How Do You Teach Children Commitment, Loyalty, Responsibility?

Answer: Well, it wouldn't be by letting them out of their Scouts commitment because "they don't feel like doing it."

These are the days that can be so frustrating. It's not my custody week, but last night, the last official Pack Meeting was scheduled and it was going to be fun and interesting - as most of them are. The big feature for yesterday, a beautiful, sunny day, would be the parent/scout kickball game. The weather was perfect for it, too.

Giving PEW the kind of respect I don't often get, I sent a text message to find out if it would be an imposition if I attended tonight. The reason I do this is because I don't want her imposing herself on any activities that occur on my custodial period. That doesn't stop her, but I don't much mind. I do probably make too much of an effort to do what *I* perceive to be "the right thing." The secondary reason? I had a sneaking suspicion that she wouldn't take them anyway. She certainly isn't in any shape to participate in a kickball game and is the picture of a sedentary, food & drink consuming lifestyle.

I was correct in my suspicion as confirmed by her at the last minute while I was getting ready to roll out. She is that predictable.

I was going to go to the Pack Meeting anyway. Yes, a little part of me wanted to be asked by another parent or the leader just so I could say, "Well, they're with mom this week and decided that they just didn't want to participate. I thought I'd come to help out and have fun with the Pack anyway." I'm disappointed because I managed to develop some decent relationships with other parents over the course of the last 6-months insofar as activities and interactions within. This would have been a tremendous amount of fun, I'm sure. I turned around half-way there after chatting about things with DW on the phone. Among the reasons:

- It wasn't worth it and could backfire.

- It could look creepy that you would come to play with the other children while yours weren't in attendance.

- People would wonder why you didn't just go get the kids and bring them and you certainly didn't want to have to be put on the spot explaining that one, if anyone was even bold enough to ask. They would certainly wonder.

This really sucks. A couple of other things come to mind. I could offer to pick them up and take them myself! No. No, I couldn't. I avoid doing anything that involves me going to her home for a pickup/dropoff unless absolutely necessary. I'm sure undermining her decision to allow the kids to dictate their attendance at the Pack Meeting would have been cause for a confrontation. She could simply say, "no" - which is another confrontation. Or, the kids would be resistant that I was "forcing" them to go and there would be a scene. That's not something I want to happen on "her turf."

She contributes almost nothing to their scouting effort. She hasn't gotten them their new books since they've moved up a level. The boys regularly tell me that mom does nothing with them regarding Scouts while with her (aside from attending meetings sometimes with them). This is the case despite her signing S1 up for Scouts. She didn't sign S2 up because he "didn't feel like it." I got him in 3-months after it started and caught him up on my time when I explained to him the types of activities and lessons he would be missing as a result of not feeling like it. He's loved it.

I've worked very hard to instill the commitment, loyalty, teamwork, responsibility - all hallmarks of the scouting effort. Yet, when mom decides to balk and let them out of their responsibilities because the truth is - she doesn't feel like doing it - it ruins it. It really does.

Now, when I get them on Sunday, we'll be having a discussion about all of those things and how I'm disappointed that they simply "didn't feel like it" doesn't meet with my approval. I get to be the big ogre right out of the gate for the week. Too bad for me. These are important lessons and if I'm going to be the one repeatedly trying to reinforce these important lessons, it is something I'll simply have to deal with. Perhaps a lesson in how their day-to-day lives would be impacted if I just "didn't feel like" doing certain things is in order.

It just chaps my ass that instead of being with their Scout Pack, they're probably home watching television, playing video games, or doing some other non-value added activity that teaches them nothing but the laziness that their mother instills in them. Another opportunity for a fun physical activity and exercise wasted.

I really wanted to go despite their absence, but I think DW made some very valid points during our discussion and the potential negative consequences were too much to risk for the sake of being an adult participant with the Pack tonight.

I wonder if the few who criticized my decision to keep S1 out of a Den activity earlier this year as "sending the wrong message" would feel as strongly about Mom's choice to not go because they didn't feel like it (including mom)? At least back then, the decision was made due to S1 getting in a physical confrontation at school.

