Look Out! A Femi-nagger Is Angry With Us!

Our efforts at bringing attention to Parental Alienation Day (April 25th, 2008) has brought me one (so far) bizarre email exchange. More of the same from some circles of feminism - males are the root cause of every problem in the history of ever for females. Nothing is ever their fault, they'll find a way to blame a male or the "patriarchy." It's a can't-lose for those who don't want equal responsibility to go along with their (alleged) equal rights.


Eden writes:

Please be aware that fathers alienate as well. If you've ever read the Battered Women's study published by Wellesley college, as well as many other incidences. Do not focus just on mothers, because they are not the only one's not acting in the best interest of the children. I guarantee, I can provide a story that shows a man crazier than any of the cases you have. If you are not willing to look at the whole picture, you are not against parental alienation....you are just another "father's rights group".

Eden


To which I reply:

Eden,

If you've read many of my posts, you would know that I understand that both genders are guilty. I accept input from all folks regardless of gender. You have to see past my own personal story to get at it, but it's there.

And while I am certainly "just another" father's & families rights proponent, I take exception to such a clearly disdainful characterization. There is nothing wrong with "father's rights groups" (generally) and I would certainly back up my position that "women's rights" groups have far more to be ashamed of than MRAs.

Feel free to not only tell me your story... but direct anyone else who has an alienation story they wish to share in my direction... you'll see that I will GLADLY post them on April 25th regardless of gender.

Feel free to re-read my announcement regarding PAS and cite where I have spoken only of mothers.

Parental Alienation Day - April 25th, 2008

A quote from our "About Us" page:

"We realize that these issues are not gender-specific and hope you'll understand that our posts will very often be rooted in our own experiences. With that in mind, we hope you will stick around to the end - a lot of the information we offer is helpful to both genders!"

Might I also add that Wellesley College (Center for Women) is hardly the picture of objectivity?

Good day,
Mister-M


Eden sent me another email:

Mister-M,

The Batterer's Report from Wellesley Women's center is a study on women who were abused my men and then in our probate courts. It doesn't hide from being a women's report. So pointing that out is moot. In general, many of the men (in father's fights groups) are complaining because they have to give their ex-wives child support and they complain they do not see their children as much. Many of these men are mostly angry about the money and yelling "father's rights" not taking into consideration that the stay-at-home mom who hasn't worked in years has to go out and find a job with no current work experience. We work with men who've moved into their parents home and helped their ex's out with the house so their children would not have to move, even if the wife is "being difficult". We also have women who's children were ripped from them because the men did not want to pay child support and figured if he had the children it would be less of a financial burden. We are trying to create justice and harmony and not point fingers. Even the name of your organization is derogatory and promotes anger. What good are you really doing??

Eden


Eden - thanks for supporting my point.

The Batterer's Report from Wellesley Women's center is a study on women who were abused my men and then in our probate courts.

As I said, hardly the picture of objectivity. I appreciate your agreement. I'm sure your stance is that men are never abused by women or the courts, and any fathers/mens rights group that points such instances out is simply trying to get money.

It doesn't hide from being a women's report. So pointing that out is moot.

Actually, it's not moot. It's the point. It's not objective. It's common knowledge that the Wellesley Women's Center is an anti-male organization who pushes the anti-male, anti-father feminist agenda.

In general, many of the men (in father's fights groups) are complaining because they have to give their ex-wives child support and they complain they do not see their children as much. Many of these men are mostly angry about the money and yelling "father's rights" not taking into consideration that the stay-at-home mom who hasn't worked in years has to go out and find a job with no current work experience.

The NERVE of fathers! Complaining about not seeing their children as much! Bastards!

No, not really, but when you only have a feminist organization's "study" on which to base your version of reality, it's not hard to figure out why you believe this to be the case.

Fathers are generally angry about the clear-cut anti-father bias in family courts. They are generally angry about being pushed out of their children's lives by these biases and being relegated to a work-slave to the child/mother-support that is often unreasonably high and not in line with the real basic costs for raising a child. They're angry that they can not provide love and care under their own roof (assuming they can afford one with the child support assessments that are granted), but financial assistance as well. Research shows that Fathers AND Mothers provide almost the same financial support for their children for college even when NOT ordered to by the courts. I wonder why that is?

Eden needs to realize that stay-at-home-mom's aren't the only women who are abusing the court system for financial gain. Gainfully employed women are, too. I also wonder how she feels about the rising numbers of stay-at-home-fathers who will be petitioning the courts for full custody and expecting to receive child support when they are faced with divorce. My guess is she'll be telling them to get a job.

We work with men who've moved into their parents home and helped their ex's out with the house so their children would not have to move, even if the wife is "being difficult".

Too bad for those fathers because they would do their child more good by being in the children's lives, not just setting up a bitter, angry, vindictive ex-wife to keep everything he's worked all of his life for in order to have and raise a family.

How many women have you worked with to help move into her parents' homes so that a willing, fit father could raise the children solely or primarily in the marital home and pay child support? My guess is ZERO. Why am I not surprised? Here's a question for you, Eden... if the money is at or near the top of the list of important things "in the best interests of the children" - why don't you push to ensure that the primary custodian of the children is the person who makes the higher income? That makes sense, doesn't it, assuming the father is a fit and willing parent?

We also have women who's children were ripped from them because the men did not want to pay child support and figured if he had the children it would be less of a financial burden.

Eden - if a fit, willing father has the child with him on a shared or primary basis, he incurs expenses associated with raising the children, right? Isn't that what "child support" is? Money to take care of the children? So if a father is paying child support, and then gets custody of the children, that child support he was paying to the mother for the "care" of the children, will now go into his household expenses that are associated with the children, right? Or are you telling us that child support is really mother support and it doesn't actually cost that much to raise a child and the father is being "financially raped?"

Your quote above is accurate - most reasonable human beings realize that the overwhelming majority of child-support orders aren't realistic. Since you've acknowledged that reality in the quote above, why don't you help push for legislation that doesn't assess child support based upon the consumer price-index, but on reasonably estimated costs for bringing up a child or children? For instance, why does a Foster parent in Indiana only get $5,000-7,000 a year to raise the foster child, yet the courts say a family with an income of $50,000 a year needs to spend $24,000 to raise a child, most of which will have to come from the Father?

Or better yet, call the willing father's bluff. Ask your women to tell them that they'll drastically reduce or eliminate child support and see if the father's back off from their desire to have custody. I guarantee you that you'll be shocked by reality.

We are trying to create justice and harmony and not point fingers.

Eden, you're a liar. Even in what little you've written to me, you make no mention of fathers except in derogatory, negative terms and speak nothing of any interest nor care for loving, willing fathers who suffer at the hands of spiteful, vindictive mothers. According to you a father can only want his children for one reason, financial incentive, not because he could actually LOVE his children! Why doesn't your organization work hard for abused parents regardless of gender?

Even the name of your organization is derogatory and promotes anger.

The name of my organization more than accurately reflects my own experiences. It's not derogatory. It doesn't promote anger. It's factually based and if that makes you or anyone else angry, you should consider taking an anger management class. It should also be pointed out that we own the domain ThePsychoExHusband.com as well and plan on launching it in the future.

Further, I would also argue that the name of your organization [unnamed here] is fraudulent when it appears that you are only concerned about furthering a feminism-fueled, woman-only, anti-father & family agenda.

What good are you really doing??

We're doing a lot more than you truly care to know and a lot less than we really wish we could.


(Both DW and LM contributed to the commentary after the last email highlighted in the text.)

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

How Do You Keep PEW From Destroying Your Relationship?

That's a very good question.

G writes:

My question for you is how do you keep your ex from destroying your current relationship? It has to be hard. We've been in turmoil so long I worry that we don't know how to deal without it. Or someday she's going to say I've had enough.

Thanks for your site. It's very therapuetic.

- G

---------------

G...

A couple of things (among many) keep PEW from destroying our relationship:

- We make sure that PEW isn't the "most common" thread in our relationship. That is, we make sure that we have so many other things that make our relationship great besides our solidarity in protecting ourselves and the children from PEW.

- When DW doesn't want to hear about an email or a phone call, I respect that. Sometimes, "enough is enough" and she just needs a break from the turmoil.

- I handle my own "crap." There are times I ask for help and she does. There are times she volunteers her help and I accept it. However, it's my problem and I need to always be the one to step up and take the lead in handling it.

- Never take her, her patience, her help, her love... for granted. The same goes in the other direction. Fortunately for her and us - her ex-husband isn't a "PEH."

- Never just "expect" that she will do things for your children like any old spouse. 4-years into our relationship, I still (and will always) ask if she can do something with respect to my children (and she does the same regarding hers). A pick-up from school. "Babysitting" if something comes up. A doctor visit. A phone call. Appointment setting. Those are our primary jobs with respect to our own children and we are thankful for any help we provide each other.

There may be others... but those are the biggies. TALK. TALK to each other. HEAR each other. Respect her wishes with regard to dealing with you dealing with your ex... or not dealing with your ex.

