Divorce360.com article: Airing Divorce Laundry Online

Should You Expose Ex-Spouse Online? by Maria Moya

I was recently interviewed for this article which finally hit the internet on May 15th, 2008. It should prove to be a good read because many of those who cruise by this site are bloggers in their own right - going through post-divorce hardships with a high-conflict ex-spouse or sharing other, unrelated life-stories which make for interesting reading.

My only criticism of the article rests on the shoulders of the alleged experts who weighed in on the issues. It would seem, for instance, that Brenda Della Casa has a rather sheltered view of the purpose of blogging.

"We live in a world that seems more and more focused on exposing oneself and innermost feelings as a way to gain whatever kind of attention or fleeting support we can."

"People blog and upload photos and stories on sites for many reasons, but I think the main reason is that we all want to feel our lives and feelings matter."

Speaking from my own limited blogging experience, it's far less about support for myself than it is about our support of others. While that may not have been my original intention, the feedback we received here in the earliest days provided me an opportunity to help out others in the same way an untold number of people helped me. It serves as a "Pay It Forward" effort, in part.

If the positive feelings we gain from this experience are perceived simply as a way of gaining attention and obtaining fleeting support - stamp me guilty and know that it's so much more than that. Do I appreciate the support I get from others regarding my own experiences? Absolutely! Who wouldn't? As an aside, Brenda Della Casa should know that people also blog to:

To make incredible amounts of money.

To stay in touch with family and friends.

To provide points of view on a myriad of topics to a wide audience without the shackles of "mainstream" media outlets.

To support a business endeavor, such as online magazines, manufacturing sites, medical business, among countless others.

Humor!

This list is obviously not all-inclusive.

In addition to Brenda's input, a California psychiatrist, Dr. Mark Goulston contributed his thoughts regarding why people blog about divorce.

"They're angry and can't let go. They want to humiliate their ex-spouse. "They don't have anything to fall back on either in terms of competence, a good reputation, ability to attract another partner," he says. "In other words, they are unable to realize and live 'the best revenge by living well.' "It takes away from their parenting, because it's difficult to listen with an open caring mind to kids when a part of your personality is tied up in this crazy, obsessive behavior,"

YEESH! Dr. Goulston has a rather harsh and uninformed view of the situation. Worry not, though, I'm here to set him straight on some other realities based upon my knowledge of many members of the "blogosphere."

One thing I've mentioned many times is that anger at my ex-spouse is not what drives this effort. Further, if the purpose was to humiliate my ex-spouse, here's the short list of people to whom I would have shared the blog:

My ex-spouse.

The family of my ex-spouse.

The workplace of my ex-spouse.

Anything and anyone of or related to my ex-spouse.

In my situation, Dr. Goulston might be interested in examining why I can count on one hand the number of friends and family with whom I've chosen to share my identity relative to this website.

To a blogger - those I know sharing either divorce, post-divorce, or other life-related family experiences, including myself are:

Successful.

Have good reputations in our business and friendship circles.

Are involved in meaningful, intimate relationships with new partners in the aftermath of our experiences.

Are "living well" and are blessed to be doing so.

Work very hard at being the best parents they can be, assuming children are involved.

Many of them have support groups, advice, forums, and a wealth of resources that are helpful to others who may be going through similar experiences.

Too bad neither of the experts saw fit to discuss the positives associated with the voluntary efforts of others. That's not to say that there aren't revenge-motivated blogs out there. The youtube video cited in the article appears to be rooted in just such motivation.

C'mon, Dr. Goulston... it's not all about doom and gloom, not being able to get another girlfriend... neglecting children to blog... or being stuck in the drive-thru at 30-something asking, "do you want fries with that?"

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Public Awareness Campaign for Abused Men

The organization known as the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women is always working to raise awareness of domestic violence, especially that perpetrated upon men. Their latest campaign is a poster effort drawing attention to domestic violence.

