Thanksgiving and the PEW - Week in Review
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It’s the annual rite of passage for most of us dealing with the high-conflict ex-spouse. It’s exacerbated if you’re dealing with a borderline or other personality disorder. This holiday season is shaping up to be no different than those past. They were predominantly chaotic and terror-filled when married to PEW. It’s simply been status-quo since the split if you’ve followed this blog regularly.
Like clockwork came the pre-Thanksgiving email from PEW which indicated confusion over the holiday schedule. We have Thanksgiving in odd years, PEW in even years. If I had to pick one thing that has been clear and consistent since our split - it’s been Thanksgiving. Her repeated emails this year were met without reply for as long as I could make it happen in keeping with low-contact principles. I’ve actually gone back several years and reviewed emails in advance of Thanksgiving. Unsurprisingly, they stop just short of being copied & pasted from one year to the next, this, despite clear language in the court order which details the custodial arrangement during Thanksgiving that has been the one true constant during this entire mess. The court order reads:
Thanksgiving to include the entire weekend of Thanksgiving. Father shall have custody in odd years and Mother shall have custody in even years.
It doesn’t get much clearer than that. It’s what we’ve practiced since 2004, though there have been disruptions along the way. These are the disruptions we can count on every single year around holiday time. This year would be no exception (11/10/2009):
Just want to figure out what your plans are for the week of Thanksgiving? Are we doing the 25th or the 26th and then when would you be bringing them back etc…?
~PEW
It would be too easy for her to just read the frigging order. In a normal situation, parents who have a civil relationship would simply respond with the details, that information would be accepted, and you move on with your holiday plans. When you’re dealing with a high-conflict psycho ex, there is only one purpose for such an email - engagement. We’re not dealing with “normal.” Regular readers already know that my experience affords me the ability to predict with uncanny accuracy just what the future holds in these day-to-day situations. I predicted she is prepared for an argument.
When dealing with such a monster, you have to plan for a reply, assuming you’ll dare send one at all which I highly recommend against in such a disastrous post-divorce situation such as mine. Since the Thanksgiving holiday fell on her normal custodial week, PEW is laying the groundwork to escalate on the grounds of “how unfair it is.”
I ignore it, hoping against hope that she would just read the court order or, at the very least, remember how the hell we’ve handled Thanksgiving dating back 5 years! Yes, I realize that wasn’t going to happen, however, what do we have if not hope, correct? 11/18/2009:
Just wondering what you would like for next week so I don’t have to read on your website how I screwed up your holiday??? are you picking them up thanksgiving DAY? The day before? the day after? just wanna make sure I dont’ mess anything up for you because I know I’ll read about it later? let me know just tryin to head off any problems before they happen…..thanks
~PEW
During other discussions with regular readers came this pearl of wisdom: “PEWs/PEHs know the court order like the back of their hand when it comes to situations that benefit them. They know the court-order chapter & verse, paragraph & line. When the opposite holds true, they either ‘forgot’ or ‘don’t have the court order readily available.’” It would seem that others are developing an uncanny sense of clairvoyance as well. You’ll see later.
Still, she can’t remember what we’ve done for 5-years and either hasn’t read or simply ignored the court order on which we spent an obscene amount of money hashing out. I ignore it. Later on 11/18/09:
just FYI that was my second request for what you were looking for on the thanksgiving holiday…..don’t have to…I could just be like see ya Thurs nite…but I’m tryin…cause I don’t want to see an article about it in 5 fucking years…..jesus christ
~PEW
As is usually the case with low-contact, she is escalating, as predicted. Given the level of rage in this one, there is no shot I reply.
On 11/21/2009, Saturday of my custodial week, the boys ask about perhaps going back to PEW a day early. Why? They know it’s our Thanksgiving together this year. THEY know that they will be with me all weekend long. How is it that they know and PEW doesn’t? Since they asked so nicely, I use this as an opportunity to make contact about Thanksgiving and see if her schedule would permit a day-early return. I do this in that faulty sense of “fairness” that I often advise people against following.