I'm very disappointed.

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I'm So Fat. I'm Disgusted With Myself

Another "can't take the kids anymore" exchange. It's also combined with an argument about the holiday season again. After the entire pathetic discussion about not doing a big holiday Christmas Eve thing involving my family and tapering it back quite a bit, she left me twisting in the wind when I had told my family that we were pushing back the get-together to the weekend after Christmas. While in the middle of that announcement, she chimes in, "we're not really sure." I had enough.


PEW: AAAAHHHHRRRRGGGG
LM: uh oh. Cuteness wear off?
PEW: S2 refused to take a nap. he was freaking. i'm so fat. i'm so disgusted with myself. it's not even funny. i've been eating out of anxiousness


...for the last 8-years...


LM: Super.
PEW: super?
LM: Not really. I just don't know what you expect me to say in response. So I say something irrelevant.
PEW: i don't expect you to say anything but try to feel a little compassion. not be judgemental
LM: ok. Not being judgmental.
PEW: now the cuteness has worn off. he was just climbing all over my fucking back and pulled my hair when he lost his balance
LM: omg
PEW: why can't these kids leave me alone for two fucking seconds
LM: Close the door. Hey... There is a CD in the drawer of the PC. Turn the speakers on. Open and reclose the drawer. It will play. S2 will leave you alone.
PEW: well i don't really want to spend alot of time on here......i really would like to get some things done around the house.....but they follow me from room to room........S2 whining the whole time i can't stand it anymore
LM: ok
PEW: did you call your aunt c....
LM: No, I'll call tonight. Talked to my Mom to find out who called "Open House." She said, not her... Probably Aunt R....
PEW: why don't you want her there?
LM: No no...
PEW: i think I called it an open house when I talked to you......
LM: I just don't want a parade. Someone is here, hang on.
PEW: you're unbelievable. she said "I heard you have a "thing" on christmas eve"......
LM: Hang on.
PEW: no I gotta go
LM: k. He's gone. Anyhoo... I meant... NO, I don't mind her coming. And please don't tell me that I'm unbelievable.
PEW: well why the inquisition about finding out who called it "open house"


Drama Queen. It wasn't an inquisition. I was trying to make sure that whoever was expanding the roster for the get-together was clear that it was a scaled-back affair from previous years. Obviously, my paranoia was heightened in that I feared she would get pissed if it became something more than the small affair centered around the children. But then, it didn't matter as neither side of that coin would result in anything but chaos and terror from the PEW.


LM: It wasn't an inquisition. Look, we went from doing something Xmas eve, to doing it on the 28th. We fought over having something on the 24th.
PEW: it pisses me off that you don't listen.....I told you she talked to Aunt R....
LM: I tell people the 28th, then you come back to me and tell me that everyone is welcome on the 24th.
PEW: i don't give a shit if we do nothing.....I'm a busy woman. i don't have time for your shit that's for sure
LM: On TGiving, I say the 28th, and you stand next to me and tell people well, "you're not sure."
PEW: no I didn't
LM: So, I really don't know what the fuck is going on. Sorry if I am confused. Yes, you did.


Yes, she did. After all of the drama about scaling things back, I told my family. As I was telling my family, she chimes in, "we're not really sure." Ummm, yes we were really sure until the moment she opened her fat mouth again. Of course, then it instantly became my fault.