As part of our ongoing effort to bring more awareness to society about abused men and the availability of our toll free helpline and services for men in relationships with abusive women, we have had a public awareness poster designed. This 11 x 17 poster has "tear off" sheets attached at the bottom right hand corner with the agency's name, helpline number and website address printed on them so that someone can easily tear off a sheet and stick it in their pocket to take the information with them.

We are hoping that these posters (when placed in various public places along side of other information re: domestic violence) will help men realize that when they are emotionally, psychologically and/or physically assaulted by their intimate female partner it's also called domestic violence.

Would you like to put some of these posters up in your local area to bring more awareness to this much ignored and hidden side of domestic violence? We are now taking orders. The suggested donation for each poster is $4.50 which covers shipping and handling and the minimum order is 10 posters. Please write us at dahmwagency@gmail.com or call 207-683-5758 to place your order.

This organization is also sponsoring the Men's Experience with Partner's Aggression Project, which is still an active effort. I urge you to read this article and participate. When laws and legislation such as the Violence Against Women's Act serve to label all men as abusers and only women as victims (purporting oftentimes as many as 95% of perpetrators are male), it's efforts such as those undertaken by the Domestic Violence Helpline for Men and Women that are working so hard to bring a sense of reality and true equality to the situations. When it comes to establishing the necessary funds and support mechanisms that are so desperately needed to assist men suffering from domestic violence - it is up to men to report their experiences at every opportunity. Not only are you protecting yourself, you set the wheels in motion for many others to receive protection and assistance as well.

Forget about being embarrassed about reporting an intimate partner for domestic violence. It's not necessary to "man-up" and just deal with it, no matter how much ridicule you expect you might receive. There is a reason that false accusations against men and restraining orders based upon same are so effective at separating men from their freedom and family (and oftentimes much more). It's due to all that "manning-up." It's due to a life of being taught to "never hit a woman." Men have been trained to avoid doing anything that will bring "harm" to a woman. In the interim, the level of violence perpetrated by women is becoming more and more public. Even though they may not be punished to the same level as men, only a continued effort to expose violence, no matter the gender, will see slow changes come to the mindset of men = perpetrator, women = victims.

I ask you, which situation makes men appear more foolish?

Option A: Your jackass friends laughing at you for reporting that your wife/girlfriend beats you up?

Option B: Sitting in jail when you when you finally defend yourself, leave a mark, and then you explain the situation to your jackass friends from behind the glass at your local prison?

If she's being violent, take action. Call the police. Call the help line. Report it. Report it every single time. I just dealt with it and did so for a long time. When I look back and think about how many times things could have turned out so horribly different... yes... even moreso than what you read about here... I suddenly realize how worthless "manning up" really is.

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I Can Argue With You For Free

PEW: LM?
LM: Yes...? I'm here.
PEW: I have an interview on Thurs in Dtown at 11am..... and S1 has to be at the Insect Place at 12:30 pm - i don't know how i'm going to do this
LM: We'll figure something out. Even if I have to take a long lunch or something.
PEW: also on the 10th of April I have a mandatory training at 4pm in Atown
LM: Fine
PEW: so i'll have to leave at 3. can you make a note of it so I don't have to remind you 10 times
LM: Put it on the calendar.
PEW: also did you get my message about the weekend of April 5th
LM: Yes.
PEW: one more thing.... i'm going to need help finding child care from 3-5 pm a minimum of 3 days per week
LM: I'll see what I can do.
PEW: because i'm probably going to take a full time position somewhere. once I save enough for a retainer....I'll file, because we're obviously not going anywhere......we barely speak anymore, what's the point
LM: Barely speak?
PEW: yeah
LM: Okay. I thought we've talked about work, the kids, etc. Most of the rest of the time you are at work, at your sisters, or somewhere else.
PEW: polite conversation, that's what we've been having, not like two married people. and I've been going to be every night with the kids


This still makes me laugh. "Not like two married people," she says. So, being polite to one another, making polite talk about our day and/or the children without fighting - she considers abnormal. I imagine that what we've been doing for so long is what she considers "married people" do?