PEW,
I can either take the kids after school on Thanksgiving Eve or do an exchange late-morning on Thanksgiving Day.
We have some things to do today, but the boys asked about coming back to you today instead of tomorrow. Perhaps later on this afternoon if that is okay with you. I told them “we’ll see” and wanted to check with you first.
~LM
Yes, the issue of “when they will return after Thanksgiving” is still left twisting in the wind. At least it was something. 11/21/2009:
As far as Weds or Thursday, it makes no difference to me…..I know they’d rather stay here….it’s your holiday…you pick what you want to do…
~PEW
Now, remember this the next time you want to do something “fair” or “right” or “just.” A psycho-ex will kick you right in the teeth with digs and insults. My advice continues to be - just don’t do it. I reply simply, “Meet you at 11:00AM on Thursday.”
Done, right? No, of course not. On 11/22/2009:
when are they coming back? thursday or friday?
~PEW
Ignored. Apparently, her memory hasn’t come around and I’m sure she’s thinking, Now, where the hell is that court order?
On 11/23/2009, I attended parent-teacher conferences for the children. My first appointment, with S1’s teacher was at 3:00PM. It was PEW’s custodial week and with the kids at the school’s aftercare program, after the conference I went to the aftercare program to stop in and visit the boys. They were as excited to see me as I was them. We exchange small talk and I shower S1 with accolades for the great report and excellent work he’s doing (S2’s was even more outstanding I would discover during my meeting with his teacher at 6:00PM the same day).
S1 pops out with a question during my visit. Hey, Dad, I was wondering about what we’re doing during Thanksgiving? Mom isn’t really sure if we’re going back on Friday or if we’re with you the whole weekend and stuff, and I was just wondering, do you know?
Of course I know. Of course I will answer his question knowing that PEW put him up to asking. Of course I know that he will go back to PEW with the message. Of course I know it will be the bullet she needed to chamber to go off. I reply, simply, “You’re with me the entire weekend.” He excitedly replies, “Okay, GREAT!” …we conclude our discussion and I depart for home… to wait for the email bomb.
I was left a little annoyed at the reality that PEW has pushed the boys into the grown-ups issues AGAIN, but it’s no big deal. She got her answer and I know what’s coming. I was also left wondering why, when S1 and S2 already knew what the situation was on Saturday, he would be asking me again? Well, we all know that the answer to that question is - his mother asked him to. In a child’s mind, my guess it was the lesser of two evils to ask me and go back with an answer rather than say, “Uhhh, mom, we’re with dad the whole weekend, just like we are with each of you every other year!” That’s pure speculation on my part, though. He KNEW on Saturday. He probably knew on Monday, too, but went through the exercise of asking me anyway at PEW’s behest.
It was at that moment, while sitting at home, I chose to predict not only what her next email would be, but selected the time several hours in advance based on a variety of factors I will not disclose here. The predicted time of arrival was 10:00PM that same night. It arrived at 10:25PM. Kreskin-like.
S1 told me tonight that you were planning on keeping them all weekend?? in what world is that ok? please quote me from the court order where it says the thanksgiving holiday is all weekend. I may have considered it, had you answered one of the 5 emails I sent you, but we have plans now. I honestly don’t get this at all!!! I asked you a month ago and you said nothing…..you are making my life so easy for January with your various shenanigans.
~PEW
Now I’m certain that some readers think I’ve been completely unreasonable by going low-contact on this issue and that this reaction is somehow my fault. To anyone who believes that even for a fleeting moment, I offer you this… It absolutely did not matter when I replied to PEW with the details of the holiday. THIS reply was already in the pipeline. It matters not if I reply within minutes of her original contact. THIS reply was the one that would be forthcoming. It matters not if I reply with a day, a week, a month, a year from her original query. THIS reply was already my predetermined fate. This is why we practice low-contact. This is also why every single year she goes through the same “confusion” exercise. The sole purpose of this contact was to start a fight. It ALWAYS is the sole purpose.