PEW: well when you figure it out let me know
LM: When YOU figure it out, you let me know.
PEW: here's what I am doing.......
LM: I was content with US on Xmas Eve, and dinner on the 28th.
PEW: christmas eve......i'm taking S1 to mass at 6pm
LM: Everything changed, to MY surprise, at TGiving.
PEW: no it didn't
LM: When you hedged about Saturday. Yes, you did.
PEW: what are you talking about… hedged> when?
LM: I said "Saturday," and you stood right next to me and said, "Well, we're not sure." You did.
PEW: ok....well tell everyone we're not doing anything......
LM: Then, a week ago, you tell me to tell everyone that they ARE invited over on the 24th.
PEW: i'll be here after mass on christmas eve. i'll have coffee. cookies. i'm tired of this with you. i'm not doing ANYTHING. not dinner.... i'm doing my own thing on christmas eve. with my children. i don't care what you do
LM: See, that's my point.
PEW: you're always concerned about everyone else but me anyway
LM: That was our original message. That is the message I told everyone.
PEW: good great. i'll see them on the 23rd
LM: But then YOU changed it.
PEW: ok well then i'll change it again
LM: Okay.
PEW: i'm tired of everybody's shit anyway. i'm gonna be selfish for a change
LM: For a change?!?! LOL! Whatever, PEW. Okay.


Tired of everybody's shit? No one ever gave us any shit ever. In fact, we were often complemented as being the place that had the best parties where people felt the most comfortable. We didn't particularly worry about where people ate and drank, we weren't a "shoes off" household, stuff like that. EVERYONE loved to come to our house for festivities.


PEW: yeah I know it's okay
LM: I know. I get to look like the ass and tell everyone... PEW changed her mind again. Nobody is invited over at all. Merry Christmas. Sorry for the inconvenience. You're such an asshole.
PEW: it's ok....because I work 25 hours a week and take care of two active little boys the rest of my time
LM: Okay. Well, I'm not taking off Monday then.
PEW: well...why don't you fucking make dinner for YOUR family
LM: That's fine. I'll do that. You go somewhere else this holiday season and spare everyone your madness.


As if I had never done that before. You would think she did everything in that household.


PEW: when are we having my family over. NEVER
LM: Whenever you want.


Funny thing was that I could count on both hands how many times her family visited us at our home(s) in (at that point) 8-years. They lived the closest and rarely ever came. It's not as though they weren't invited from time to time. When they came, they rarely stayed long. They just couldn't be bothered.


PEW: you make dinner.....i'll lay around all day like you do. ok
LM: lol Yeah, that's what I do.
PEW: why would I look forward to hosting your family when all they do is criticize anyway
LM: Stop making shit up because you're stressed out.
PEW: i'm gonna enjoy my holiday for the first time in 8 years
LM: I know. Take a hike and let everyone else enjoy theirs, too.
PEW: i'm not making anything up
LM: Here we go with the annual "my family is evil" rant. Go on.
PEW: well after I suffer through holidays with your family......you'll show up and start a fight at my family get together right? i have nothing to be stressed about?
LM: Nope.
PEW: thank god my parents gave me $500
LM: I didn't start a fight.
PEW: i did
LM: Yep. You and your sister did.
PEW: yep. also....if you don't take off monday....i'm working monday night
LM: That's fine. You can work Monday night. Wouldn't want you to be a hypocrite and hang out with my family anyway.


Now there's some kind of threat! She's threatening to leave me the hell alone! What a blessing that would be!


PEW: good.....I need the money. i'm tired of not having enough money.....I need the hours. I'm not giving up 8 hours so I can be snubbed by C.... AGAIN. bullshit
LM: ok. Hell, work 20-hours if you want. I don't mind, really!
PEW: and you can stay home on christmas day when I go see my family....so you don't ruin it for me again
LM: That's fine. Are you finished?
PEW: for now
LM: I should really go to make sure nobody in your family makes fun of their character traits again. Or, you can go and leave the kids with me. lol
PEW: well since my parents bought christmas for the kids AGAIN.....that's not really fair now is it
LM: Oh they did not.
PEW: oh....but they did
LM: Oh no they didn't.
PEW: they'd be opening 3 toys a piece if it was up to you
LM: We bought the kids gifts before your parents gave you that money.
PEW: yeah......ok
LM: Yeah, okay is right. They get plenty of toys... from us and from others.
PEW: i don't care.......I like the excitement of them finding stuff under the tree
LM: So do I. It's as exciting to find 15 things under the tree as it is 30.
PEW: ok
LM: ok. You've bought them shit they've never played with. Because it's about you, not about them. As usual.