LM: Well, we're in a tough spot right now. Would you prefer I took them to bed? You work Monday, Thursday, Friday nights... forgive me for thinking you might be wanting to put them down on the nights you are home. But I can put them to bed on those nights too if you want.
PEW: it's not about putting them to bed.....it's about not knowing where we stand. and you said you didn't want to talk so that tells me that it's not a priority for you
LM: I think I've been very clear about where I stand.
PEW: i was just saying that I go to bed every night because there's no reason to stay up. i heard you.....but it doesn't seem like you're filing like you said you would


She went to bed most nights at 9PM, maybe 10PM if I was lucky, since the S1 was born. She almost never stayed up later. Like so many other issues, she blames these types of things on the last issue that is most convenient to her victimhood. It was no longer what she normally does - now it was due to something I was doing.


LM: I'm going to the people to whom I was referred. You don't want to.
PEW: and you said if I didn't go......we're done
LM: Right.
PEW: so i guess we're done.....so someone has to make a move
LM: Well, I'm holding out hope that you'll go at some point.
PEW: i am sorry about that.....but I won't be going
LM: ok. I actually have an appt. April 5th. I guess I'll need to find a babysitter for that if you're gonna be away.
PEW: yeah......i guess
LM: ok
PEW: you're wasting your money
LM: Not really. I'm hopeful that it will be helpful. We'll see.
PEW: well i'm not happy living like this anymore.......
LM: I understand.
PEW: life is too precious to waste being miserable together. i've tried
LM: Trying would be going with me to see the doctors. Refusing isn't trying.
PEW: you keep telling yourself that
LM: Okay.
PEW: i don't need to see the Doctors
LM: Okay.
PEW: you do
LM: I am. You're not.
PEW: well I wish you the best regardless. i hope you can find someone that makes you happy. i'm not going to waste anymore time hoping that we can reconcile
LM: It's not a waste.
PEW: you don't make any sense. i gotta go
LM: ok. I'm just saying that if you cared at all about the marriage and the children... you would go with me and make one last effort. That's all.
PEW: well LM, what would happen if I went.....you would be telling one story and i'd be telling another......and they would think we're both total weirdos. you'll never convince me that things happen the way you see them. and I'll never convince you that they happened the way i perceive them. i can argue that with you for free.....why should I do it in front of a stranger
LM: Because maybe he can ask you/me/both poignant questions that may get to the heart of a given matter. Your perception is that we are there to convince him of one or the other person's level of culpability or guilt. We're not.
PEW: no i don't feel that way at all. i know i'm guilty of some things
LM: Well, I don't much care about who is guilty of anything. I care about understand the rage and changing the way we deal with disagreements going forward.
PEW: neither do I.........I just know what I want the rest of my life to be like
LM: And how would that be?
PEW: I have to go
LM: ok


Quick bail-out by PEW when asked how she wants the rest of her life to be. She didn't know then. She doesn't even know now.

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I Love You, You Are a Good Father

The deteriorating circumstances and PEW's knee-jerk actions started to put some planned things at risk. The risk was for her, not me. She lied about informing her family of our pending break-up and she told me she wasn't going to go on our planned trip to Disney. I also was not going to attend her brother's wedding. I would have no problem going to Orlando without her and given that she had told me that the family was outraged over the situation, I certainly wasn't going to be in their company during a wedding of all events.


PEW: i suppose i'm not invited to Orlando anymore
LM: hang on. I thought you had already said you don't want to go?
PEW: well I had told PP I was going.......but it's fine........ maybe I'll take them to the shore for a week. PP said depending on their snow days, they may not be able to go
LM: Yeah, I figured as much. And something tells me that we haven't seen the last of snow days.
PEW: i hope so. so are you going to be in my brother's wedding?
LM: I don't think so. I'm guessing that based on your discussions with your family, I'm not anyone's favorite person anymore, plus, I'd just as soon save whatever money I can, because this whole mess is going to cost money. So, you and S1 can go have a good time, I'll stay home with S2 and mind my own business.
PEW: S1 wasn't invited.....because we asked [brother] not to have him in it, remember?
LM: Oh. Then you go have a good time, and I'll watch the kids.
PEW: plus...my brothers don't know anything yet
LM: They will now.


