The Psycho Ex Wife

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It’s my new acronym for one of the most despised phrases I hear in divorce and family court (as well as debate and discussion all around the internet on the same subjects):

BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN

So now, more often than not, when I hear someone say, “best interests of the children” - what I hear is, “SHUT UP, BIOTCH!”

It’s the phrase I see most often used to disarm legitimate concerns on a myriad of subjects. It’s the phrase I most see most often used to justify some of the crazy decisions I’ve seen or read about in divorce and family court all over the world.

As per the equitable distribution agreement, we exchanged vehicles with my taking possession of the van and PEW taking possession of the car. This took place shortly after Christmas of 2004.  As part of that agreement, I agreed to “warranty” the car for a period of 90-days for any necessary repairs.  This didn’t include routine maintenance.  It meant if something broke, I would pay to have it fixed.

I was having no problems with the car at all.  I had just put brakes on it about 9-months prior.  I even gave her the receipt and warranty for the brakes (lifetime).  The van, on the other hand, needed brakes.  She also hadn’t had the oil changed the entire time she had it since the separation!  The van wasn’t even 2-years old when she left and she drove over 10,000-miles and nearly 9-months without doing a single thing in terms of routine maintenance on the van.  Not even washer fluid.  Looking back, this whole warranty and worrying about the car issue was just another form of projection.  She turned over a 2-year old van in a state of disrepair and had the nerve to demand that I give her a 90-day warranty on a car that was 7-years old.   I was pretty darn good about routine maintenance.  Always was.  It’s probably the easiest way to make your car last.  Not PEW.  Of course, I had no way of knowing this prior to signing that agreement.  Shame on me for thinking she would care for a vehicle that was still quite young.

It wasn’t but a few days before PEW was complaining about the car, starting with a random unsolicited email.

LM - I’m sure you know this already but that car sucks in the snow. I could barely make it up the slightest hills on my way home from work. What truly sucks is that I can’t even trade it in and get a new car until we make settlement on the house.

~PEW

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. Her choice, someone else’s fault. Par for the course. She had to have that $5,000 cash! My reply to her was an early attempt at low-contact without actually having learned about this process yet. I just didn’t want to hear her complaints anymore. I told her not to contact me about anything unless it had to do with the kids.

LM,

Listen I am allowed to contact you regarding issues with the kids. You are the one who starts threatening and cursing. I should have a restraining order against you. Which may happen if you continue.

The car does concern the kids because I am the one carting them back and forth to and from school. Tell me you didn’t know that the car’s low coolant light was coming on? The window washers weren’t working? Power door locks?

I had the kids 18 days in december….and 17 or 18 days in Jan. THat is what we agreed on and that being the case the support should be more. Especially considering that you pay nothing towards clothing them or schooling etc…. And you’re so broke already right? Am I going to expect that you are suddenly going to start putting anything towards the extra stuff?

~PEW

An agreement doesn’t resolve matters, it gives the PEW an excuse to escalate about anything and everything. Every disagreement is met with an accusation of screaming and cursing even though it’s completely fictional. I knew nothing of a coolant light coming on. The power door locks worked fine (sometimes they wouldn’t respond to the remote) and I knew nothing of windshield washers not working.

This would also mark the first documented threat of going for the child-support increase she said she wasn’t going to pursue (to go along with the regular face-to-face and phone threats). Interestingly, she bolsters her argument by telling me how many days she had the boys in December, failing to consider that we had swapped some days (with me on the short-end as usual) so that I could attend the out-of-state wedding of a close relative.

At the time, the boys were going to school in my district, to which she contributed nothing. I paid for that. S2 was going to a pre-K3 class, completely unnecessary, and that was on her dime by choice. As for clothing them… I suppose she must have thought that they were nude when they were with me. My reply:

PEW,

Listen - You are not to call me and harrangue me about issues and tell me that you feel ripped off because you can’t live with the consequences of your decisions. I will now hang up on you every time.

Did you check to see if the windshield washer fluid is full? You know, they were working for me prior to giving the car over to you. No, the low coolant light wasn’t coming on… but it was in the van when I got it. You did absolutely no maintenance on it. Don’t complain to me about little crap. You missed TWO oil changes, the air filter was clogged solid. The tire pressure was dangerously low. The coolant level was low. It needs brakes AND… as it’s been since we bought the truck, the “clicker” works about only 50% of the time. Also, the bells start ringing everytime I make a right-hand turn. Tell me… you didn’t know about any of this?

The car doesn’t overheat. The washers work. The power door locks… work. Sometimes the clicker is a pain in the ass… just like it is with the van. If you want a demonstration on the van, just let me know and we can make arrangements. If the car needs coolant… ADD SOME. If the car needs washer fluid ADD SOME. This is what normal people do.

You had them 18 days in December because of arrangements made for Christmas and New Years. Typical of your greedy self to now use this to extort more money from me. If that is too much time for you, and based upon your panic call (again) regarding not being able to handle your kids… you just say the word and I’ll be glad to take them 50% of the time OR MORE… again. If you want to go to court… as always… just say the word, I have no problem with that.

What I really strongly suggest is that you get on with your life and stop trying to start arguments. We’re just about divorced and this divorce isn’t going to be “living separate” while you retain all of the argumentative and trash-mouth “priveleges” you had when we were married.

There will be no more arguing. If you have something to discuss beyond the kids and wish to do so NICELY… feel free to call me. Otherwise, find someone else to fight with. I’m not yours to fight with anymore.

~LM

Yes, along with the car complaint, she called for me again to do phone discipline because she “can’t handle the kids.” This is something that she has always done.

LM,

And besides, you even admitted to me that the PFA was total bullshit and a lie. I still can’t believe you did that to me.

~PEW

Huh?!?! You would think that the break-in, the fighting, the lying, and the trying to goad me into a physical confrontation after talking about suicide the night before just never happened. It can be quite unnerving and can knock you off of your normalcy when she just comes out with stuff like this. But, much like almost any argument, she loved dragging subjects that weren’t relevant to the issue that she initially brought up. Once she set the hook in my cheek, the game for her was in the reeling me in and getting me onto the boat!

PEW,

I admitted no such thing with regard to the PFA. What happened, happened. I have proof. And it doesn’t get fixed because it is obvious that you cannot control your ongoing harassing and abusive behavior. You continue to call and argue about things. You continue to email to argue about things. I don’t want to argue anymore.

As for settling things… I pursued a settlement with you because we are both out of money. It made no sense to continue since the house had appreciated in value to a point where keeping it absolutely was not a possibility… and since money is the primary driving factor in your life… and not what is best for the kids… settling was the best thing to do. One can’t fight without resources and mine were used up as I imagine yours were. To continue to do so would have had dire consequences on both of our credit histories - and ultimately - the children.

It’s time to move on with your life PEW. Arguing with me is no longer an option I will be offering you.

I’d love to chat about nothing more than the children… I just don’t think that you are mentally capable of leaving the discussions amicable and only about the kids. I challenge you to prove me wrong.

~LM

I only wish I had the discipline at that time to stop the incessant, useless, foolish arguing.

In any event, now that you’re finished reading another situation that spun wildly out of control… what started out as a complaint about the car spread like a prairie fire to several other topics, I close with the “bite in the ass.” I should have known better because she can fuck up a vehicle like no one else I know.  There are some other inconsequential exchanges later on in the next 30-days (of Jan/Feb 2005) that centered around finding out what was wrong with the car. It turns out, after topping off coolant a couple of times, that the car had a cracked intake manifold. A shade under $1,000 to replace. Unbeknownst to me, this particular year and model had a problem with a redesigned manifold and this problem was apparently common. So, in keeping with the warranty I agreed to and with almost no financial resources to draw upon, I paid for that repair in addition to new brakes, an oil change, and a fresh air filter for the van. I couldn’t have been more desperate as the settlement date on the marital home was fast approaching.
She would try to make a warranty claim again later.

It’s FANTASY EMAIL TIME!

I believe that the email bomb from Psycho SIL is more than deserving of a fantasy email reply.  Fantasy Email Replies are those emails that you might like to send, but you cannot.  They are dangerous.  They are unproductive.  They can hurt you in a situation such as a high-conflict divorce and custody battle.  But I’ll be damned if they don’t feel good just to write them down and let it all out!  So, go on and re-read her unsolicited communication.  Below is how I might have like to respond if I didn’t know any better.  In reality, all I did was forward it to my attorney and ask him to send the other side a copy with a firm “cease and desist” request, which he did.

Dear Psycho-SIL,

First, you should not threaten me. What you wrote are threats, but I realized a long time ago that you are too big a moron to recognize that reality. I offer you the following positive response that is beneficial to both of your nephews: Go fuck yourself. Now, regardless of what is apparent to all of those idiots who enable the crazy behaviors of you and your sister, one thing is for certain – the less time the children spend with you and your family, the better. That is what is best for the children and for me.

It is great to hear that you finally settled your imaginary lawsuit. My only wish is that I had on tape the discussions I overheard between you and the PEW where you planned your “accidental fall” at the hospital in the aftermath of your gastric bypass surgery. Nothing quite demonstrates craziness (not that your long and checkered past didn’t do that already) than deliberately smashing your face on a table at the hospital in order to commit fraud – something with which you have extensive experience. Had I been in a position to prove your fraud, it would have been a delight beyond what I can put in words to have been able to be a surprise witness for the hospital, waltzing in with taped evidence of your plan to commit this crime. I suppose it is a good thing that your former customers (Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe) were willing to take you on as a client. My guess is – they weren’t one of the customers that you stole from during your short career as Regional Manager of Computer Store.

The fear I have given the knowledge of your unlimited resources is steep. It’s obvious from the fact that you’re now living in that palatial estate known as “your parent’s basement” that you’ve spared no expense in the aftermath of your victory. Can you feel me shaking in my boots?

As for your list of demands… I will not return the van to the PEW. I’ve paid for it completely. Twice. Once when new. Once one I gave PEW half the current value of the van in trade with a car (which I also paid for entirely) and $5,000 cash. Of course, if your sister wants to give me the car and the cash back, I would actually consider it! However, we both know how much PEW covets cash. The type of “man” I am is the one who sat back, laid out all of the (more than) fair options and simply awaited PEW’s decision, which she made of her own accord. As for her regrets – may I offer you both the toughest shit possible.

Regarding therapy for the children – I have very little problem with doing so, as they need it in order to manage both the changes that are occurring in their lives and, hopefully, to be able to manage the craziness, irresponsibility, and lack of discipline that your family will undoubtedly try to instill in them. There are already enough bullies on your side of the family – I’m not interested in seeing them groom two more. Further, when I am convinced that this is not yet another effort to pin some mental illness or other label that will result in the boys being drugged like so many other children are, unnecessarily, nowadays, this will occur. His anger-management issues are a direct result of your sister’s (and your) frequent, unexpected explosive behaviors, in addition to what they may have seen or heard within their household. S1’s eating and weight issues are a direct result of your entire family’s inability to either eat healthy or get any meaningful exercise. Have any of you looked in the mirror lately? There is enough flesh and weight to sink a barge. When you speak about health, eating, and weight management – all you and the family needs to do is take a good hard look in the mirror (or several of them) to find the root of their dietary issues. Finally, I can assure you that your concerns regarding the children meeting DW are dwarfed by my concerns (and those of other health professionals) regarding the significant presence and influence you have in their lives as a diagnosed bi-polar with substance abuse problems and a lengthy criminal history. I would welcome you to subpoena whoever you want. You have my 100% guarantee that you will be quite surprised as to what most of them will testify to regarding PEW.

Regarding the climate control in our home – I will keep the heat on, as I have always done, 68-70 degrees. Unlike your sister, the inside of the home does not need to be heated to the level of a tropical paradise. Anything higher than that is a waste of energy and money, things that have never concerned your sister because she was not responsible for paying for any of that, either. As for the lighting issue, all I have ever asked is that lights be turned off in rooms that are not in use. Again, for normal people in this world, that is standard operating procedure. After all, shouldn’t we all be making reasonable efforts to reduce our carbon footprint?

As an additional reality check – as required by the court order, I already pay the larger percentage of unreimbursed medical expenses in addition to paying a substantial sum of money to carry the children on my insurance plan. Given your past expertise in the “fuzzy math” necessary for you to gain financially regardless of who you rip-off in the process, I can understand your demand. Still, it will not happen. The children do not live nude while in my custody, they have nice clothes (when your sister isn’t throwing them out) and are dressed well for school. Your delusions are laughable and it would appear it may be time to increase the dosage of your meds. Ooops! My mistake, you’re not taking any (at least not legally).

