FBen: "An Oasis for the Battered Husband of a BPD"

LM & DW,

I discovered your site last night and almost cried at how parallel the accounts were to my own situation.

My soon-to-be ex-wife is a classic BPD. She has admitted to being unfaithful to me twice in our 6-year marriage and I'm the idiot who continued to try and please her, understand her, change for her. All this through her constant accusations and blaming and name-calling and physical abuse.

At one point, I stopped talking to my family to please her. She had dug through my laptop and found emails from them where they were telling me what they really thought of her. Of course, it was a holiday (Thanksgiving) - which I then spent alone after she packed up the child and went to her mother's. I was the big liar for telling her that my folks loved her, etc.

I'm a liar, loser, gay, asshole, child-abuser, bad-lay, narcissistic bastard (and I know I'm missing quite a few of her more clever names). According to her I'm not only cheating on her constantly (with every woman at my office), but I also have secret connections into her cellphone and computer. Oh, the holidays... except for this past Christmas (which I've termed the 'Xmas Miracle' - a civil harmonious period of 4-days) every holiday has fallen victim to her drama. Her folks, my folks, friends, strangers - her wrath is non-discriminatory. She complained that I never planned anything for the two of us - well, it's because of my fear of the self-destruction in a public place that almost always would occur.

I could rant and rant and rant... Anyway, we've been separated since the end of last year. We have a young daughter who will forever connect us. I know I can never remove her insanity from my life completely, but at least now I have a place I can go to laugh about the absurdity of it all and not feel so alone.

Nice work on documenting,

Former Borderline-Enabler in Nashville

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FBEN,

Much appreciated on the feedback and thanks for coming by to visit.

I actually finally shared my blog with a trusted sibling and he called me with the "OH, MY GOD, LM!" At this point, it's not an unusual reaction. He had a similarly horrible experience a long time ago. "I didn't even read a whole lot and I'm wondering how you found enough peace to have two children!"

Oh well... now it's into mess management mode while making the best life possible for myself, my kids, and my family (DW and her kids). It isn't always easy, but all I have to do is think about that last relationship to realize just how good it is to struggle in a more positive way!

~LM

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No. Wait. Things Were Better Before We Moved.

10-days after the last documented "Dance of Dysfunction" as seen in the Things Will Be Different If We Move post, we have another go'round.

I haven't pointed it out, though you may have noticed, occasionally I will start an IM discussion about something normal, and she is just seemingly compelled to use it as an excuse to drag us into the pit of instant-message hell. S2 is 4-months old at this point and I was going to be taking him somewhere, probably a walk, and I didn't know if we had a tote that the baby could flop around in. I couldn't remember if we had one from S1 or not.

Now we've moved and things were supposed to be different, but here we are not a month past settlement and I've been threatened with divorce, financial devastation, the loss of the children a number of times already. The process accelerated after we moved, quite frankly. To this day, a little part of me thinks that this was actually planned well in-advance. Just how far in advance, I care not speculate. It was bad enough as it was.

LM: Do we have a "belly-pack" for S2?
PEW:: no
LM: I don't think we want to be carting him around in that seat.
PEW:: he's too heavy for one of those
LM: REALLY?!?!
PEW:: he can't go in the stroller
LM: We can't find a "bigger" one or something? Oh, yeah, I guess he can, can't he? Duh.
PEW:: i guess. can i ask........what does your family know of our problems??
---------------

There's the shift. As I think back, it's hard for me to even recall a time where we had normal "IMversations." I guess they may have occurred. Of course, if they did, I had no reason to save them. Still, the frequency of the IMs, emails, phone calls, etc. is rather alarming. Understate much?

---------------
LM: Nothing.
PEW:: interesting
LM: Probably last time mentioned I was going to counseling and stuff. I get the occasional "How is everything" and I give the same ole "Fine." Why? Did something happen?
PEW:: well, last week when your mom called...she asked me if I had gone back to the Doctor's..... which I thought was strange since S2 is 4 months old. that was right after you told me you thought I was bipolar
---------------

We have a 4-month old who, when born went straight to NICU. While there, an oversight occurred which resulted in an IV infiltrating causing a wound that took a long time to heal. The boy's grandmother's question is not unusual, except to the paranoid mind - one that would want her behavior kept secret at all costs.

---------------
LM: MY GOODNESS! The LAST person I would tell is my Mom.
PEW:: well....then DR [LM's SIL] asked me how "everything else" was going and I don't remember telling her anything
LM: Did you tell her about going to the Dr's and not being able to get him shots? And then maybe she was seeing if you got back to get them? That's not unusual.
PEW:: no...she was talking about my Doctor
---------------

Now that I think back on it. It's not possible she was talking about "her doctor." If no one told her she was seeing a doctor, DR would have no cause to ask about "her doctor." Fact is, PEW has no clue what doctor DR was talking about, but one thing I know is for sure, DR wasn't talking about "her doctor."