THESE are the types of situations courts and judges need to look at more closely. On the surface, one considers that I made this take place as it did. Absolutely not. When you realize that the timing of my reply to her had NO BEARING on what she would send back, you realize the root-cause of the escalation - it’s what PEW wants to make happen, just as it’s always been. Let’s break it down:
- Perpetual victimhood - There I go again, doing something “to her.” It’s not fair. PEW is a victim, again.
- Please quote me - Playing dumb. Neither 5-years of history nor her having a court order will make it real. Here, she invites me to join in the escalation by quoting her from the court order.
- Lofty sense of entitlement - SHE “may have considered it.” As if she had either the authority or the power to dictate something other than what is in the court ordered custody arrangement.
- Power over everything/everyone else - Her wishes trump all others, even if she is legally required to do something else.
- Threats of litigation - more of the same from PEW.
As if following the court orders, as I have always done, somehow constitutes “shenanigans” worth more litigation. However, I wrongly choose to reply, primarily because she’s using the children as messengers again and they don’t need her continued adding to any anxiety that already exists:
PEW,
Please read the court order. The Thanksgiving arrangement has been this way for the last 5 years. In the future, please don’t use S1 as a messenger. It’s not fair for you to put him in the middle of any situation centered around the custody arrangement or court order.
In preparation for Christmas, I also suggest you review the court order and do so anytime there is any question in your mind about what arrangement is to occur at any given time.
The Thanksgiving holiday has always encompassed the entire weekend of Thanksgiving. There is nothing more to discuss except to confirm a late morning exchange on Thanksgiving Day of 11AM.
Thank you,
LM
Factual, if a waste of keystrokes. Courteous. Respectful. That’s all we nons can do.
Instead of being a total dick, you could have told me that a month ago. As far as Christmas goes….I have them that week so there should be no need for discussion at all….and if there is, I really wish you wouldn’t wait until 48 hours before to make your opinion known. As far as thanksgiving holiday including the entire weekend….I don’t have a copy of the current order right now….so I don’t know and I honestly don’t remember because every holiday since we have gotten divorced has been a blurr of bullshit. I only asked because they asked…..S1 wanted to know. It’s fine, I’ll let them know.
~PEW
Yep, there she goes throwing S1 under the bus again. He knew Saturday. He knew Monday. The backpedal is that she only asked because S1 asked. Funny how S1 never asked me until 2 or 3 no-replies to PEW occurred. Between disclosing inappropriate grown-up stuff with the kids and stabbing them in the back in an attempt to hide her obvious pathological desire to start fights (especially around the holidays and other special occasions) - I wonder if they’ll ever be able to escape her madness and just be able to be normal, happy, well-adjusted boys.
Don’t doubt my contention that it didn’t matter when I replied to PEW - this was first-and-foremost a deliberate attempt to rock the boat during the holiday season, as she’s done without fail from the earliest days of our relationship. Make no mistake about this, either - next year is her Thanksgiving and it would surprise me even a little bit if I don’t receive an email a few weeks in advance which again starts, <em>”LM - I am trying to figure out what is happening for the holidays this year…”</em> It will happen despite the years of established history, a clear court order, and now even this blog post.
She’ll never, ever learn that the madness stops when she chooses to make it stop and not before. Without the conflict, her life has little purpose.
As for the holiday weekend itself, it was amazing and wonderful. Spending time with loving family, great friends, having great fun and enjoying amazing food and drink (the bros can cook like chefs) - and it all started with great parent-teacher conferences confirming that the children continue to excel and maintain a high level of achievement in school. Who could ask for anything more? A+ Thanksgiving 2009. I pray that yours was equally wonderful and if not - it was better.
“Christmas is coming, the noose is getting tight” - I wonder what the Christmas holiday has in store for us?
