PEW Fails to Show Up for Her Custodial Time

(File under: Once an agreement is in place, she will unagree.)


Commentary by DW:

A little look into how we handle minor things by using humor and then getting fed up with it all. Our instant message exchange looked like this:

LM: PEW is causing problems.
LM: Texted her to avoid another problem...
DW: shock!
LM: "Meet at [supermarket] at 5?"
LM: She replies... "You're dropping them off here this week, remember?"
LM: lol, I responded..."I remember you giving an order that I didn't agree to. See you at [supermarket] at 5."
DW: I hate her
LM: Her reply just came. I won't respond to it. "LM, [the supermarket] is a mile for ur house, not halfway." Dumbass. We agreed to a mutual meeting place between homes. Not exactly half way.
DW: she will never stop
LM: What does she want to do, drop them off at the intersection of B...... and Y... Roads in the left-hand turn lane? lol
DW: yes, but then it will be too unsafe, those big scary roads
LM: LMFAO!!!
DW: so you'll have to go to her house
LM: Good one!
LM: OMG, LM! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW OVERCAST IT IS OUTSIDE!
DW: lol
LM: I CAN'T DRIVE IN THIS!
DW: I'm sick, I've been sick for 20 years, HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO MMEEEEEEE
LM: Text one...K-Mart is halfway
LM: Text two...K-Mart at 5.
LM: Text three...Are you telling me that you're not bringing the boys home?


It just never ends. You go to court and make sure that literally every single little thing is set from where the meeting place is, to what time. Yet, she still thinks she is in control. Here'sthe kicker. She IS. It's because we have to drive nearly 4-hours to get home. So, if she doesn't show up, what are our choices? We kidnap the kids and take them to our home state, because otherwise we miss our other appointments, like picking up MY kids and working the next day. Or we cowtow to her demands and take the kids where she wants. How do you make these choices? When does it end?


Background by LM, the not-so humorous part:

The above instant-message exchange making light of the initial situation was helpful at turning another frustrating situation into something lighthearted, but unfortunately, that is where the "humor" part of this ended.

On Sunday, April 13th, 2008 (as with all Sundays) we were supposed to meet at the agreed-upon supermarket for our custody exchange. This typically happens between 4PM and 5PM and has been done, with few agreed-upon exceptions, since October of 2007.

This Sunday would suddenly be different, if she were to have her way.

A couple of weeks ago, she had asked me to confirm my address. The experience of 4/13 would yield why. She googled it and looked up the distance between our cottage and her house. Total distance = 9-miles. Then she realized that the exchange point isn't exactly half-way and she started making a major issue out of it, which I mostly ignored. The only part I didn't was to respond to her edict that "we will now be doing drop-offs at each other's homes each week." My simple reply was, "no, we won't." The rest of her mindless ranting I simply ignored.

The exchange point is 2-miles from my home making it 7-miles from her home. The total distance in question = 2.5 miles. Total drive-time in question = approximately 3- to 4-minutes. We came upon this exchange point spur of the moment, during the court proceedings of November of 2007. When the Judge Contempt asked us where the meeting place would be, we started tossing out some places we knew between us. When I tossed out this particularly supermarket, she said, "Oh, that's great! That'll work. That's right near where I work." And so it was... until she decides it no longer is.

As I am leaving to go to the exchange point, she texts me that I am bringing the kids to her home, which DW detailed above. I reply that I'm not and will see her at the exchange point at 5PM. She then texts me a new location, a K-Mart that is closer to her home. I continue to ignore it. By this time, I'm already at the exchange point.

During the period of time that I am describing, she will send me no fewer than 15 text messages, nearly one after the other.

She phones. I ignore what she is saying and simply reply, "We're here waiting for you. I'll wait as long as you need because I understand you're delayed. We're going into the pizza-joint to eat and we'll remain there until 6PM." The boys and I go in, order, and eat a nice plain pie. The texts start and keep coming over the course of the next 40-minutes. I ignore them all.

I'm in a bind, though. The kids are wondering where mom is. They are full of questions. As they ask and I deflect, I'm already processing how to answer these questions as carefully as possible. They are starting to get upset because they're starting to surmise that something is wrong. They were so excited to tell mom of their camping weekend and she is not here to pick them up.

Of course, they ask why I "can't just" take them all the way home to mom's? This is precisely where I waffle about whether or not I'm doing the right thing by standing my ground and following the court order to the letter. My heart wants me to take the children to their mom's. They're excited to talk to her about the weekend and their week (not that she cares). They are upset. I can solve their upset by just taking them to mom's or meeting at the K-Mart. However, my head recognizes that she is again using the children to manipulate the situation. My head knows that if I give-in, it will be the first of many more such manipulations. Despite the increasing upset of the children, I stand my ground (and still am unsure if I made the right choice).

I explain to them, deflecting blame to the court, Boys, you know about the court rules, right? Well, one of the rules is that we have to meet here. We've been doing it for more than 6-months and now mom wants to change things. Unfortunately, now isn't the right time to decide to change things. I still have to follow the rules and so does mom. So, we'll wait for mom to come pick you up or you can come back home with me and she'll pick you up after school tomorrow. Okay?"

It's not okay. They both start to get really upset and start crying in the restaurant and I do my best to calm them. With that, I remove myself from the table and walk into the back by the bathrooms and place a last-ditch phone call. The following is pretty much how it went down:

LM: Listen, the kids are really upset with you right now. What you're doing is disgusting. The kids were really excited to see you and tell you about their week and you're not picking them up over 3-miles? Are you kidding? They're devastated. So, I'm calling to give you one last chance before we leave here and I take them home. Yes or no, are you coming to pick the children up?

PEW: (raging) NO! It's not half-way LM. Besides, they are so mouthy and uncontrollable, perhaps an extra day in hell with you would do them some good! No, I'm not coming!

LM: Okay, pick them up after school tomorrow.

*CLICK*

When I tell the boys we're going back to my place, they are seriously upset. I tell them that we'll have fun and that if mom isn't ready for them tonight, she will be tomorrow.

S1 reels off a bunch of thoughts:

- She doesn't love us.
- She doesn't care about what we do.
- She doesn't like to hear about our fun times with you.
- I wish I could understand what is going through her head.
- She doesn't make sense.
- She probably has company and that's always more important than us.

I just let him go and say nothing except, "I understand how you feel, let's make the most of it and have some fun tonight." ...and I still question whether or not I made the right decision.

We go home and an hour later my phone rings. It's her. I go outside and answer it. She suddenly wants to meet at the supermarket if I want to. I cut her off every single time she tries to talk about something from the past... which was most of what she attempted to do. I tell her she'll lose if she takes this to court (as she threatens, yet again) and dares to try to tell Judge Contempt that the 3-mile difference is "unfair and burdensome" to her after all of the past histrionics about driving, meeting, and the fact that she repeatedly lost all of those arguments.

I tell her that the decision is up to the kids now. I ask them. They want to go. We meet at the supermarket. She and I say nothing to one another. I kiss and hug the boys and wish them a great week.

...and I still don't know if I made the right decision. I didn't suffer through all of this. She never suffers (except in her own mind). The only people who suffered through this latest debacle are the kids. I did have the power to ensure that they didn't suffer. However, the consequences of caving-in on the issue, whether you believe it or not and given the history, would have been significant.

IF SHE WOULD JUST FOLLOW THE ORDER... we would have no problems. Still, I'm left feeling like no choice was a good one, yet again.

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Mom Thinks Her 4-Year Old is Mentally Ill

PEW simply doesn't have the ability to look within herself to find solutions to problems. Everything is always someone else's fault. She lives in a permanent state of victimhood. Her parenting style and her discipline methods (or lack thereof) could not possibly be wrong. It's the child. The 4-year old (S1, at the time) must be mentally ill because she is perfect. It's the only explanation.

How sick.

From October 2002, comes another gem of her desire to flee. It's another clear documented example of her being "sick and tired" of the children... of her not being able to handle the children.

