Woodland Creatures

As you are soon to be aware, the mighty LM is off wrangling bears with the boys on a scout camping trip. I was invited to go, but when I found out that, not only would they be sleeping in "lean-tos", there are facilities, with like actual plumbing, I turned my nose up and declared them incompetent in the natural elements. Then I laughed as I saw the pile of camping gear LM had packed. Keep in mind this photo includes no necessities like, food, cooking gear, or toilet paper (because that's provided by the "camp"!) (Okay, one last dig, it's not camping when you have pizza for dinner in the "lean-to".)

I don't think I helped matters when on a recent walk S2, a full and proud 6 years old, said, "there aren't any bears or wolves in the forest right, because why would we camp there if there were?" To which I replied, "no, they are all staying at the hotel while you take over the forest." I don't think he got the joke, as he repeatedly discussed the reasons the forest was safe. I stopped myself from pointing out the other boyscouts that have gone missing in the past, because that's the kind of stepmother I am.

But seriously, now that LM is out of the picture, errr, I mean out of town, it's time to get down to business. For the past couple of years I had been begging him to create this blog, but for personal reasons, ie the expensive ass custody procedures, we put it off. Now that it's finally done, not the draining of money by any means, but the blog is here, we do actually have some plans as to what we would like to accomplish! I know, can you imagine? We don't actually just write here to amuse ourselves! Okay, maybe a little. So, I am asking for your input. I know what I want to do, but does anyone really care about my thoughts? Um, no, trust me, you don't. (It's mostly about wine, fabric, gardening and a little feng shui) (Did I spell that right?)

So, what do you need help with? Are there experts you would like to hear from? Parental alienation conferences? Software that will help you build a custody case, track problems, etc? Ideas on how to help your children through this mess? A getaway weekend for non-nons? A support group to rant and rave about issues? A class on how to channel anger while reading viscious e-mails? Let us know!

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After Party Bitch-Session - Part of PEW's Planning Process

This session was the aftermath of a party we had to celebrate S1's birthday. If she deviated from her usual blow-up in advance of a party, holiday, or celebration - her fallback modus operandi was the post-party blow-up.

I enjoy hosting parties. I enjoy attending parties. I am usually a very helpful host and guest, be it food preparation, cleaning up afterwards, sometimes even doing some clean-up during the party to keep things from piling up and ensuring having plenty of silverware and plates for meals and desserts. My family, friends, and neighbors will all attest to this.

The PEW will not. Her delusions would consistently recall that I did nothing to help either before or after the party and that I did one or more things to alienate people at the party.

This particular situation is just so completely false and is one of those situations, as you'll be able to tell from my reaction, that really left my head spinning and wondering if I was going insane.


PEW: so are you going to be able to come home a little early
LM: Boss and VPS are at a funeral...
PEW: who died
LM: VPF told me that they want to START the meeting at NOON. Somebody from the "golf club"
PEW: ok i'll call my sister
LM: hang on... calling VPF... No answer.
PEW: don't worry about it. anyway....i wanted to ask you.... what was wrong with you yesterday when early on in the party
LM: ??? Nothing.
PEW: when you snapped at PP, then yelled at Aunt R.....
LM: Snapped at PP?
PEW: after S1 did something to S2
LM: Yelled at Aunt R....?
PEW: yeah I heard you..... about the gate. she came in and asked me what was wrong with you
LM: All I said to PP was "enough" because she went into the Aunt PP "talk nice nice" to S1 mode when he was being a nasty little snit. He had enough "nice talking-tos" He was being a spoiled little brat.
PEW: ok, forget that.......anyway. i'm not having parties anymore
LM: I didn't yell at Aunt R.... about anything yesterday.
PEW: ok
LM: I don't know what she's talking about. Really.


