Normal or Not - You Make the Call!

I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. This one is for the readers to break down. Depending on the feedback, I'll toss my thoughts out there.

S2 turned 7-years old yesterday. PEW called as we were on our way to school in the morning and I passed the phone back to him and they chatted. Nice. Normal. No problem.

We had plans for the evening. It was a "boys night out" - just the three of us - and it was essentially whatever S2 wanted to do (within reason). Movies... popcorn... pizza... hockey... ice cream... gifts... stay up as late as they can handle. It was a blast.

In the middle of our festivities, my phone beeps and I find the following text message:


"Tell S2 again happy birthday for me. The day he was born was one of the best days of my life. It's special because it's always the same week as Mother's Day."


Okay, readers. You make the call!

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You Should Have Custody of Them

That's what she says when deciding whether or not she wants to leave on March 3, 2003. Not only won't she leave, she won't have her "attorney" draw up any agreement. She never does.


PEW: ok. well i'm back
LM: lol
PEW: i wanted to see how you would feel about something......
LM: And that is?
PEW: if I went to stay with my parents for awhile, without the boys.......but of course still watch the boys during the day......and then leave when you get home......and we'll alternate weekends until we make a final decision.....
LM: PEW, you do whatever you feel you need to do.
PEW: but we'd have to have an agreement in writing because I don't really want it to be permanent. i know you always think i'm jerking you around.....but I have an appointment on Thursday and since i'm paying $100/hour i want to know what you're going to agree to.....so please don't just say......do whatever you need to do PEW
LM: If you want to go stay with your parents as you describe above... I'm not going to argue with you about it. Seriously.
PEW: that's fine, but it has to be done legally...... so there is no screwing around....on my weekend verses your weekend
LM: That's fine.
PEW: when I come to pick them up I don't want a scene or anythign
LM: No problem.
PEW: well i won't be going until after everything is signed.....so i'll have the lawyer make up an agreement and then we'll make arrangements for you to sign
LM: Okay.
PEW: and this doesn't mean that we are at odds with each other....... we can still be cordial and friendly and stuff
LM: No problem. I told you before, PEW - you do what you need to do. If you aren't happy and it's because of me, you do what you have to do to be happy.
PEW: I'm trying.....but you don't make it easy. i won't be happy living with my parents........I'd be happy in my own place
LM: Well, I told you before, I'm not into getting a divorce.
PEW: well if i could figure you out maybe it would give me some hope.....
LM: There is nothing to figure out.
PEW: LM, you were down right mean that night when I came home from work..... very unpredictable.....you got mean way before I said anything nasty
LM: I'm not going to debate with you what actually happened, okay?
PEW: yeah I know
LM: I said nothing "mean" to you. Nothing at all.
PEW: which is exactly the problem
LM: I got frustrated by a couple of questions, and you immediately launched into your "fucking asshole" routine. That's what happened. Sorry if my frustration pissed you off, but please don't tell me I was "mean" to you. That's simply untrue.


While any surgery or medical procedure can be nerve-wracking, PEW made this laproscopy sound like it was a high-risk proposition. I did not minimize her nervousness. On the contrary, I did my best to put her mind at ease.

One late night, while working on the PC, she came into the room and asked me a rather vague question. It was a sort of "meaning of life" question. What is our purpose in life. It was a question I took seriously. After a few moments of pause, I gave her what I believed was a meaningful answer. It included things like doing right by others, treating people right, and broad subjects like that. For the most part, though, it was really about living a good life, focusing on the children, and providing them the best possible guidance to give them the greatest chance of becoming successful, well-adjusted adults.

When I finished and was looking at her, there was a long pause. She seemed completely unaffected and replied, Is that it? Is that the best answer you can give me?

I was pissed and told her so while telling her to take a hike. I simply wasn't interested in speaking with her anymore after she totally blew it off.