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Mister M I genuinely hope that your PEW can at some point take a look at how she feels. It is awful to not have your children on a holiday, it’s not something any of us enjoy….but expressing the anxiety and anguish by questioning the schedule, especially by involving the children, will not change the schedule.
Would it be out of bounds of low contact to PDF the CO and send it to her, so she has it and cannot throw that excuse out there?
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
She has a copy of the CO. She’s had a copy of the CO. My sending her a copy of the CO doesn’t guarantee that she’ll have the CO “readily available” at this time next year.
This isn’t about not having the CO. It’s about the engagement. There hasn’t been a single holiday in the last 4-5 years (and throughout our relationship) where she hasn’t created some measure of upset. It’s part of their personality.
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Mister-M - Wow, after 5 years she still doesn’t get it? Even our PEW isn’t near that bad! Heck, we didn’t have the holiday this year, but still coordinated a few hours of the weekend to see the kids. Imagine our surprise when we asked for a few hours and she didn’t say NO immediately!
Our PEW also claims to not remmeber the order, and can’t seem to find it for holidays and such. We always have the holiday conversation about a month in advance stating what our understanding of the arrangment is, and having her confirm that she understands the same. Usually if it is in her favor, there is never a question, but when not in her favor, she has to recheck the papers prior to confirming. Whatever.
I personally don’t remember all the exchange details of my own holiday schedule, so I keep an electronic version for easy access. The last person I would ask would be my ex.
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Sucks that 5 years still haven’t reduced her bitterness and rage, but the upside is you are very adept at dealing with it now. The conflict is now minimal, due to your response…you prove the old adage…only thing you can control is how you respond…and it did work.
This situation was us, verbatim, 5 years ago…for every holiday. Especially the “confusion” when it was DH’s time but the clarity around her time….and the escalation, digs, demands for change, sense of entitlement, and raging to interfere with DH’s ordered custodial time.
I’m happy to say that since last year, psycho remarried and has other fish to fry so our lives have some peace…even at the holidays. It’s refreshing and peaceful…but I’m at best cautiously optimistic about how long it will last…
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Oh yes, and the accusation that you are a “dick” for following the court order…and that’s somehow shenanigans….classic. If you ever write a book, you should include a chapter on the BPD/PEW Handbook…that documents all the common behaviors and pitfalls to watch out for. This is also a consistent theme with our psycho…she calls DH rigid, inflexible, and usually much nastier things for simply following the order and insisting that she does as well.
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Isn’t that lovely? Geez.
I didn’t have DS this year for Tgiving but got him back the following evening for my weekend with him (our holidays are just for the day or more if it falls that way during our custody schedule). Even though PEB had him for the holiday that was not enough. DS was very cranky and tired because “Daddy gave me lots of soda again and i didn’t have to sleep!”
DS just turned three one month ago.
Now when i tell him he’s not to have soda (esp caffeinated) he tells me no, daddy says you’re wrong.
What a confusing world for little ones when parents can’t agree (i’ve had convo with PEB -before having to suck it up and talk with DS- and he confirmed the can of soda and has been permitting that for a while now apparently, and refuses to stop permitting it, saying that “it won’t kill him”) and are put in the middle.
What also makes it great is that we have another dentist appt for DS coming up this week (and PEB can’t make it to any appts-whether it be doc, dentist, or specialist-or take off during his custodial time when DS is sick–i work full time too but what does that matter) for additional cleaning, and at the last one a month ago I threw my hands up when asked what was with the brown staining and got interrogated about our brushing habits (while with me, DS brushes teeth 2x a day and i always brush them again thoroughly after he is through).
Perhaps it’s worth it to come up with 1K for the arbitrator so that PEB and I can lay down some ground rules that we can both live with?
Please excuse my extensive tangent. I hope i don’t sound psycho. Please cage me in if i do. This is just the only appropriate outlet there is. I guess my original point was simply that you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t (have them for the holidays). PE’s will always make it a “pleasure.”