Aunt R.... is one of the nicest people on the planet. Funny, kid friendly, she is always good to put lots of smiles on all faces. Checking my own sanity, I asked her sometime shortly after this exchange if she interpreted anything I did as any way negative or yelling at her or anything. Thankfully, she said she had no idea what PEW was talking about. She recalled me yelling to her to keep the gate closed to keep the dog from escaping. Other than that, she had a wonderful time at the party.


PEW: i heard you yell "HOLD THE GATE" or something
LM: When she first got there?
PEW: yeah
LM: I was yelling TO her to "hold the gate" because [the dog] was making a dash for it. Then I went over and got [the dog] and gave her a hand. I didn't yell at her. I didn't want [the dog], with his wet paws and spastic temperment, to start jumping all over her.
PEW: well whatever transpired she got the impression something was wrong........were you curt with her or something?
LM: I was helping. NO!
PEW: ok
LM: I can't say NO enough. I walked up, smiled and said, "I was hoping to get you in before [the dog] got out, but I wasn't so lucky." And I kept [the dog] at bay until we got her in. Why do you do this every time we host something? It's like you search for something to get annoyed at me about.
PEW: don't project......ok......YOU do this everytime we have something


No, not really. The party was a huge success. It was one of the few times that both sides of the family intermingled. It was a long party. Everyone had a blast until this ambush seemed to indicate otherwise.


LM: I thought everything was a smashing success yesterday.
PEW: you take 5 minutes to prepare then you act all stressed
LM: I had no complaints. I didn't act all stressed. You are the one projecting. Remember, it was me saying "relax, there is plenty of time" to you? That was me, right?
PEW: that was easy for you to say
LM: I wasn't all stressed.
PEW: you didn't do anyuthing
LM: See... this is what I'm talking about...
PEW: you barely watched the kids while I was cooking
LM: The day-after bullshit harranguing from you.
PEW: yeah this is what i'm talking about, spare me
LM: Two times I took the kids downstairs...
PEW: you had it coming
LM: And on both occassions... Your sister came down stairs and took them back up.


I had it coming? Don't I always?

Off I go explaining myself again. This is what would happen. I bring the children downstairs to keep them occupied while PEW does some late preparatory work. Her sister, rather than help her, would come downstairs and take both boys back upstairs again. I quit trying after two times.


PEW: you watched football the whole time practically....even though it wasn't a football party
LM: BOTH times I told S1 that he couldn't go up because "mommy was working on stuff." Yes... the "football" angle. You are so predictable. SO predictable.
PEW: SO ARE YOU. SO ARE YOU
LM: You have no clue what was going on downstairs. None.
PEW: you do the same shit everytime we host something
LM: No idea who I was talking to. What we were talking about. Nothing. You just make assumptions to start fights. Guess what? I DON'T CARE. Bitch all you want. You're wrong, and you can't prove otherwise. So, save it for somebody else.
PEW: i'm not fighting with you, i'm simply telling you i'm not hosting any more parties
LM: Because of assumptions that I 'yelled' at somebody... and because I did "nothing."
PEW: you're still socially backward, just like you were when we first met
LM: Both figments of your imagination. Take your PMS out on someone else.
PEW: I don't give a shit either. makes no frickin difference to me
LM: Do you know how long I chatted with my father and what about? How about your brothers? How about how many times I "fetched" things like drinks and food for the people who were downstairs? You don't know jack-shit about what I was doing downstairs yesterday. You have this pathological problem where you assume that I did "nothing" and "talked to nobody" etc. EVERY TIME. EVERY single time. I actual think you prepare the bitch-session ahead of time as part of the party planning process... that's how predictable you are. You ruin everything. I thought everything went perfectly yesterday. Now, you come on here this morning to rip me a new one for NO REASON. NONE. Way to go!


PEW's family and my family did things somewhat differently when it came to family parties. Her family, men and women alike, would gather round tables or outside or wherever and primarily shoot the breeze with little or no television watching. My family would tend to do the same things, however, sports was a big part of our lives. PEW didn't understand the concept of socializing with a major sporting event on the television. She didn't understand that people could actually hold conversations about a myriad of topics all while the television was on.

Neither approach is wrong at all. Ironically enough, much of her family was downstairs with me and some of my family shooting the breeze and watching whatever game was on television. We're from an area where sports is huge and we all participated in and/or watched sports all of our lives. It's part of most parties' atmosphere.

Interestingly enough, this very issue came up in one of our counseling sessions (I forget if it was an effort before this event or after). When the counselor expressed that neither approach was wrong and that she shouldn't be imposing her will on anyone else in the aggressive manner she was - she quit. The mere suggestion flew in the face of her rationale and, of course, given that she knows better than anyone else on earth - the counselor was wrong and she would not hear any more from her.

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When Does the Pain Stop?

A very thoughtful post on one of the forums I frequent by "duet_4-8" that I felt was worth posting.

No matter the root-cause of your particular relationship difficulties, if it's difficult and painful - reading something like this can breathe new life into your motivation to make the tough changes necessary to save yourself from heartache and misery.

One or more may apply to you...


Wondering when the pain will ever stop?

The Pain Stops when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops.....when you are ready....

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PEW Can't Stand to be Around the Children Anymore

We all experience our frustrations with children from time-to-time. With PEW, it was often and, in my opinion, more than most. More times than I can count, both during the marriage and since it's end, I have listened to her complain about not being able to "handle" things. Sadly, this goes back to even when the children were little.

In all the times I've listened to friends or family express frustration about their children, the following phrases I never heard:

"I can't handle the kids."

"I can't stand to be around the kids anymore at all."

"These kids are up my fucking ass 24/7 and I can't stand them anymore."

Those are just a few. At one point in the last 4-years, she was so tired of S1 not showing her an appropriate level of worship that she actually proposed (and told him) that she would send him to live with me permanently and she would keep S2. That's a horrible situation in which to put a (then) 7-year old.

This July 2002 sample shows what happens when I would try to give her some helpful hints to "deal" with the boys. Never, and I mean never, did I ever suggest anything on any topic to help her with anything that wasn't met with a defensive rant. Consideration for the ideas of others was not something PEW could ever grasp. Constructive suggestions from me were always received as an all-out attack by me on her. "Always" is not an overstatement.

Something is always "wrong" with our son(s). They need psychological evaluations. They have problems. Unfortunately, even the children were not shielded from the blame. Nothing was ever her fault. Everything is always someone else's fault - even young children.


PEW: OMG. S2 is such a buster. [Niece] and S1 went for a nap with no problem. But he wouldn't go
LM: lol
PEW: can I just say
LM: Yes. *ducking*
PEW: what is wrong with our son
LM: lol. Which one?
PEW: LM he is in absolute frigging annoy me mode for about the past 3 weeks. S1
LM: I dunno. He either follows my rules or he goes to bed.
PEW: hurting S2, shitting his pants, whining, crying......
LM: He still whines and cries though.
PEW: i'm sorry but I can't stand it anymore
LM: But I have him down to ONE stare on touching S2.
PEW: i can't stand being around him at all


I can't stand it anytime she says it. It just sounds so horrible. Her story has always been that they were unholy terrors anytime I wasn't home. Then when I was home, they were fine. When they were with me alone, they were fine (outside of what you would expect from a 4-year old and 2-year old). With her, all hell would break loose. Worse than that, she would just refuse to accept that they were fine when with me alone. She would always think I was lying and, when she wasn't doing that, she was making up stories about the things I would do (mostly not do) in her absence. She was clairvoyant, apparently.