---------------
LM: Hmmm. I have no clue.
PEW:: ok
LM: You're back?
PEW:: well let's just clear the air about my mental health. i'm not bipolar. i'm not crazy. i'm not "losing my marbles". i have some depression and anxiety. as i'm sure you do from time to time. the situation with S1 and the baby is upsetting. my sister saw him today...he pinched S2 and slapped him. he's not always being mean....I never said that
LM: Ok.
PEW:: but the majority of the time I spend during the day is correcting him .....for it...so I think I should know what the norm is.....that's why I was so pissed
LM: So, how do I get to ask questions and discuss the matter without you freaking out on me and asking me why I'm asking?
PEW:: i don't know
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Hey! Thanks for the help. Now I know why my parents always got so annoyed at the "I don't know" reply when they asked a question about something that was probably of importance. Lucky for them, they didn't have to deal with it from an alleged grown-up.

Also, the rare times she came remotely close to acknowledging that something isn't quite right with herself, she couldn't do it without the obligatory "as I'm sure you do from time to time" or similar language. That's her way of telling herself she's normal.

---------------
LM: Why do I get the "rolleyes" when I say that his being affectionate is "not unusual" for him?
PEW:: because you have NO clue
LM: Why do I feel like I'm calling you a liar when I say simply the truth... that what you're telling me, while true, is something I haven't seen regularly? And... why isn't he slapping and pinching him when I am home in even remotely the frequency you describe? These are honest questions that need to be dealt with.
PEW:: because there are two of us, when you are home. S1 doesn't feel as left out I guess
LM: If they are going to be met with paranoia and accusations and questioning, then you'll have to deal with it on your own.
PEW:: i'm going to video tape it all day tomorrow
---------------

Oh no she won't. She didn't. She didn't because she was off her rocker. The tape probably wouldn't have shown me anything other than normal child behavior. Normal freshly 3-years old behavior with a new sibling in the house. If the tape did that, she wouldn't be able to have some excuse to bitch incessantly about having to be a parent. When in doubt, blame someone else... even the kids.

---------------
LM: Otherwise, I need straight answers without the attitude. I think that we can start by telling him that he is only allowed to touch S2's hands and feet until he gets a little bigger. And make sure that's all he does. Repeatedly. Just as a start.
PEW:: LM......just don't intimate again that I have some type of mental illness or am having a breakdown
LM: Well, I apologize if my concerns bother you. I won't do it again.
PEW:: well I'm concerned about you too
LM: I know.
PEW:: you are way more "off" than I am
---------------

Turn the projector on.

---------------
LM: Enough.
PEW:: well it's true. do you need me to tell you why
LM: I'm not the one who now not only freaks out and screams at the drop of a hat, you're also cursing and namecalling beyond all control again.
PEW:: interesting. how things change. you've totally taken the trust out of our relationship....so now I don't even feel like we're friends anymore. i can't talk to you anymore
LM: I'm the one who gets questioned about why I ask certain questions, what my motivations are, and yet - you tell me that I'm the one who has taken trust out?
PEW:: yeah, that's what i'm telling you
---------------

Yeah. That's normal.

---------------
LM: Okay.
PEW:: I can't discuss my feelings with you either
LM: Your feelings are typically barrages of accusations about things dating back years... and they are typically accompanied by namecalling, cursing, and other nonproductive stuff. It's hardly a "discussion" of feelings and is more like a constant put-down of me and everything about me.
PEW:: well then, why not divorce me LM???? i really need to know the answer to that?
LM: Well, as usual, I'm at work. I've not the time to discuss our personal issues over IM at work. Sorry.
PEW:: i'm really tired of hearing how horrible I am too, you know really tired
LM: I'm sure you are. It's pretty tough to discuss the things I love about you when you are spewing all of this hate towards me.
PEW:: hate?
LM: Ummmm... yes. You've not only used that word specifically on many occasions... the repeated "fucking assholes" from last night weren't terms of endearment the last time I checked.
PEW:: well LM, when someone says...."I really care about you, but we've been pretty miserable together" Can I have a divorce?" and you say NO....for the 10th time....the other person starts to resent it. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. it makes us both feel pretty bad about our lives
---------------

She feels like a prisoner in her own life? Holy crap, woman! She had no idea. None. I no longer have a shred of sympathy for her plight, sad as that may seem, but imagine how terrifying it must be to go through life like the PEW. Imagine that this is your reality. Then shudder.

