Not that it matters. On the heels of yesterday's post, I had received another antagonizing email from PEW. It was short & simple:
LM,
So you're not going to get a land line then or let the boys have a cell phone? I want to be clear when I file, so can you please confirm?
~PEW
No reply. An hour later, 7:00AM, I get this:
LM,
I'm not filing a petition at this time. I apologize if my tone was accusatory. I'm sure the situation is difficult for you at times. It is for me too. I worry constantly about the kids when they are not with me and honestly, they have been upset alot lately for many reasons and that concerns me. It makes me very emotional about the situation because I don't know what to do to help them, aside from asking for another evaluation, which I really don't want to do. They love you very much and I know it would be better for them if instead of us fighting it out in court, we were able to work things out for them somehow without all the ugliness. The phone thing is a valid concern. I'm not asking you to put out the money, I can get them a phone.
Again, I apologize for my tone and insulting DW. Trying to be nice after three years of nastiness is new territory for me. I'm sure the boys complain about me too at times.
I don't have what it takes right now to go back to court, it's way to draining. I just feel like I'm up against a wall and it's the only threat I have, but I'm sure that my saying that is upsetting. Sorry.
~PEW
Without the history laid out before you, this might be an apology from any normal, sane person worthy of acceptance. I must tell you, an email like this is as rare as a sighting of Bigfoot. In fact, in the last 4-years since the initiation of the divorce, I can't think of a single one.
The apology email is bizarre on so many levels. At 6:00AM, she's still fired up and engaging. An hour later - a complete course reversal with a heartfelt apology that, on the surface, seems sincere. It's not. As always, it won't be long before the next issue as she sees it will start the cycle over again. The apology is also an effort to have me engage her further, to let my guard down, to perhaps lower my boundaries. It won't happen. Now we're kindred spirits, struggling in the aftermath of a difficult divorce and custody situation. The honest truth is that the only part of this that is far and away the leader in difficulty - is the interaction between me and the PEW. Literally, we have almost no need to discuss anything together aside from issues relating to the children - and not those that are imagined, embellished, or are otherwise complete fiction created in her own mind.
I don't know what to do to help them, aside from asking for another evaluation...
Among other line-items, this one sticks out like a sore thumb. Repeating myself, as usual, there is that telling quote again. "I don't know what to do." Of course, her answer is, defer to someone else... a custody evaluator. If it's a problem at school, she doesn't know what to do and she'll defer to someone else... a teacher or guidance counselor. If it is a minor health issue, she doesn't know what to do and she'll defer to someone else... the doctor. If it is a problem at home, she doesn't know what to do and she'll defer to (and blame) someone else... me. I'm not sure folks understand just how scary those words are when they come from the other parent of your children who has custody 50% of the time.
"I don't know what to do."Trying to be nice after 3-years of nastiness is new territory? Trying to be nice after 12+ years of nastiness would be new territory for her. I don't even need for her to be nice to me. What I need is for her to live her own life. Live it to the fullest when the children aren't with you. GO! GODSPEED, PEW! When the children are with you, live it to the fullest with them. Do right by them. Help them grow up to be normal, well-adjusted, successful individuals. Don't bother me unless you absolutely have to. I don't bother you unless I absolutely have to and I'm perfectly fine with that. No, we're not going to be buddies. That's unfortunate, but that's life. Our history (and your disorders) have sealed that fate.
The questions of her that a person might want to ask after reading this would be:
- Why do you accuse or otherwise intimate that he is abusing the children?
- Why do you feel like your back is up against the wall?
- What the hell is wrong?
I spoke with the children at length on Monday just to try and get a feel for where they are at. Of course, I knew that her concerns and accusations were embellished and/or fabricated. Other than some complaints that one would expect from a near 7YO and a 9YO, there was nothing out of the ordinary. They're not abused. They're both doing very well in school. They're both doing well in scouts (despite the fact that she has done nearly nothing to help them with their achievements). They're mostly happy. They're mostly healthy. They're looking forward to the weather warming up.
It's inexplicable to me that they are conveying anything to her that is worthy of all of her drama, her concerns, her worry, her fears, etc. Well, except for the fact that they're now with me half of the time. My bets are exclusively on that. She's lost that much more control over me, the children, and the situation. She's been exposed repeatedly in court, so that avenue is not really a realistic one for her going forward. (Though, it likely won't stop her from trying.) She has "always known" I was "the better parent" and has as much said so in court and in at least one evaluation. If not "the better parent" - an "excellent father" and she "couldn't ask for a better father." Yes, those comments get lost under the constant barrage of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, homosexuality, impotence, child-abandonment, deadbeat dad, and all of the other horrible things she says... but they're in there, too. (Yes, I laughed as I typed that. No, it isn't really funny.)
