We wrapped up Part I of the bullying issue with a pleasant reply from Mrs. Principal. This is the conclusion. After Mrs. Principal sent that rather friendly and informative email, I get the spazz from the Psycho Ex-Wife:
LM,
Ok, now I’m mad. McBully is saying S2 is bullying him. I hardly believe that.
~PEW
Not MY son!!! Oh please, let’s at least consider that this could very well be a mutual torture session. Consider it. That’s all.
I had prepared an email to send to Mrs. Principal and was going to share it with PEW before sending it. At the very same time, PEW prepared an email and sent it at precisely the same time as I sent her mine to review before I sent it. Here’s the difference between the two…
From PEW:
Mrs. Principal,
I did read in the paper that you were [out of town] accepting an award for the school. That was very nice. Congratulations. I’m glad you returned safely.
[Mister-M] will actually be handling this problem from now on, because I don’t feel like I can be un-emotional about it anymore.
I’m glad you are going to look into the situation for us, but I have to be honest, when I read this email it sounds like you kind of think S2 is making this stuff up. As far as S2 bullying McBully, I’m sorry, but I don’t believe it for one second. S2 is not an aggressive child. I know he made that terrible comment last week but as far as being physically aggressive with other children, I never see that behavior from S2. If he has been aggressive at school, I have never received a phone call about S2 hitting anyone since Kindergarten I think. As far as the incident with the thumbtacks….it was not in the classroom, I don’t know where it was, but I’m not sure why S2 would fabricate a story about Johnny McBully pushing him and him hitting his back on “something” sticking out of the wall. In addition, the recess assistants were not involved because S2 didn’t tell.
I have seen McBully several times with my own eyes in the midst of tantrums at school…..I don’t know if it’s an emotional issue or behavioral issue or whatever, but my son S2 has been crying and upset for the past two months over “whatever” is going on with McBully and it’s going to be a HUGE problem if we can’t resolve it. To me the answer is simple, they should stay away from each other completely. They don’t need to be friends…..we don’t even need to figure out WHY they don’t like each other. Thanks Mrs. Principal.
~PEW
What I sent, of course, was much different. It went after a PEW review which was done for nothing more than common courtesy and being on the same page on this issue. I didn’t want to each be independently trying to have it addressed, which frankly would have sucked for the teachers and staff.
From LM:
Mrs. Principal,
While I appreciate the feedback you have provided on this ongoing situation, the last thing I want to see is this devolve into a “S2-said/McBully-said” situation. I will preface the rest of my comments by saying that I understand that S2 is by no means perfect and there have been separate issues with which we’ve had to deal during the school year. Separately, the name Johnny McBully seems to be a common, recurring one in our dialogue and none of it in a positive way.
I’m not comfortable condemning a child, but I must let you know that the reputation I’m getting second-hand is that McBully is a bully and a regular problem at the school and at aftercare. I’ve had enough of hearing about these situations and have an expectation for a much more effective solution than those that I’ve heard about in the past (again, second-hand). As occurred on Monday this week, I never want to have to pick up S2 from school, ask him how his day was and have him tell me, “My life sucks” and when I ask him why, I hear, “Johnny McBully again” followed by another story of bullying or near bullying.
- My understanding is that the tack/board pushing situation didn’t occur in Mrs. S2Teacher’s class, but involved a board somewhere on the way to recess.
- I’ve had to deal with stories of S2 being kicked, punched, and shoved to the ground prior to entering the lunchroom, and McBully’s sanction was to be seated somewhere away from S2.
- I’ve listened to S2 tell me about how he doesn’t play with some of his usual friends anymore on recess in efforts to avoid McBully who may also be involved in the games.
- I’ve heard stories from other students who seem to indicate that McBully actively seeks out not only S2, but others for harassment and deliberately puts himself in places where he can be “contacted” so that things can be made to escalate. (I’ve heard this at aftercare.)
- There are other stories involving kicking, punching, and shoving on the part of McBully.
- Worthy of note, I’ve gotten no calls or emails from the school regarding reports of McBully, teachers, or McBully’s mom or dad claiming that S2 has been bullying him. However, this isn’t the first time we’ve inquired about Johnny McBully.
The temporary solution that I’ve urged S2 to follow is avoidance. He is to get a teacher if he is approached by McBully for any reason so that there is no chance that he can be accused of initiating anything. However, that doesn’t address what I believe is the root-cause of the problem as I am to understand it second-hand. No child should have to actively prepare his day with the thought of having to avoid a bully. If there is bullying going on on either side, it is my expectation that punishment will be swift and severe. I will not tolerate physical assaults perpetrated on my children nor perpetrated by my children. I don’t want this affecting his schoolwork. Now I’m going to cut everyone a little slack and say that while I’m sure that there is McBully’s version, S2’s version, and somewhere in between perhaps rests the truth, I will offer you this thought as we work towards a solution:
S2’s fear and upset is very real and not a fabrication or an embellishment. That, I see first-hand and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about it. I was not happy when I picked him up from school on Monday to hear him tell me that his life sucks because of Johnny McBully. It may mean that they cannot be friends, but they will keep their hands off of other people. If they do not, I am prepared for whatever consequences that will come as a result of anything S2 may initiate and I’ve been very clear to him that this matter is very serious and that I better never learn of him having initiated anything from here on out.
While the “tone” of my reply may not indicate so, I assure you that I have an open-mind with regard to seeking a resolution or other effort to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. However, I won’t have much more patience should future situations arise. I’m giving everybody the benefit of the doubt.
Please make sure that I am copied on any further correspondence on this issue and you can call me any time at [my phone number].
Sincerely,
Mister-M
After the PEW review, she wrote back to me, “You shoulda been a lawyer.” She then tried to “recall” her email to Mrs. Principal, which I thought was hysterical. Does that even really work? All I know is that I got a follow-up email that read, “PEW would like to recall the email: Blah, blah, blah.”
Interestingly, aside from the defensive “not my son” position, you’ll notice that she jumped from the proverbial airplane and pulled her parachute without so much as letting me know. She bails out and puts me right on the hook in this situation because she can’t control herself and SAYS SO right in her email to Mrs. Principal. That’s fine with me, mind you, but just in case you ever see fit to question my claims that she can’t handle the children nor anything relating to them in a meaningful way - just put this in your evidence folder. If it doesn’t involve buying them toys and gifts and staying “buddies” with them, she’s not prepared to handle anything serious.
To the both of us, Mrs. Principal replies:
Mister-M & PEW,
I appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns as I believe communication is the key to developing a supportive and positive partnership focused on the best interests of all of our students. While email is quite convenient, one runs the risk of their intended message being misunderstood by the reader due to misinterpretation of the writer’s tone. I simply shared Mrs. S2Teacher’s feedback in my previous email because I wanted you to know that my staff attempted to address this issue when it was brought to their attention. In no way was that information meant to negate the validity of the concerns S2 has shared with you or to indicate that any conclusions regarding this matter had already been drawn. Again, I apologize that business-related travel prevented me from speaking with you personally or over the phone on Monday morning.
Thank you and I look forward to speaking with you over the telephone tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Principal
Of course, all PEW had to do to get the details was ask S2, which is what I did. Then, rather than intimate that there was disbelief on the part of anyone or the implication that S2 was lying, she could have done as I did - and simply state the facts as you actually know them (the push into the thumbtack board occurred elsewhere).
Mrs. Principal called me and we had a very pleasant discussion. It is summarized in my follow-up email to PEW…
PEW,
Spoke with Mrs. Principal this morning. Long and short of the situation is that it appears that “somewhere in the middle is the truth.” I’m sure she’s filled you in already (or will shortly), but based on interviews with all the boys (S2, McBully, Bestbuddy, Defender, and some others) as well as staff (including aftercare) - what is apparently happening is that playtime escalates into confrontation.
It would seem that S2 and Bestbuddy are the “popular kids” with whom everyone wants to play and they sometimes use that “power” to turn people away who are eager to play with them, not necessarily in a nice way. In other words, they “know” they’re popular and make themselves unapproachable or unavailable when the mood suits them. This causes ill-feelings which ultimately escalate into something more.
I am told that both McBully and S2 say that sometimes they play nice and sometimes they want nothing to do with one another.
So, at this time, I suggested and was promised close monitoring of the situation by all staff and I promised to address this improper use of their reported “popularity” on the home front. Sounds like all the kids need lessons in keeping things friendly and not being mean to one another when things don’t go their way. They also need to be more respectful in declining play with others and not using it as a weapon to be a jerk. Others need to be taught the importance of “hands-off” and treated with appropriate consequences for failing to abide by that.
~LM
Now, if there is a next time that involves a physical altercation, my expectation is that if it involves any of these boys - there will be meaningful punishment. Based on my discussion with S2, there seems to be an understand that there is a higher level of seriousness given all of the people who had to be involved in getting to the bottom of the matter. Of course, PEW wants to continue to go “not my son” on the issue…
LM,
I think she thinks we are stupid….S1 is popular….S2 is not, but Bestbuddy is popular and is good friends with Donny Defender (they live in the same apartment complex) and McBully is friends with Defender. It may have to do with S2 wanting to play with Bestbuddy but not Defender or McBully (who are both a little on the weird side). Maybe she just didn’t want to say it like that. I know Bestbuddy is a very nice kid, he’s not mean to anyone and seems to have a high tolerance for more difficult kids, whereas S2 does not. I think there’s some jealousy going on there too and I think that’s why he said what he said to Someonelse last week when he was playing with Blackkid. I think he doesn’t want his friends playing with kids he doesn’t like.
If your comfortable that S2 isn’t going to be subjected to any more abuse by this kid then I guess I’m comfortable too…..but I wouldn’t put much stock in Mrs. Principal saying S2 is abusing his popularity because I KNOW that is not the case. She’s either mis-informed or bullshitting her way through a difficult situation….I think I would know if my kid is popular. Kids flock around S1…call for playdates for S1…write him letters, etc…etc….. That’s not S2’s reality unfortunately.
~PEW
Really, who gives a shit, PEW? The situation has been addressed and I don’t care about the inconsequential details. Of course, she again is making fun of some of the children in her email, questions the authority’s assessment of the situation, and basically wants to absolve S2 of any culpability for how things have unfolded. Same story, different day. What a childish buffoon. How the hell would she even know what the hierarchy of popularity is at the school, at recess, at aftercare? I’m not sure which is creepier - the likelihood that she has no idea and talks as if she does… or, that she actually does know.
I put a great deal of stock in what Mrs. Principal has said because it is based upon the information she gleaned from her interviews with the children themselves. The bottom line, though, is none of that detail really matters to me, only that any future situations that occur are handled in a manner that is satisfactory to me, whether the trouble-starter is my son or someone else.
PEW,
I guess the proof will be in how situations are handled from here on out. I think we prompted action, they interviewed the players, and have notified those charged with watching over everything. All we can do at this point is play “wait and see.”
Challenging her conclusions won’t accomplish anything.
~LM
That is all I’ll have to say on the matter and I didn’t receive a reply to that last email, thankfully. I’m pleased to report that in the weeks since the get-together with the children on the matter, I’ve gotten nothing but good reports from S2.