I've mentioned before the freakish nature of her gift-giving and gift-receiving. It has nothing to do with the recipient and everything to do with her appearances to everyone. Of course, that would exclude me, not that I cared all that much. It was refreshing to see that I actually called her on it.


PEW: listen......nothing is about me......
LM: Yeah yeah... I know. It's me, right? You are so predictable it's sick. Get over yourself. Find somebody else to bitch to, because I've heard this same story every year. You're wrong, and you know it.
PEW: listen.......
LM: So you just blame blame blame.
PEW: no......I'd like to see you do what I do everyday
LM: Everyone else is responsible for your miserable mood. Not you.
PEW: getting S1 to school on time.....dragging S2 with me everyday. having to take them intoo stores with me..... taking them to the doctors
LM: Sorry, I have to go to work during those hours.
PEW: working a difficult job..... you don't work
LM: Here we go. Okay... I have to be at a job site during those hours. Make you happy?
PEW: right. yep
LM: I don't work, but I can't be home, sorry.
PEW: i'm glad you admist it
LM: Yeah. As if you had a clue.
PEW: trust me.....i know
LM: Sure you do.
PEW: well don't sit there....and act like you could handle things so much better than me when you never even take these two out of the house
LM: That's cause you're too busy using our van as [your work’s] personal coach.
PEW: bullshit.....i'd take your heap anytime you asked me to
LM: Then take it every time.
PEW: I don't even use our van once a week....know it all. fine
LM: You wouldn't take my heap unless you HAD to.


Here I was, wondering why our brand new minivan was racking up all kinds of mileage when her workplace was but a few miles away. I discovered that she was using it to transport the clients (children, mind you) to various appointments and other places. I nearly had a meltdown because of the liability involved. Not only were we not insured for her to use it for her workplace, there was no agreement regarding liability. I pointed the fact out to her that we could be in HUMONGOUS trouble if she were to ever get into an accident and those children were injured or killed. The level of personal risk involved was incredible. She freaked out on me. Why? She didn't want to have to go back to her workplace and "unvolunteer" to use our personal vehicle for the facility's transportation needs. They HAD a van she could drive, but she chose to use ours instead. Again, all about appearances, even at great personal risk to her own family.


PEW: get the trash out of it
LM: Nope... because you shouldn't be using that as your work's chariot either.
PEW: there's no reason why you can't throw out all the shit in there. again......i rarely if ever use our cars
LM: But we all know that your work is more important than the potential impact on our household.
PEW: once in a great while
LM: Sure.
PEW: well.....I gotta work....otherwise I wouldn't have a penny to myself....so tough shit. unless you want to get a decent paying job. it's pretty sad.....that I enjoy a job where I get cursed out regularly....as opposed to being with you. my boss treats me like...shit......but it's still better than being home
LM: Yeah, then you bring all that angst home and take it out on me and talk badly about my family. Nice.
PEW: you wish that was why
LM: Talk about your passive aggressive and misplaced anger. Problem with you is... Everyone ELSE gets away with taking advantage of you.
PEW: bullshit. you take advantage of me
LM: But since you're too much of a spineless wimp to take issue with them... you lay it all on me. You'll sit with a drunk all afternoon...
PEW: drunk?
LM: You'll continue to get laughed at with your pay at work while allegedly doing the best job there... You'll listen to [E....] whine about her drug habits. You'll keep taking [niece]. Then, when it all gets too much... I'm there for you to unload on. Nice set up you got there. Really.
PEW: please. oh yeah i got the life. ripped clothes and all. everyone should envy me. and feel sorry for poor LM
LM: lol I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me.
PEW: you do nothing but nag nag nag me
LM: I'm proud of what I have. All you do is piss and moan about every stinking thing. You talk about the kids whining... holy crap. You should hear yourself.


