Excepts of this post are from the book about Borderline Personality Disorder, Understanding The Borderline Mother, by Dr. Christine Lawson. In it, she describes four typical roles that often define the BPD:
The Waif is the helpless BPD. She lives in intense emotional chaos and forms deeply enmeshed relationships with others who they’re hoping will manage their emotions on their behalf. She turns to addictive behaviors to self-soothe and lives in a permanent pattern of panic attacks and suicidal episodes. These are both expressions of their pain and a way to attract soothing, sympathetic attention from others.
The Hermit is the fearful BPD. She lives in total fear and refuses any kind of assistance or intervention. She refuses to acknowledge any mistakes. She isolates herself, is perpetually negative, and and tends to be obsessed with control, something of which they have very little.
The Queen is the controlling and entitled BPD. She considers herself the ultimate authority and completely entitled, as if she were some kind of “Queen of the Imaginary Castle.” She is demanding, intimidating, and viciously vindictive. She refuses any kind of acceptance of responsibility or consequences because, of course, they have no faults and make no mistakes. The can front as alternately charming along with any one or more of the aforementioned characteristics.
The Witch is the sadistic BPD. She is the ultimate in intimidating. She uses rage, emotional control, and/or physical violence rather than charm. She thinks everyone is out to get them no matter the circumstances or situation. She is highly motivated by fear and suspicion. She seeks to bolster her self-esteem and the illusion of power at the expense of others.
It takes a different approach to handle the type of borderline with which you’re dealing.
Dealing with the Waif requires you to avoid getting pulled into her crises. You must avoid feeding her complete sense of victimization. They will prey on your good nature and tendency to want to “rescue” or “save” them from whatever their latest issue is. The Waif lives off of these characteristics of the non-BPD and if you fail to avoid these mistakes, you will find yourself in a never-ending cycle of “rescues.”
With the Hermit, you must avoid internalizing their fears. Doing so only perpetuates fear and avoidance on the part of the Hermit. It will actually escalate their characteristics. Additionally, by acquiescing to their fears and self-limiting behavior, it won’t be long before you find your life marked by the same outcomes. You will stop seeing friends. You will stop doing activities and hobbies. You will become a hermit by default.
The Queen should not be permitted to gain the “upper hand” on you. Anything the Queen does for you that is seemingly beneficial is coming to you with strings attached. There is an expectation for something in return for being the recipient of her graciousness. Maximum entitlement for the Queen at maximum cost to you is what drives this BPD.
With the Witch comes your greatest risk of being a victim of domestic violence. It is a wise person who avoids being left alone for extended periods of time with the Witch, if at all. The Witch employs maximum destruction on your emotional well-being and potentially - your physical safety (and those around you, including your children). Distance is the key to dealing with the Witch BPD.
Other coping strategies including:
The “Firm but Sensitive” Approach - Personal validation, important in any situation, is essential with a borderline parent. Express your awareness of their emotions even while setting boundaries.
Trust In Yourself - Many children of borderline parents indicate that they felt “crazy” growing up. They experience a childhood full of inconsistencies. An action or statement that earned praise one day would spark a days-long silent treatment and/or rage the next day. Additionally, sudden outbursts and overreactions are the norm. Children growing in such an environment never learn to trust their own judgments or feelings. Know that you weren’t crazy, that you’re not crazy, and that you’re not alone!
Trust In Others - People who’ve navigated through childhood with a borderline parent often suffer from feelings of worthlessness, fears of abandonment, and fears of people (generally) because they grew up receiving the mixed-message: You’re a wonderful person (one day)… You’re a horrible person (the next day). The child has grown to expect that someone that they love or trust implicitly could turn on them at any given moment.
Defending Boundaries - Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent themselves. Given that the BPD’s mental and intellectual growth is considered stunted to about the age of 8 - 12 years old (in some circles), it’s as though a child is raising a child. Therefore, children of the borderline mother often grow up very quickly. They often become caretaker of siblings and even end up acting as caretaker for everyone. This will occur at the expense of taking care of themselves and they grow up missing out on a great many of the “normal things/experiences” that children should have. Learn to put yourself first.
We often highly recommend that a person who is dealing with (or has dealt with) a BPD in their lives seek counseling/therapy for themselves. Not only will this enable you to understand the BPD better, but it will help you in getting over those parts of your personality that may have developed as a result, putting you at greater risk of poor interpersonal relationships as you have grown into adulthood.