All I care about is finding ways to mitigate the impact on my children. That's it.

---------------
LM: Don't speak for me.
LM: Please.
PEW:: what?? things were going good though. before we moved
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Read it again, folks. "Things were going good, though. BEFORE WE MOVED." You have got to be friggin' kidding me.

---------------
LM: We've certainly endured some significant low points, particularly recently, but I have lot to feel happy about and a ton to look forward to if we just work together. Yes, I know things were going good, and then I made the mistake of having feelings about certain situations, and despite going with your desires, still got in trouble, and continue to get in trouble over them. Then, I'm called "gay" because I have opinions about how to decorate a house... and a whole host of other things like I should just "shut my mouth" and agree with whatever you want. I didn't cause that to happen.
PEW:: ok, so if I said....I'm the bad guy, would that make a difference?? i'm sorry that I can't seem to accept your personality
LM: No, because I think that those things can be overcome.
PEW:: i'm sorry
LM: Call me a hardhead, but I think that this marriage and our family is worth it.
PEW:: well, I like who I am and I am not about to change for you. sorry. and you are NOT going to change for me
LM: Okay... I have work to do now... so if you've said your peace for the time being... I'd like to get back to it.
PEW:: fine
LM: Thank you.
---------------

God or an angel or something or someone must have been watching over me. I cannot explain to you how I survived all of this.

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Why Our Sons Will Struggle for Discipline & Responsibility

Before the email below was sent to PEW, I looked at DW and told her what I expected the response to be. Sadly, I was correct almost to the letter and it makes me sick.

S1 has, on occasion, been a disciplinary problem at school. He sometimes will lack the self-control to appropriately handle escalating situations which has invariably resulted in physical confrontations. The Psycho Ex-Wife's almost complete inability to discipline the children has led to instilling them with a complete lack of self-discipline, self-awareness, respect for others, and responsibility for their actions while in her care. I hold the children accountable for their actions and a situation like this rarely occurs during my custody period.

When I was relegated to non-custodial parent status, during the school year I was on the every other weekend basic schedule. I did get extra time during breaks, holidays, summer, etc. When these issues came up at school, PEW's brand of discipline was picking up the phone and calling me to do it over the phone. Often, when asked for suggestions on punishment, I would make suggestions which would then be ignored. Very often, S1 didn't get punished at all by PEW and I just wasn't going to be phone-disciplinarian and be set up like so many fathers before me as "the bad guy who was solely responsible for meting out discipline."

I can remember one year, not sure if it was last year or the year before, S1 had been involved in 6 or 7 physical confrontations (1-way or 2-way) in the first 4-months of the school year. It wasn't going to get better and so I intervened. The normal level of discipline for these non-injury physical altercations at school was recess suspension. You lost recess for one day. I had a sit-down with S1 where I explained my near-zero-tolerance policy which would punish any physical altercation except those where there was clear and convincing evidence that he had no choice but to defend himself. I knew the risk associated with that definition would be attempts to make any confrontation one of self-defense, but I simply didn't want to put him in a position to get bullied by others, either. By the way, I should add that S1's size makes him look years beyond his actual age of 9 and probably the biggest child in his age group by a good measure. As I felt that a single day's recess was ineffective at deterring his behavior, I told S1 that from here on out, I was instructing the teachers that the number of recesses that will be suspended for each ensuing altercation would match the number of altercations he's had for the year. Plus, there would also be discipline on the home front. That would mean since we had 6 altercations already at the time, the next one would result in 7-days of recess suspension. The one after that would result in 8-days recess suspension. And so on. Well, his reaction was shock and disbelief and crying - so I knew I had chosen a good one. PEW, when she heard of my plan from S1, promptly called me and freaked out that I was unfair and run a "boot camp" and so on. Ask me how many more physical confrontations S1 was involved in that year? If you guessed ZERO, you would be correct.

During this past summer, when I had full custody - I don't recall there being any physical confrontations at summer camp. Since the entire custody arrangement has since changed to 50/50 year-round - until yesterday - there had been no physical confrontations at school.

Tuesday, during a non-sensical escalation with a peer over a shamrock ring which belongs to S1, he was pushed or punched in the chest. The description he gave me was that while attempting to deflect blows and retreat, he hit the other kid in the face. My conclusion given the other details was that he failed to recognize things were escalating and didn't do a good enough job to avoid it getting physical and would therefore be punished. No yelling. No screaming. No finger wagging. Just a short sit-down discussion about what happened and what the consequences would be.

They would be stiff (for a 9-year old). In this day-and-age, things going on at school will often be dealt with by imposing unusually harsh punishments and my child will not grow up to be a bully like his mother and his Aunt PP if I have anything to do with it. I wonder if the children's experiences in seeing how their mother and aunt deal with situations has any bearing on their responses and reactions? Coincidence? I think not.

