The Step-Parenting Series

We're Step-Parents. A Step-Father. Step-Dad. A Step-Mother. Step-Mom. In keeping with some experiences shared in both directions with many in the community of the world wide web, a major part in this drama would obviously include step-parenting issues. In our particular case, DW and I are each "steps" to one another's pair from our prior marriages. While all step-parenting situations offer their own unique challenges and rewards, some of you will ultimately find ours at or near the top of the "crazy" scale.

We'll introduce a new character here, Poe, to join our cast of characters. Poe is DW's ex-husband. Their post-divorce relationship is the polar opposite of the one I have with The PEW. These two put the children first-and-foremost when the day came to dissolve their marriage. Agreements were centered around the children. Who would stay in the marital home, for how long, and when it would be sold. The two households staying reasonably close to manage the day-to-day "management" of the children. They're often there to "cover" one another when something comes up and the children need to stay with the other for short or long periods of time. It's a classic 50/50 arrangement with seemingly unlimited flexibility for the most part. There was no court war, child support, battle over assets - just a separation and a quiet divorce process when the appropriate time period had passed - and then getting on with their lives.

Even Poe and I have become friends and enjoy the occasional drink and perhaps even a cigar together. Here's a guy who, when things got particularly dicey for me in court, was going to come and testify on my behalf that there is no one (outside of some family and DW, of course) he could think of that he would trust more with his kids than me. Talk about trust. I can think of no higher honor than to be given that level of trust. He also stepped right into the fray when The PEW filed a false child-abuse report with our county CPS (from several states away), mostly because he was angry that his children were now unnecessarily thrust into PEW's chaos and terror - but because the accusations were ludicrous. Fact is, they're great kids, very lovable, smart, engaging and rarely are anything but a joy to be around. With two relatively normal parents, you get two relatively well-adjusted children after divorce.

Had their relationship been half as contentious as the one between me and The PEW - no shot we make it as far as we have. We are blessed in that regard.

Of course, both of our experiences left us with some baggage and me (with my post-relationship PTSD) probably lugging the majority of it. The experiences we had in our respective relationships would suddenly appear from time to time and upset the apple cart. Fortunately, not so much as to cause any crisis, but it does take time to shed those experiences that are so ingrained in you. Sometimes, without thinking, you react as if you were "back there" and before you even realize it, feelings are hurt, something is said, something happens that needs some discussion and make-up time. Hey, the make-up time is worth the occasional half-step backwards.

My kids are a bit more affected by the significant differences in the PEW's personality and mine. Her disciplinary style and mine. He reactions and mine. Her love (or what she believes it to be) and my love. They're comfortable with DW. I can still remember when S2 first met DW. He said nothing. He just popped right up on the couch and gave her a hug for no particular reason. S1 has always been a bit more tentative though both are very comfortable around her. I think that S1 is afraid that if he gets too close to DW he is somehow doing something bad towards his mother. My guess is that after hearing enough garbage-talk about her and I from The PEW and her family, there is probably a little fear that if they speak about DW at all (let alone speak nicely about her) - there will be some backlash. There has, I'm sure of that. It is nice that they will slip about something they did with DW that was fun or exciting during a conversation with The PEW because we know that she feels it like a dagger in her heart. It shouldn't be that way, but after all of the horrible things that we've experienced due to her warped sense of retribution, you take satisfaction wherever you can get it.

I can also remember the first time I met DW's children... after a simple introduction and my desire not to be overly "intrusive" (is the best word I could come up with) - they just went about their business of playing. I did't want to thrust myself into their lives like I was some new plaything. I was going to sit back and let them gravitate towards me on their own. People think meeting your date's parents for the first time is nerve-wracking. Yeah. That's nothing compared to the apprehension you feel when meeting someone's children for the first time - that is, someone with whom you have a growing, serious relationship.

So, in that vein, we'll share our experiences and point-of-view. We'll share some of our own intimate "unfun" moments and some discussions we have saved, too. You can see just how the discussion unfolded as if it was just happening and not after we've processed the experience and put our "spin" on what happened or what was discussed (though you'll get some of that, too). I know that there are step-moms out there sharing regularly. Hopefully, we can drag some of those step-fathers out there into the "fray" to share some experiences both good and not-so-good.

And pretty soon, I'll toss out a "shout-out" post to all of my new step-parenting internet friends and their blogs in a post all their own!