Christmas is sure to be a joy. PEB refused to alternate xmas eve & xmas as a package holiday every year, so i will get him back at 11:30PM xmas eve, following his festivities, probably jacked up on soda! Merry Christmas morning!
December 2nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
You are right on about the CO. She has no desire to read it and answer her quetion…her intent is engagement….anger, victimhood…these are her treasures.
At one point my PEW filed for a custody modification (within about 30 days of me winning primary custody). She then violated the terms of the custody agreement numerous time so just prior to the hearing I cross filed a contempt petition and had them joined so they were in the same hearing. I was pro se so asking her questions.
From memory it went something like this….
Me: Do you have a copy of the court order dated XX/XX/XX
PEW: Somewhere at home but I don’t know where
Me: Have you read the court order
PEW: No not really
Me: Are you familiar with what is in the court order
PEW: No not really
Me: When we were in court on XX/XX/XX did you swear in front of Judge XXX (same Judge) that you fully understood the terms of our agreement and that you would be subject to being held in contempt punishable by a fine or imprisonment if you violated the court order
PEW: I don’t remember
Me: If I hand you a copy of the transcript of the court hearing on XX/XX/XX will that help you remember
PEW: probably not, I can’t understand it. Have you read it? It is hard to understand.
While I did not win the contempt petition, this exchange did prove one thing clearly to the Judge….she had absolutely no intention of cooperating with me in a rational, adult manner on any subject. He denied everything she asked for in her modification and gave her a lecture that was brutal. She has not filed anything since.
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
It doesn’t matter if you responded to her in the first email or the last, the result is always the same. The only reason for her to send you an email is to start a problem.
I do have to criqtuce you on one thing, your response to her. Following low contact (and the things you post on the forums) you should have just sent her the wording of the court order. What you sent was much to wordy and accusing. Also, why didn’t you pick the kids up from school, then you wouldn’t of had to see PEW.
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Ya, I know I mispelled critique.
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Yeah, WTF… what the hell is a “criqtuce?” Sounds like a fish meal.
Also, my court order still has imperfections. One of them is specific times for holidays. Thanks for bringing that up as now, in 2011, I can expect her to tell me she’ll meet at 11:00PM on Thanksgiving Day. Way to go there, sport!
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Ha ha I love the way PEW goes on about you replying “so I don’t have to read on your website how I screwed up your holiday???” Really?? And who says she HAS to read your website at all? If she didnt care about you, as she has suggested in the past, why would she be reading your website at all? If she was over you she wouldnt be bothered in the slightest, but of course if she was really over you this website wouldnt exist!
Then the “just wanna make sure I dont’ mess anything up for you because I know I’ll read about it later?” Oh ha ha! The irony is just unbelievable!!!!!
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Que?:
Thanks for bringing that up as now, in 2011, I can expect her to tell me she’ll meet at 11:00PM on Thanksgiving Day. Way to go there, sport!
I’m switching it up, first I spell wrong and then I ask question in a different language LOL
Seriously though, it is like nothing is good enough. You give them answers and you’re a jerk, you ignore and you’re a jerk. No matter what you do it ends up the same way.
I agree JCB82 ~ I loved the references to the website so she can read about her moronic-ness
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:15 pm
i’m curious as to when exactly she discovered your website and what she had to say about it upon discovery?
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:29 pm
sounds like a familiar situation. kids come to my house in odd years the day released from school through the weekend for thanksgiving. PEW has huge blow up about it and says kids can’t come until late on thanksgiving day because it it is their 1 year old half sisters first real thanksgivng and “she will be devistated that they are not there with the whole family”. kids finally came to my house, but PEW took their christmas presents back for “not loving her”. Mister M, thank you for your website, you help me not feel so alone in all this insanity.
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Maggie, upper-right, 3rd under “most comments.”
