The Psycho Ex Wife

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“PART 1, YOU SAY!?!?!”  Yes.  I sure do.  Yesterday’s Hearing Eve post about the jitters and anxiousness I had didn’t rise to the level I felt after walking out of the pre-hearing conference (usual and customary to try to drive a settlement before the hearing).  PEW’s attorney was an absolute bulldog and I was in way over my head.  Total panic.  And only one way out.

Waking far too early after being up far too late last night, I was a bit jittery and couldn’t manage any appetite.  So, breakfast was 2 cups of coffee and a bottle of water.  I had everything prepared so it was just a matter of showering, dressing, and texting back-and-forth with DW going over some potential scenarios that could play out during the hearing.  We also wondered if Psycho-SIL would actually show-up.  Last night, prior to retiring for the evening, I received a phone call from her and permitted it to go straight to voice mail.

Hi, LM, this is PP.  I’m calling to let you know that I got your subpoena to appear tomorrow and I was wondering if I was going to get my appearance fee.  It’s bad enough I have to lose a day of work on such short notice, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m supposed to be paid a witness fee otherwise, I’m not obligated to show up for your hearing.  I just thought I’d let you know that.  So, give me a call back or a text and let me know if you’re going to pay me my witness fee.  Thanks.

I burst out laughing.  It was a moment of relief during an otherwise tense night.

Since I wasn’t sure, I pulled over and immediately sent a text message to DW.  I told her that I could wait until I got home, but to google “witness fee” for our particular county and see if there is such a thing.  If so, let me know how much it is.

DW’s reply was prefaced with an animated smiley face.  There was such a thing.  The witness fee is $5 per day + 7-cents per mile travel reimbursement.  I laughed again.  Further, there is no such fee for family court matters.  That’s the reimbursement rate for “witnesses for the Commonwealth.”  Total amount she would be owed, even if it applied: About $6.40.  I told DW that I would bring my checkbook to court, just in case we’ve overlooked something.  (We didn’t, she wasn’t owed a witness fee.)

Shortening up the story a bit, everyone arrives.  Plaintiff (her), Defendant (me), HR Witness, PP.  And we wait and wait and wait and wait.

About 3-hours after we arrive, we’re called into the conference room to see if something can be worked out.  Needless to say, it couldn’t be worked out.  Further, as I sit here, I’m still not clear what the hell happened in that room, but Bulldog did almost all of the talking and even the spineless conference officer couldn’t reign her in.  I don’t mean to speak poorly of the conference woman (an older lady - we’ll call her Gertrude).  She was simply freight-trained by Bulldog.  It ended up being Bulldog dictating to Gertrude what numbers to put in, why, when, how.  I mean, she should have just jumped in front of the PC and did it all herself, it was that ridiculous.  Though there were two occasions where Gertrude challenged some of her contentions, she eventually just ran everything the way Bulldog dictated.

Additionally, I protested once, saying, “Wait just a moment here.  My understanding of the situation is that this was simply a basic guideline review with some adjustments for the severance check I got last week.  That would total 11-weeks.  Shouldn’t we just be vacating the current order as of (approximately) June 1st?”

It fell on deaf ears.  Bulldog had other ideas, none of which I could make head nor tails of from my regular review of the state statutes.  The number coming from the PC:  I would now owe nearly $800/month child support dating back to when I filed and for the foreseeable future.  Though it didn’t show, I wanted to fall right out of my chair.  The only thought swirling through my head at that moment was that this wasn’t how Lacey did the calculations.  This wasn’t how D-Mac did the calculations.  It was simply how many weeks did you get paid upon departure, child support at the current order through that date and a new order in place beyond whereby she would be paying an appropriate level of child support, according to the guidelines.  I have no idea what the hell just happened!

With that, Bulldog sarcastically turns to PEW and says, “I’m good with the guideline amount, are you?” PEW replied with a laugh-skip in her voice, “Sure!” Bulldog turns to me and asks, “Are you prepared to settle for the guideline amount?”

Calmly, I grinned and said, “Ohhh-ho no.  We’re absolutely going to a hearing.”

Bulldog replied, “That’s fine with us.” She slapped together all of her gear and back out to the waiting area we went.