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Your Life Will Be a Living HELL! Do You Get It? 3/2001

Despite all that has happened to this point and which will continue to happen, "we" decided it might be a good time to move. She was pregnant with S2 and I suppose the combination of the real estate market being in a good spot for both buying and selling and 5-years of incessant whining about how this wasn't "her" house, I gave it consideration and we moved ahead.

Still, I am a moron. Nothing has really changed. I never really believed the oft-used manipulation, I promise you, if we move, things will be so much better. I just don't feel like this is my house. There are too many ghosts here. We didn't need to move. The house I had owned prior to our relationship starting was plenty big to accommodate all of us. However, I had been in it for 10-years myself and the market was good for a move. The relationship, however, wasn't. I guess it never was.

I dug deep into the Hell Catalog (pictured in the story linked) to review my notes on the following series of IMversations. They read:

On the 3/15 IM: The first of several times where she harasses me about hour house-hunting situation. Anytime I look at a home outside of her "comfort zone" she freaks out on me. However, she expects me to look at areas outside of my comfort zone, which I do without argument. Of course, she threatens our marriage yet again.

On the 3/23 IM: More house harassment. She accuses me of browbeating her while she is browbeating me, again, about potential moving locations. The fact was that she wanted to move closer to her parents. I did not. I wanted to move someplace with great schools and had great value. All she was concerned with was having a babysitter closer to her. The furthest I had looked at that point was 12-miles away. The situation culminated in "move to where she wanted or she was getting a divorce."

On the 3/28 IM: More house harassment.

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3/15/2001

PEW:: i will look at listings from those areas but I can tell you that I would not like living so far away from everything. i've already done it and I don't like it
LM:: Okay.
PEW:: and i'd like it even less with 2 little kids
LM:: Can I just look at houses from other areas? To compare houses? You've made your point clear... I would like to see what is out there for the sake of comparison.
PEW:: yeah...i included them
LM:: Thanks.
PEW:: fine
LM:: I'm not really fond of the Fville area, but I haven't ruled it out.
PEW:: well let me ask you this....why are you not fond of that area. you've been living in Currenttown for 15 years and it's alot nicer than Currenttown
LM:: Because it is moving in the direction of the City, and I am not fond of moving in that general direction.
PEW:: i figured this would happen
LM:: What part of "I haven't ruled it out" didn't you understand? Are you fishing for an argument or can we look, find out what we like or don't like, and move on from there?
PEW:: well I apologize if my ruling out those areas completely offends you, but I don't want to waste valuable time looking at houses that I know I won't move to....you keep joking about Homestead and you even went so far as to tell V that I wanted to know if we could sublet from him.....YOU are the one that isn't understanding
LM:: It doesn't completely offend me. And if you can't understand that I was making a joke with V about subletting... which he can't do... well, I can't help you. But I won't sit here and debate with you about that. If you want to make an issue out of a comment I made to V which has nothing to do with anything... you'll be arguing with yourself. Also, don't sit there and tell me what you "won't do" and then get pissed when I tell you about the areas that I am "less than fond of, but won't rule out."
LM:: At least you are getting some consideration - I'm not.
PEW:: I'm just being honest.....but I know my happiness is secondary to yours, so I'll look at any listings that he sends
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I see. After the incessant badgering to sell the house and move, which started only shortly after she moved-in with me, it's a good time to do that and her happiness is secondary to mine. Projection. Entitlement. Truth be told, if it was up to me, I wouldn't have moved from that house. There was plenty of room to expand and had a massive garage, living room, recreational room, formal dining room, kitchen, 4/5 bedrooms... it was nice, oversized Cape Cod. If I was a selfish bastard, I'd STILL be living there!