Here's a woman who lived in a $300,000 home, had a new car just about every three years, a husband who thoroughly enjoyed being home with his family, was helpful, loyal, wasn't a drunk, drug-abuser, wife-beater (despite her claims), and had every comfort any middle-class person could have and she did NOTHING BUT COMPLAIN! Further, she didn't have to work if not for her penchant for spending us into a hole with rarely anything to show for it. Freak.


PEW: and nothing I ever complain about gets addressed
LM: I know. I don't make enough money. I know... whine whine whine
PEW: right
LM: You don't have enough stuff under the tree...
PEW: nag nag nag
LM: whine whine whine
PEW: nag nag nag turn the lights out....
LM: The kids don't let you do anything...
PEW: turn the christmas lights on.....
LM: Whine whine whine.
PEW: dont' forget. don't forget to call your doctor
LM: Hey, you're the bitch about money.
PEW: don't forget
LM: You can't bitch about money all the while wasting it, right? Sorry, can't let you have the cake and eat it too.
PEW: don't forget to check the lights on the car.....
LM: Call your fucking doctor. It isn't that hard. Or "won't the kids let you?"
PEW: hate to be a pest but the cell phone.....
LM: Check the truck lights... because you're fucking up the truck.
PEW: yeah it is shithead
LM: Ooops! The "kids" won't let you.
PEW: the kids turned the light on in the first place
LM: PEW, I've reduced the cell phone to 50 minutes for emergencies... Ooops! The "kids" don't stop you from using it like we have unlimited time. I'll pay the $80 for it, and you'll bitch that we have no money. I get it. *rolleyes* Get a clue, PEW.
PEW: you get a clue. cheapass
LM: Waste energy - costs money.
PEW: nagger
LM: You want money? Don't waste energy.
PEW: nag nag nag nag nag nag
LM: Cellphone is $10 so we have extra money.
PEW: you're an old fucking lady
LM: Don't use it like we have unlimited minutes. Now, instead of having $25 extra... We'll lose $70
PEW: i told you to shut the fucking phone off
LM: Nice job, PEW! That's my fault. Oh yeah... now your overuse is my fault. Nice trick!
PEW: yeah...you should have disconnected it when I told you to
LM: Yeah, I accept responsibility. That's my fault. You jackass.


When things got tight, we tightened our belts. A good place to save money was the cellphone. At the time, I could downsize the plan to what I termed "emergency status." We only got one when we had the children anyway. At the time, they had a plan that was $10/month for 50-minutes. Perfect. We discussed it and agreed to it. Imagine my surprise when she continued to use it like we had an unlimited plan. You can see her position above. Freak.


PEW: don't want to go christmas shopping with me.... don't want to do a family activity with me....
LM: Yes I did, and I had a great time doing it!
PEW: yeah but we fought first
LM: Yes I did, I just didn't want to go to the Crayon Factory. No we didn't.
PEW: don't remind me
LM: You create your own hysteria. You know it. ANYPLACE but the Crayon factory.
PEW: I had to take a toddler and a preschooler to something all alone
LM: ANY of YOUR ideas but the Crayon Factory.
PEW: asshole
LM: But hey... The Crayon Factory gives you an excuse to fight. right? You bitch that I don't put up lights.
PEW: well it was the perfect activity for them. it's not what is best for you
LM: But then, I stay home, and put up lights... on the day I promised S1 I would put them up.
PEW: it's what is best for them
LM: I know, but then I couldn't get the lights up...
PEW: if you werem
LM: And you were mad about that even though I said I was putting them up after Thanksgiving.
PEW: if you weren't such a tard you could have done both things
LM: If we stayed closer than the crayon factory, I get them both done. No, I couldn't. Not with you working all day Sunday. And me working during the week.
PEW: i could have put up the lgihts
LM: But nooooooooooo... you need to bitch.
PEW: any moron could do it. not that difficult
LM: You can even make a call to your doctor... because of the "kids" what makes you think you would put up lights? You can't barely get your ass out of bed in the morning and you're going to climb up in a tree and put up Christmas lights? Can't put up lights in the tree in the dark. You DID want lights in the tree, right? That's what you requested.
PEW: i just wanted freakin lights up
LM: No shit, sherlock. And they got up. It would have been another week if I had gone to the Crayon Factory. Then, you would have bitched about that. I know how it works, PEW.
PEW: whatever.....at least you won't be missed that much when you're not around anymore
LM: Yeah, okay. Then you can move into your parents' basement and they can take care of you again, wittle baby? Then they can abuse our kids just like they did you. Perfect!
PEW: someday, you'll be gone and it'll just be the 3 of us...... so don't worry about it.....I chalked it up to that
LM: lol
PEW: yeah it's real funny. keep laughing it up. you look up to your Dad so much i'm sure you'll follow in his footsteps in MOST ways
LM: Yep, when it doubt, insult. Way to spread that Christmas Cheer you miserable grinch. Are the kids keeping you tied to the PC? I mean, with all that stuff you allegedly have to do, you sure are wasting a lot of time with me, aren't you? You, who never have time, never have peace, never have cooperation.
PEW: nag nag nag.... you should know alot about insulting. did you find a girlfriend yet?
LM: *YAWN* You bore me.
PEW: should I start looking for a new husband. you need to find someone ten years younger
LM: No, you should start looking for a new holiday personality. This miserable act was old years ago. Go fuck yourself.
PEW: and just so you know...both boys are sitting right on my lap. we're doing the Toy Story CD because I actually play with them