Even in the face of countless documented, provable instances such as this, early on in the whole ugly divorce and custodial process - custody was still given to her primarily. These will forever be a part of my memories of their childhood with her. It still goes on as I'll demonstrate when I get around to posting about this past Sunday's exchange debacle.


PEW: i'm taking S1 to the Doctors at 3pm......
LM: ok. Sick?
PEW: i want to talk to them about his throwing up when he runs around......


S1 would have a tendency to throw-up when he was overstimulated. He would run himself ragged and then get all flushed and start gagging. Yes, it was weird and of concern.


LM: Okay.
PEW: and I want to ask them if they think he needs a therapist
LM: Be sure to give them all the facts.
PEW: like what?
LM: Because I don't think he needs a freaking therapist.
PEW: that's because you are in denial.......
LM: Okay.
PEW: he needs help learning how to express his emotions. in an acceptable way. he can't spend the rest of his life freaking out several hundred times a day
LM: Okay.
PEW: don't say okay LM.....if you want to talk about it....talk
LM: Nope. Talk to them.
PEW: well....with mental illness on your side and my side the way it is....i'm not willing to ignore what he does any more
LM: Okay.


Another one of her coping mechanisms, or should I call it "denial mechanisms," was that I had as many issues as her or my family had as many issues as her. Mental illness most certainly does not run in my family. I had one Aunt who suffered with a bout of serious depression for a long period of time, but beyond that, I am aware of no other member of my family that had been diagnosed with any mental illnesses. However, she has two diagnosed bipolar siblings, a likely bipolar father, mental illness in other extended family members, alcoholism rampant throughout the family, etc. However, I think if she convinced herself that this was the case in my family, somehow that made it all okay. It wasn't reality.

In any event, the implication is clear, with mental illness on "both" sides of the family - then S1, at 4-frigging-years-old, must have something, too.


PEW: did you used to kick your baby brother and pull his hair and kick your mother and scream and cry when you drop something.....
LM: Rarely, because I got in trouble when I did.
PEW: so does he. he doesn't care. getting in trouble for acting the way he does hasn't effected him in the past two years..... I don't get why getting him help is upsetting to you
LM: It doesn't "upset" me. What upsets me is if I say... "He doesn't do it as regularly to me as he does it to you" - you get pissed at me and start thinking things like I'm judging you or you're "doing something wrong." So, I can't talk about it. Maybe it's because he's worn out from tormenting you all day, I don't know.
PEW: well here's the thing......
LM: Maybe we're not methodical and consistent in our methods of dealing with it. But forgive me for looking to US first instead of at him. To my knowledge... he doesn't "outburst" at school.
PEW: well let's see.....how do you handle it when he freaks
LM: I need an example.
PEW: so.....you're saying for me to look at ME...not US
LM: When he freaks when S2 gets close to him, I typically try to explain to him how it is unnecessary to react that way and get him to calm down.
PEW: since you say he doesn't do it to you....which I think is an out and out LIE


Another example of her denial mechanism. Despite not being there to see how me and the children interacted and how I handled situations, she simply would NOT believe that what I was telling her was the truth. She just wouldn't. We all know what that would mean if she did. From previous posts, she would acknowledge that they didn't act that way when we were home together. So... if they didn't act that way when we were all home together... and they didn't (as I claim) didn't act that way when she wasn't around... and the ONLY time that they would act that way was when they were alone with her (or her family in my absence) - what say ye as to the root-cause?

Worthy of note, S1 attended pre-K3 and pre-K4 and was lauded as far-and-away the best child in the class, at the time, not having been influenced by the "Power Rangers" or other such shows. One teacher said at the time that while most of the other children were chopping and kicking at one another emulating the power rangers from the moment that they dropped their bags, S1 would always be looking to the crafting table or something else that didn't involve Power Ranger stunts and actions.