Also, keep in mind as you read this that the house has been on the market less than two-weeks and the rages are already starting.
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LM:: Yes... we're moving because your happiness is secondary to mine. What a joke. Thanks for kicking this off in a miserable way for no good reason. I appreciate it. You tell me "NO." I tell you I am giving areas that you like, but I am not particularly fond of "consideration..." and I am the mean one. Nice. I've sent you links to Dtown and Indyland as things to check out. Nothing in Bminster. Nothing in Anyborough. Nothing in Homesteadville, Rsville or anywhere else where you "won't move to." So my actions demonstrate that I am following yet another one of your edicts. And you are still acting cranky. If you have nothing else positive to add, I'll just log off now until I know you aren't going to badger me any more. Okay?
PEW:: i'm not badgering you, and if you don't like my "so called edict" you can take your half and i'll take my half and we'll each buy a house where we want......is that BETTER?
LM:: Knock it off, PEW. I say I am partial to gas heat. You say "I don't want to limit ourselves to gas heat." I say "Okay." You say, "I aint moving there." I say "Okay." I say... "I want to see some homes in those areas for comparison's sake" You go berzerk and start questioning the marriage again. Thanks, PEW. Thanks a lot.
PEW:: good bye
LM:: Bye.
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Well, at least I managed to get out of that one quickly, despite my best unconscious efforts to say things that will keep it going.
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3/23/2001

PEW:: i have an appt at 3:30
LM:: And? You need coverage?
PEW:: no my sister is coming back. i am just letting you know
LM:: Oh... okay... I remembered.
PEW:: ok. i'd like to put further discussions about our location on hold until or next session....i'm really not in the mood to be brow beat
LM:: Awww. I wasn't meaning to brow beat. I resent the implication that I was doing so. I know it isn't an easy thing to discuss. Why is explaining my position "browbeating" but you explaining your position isn't? Do you even know what "browbeating" means?
PEW:: well before we even listed the house....you drove by a house in Tratown and loved it......now all of the sudden you are fixated on this house in Pieville. yes....i know what browbeating means and I've been brow beaten by you b4. this house may not be available when we sell......it may not be in our price range
LM:: I'm not. I was using it as an example.
PEW:: and when you say that Piesville is only 12 miles away.....I can easily say that Bedlem is only 4 miles away. and Tratown is only 3 miles away
LM:: I drove by the house in Tratown... it was a lovely house, in a nice neighborhood... a stone's throw from an area that I dislike.
PEW:: and Hollyville and Rboro are 3 & 4 miles away. Stonehampton is one mile away. so we wouldn't be moving farther away from your family
LM:: As I've said before... I'm not against moving to most of those areas for the right home. Unlike you, I've discounted little, with exception of Ltown, and now Bedlem. I'm not strong-arming you into anything.
PEW:: well based on what you said today....we might as well take the house off the market
LM:: I'm asking you to consider something more than babysitting and night's out and proximity to parents... and consider schools... value... beauty... the type of home we can get for the money... etc. Pieville AS AN EXAMPLE... is 12 miles away... and despite your claims to the contrary... is not on the other end of the earth from anybody. Also... assuming we had a shot in hell to get something like that in that area... I am, in FACT, sacrificing my proximity to the very same things in the interest of long-term goals, needs, desires for my family. You speak as if in doing so... I sacrifice nothing and have no regard to you. And that simply isn't true. Then you start with the "browbeat" and other combative words. No fair. It's another classic case you eliminating the overwhelming majority of opportunities... and turning it around as if I am the one doing it. You pigeonhole us in one direction.
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This was a common occurrence but always fascinating. The "me, me, me, everything is about me" view of everything. My concerns are benefits to my household. My family. My wife, my kids, myself. I'm TRYING to plan smartly. There is nothing she is allegedly sacrificing (aside from her incessant whining about her happiness being the top consideration in all of this) that I'm not sacrificing, too! Proximity to family being one, proximity to workplace being two.