So which is it, PEW? Are they "up your ass" and you "can't fucking take them anymore" - or are you playing with them voluntarily? Which is it? Freak.

This is one where I "let loose" a little bit. Perhaps not as much as the readership would have expected, but more than my usual defense and over-explaining myself while doing my damndest to avoid going into the gutter with her. Here I went gutter. It still isn't pretty as I read it. I'm not proud of it, but I imagine it probably felt really good at the time for a short moment.

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Cutting Class to Stay Home - Wrong Choice

Of course, do I ever make the right choice? Is there a right choice when you're dealing with a PEW?

By December of 2004, I had been taking between one and three college classes a semester. I started in 1995. In 10-years, folks... in 10-years, I had never missed or skipped a class.

12/4/2002 would be the first time. I was taking a computer programming class that had been extremely challenging. It didn't help that we were working on a group project and as much trouble as I was having, I was the best in our group. I assure you that this isn't saying very much.

I wasn't ready for the night's quiz, so I figured I'd blow it off, spend my evening reviewing, and then go up to the campus the following night to take the quiz. I had already spoken to my professor about the plan (absent the "I'm not really sick" part) and he was okay with it.


PEW: What time school?
LM: Probably 6:30ish, I could go later... till I finish failing the quiz. I'm afraid. I'd rather study up for a day or two and take it later. It was a very complex quiz.
PEW: great
LM: :-D
PEW: you should have just went last night
LM: Actually, no I shouldn't have. I wouldn't have been ready. In fact, I have no shot at being ready barring a miracle.
PEW: so what difference does it make


What the hell does she care, right? Irresponsibility was never a big deal to her. Better I just go and fail than to burn the class and take the quiz when I'm feeling a little more prepared.


LM: I can put my nose in the book and try to figure something out.
PEW: when
LM: S1's appt still on for tomorrow?
PEW: yes
LM: k
PEW: i think it's weird that the guy thinks that you can just run up there with no notice..... and I think it's weird that you just stayed home last night without talking to him first
LM: He's a PC geek that is full of his rhetoric about operating systems. I think you're looking to pick a fight and you better drop it quickly. How about you let me worry about my class?


Dude! Wake up, she's on the war-path! Looking back on this one, it ranks right up there with the money-stealing story in its absurdity.