Ah, so all of the dramatics associated with her telling me how upset her family is was false. No surprise there.


PEW: are you really planning on filing?
LM: Yes I am. But first, I am going to make an appointment to go see that doctor. I don't know what I'll get from it, but I am going to see him. And if you don't go after that... you will have left me with no choice.
PEW: well i wish you would reconsider......


Really? After all of the heartache and chaos and whining over how long she's been asking for a divorce? I finally get fed up enough to move in that direction and now she wants to reconsider? My guess is had I moved on my feelings at this point, it would have scuttled her plans (my perception) to set herself up as best she can to saddle me with as much debt as she had time to make while siphoning off cash at the same time.


LM: I'm sorry, PEW. I will not. You think I'm just being mean and stuff like that. But I'm not. For our entire marriage, I've lived with your threats of divorce, among other things... but the "DIVORCE" threats are the worst. I can't live like that anymore. You've left 3 times. You threaten me every time we have a disagreement. I can't do it anymore. And I'm very sorry about that.
PEW: well I said i'd see a counselor about that....... I'm sorry, I know it is bad........but S1 knows something is going on and it's killing me....... he wants us to be a "family"......
LM: Well, time will tell. I told you what I believed we need to do to save things. I also told you that I am not so naive to believe that my concerns are "etched in stone" as accurate. I am also open-minded enough to know that my concerns may end up being completely unfounded. But the only thing I can do to save things is see this guy. And find out. One way or the other.

So... the smart thing to do is just let me follow up with this doctor, and go from there. I can continue to be nice around the house... without question. But I won't be arguing, I won't be debating. But I can't impress upon you enough... that this is the "last chance." Not for you... for US.
PEW: well I appreciate how you feel because I feel the same way, but with regard to you going to this Doctor, I think it's unusual that someone would go....fill the doctor's head with "their" opinions and then send someone else in their to be evaluated
LM: I understand your concerns. Unfortunately, I can't do anything to change the situation as it currently exists. And unfortunately, while this is going to be a potentially difficult undertaking... this is the way it has to be. Unless you choose not to have it be that way. Which is always your right.

Certainly, given the way you feel about me... it is asking you to go way out on a limb and expect you to trust that I have the saving of my marriage.... as the main priority in doing this, and you are going to have to invest a lot of trust in me that it is the truth. But if you don't want to, I will NOT give you a hard time about it. You know where I stand in terms of going forward with this. And the choice to do it is completely yours.
PEW: well I wish we could save our marriage too, but I think I know myself pretty well......I am a different person than I was when we started out together.....alot has happened between us.....I know I still need to change some things, but I don't need a Psychiatrist, sorry.....I feel like it's a put down, straight from you
LM: Okay.


Oh, but of course! Nothing is ever her fault. Nothing could possibly be wrong with her. It's always her spouse, her boss, her co-worker, her friend... never PEW.


PEW: my feelings for you are this......I love you, you are a good father, I know your faithful, but there are certain aspects of your personality that I can not get used to........although I continue to make a strong effort to deal with situations as they arise....sometimes I lose it. that needs to be addressed. i wish we could come to an agreement that was acceptable to both of us. but I understand where you're coming from too
LM: ok. On a side note... I am selling [my] car to [original owner]. As I don't know what to do at this point for transportation ...obviously, some adjustments are going to need to be made. I'm guessing some days I'll need to be dropped off/picked-up ...others, my lunch will consist of dropping off S1 at school, and picking him up.
PEW: ok


What a load of bunk. She never made a strong effort at anything except belittling, abusing, and demoralizing. She also has no idea what "love" is and probably never has.

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