It was there that my inside panic took full effect.  I was a stone-face on the outside.  Inside - a mess.  Since I had no grasp of what Bulldog was attempting to do which resulted in that calculation, I had absolutely ZERO ability to counter it.  I knew this.  The Judge wasn’t going to walk me through the statutes on a good day, therefore, all of the rest of the stuff was immaterial - if I couldn’t articulate an argument to explain why that number was a simple “pull it out of your ass” effort, I was going to fall flat on my face.

DW learned of my panic due to the text barrage that ensued, begging for any prayer, wish, hope, faith, charity, fingercross, coin-in-the-fountain wing-and-an-I-dunno that she could send my way.  Everything I had prepared for, which  boiled down to going towards guideline, defending her unfounded accusations of “hidden income” and proving that she had hidden income via PP’s rent - it just didn’t matter.  I had no idea how to get out from under this morning’s calculation and didn’t have the moxy and knowledge to argue why it was fiction.

So, I relaxed and came up with a plan… just as we were called into court…

(long dramatic pause)

I headed for the elevator, ran out into the cool rain, hopped in my car and drove away as fast as I could!

No, I didn’t.  We entered the courtroom and stood before Judge Support.  Pleasant enough looking woman.  We were sworn in.  Judge Support addressed Bulldog and she said something about the guideline calculation being re-adjusted since there was additional income just received last week by me that wasn’t a consideration at the time of the original conference.  Judge Support also mentioned that there is another petition that “for some inexplicable reason” wasn’t scheduled for the same time, so she suggested a consolidation to hear both petitions at the same time.  Bulldog reluctantly agreed but suggested that based upon the new calculation that the petition I filed for child support be withdrawn or dismissed as there is “no way” that it is appropriate at this time.  Judge Support looked at me and asked me if I agree and if there was anything else.  I agreed to the consolidation.  I did not agree to the withdrawal of my petition.  Then I said,

“Your honor, at this time I would like to respectfully ask the court for a continuance of these consolidated matters.  I have no idea what just took place back there in the conference room.  It was a lot different that how Lacey previously calculated it absent the additional weeks of income.  I came here today anticipating that some matters that were unclear at the conference would be made clear and I can assure you that’s not what happened in our conference this morning.  What happened is clearly outside of the scope of my understanding and I am requesting a continuance so that I may seek the representation of counsel at this time.”

Without hesitation, and perhaps seeing abject fear in my eyes, she replied simply, “Your request is granted.  I think that’s completely appropriate under the circumstances.” With that, she turned to Bulldog and said, “Any objection?” Clearly disappointed, Bulldog replied, “No, your honor.”

With that, I thanked Judge Support, gathered my things, walked out of the courtroom, stopping only long enough to apologize to HR Manager, telling her that the matter has been continued.  I think I held my breath all the way to the car before exhaling again.  I just wanted to get the hell outta there.

I called my attorney and spoke with her awesome receptionist, telling her that I got the continuance, that I need D-Mac’s help on this, and to let me know how much I needed to send in to replenish my retainer “while I actually had some money to give to her.”  We’ll be notified by mail for when the hearing will be rescheduled.

I feel like I dodged a mortar shell.

Tomorrow - a short post detailing some other details that would have upset the flow of my writing just now.  A couple of exchanges between Bulldog and I with respect to some details.  PEW’s contention that PP has only paid $250/month in rent and only since September and, shocker… she’s moving out again!  (This will be the third time in advance of or just after a child support hearing.)

(Our first installment in this ongoing series: Job Loss?  It Happened!)

(Our last installment in this ongoing series:  Officer of the Day)

And I’ve suffered a minor set-back.  I’ve heard through the grapevine that PEW is being represented by a 20-year veteran family law attorney.  I also heard that they subpoenaed my last employer’s HR Manager (poor woman).  There are no worries there, I presume that it will be to attempt to find out of I was involuntarily terminated or fired for cause.

Too bad they’ll be disappointed.

Still, my guts are twisting.  I’ve pooped about 5-times today (and I’m figuring on another 2 or 3).  I may think I’m pretty good at doing this on my own, but I’ve never been up against a seasoned attorney before, so I’m now at a decided disadvantage.