With regard to your situation, accept that her participation in this is voluntary and never forget, she can quit and she would be perfectly within her right to do so. Dealing with a psycho ex-wife like these is a monumental undertaking. Of course, you can quit, too. It's a scary thought, but it's a realistic one. Never forget that she is a volunteer in your mess.

~LM & DW

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

Why Would You Want to be Married to a Crazy?

Because I'm an idiot! Though it's true, that's not the answer. It was to be there for the children.

This one from February 11, 2002 was the aftermath of more discussion regarding my bipolar disorder suspicions. I reiterated my desire that she go see a psychiatrist. I finally told her that if she went and he said she was perfectly fine, I would give her the uncontested divorce she wanted. If I was correct, she was to agree to a course of therapy and medication (or whatever the doctor would deem appropriate) and continue to work on the marriage. I was very serious.

Ultimately, she refused to do that because she was paranoid about me "setting her up" to take the kids rather than in an effort to save the marriage. We also touch on when I was ejected from Christmas 2001 at the in-law's house.

She closes with more key indicators of her focus on money and her own financial well-being at the expense of the family. Again, the "got a minute" opening foretells of another troublesome discussion.

PEW: got a minute
LM: Yep.
PEW: I just want to make sure before I make the appointment to see a Psychiatrist that we are on the same page
LM: k
PEW: so if the Doctor says that I am "normal".....we can part ways....amicably??
LM: We'll see.
PEW: well i need more than we'll see.....i mean that's pretty much what you've been saying all along
LM: Sure.
PEW: sure?
LM: Yep.
PEW: i don't understand what you are saying
LM: Sure, if you aren't diagnosed with anything, you go ahead and file. I'll have been wrong in my beliefs that it can be fixed and you do what you need to do.
PEW: well I can go ahead and file now.....
LM: You sure can.
PEW: the piece that's missing is your cooperation.
LM: There is nothing I can do to stop you from filing.
PEW: i need that so that I can get my half of the house and move etc....i can't move with no money
LM: We'll do whatever the judge says.
PEW: well i can't get legal aid unless i move out.
---------------

Though I made many strategic errors along the way, this is a piece of advice that is especially important to fathers in such a situation. You move out, you set yourself back in divorce and family court substantially. Unless there is domestic violence or some other fear that leaves you little/no choice - if you want to have meaningful custody time with your children post-divorce, don't leave the marital household. There is almost no explanation that a male will be able to provide in court that will be taken seriously. You leave, you lose. Perhaps 2nd only to a false accusation of spousal abuse or child abuse - it will be at the top of the list of things your vindictive partner will try to force you to do.

---------------
LM: Unless ordered by a judge, I will not continue to further bury the family financially.
PEW: I'm in kind of a pinch here
LM: Well, selling the house for you to file for divorce isn't an option. Sorry. Borrow it from your dad or something. He'll get his money back when the judge makes us liquidate.
PEW: well then i'll have to move in with my parents. there isn't any other option. because i can't get legal aid while we live together and it's going to be a mess.
---------------

Translation: Make this easy for me and difficult for you and do so voluntarily.

---------------
LM: Sorry.
PEW: It's a shame really. it's only one month sooner than I originally said. what's the problem?
LM: Yeah, it's a shame.
PEW: why would you want to be married to a "crazy" anyway?
LM: I love you.
PEW: I love you, too, but #1...I am not going to married to someone who thinks I am Bipolar
LM: If you have an illness of some sort, you're not "crazy."
PEW: ...I'm not going to be married to someone who is so predictable.....
LM: Fine.
PEW: I can't be married to someone who is at odds with my family.
LM: I'm not at odds with your family.
PEW: you....you're not?
LM: And be assured, you're not moving in with your parents with the boys.
PEW: we'll go to court...and a judge will decide. what are you going to do - you can't stop me
LM: I'll file for custody of the children, ask for an immediate judgement because I can't have the children living under the same roof with an alcoholic.
PEW: well i'll just tell the judge that you wouldn't move out.... so I had to
LM: Nor can I have them exposed to the periodic visits from somebody who is suffering from a mental illness, is prone to violence and stalking, and has tried to kill herself.
PEW: he isn't going to take the kids from me because of my family
LM: Yes he will. Count on it.
---------------

Surely a judge would take into consideration these circumstances, right? Count on nothing. While nothing changed to any great significance between this moment and the few years later when PEW would file for divorce, my efforts to have written into court orders that her sister and father be prohibited from watching the children alone were not considered.

---------------
PEW: you're prone to violence too. don't try to scare me, LM
LM: I'm not.
PEW: whatever happens....happens....I think you're mentally ill....i also think you are an alcoholic
LM: Now, this conversation is over. You have your answer.
PEW: so they are better off with me
LM: I refuse to argue anymore on this topic.
PEW: well....i'm moving to my parents house
LM: Okay.
PEW: you leave me no other choice.
LM: I won't be home for lunch. I'm going directly to the courthouse. Sorry, you leave me no choice.
PEW: well, if you would move out for one month.
LM: No.
PEW: it would save us both alot of heartache
LM: No, it wouldn't.
PEW: well then i won't move in with my parents....i'll take the discover card with the $15000 limit and charge an apartment
---------------

If it's not on the list of 15-Ways To Become a Psycho Ex-Wife, it should be... threaten financial devastation because you think the husband will be on the hook for it. Truth be told, he would be. In most states, any debts incurred up to the date a divorce is formally filed is joint marital debt. When you have a PEW, it's not uncommon to find that they've run up your credit cards to the max before jumping out of the airplane and pulling the chute. Be mindful that it's not just joint credit cards. In my case, PEW got her own credit card and spent it up in the 6-months prior to filing. Yes, I was responsible for half of it.

---------------
LM: If you don't want to be near me, and your parents is the only place you can go... then you can go there when I get home from work for a month.
PEW: NO. i'm not leaving my kids no way
LM: Nor am I.
PEW: you can move in with one of your brothers for ONE month
LM: Sorry.
PEW: while we sort this out. you are so mean
LM: No, I'm not. I only talk to you nicely at home. I've told you to do what you feel you need to do. And that is all I have to say on the matter pending a visit to a doctor.
PEW: well, i'm not going because fater that you'll just come up with something else. you need the Psychiatrist
LM: Okay, bye-bye.
PEW: if you asked me for a divorce...you'd have it. the discover card it is then
---------------

She was never going to go to the doctor. She didn't. She also didn't leave and put an apartment on the credit card.

---------------
LM: Good luck. It's in your name. Don't abuse it.
PEW: So what.... i'll get $30000 when the house sells
LM: You wish. We'll take a bath on that, too.
PEW: i only need about $2500...no we won't...the house was worth about $230000....Plus i'll get 1/2 of your retirement both [401K-1) and (401K-2).
LM: lol.
PEW: you're a rotten person
LM: You've got it all worked out, don't you? See ya.
PEW: No, not really.
---------------

Yet, even today, I'm the one who is "all about the money." From the moment she made the decision to file for divorce, all I wanted was to minimize both the emotional and financial impact on everyone. Unfortunately, with a lawyer whispering in her ear of the untold millions she would get by doing certain things which will be detailed later, her #1 priority was maximizing her settlement and child support figure. Her motivations were evident years before she ever filed.

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

Slapping A Child Shows Maternal Instinct

WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR AN ANNOUNCEMENT: We discussed going all "April Fool's Day" on everyone and making a post about my suddenly walking out on DW, reconciling with PEW, and moving in with PEW and the kids. For a fraction of a second we thought it was funny and then quickly concluded it was not, really. We choose instead to post this announcement that we are a slight bit twisted regarding our sense of humor - but perhaps a mere mention in passing would make someone smile before embarking upon another wreck of a story. END OF ANNOUNCEMENT.


...it was always an issue. If you've been reading a while now, I won't rehash the reasons. If you haven't been reading a while, click on the labels to the left and then on main characters. You'll get to where you need to be.

What started off innocently enough in this case would turn into a fight about PP babysitting the children.

PEW: HEY
LM: uu
PEW: DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE!!!
LM: What message?
PEW: for God's sake. did you feed the mutts
LM: No.
PEW: ok. where's the Vacuum
LM: Upstairs closet.
PEW: for God's sakes
LM: lol
PEW: what the f---
LM: LMAO!
PEW: lol
LM: What is going on here?!?!?
PEW: nothin
LM: If you sent me an e-card again, I blocked all mail from that address.
PEW: really from what address
LM: When I went to the site...
PEW: i didn't
LM: ...and plugged in the card. Oh, okay.
PEW: did you get the first card
LM: No. Busy. Talk to you about it later.
PEW: NO>>>>>>YOU'LL TALK NOW
LM: Oh, I got an e-card notification.
PEW: it's probably from your girlfriend
LM: When I went to this site... it couldn't show me the card... for "spamming" reasons, but then pitched the site for me. So, it turned out it was an ad. I thought it was from you.
PEW: no
LM: Then I did the right thing.
PEW: .....3002336858686545
LM: lol
PEW: that was S2, character he is. do you have a second
---------------

Uh-oh. It's the "do you have a second" tell. Now I'm in for it...

---------------
LM: y/ What?
PEW: i asked my mom about watching the kids either next Fri or Sat. then PP said....she'll take S1 overnight and my mom would take S2.... so what do you want to do
LM: No.
PEW: shit
LM: Shit nothing, PEW.
PEW: Ok
LM: Why is it we agree about babysitting where your sister is concerned... and then violate it?
PEW: well...why was it ok when i went to the ER
LM: Because the option was not taking our kid to the hospital.
---------------

Even that isn't the best situation, but it was an emergency situation.

---------------
PEW: what do you think she's going to do? ok...well then call MCB and tell him we can't go out. my mom said she can't handle both of them
LM: Okay.
PEW: so then we do nothing for Valentine
LM: No... I'll see if CAM can watch S1 on Fri or Sat.
PEW: no because i'm not telling PP that we think she's kuckoo
LM: Okay... last time... and she is not babysitting anymore. She is not better. We don't know when she is drinking and when she is not. I'm not thrilled with the slap situation that occurred. And so on.
PEW: what do you mean....last time?
LM: If S1 gets ornery, she can't handle it. Obviously, you told her it was okay to babysit, am I wrong?
---------------

This is how this argument would always go. PP would either want to spend some time with one or both of the boys or she would offer to babysit in a pinch. That, in and of itself, isn't a big deal. It's telling her yes in the aftermath of our agreement not to allow it because of the circumstances (drug, alcohol abuse... untreated bipolar disorder, suicide attempts - all fairly decent reasons in my mind). She would tell PP yes and then ask me if I would be agreeable to allowing it. Then I was the bastard when I would invariably say NO.

---------------
PEW: she offered LM....i was a little put on the spot
LM: "No" isn't that difficult.
PEW: my mom said she didn't feel comfortable with both of them....then PP offered to take S1. well i'll just tell her we're not going. i'm not going to argue this
LM: There is no arguing.
PEW: i do not think she is a threat to S1 in any way. she's fine with him one on one....
PEW: she gets crazy when he's thumping S2 around...
LM: Was she fine the night she whacked him - with your Mom there?
PEW: it's only natural....i freak when he does it
LM: Look... I don't want your sister babysitting until I am comfortable that she is following what she needs to do to get better.
PEW: well it only shows that she has some maternal instinct
---------------

I didn't make that up. Slapping a 3-year old so hard you leave a handprint on his FACE shows "maternal instinct." Yes, this is the same woman who thinks I abuse my children because they can't watch 18-hours of TV a day. She's the one who believes beating a child upside the head and face is what every mother would do when they don't know how to stop a child from doing something.

At this moment, not only do I have to live with PEW being the guide, the parent, the person who is charged with helping me bring up healthy, stable children, but PP is there, sometimes staying for several days at a time to "help" in that endeavor.

Lucky me.

---------------
LM: Right now, I am not comfortable that is happening. Stop excuse-making. Now, if you don't want to "make her feel bad" - then I say, let her babysit, NOT overnight, and this is the last time.
PEW: i'm not.....S1 could try the patient's of a frigging saint. patience i meant
LM: PEW... is your sister sick? Yes.
PEW: aren'
LM: PEW... is your sister not doing everything she can to get her shit straight? Yes.
PEW: aren't we all
LM: I don't care about the rest. I'm sorry if you don't like that. I'm just telling you how I feel.
PEW: she's doing pretty well
LM: YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SHE WON'T BE.
PEW: she's looking for a job...she hasn't been drinking
LM: I am not comfortable with the risk. Okay?
PEW: well then we won't go out..... i'm used to not having a babysitter and going out...that's why I got a job.....
LM: Your choice, not mine. So please, when it comes up later, remember that you made the decision not to go out, and not blame me down the road.
PEW: well, most of my family is already alienated from us.....
---------------

You know, it's moment like these when I think of all of the philosophical questions or even Table Topics and there is a question like, If you could go back in time and do something differently, what would you do?

When I read something like the above, I increasingly find myself thinking, I would go back and scream in my own face for allowing these type of arguments go on and on and on, mindlessly, never achieving anything.

---------------
LM: PEW. Stop. Do not try to justify this situation with that. Do not try to justify this situation with anything.
PEW: I left S2 with your mom and I don't think the risks involved there were any less
LM: I don't trust your sister in her current situation.
PEW: you're mom can't even ambulate the stairs
---------------

Yes, my mother who had knee trouble from a degenerative condition is the same as a drug & alcohol abusing, untreated diagnosed bipolar disordered sister. Logical in the warped mind of a BPD.

---------------
LM: Are you serious?
PEW: yes
LM: Okay. Then I can see this is going to be a tit-for-tat situation. I'll tell my Mom she is no longer on the babysitting list. Okay?
PEW: i don't think that's necessary. i think we just don't ask. we don't have to hurt her feelings
LM: It's not, because when she watches S2, she can stay either upstairs or downstairs. She isn't mentally unbalanced, drinking excessively, and stalking people, okay? Don't compare the two.
PEW: she's about the same as my sister
LM: No, she isn't.
PEW: ok
---------------

Oy-vey! No, I don't remember if we went out. Probably not. She just can't keep her thoughts, wishes, and stories straight. While at the same time arguing that she is used to not having a babysitter and not going out - she would "equalize" things by arguing that my mother shouldn't babysit. (By the way, she could absolutely "ambulate the stairs.") She would tune-out the reality and depth of her sister's problems by claiming "aren't we all [sick]?" No, just some of us, PEW. Just some of us.

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

Laying Out My Suspicions in a 2002 Letter

3-days after the instant-message discussion detailed in the Christmas 2001 Ejection post, I had given her a typewritten letter with the header "Emotional Problems." On the advice of the counselor we had seen earlier the prior year, since we couldn't talk to one another about issues, we were to write them down. I allude to a letter from her which I apparently no longer have. I am curious as to its specific content, but it appears from my reply that addressed whatever it is she brought up. While it wasn't the first time I had suggested that she may have bipolar disorder, it would be the first (and I think only) time I laid out my case for exploring the possibility in such detail. This is from 1/6/2002.

It's long. Forgive the rambling nature and any spelling issues. The only changes made below were to eliminate names and locations as appropriate. Admittedly, I broke it up into better paragraphs (if not perfect) to make it easier to read.

Emotional Problems:

My belief that you may have a condition that is similar to your brother/sister are based on the facts that the things I have experienced and witnessed are, with little question in my mind, parallel to the experiences we've seen with your siblings. I did not tell you this without giving it a great deal of thought. I didn't tell you this to be malicious. I didn't tell you this in an effort to "set you up" with the intention of taking the children from you, which brings me to my first symptom:

Paranoia:

I have been a party to your paranoia on several different occasions, the above being the most recent example.

Example #2 I can recall was a night not long ago when we were in "crisis," when you came out of the bedroom and asked me "who were you on the phone with?" Repeatedly, I told you that I hadn't even picked up the phone and you didn't believe me. I told you to hit redial and see, which you wouldn't do, and yet for 2-days, you still accused me of having been on the phone talking with somebody - via argument - despite having every opportunity in the world at the moment in question to see that I wasn't on the phone with anybody.

Example #3 - The "invention." Despite using my work bonus to help cultivate the idea, there was no appreciation. I support this endeavor 100%. When I tried to use my experience to offer ideas on how to enhance the plan, you became enraged. During what I recall as a week's worth of argument from you, you accused me of things like "trying to steal the idea" -- "trying to take all of the credit" -- "trying to get all of the recognition." You made these horrible accusations despite the fact that I had told family and friends (all of them) that this was your wonderful idea and we were really going to try and make it work. I got into trouble for trying to assist you and you told me to stop. Then, when I played the hands-off role, the entire summer went by and nothing was done on the project. You then started a few-days-long argument about how horrible I was for NOT helping you.

Example #4 - Accusations of being a druggie - which included (when you made your first accusation) regular use of marijuana, use of cocaine, and accusations of being an "alcoholic." You made these accusations without justifying it with any classically accepted indications for what signs are of drug abuse. You brought home a drug test, which I took approximately 24-hours after first refusing, having refused because I was so angry at the allegation.

Example #5 - Accusing me of taking "masking agents" after I refused to take the test the previous night, despite the fact that I home all day, except for going to dinner with my brothers for a couple of hours. Those are just a few and while as dramatic as the experiences we've seen amongst others, still parallel the signs of those we know.

Example #6 - Your inability to accept the gift-certificate to the salon because you were paranoid about their "upscale" clientele and how you weren't deserving and wouldn't go there because people would "look at you" and similar strange excuses. There are other instances, too.

Wild highs and lows regarding your mood:

Gift-giving - embarrassingly, I truly cannot recall but maybe one gift-giving event that went without a fight from you. You don't like: the engagement ring (despite the fact that you picked it out), started prolonged fight over the diamond anniversary band I got, last Christmas was ruined for weeks/months because rather than appreciate the fact that I got you everything that you wanted, I also got gift certificates for maternity massages at a facility that came with a recommendation from your obstetrician. Christmas was again a disaster, and you started several fights over the coming months about how "inconsiderate" it was of me to get you that gift as you didn't feel you would want a stranger to massage you "in that condition."