PEW: if the person who I feel wronged me doesn't feel they did anything wrong.....there's not much to look forward too
LM: Incorrect.
PEW: i don't care anymore
LM: I said I got frustrated with some of the things you had asked (a few nights before) and frustrated with your worry over the laproscopy. I didn't say that wasn't "wrong." I didn't say that you didn't have a right to be mad at my frustration.
PEW: i really really don't......the kids are so good for you .....and all I do is complain about them.....then you should probably have custody of them


I know you're all probably thinking about how this and others like it - didn't matter during the custody battle. Me, too. It's hard to imagine that a parent who complained so incessantly about the children and "couldn't stand them" and "couldn't handle them" and so on... along with everything else - could be given primary custody of the kids. Then, it's not really hard to imagine. It happens all the time. It happened despite the fact that I had primary custody for a short period after she had initially moved out (about 60%-65% of the time), but on the advice of her attorney, she made a change at work that would leave me little choice than to change things up. One of many early mistakes made in this journey.


LM: But I never deserve the venomous outrage that you constantly launch into when you are mad. It's not fair and it isn't right.
PEW: well that's how I feel about the way you talk to me sometimes too.....
LM: PEW, I have never ever ever said anything that even remotely comes close to the things that you've said to me over the years. Never.
PEW: you're catching up though..... you've called me....a fucking bitch....a fucking [c-word]......etc...etc..


Yes, a one-time outburst means I'm "catching up." Her ability to distort reality can be very, very frustrating.


LM: For the first time, I gave you a little "taste" of what it feels like, and I was still tame by comparison. I told you that I had had enough of your mouth.
PEW: and I really don't care.....
LM: And that if this was going to be how you conducted yourself, I was not going to just sit back and take your mouth anymore. Don't make this out to be an "I do the same thing back" now.
PEW: you can call me names if you want......it has no effect on me. I have no idea why it bothers you so much
LM: I was very clear about what I said, and why I said it, and it was simply because I told you I wasn't going to take your mouth anymore. Because it is grossly destructive. That's why it bothers me. People who care about each other don't say "I cheated on you twice... I had sex with other guys, and I'm gonna do it again when you go down your dad's" There is simply no excuse for saying things like that. None.
PEW: well LM, I have repeatedly asked you for a divorce over the past 4 years....and you've said no.....then you told me that if I cheated on you it would be a deal breaker....right? why wouldn't I say that
LM: It's unconscionable.
PEW: you think I'm going to magically be able to get along with you
LM: No, I don't think you will magically be able to control your anger. It takes work.
PEW: why....you learned to magically stop screaming in my face after I called the cops on you
LM: When you do things that make me mad, I get mad, I get over it. I don't call you names. I don't freak out. I don't say the most horrible things to you and about you that my mind can conceive. You have no control over that mouth of yours and it causes most of our problems. A total lack of self-control. Wrong.
PEW: well see here's the thing......it takes two to Tango..... don't put it all on me ok. i'll take half the blame for our problems
LM: I rarely "screamed in your face" and the fact is, on the day you called the cops, I was on the steps yelling and you were downstairs on the couch... yelling. Try to stick to reality.
PEW: and I'll be totally honest about it.......I don't mind leaving
LM: No... this isn't a "half" and "half" problem. It’s all on you why things escalate.
PEW: i don't mind telling you that I'm not going to change
LM: You can't control your mouth. You know it, I know it. It becomes "half and half" when we BOTH exhibit self-control.
PEW: whatever LM
LM: If you were able to find a way to do that, we would have disagreements about things that rarely, if ever, got out of control. You don't think it's that simple, but it is.
PEW: it isn't but whatever you say
LM: You won't ever know unless you try. But since you are on the record as telling me that you "ain't going to change" then it won't.
PEW: unless it's regarding the boys.....I don't really care about your opinion
LM: You rarely care about that, too. Who are you kidding.
PEW: ok let's stop
LM: ok


"I don't mind telling you that I'm not going to change." This would ultimately lead to my making the decision, albeit it only temporarily, to tell her that I am filing for divorce. Then, the woman who has pleaded with me for a divorce for years will tell me that it's not what she wants. Maddening.

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Her Divorce Plan is Hatched - February 2003

Do I know this for sure? No, I can't truly say that I do. It is only classical hindsight. It's about one year before the day she actually files for divorce. Having lived with her leaving and/or threatening to leave more than 30-times during the course of our relationship and having poured over the documentation countless times in preparation for everything associated with the divorce & custody proceedings, I think I recognized a difference in the "tone" of her communication and it starts with this one. While it's not the first where she talks about the aftermath of such proceedings, some of the content, particularly her comment about being "forced" out of the marital home, point to a deeper level of research on her part.