LM: Well, that's not good.
PEW: all he does is harrass me all fucking day
LM: Send him outside.
PEW: it's really a shame
LM: I send him downstairs. He's not to come up until I'm finished cleaning the kitchen. When I cook... they stay downstairs together until I call them for dinner.
PEW: well I don't know what the answer is, but whatever we're doing, it isn't working
LM: He asks, but he is not allowed to come up until I call him. They watch me on the grill as I walk up and down the stairs...
PEW: i'm so tired of being stressed around him
LM: I get everything out, cut, and ketchuped before he can come upstairs.
PEW: i know I know, you're great
LM: All he does is sit down and eat. No. That's not what I'm saying.
PEW: well what are you saying
LM: What I'm saying is he only does to you what you allow him to do. In many cases.
PEW: you have NO idea what goes on when you're not around. none
LM: Problem is... I believe every word of what you're saying.
PEW: what? problem is?
LM: I have an idea because you tell me. I don't beat him, hit him, I occasionally threaten him with his room. And [he] follows direction, for the most part, even if I have to tell him no 3 or 4 times. "Can I come up yet?" No. Can I come up yet? No. I want juice for dinner. No. Okay, I'll have water then. Can you read a book? Yes. Sit down and don't worry about S2 touching the book. I won't let him ruin the story, I promise.
PEW: shut up


Clearly, I am helping here. In classic borderline personality fashion, this was another on the list of lose-lose situations. If I made suggestions, I was wrong. If I didn't make suggestions, I was wrong because I wasn't helping. To this day I wonder what it's like to go through life never being on the wrong side of any situation.


LM: Okay. Be pissed. You sit there and complain and be pissed and try nothing different. Okay?
PEW: I do something different every week. don't give me that shit
LM: That's a problem.
PEW: but don't give me advice when I'm venting, ok
LM: Do ONE thing and do it every time all the time. Okay.
PEW: I can fucking vent about the kid being a fucking pain in the ass
LM: Well, I have to be concerned when you say... I CAN'T STAND TO BE AROUND HIM AT ALL ANY TIME ANYMORE. That is what prompts advice. That is more than just a simple "vent."
PEW: yeah, no shit
LM: Now, if that is an overstatement, I apologize. But if that is real, then it is a problem that needs resolution.
PEW: maybe you could do a little bit more around the house. then I wouldn't be so busy that I couldn't handle him
LM: Bullshit. I told you before, I can do shit and keep them out of my way. You opt not to do that.
PEW: but when he's up my ASS 24/7 it's a little different than your experience with him. bull shit
LM: No bullshit.
PEW: you don't even try
LM: Are we talking about what I do or how I keep the kids from being up my ass? What is it you want to argue about today?
PEW: i just wanted to vent without you giving me parenting tips.... I do fucking fine without your advice. ok
LM: Then vent to somebody else.
PEW: you're not better than me. you're just not


Therein lies the root-cause of her reaction. My suggestions, tips, tricks meant that I was "better than her." I wasn't helping her, apparently, I was putting her down. I was questioning her mothering. Never was I trying to offer assistance.

I could cook, clean, do work on the PC, read books, bathe the children, walk the dogs, go for walks with the boys, mow the lawns, and all kinds of other daily household duties without using the children as an excuse for why I couldn't do it. She rarely could and, of course, the blame would be laid at my feet. I can tell you honestly - when we were working different shifts and had the children on our own during our respective work periods - I NEVER encountered nor experienced situations where the children were the reason I didn't get something done around the house. Her inability to provide even the slightest semblance of structure and discipline (even today) is what causes most of her issues. Nothing else.

Oh, and there is the "24/7" thing again from the dramatist. If you were to ask her, you would think she hadn't slept one minute in the years since the children were born.


LM: When you said you can't stand being around our son, it became something more than a vent. I didn't say that.
PEW: if you think you are better.....you're wrong
LM: Stop turning it into something that it isn't.
PEW: it is not more than a VENT
LM: It is to me. I'll say it again, you said, "I cannot stand being around S1 at all anymore." That's more significant that, "S1 is being a pain in my rump" - BIG difference.
PEW: it's a vent. well then it is to you. it doesn't make me a bad person. i can't stand being around you sometimes either. i think that's normal. so kiss my ass. I said " I can't stand being around him anymore" which translates to..... he's really been a fucking nudge lately. you always change one fucking word to twist it your way right. LM..... if you want me to unload on you .....I will. God knows you've been asking for it, otherwise, just shut the fuck up


Oh, PEW, I always knew you would. I didn't need to ask for it.