You started a fight with me on Valentine's Day 2001 because I didn't write you a poem, this, despite the fact that we weren't in the best of situations after only a couple weeks earlier having a bad time during the January incident.

You started several fights which lasted for as long as a week when you wanted to be engaged. Despite knowing for months in my mind that I was going to ask for your hand in marriage on my birthday in 1996, you ruined New Year's, Valentine's Day, and other days with no significance that year because I didn't ask you when you wanted me to ask you. I can even recall telling you that I would tell you when I was going to ask for your hand in marriage if you wanted, because I did have a plan, which you didn't believe. You felt I was just stringing you along (also fits with paranoia).

The fact that after years of experiencing it, we would actually joke between ourselves for you to never tell me how "great a father" I was or "how much you loved me" because we BOTH realized that within 24-48 hours of your doing so, I would allegedly do or say something or "have a look" on my face and you would proclaim me some of the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me.

Christmas morning, after giving you two very nice gifts which I thought you would really like and writing you a heart-felt love not, you hugged me, kissed me, and told me how wonderful I was. Within hours, the look on your face had changed and when I asked you what was wrong, you commenced to berate me about my getting you the "wrong" gifts and how much I spent on you being "too much." You rare accept gifts graciously - especially from me, but from others, too. It is as though you cannot accept the generosity from others because you believe that you aren't deserving or something.

When I stated that I was not interested in attending the wedding shower for your brother and his fiancee, you immediately launched into a top-of-your-lungs scream session over how wrong I was for not being interested in going to a shower.

Claiming I beat my ex-wife without any honest concept of when and how our relationship deteriorated, and making wild claims about our life together - and also threatening to call her to discuss the matter whenever you are upset with me.

Threatening Behavior:

Not so much physically, but other ways... threatening to leave, threatening to divorce, threatening to take the kids, threatening to sic various family members or me, threatening to run up the credit cards, threatening to take the time to pursue a relationship, including sexual, with somebody else because you "deserve to be happy" - this despite the fact that we're married.

Irrational Behavior:

An inability to take truly constructive criticism or give credence to any idea or tyring something out on my request, but an expectation that you can do same without problem.

I can't recall ever making a parental suggestion or expressing concern over an issue involving the children without your starting a days-long fight. Starting a week-long fight over the fact that I asked for us to try putting a triple dresser in S1's room and if it really didn't work, I could remove it.

ANY time I make a suggestion that doesn't meet with your approval, you toss barbs at me like "oh, and you're the expert father" and claiming that I have no right because "I don't spend as much time with them as you do."

At my request that you take a look at two houses outside of your comfort zone on the possibility that they may strike you as good - you starting a week's long fight which culminated in your having a meltdown in front of your own mother in which you called me horrible names and again - threatened divorce. All this, despite giving consideration to a great many areas of living that were outside of my comfort zone and within areas that were of interest to you.

After breaking my rear-end to install a fence that you wanted installed right away, it taking me one weekend longer than I anticipated, not one word of appreciation or congratulations on the job I did. Instead, a weekend-long tirade about how "inconsiderate" and "what a fucking cheap asshole" I was for not paying an additional $1,200 or so dollars to have the fence installed by the fence company. Why? Because you had to spend "so much time watching the children" while I broke my back doing good work on something you wanted installed right away.

Despite dozens of requests that you not call me in work to fight on the phone, you repeatedly fail to heed the requests and call me and leave me messages that are almost identical in tone and veracity as those your sister has left with us, and apparently (if the stories are true) - other people.

Your repeatedly claiming that you can't get a word in edgewise - even in your very letter, despite the fact that - the only time I interrupt you is when you start calling me the filthy, vile names which you are prone to do, and/or you bring into the discussion matters which are not relevant to the situation at hand. If you don't call me names, point fingers in my face, and at my nose, maintain a reasonable level of volume (not screaming), we can discuss any matter you wish without interruption from me. However, I will always cut you off when you start calling me fucking asshole, impotent fuckers, asshole, fucking faggot and gay, bringing my relationship with my ex-wife into the discussion.

Despite your fear that I may be correct in my beliefs, the parallels are quite close, and in many cases - identical to those we know have such a condition. Combine all of the alleged symptoms with the fact that the condition is genetic, and two of your siblings already have it, the possibility exists that I may be correct. Now, despite your belief that I bring this up maliciously - it is simply not the case. The fact that I love you so very much and am willing to go through these struggles and hope that we can find out if my assessment is true means a lot to ME, if nobody else. The reason I am unwilling to just "walk away" from this marriage is that I think that things can be fixed and you have to dig deep and take the risk of finding out if it is true. If it is, it can be treated and I think would go a long way towards combating all of these symptoms that I believe point to the condition. Together, counseling has never been given a chance, because you just cannot seem to handle the fact that when the counselor intimates something that is not to your liking - you quit. It happened in the fall of 2001. During the spring/summer sessions that we attended together (2 of them) you were all over the place and the counselor suggested you continue to see your counselor and we would come back together, which never occurred. We've never had any appreciable, constructive time TOGETHER in counseling for you to base your claim of "it hasn't worked."

Christmas Presents Specifically:

It was a mess because you couldn't control your anger. Your belief that you were getting the ring is patently false, because we discussed the fact that you threw out the Macy's circular and I was unwilling to take a guess as to which ring it was and that I was definitely NOT getting it for your for Christmas. You knew this two weeks in advance, and we discussed getting it for you for Valentine's Day so that you could show me exactly what you wanted. Why? Because I know that if I got the wrong one (as we've previously experienced with both the engagement ring and the anniversary band) if it wasn't the right time or the right one - you would have started another war over it. Any claim to the contrary by you is simply a false one.

As for the gifts I did get you - #1 The [Name Deleted] Gift Pack was STRONGLY recommended by your sister as "I must get this" for you. She made no bones about how much you allegedly loved it. Obviously, her recollection was incorrect. However, I make no apologies for the effort. I believed I had it on good authority and it was a worthwhile gift. That said, instead of graciously acknowledging the effort and telling me I was wrong, you started a fight.

#2 - The gift certificate to the salon was based upon our incessant complaining through the fall about things like "not being able to get your hair done" and "how much you would like to occasionally get your nails done' and on others informing about how much you would like to "get a massage." Based on those experiences, the gift certificate covered any combination of several of those options which you have previously "wished" you could get done. Then, you come up with an excuse to fight about that one claiming that you "don't feel comfortable" amongst the upscale clientele, and that I was wrong to get you that, again - instead of graciously saying "thanks but no thanks" like reasonable gift-receivers do. You again opted to start a fight and effectively destroy our holidays again. I make no apologies for the logic behind getting you the gift.

#3 - As for the "amount of money I spent" - your claim that you wanted the rings means that I spent exactly $40 more than it would have cost me for the ring when you factor in the tax. So, despite your claim to the contrary, it simply isn't the case and I cannot conceive of a reason for you to act as ungrateful as you did on this or any other gift-giving occasion where I am concerned.

#4 - Considering how much you were able to spend on all of your recipients for Christmas, your questioning my expenditures for you is unfair. You got to spend with little or no question, just asking that you be cautious because things would be "close" this month. I never, ever said that we weren't going to be able to pay the mortgage in January. I simply stated that we must be cautious about what we spend to ensure that would could pay the mortgage. Including the few hundred I spent on you, we did perfectly and were able to pay the mortgage. Again, your recollection of events is false. In fact, I used up our entire PayPal reserve to ensure that you wouldn't feel like you slighted any of your gift recipients. I never said word-on about what you spent, on whom it was spent, or why it was spent. A consideration that I never get, not even when the person I buy gifts for is you.

Christmas Day and your brother making fun of S1's head and ears:

While you and your family continue to harp on the fact that I kindly asked [brother], "Please don't make fun of my kids" after 5 separate comments about his head and ears, the fact remains that what was wrong occurred when a 30-year old felt compelled to make fun of a 3-year old and now you and your family justify it in any number of ways. I sympathize greatly with what your family has gone through in recent months. I've done my part to help whenever I could. However, using that as an excuse to look the other way with regard to what [brother] did on Christmas Day while continuing to claim that I was the one who did wrong is inexcusable. While you continue to preach to the choir about [brother's] love for the kids, how many gifts he gives them, how much time he spends with them, and how he plays with him - doesn't change the fact that he said what he said on Christmas Day, and I kindly asked him not to do it. There is no question in my mind regarding [brother's] love for the children. I never believed that he said what he said to be malicious. the PROBLEM is that he, and others, think it is "funny" to call children names. S1 is 3-years old. I don't care what you believe S1 believed about the making fun of his head and ears. It is inappropriate under any circumstances and your family (mostly your father and PP) have been doing it for the better part of three years, despite your repeated attempts to insist that they stop it. Additionally, your claim (perhaps your brother's, I don't know) that he said it once, after S1 hurt his head under the dining room table - is false. What he said under the table was the 5th comment in a span of 5-minutes. 3 about