The reality, I'll later discover, is that she really has a tough time figuring out how to parent and/or interact with the children on her own. Without being able to pack them up and go to someone else's house as a means to not have to interact with the children one-on-one for any appreciable amount of time, she was fearful of being further away from her "co-parents" - various family members and friends. To this day, she always has her neighbor over, her sister over, her parents over (or she is elsewhere). She has repeatedly shown and even stated that she "just can't handle" the kids on her own for long periods of time. Deep-down, if it was up to her, I think she would have been happy to move into her parents' basement.
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PEW:: well it is brow beating because I've explained to you in no uncertain terms that living in that location would make me unhappy .....yet you continue to persue it
LM:: But I'M the inflexible one.
PEW:: i'm not pigionholing us....
LM:: And I've explained to you that living in the locations that you are choosing will make ME unhappy. Now what?
PEW:: i'm willing to go to.....Currenttown, Stonehampton, Hollyville, Rboro, Ltown Bedlem, Midtown, Oldtown, etc...etc...
LM:: Then Currenttown it is.
PEW:: well...please tell me why living in those areas would make you unhappy
LM:: You've eliminated EVERY place that has ANY desire to me. So... we might as well not move.
PEW:: no....we might as well separate, because I'm moving from this house I've hated this house since the day I signed my life away to it
LM:: And... instead of working with me to do that idea... you've decided to argue about it.
PEW:: when do I get a chance to live where I want
LM:: Thanks. Make sure you remember that for next session.
PEW:: no you decided to argue
LM:: I don't want to see you somehow make this out as me. Oh, I see you are already doing so.
PEW:: tell me what makes you so unhappy about living in the areas I mentioned
LM:: Nope. Not in this context. I'll do it my likes and dislikes on paper.
PEW:: why
LM:: I will not "argue" with you about it.
PEW:: because you can't think of anything
LM:: So, is there something else you wish to discuss at this point? Bedlem SUCKS Ltown SUCKS. I hate those areas. We might as well move to into the City. I don't want to move towards the City.
PEW:: you are being immature
LM:: Those are not areas that are increasing in value. Those are not areas where I want my children to live.
PEW:: you are being self-centered
LM:: No, I'm not. I am answering your question. I don't want to spend 200G on a house that we will only be able to sell for 200G 10 years from now.
PEW:: I've sacrificed the past six years of my life to live in a house that has given me nothing but unhappiness
LM:: The object is buy something that will benefit us down the road. Enough. I'm logging off unless you change the subject. I wanted to discuss areas likes and dislikes using a nice method. You choose not to. YOUR fault. Not mine. Anything else?
PEW:: I don't want to discuss moving in that direction at all unless it is in counseling
LM:: Yeah... sure... as if the counselor will help us make the decision.
PEW:: and because I say that....you say....we'll be moving into another house in Currenttown....just to be mean
LM:: No I'm not. You've cut out all of the areas that are of particular interest to me. I did not do that to you... that is... until you just gave me the above list.
PEW:: no...that's not true
LM:: So... that leaves Currenttown. Yes it is true. You simply saying it "isn't" doesn't make it so.
PEW:: well how come you were looking in the Tratown/Fville area b4
LM:: You've bookmarked nothing West of New Road.
PEW:: and the last time our house was for sale we looked in Stonehampton, Rboro, Hollyville, Chuville
LM:: My bookmarks continue to consist of Fville, Chuville, Oldtown, Oldtown Boro, and Upper Stonehampton. In addition to the other areas I like. You haven't done the same, because you flat REFUSE to consider anywhere that is one foot further from your parents. Period. Last time when we looked... we looked at homes that, at that time... had great potential to increase in value... well... THEY HAVE.
PEW:: well considering the fact that....3 months ago we were on the verge of divorcing forever.....I WILL NOT put myself further away from the people that love me and that I love.....YOU say that you want to work things out and stay married to me...yet you will go on and on about this regardless of my feelings....this is one of the reasons I think that you are not the person that you present yourself to be
LM:: And you continue to be grossly histrionic about what amounts to, at most, in a worst-case scenario - to be 12 miles. WORST CASE! 12 miles. I am tired of you using our marriage as leverage to get your way.
PEW:: what about you.....my preferences are less than 5 miles
LM:: It is mean. It is unconscionable.
PEW:: i'm not using our marriage as leverage
LM:: When you say things like.... "you don't care about our marriage and my happiness...:"
PEW:: our marriage is and has been in trouble for quite some time and you KNOW it
LM:: You are.
PEW:: I AM NOT I'm giving you the facts
LM:: This is a prime example. YOU say that you want to work things out and stay married to me...yet you will go on and on about this regardless of my feelings. You just wrote that.
PEW:: no this is not
LM:: That says... "if you had regard for our marriage... and my feeliings..." then I wouldn't "pursue it." Meaning... I wouldn't continue to look around those areas.