So, given that this is a situation that, according to my boundaries, is a matter of enough significance to warrant keeping PEW informed, I relucantly send an email last night which confirms the Easter weekend details (unrelated) and informs her of this situation. Now I know you won't be shocked by the reply, but I still want to make mention that this is the person who you see and will continue to see pontificate about "co-parenting" about which I allegedly have "no clue."

PEW,

For Easter weekend, I will pick them up on Monday morning. Please let me know what time is appropriate.

Today, when I picked up S1 from aftercare, I was informed that there was an "incident" where S1 was involved in a physical altercation with another boy. No one was hurt. S1 was apparently pushed, punched, and/or poked... S1 hit the other boy in the face. All were apparently inconsequential blows.

However, I've been very clear with S1 that there is a zero-tolerance policy regarding physical confrontations at school.

His punishment is a loss of snack for tonight and he will not be attending the scout hike this weekend. If the scout hike is postponed, it will remain the punishment for the rescheduled date. It is my hope that if it happens to be rescheduled during your custody time, you will honor the punishment.

~LM

Readers, feel free to give me some honest feedback. I believe that this is a more than appropriate consequence for the action in question. The email is straightforward, clear, and looks for support and buy-in from PEW. S1 values his time and activities at Cub Scouts greatly. This weekend was a family hike with some specific activities (which can be made up later, I already contacted the Leader) - and now we aren't going. Obviously, fighting with others at school violates the basic tenets of Cub Scouts. S1 was upset, but I explained to him that the punishment needs to be memorable enough for him to really make him think twice before engaging in any fights at school - and that the discipline will only be greater if these actions continue. I could tell he was holding back tears, but it was also clear he understood and even said so, if only to satisfy my desire to see him accept responsibility.

Here is PEW's buy-in:

LM,

Why didn't you have S1 tell me about this on the phone last night? I AM PISSED that you took away the hike of all things. What exactly is he learning by missing a cub scout hike? I think you did that for yourself not him. Cub scouts is a "learning" activity AND the hike an opportunity for physical exersize. Maybe if they HAD anything at your house that they actually enjoy, you WOULD have something worth taking away. You are totally determined to screw these boys up aren't you? Just when I start thinking you might be "OK" you do something like this. It's just never going to be over is it?

I'll be calling aftercare today to find out what happened. And I'll be calling to talk to S1 tonight because I want to hear it from him NOT YOU.

As for S2, why did you send him to school when he's obviously still sick? Are you going to take him to the Doctor?

As for Easter Monday, I'll meet you in the parking lot my work at 8:30.

~PEW

Now, we all know why I didn't discuss it with her on the phone. Further, if she was interested in more than placating his obsession with professional wrestling, which was most of their discussion from what I could hear as I was taking care of cleaning up after dinner, she might have seen fit to ask him about his school day. She didn't. Certainly S1 was unlikely to volunteer that information of his own accord. I contacted her appropriately and did so via email after the children were in bed. I even avoiding suggesting that his reactions to adverse situations may actually be influenced by professional wrestling. He spends so much time watching it and admiring these guys. Look at how they respond to situations. Look at how he reacts. Coincidence? I think not.

You'll notice that she also brings something into the discussion which has no place on the topic covered, something that has been and will be an eternal struggle when discussing anything with PEW. Obviously still sick? Other than a runny nose, he was fine and looked forward to going back to school. Further, how did she come to this conclusion over the phone? Dr. PEW has truly missed her calling with her innate ability to diagnose illnesses from afar.

I didn't respond to her latest angry diatribe. This is just another reason why co-parenting is impossible with a spouse who has a personality disorder of this seriousness. Her obsession with fighting me at every turn on any subject precludes any meaningful co-parenting. It is why I primarily practice parallel parenting. PEW is just completely incapable of seeing any situation more deeply than deflecting blame, keeping the children happy and fond of her no matter the cost, and finding any excuse to escalate a situation that doesn't meet her warped sense of what is fair, real, or appropriate.

In keeping with open communication with teachers, I sent S1's teacher the following warning yesterday morning:

Mrs. S1Teacher,

S1 had an incident at aftercare yesterday. Needless to say, he is unhappy with the consequences for his actions and is in a bit of a sour mood this morning.

I told him that he needs to "shake it off" and be able to concentrate on his work today.

I wanted to "tip you off" in the event there is any problems - you'll know why. Don't hesitate to let me know if he is/was unable to set it aside in order to concentrate on school work or participation today.

Sincerely,
LM

Shortly thereafter, I got a reply.