PEW: i'll drop it allright.....
LM: Thank you.
PEW: shut up. i think you're up to something
LM: You know, PEW... I love how you ask me to leave you alone when you get PMS. Then, when I do, you find ways to poke at me. So then you can blame me for "being an ass" to you. Why all of a sudden are you concerned about me wanting to blow off a class? We are working on a project.
PEW: yeah...this is how you leave me alone....you don't go to school last night when my mom is here to help out.....
LM: Good bye. Leave me alone, please.
PEW: but you'll go up there tonight when I haven't been out of the house for 4 days


Classically honed victimhood skills, developed over a lifetime. It's amazing to me that on the 5th-night, when I have something to tend to, it's about her not being out of the house for 4 straight nights. Too bad I didn't think to ask her what stopped her from "going out" the prior 4-nights, not that it would have helped.


LM: Call your sister or someone else to fight with.
PEW: fuck you
LM: Okay? Thank you.
PEW: fuck you. fuck you
LM: Why are you making a fight out of me not going to class?
PEW: you sure you don't want to tell me more about your brother's game the other night
LM: And what would I tell you?
PEW: God....you are so self centered
LM: Just come out and accuse me, and get it over with? Drugs?
PEW: I don't know....more about the plays


I see! Two of my brothers played in an organized flag-football league. I managed to actually get to a game to watch them play. It was a lot of fun and I got to see the both of them make some very exciting, athletic plays. We all admired everyone's abilities, regularly rooted for one another, and were often excited to tell some tales. Apparently, my excitement saw me tell her about the experience and this was an imposition on her. The master at scuttling pretty much anything, but especially anything not about her, was at it again.


LM: Another woman?
PEW: I don't know and I don't really care. it would be her problem then wouldn't it
LM: Are you mad that I talked about their game? Sorry if I get some childish excitement out of watching my brothers play football. I won't burden you with that excitement in the future, I promise.
PEW: you are so selfish
LM: Why?
PEW: it's so funny.....you tell me to go fight with my sister or something...... you're the asshole who's been fighting with anyone and everyone
LM: Why am I selfish?
PEW: honestly
LM: Because I went to see my brothers play football? Because I blew off class?
PEW: because you didn't stay home last night because the boys were sick… yeah....ok
LM: Yeah, I guess that was selfish, using them as an excuse to stay home.
PEW: yeah
LM: Sorry about that.
PEW: i'm really getting tired of your bullshit. tired
LM: What bullshit?
PEW: just the bullshit
LM: Why does it bother you that I blew off class?
PEW: because now all the sudden you have to go tongiht
LM: I told him that I don't think I can make it tonight.
PEW: good because you can't. i'm going out. you went out monday..... you'll probably go out Friday. i'm going out tonight. I cancelled my freaking trip Saturday because I didn't want to leave you with the kids for 2-1/2 days. I really wish you wouldn't come home for lunch either. you're just annoying


PEW was a classic "tit-for-tat" personality. She was one who kept score - and she did so even when it didn't matter. I never stopped her from going out, seeing her friends, making plans, wanting some getaway time... never. Still, she always played victim to the hilt. The problem was, she was about as anti-social as they came. Her history was that she would need to get blind-drunk to "have a good time." Looking back, it was to cope with a social setting. Fortunately for her (health and well-being and that of the children), after S1 was born, she would get violently ill if she had more than 2-drinks. I can't explain why, it just was.

She would have 2 or 3 get-aways planned for the her parents' mountain retreat with her girlfriends. Usually, she would bail at the last minute for no particular reason (and ultimately blame me). This was one of those times. I have no idea why she undid the plans she had with everyone, but she did. She wasn't doing me any favors. I guess the fun of tormenting me was a more attractive proposition than going up the mountains with her pretend friends to just drink herself into a stupor again.

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Something Sweet Turned So Sour

The PEW would often leave me in an embarrassing lurch. I remind you of this in the event you hadn't realized it to this point. The holiday season of 2002 wasn't unlike any other holiday season. There was one exception. With all of my siblings now married, engaged, or otherwise involved with someone, Christmas was one holiday that we didn't alternate. Christmas festivities were held at our house on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, we would all scatter to our respective partner's family households.