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Since pew reads your post, I will address this to her. I am divorced alos, 2 girls, 15 & 12. Though I love having my children with me, I have really come to enjoy the time I don’t. I get a lot of things completed that I woulnd’t normally be able to finish in one day. I have also decided to go back to school. You really need to get a life and you probably wouldn’t be working and spending all the money you could have had in your pocket had you left well enough alone. Go Get A Life. Are you really that stubborn, you give your ex and his wife so much entertainment and the rest of us. I almost feel sorry for you but I don’t because you would rather spend all your time sending crappy emails to your ex, and you leave your kids in a day care. Move on, I’m sure I’m not the first to say this to you.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:21 am
Yep. Last two yrs we’ve gotten the outraged phone call when BM “finds out” she returns D BEFORE Xmas Eve. Followed by the customary “Why can’t we be friends? Why do you have to hate me?”
But she didn’t take her summer visitation, so we’re waiting to see if she no call/no shows for winter break too. Poor D.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:26 am
My PEW went the opposite direction. It was her Thanksgiving and she said she could only take him from Wednesday night until Friday morning. She did this with the intent of making sure I was alone on Thanksgiving as my family is a 10-12 hour drive away.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:24 am
If I hear someone say shenanigans one more time…
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:33 am
OMG, everytime I read this site, I am appalled by her behavior. How is it possible that she can’t see what she is doing? Oh, that’s right, because borderlines have the stunted maturity of a 12 yr old.
I am so fortunate that D2 is 20 yrs old and living out of state and D1 is halfway through her jr. year. Our PEW was pulling a few tricks (she is going to bf’s, she’s staying home with sister, sister is pimping her to meet a man from the internet, she is going to bf’s, she’s staying home), but I only get the general overview because my bf never wants to burden me with her crazy stories… plus, I think it’s hard to keep them all straight.
And what’s with the PEW’s having a Pyscho Sister that follows them everywhere? Ours has a drinking/man/relationship issue too!
Sometimes, when I really take a look at the situation, I feel bad for her. Really really bad, but then I remember that if she had been normal, I’d still be single and not have the most wonderful, handsome and doting man… or his wonderful daughter who is rapidly becoming a good friend.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Am SO grateful to have found this site. The PEW in our situation is textbook just like this one. I told my BF the other day that I would be blogging about this before too long and now I don’t have to.
Thanksgiving call came the day before “Where are you?” It was her year to have Turkey Day. Textbook.
My late husband’s wife and the mother of my stepsons? We’re the best of friends.
I’m so glad I found your site. My BF is going to die when he sees it (and cry, and laugh).
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Ok, I can’t resist, I’ll tell my Thanksgiving 2009 Story.
This year PEG showed up 40 minutes early for transfer of daughter back to Mom’s on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Through the door after checking peephole I said: “Uh, the order says pickup 6:00.”
“I thought it was 5:00…you wouldn’t return my calls to confirm…I don’t have a copy of the order….”
“I will send her out as soon as she gathers her things.”
She shows up at 5:20 and says “I thought the order said 5:00,” as if 5:20 and 5:00 are the same thing. The universe revolves around PEG! And these calls I didn’t return? — I never received a single call from her. Not that I would have responded anyway. Pure fantasy/revisionist history.
But I must say, aside from this nickel&dime manipulation of shortening daughter’s time with Dad by 40 minutes, this year was blissfully conflict-free relative to past holidays. I did not argue with her at the door over the 40 minutes — it is not worth it (I had daughter for the entire week prior).
But I have been through all the same stuff in Mister-M’s post, and expect it to continue to some degree for another 4 years until daughter is 18. All you can do is minimize the damage and stress with the low/no contact strategy.
As daughter and PEG walked away from my door and down the walk, I said “Happy Thanksgiving.” As I closed the door, I heard PEG say (right next to daughter): “Asshole.”
MR
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Pleasure to meet you, Asshole. I’m Asshole, too. Anyone else?
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:02 pm
lol, yes a pleasure.
Initially I laughed it off, until I started thinking about how the poor kid has to deal with hearing her beloved Dad called terrible names. It’s got to be so hard.
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:21 pm
MR said: “Initially I laughed it off, until I started thinking about how the poor kid has to deal with hearing her beloved Dad called terrible names. It’s got to be so hard.”
100% of the kiddos that I have spoken with as a parent coordinator tell me that hearing their parent call the other parent names makes them feel angry and sad at the same time. I wish I could make a video, literally, and just ask one kid after another “how do you feel when you hear Mommy (or Daddy, as the case may be) saying those things about Daddy (Mommy)?” and record their responses.
It makes me weep.
December 4th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Hey, I’m an asshole too! Who knew that there would be so many assholes reading this blog?
Reminds me of the old joke: Opinions are like assholes - everyone’s got one and the all stink. (Except PEW’s of course, their shit don’t stink.)
December 4th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I’m not an “asshole” by the PEW’s standards (although you should ask my students, I’m sure one or two of them would concur with the asshole label), but I’m sure in PEW’s world, I’m “the asshole’s gold digging gf” even though he’s broke from paying her and I make more than she does.
I NEVER critisize her EVER to her daughter. In fact, I helped her daughter pick out her b-day present and a cute gift bag and I paid for it since she “forgot” her money (I did the same stuff when I was 16, lol!), and I will NEVER put their daughter in the position to have to feel bad.
Thank God I have this site to vent too, because it makes D1 & D2’s lives easier, which is something that can’t be said of their mother’s behavior.
December 4th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I found your site yesterday and am loving it! My ex-wife in-law is the epitome of PEW–with clear Borderline PD (in our own armchair diagnosis), currently being divorced by her 7th husband. She currently has two concurrent custody battles: one with us, for my husband’s two children; and one for her 7th husband’s child. Our interstate custody matter has taken over two years, thus far. We have all the ingredients of a cheap, trashy novel (that could never sell because the material’s too unbelievable).
Reading your blog entries is like reading from our own story, almost verbatim. I’m shocked by the parallels, especially in the topic of communication interference and parental alienation. I want to thank you for providing an avenue of support and empathy for us…and our growing “family”–compliments of the PEW. We’ve been looking forward to the end of our custody battle, thinking then we’d get a reprieve. From reading your blogs, it would appear that after “the win” is where all the REAL fun starts *eyeroll*. Oh lord. At least we know where to come to vent now!
I’m shocked that this brand of CHILD ABUSE is still so closeted and practically encouraged by the system! How is the OBVIOUS link between psychological abuse and societal decline not acknowledged???
December 6th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I am so fascinated that because they don’t have a copy of the order, then they are not responsible for the information in it. Like when you were going to court, which for most people is a pretty important circumstance, so forget you, that they “don’t know”, like one comment said, the maturity of a 12 year old.
I want you to keep posting the holiday antics as they are fascinating.
I can’t imagine if I were to discover a website about myself acting like an ass for what is it now six years? And still no changes, well except you did get that big apology, which you should blow up, laminate and frame above your living room couch.
December 6th, 2009 at 11:20 am
The most bizarre thing of all, and I think you allude to it Chrissy, is that I can talk about it in advance… PEW can know about the prediction in advance… and the treatment remains the same.
Despite the humor that we can find in the madness to keep ourselves from going bonkers - that’s a serious issue. It’s as though you can say to them, “This is how you’re going to act. I know you’re going to do this. I know when you’re going to do this. Your mission is to stop yourself.” And they can’t. THEY CAN’T. That is scary.
It goes back to long ago posts on the blog about their predictability, for instance, how I used to know that any positive sentiment (”I just wanted to let you know what a great father you are…”) was a predictor of a meltdown within 24 to 48 hours. And without fail, it would come. It would come without fail even when I got so used to it that I would ask her not to compliment my parenting skills ever. How ridiculous is that? That’s what it actually came to.
Realize that they are incapable of changing these nasty, nasty habits and plan accordingly. That’s all you can do.