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You're Going to BURN IN HELL For What You've Done To Me!

If she wasn't making my life a living hell (her words, her threat), I was going to be burning in hell.

Without the "Hell Catalog" available, I can't review my notes on this one, though I remember much of what went down because it was the first time (as I recall) she called the police on me. I don't recall what the argument was specifically about though the discussion below leads me to believe it was one of her loving, spousal greetings.

Why she called the police, I'll never know because the argument took place between two floors. I was downstairs calling up to her. She was upstairs shrieking at me so loudly I thought she would throw-up her voicebox. My best guess was that this would be the start of her attempts to establish some sort of domestic violence history or something. It wouldn't be the last time she would call the police.

She alleges that the argument, which took place in the presence of the children (a rare event), will screw up the children for life and that she needs for them to get into counseling right away. Nevermind that she is the one who called the police, which sent them into a panic that daddy was going to jail.

From April 23rd, 2002.

PEW: you there?
LM: I am.
PEW: I think I should set S1 up with an appointment to see a counselor.....
LM: Why is that?
PEW: because after what he saw on Monday....I want to make sure he doesn't get all screwed up. plus.... I think it's safe to say, I won't be going to Florida with you all. but you are certainly welcome to take the kids
LM: That's your decision to make. I don't think S1 is going to get "all screwed up" from seeing his parents have an argument.
PEW: well most parents don't have to have the police come break up their arguments. he was distraught
LM: And he was calmed down.


Yes, they were distraught because their mother called the police and for no other reason. Further, the police "broke up" nothing, Drama Queen. I was sitting on the sofa in the family room with the children quietly awaiting their arrival. I had to calm them down and the police personnel were awesome about the whole situation. I was downstairs with the children. One of the officers came downstairs and I introduced myself and shook the officer's hand. I introduced him to the boys by name (yeah, I read his badge) and told them that this was one of the people who protected our community.

He also told them that they weren't here to take anybody to jail - they were just here to talk to us all. Keeping it brief, he asked what was going on. The only discussion we really had was that we were having a "normal argument" and that I didn't even know she had called the police until she yelled down to me that she did. Even then, I didn't believe her because it was silly. We were never within close proximity to one another (I explained). I was always downstairs with the kids and she was always upstairs by herself.

They would eventually ask me if I had somewhere I could go or something I could do away from the house until PEW had "sufficiently calmed down." I did have some errands to run. Why don't the police ever ask the woman to go somewhere to calm the hell down?


PEW: well, after the smoke clears from this....you and I are going to have a serious sit down discussion.....
LM: No we aren't. Because I'm not going to listen to you go off about crap you fabricate anymore. I told you that before.
PEW: excuse me?
LM: You heard me.
PEW: you don't have to listen to anything. but you agreed that if things didn't work out....and I wanted a divorce....you'd work with me. you promised
LM: I ain't working with anything. You ambushing me again is not you doing your part.
PEW: i'm not going to live like this anymore. excuse me, you ambushed me... you were the one screaming in my face.... with a 100 degree fever, back pain, vomiting....


This is just a complete fabrication. The argument was between two floors and the biggest reason my voice was even raised was because she was upstairs.


LM: Okay, PEW. #1 - I wasn't "screaming in your face." Your usual exaggeration.
PEW: well....I'll be calling a family meeting with your parents then
LM: #2 - While I did raise my voice and was upset... you started the shrieking like a maniac at the top of your lungs.
PEW: you said Dad and C.... are coming up this weekend right
LM: #3 - What was the FIRST THING that you said to me when you came in the house?
PEW: i'll call your mother
LM: Call whomever you want.
PEW: and i'll talk to your father....we'll meet with them Saturday if they have time


I never did come to understand why she thought that talking to my family was some "big threat." She had way more to lose in doing so than I did. She probably would have done me a huge favor! However, that is also probably why she never followed through with it.


LM: What was the first thing that you said to me when you came in the house?
PEW: nothing....
LM: You want me to remind you want you said to me?
PEW: I was talking to S1. that wasn't the first thing I said. you are going to burn in hell for the things you've done to me over the past eight years
LM: What was the first thing that you said to ME? I greeted you with a smile, and joked about them guys pooping.
PEW: Can you pick up my prescriptions. yeah
LM: I went into the room to finish talking to C.... And you said... THANKS FOR REMINDING ME WHAT A SUCKY FATHER YOU ARE." Right?
PEW: can you pick up my prescriptions
LM: Isn't that the first thing that you said? Or did I imagine that?
PEW: not sucky father asshole....sucky husband. sucky husband. ASS. you can't even fucking hear


OOOPS! My mistake. Sucky husband, not sucky father. Deaf, asshole, sucky husband.


LM: At least you remembered.
PEW: you just make shit up when you can't remember.....LIAR
LM: And then you accused me of doing nothing. Right?
PEW: you are a sucky husband
LM: I've done NOTHING for you. I "couldn't even do the minimum around the house." Right? This, out of nowhere. THAT is an ambush.
PEW: you never buy me decent gifts....you don't take care of me when I'm sick.... you're just mediocre
LM: Back into the same cycle PEW. Save it.
PEW: you suck. you save it
LM: Try to find some semblance of reality. And then talk to me when you find it.
PEW: no. you can only trap me for so long. eventually I'll get away from you. ASSHOLE
LM: And... you are harassing me in work again. Just like I asked you not to do so many times before. But again, you have no self-control.
PEW: i have more self control than you do. I've never screamed in a sick person person's face.... I don't even get an apology....
LM: I didn't scream in your face.
PEW: you need help psychopath
LM: And there you go with your name calling again


Yes, that's me, the psychopath.

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BW is Offended By Our Title

BW writes:

I just read the web page of the ThePsychoExWife.com. Being a woman, [a] woman who is the targeted parent I found this truly offensive. If the man who has this web page, "understands that both parties are guilty," as he stated then why even call his site, ThePsychoExWife.com? Even the name points a finger at a specific gender and it's not a very nice thing to do.

As I continued to read on the web page it became clear to me that this man has an, "Us Against Them, or a, Them Against Us, mentally". I believe the way to stop PAS is to educate the public and that will never happen as long as people make it a gender specific problem, i.e., Mothers Against Fathers or Fathers Against Mothers.

I know that because of the way our court system rules that more men have suffered from PAS but please do not discount the many women who have suffered from PAS. Most that I've spoken to are not the "psycho ex wife" but just parents who believed that their children had the right to love both parents and mistakenly trusted that the other parent would have their children's best emotional welfare in mind. As you know, it wasn't love for the child that drove the alienating parent but control over the child.

Thanks to all of you for allowing me to have my say. I really appreciate it.

~BW



No problem, BW. The point people miss is that the website speaks to my specific experience with my specific ex-wife.

Our efforts in educating people about a myriad of topics are there to help both genders... be [it] in low-contact, PAS, parenting, step-parenting, etc.

In certain specific areas, particularly where laws and legislation are concerned, the situation has become so grim that at times - it is an "us against them" situation. Particularly in the arena of domestic violence and associated rules, laws, arrest policies, restraining order abuse, etc. So, while a large portion of what we discuss is in the interests of fathers, families, and children, we clearly state (and have done so repeatedly) that we understand that there are psycho ex-husbands out there as well.

The website is about my ex-wife and the name [of the site] reflects that. It's our reality whether it offends you are not. It points the finger at my ex-wife and no one else.

As for the PAS issue, we have stories from both sides of the coin that will be posted, rest assured.

Sincerely,
LM

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