So, I had to rush up to [custody-state] a day ahead of time to do some running around, try to get a subpoena served on Psycho-SIL with only a half-day’s notice, call my attorney (only to find out there is no way for her to come available on 24-hours notice), and try to get my frigging head on straight.

Remind me to pick up a fresh ream of copy paper, I abused the printer today in unspeakable ways.

My attorney did call me back and told me to stay the course.  I have a solid understanding of the statutes.  Say only what we discussed.  Bring your usual calm, rational demeanor to the stand and hang on for the ride.  I always have an appeal option and then I’ll have to unload the expense of having her work the case for me.  What a waste.  Unfortunately, after much debate with DW last night, the potential ramifications of NOT spending the money are far greater than… well, digging a deeper financial hole.

Now, I continue to get all of my documentation in order.  I thank my lucky stars for the “anonymous tip” that led to some information that I can prepare a separate line of questioning for the Human Resources Manager.  I gotta shake off the nerves and the jitters and the stomach upset (yes, stopping at Burger King didn’t help… and if I’m being followed, could result in a contempt petition since I urge my children to not eat fast food).

Also, as neither me nor my attorney have received a notice of appearance by this attorney… there is a chance that PEW’s previous contention that she had an “attorney friend” who will help her to prepare a bunch of stuff “for free” means just that… she helped PEW prepare and won’t actually be her attorney of record tomorrow at the hearing.

Cross your fingers.  Someone pass the Tums.

I haven’t done of these in a while. Time to do a little catch-up. A reader wrote me to let me know that The Psycho Ex-Wife is in control.

Dear Mister-M,

I have been in your situation in the past and made a lot of mistakes. I went to counseling and read many books on passive aggressive behavior. You should do the same. You should seek out counseling. It seems like you are consumed with your ex. SHE IS CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE! Don’t you have anything better to think about? Isn’t there a subject that you would rather write about? A hobby you could spend this much time on? Something you enjoy? If she is left without anyone to fight with, what is she going to do? Moving on and making your own life happy is the best thing you could do. Let her make her own life miserable. Don’t be a part of her games. I’ve moved on from this type of situation and I’m a lot happier. Your situation sounds like the way mine WAS. Your war is being fought from BOTH sides, not just hers. One of the best books I’ve read dealing with your situation was written by a divorce lawyer. It is called “Divorce: It’s all about control” by Stacy Phillips. I was very skeptical considering the author’s profession but it was VERY helpful. Also, reading about passive aggression helped me understand a lot about what is going on. It’s always easy to blame the other person. I had to take a good look at myself to see where I needed to make changes. I can not change my ex. I can only change the ways that I deal with her. This has made my life a lot better.

~RM

My guess is that RM was just passing-through.  Aside from sharing the history (for obvious reasons) and current events, the purposes of this blog are well-detailed.  Of course, you do have the option of believing that this is just a line of bullshit and I am consumed with the PEW.  I can’t control that.  RM might also have seen that I did get counseling, for a quite a long time, too.

Dear RM,

I appreciate your sentiments, but you’re obviously missing the point of the site. I’m certain no amount of explanation would suffice to satisfy you, so I won’t bother to try. Just know that if I didn’t think that this was helping a lot of people, I wouldn’t do it.

I’m not consumed with my ex… quite the contrary. If there is no reason to contact her, I don’t. With only the fewest exceptions, her antics don’t impact my life even a little bit.

I’ve had several years of counseling, quite successfully I might add. Very valuable lessons learned a handful of years ago.

Thanks for writing.

Sincerely,
Mister-M

I’m not sure that there was much more to say.  I do appreciate the feedback and fortunately, the overwhelming majority of it is positive.  I’m not sure that this could really be categorized as negative and certainly would serve as a “reality check” of sorts.  Lord knows, one thing I have done is change how I deal with her.  Certainly sound advice no matter who it comes from or in what form.

China Arnold: Back in November of 2006 - China Arnold was arrested on suspicion of murdering her newborn daughter by putting the baby in a microwave oven. She was jailed on a charge of aggravated murder, more than a year after she brought her dead month-old baby to a hospital. Evidence included high-heat internal injuries and the absence of external burn marks on the baby. Rather than the death penalty, she was given life in prison without possibility of parole in August of 2008.

Susan Smith: Susan strapped her children into their car seats and ended their lives by putting the car in neutral and letting it roll down the boat ramp.   Michael and Alex Smith became murder victims when Psycho Mom reached into the car and released the parking brake sending the family car into John D. Long Lake.  She also initially lied, fabricated a story about a car-jacking and sent police and the public on a manhunt for a fabricated African American male. Judge Howard Susan Smith to thirty years to life in prison.  Psycho is eligible for parole in 2025.

Andrea Yates: Andrea filled the family tub with water and beginning with Paul, she systematically drowned the three youngest boys, then placed them on her bed and covered them. Mary was left floating in the tub. The last child alive was the first born, seven-year-old Noah. He asked his mother what was wrong with Mary, then turned and ran away. Andrea caught up with him and as he screamed, she dragged him and forced him into the tub next to Mary’s floating body. He fought desperately, coming up for air twice, but Andrea held him down until he was dead. Leaving Noah in the tub, she brought Mary to the bed and laid her in the arms of her brothers.  Andrea’s original conviction was overturned and she was found not-guilty by reason of insanity.

Sabine Hilschenz: In April of 2008, A German appeals court confirmed a 15-year prison sentence handed to this woman for killing eight of her newborn babies in the country’s worst post-war infanticide case. The remains of the babies were found in buckets and flowerpots at the home she shared with her husband, and in an old fish tank at the home of her parents in the town of Brieskow-Finkenheerd in former communist east Germany. She gave birth to nine babies - 2 boys and 7 girls - between 1988 and 1998. She was also accused of killing the first of the 9 babies, born in 1988, but the lower court ruled that the time in which she could be charged in connection with that death had lapsed.

Banita Jacks: In January of 2008, she was charged with three counts of felony murder and one count of first-degree murder while armed. She murdered 4 children in grisly fashion. Jacks told police that her daughters were possessed by demons and that each died in her sleep during a seven- to 10-day period. Preliminary findings were that Brittany was stabbed to death and that Aja died from blunt-force impact to the back of her head and possible ligature strangulation. Both Tatianna and N’kiah also had “apparent ligature evidence” on their necks that was “somewhat more defined than that noted on Aja Fogle’s neck,” court documents said. She kept her daughters for many months. Their bodies were found in the home severely decomposed.

Deanna Laney:  This psycho mom, who reported that she killed two of her three children “on God’s orders” was actually acquitted in April of 2004 and ordered into a state psychiatric facility in Texas.  Laney, an East Texas housewife, locked her sleeping husband in their bedroom and then went to Joshua and Luke’s room. She escorted Luke to a rock garden in the front yard of their home, which is encircled by a white split-rail fence. Laney told her son to lie down with his head on a rock and she took another large rock, raised it over her head and brought it down onto his skull. She then killed Joshua in the same manner. Both children were found dead with large stones lying on their chests. Aaron, the third son, 14 months old, was attacked with a rock in his crib but did not die.

Lisa Diaz: To “save her children from an evil world” - she drowned them.  Both of them.  Briana, 6, and Kamryn, 3, back in 2003.   A Collin County jury decided in August 2004 that Ms. Diaz did not know it was wrong to drown her two young daughters. She had been suffering from psychotic delusions and thought she was being merciful by killing them, according to testimony during the trial. As a result, the jury found her not guilty by reason of insanity. Prosecutors disagreed, saying that there were no signs of mental illness at the time of her arrest. In fact, they said, she showed remorse for her actions.  She was released after being found “mentally stable” after little more than 2-years in a psychiatric hospital.

Dena Schlosser: This psycho mother killed her eleven-month-old daughter, Margaret Schlosser, in 2004, amputating the baby’s arms with a knife and offering her to God.  This crazy bitch is actually soon to be a free woman.  Another mother who gets off lightly after killing children, she was found not-guilty by reason of insanity.  Now, she is moved to outpatient care and will be free from any punishment.

Geneviève Lhermitte: Back in 2007, this mother slashed the throats of her five children before trying to commit suicide in the Belgian town of Nivelles. Unfortunately, she wasn’t successful in killing herself as effectively as she took the lives of her offspring. The girls Yasmine,14, Nora, 12, Myriam, 10, Mina, 8, and a boy Mehdi, 3, had all been “killed with a knife” and the mother had called the emergency services after an apparent attempt to kill herself with the same weapon.  She was “depressed.”  On December 19, 2008 Lhermitte was found guilty of the murders by the court and is now facing life imprisonment.

Fed up with poverty and ill health, a woman fed her six children food laced with a pesticide and later consumed the same herself in new Pannapur area of Hapur on Wednesday night.

Saroj Bala: 35, was married to a truck driver who was knee-deep in debt. She poisoned all 6 of her children. The three children identified by the police are Dolly, 14, Jyoti, 10, and Sanjeev, 9; the names of the three other children could not be ascertained. In a recovered suicide note, she has blamed herself for the tragedy.  The lack of blaming someone else or something else is stunning.  This psycho mom actually blamed herself and managed to succeed in taking her own life.  Among the six children, the eldest was a 14-year-old girl and the youngest a three-year-old boy.

————

I have a few thoughts:

• Ever notice how often child-killing mothers are excused for what they do?
• Ever notice how often child-killing mothers get the “female sentencing discount” for their grisly crimes?
• Do you ever wonder if the stats on domestic violence are skewed because mothers who kill their children or husbands or boyfriends are rarely, if ever categorized as “domestic violence?”
• 61% of all child abuse is committed by biological mothers while only 25% is committed by biological fathers according to data available at the DHHS report on nationwide Child Abuse.

In the event you aren’t already aware of this reality, I’ll disclose it for you here.

The greatest deterrent to your children going to inappropriate places on the internet isn’t a software program.  It isn’t a keylogger.  It isn’t school and teachers.  It’s you.  It’s the parents. It’s appropriate supervision in conjunction with any one or more of the tools and assistants above.

Folks, it doesn’t get any simpler than that.  If you don’t keep a meaningful level of supervision of your children in any number of situations, they will discover things and do things that they shouldn’t at their age (if ever).

This story begins with PEW sending me the usual vague text messages:

• “We need to talk.”
• “Can we talk.”
• “Are you there?  I have to talk to you.”

I reply asking what the subject matter is and she responds simply, “S1.” So, I tell her to call.  Why a psycho-ex just can’t tell you what’s what is baffling.  Why not just text, “I need to talk to you, caught S1 looking at porn.” ???  Why is their desire for drama so overwhelming that they just can’t even give you the basic information?

She explains a situation that occurred over the weekend that led to her discovery of some websites he had visited.  The story she disclosed went something like this…

While attending a cook-out at a neighbor’s home, S1 had slipped away from the party to go play some video games.  While away, he was visiting a porn website that featured pictures of naked girls and guys in various states of undress and possibly sexual situations.

Somehow, during this surfing period, the crazy neighbor kid (CNK) was told or otherwise discovered what S1 was doing, and went to his own home and looked it up.

In addition to all of this, there are conflicting stories about one boy or the other or both, exposing themselves to one another and possibly asking (one, or the other, or both) to lick their genitals.

Somehow, CNK’s mother found out about it during the party and the story CNK’s kid tells is so bizarre that CNK’s mom is totally freaked, confronting me about S1 being a molester, a freak, a sicko, etc.  After all, CNK never does anything wrong.

Anyway, I had a good long talk to him about how it’s inappropriate for him to be looking at stuff like that.  At his age, he isn’t ready for it.  It was wrong.  He told me that a kid at school told him about the site and that he was curious so he looked it up.  Apparently, on Thursday, he got up before anyone else and he was looking at the stuff.  I checked and his story seems to check out as the history shows him looking early that morning.

I know that telling you is going to probably come back and bite me in the ass and S1 is afraid of you.  He thinks you’re going to yell at him about it, but I felt like you must know and probably have a talk with him, too.  I don’t know what to do about [the neighbors].

My reply was short and to the point.  Ignore the mindless rantings of the neighbor.  I will speak to S1 about the situation and get to the bottom of it.  With that, I ended the phone call.

DW and I spoke at length about how to approach the subject with S1.  The range of options was virtually endless, but obviously, it was going to be a calm discussion that attempted to get the details about how things unfolded and then transition into a discussion about making appropriate decisions, being honest, and always being able to approach me about anything with which he is curious before he ends up in trouble that it won’t be so easy to get out of.

I was going to do it Sunday evening after pick-up.  I can tell he was nervous and he told me right away that he knew I knew and I was going to talk to him about it.  However, I wasn’t in the “right frame of mind” that evening.  I reassured him that he wasn’t in big trouble, but that I would talk to him Monday night about it, in private (as he told me that S2 knew nothing of the situation and I wanted to keep it that way).  Unfortunately, he still cried himself to sleep that night with worry, but he woke up fine and had a good day at school on Monday.

Monday evening, we went into my bedroom together and I sat him in a chair while I laid on the bed and we started talking about it.  I’ll start by listing the facts as I believe them to be true.  I’m pretty good at spotting the kids lying, they have “tells.”  So, these items I truly believe to be accurate.

• He wasn’t told by the 5th-grader about the porn site directly.  He overheard the boy talking with other friends about how to find naked girls online by googling “boobs.”
• He disclosed the site he went to visit.  No, I will not share it here.  We all know what they are and look like.  If you’ve seen one porn site, you’ve seen all… well, let’s say most.
• They were only pictures and he didn’t see any videos.  Girls and guys alone and doing stuff.
• He visited 3 times.  Thursday and Friday mornings before school.  Saturday afternoon when he slipped away from the party after telling PEW he was going home to play video games.
• CNK, as I am aware he has a history of doing, snuck into the PEW home without knocking and caught S1 looking at the site.  Embarrassed, he tried to close it and “missed the X” so CNK saw it.  He shut down the PC and returned to the party with CNK.
• Later on, CNK calls to S1.  CNK is apparently hiding behind the shed and exposes himself to S1.  S1 said he made a face, shrugged, and went back to the party.  S1 didn’t expose himself (which I believe for various reasons) and neither child offered to or asked the other to do anything else to the genital region.
• Shortly thereafter, CNK tells his father that he wants to go get his MP3 player, so he and S1 go to the CNK house to do that.  CNK immediately jumps onto his PC and goes to the porn site.
• S1, knowing that CNK’s grandfather is in the house, tells CNK, “Listen, CNK, you can’t look at this stuff when there is someone in the house.  You’ll get caught.  Let’s leave, now!” They do that and return to the party.
• CNK, knowing his mother has a keylogger on the PC, realizes that he is going to get caught, goes up to the holy-roller mom and confesses to what he did and promptly blames S1 (something else that CNK also commonly does).
• CNK’s mom confronts the PEW.

Now, I’ve warned PEW and begged PEW to cut ties with the next door neighbor and their children.  The family is strange and their children, in particular CNK - are dangerous.  However, because she is lazy and the crazy neighbor children provide her a respite from parenting and giving the kids meaningful attention, she literally forces S1 and S2 to be friends with them, even over the kids’ objections at times.

Further, this is another example to toss on the growing pile of examples which demonstrate PEW’s lack of parenting skills, lack of appropriate supervision, and complete lack of common sense.  In addition to the inappropriate television viewing, too much time watching TV, too much time playing videogames - they have unfettered and unsupervised access to the internet with absolutely zero protection from the garbage that is available for them to discover.

Monday night, I get the following email:

LM,

How was S1?  I really wish I could move but I couldn’t even get what I owe on this house right now.  I checked with my realtor.  I told [Mrs. NDN] (next door neighbor) that I think it’s best if all the kids not play together.  She came over here the other day when we were outside playing.  It’s just not in me to be totally rude.  I think CNK is a liar.  With all of S1’s friends I have never had this problem before.  I’m so upset about this.

~PEW

Cry me a river.  I have no doubt CNK is a liar, but that’s not the issue here.  In fact, it’s totally irrelevant to the situation at hand.  S1 was surfing for porn.  What happened involving CNK doesn’t change that nor should that be the focus.  That’s Mrs. NDN’s problem with which to deal.

I ignored it.

Moving on to my discussion with S1, there were mostly serious moments, but some funny ones, too.  (more…)