Subsequent actions, the unknown credit card obtained a few months later which was quickly rung up to several thousand dollars worth of debt, lying to me about her actual income (understating it), and other things supported my thought that her actions were planned well in advance of filing. I suppose after years of her "crying wolf" - I just didn't see it until much later this year as being a real threat with which she may finally follow-through.


PEW: hey....
LM: sup?
PEW: are you sure you don't want to do this together......
LM: Yes. Yes, I'm sure.
PEW: so if I file....what happens next
LM: I don't know. Do what you have to.
PEW: what if they order you to leave. what will you do
LM: I don't have the time nor the inclination to discuss this now. Nobody has the authority to "order" me to leave my home.


While it didn't happen to me, clearly I know better. Men are forced out of their home with alarming frequency, often with the abuse of the restraining order process, with false accusations of domestic violence. It is the #1 weapon in the arsenal of a vindictive spouse and all it takes is an accusation, without proof, to obtain a restraining order, exclusive possession of the marital household, and temporary custody of the children (which will then typically result in a permanent order of sole or primary custody).


PEW: ok fine......well I thought I'd check with you before I go spend $500. it would be much easier if we could do this together. and figure out the best possible arrangement
LM: Well, I don't want a divorce... so if you do... you do what you have to.
PEW: ok LM....... that's fine. it flies in the face of the way you live..... but fine if that's the way you want to do it. if we sell this house.....we could both afford a nice little town house. $500 mortgage......I could work full time
LM: PEW, you have absolutely no clue what you are talking about.
PEW: I wouldn't ask for support from you for myself....just for the kids


Yet, it's the very first thing she did after filing. Surprised? I certainly wasn't.


LM: So, please stop. I have no time for this now. If we "sell this house" neither of us will end up with enough money to put a downpayment on a shed. We'll be lucky to cover the mortgage and the home equity loan. And we'll have nothing in the bank. That's the fact.
PEW: bull and you know it. i don't care
LM: I know you don't.
PEW: i really don't.....I don't want any money. i just want out


Lie. She spared no effort nor expense to maximize her "take" after the divorce. In fact, absurd efforts and expense as she ended up netting far less (net less-than-zero) than I had offered her to settle matters in the few months after her filing. We're talking tens-of-thousands of dollars, folks. Not chump change.


LM: Just don't paint yourself this pipe dream of what it will be like after a divorce.
PEW: you can keep all the furniture. i'm not
LM: Because it ain't gonna be good for anybody.
PEW: i know it'll be hard......
LM: Now, enough.
PEW: but at least i'll be my own person
LM: Do what you have to.
PEW: ok....i have every intention of doing so. goodbye
LM: ok


What's amazing about this delusion is, if not for my efforts to keep her at bay, she would be just as frequently abusive and combative in the aftermath of the divorce as she was in it. Only, she would have a claim to a substantial portion of my income in addition to everything else she obtained after the split.

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PEW: "I'm Having a Breakdown"

Yes, PEW has yet another near meltdown over her inability to handle the children. What a way to kick-off the new year (1/8/2003). Remember again, the examples shown here are only the documented situations. There are an untold number of undocumented (face-to-face discussions and arguments) that go along with these. This is where I get frustrated when going through numerous custody evaluations, the evidence is ignored or otherwise disregarded when critical decisions are made to relegate one parent or the other (infrequently the mother) to an extremely limited parental role in the aftermath of a divorce. This stuff, documented evidence of suicidal thoughts and threats, the systematic verbal and emotional abuse (and, much more limited - physical abuse)... all of this was rendered completely useless in the process that I've endured since 2004.


PEW: I wish you'd stop needling me about stuff
LM: ok
PEW: like yesterday when you said, ok I'll fill this out because I know you'll never do it. and when you said meatloaf wasn't a real dinner
LM: #1 was needling. #2 was being funny to get another dinner out of you. The meatloaf was absolutely delicious.


Admittedly, there were times where my attempts at humor have fallen quite flat, though I imagine that's no surprise to some readers. Still, in a small way, it demonstrates my repeated claims of doing (and enjoying) the bulk of the cooking. "...to get another dinner out of you." No, that doesn't make it right.