This year, PEW decided she wanted to change things up under the interesting and admirable notion that the children were only young once and she preferred that we really just focus on them and not this big entertaining gig. At the time, I didn't realize that this meant not having a celebration with my family but retaining the celebration with her family, but then, I made a lot of really stupid choices didn't I? Of course, I also didn't realize a thing about borderline personality disorder and isolating one from their family and friends is on their menu of relationship destruction.

The opening of this particular example I believe was rooted in her desire to attempt to adopt one of the troubled children who was a client where she worked. That is another horrible debacle in and of itself... story for another day. The question came out of nowhere. (11/22/2002)


PEW: do you think that you could love a child that is not your blood like he or she was your own
LM: I have no clue. I have to believe yes. The only thing one can't do, is lie in bed like I did last night... I was on your side of the bed... He was awake, watching Charlie Brown... And I was just staring at how perfect his face was. And how stunningly beautiful our boys are. And how amazing it was that he is mine. And trying to picture his face 5, 10, and 15 years from now. There is a deep deep connection there that I believe can only be had with your own. But I'm sure that I can love any child right up to that point. Which is a lot, from my perspective.
PEW: Awwww that's so sweet. I agree
LM: I was just studying him. I do that a lot. Even when he is talking right to me.
PEW: you have such a way with words
LM: His facial expressions... everything. I just want to notice all of it. And remember all of it.
PEW: they are so cute. the only reason I asked is because there are so many people in this world....who can't even love their own children. it's so sad. not like we love our children


REALLY?!?!


LM: We need to talk aboiut Xmas eve. Dad & C.... won't be around for a Saturday event.
PEW: what do you want to talk about
LM: What we want to do. I actually had visions of us having people over but we baked a lotta cookies, had some wine and stuff, and then at some pre-determined time, we all sit down upstairs... and read Christmas stories. EVERYONE. Kids and Adults. We pick out like a dozen stories and everyone takes turns reading one. But then I thought people are gonna think that's dumb and not want to do it.


It's clear I had given this some thought and had some ideas that would meet the criteria for focusing on the children in some sort of fun way. I did truly think it would be a nice change from having a party where the adults did their usual thing and the kids did their usual thing and do something a little more involved.


PEW: well.....if you want to do something....it has to be completely centered around the kids. or I don't want to do it
LM: What do you think of the above? The stories and stuff?
PEW: I think that's a great idea. i really don't care if people think it's dumb
LM: lol. No big dinner thing. Not even pizza. Just like wine and cheese.
PEW: i have about 5 years only of this fun stuff....until some kid at their school tells them there's no santa
LM: Bake cookies. Dogs downstairs. I think we could do that and have everyone OUT by 10 at the absolute latest.
PEW: sooner than 10 would be much better for me


Of course, it's all about her. If it was her family, a sleep-over would be okay, though. How about this, PEW, why don't we just ask my family to drive-by, we'll have the children in the window and they can wave at each other for Christmas. Would that be quick enough for ya?


LM: I know... I'm thinking WORST case scenario. Think about it...
PEW: we also need to think of activities for the kids. books will only keep them busy so long
LM: We'll talk more later, find out if we REALLY BELIEVE it would be doable.
PEW: but you and MJM aren't going to stay up till 2am playing sega right?
LM: Right. We can do that on the weekend or something.


This became sort of an annual tradition. My brothers and I would drag out the old video game systems like Intellivision or Atari 2600. After the kids were in bed, we would all hang out down in the rec-room and play these ancients of the videogame genre and laugh our asses off at some of the memories. (For the record, we were partial to Intellivision. Atari was awful by comparison.)


PEW: and the four of us will spend quiet family time together right?
LM: Right. Again, I have my doubts that we can pull of my above described plan. Just wanted to toss it out there. Just keep in mind... With my family spread out all over the Eastern Seaboard... I'm not totally thrilled with chopping our get together out, but agree with settling things down to enjoy the kids build-up to Christmas.
PEW: I wasn't chopping your get together out. we were post poning it till the weekend. we are going to go to dinner with your Dad the day before
LM: I understand that, but my father is up the first-half of the week, not the last half.
PEW: