The Psycho Ex Wife

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On Thursday, May 28th, 2009, I had the opportunity to have a telephonic “meet and greet” with an expert on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder, Randi Kreger.

From Randi Kreger’s Biography page:

Some 24 million people in North America alone have a family member with Borderline Personality Disorder, a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, behavior, and interpersonal relationships. The illness that causes enormous suffering–not only for those who have it, but for their families as well. Author and BPD advocate Randi Kreger has brought the concerns of these family members to an international forefront.

Kreger was also instrumental in the formation of the Personality Disorders Awareness Network (PDAN), a not-for-profit organization. She speaks and gives workshops about BPD throughout the United States [and abroad].

Many have learned from Randi’s passion and knowledge on the subject of BPD and I can tell you that I am one of them.  In addition to early publications such as:

• Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
• Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living with Someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder

She adds her latest effort: The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I did read and review Stop Walking on Eggshells. (Click the link to read it, I recommended it!)

Our pleasant discussion evolved into a chat of how to further our respective efforts in spreading important information about mental illness (specifically BPD), teaching coping techniques, communication techniques, how to handle children born of a relationship with a BPD, among others.

I am pleased to announce that, along with other contributors, you will soon see guest columns by Randi Kreger appearing here at The Psycho Ex-Wife website.  Randi, as one of the world’s foremost authorities on Borderline Personality Disorder, will provide additional, critical insight for our readers dealing with such a condition in any number of ways.  Further, in conjunction with our soon-to-be launched website, Mr. Custody Coach, expect to participate in teleconferences and workshops with Randi Kreger and others we’re currently lining up!

You can visit Randi Kreger’s website here: BPD Central.  We are pleased to have her “on-board” at The Psycho Ex-Wife and Mr. Custody Coach.

As my job change and relocation sent everything into flux again, one point that the Pscyho Ex-Wife failed to realize is that there was a custody order that was still in place and in full effect.  Until we got to the second custody evaluation, any changes to that order were going to have to happen between us, which as you know, was about as likely as hell freezing over.

As the summer of 2005 approached, the PEW would attempt to get more dictatorial in terms of telling me what the arrangements for the summer would be according to her.  I would stand up to her antics by simply referring to the court order.  Yes… more wasted logic… it would start with her initiating email contact about the summer.

PEW:

As of right now, you’ll be getting the boys for 4 weeks this summer. Let me know which four weeks you want. During that 4 weeks, I’ll do the driving on my 2 weekends. I’ll pick them up and drop them off.

I need to make arrangements for the summer, so you need to let me know when you’ll have them. The first week in July is when I’ll be taking vacation with them, so unfortunately that can’t be one of your weeks. I actually think it would be beneficial for you to call Gloria (CE2) and run it by her. I’m sure she will tell you that 4 weeks in the summer is approximately what you’ll get.

Mister-M:

I need to make arrangements for the Summer, too, and contrary to your mistaken belief, my move to [home-state] doesn’t give you the authority to dictate when and for how long I will see the children…

PEW:

Our current court order states that you have the boys, 3 weekends/month and one or two weeks in the summer (i forget). That is what dictates what you get, how long, and when, until there is another court order in place stating otherwise. Any further questions? As usual, I need to advocate for my children because you are not doing what is best for THEM. As of right now, I act as the primary custodial parent because you moved to [home-state] without consideration to the current court order or for the children. That gives me the right to advocate for them, on their behalf.

Mister-M:

Then starting immediately, as agreed upon in the current order, I will take the boys every weekend except the one weekend per month that you are entitled to as per the agreement.

Also, in keeping with the current custody order, it reads that “Mother’s Day will be spent with the mother.” Therefore, I will dropping the children off on Saturday night, May 7th, in order to keep in compliance with the current custody order. I apologize if this upsets your [vacation] plans, but the order reads what it reads.

So, I will operate on the assumption that, since you want to keep as close to the current custody order as possible and you want S1 to attend the fishing tournament, your one weekend in June will be the weekend of June 3rd.

PEW:

I won’t be home until 4pm on Sunday, so I won’t be here Sat night. I realize you have something else going on Sunday and that’s why you want to drop them off on Sat., but this is what being a parent is all about. Welcome to my world. I won’t be here Saturday.

Ok, now I’m beginning to think you are having a nervous breakdown or something. What is wrong with you?? If you don’t stop I’ll have to call your family and let them know how unstable you are behaving.

Mister-M:

Talk to an attorney. I absolutely did not “give up that right” when I moved.

You did the research and this email contradicts your last one… either the last order remains in force (as you said in your last email) or it doesn’t… or are you going to argue both sides of this fence, too?

If you don’t comply with the existing order, I will simply ask my attorney to move ahead with filing for a contempt hearing. You have experience with those so at least you will know what you’re in for. You really leave me little choice with all of your stonewalling and delay tactics over moving forward with my reasonable request for the Summer schedule.

So, let’s try again, counselor - does the current order remain in force or not? You already said it does and my attorney agrees.

As for this Sunday… Mother’s Day… I am only too happy to spend the day with them. I just needed to make sure that was what you wanted so that we were keeping with the current order. Thank you.

PEW:

move foreward with a contempt hearing, that would be very interesting. I’d love to hear what a judge thinks of you.

I’ve already had an attorney to the tune of $20k because of your refusal to be a reasonable human being. I’m not spending another cent on legal fees.

Mister-M:

Yes, because we all know it’s about money for you, not for me… and in trying to prove that to you… let’s move on with the matter at hand, because I think I can save you even MORE money…

I told you that I was not interested in support from you, only to spend meaningful Summer time with the boys when their school schedule won’t be upset, would you reconsider the last schedule that I have proposed?

PEW:

Ok, now we’re getting to the bottom of this. You think that you won’t have to pay support if the kids spend the summer with you? And you think, I’ll have to pay support to you? Now I realize what this is all about. That is not how it works LM. j

So basically, if you didn’t have to pay child support, they boys would probably never hear from their Dad.

Unlike you, it has nothing to do with the child support. You asked me to show you where I got my information on what is best for children of their ages…I did and you still persist. It’s not in their best interest to spend the WHOLE summer with you. That’s the truth. It has nothing to do with support…..only to you. Your support payment doesn’t cover the expense of having two little boys and raising them. Please don’t make it seem like you are paying some exorbident amount of money in support.

Mister-M:

Actually, no - my guess was that is what you are thinking.

And please, stop with the ongoing exaggerations and embellishments. I would not have them the “whole” Summer. I would have them approximately 20 days in both July and August and you would never be apart from them for a period of longer than 2-weeks.

Also, my actions have repeatedly contradicted your assertions. On every occasion I have faithfully and willingly met my financial obligations in this matter, each time without a court order where other fathers may have sat on their hands. Last Fall, I worked very hard to catch up on what little arrearage there was and did so by year’s end instead of foot-dragging and paying the miniscule figure each week as required by the order. Since the beginning of the year and since my move, I have paid ahead in anticipation of an agreement regarding the required support. And there is no question that no matter the time I spend with the children this Summer, I am required to and am willing and happy to continue to meet my financial obligations where the children are concerned. That has never been an issue with me.

This has NEVER been about money for me. This has ALWAYS been about spending the maximum amount of time with the children without upsetting their school schedule.

As for what is in the best interests of the children, I assure you that I can find at least as many supporting articles and studies that support the School/Summer schedule(s) that I have proposed. Further, and I repeat, the very psychologist that the boys just saw, Dr. JB, and others that I have spoken with - recommend the same, particularly given that our proximity from one another is only 3-4 hours.

Sometimes I think you believe that if you tell yourself these same embellishments enough… “the whole Summer” and “you don’t want to pay support” - that they will somehow become the truth. They won’t and evidence will continue to refute your oft-repeated claims.

Despite your desire to portray me otherwise, I have always been a fantastic father to those boys and will continue to be so to the best of my ability given the circumstances and despite your repeated barrages of insults, guilt-trip attempts, and other antics. Why you persist on working so hard to significantly limit the amount of time I get to spend with them and they with me while hiding behind your unsupportable claims that it’s “in the best interests of the children” - I will never understand.

PEW:

Who else besides Dr. JB, thinks that the boys should spend the summer with you? And I am calling him this second to verify that this is his opinion.

Mister-M:

As for what is in the best interests of the children, I assure you that I can find at least as many supporting articles and studies that support the School/Summer schedule(s) that I have proposed. Further, and I repeat, the very psychologist that the boys just saw, Dr. JB, and others that I have spoken with - recommend the same, particularly given that our proximity from one another is only 3-4 hours.

PEW:

I spoke to Dr. JB and he said “I made no such recommendation” “anything that is not in writing from me is merely here say” Ok, so you can stop using Dr.JB

Mister-M:

You are correct, “recommend” was not the appropriate word and I apologize for that. Supporter-of would have been a more appropriate description of our discussion… in cases where both parents are fit, care about their children, and have distance between them.

He certainly has made no “recommendations” where we are concerned and I should not have used that word. Sorry about that.

PEW:

Who else is in “support of” your proposal? Give me three actual names of people. Not counting you and DW, those are the ONLY two names you’ll be able to come up with. Dr. JB is not in support of your plan for the summer. He would need to meet with us and use evaluation guidelines in order to make an informed proffessional opinion.

That is pretty much where the debate ended.  Mixed amongst the emails were links traded supporting our respective claims.  In my biased opinion, my links were from much more reputable sources than hers (of course).

This is how some debates would end so abruptly.  I would simply give her the option of picking which side of her own conflicting arguments she was going to live by, because living by BOTH wouldn’t work.  Whether it’s following a court order… or it’s clear who is all about the money… when faced with the stark reality that she was arguing both sides of the issue - her brain wiring would short-circuit and she would bail on the discussion.  I gave her the option - follow the court order as it currently exists or make alterations that would give me more parenting time in the summer.  The option that I would not agree to is one that afforded me less time with the children.

And, of course, you’ll probably recognize all of the usual types of accusations, projection, threats, etc.  If you’re dealing with a psycho ex, you’ve seen most, if not all, of this before.  Good grief, she didn’t even want the children for Mother’s Day.

—–

It was also at this time that one of the early problems arose between PEW I regarding S1’s dramatically increasing weight, detail in “Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms” posts.

One evening late last week, my phone rang.  I was surprised to see my tax preparer’s name pop up on my display.  My taxes are done.  Refunds paid.  Pretty straightforward, single W-2 easy squeezy tax return year.

I came to know of “Pete” the tax preparer through a friend.  Pete is somewhere on the top side of 70 and he is a retired accountant and tax preparer.  One of the nicest, most pleasant men you would ever want to meet.  As sharp as anyone I know.  He and his wife are great people.  He is also extremely informative and helpful when it comes to taxes and tax prep.

I answer the phone pleasantly enough only to be greeted with what was a mild panic attack on the part of Pete.  It seems he was on vacation for the prior couple of weeks with his wife.  He returned to find a DHL Express Letter at his door-step.  Inside, a subpoena to appear and testify at the hearing which had already passed a week earlier.  Poor guy.

He was upset and thought he might be in trouble for not appearing, repeatedly explaining he was on vacation.  I managed to calm him down by explaining that the matter was continued until a later date and that he would be in no trouble.  (I’m guessing he had never been subpoenaed before.)

He asked the obvious questions and his panic turned quickly to irritation.  Why was he needed?  What the hell information could he provide?  I asked to speak frankly and he gave me the green light.  So, I replied, “Quite simply, Pete, my ex-wife is a crazy bitch and I’m very sorry that you’ve been bothered with my personal mess.  She thinks I have some hidden income and I guess her and her attorney believe that you are privy to such information despite being provided a W-2 and a copy of my tax return.” He agreed that he has nothing to testify about that isn’t on the tax return and was going to call PEW’s attorney and tell her so.

After some idle chit-chat, we hung up.  I hope he is still my tax preparer when I call him again next year.  I haven’t heard from the friend from whom I got the referral and I’ll just hope that word doesn’t get back to her.  I’m sure that this guy doesn’t need this kind of stress.

The collateral damage a PEW can cause is limitless.  She has twice failed in her attempts to prove to the court that I have “hidden income.”  That’s because I don’t have any hidden income.  My bank accounts and debt load is a testament to that reality.  It does still astound me the expense she will incur to embark on this journey a third time given her financial predicament.  What’s really astounding is that her scumbag attorney, Bulldog, will extract fees from PEW rather than tell her, “PEW, it’s very likely that this layoff situation is a temporary predicament.  This isn’t going to cost you a whole lot of money to do this by the book, after all, your children are entitled to your financial assistance in these troubled times.” Okay, I can actually hear some of you laughing at that last part.  Trust me, though, there are some good attorneys out there who would give you the straight scoop on where you stand.  I have one of them.  I wonder how long it will be before this one bails on her client?

Leave it to PEW to think a life-long accountant and tax-preparer would risk fraud and the wrath of the IRS for doing a $200 basic tax return.

The arguing raged on as we discussed the preliminaries with regard to custody evaluation #2.

The following email is chopped as I was addressing each of her points. Follow along…

PEW:

This is the nationally recommended arrangement for children of [the boys'] ages.

“SUMMER VISITATION: The non-custodial parent shall have four (4) weeks visitation with the minor children, starting the week of July 1st. The custodial parent shall have two weekend visitation periods during those four weeks.”

Mister-M:

“Nationally recommended?” By whom is this recommended? Between the loads of case-law contradicting your source for a “national recommendation” and the input of Dr. JB (among others)… I’m curious the source of your “national recommendation.” At least I had the courtesy of providing you reliable sources.

PEW:

This is what is recommended for their age group. I will not, will not will not be bullied by you. You are wrong and you are going to traumatize the kids.

Mister-M:

I am not “bullying” you. I’ve given you no fewer than three options for consideration. The only one doing the bullying here is you with the latest in a long line of “my way or the highway” responses to legitimate requests for custody arrangements.

If, as usual, you are unwilling to consider a number of different options, that’s your choice. I cannot and will not “force” you to do anything.

PEW:

She didn’t give it to you, she recommended it……when you were living around the corner not 400 miles away.

Mister-M:

You keep saying that, but if you look at it realistically - the distance is of no consideration in that regard. If the recommendation is that you have the kids “X” number of days during the Summer months and I have the kids as primary custodian during those same months, they are still with us at our homes the same periods of time. Mileage has little to do with the “trauma” you assert the children will “suffer.”

Think about it…

If I was in [custody-state] and I had the children 20 days and you 10 days, I have them 20 and you 10.

If I was in [home-state] and I had the children 20 days and you 10 days, I have them 20 and you 10.

You keep bringing up the different state and yet repeatedly fail to explain how the distance changes the amount of time spent with each parent. Further, you fail to explain how spending time with a caring, loving father for more than every other weekend suddenly becomes “traumatizing” to the children.

PEW:

We’ll see what this most recent evaluator has to say about it. Sandy [CE1] thought you were “overbearing and controlling”….wow, she saw right through your act.

Mister-M:

I see… so only those who agree with your unfounded accusations “see through my act.” Those who disagree with you are being “snowed” by me. Same story, different day, as usual.

PEW:

LM, all you care about is yourself. That’s all you’ve ever cared about. If you’ve done the research that I suggested you do, you would have found out that 4 weeks in the summer is all you are going to wind up with. I WAS offering you a far more generous portion of the summer, but as usual, you are selfish….and GREEDY.

Mister-M:

Your repeated assertions that my desire to spend time with my children is “greedy and selfish” doesn’t make it reality. Of particular irony is that you would have primary custody for 10-months of the year, I am asking to spend primary time with them for 2-months of the year, and yet YOU are sitting there telling me that I am the “greedy and selfish” one.

PEW:

If you really gave a shit about the kids, you wouldn’t have shacked up with DW after knowing her all of 4 months. You are a disgrace, you know it, I know it, everybody knows it. You are terrible. The only way you will ever redeem your pathetic self is to move back to [custody-state] and be a father to these boys.

Mister-M:

More verbal assaults from you. More contradiction to your oft-repeated claims that you don’t “hate” and want to move on in the best interests of the children. As has always been the case, you cannot control your impulse to mentally abuse and verbally assault me.