No, I'm not proud of that reality. It only serves to cause me more concern. What is she going to do if the children encounter real problems, like doing drugs? She doesn't know what to do when they are mad that Dad doesn't let them watch as much TV as they want, or play with inappropriate toys, what the hell is she going to be able to do to effectively parent these children as they grow? Every evaluation we have had has said she has zero problem solving skills and that she only focuses her anger on LM. And yet, here we are, with her still having 50% custody although she doesn't have the parenting skills to actually parent.
From the custody evaluation #2 - I offer briefs of the conclusion paragraphs for each regarding parenting. This was from nearly 3-years ago and probably provided the fairest and most accurate assessment of each us.
"LM's bond with S1 and S2 appeared genuine. He is an intense person with a strong work ethic and excellent parenting strengths. He has a history of making long commitments in both work and personal relationships."(versus)
"PEW is struggling with adapting to post-divorce life. Further, while her parenting style is materially different from LM, his absence creates a void where the children can and will challenge her authority more vigorously, thus, reducing her effectiveness. Her powerlessness was evident as her problem-solving ability around this issue was stunted."Nevermind that my "absence" was created by her choice to walk out and end the marriage after repeated failures to seek or maintain help. Nevermind that my absence was caused by the first custody evaluation where I didn't get a fair evaluation (her conclusion was the reason I wanted custody was because PEW wouldn't accept a settlement on the marital home, more details in a future post). Nevermind that my absence was caused by PEW blindsiding me, without justification, for sole custody of the children when we had a working shared parenting situation.
Clearly, this has only gotten worse over the years. Having nothing short of the most basic parenting skill, I would agree, is "materially different." Still, due to the fact that, at the time, I was 3-1/2 hours away, despite the evaluator's concerns regarding her lying and her having an untreated, diagnosed bipolar alcoholic living with her and playing a caretaker role in the children's lives -
she still recommended primary custody to PEW! Yep, there are still people out there who will argue that fathers get a fair shake in family court.
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Later in the evening, the boys wanted to talk some more about how mom has been acting. I won't get into it all, just something very specific.
They are very worried because mom is again, as she has many times in the past, telling the children not to worry because when they are 12-years old, they will go before the judge and "get to pick" who they want to live with.This is wrong on so many levels that I don't need to describe to my primarily normal readers. If you're not normal, just post a reply and I'll be happy to explain it to you.
The children are very concerned about this predicament and extremely anxious that mom is talking with them about court issues again.
I told them how to handle it again. Tell her, respectfully,
Mom, I asked Dad about this and he reassured me that no judge will make me choose between my parents. Please don't speak to me about your court issues with dad anymore, I don't want to hear about it. Please stop telling me I will have to pick who I live with.S1 also described several situations where he said "...and I know she was lying." Or, "I'll tell her one version of how something went, and then it goes through this filter or something, and comes out of her so much worse than what I said!"
The kid knows what's going on and it isn't right. It's really hard carefully trying to explain these things without overtly bad-mouthing mom. I simply told him to "trust his gut" and never be afraid to tell me about anything he has concerns about, even if he's afraid it will hurt my feelings. It might, but it probably is something we need to discuss anyway and he has to trust that I will not be mad about it, especially if he's strong enough to approach me about it.
I also offered to openly call PEW and put her on speaker phone with the children and I would explain to her what I had explained to them about their court input (which is completely inaccurate). I explained that if this is really scaring you that bad, we can respectfully confront her about it and ask her to stop telling you that. They told me not to... for now... and that my explanation was clear and they understood.
Sad, but somewhat humorous how children oftentimes "get it" - we spoke about how the little complaints that they tell get processed by mom. We used several recent examples of normal kid-complaints about parents (tv, video games, etc).
I asked them what they thought mom's conclusion was with each example. I swear to you, unprompted, S1's response
every time was, "Dad is a bad guy." That was it. "Dad is a bad guy." No matter what the story was.
When we used examples of normal kid-complaints that they sometimes have with mom and tell me. It was longer and more thought out. "Usually, you point out if we did something that really wasn't the right choice." I laughed. "Then you tell us that sometimes moms and dads have to make decisions we don't like, but because they know better." I said... "usually." ;-)
Parental Alienation Syndrome, folks. Malicious Mother Syndrome. Whether you like the name or not, it exists. PEW is working YEARS in advance to convince the children that I'm the "bad guy" and when they're 12-years old they can stroll into court and pick her over me. It's disgusting.
They're "getting it" and it makes me sad.