Hi Mr. LM,

S1 actually already came to me to tell me what happened. I explained to him that whatever his consequences are is your decision. I mentioned to him that same as you that he needs to concentrate on his work today and deal with the decisions that were made. I will let you know how he makes out today.

Thanks for the heads up!

Mrs. S1Teacher

Both the boys' teachers are pretty great, especially this one. I'm certain that S1 is looking for sympathy from anyone for his plight. Eventually, he'll get that from PEW and the mixed messages that he is getting from both of his parents will continue to cross him up. She'll put on that sickening "whiny voice" and tell him that none of this is his fault, dad is a big meanie, and probably promise to buy him several toys in order to place herself high upon the pedestal in her sons' eyes. It will completely undermine me and do absolutely no good for S1.

Carrying on with the latest email barrage after my no-futher-contact position, I get this:

LM,

I am not done with you about this hike thing. S1 needs the hike toward earning his Bear Badge.....everyone else will be earning it and get it at the same time and you are punishing S1 because you don't feel like hiking Saturday, so he'll be the only kid in his Den NOT getting his badge and widdling chip. That is not an appropriate consequence or punishment for what happened at aftercare. Think of something else.

~PEW

This, too, will not receive a reply.

As I've already mentioned, this is not the case. I've contacted the Den Leader to ensure that his earning his badge is not at risk nor his ability to attain his whittling chip. I did so without informing him of why he will not be in attendance. I simply told him "something has come up" and he may not be in attendance in order to find out if these items were in jeopardy. Truth be told, if it was the case, I'd have chosen some other significant event to use as there are several coming up. I can use this Saturday to continue to teach him how his behavior has consequences (good and bad). We can go on a family hike and I can teach him appropriate pocket-knife handling, storage, and usage.

Notice her ongoing disconnect between S1's behavior and how it violates the basic rules & laws of the pack. She just doesn't get it. She never has. She never will. To her, getting the chip & badge is of paramount importance, no matter whose ass S1 has to kick to get them. I didn't ask and don't know, but I'm sure if the den leader found out he was involved in a "fight" at school, his ability to attain these rewards might be in jeopardy whether he went on the hike or not.

Notice that she continues to be completely incapable of even suggesting what she thinks is appropriate disciplinary action. It's always someone else's responsibility. "Think of something else." "I'm not done with you."

Guess what, PEW? You are done with me you because I said so. Unless you come and kidnap the children during my custody time and manage to elude the authorities long enough to take him hiking yourself (which she won't do) - this will be the consequence for his action.

In closing out this post, when I picked up S1 from after-school care, he was in a much better place. He was excitedly telling me about how he made the right decision today. Long-story short, he was faced with another potential physical confrontation on recess. When a "friend" of his desired to have S1 put him in a wrestling move, S1 told him, "Sorry, I don't want to get into any physical confrontations." The kid asked him if he was a wimp before shoving him into a bike rack unexpectedly. He actually has a nice big bruise on his hip. He didn't strike back. He removed himself from the situation even amid apparent chants to "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT" from a gathering crowd. Some witnesses had already moved to report the incident to a teacher and guess who was sent down to the principal's office? Not S1! (Story confirmed.) It all went down just like I told him it would. He was very pleased with himself.

On the walk to the van and the ride home, I repeatedly told him how proud I was of his handling of the situation today. He even said, "Yeah, I was kind of hoping this would mean I could go on the hike this weekend!"

Me: "No, that won't be what it means, but S1, I'm still really proud of the way you handled the situation today, really I am."

S1: "Darn. Okay."

We carried on our discussion a little further and I told him, "S1, one thing you aren't is a wimp. You know you're much bigger than anyone else in your class. The fact is, you could very likely throttle the snot out of anybody who might challenge you. Just because of that, you will be challenged. Avoid it if you can." I went on to explain that the low tolerance of schools nowadays results in kids being kicked out of school for all kinds of seemingly silly reasons. If that was to happen to him, we would all have a lot bigger problems to deal with in terms of finding a place for him to go to school... and so on. I reiterated the "no choice self-defense" exception while clearly explaining what that entails.

Here's hoping a few things:

1 - He remembers the punishment that has been handed down as a deterrent to future problems with physical confrontations at school.

2 - He remembers how things went down today when he didn't retaliate. Him - no trouble. The other kid - trouble. Dad - proud and praising.

3 - PEW doesn't undermine the lessons that seem to be being learned and understood this week.

I expected more PEW harassment by the time bedtime was reached last night, but it didn't materialize. I can only imagine what "I'm not done with you yet on this" means. Here's hoping it's not an emergency hearing to have the judge allow S1 to go on that hike Saturday.

Don't laugh.

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For the 100th Post - It's FANTASY EMAIL!