PEW: and when you rolled your eyes when my sister said that I treat you like a king
LM: You even laughed with me last night. Let me ask you a question. Better yet... I won't. Look, when something happens that I don't like... I'm saying something about it.
PEW: and then you complain to me about not having sex
LM: I'm sorry if you can't deal with that. You have no problem letting me know when you don't like something.


Remember now, this is the same woman who would call me "impotent, gay" and other assorted demeaning names. This is the same woman who will repeatedly tell you that I wasn't the one who was interested in having intimate relations with her. Need I say again that she is the ultimate master of projection?


PEW: well.....i'm about to check myself into [the local mental health facility....]
LM: I don't hang up my pants.
PEW: so you keep it up
LM: I shut doors. I turn out lights. I don't break your balls for "needling" me. These are things that bother you. And you tell me so.
PEW: i don't needle you half as much.....
LM: Whatever.
PEW: ok well you obviously don't understand the seriousness of the situation



She didn't lie there. She didn't needle me "half as much." She needled me at least 10-times more. Maybe 100-times more.

Actually, it has been very clear that I did (and still do) understand the seriousness of the situation. If she had checked herself into the clinic, she would have been doing everyone a huge favor - most importantly - herself. However, I always knew it was an empty "threat" and something on which she would never follow through. Despite these fleeting moments of self-realization, the reality for her was that there was nothing wrong with her. It was always everyone else, including her belief that S1 must have some mental illness.


LM: You're looking for a fight. Not a discussion.
PEW: no i'm not
LM: Sorry. I'm not in the mood.
PEW: i'm looking for help. not a fight
LM: No, you're not.
PEW: ok well forget all that.....
LM: Because when I offer you help, ideas, suggestions... you get pissed at me. So, I'm in a lose-lose situation as usual.
PEW: because if I could follow that...I'd do it
LM: I can't help that. If you simply "can't" follow that, then you should consider seeing a doctor. I can only make suggestions that will alleviate SOME of the things the kids do to bother you.
PEW: I talked to the Pediatrician and she said I need time to myself everyday
LM: When S2 whines getting dressed...
PEW: I don't get that
LM: I break his chops.
PEW: ok my sister is here with S1
LM: I say "git back here" and tickle him or put his pants on roughly while he tries to get away from me.


Just so there is no misunderstanding, when I say I put his pants on "roughly" - it was in a fun way. It didn't take me long to figure out that there are options other than anger and frustration when dealing with the things a near 2-year old does. Getting S2 dressed was one of those situations. I could find a way to make it fun or find a way to make it upsetting.

When I would finally "chase him down" - I would pretend to struggle putting on his pants, jostling him around and using a funny voice during the feigned struggle. This would make S2 laugh hysterically and would almost always end with him throwing his arms around my neck with a big hug. This occurred regardless of whether his escape artistry was rooted in upset or just looking for a good time. The rough-housing dress effort almost always turned into a laughing session.

PEW just wanted complete obedience and everything that was necessary managing the children during the day to be completely without problem. She "can't handle" things otherwise. I'm still not sure what she expected from 2-year old and 4-year old boys. Perhaps she thought they would be self-supporting by then. I just thank the Lord above that I didn't give-in to having the boys diagnosed with phantom ADHD or similar and end up being prescribed drugs to zombify them.


PEW: when you get home i'm going over her house to exersize
LM: If he does get away... I chase him. You... get mad.
PEW: LM, I'm having a breakdown
LM: I believe you. I really do.
PEW: i'm sorry I can't follow your suggestion. no you don't understand. good bye
LM: Don't tell me you can't. You simply won't. That's the problem. What is so hard about that?
PEW: you know
LM: What is so hard about turning his "hard time" into something funny?
PEW: all you ever care about is yourself
LM: There you go. Looking for a fight. As I said. Tell why you "can't." That one simple thing. That makes you mad every day. S2 giving you a hard time getting dressed. Define for me "can't"
PEW: because I have a serious PMS disorder.....
LM: Then go see a doctor.
PEW: and all I can hear is the whining and fighting
LM: I can't fix that, PEW.
PEW: I did
LM: Go to one that understands frigging English.


She changed doctors often. This one in particular, I didn't like. Not that his country of origin mattered to me (Russia), but he was a GP that prescribed her things like Prozac. Despite my lack of a medical degree, it was my personal belief that mind-altering substances for depression and that ilk deserve something more significant that an appointment with a GP. This dude would prescribe her whatever she wanted and most of the time, I had no idea what she was taking.

I also couldn't understand him the one or two times he had called. (His practice didn't last long - at least, not in the location he was at the time.)


PEW: yeah well it costs money
LM: I don't care.
PEW: everytime I turn around something else is going wrong with me physically
LM: Stop putting up roadblocks to allow yourself to piss and moan without finding an effective solution. "It costs money" is not the issue. The problems you are feeling are the issue.
PEW: if you're so great with the kids.....how come they aren't bathed and the house isn't cleaned the nights you're here with them. that's what I want to know
LM: I do wash. I do clean up the floor. I do most of the cooking. I clean up the kitchen most nights. I do the dishes. I empty the dishwashers. The last few nights... I have fallen asleep with them, because I don't feel well.


I just wouldn't stop with my compulsion to repeatedly repeat myself repeating the repetition of repeating things over and over and over repetitiously. Damn.

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Mark It Down - We Have a Civil Discussion

Monday morning (5/5), I receive the following email from PEW:

LM,

I meant to ask the boys....particularly S2 about what Mr. Neighbor said to him outside yesterday. I'm not sure if he said anything to S1, but there was more arguing and fighting between the kids this weekend and I thought I heard Mr. Neighbor say to the boys that "you don't want Dad to get involved if you're messing with my kids" If he said what I think he said, I'm going to go ballistic on him. The kids argue and I generally just send them home and I don't get involved with the petty details of why they were fighting in the first place and they spend ALOT of time over here. So I was going to say, if you have a problem with my children you don't talk to them, you talk to me. I am so pissed off I wish I remembered to ask the boys about that. Can you see what they say to you about it?

~PEW

It's been a while since I spoke of her next-door neighbors. These are the ones with two boys the same age as ours. The older one, we'll call him "Joker" - is about as scary a boy of 9-years old can be. He's got "that look" in his eye that I didn't like the moment I first saw him. This is the kid with a toy-gun arsenal that would impress a branch of our armed-forces. The one who used to shoot me to death if he was outside and I was doing an exchange at her house (back when I had to do that). This is the kid who's father bought him several bb-guns. This same child has apparently shot S1 and S2 on several occasions, which I didn't find out until far too much time had passed to actually do anything about it. Their latest purchase for their scary oldest son - a cross-bow. A real, true to life, powerful and deadly cross-bow. Just what I needed to hear.

Long story shortened, I've given the boys practical advice regarding these two "friends." When they act up, go home. If you see the guns or the cross-bow leave the house - go home. Tell mom to call the police and insist that the police confiscate them.

This communication from PEW gave me the opportunity to discuss the matter with her. The email was followed by an early morning phone call and I called her back about 10:00AM to find out what the situation was. This was an "urgent matter pertaining to the children."

Apparently, all of the kids have been fighting and arguing incessantly for some time. Unsurprisingly, PEW doesn't know how to manage such situations. Some of the weekend highlights included:

- Finally breaking down and when the neighbor kids got out of control, told them to leave. "Joker" would not leave. Sat down, put his feet up on the table, and just stayed despite her repeated pleas to leave the house and get home.

- After said ejection, both boys, Joker and his younger brother we'll call "Goblin," began an incessant "knock-knock zoom-zoom" effort. (Ringing the door bell and running.)

- They created and held up graphic signs indicating the S1 and S2 should "suck their..."

- Apparently, her "wonderful neighbors" recently had a new baby and they don't spend a whole lot of time with the older two... not that I believed that they've been all that great at parenting them before the newborn. According to PEW, she allows them to run wild, and the first place they typically run is her house and "she doesn't know how to handle it."

- Joker and Goblin regularly barge into PEW's home uninvited, but according to the boys, she never really does anything about it and expects them to play with Joker and Goblin - even when they really don't want to.

- They dumped trash on her porch after being ejected.

Still, PEW did nothing except tell the boys to stop looking out the window. As she would tell it, by the time she was compelled to call next door, one or both parents had taken care of it.

So, without blaming her for history, I reminded her of my concerns regarding Joker and Goblin going way back. I expressed deep disappointment at the bb-gun incidents, but since it was water under the bridge, we would decide how to handle it going forward. We spoke of our mutual fear regarding the addition of a real-life cross-bow to Joker's aresenal.