Finally, I don’t harass the PEW. Quite the contrary in fact and I have years worth of evidence to demonstrate this. Some of the unmitigated craziness includes you and others in your family as well. Even your own brother believes you’re a nutcase who is a “total drama queen who could go off at anytime.” (That’s a direct quote, I can send you a copy of the email if you’d like to review it.) I won’t be just dealing with you, you crazy psychotic bitch. The only scary part of this entire email is that you’re in some bizarre place right now where you actually believe you have the power, authority, and connections to follow-through on your threats. One order of yours I will follow-through on, though. Discussions will be between attorneys – and it starts with this email. I have a feeling that even your crazy-assed sister is going to be shocked, surprised, and quite pissed at what you’ve tried to do. My only hope is that it serves to undermine her case, further support the grave concerns I have with regard to her having so much custody, and the likely significantly increased exposure the children will have to you and the rest of your family. You’re a frigging loon.

Most Sincerely,
LM

January 2005 was a very busy month.  After having caved-in and operating from a very weak position in terms of just about everything associated with the divorce and custody at this point, PEW and her “associates” simply ramped-up the terror campaign.  So, if you have any thoughts that giving-in reduces the interactions and craziness associated with a high-conflict and disordered ex-spouse - think again.  It gives them carte-blanche to press the pedal harder to the metal.  Psycho-SIL (PP) decided to interject herself into the festivities, as she would do from time-to-time.  To read her bio, click here:  PP, Her Story. Think diagnosed bi-polar, stalker, substance-abuser, sick twisted bitch.

Apparently, she was going to stand up for what was fair for her little sister.  Apparently, the agreement to which PEW signed off after making some serious alterations wasn’t good enough.  So, the big, fat, tough-ass decided to flex her email muscles…

LM,

First, I don’t want you to email me back that I should not threaten you. These are not threats. They are merely statements of fact which I will act on immediately if I do not see positive responses to my requests or suggestions that are most beneficial to my nephews. It’s been apparant to many people, both in my family and professionals that have been dealing with your divorce and subsequent custody issues, that you have only been concerned for what is best for YOU-not your two little boys.

I finally settled my lawsuit on Monday. Suffice to say that with pain & suffering, after my attorneys fees have been taken out, I won’t have to worry about money for the rest of my life. Halfway through my case, I changed my representation to [Dewey, Cheatum, & Howe LLP], as they were former customers of mine at [Company from whom I embezzled funds and got fired] and I felt that they were more at the level necessary to deal with the legal team that the University Hospital had working for them. It was the best decision I ever made.

I’m telling you this because I want you to know that I now have unlimited resources to pursue the necessary legal remedies to get my nephews the proper support from their father without their mother having to go through a constant onslaught of harassment on every tiny issue.

First and most importantly, I want you to return the van to PEW. Why any kind of man would want his former wife, someone he once loved to be driving his two young sons, whom he supposedly still does love, around in a less safe, less mechanically sound vehicle 90 percent of the time, merely so he can feel safer when he makes the out of town drives to see his new girlfriend and her family, I just don’t understand. Especially coming into the worst driving weather of the year-I’m at a loss-what kind of a MAN are you, I mean, REALLY? However, my attorneys think that based on the piles of harassing emails PEW received from you trying to get her to agree to the deal, telling her you wouldn’t sign the divorce decree etc, we can get a judge to see that PEW signed that agreement under duress. No problem. Oh, and she will NOT be paying for the repair on the car - you knew that was the inferior car when you gave it to her.

Secondly, I want you to sign an agreement immediately for both the boys to go to therapy. Supposedly this is already in the works but I’ll believe it when I see it. I want you to pay for half of the co-pay for each of them. Not only to deal with the divorce issue but I suspect S1 will need separate sessions for his weight problem and his anger management issues - both of which you are directly responsible for. You will pay half of those co-pays also. Your Mommie Dearest technique of not letting him leave the table for extended periods of time from the toddler years on no doubt led him to his now unhealthy eating style. His sudden outbursts of anger are something many people have witnessed in you over the years both personally and professionally. My lawyers are willing to subpeona your work colleagues, former friends and neighbors, your first wife, your former in laws (1st-wife’s and PEW’s), S1’s teacher at [Good Churchschool] that you bragged to about making him sit at the table for hours etc……as I said, I’m willing to do whatever it takes…..I’m also concerned that you would introduce the boys to your new girlfriend and have her stay over the same night, without easing them into a comfortable relationship with her first. Obviously, no one can stop you from having someone new in your life but any professional is going to question your method of how you “helped” your sons adjust to this newest change in a long series of recent changes…..

