon those who don’t agree with your viewpoint and surround yourself with those who do agree with your distorted view of reality without question.

I can live with those people passing judgment on me. They only have your version of reality to go by. It wouldn’t be fair of me to be upset with them for that. Perhaps you would be willing to send me their names and addresses so that I can show them how the private you has acted for all of these years? I’m sure if they knew the truth, you would abandon them just as you have anyone else who has questioned your stories.

When all of those people, including you, wake up and realize that the situation that “forced” anything on anyone was the divorce (and not where I live) - only then will I consider their judgment sound. But doing so would mean you would have to acknowledge some measure of responsibility for the predicament we’re in.

Remember - you wanted a divorce and yet all you can do is dwell on the marriage instead of working towards a less confrontational future. You really need to stop that. You’re not being “way too nice.” You cannot possibly have the best interests of the children in mind, either short-term or long-term, by working so hard to block them spending the maximum amount of time with their father when it will be least disruptive to their school schedule. As it’s always been for you on any issue, it’s about control. “My way or the highway” is the life you’ve led and continue to do so.

Here’s a newsflash for you: Spending time [at the vacation house with your parents] will NEVER be as important than spending time with me. Never.

PEW:

Back off and appreciate what I’ve done for you for a change. I’m so tired of your creepy attitude. The whole world thinks you’re a jerk and you treat me like this….post divorce. I love it. Thanks

Comments: I should “appreciate” this shit.  Good grief.

LM:

Appreciate what? The holdup? Working so hard to avoid doing what is right for S1 and S2… me… and perhaps even yourself?

I can live with people believing *I’M* the jerk for wanting to spend as much time as possible with the children that I love. Perhaps they should re-evaluate how they come to such a conclusion. And you need to stop playing the victim card. I’m doing nothing “to you” nor am I doing anything “to the children…” fact is, quite the contrary is going on.

And as for the weekend of the 17th (your voice mail) - that is my weekend. Please don’t make me have to contact the custody master. You’ve already had to attend one contempt hearing for not following orders, it would be a shame for you to have to do it again.

PEW:

I have sent a letter to your attorney and I am currently in contact with legal aid trying to get a new attorney. If you need to contact me further, please do it through your lawyer. I’m not going to tolerate your abuse any more. Do not email me again.

Whatever.  Of course, she’ll continue to email me and the discussion will drag on and on and on and on…

In part 3, we’ll conclude this segment of disaster…

This particular exchange makes for some long reading. Despite this, it still must also be split up, lest I risk you falling asleep and banging your face on the keyboard. I would suggest that you grab a cup of coffee, a donut, and find a comfortable seat before continuing. We’ll wait…………………….

The following exchanges take place between May 25th, 2005 and June what-the-hell-ever first week of 2005 (cue theme noise for the television show 24). It pre-dates the stories told during “The Big Confrontations Series” from 2005 regarding the screwed up vacation plans and such.  It’s the pre-beg that occurred right around the same time as the begging that I wrote about in the series “A Father Begs for Meaningful Custody Time…”

May 25th, 2005

Ok LM. I will consider your proposal. But I’ll need flexibility on your part. I think we could try it your way, but I’m not willing to sign anything because I want to see how the boys handle it. If they get down there and they are crying to come home, I want them to be able to come home.

I disagree with everything you’ve said in this email. My reasons for disagreeing with you are way more simple than what you state. You left. I don’t think this should effect the boys so profoundly. The animosity I feel towards you has everything to do with the way you’ve conducted yourself over the past year and a half.

I will do this for the kids, but in their best interest I’m not willing to make it a court order…yet. Take it or leave it.

~PEW

Comment: “Take it or leave it.”  Negotiation - PEW-style!

May 27th, 2005

PEW:

Well we can certainly keep trying to negotiate something acceptable. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s not going to be exactly what I want…..but you need to realize it can’t be exactly what you want either.

Comment: We’re negotiating with a terrorist here.  It won’t end up being much of anything I want.

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Announcement #1:

As you all know, in March, LM lost his job. When not searching all of the usual internet job sites and pouring over newspapers for work, we have been working on a project to help others going through custody issues as we receive hundreds of e-mails each month asking for solutions to problems. We spend a lot of time helping, but we wanted to find a way to help more people in a much more efficient manner, and create a business around it so that LM can continue to support the family. So, it is with great pride and hope that we share with our readers that we have created a new website with which we hope to help many more people through difficult custody issues.

Mr Custody Coach is geared towards people going through high conflict divorce and custody situations, to help them create custody agreements that will minimize problems, and deal with other issues such as false allegations and parental alienation. That doesn’t mean we can’t help those looking for ideas and assistance with planning for low-conflict/no-conflict divorce and custody arrangements!  We can help with that, too!

We have put together a great team of experts and have planned a full compliment of plans including: conference calls, guides, programs, and private forums where you can get specific advice for your unique situation. We are also launching a radio show where you will be able to listen to experts such as Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy discuss issues many of you are dealing with in your current relationships and raising children in the midst of a hostile custody situation.

We are making this announcement for several reasons, the first of which is to ask for your help in launching this website. If you have a blog or website of your own, or know someone else that does, we would greatly appreciate a link, for which you can find several suggested links at the end of this post. Links are critical to helping spread the word far and wide.  We would also be happy to write a guest post for you on any custody or divorce topic, parenting & step-parenting - just shoot us an e-mail! If you believe you have a website that has readers who could benefit from the help of a custody coach, you might also consider joining our affiliate program where you can earn a commission each month for every member you send to us. You can read more about that and join here.

The second reason is to let you know if you need additional help creating a custody agreement that works, want to go low-contact but aren’t sure how to implement it, want to protect yourself from false allegations, or need to create a custody plan to take to your attorney, you can join Mr. Custody Coach for just $29.95 per month, and you can even get a 15% discount by entering the code 2045255B23 when you become a member.

Announcement #2:

At the request of many people who have followed the blog and/or joined the forums, we are adding a “donations button” to both locations. We are very grateful and appreciative that readers would think so much of us and what we provide for all. We have resisted doing so out of pride and a profound sense that we didn’t want to impose upon the readership, make anyone feel obligated, or otherwise turn anybody “off.” However, it does cost money (which DW has so graciously paid for the last 2-years) and take time to dedicate to our cause and our desire to help everyone seeking assistance.

So, we’re doing it. We are not going to make a big deal about it. You are under NO obligation to make a donation. It is there if you wish to at any time. You can also choose to become a member of Mr. Custody Coach if you want to gain additional information to help your custody case instead of just donating.  Sign up for a month and come take a look around.

We hope that we have helped every single one of you who come here and if you feel that our assistance moved you to do something like that, we are very thankful. The truth is, everyone here helps us in some way, shape, or form every day. For that, too, we thank you all very much.

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