(LM) S1 has apparently been telling PEW that he is interested in joining football. Tackle football. In keeping with my low-contact boundaries - this was an appropriate reason to contact. Here is what I get:

Hey,

Here's the info on registration. It's this Sat. at School at 9am-2pm, There's tackle ($85.00) and Flag ($55.00). If you decide to do it, I'll just rip this check up that you gave me yesterday and we'll go half on it. I heard what Mr. Teacher said to him and I think Mr. Teacher had a good point, but I think this is a good start for S1. He is VERY intense (he got that from you) haha. I think just being part of a team would help, don't you? I'm sorry I forgot to give you the paperwork. I also have a project for S2 that is due friday. He has to interview and older relative about how life was when they were growing up. He could even interview you or your mom. Can I fax it....I need your # again? It's just a page of questions. As for the football, the league begins after labor day (practice starts August 1) and the league ends around Thanksgiving.

We should let him do it. He needs an outlet for all that energy AND it's physical which is a huge plus for him.let me know.....I didn't do anything with your check yet.

~PEW
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(LM) Intense? DW would tell you that I'm really not generally an "intense" person. Projection. Further, this clearly demonstrates PEW's inability to have any insight into what Mr. Teacher meant. Mr. Teacher knows that S1 handles adversity poorly. He is often a sore loser and a poor sport. He's often a quitter when things aren't going his way. Mr. Teacher knows that S1 tends to take everything personally and communicated that, I thought quite appropriately, during this discussion with S1. In fact, on the ride home after listening to S1 tell me the story, I supported and explained further what Mr. Teacher meant and why. I actually got some measure of understanding and buy-in from S1.

(DW) On the surface, if you didn't know the history, this seems, like others, perfectly normal. If you didn't know that we tried for three years to have her get S1 involved in something other than TV and eating fast food. If you didn't know that we spent ALL of our weekends and summers getting him involved, and dealing with his "intensity", i.e. anger, and here comes MOTY telling us how wonderful it would be for him! It's her idea completely! If you didn't know that she finally got S1 signed up for scouts and then proceeded to do nothing with him for 3-months until we stepped in and helped him to earn his first badge, and of course, didn't sign up S2 as that would be too much for her to accomplish (we did, 3-months late, but thankfully they took him anyway). Ah yes, isn't it great being a PEW? So of course, here is what we REALLY wanted to say:

Dear Delusional PEW,

Take credit for everything much? Of course I recognize that being on a team is good for S1, DW and I have recognized this for years. It's why we are members of the Sports Complex and had him signed up for swim team over the summer. It's why I have asked you repeatedly to sign him up for something during the school year, although you never did, saying my weekends with him were too interruptive, because apparently the other 26 fucking days a month you had him were not enough time for sports. It's also why we signed up S2 for Scouts after you failed to due to your usual attitude of "well he didn't want to". Way to parent, jackass. I'm glad you have finally seen the light.

I also agree with Mr. Teacher, however, I believe his intensity (in other words his anger when he is unable to handle problems) comes from not being able to solve problems civilly, which he certainly gets from you. Please be aware that when S1 throws a temper tantrum on the field because someone has hurt him, or the coach is making him run laps and he doesn't want to, or the other team scores and he becomes a poor sport as usual, YOU will have to stick by him and not allow him to quit the team during your weeks, which he will most assuredly want to do. We know, we've been there. We had to deal with these tantrums during swim team, and unlike your reaction when he played soccer or it was time to play kickball on Father/Son day, we were not embarrassed by his actions, we instead made him take responsibility for how he acted and he had to continue to be part of the team. We certainly hope you can make this happen for football, but please know and remember that we truly believe you will run and hide like the coward you are and tell S1 he can quit. I have $100 bet this happens at the very first practice.

As for school projects, I assure you I am well aware of your intentions to make me seem like a failure in this aspect with repeatedly withholding school projects so the boys cannot possibly complete them on time when they are with me. Let's count the number of times you have done this in the last 4 months, Christmas, 3 times with Scouts, Valentines Day, and almost weekly with homework. Unfortunately this just makes the boys look bad, something you fail to consider when making your devious plans. I hope it will change in the future, but until then I have already been in touch with the teachers and scout leaders to make sure that any projects that are due on my week are given directly to me or I am given copies in case you conveniently "forget" to give them to me, yet again. So you can stop trying to contact me about such issues, as I will not meet you or respond. I do not desire contact with you, now or in the future, please stop with your incesant need to have me near you, it's quite pathetic.