Third, You will keep the heat on at least 72 on so that it is warm before the boys get to your house. They do come home sick everytime from your house and everytime I was ever at your house when PEW still lived there you were always harping on her to keep all of the lights out and the heat low. After all, she gets stuck paying for all of their doctor copays, their meds, their clothes etc. I could not believe the emails I read the other day from you. You never buy them any clothes. PEW and my mom buy all of their clothes and nice ones. You send S1 to school looking like a ragamuffin. You should be ashamed of yourself. Frankly, I don’t know how you look at yourself in the mirror.

Finally, unless I think of something else, don’t harass my sister anymore. Have your lawyer talk to her lawyer. Plus, don’t bother trying to talk to her about this-just deal with me. She obviously knows at this point that you have manipulated her and that my father and I need to take over for the boys’ best interests. Let me know if you are going to give her back the van - If I don’t hear from you by 2PM Friday, I’ll begin to put things in motion on my end. If you aren’t willing to do the van thing and the other things I’ve mentioned above, stop harassing her and let her get on with her life, start doing right for the boys once and for all-we’ll be going to court for full custody-and it won’t be [PEW Attorney #1] you will be dealing with next time-and it won’t be pretty because you’ve made a lot of enemies over the years and I intend to have my team of lawyers from [Dewey, Cheatum, & Howe LLP] call each and every one of them if necessary. By the time we are done with you, any proceeds YOU make from the house will be gone.

Just remember, YOU brought this on YOURSELF, trying to squeeze every last penny out of PEW at your sons expense. Let me know how it’s going to be.

~Psycho SIL

Wow!  This crazy psychotic bitch really, truly believes that she has all of these connections and all of this power to influence!  The above is pure fantasy.  Quite deserving of a fantasy email reply, wouldn’t you say?

And it’s about frigging time!

I’d like to see more of these cases whereby a parent who engages in such behavior suffers serious consequences for their actions.  My only hope is that it doesn’t take 10-years for someone to take action!

Link: Mom Loses Custody for Alienating Dad (from the Toronto Star)

In a stunning and unusual family law decision, a Toronto judge has stripped a mother of custody of her three children after the woman spent more than a decade trying to alienate them from their father.

Stunning indeed. Based on the information in the rest of the article, the campaign of chaos and terror this woman perpetrated on the persistent father was very familiar. Many who read this blog have experienced similar situations, though few of those I “know” are 10-years into such an effort. I’m sorry for this man that it took 10-years of hell but - his persistence paid off. This man was given sole custody!

McWatt stipulated that [the mother] is to have no access to the children except in conjunction with counseling, including a special intensive therapy program for children affected by “parental alienation syndrome.” The mother must bear the costs.

Oh, look out! They used the term “syndrome” and I’m sure that the rad-fems of the world will be screaming their lungs out to see this “travesty of justice” overturned for poor mom! I’m sure that they’ll claim that she was doing what she thought was best for the children, too.  Has hell frozen over?  Not only is she ordered to attend the counseling, she has the sole responsibility for the costs associated with same.  I had to check the calendar to make sure it wasn’t April Fool’s Day!

Pray for that therapist. I’m certain that the malicious mother’s first efforts in counseling will be to bad-mouth the father and try to win him/her over to mom’s side. They almost always do that. A  person who engages in a 10-year effort is not easily changed and I’d bet a lot of money that her efforts continue through this intensive therapy.

Harold Niman, the father’s lawyer, said the decision serves as a wake-up call to parents who, “for bitterness, anger or whatever reason,” decide to use their children to punish their former partners.

Parents who have had to endure efforts to be alienated from the children that they love and care about should only be so lucky. Spread the word, maybe the world will start to sit up and take notice.

“Having said that, there are some people – and I think some of them are suffering from personality disorders – who will not respond to therapy and will not respond to directions from judges.”

You don’t say!

The article is worth the full read. The efforts this malicious mother had undertaken will be of no surprise to many who read this blog. They certainly weren’t to me. What is a surprise is that a father was awarded SOLE CUSTODY of his three children as a result of mom just choosing not to change her ways after being afforded many opportunities. (The latter comment also did not come as a surprise.)  I wonder if she’ll be ordered to pay child support?  If so, I wonder if she’ll actually pay it?

You want to read heartbreaking stories - check out the submissions that people made for our Parental Alienation Awareness Campaign in 2008. That was a small sample of the stories we received over the course of a few weeks.  Maybe this is just the beginning of the kind of hope we need in order to see situations like this addressed more swiftly, with real and meaningful severe consequences.