What was the real purpose of her call? She wanted ME to call the neighbors and address the issues with them.

I told her that while I sympathized with her situation, there was simply no way I was going to get involved in her disagreements with her neighbors. That was her situation to handle and I would not be injecting myself into it unless something happened that warranted my intervention - and that intervention would involve the police. In the interim, it was her responsibility to address the situation with her neighbors. She even tried to play the "I'm a woman" card, telling me that she thinks that Mr. Neighbor (allegedly) said what he said because she's a woman and figured that there was no man there to challenge him. For that reason, I should come down there and do something about it. Well, Mr. Neighbor is about the size of a racehorse jockey and probably intimidates few. Further, PEW isn't the size of a racehorse jockey and could probably take him if it ever got physical. Her neighbors, her issue with which to deal.

My suggestions to her were as follows:

- If the children come over uninvited, ask them to leave once. Then call the parents to come retrieve their children and remind them to teach them respect for their neighbor's home.

- Call Mr. and Mrs. Neighbor and tell them their children are no longer welcome at your home for "a while." A month. The summer. I don't care. The boys don't like them. We all fear them. They're not welcome.

- Express your feelings regarding Joker being in possession of bb-guns and now a cross-bow.

- THE BIGGIE: If you or the children ever see the bb-guns or the cross-bow ever come out of your neighbor's house, call the police. I don't care if you have to LIE and tell the cops the child pointed it at you. Call the police, get them there, and insist that they confiscate the weapons.

- I told her AND more important, S1 and S2 - if they see those weapons again, they are to call me right away.

I didn't put any blame on her. I didn't tell her that this should have been addressed a long time ago. I simply made suggestions how she might want to handle things going forward, even if it meant the neighbors didn't like her. The boys deserve that protection from these two tyrants and their disinterested parents.

She listened and not for even an instant did she deviate from the discussion. She thanked me at the end of our conversation. Soon thereafter, I received the following email:

LM,

Thanks for letting me vent this morning. I spoke to Mrs. Neighbor and told her what I thought I heard. I told her I think the kids need to take a break from each other for a while. She was fine with that and agreed that they've been fighting alot. We'll see after a few weeks.

I agree with you about the crossbow. it's supposed to be put away unless he's supervised.

~PEW

I'm guessing she soft-shoed it, which isn't something I would have done, particularly given the history with the bb-guns and all the other outrageous behavior I've heard about from the boys. BUT... at least she took some action and hopefully the appearance of putting her foot down is a start.

My reply to the above:

PEW,

It was an urgent matter pertaining to the children. Given the stories I've heard, I'm concerned about their safety, particularly with regard to the bb-guns and now the cross-bow.

I pray that if you ever see them out in the open with those weapons, you'll call the police. Joker clearly cannot handle such responsibility and his level of "supervision" is obviously seriously lacking. I just told the boys when they told me the stories about getting shot... if they're out with weapons - you go inside... period. Tell mom. She'll take action.

Please let me know about anything involving Joker and his "arsenal." There is a lot of risk there.

I'll let you know what their version of events is tonight. I think the "break" was the right thing to do. Here's hoping Mr. Neighbor is made abundantly clear about the arrangement by Mrs. Neighbor.

~LM

I spoke to the boys after school and neither of them have any recollection of Mr. Neighbor saying anything to them, let alone what PEW believes she heard from her front porch. No big deal to me, mind you, the situation needed to be addressed regardless.

LM,

Mrs. Neighbor says, he doesn't have any bb's and the bow is away. If that changes I will certainly take action. She agreed that they need the break too. She also assured me that she was going to talk to Mr. Neighbor about the way he handled it. I'll wait to hear from you about what the boys say.

~PEW

So, it appears for now that we're all clear about how things are going to be going forward. I was certain that when I refused to "be the bad guy" on her behalf, that would be the end of the discussion, but she (for now) took it in stride. I don't want to have to "wait" until something more serious happens (like another bb-gun attack or a cross-bow mishap) - but given how I'm likely portrayed in that neighborhood anyway, the LAST thing I need to be doing is strolling on into that clusterflod and being the big, bad concerned father who will then fit exactly what she has described to them.

Her neighbors. Her problem. She needs to deal with it. And if something like the bb-gun incident happens ever again and I hear about it - they'll all pay a very steep price. Hopefully, it won't be because one of the boys lost an eye or was found in the driveway with an arrow sticking out of his chest.

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Childhood Sleep Aid: A Few Whacks on the Butt

Despite not being the primary part of this discussion, I couldn't help but draw attention to this technique PEW used to get S2 to fall asleep.

The topic is really about tax preparation. I had been using a very reputable CPA firm on a referral from one of my brothers. Top-notch work. Cut-rate price. Loads of confidence and no worries. This guy left no stone unturned when it came to maximizing our benefits on the tax filings for several years. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Unless you're the psycho ex-wife.

PEW often had a habit of promising things to people first and then asking me if it was "okay" later. Unsurprisingly, this almost exclusively would occur on a topic that was going to be a major issue for me. More often than not, it was usually about Aunt PP (psycho SIL) babysitting one or both of the children. This time, it was about switching our tax preparation to one of her "oldest friends," who, strangely enough, I hadn't heard word-one about until he comes out of the woodwork looking for business. It's December 30th, 2002 - so that would make it approximately the 8th-year of our relationship.


PEW: oh....i can't wait to go to work… ball busters - wait till you hear this
LM: oh dear
PEW: nap time....I put S2 in the crib.... lay with S1.... in our room.... S2 is freaking out and freaking out..... for like 1/2 hour. so I go in and me and S1 lay in his bed.......and he's still carrying on and on.....
PEW: well I lay him down a couple times..... then once I give him a few wacks on the butt.... and S1 gets so hysterical laughing that he gets the hiccups. i'm like...what is so funny about that..... he's like....I don't know.....it just looks funny. then S2 wakes up after a 1/2 hour


Now, I'm not a perfect parent, but feel as though I have strong parenting skills. The last time I checked my imaginary parenting reference manual, I saw no section which suggested that repeatedly whacking a child on the butt would aid in having said child go down for a nap more readily. It would seem to me that the stinging sensation associated with said beating would preclude the transition into a restful sleep period.

If anyone reading has a different experience with the butt-spanking sleep-aid methodology, please email me or reply here with a comment on the details.


PEW: hey, i know you were happy with the accountant but.... John is out of work right now.......do you think we could let him do our taxes......
LM: I'd prefer not. I'm not sure he is as "carefully creative" as [our CPA]. And I'm not switching on the basis of charity. Sorry.
PEW: John is great. well he's one of my oldest friends and he's a great accountant
LM: I'm also not fond of friends being knowledgable about my personal finances.
PEW: oh well......i guess I have no choice then
LM: I don't know what there is to discuss. I am sympathetic to John's plight. But we have a highly established, reputable firm which is taking care of our business.
PEW: well I don't understand your loyalty to [CPA firm].
LM: Here it is: highly established, reputable firm which is taking care of our business.


A fairly straightforward explanation if I do say so myself. I gave the irresponsible spender and money-manager a reasonable explanation and hoped against hope that would suffice. That doesn't work. I'll assume, probably correctly, that she either flat-out promised "John" the business or led him to believe the switch would be a no-brainer. A failure to convince me would mean having to call back John and tell him no... keeping my interminable streak of "bad guy" going strong.


PEW: do you really think they would take better care of us than John
LM: I know I'm not like you in wanting to keep my personal finances private.
PEW: doubt it
LM: But that's the way I am.
PEW: whatever.......our finances would be as private as they are with [our CPA] doing them. you've never even met john
LM: It isn't about personality PEW. Stop badgering me because you want to help out a good friend.
PEW: no shit
LM: Please.
PEW: he's not your friend....he's mine
LM: I know.
PEW: so your finances would still be private
LM: PEW - the answer is no. Sorry. Your friend's unemployment isn't compelling enough a reason for me to switch.
PEW: well he's been an accountant for 20 years...... he was with the same firm for 15 years..... a Jr partner
LM: You told him that you would ask me didn't you? And now you're going to make me out to be an asshole because I don't want to. Is that what this is about? LM is an asshole. Sorry John. I tried. Right?
PEW: no he didn't ask me
LM: Did you offer?
PEW: no
LM: Then I don't know what more you want from me.
PEW: he has class not like you
LM: I appreciate his credentials. I'm not compelled to switch at this point.
PEW: i can't stand you
LM: Good bye.
PEW: you have been such an asshole lately.