Also, please stop telling our children they have diseases that they have not been diagnosed by a DOCTOR as having. You are NOT a doctor, our children do not have diseases. It is shameful that you would tell them such a thing, and apparently you didn't learn your lesson the last time you pulled this crap when telling my family S2 had "walking pneumonia" and I called the doctor to verify. If you wish to diagnose him, I suggest you go to medical school instead of spending all your time with your pathetic sister. I guess she doesn't have a job again since she can watch the kids during the week? What was it this time? Embezzlment or alcohol again?

~US
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Sometimes it feels good to cut loose, even if it is fantasy email replies. Ironically, the behavioral expert on television just said that "venting" is not an appropriate way to deal with anger - that it perpetuates it and makes it worse.

Time to call a therapist. ;-)

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When Kids Are Sick - Email & Text Barrage

There was a time when the consummate projector, PEW, would claim that every time the children were returned to her, they were sick. This was when I was an non-custodial parent (NCP) and during the school year, I only had them every other weekend typically. Reality was, they were very often entering whatever minor illness from which they suffered when I picked them up, but PEW never let facts get in the way of her penchant for crying "victim."

We're now in a week-on/week-off 50/50 arrangement. My last 4 custody periods - one of the children have been delivered to me suffering from some minor illness. No big deal, really - it's just that time of year. Colds, stomach virus - these are not uncommon ailments. These are ailments that are typically handled at home (for me) with plenty of fluids, fever-reducer, and rest. We have immune systems to handle these common ailments. I'll normally put a call in to the doctor for some advice, describe the symptoms, and they'll tell me to do just that. Not so for PEW, she'll take the kids to the doctor at the first sign of a sniffle, when she's not diagnosing them herself, because you know - she's a lawyer, a doctor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, etc. She knows better than anyone else about everything.

She lets me know over the weekend that S2 is under the weather again. Fever, sneezing, sniffles. I acknowledge it and am prepared to handle it as I have for the last 4 times that they were with me. After last night's exchange, the ride home saw me listen to the children describe Fifth's Disease. Apparently, this is what Dr. PEW has suggested to them. I guess Fifth's Disease sounds way cooler than - a cold.

PEW, in her effort to demonstrate that she is the concerned mother, will incessantly badger me as to their condition. She will make suggestions to me as if I have no idea how to handle a sick child - something I have been doing since they burst forth from the birth canal. It gets annoying and very often, I don't respond to the incessant texts and emails that follow an exhange of sick children. This latest set was particularly laughable and annoying.

In addition to the lesson in Fifth's Disease that I received from the boys, I was also told that Aunt PP stayed overnight again, because "the wind was too scary for her to go home." We have a history that you will learn more about - one that saw great conflict over her in her untreated bipolar state - watching the children on her own. Personally, I don't like her spending any amount of time with them, but it's not something over which I have any say. I can only hope that she didn't sleep in the same bed with one or the other. I wasn't home but a few minutes Sunday night when I get this text:

3/9/2008 @ 6:39PM

"PP said that if you get in a jam and need a sitter for S2, give her a call."

Now, PEW clearly has blocked out the reality which has been that I don't want PP babysitting our children alone ever. Ever. One thing PP can count on is that I will never call her under any circumstances to watch the children.

I don't reply.

Yesterday morning, I'm on my way into work and get this text:

"How is S2 this morning?"

Under normal circumstances, this is probably not an unreasonable question. We don't have normal circumstances. Further, he's got a cold. Give it a rest. You can call anytime in the evenings when we are home and speak to him about how he is feeling and if there is anything of an urgent nature to be communicated, I will certainly communicate them. Always have. Always will.

Anyway, I'm driving to work. I have a meeting when I get there. However, this isn't about S2 at all. It's all about her. It's about her requiring interaction with me. The child isn't in the hospital. He is not bed-ridden. He has a freakin' cold. While in the meeting 40-minutes later I get the following text:

"Why do you have to ignore me? I don't do that to you."

I don't reply for obvious reasons. It's the typical "I've contacted you, stop what you're doing and reply to me RIGHT NOW!"

This is followed an hour later by an email:

LM,

I don't think it's too much to ask for you to let me know how S2 is today? If I have to call the school and say, is S2 in today, because he was sick when I sent him to his father's and I'm worried about him and my ex-husband will not communicate with me (much like I did when S1 was sick) It's going to make you look like you're a total weirdo.

It may seem neurotic to you, but as a mother, I worry constantly about my children. S2 is my baby. AND a close friend of mine just lost her son, so I'm a little more neurotic than usual, so for my peace of mind....and as to NOT let yourself look like a bigger jerk, could you please let me know how he's doing?

PEW

Yet another example of her seriously overblown sense of mothering and infantilizing S2. He has a cold, people. Maybe she fears this cold will lead to death, I'm not sure, but I find the loss of a friend's child, unspeakably tragic as it may be, a bit dramatic a reason for the incessant contact regarding S2's cold.