LM: Sometimes it takes several attempts, but usually I can convince him that there are alternatives. If he is "rough-housing" too hard with S2... he gets 2 warnings, and then he goes to his room for more than 5 stinking minutes. Then he comes down and is fine.
PEW: well....if all I had to do all the time was lay around on the couch....I guess I'd be a better referee
LM: See? You're attacking. That's why I say "okay." Okay. Okay.
PEW: no....you're attacking.... you fucking sit there and say it's me....
LM: No I don't. I say that you need to be more consistent. That's not attacking. He freaks more with your family because they don't control him. He just does.
PEW: that's a LIE
LM: Of course, he doesn't see my family as much, so it's harder to judge.
PEW: yeah exactly
LM: He is calm and normal in the company of your brother M…… generally speaking.


I mention her one brother, specifically, because he is what I've previously described as "the normal" one. He has a generally laid back demeanor, takes an active interest in the kids, and doesn't act like he failed to progress past the age of 5, unlike most of the rest of her family. It's also why the children are generally calm in his company, too.


PEW: why don't you get off your ass and take the kids to visit your family every once in a while....maybe I could get something done around here
LM: But at your parent's house, he goes nuts.
PEW: this is ridiculous
LM: You're attacking. Stop it.
PEW: No LM, you think you are such a wonderful parent and you have all this wonderful advice for me
LM: You are blowing what I am saying out of proportion. Grossly. This is why we can't talk about it. Because of YOU. I am not perfect. I do not always get it right.
PEW: well, we obviously have a serious problem here
LM: But he simply DOES NOT GET OUT OF CONTROL AS OFTEN FOR ME AS HE DOES FOR YOU. That is a fact. I don't "lie" about that.
PEW: well then I will go to his therapy with him......
LM: Again, you have him for 9+ generally... and I only have him for 4-5 generally [on weekdays]. So, you do experience more.
PEW: but I can control 12 abused children at a shot......but I can't control my own 4 year old
PEW: you don't find that ODD
LM: Yes. You are required to do specific things at specific times under certain consistent guidelines. You HAVE to be MUCH more patient with your clients than you do at home. That's pretty simple explanation.


It's also the absolutely correct explanation. She can't go from 0-to-freakout at work. She wouldn't keep her job.


PEW: I don't have more patience with the kids in work
LM: You have to be more controlled with the kids at work. You are practicing your craft at work.
PEW: my kids at work DO NOT act like S1 does on a daily basis. and the ones that do.....are in therapy. this isn't normal. i'm sorry, you think I'm doing something wrong.....but our son is having emotional difficulties.... I think I ought to know. if you want to find a job where you can stay home and be the perfect father....and I'll go back to work full time....that's fine with me. frankly, I can't take this anymore. he's horrible. working full time is WAY easier than dealing with these two and doing ALL of the chores around here by myself. trust me you got the life. our insurance sucks too......I'd like to get a job where we get better insurance
LM: Are you finished attacking me? Your clients aren't 4-years old. You often "freak out" or get angry with S1 when he whines as a first reaction, not as a last reaction. That doesn't teach him not to whine. It makes him upset further.
PEW: me "freak out"......you freak out FIRST way more often than I do
LM: Again, I am not the "perfect father." But that simply is not true.
PEW: I'm not going to sit here while you critique me either
LM: But there has to be a reason why I can ask him once (mostly) twice at most to "stay down stairs while I am cooking." But they are both up your ass all day long every day.
PEW: I'll see a proffessional.....you're not a professional...... i hate to break it to you
LM: Yeah, I know.
PEW: no I don't think that you know. there's gonna be some changes around here
LM: There has to be a reason why he can sit and talk at the kitchen table with S2 in the height chair while I do dishes without "being up my ass."
PEW: yeah.....I play with him.....I'm a playmate....


BINGO!!! That's exactly right. You're not being a parent. You're not being a teacher. You're not being a guide. You're being a "playmate."