PEW:

You are not going to make me and the boys suffer because of your selfish, one sided decisions.

Mister-M:

My desire to spend the Summer months is not selfish. It is not intended to make anyone suffer, certainly not the boys and absolutely not you.

PEW:

Don’t email me this crap anymore, if you were so concerned about S1’s weight you’d be up here, helping him learn how to play some sports or something.

Mister-M:

For the entirety of their lives on this earth I have begged and pleaded with you to establish good eating habits and you never did. And, as with everything else in your life, you will blame someone else for this, too. I’m guessing my moving to [home-state] retroactively impacted the ability of you and your family to control the type of junk that our children eat.

PEW:

They need you and you just left them, two weeks notice…….gone. How do you live with yourself?? Seriously, do you sleep at night? I know you don’t care about me, you never have, but you freaking just upped and LEFT your kids for a woman. I can’t believe you….I really really can’t believe you have the GALL to say anything to me and especially give me all this grief over the summer. I am a parent 24/7. I do it ALL. What do you do? Are you reading books every night, taking them to the park, bathing them, taking them to buy new shoes, toys, dropping them off at school……no you’re not. I’m here for them. I live and breathe these two kids. Every decision I make, I consider them. Do you, you loser? You are a sick, sick person and you need Psychotherapy desperately…..take some of that money you got from selling the house and get some therapy….YOU NEED IT.

Mister-M:

You just can’t stop, can you? You just can’t stop your abusive and harassing ways. In one breath you’re telling me that I am doing nothing for the children… all while stonewalling and putting up roadblocks that will prevent me from doing all of those things you allege that I don’t do and the boys need. Another interesting contradiction.

Yes, I read them books every night I have them, just like you do.

Yes, I take them to the park, just like you do. I take them for walks. I do lots of stuff with them.

No, I don’t currently drop them off at school. And even if I lived in [custody-state], given my very limited options of living locale, I very, very likely wouldn’t be dropping them off at school there, either.

Also, I feed them appropriately and do not over-snack them. I also get them to bed at an hour that is reasonable for a 6-year old and a 3-year old. Getting a good night’s sleep also helps with their disposition during the day.

You really need to get the name-calling and insulting behavior under control, PEW. It’s completely unnecessary and not relevant to a discussion between the two of us regarding the custody arrangements. I wasn’t insulting to you nor calling you names and yet you come back at me with this. But that’s what I get for trying to break through the impasse.

Does the word “AUDACITY” come to mind as you read that exchange?  It’s certainly nothing new to anyone reading this blog regularly.  She accepts zero responsibility for anything.  Everything I do is selfishly motivated whereas everything she does qualifies her as a martyr.  She “lives and breathes” these kids?  A little creepy and over-the-top, don’t you think?  Sadly, it’s not uncommon amongst people like the psycho ex-wife.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have told poor Mister-M to shut the hell up, he was wasting his keystrokes, his logic, his argument on someone like her.  She simply doesn’t care, nevermind that she simply has no ability to comprehend just how insane her argument is.

She was clearly desperate to have me leave DW and move back to be closer to her.  Nothing would satiate a psycho ex-wife of any sort than to have their ex-spouse under complete command and control.  All of the control over the ex with none of the responsibilities and efforts that are part of what I perceive to be a normal marriage.  It’s why I speak so often of “the entitled mother.”  It’s maternal gatekeeping of the highest order.

I’ve already explained how the custody evaluation process (allegedly) works in a post that preceded the story surrounding custody evaluation #1.  Nothing has changed.  We were ordered to go through another full custody evaluation.  The reason?  My job change and relocation constituted a change in circumstances which necessitated us going through the county run Custody Evaluation, Inc. by referral of the county run family court cartel.  The conflict or one-hand washing the other or whatever you want to call it isn’t even well-hidden.  It’s a money-sapping, time-wasting effort designed to separate you from as much money as you have (and then some).  It’s late April 2005.

With PEW moving into her new, single-family home in the very near future at this point, she was crying poor.  She could barely afford the $35 registration fee.

LM,

I don’t have the money for Custody Evaluations, Inc. I can send the $35.00, but that’s it. I make settlement on my house May 18th. Sorry.

You can consider this though. Every other weekend, during the school year and I’ll meet you when it’s possible for me to do so.

During the summer, two weeks with you, two weeks with me and I’ll drive one way each time. I can be flexible on which weeks so you can have your preference. Also, I’ll give you Christmas vacation each year and spring break.

LM, I really hope we can do this. Please be fair.

Have you called them to check on the status of our evaluation? We should have had a start date by now, don’t you think? We’re going to be into May next week.

~PEW

Please be fair. Ugh. Hypocrite.  I hadn’t yet called, but she did…

LM,

Bad news….our case was assigned to [Gloria Soandso]? (not sure about the spelling of the last name) I spoke to her today and she said the evaluation is going to take about six weeks, then six weeks to complete the report, so we’ll be into July before it’s completed. So what do we do till then?

~PEW

I guess we fight.  That’s all she seems to want to do and asking for a reversal of custody for the summer when she was having them as primary during the school year was “unfair” I suppose.  We had requested a compacted evaluation, which would mean condensing the usual 6 or so sessions into a much shorter schedule.

PEW,

What happened to our request for a compacted evaluation? It’s supposed to only take a couple of days and a report is filed immediately after.

I’ll have to call Gloria, I suppose, and find out.

~LM

Now, I’m starting to go from 0-to-paranoid fairly quickly. I make the calls, PEW gets the calls-back. It wouldn’t be the only time.

LM,

I got a message from Gloria. She said we don’t qualify for an expedited evaluation, just a compacted evaluation. It’s something like $700.00 total each. I don’t have it LM. i make settlement on May 18th and I need every penny that I have right now. I’ll tell her that tomorrow when I call.

~PEW

Of course you don’t. You never seem to have money for anything. Well, except attorneys for all of your frivolous filings, injunctions, petitions, etc. I replied, “I will consult with my attorney and will discuss paying your portion of any required fee for expediting the process.” I only offered because I didn’t want this dragging out into the next school year. I wanted a decision done so that appropriate arrangements could be made regardless of the outcome.

PEW,

I was just reviewing my notes from the evaluator’s report from the Fall sessions. [Sandy's] recommendation was as follows:

Father would have the boys for 3 weekends every month (Friday night until Sunday night) during the school year. The weekend that the boys were with the Mother, the Father would be permitted 1 “dinner-visit” during that week. Once school was completed, the schedule would reverse with the mother having the children 3 weekends per month (Friday night until Sunday night). However, different from the school year schedule, the weekend the boys were with the Father, the mother would be permitted 1 “overnight” visit during that week.

You should consider that had I stayed in the area, and the evaluator’s recommendation were followed, you would actually have the children LESS nights that the last proposal that I gave you earlier this month. I know that this likely doesn’t matter one iota to you, but just like you, I would certainly love to spare us the expense and time of another evaluation and another court visit, and still fail to see how you can find a way to classify my desire to spend more time with the boys over the course of 2 months out of 12 during the year is “unreasonable.”

Please reconsider. The boys deserve to spend some meaningful time with me at a point in time where it won’t upset their school schedule and such. Trust me when I tell you that I know just how hard it is to be without them for extended periods of time, but it is something we simply must contend with in the aftermath of the divorce.

~LM

My notes were actually incorrect. Sandy’s recommendation didn’t actually afford me that much time in the summer, not that it mattered.

LM,

Here is what I would like you to do. Search the internet for information on custody arrangements and the effects on the children. The arrangement you propose is going to be very stressful for them. That is what you will find. I can imagine how much you miss them, but I’ll tell you this they will NOT be happy with what you are proposing. Think about them LM. My proposal gives you two weeks at a time with them.

~PEW

I still sometimes wonder how some mothers believe that having a desire for more parental time with one’s own children, still significantly less than the mother, requires the father to “think about them?” How come the mother never “thinks about them” when they’re pushing and pushing and pushing to minimize the time with their father? Hmmm…

PEW,

#1 - If it is so stressful to children - why would a qualified custody evaluator make the recommendation that would give me primary custody during the Summer months?

#2 - I spoke to Dr. JB (the doctor YOU chose during S1’s latest sessions), and he is absolutely in favor of the same custody arrangement that was suggested. In fact, he stated specifically that “many” of the families with whom he deals regularly have such arrangements and many of them are further away that you and I are. He is not the only psychologist I have spoken to directly about these matters. Both said that “as much signficant time as possible with the father is absolutely essential to ensure that these boys grow up well-adjusted.” Dr. JB said specifically that the “Summer with father arrangement” when there is distance between the parents is not unusual.

#3 - “….when the non-custodial parent is perceived as “lost,” the young adult is more depressed. When a divorce occurs, the perception of the non-custodial father has been shown to change in a negative direction, while the perception of the mother (whether custodian-custodial) remains relatively stable. “

“Because divorce is a process, not an isolated event, the effects of the divorce may be cumulative and early intervention would therefore be beneficial.

The continued involvement of the non-custodial parent in the child’s life appears crucial in preventing an intense sense of loss in the child…. The importance of the relationship with the non-custodial parent may also have implications for the legal issues of custodial arrangements and visitation. The results of this study indicate that arrangements where both parents are equally involved with the child are optimal. When this type of arrangement is not possible, the child’s continued relationship with the non-custodial parent remains essential.”

Young Adult Children of Divorced Parents: Depression and the Perception of Loss, Rebecca L. Drill, Ph.D., Harvard University. Journal of Divorce, V. 10, #1/2, Fall/Winter 1986

#4 - Vulnerability to Illness Children who live apart from their biological father had:
· 20-30% higher health vulnerability rations and
· 50% higher incidence of asthma 1988 National Health Interview Survey (Dawson 1991)
(17,110 children in national sample)

#5 - Higher Use of Alcohol and Other Drugs At 15 Years, children in the study who did not live with their natural fathers were 4.3 times more likely to smoke. This was the strongest association seen in a multivariate analysis which included many other variables including residence, mobility, ethnicity, SES, family size, etc. 18 year longitudinal study of all newborns in the one hospital for a town in New Zealand.
(Stanton, Oci & Silva, 1994)

>>>It also doesn’t help that you smoke and that they know you smoke and you smoke in front of them. <<<

#6 - Children in father-absent families had higher risk of drug and alcohol use. 1993 U.S. DHHS Child Health Survey

#7 - Educational Problems Children not living with their biological father were:
· 40% more likely to repeat a grade
· 70% more likely to be expelled 1988 National Health Interview Survey (Dawson 1991)

PEW - this is just a tip of the iceberg. I won’t bombard with the depth of information that I have found. I assure you that by limiting my involvement with them you are doing both yourself AND the children a huge disservice. I want to spend time with my children. I’m sure you feel no guilt over the fact that S1 cries and tells me how he wishes he could spend more time with me.

The FACTS are, PEW, that children spending as much time as can be reasonably arranged has been proven time and time again to be beneficial across so many categories. So, I don’t know where you’re looking and frankly, I really don’t care. I’ve spoken to two doctors, one of whom has direct interaction with our children, and the consensus is consistent… particularly when there is distance involved.

Let me not even get started burying you in case-law that supports situations where distance is involved and both parents are fit - it is usual and customary to give the mother primary custody during the school months and the father primary custody during the summer months.

You don’t want to be convinced, and it is becoming quite evident that nothing I can provide you will change your mindset. I would suggest that you call Dr. JB, but I’m guessing that because you might hear something that contradicts your assertions, you probably won’t.

Also, an unsolicited suggestion on S1s eating habits and potential for diabetes…

1) Don’t put it on a 6-year old. Telling him not to eat stuff in an effort to prevent diabetes won’t get it done. Don’t buy stuff that isn’t good for him. If you have cause to have chocolate or candy or other sugary snacks around - put them where he can’t get unfettered access to them.

2) Tell your family the same.

3) I’ve been telling you these things for years not as a criticism of you, but as a genuine, significant, and serious concern for both boys’ well-being. I hope you and your family will heed the warnings before it’s too late. For S1’s sake at least.

~LM

Of course, when it comes to information on the internet, one can find arguments (oftentimes from suspect sources) that say more time is beneficial and more time is detrimental.  At least I gave it a shot.

More of this debate to come…