December 6th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Mister M, you bring up a really good strategy in fighting these PEWs: Tell them (on record) EXACTLY how to fix the problem, then they’ll do the opposite. They are their own worst enemies, because they’re compulsively oppositional and self-destructive.
December 7th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
our PEW did the exact same thing to us for t’giving as well. and, to make matters worse, she “informed” us that she is denying my husband his right to any visitation during christmas break because “she” is taking the kids out of town for the entire 2 weeks of christmas break. so, we got the kids for t’giving and we don’t get them again until january.
my husband and I have resigned to the fact she’s a nutcase and there’s no getting around it.
December 7th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
After I split with my PEW, I did manage to keep one step ahead of her progrom of psychological destruction for a couple of years. Quite unfailingly she followed the exact pattern as with her previous partner -who was nice guy. Soon as something was coming up on the horizon, I’d go and have a chat with him and find out exactly what was on the cards. I have always taken the low engagement policy - the only way I felt I could keep my sanity and not get sucked into the vortex of rage, resentment and sense of victimisation. Sadly, the relationship with my daughter - now 16, has suffered without doubt. Once I figured out the PEW hated anyone who got close her (unless they were psychologically damaged or suicidal) I never really rated that I had much of a chance of having close relationship with my daughter; she was also the PEW’s weapon of choice against me, because that is all she had on me. My only hope is that time will bring us together when hopefully she will see the damage that her mother does to those around her and that she will forgive me for not being there to take the rage, resentment and punishment. I refuse to feel guilty about this, but it is not easy.
December 8th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
thealienatedones: If you have a court order for visitation for Xmas, and she violates it, do not just roll over and take it. Doing so sets the precedent that you don’t care if she follows court orders, and sends the message that she has carte blanche with the schedule.
I filed a contempt of court charge against my PEG for visitation interference and lost because I admitted under cross-examination that I had, in the spirit of cooperation, traded custody weekends occasionally with PEG. Even this cooperation was used against me in court — her slimeball lawyer argued that because we had “traded” in the past, we had rendered the court orders null and void. IOW, we had not followed them to the letter in the past, therefore there could be no expectation that we should be required to follow them subsequently.
You need to decide what is best for your situation, but be careful about just “resigning to the fact she’s a nutcase.”
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:38 am
# Mister-M Says:
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Pleasure to meet you, Asshole. I’m Asshole, too. Anyone else?
My husband is Smart Ass, and I am Fat Ass. Nice to meet you all of you Asses.
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:53 am
When my husband tried the low contact when his PEW emailed him to “clarify” the Thanksgiving/Christmas schedule, and it ended up with her threatening to get this all “ironed out” which is her new favorite phrase even though it’s all been ironed out. Twice now.
She’s been threatening to talk to her lawyer pretty much every few months since she found out last December that she might have to help support her children financially. I’m not sure what she wants to talk to her lawyer about since she is the one who can’t follow a court order.
December 24th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Um, I’m not sure of what’s going on here, but I must have authored this site while in a fugue state, since this has and is all happening with me and my psycho ex-wife. I notice that many, if not most, of the comments validate my experiences and so, I have to conclude that the common modus operandi denominators, of which there are plenty-plenty, must be an outgrowth of, you guessed it, BPD.
My kid is on the cusp of adulthood and even she’s had enough. The terrorism of the PEW is slowly shifting its crosshairs to her forehead and this is what I fear most. On the other hand, she is understanding that her Dad is not an oafish lout, a crook and a liar. And, she understands some things about her mom. I don’t envy her those realizations. Ironically, had the PEW simply followed the agreement, the rules, the plan, she would have come up smelling like lavender with the kid none the wiser and likely “on her side.” Oh, well. Clean living may be painful, but it is its own reward, I guess.
Thanksgiving was, for us, the same - oh, heck, just read the blog entry above and that will save all of us a few pixels . . .
January 18th, 2010 at 3:31 am
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