LM: There is a reason why he torments the crap out of you almost every time you are on the phone, but not very often when I am on the phone.
PEW: he knows that you have too much other stuff to do
LM: You're attacking again and you are wrong again.
PEW: maybe you could start taking him outside for awhile when you get home for a little while. why don't you ever take him anywhere.....just guys. why don't you ever visit with family or friends......without me
LM: Let's see... School, work, proximity to me, their jobs/other things. There are lots of reasons. Go see VAM? He works 24/7. When he gets home, it is usually at dusk, and in the Summer, that's around bedtime. MJM lives far and is rarely home with all of his goings-on. CAM, if he isn't golfing after work, is golfing on the weekends, or playing flag football, and stuff like that. My father lives 4 hours away. My mother lives 2 hours away. MCB lives 10 hours away. I don't have a sister a 5-minute walk away, parents who live 30 minutes away... D… and J.. are usually in bed by 8PM, and D… is usually working around his house right after work until he goes to bed.
PEW: well....I'll tell you what...... I'm tapped out.....I'm sick of this place looking like a hell hole.... I'm sick of dealing with these two.....and working.....and still not having any money. I'm sick of all of it. I feel like fucking running away from here. it's bull shit. I'm taking S1 to a therapist because it will make MY life easier to figure out why he's so bad with ME.....and not you. tough shit if you don't like it, how bout that
LM: Okay.
PEW: good bye
LM: bye
PEW: i won't be here at lunch either. I don't want to see you
LM: Whatever.


Despite all of that explanation, the fact is - I did plenty with them. We visited family regularly, when they were available and prepared to have company. Just because I could go more than 2-days without seeing my family, unlike her, doesn't mean it's abnormal or lazy. The reality is (and it continues today) - is she visited with the children so often because she doesn't know how to be with the children for extended periods of time one-on-one. At least, not as anything more than a "playmate."

This conversation wasn't over, either. Her motherly instincts were telling her that something was wrong with S1.

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PS writes: "Wow! There Really Are Other People Just Like PEW!"

Hi LM and DW;

Congratulations on a great site. I hope it will go a long way to casting a light on BPD and the family court system. Like when I discovered 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' in the middle of my divorce, it gives me this feeling of WOW can there really be other people just like PEW. Some of the dialog you have posted is almost verbatim. The average person does not have a clue when it comes to the family courts. "Best in interest of the kids" what an absolute joke. Only in the light of a PEW can you really see just how hollow this phrase is.

I am a custodial father that fought the system for 4-years to finally win primary custody of my 3 boys from my BPD PEW. Like in your case if I had done 1/100th of what she did along the way I would be serving time and never see my kids again. Like you I used a LONG track record of agonizing detail to finally get the courts to actually listen. I called mine the abuse log. It was over 40 pages of specific instances by the time the custody trial ended, she could not run away or deny it. Too much detail and, in most cases, in her mind there was nothing to deny... "Yes I showed up unannounced and tried to break down the door on Father's Day and take the kids but that was because I had to work on Mother's Day and he had the kids so I should have the kids on Father's Day." I don't think my attorney has ever been so entertained. Then while crossing me her attorney brought up all these factually incorrect things (i.e. she would be going for something and start with... "isn't it true S1 is a Tiger in the Cub Scouts" ...uhhh no that is not true) and the judge had to be wondering where she got her information. Her attorney would sometimes interrupt and object to my answers when it was making her look bad and the judge would say, "No Ms. X. You asked the question he gets to answer it." Within 30 days of the custody ruling she filed for modification. My attorney told me to go and represent myself... "you can walk into court and spit on the judge and he is not going to change the agreement." The judge ended up lecturing her in a way I am pretty sure PEW won't be filing anything as long as he is on the bench.

It has been a few years since then and things have settled down somewhat. PEW works a lot and sees the kids occasionally. She still calls and tries to upset my household and issue all sorts of parenting orders, dredges up the past, denigrates me, etc. Quite awhile ago I adopted the "no abuse" standard and now I hang up or walk away if she starts up. Everything else not relevant to the kids, I ignore.

The kids are learning their mother is nuts, I never talk bad about her. They are adjusting pretty well all things considered. I had a therapist tell me when I was going through the divorce that most kids that have at least one good parent turn out just fine and that I needed to not worry so much. I didn't beleive them at the time but I have to say so far they seem to be right.