Interestingly, while tossing out her customary insults and threats - she still manages to portray herself as Mother of the Year and helpless victim.

He has a cold, people.

She can call like any normal person does - after we get home from work. She doesn't do this because I simply give the boys the phone as I have no desire to speak with her unless it's a matter of importance. Of course, that's why she doesn't. She wants to interact with ME. If she were to simply check on the children after work, she can't portray herself as the victim of a non-communicative, meanie ex-husband who doesn't care about her overwhelming care and worry about her "baby" who is suffering from the dreaded, debilitating common cold. She can't imply to the children's teachers that I don't communicate and therefore she is forced to call the school to find out about whether or not S2 will pull out of this dreaded malady. She can't direct me how to care for the long-suffering child. She can't demonize me.

Much like I did the last time she pulled something similar to this, I do reply:

PEW,

He is still sick. Feel free to call this evening.

~LM

Okay. Short. To-the-point. Low-contact. She has her update. Does it stop? Of course not:

LM,

does he still have a fever? this would be the fourth day...maybe you should call the Dr.

~PEW

There it is, the same suggestion she's made every single time. If it isn't "maybe you should take him to the doctor" it's "maybe you should call the doctor." I don't respond. I predicted to DW that I would get no fewer than 3 email replies to my update. Oh, the Fantasy Email Replies that could have come from some of this.

[fantasy email]PEW,

PP's services won't be necessary. DW is an actual real-life mother and knows how to take very good care of the children. She has everything lovingly under control. No worries.

~LM[/fantasy email]

I did get two more emails after that, though they were unrelated to the illness. She did call and talk to S2 and there was more discussion about Fifth's Disease and I said loudly while they were still talking, "S2, you don't have Fifth's Disease" and then laughed.

S2 didn't have a fever all day, was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when I got home from work and will be able to return to school this morning.

People - he had a cold.
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UPDATE 9:40 AM 3/11/2008

After telling her last night that S2 was fever-free and would be going to school, only moments ago I get another text message from PEW:

How is S2? Did he go to school today?

Scary. Stay tuned... I'm sure there is more to come...

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"Things Will Be Different If We Move" - She Lied

Between the last moving discussions and the following discussion, a lot had happened. S2 was born in May. We sold the house, getting within a few grand of our asking price despite PEW's protestations that we were horribly overpriced. We settled in August.

She got what she asked for. We moved. Everything would be different if we just moved, right? Everything was going to be all right. Wouldn't it? In the 3-weeks starting almost from the day we made settlement, it was all the same. Deep down, I probably knew it would be. Oh, and after all that raging debate over where we were moving, we moved exactly 2-miles away, remaining in the same town. Not that I wasn't pleased. It was a nice home on a nice street in a great neighborhood, walking distance to the elementary school, still 5-minutes from work, on a nice piece of ground.

We had 2 dogs and no fence and little spare money post-settlement to have someone do it completely. So, with the help of a few friends, I had the materials delivered. I rented a power-auger. For 3 consecutive weekends from nearly dawn until dusk, I was digging post-holes and installing fencing around the better part of a half-acre. Keep in mind, she wanted the fence because it was too much of a burden to walk the dogs. At the same time, she still wanted them to get their exercise. For me, it was a good idea because I didn't want the youngsters walking off. It took exactly 1 weekend longer than planned. It was a load of work. My friends helped me get the holes dug. I physically installed all of the fencing. I did a great job. I was proud.

When I came in the house after finally finishing and looking for a pat on the back... and I can remember this quite vividly... she was standing at the sink and she was immediately angry. The accolades I received so lovingly were, "Good. I'm glad that's finally fucking finished. I had to take care of the fucking kids all three weekends."

Aside from being a load of bunk, because I was there and took regular breaks to come in and help out, as well as cook dinners, I was also there to help with their baths and getting them ready for bed.

I can't specifically recall who I stayed with, but I think I simply turned on my heels, walked out the front door, and stayed elsewhere for until well into the night. It was either my oldest brother or one of the guys who helped me with the post-hole digging (a lifelong friend). After working my ass off in the hot August heat, I just wasn't going to listen to it.

She stewed a while and then came up with this:


It was September 10th, 2001.

LM: Hey! I just realized that I have school tonight.
PEW: yeah i know
LM: k
PEW: i need to know if you are going to help me out here..... if not i'm going to have to use my 401k
LM: PEW, this is neither the time nor the place to discuss this right now. So I'm begging you to please not ask me about the situation over IM while I'm at work. please.
PEW: i can't file for anything until I move out. it's not like I haven't been asking f