I am now remarried to the most wonderful woman on earth, have a step daughter (like you we have a great shared parenting relationship with her father), and last spring my wife and I had twins. My DW has a lot of patience and is a big help in keeping everything with PEW in perspective. My house is a whole lot of chaos (the good kind) most of the time but being a parent is still the best job on earth...despite her best efforts PEW could never take that away from me.

Best of luck to you two and your 4 kids. Keep the practicing your ignoring skills, and keep the faith.

By the way - My DW is gong to school to become a divorce mediator and is working on a co-parenting web site.

~PS



Thanks for the positive feedback. It's much appreciated.

I wish you and your DW all the best... and if I may be so bold - ask her to educate herself (if she isn't already) on Parallel Parenting - which is what is most often needed in high-conflict situations. I think it would make her site much more attractive since many discuss one or the other and don't spend enough time on the Parallel Parenting (and the difficulty associated with undertaking such an endeavor).

Sincerely,
~LM & DW

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When You Look at Them, You Have to Stop Picturing Her

Stepmothering has never been portrayed as the easiest role to play. When you are dealing with the children of an ex-spouse who can create havoc at the drop of a hat, it's probably the worst role to play in the entire world. When LM and I first started dating, I made sure to plan everything around the time we had the boys with us. This wasn't always the easiest thing to do in the world.

I can remember one weekend where we planned on visiting an indoor waterpark at one end of State A. In order to get there we had to drive from State B, 4 hours to State A to pick up the boys, then drive 8 hours the other direction to get to the park in order to spend the weekend with my family. On Sunday, we had to reverse course to get the boys home. Total drive time = 24 hours, to ensure the boys were included. This was on top of the normal things we did to encourage time with the boys, including an 8 hour roundtrip drive on both Friday and Sunday every other weekend for 3 years.

Throughout the years, Psycho Mom would perpetually try to get the courts to rule that the drive was "unsafe" for the children. Of course she was unwilling to meet halfway to make the trip safer. Instead, I rode along to ensure that LM was never too tired to make the trip safely. I was never thanked for this. Instead, as can be expected, I was put down to the children. They were told things like their father chose me over them, I'm nothing, I hate them, I don't love them, their father shouldn't play with my children when they are here, only them, etc, ad nauseum.

Most things are pretty easily dealt with as I understand Borderline Personality Disorder. However, fear struck my heart one day last summer when a Child Protective Services worker appeared on my doorstep. Psycho Mom had reported that I was abusing the children, not only HER children, but MINE as well. She made an allegation that I left the children alone, who were 6, 7, 8, and 8 at the time, for hours, as well as some other things which were just insane, like we don't allow them to eat ice cream. Long story short, I lost it. I took one look at LM when the counselor left our home and said "You have no idea how much I want to tell you to get out of my fucking house." To his credit, LM just said, "I wouldn't go." If he had said anything else, it would have been over. I lost the will to want to be the sane one. I lost the will to keep trying. I lost the will to go out of my way to ensure the boys happiness, to try to build a bond with them, even to talk to them.

The past year has been a trying one. Trying to come back to liking the boys. As much as I hate it, I can't express my hatred, anger, feelings of betrayal to Psycho Mom. It comes out in my apathy towards her children. When S1 lies about things, I see her. When S1 hits another kid at school, I see her. When S2 pees on the toilet seat, I see her. When I am planning vacations and special events, I see the problems and roadblocks that Psycho Mom will throw up, and I plan them for times the boys won't be around.

I don't think I can explain these feelings well, even to stepmothers that are in the same situation. Part of the problem I have is that so many of the behavioral and social issues the boys have, are the same ones their mother has, the ones we hate. I'm constantly questioning myself about whether this is their personality or just learned behavior from watching her. And then we come to when it's time for them to take responsibility for their actions. I think this is the crucial issue that has been looming large over our heads. At some point they will have to make the decision to either be like their mother, or to go their own way. How will I deal with things if they choose the wrong path?

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