PEW:: right because moving me further from here is going to be detremental to our marriage ....FACT
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I'm betting right now that you're exasperated as I always was at her breaks from reality, even though the evidence of what she's doing and saying is right there in front of her. I am not using our marriage as leverage! Am, too. Wait, I am not. Am, too. I didn't say that our marriage is in jeopardy, but I'm telling you right now, if you do this, our marriage is in jeopardy! I did not just say that! I can almost see the inner child covering her ears, closing her eyes, and stomping her feet as she twirls in a circle. Can you? But I still keep on explaining...
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LM:: That's what it means, though I am sure you are thinking of a way to back out of that being exactly as written. That is using our marital situation against me. If I told you that moving one foot closer to THE CITY is detrimental to our marriage, what would you say to that?
PEW:: no...i'm telling it like it is....you have to decide what risks you are willing to take
LM:: EXACTLY!
PEW:: i'd say bull
LM:: If I don't do as you say... our marriage is over. As you usually do. When I say I would be unhappy... you say, "I don't care." YOUR happiness is of paramount importance. I say, I understand your sentiment, but please consider... A, B, and C... and you don't. When faced with other considerations that are of importance... you don't care... and you threaten me with the marriage. That's not fair.
PEW:: I do consider it and the risks outweigh the positives for me
LM:: I think you are lying.
PEW:: i'm not threatening our marriage....you threatened it. no i am not lying
LM:: No, you threaten by saying, "If you don't move as I tell you, our marriage is in jeapardy." That's practically blackmail.
PEW:: our marriage is in jeapardy either way. it has been in jeapardy for some time now....please. it's no joke
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YES YOU DID!!! NO I DIDN'T - YOU DID! DID TOO! DID NOT!!! DID TOO! DID NOT!!! My God, how pathetic this looks. If you don't think I'm embarrassed by all of this, which would include my behavior, you would be mistaken. It's pathetic.
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LM:: Funny... that isn't what you said when we left the counselor's office today. Or did you already forget saying, "I don't feel like I did then anymore."
PEW:: WHAT?!
LM:: But now... because it isn't "PEW's way" again, you threaten "the highway." Typical. Typical tack that you take.
PEW:: I don't feel angry at you like I did when I originally sought counselling
LM:: You aren't fair at all.
PEW:: I used the word "hate" when we were in the office...remember
LM:: Yes. I do.
PEW:: I don't hate you like I did back then
LM:: I understand.
PEW:: ok
LM:: But I won't stand for this, "if we don't move to where I want, regardless of what you want, our marriage is over."
PEW:: even if we did wind up splitting...I wouldn't hate you because I know that we gave it our best shot
LM:: I'll call the realtor today and pull it right off the market.
PEW:: NO YOU WON'T
LM:: I don't want to hear the "state of our marriage" hinging on our choice of locale again. Otherwise, I will.
PEW:: i'll sell...take my half and move in with my parents. that's what will happen. bullshit
LM:: Funny... and you told me that I was the one doing the browbeating. That is the REALLY funny part of this whole exchange.
PEW:: no you don't dictate to me when the house goes on or comes off the market
LM:: Watch me. It takes to to sell it. It takes one not to.
PEW:: I wouldn't try it if I were you
LM:: The only condition that I have is that I don't want to hear you say that our "marriage is threatened" if I don't move where you say. Otherwise, we can continue to work it out.
PEW:: I never said that
LM:: Re-read the crap you wrote above. That is exactly what you are saying. “YOU say that you want to work things out and stay married to me...yet you will go on and on about this regardless of my feelings"
PEW:: here is what I say.....IT WOULD NOT BE ADVISABLE FOR OUR MARRIAGE TO MOVE IN THAT DIRECTION"'
LM:: I didn't "misinterpret" the meaning of that quote. That is threatening our marriage. YOU are doing that. I'm not.
PEW:: let me put it another way.... if we stay in this vicinity or move closer to my family...I'll be happier, we'll get out more because we'll be closer to them, our marriage would benefit from that......the happier I am...the happier the whole family will be.... I move northward....I will become depressed, lonely, and our relationship and our children will likely suffer. why do you not believe this??? do you think i'm making up stories
LM:: Because you are saying this as if it is a foregone conclusion. You say you will be "lonely."
PEW:: it is a fact
LM:: No, it is an excuse.
PEW:: i will be. i am a people person. i have to go
LM:: You are putting up walls that don't exist.
PEW:: they do exist
LM:: You can drive to your friends just as easily as you do now.
PEW:: i lived up there before
LM:: But it may take 20 minutes instead of 10.
PEW:: i don't like to drive. no
LM:: PEW, Pieville is not Rsville. Far from it.
PEW:: it is too far
LM:: Okay.
LM:: Is Dtown too far?
LM:: Is Warville too far?
PEW:: if we sell our house...and we've looked at the prospects down this way and we can't find anything....
PEW:: I would consider Warville
LM:: So again... it's your way or no way at all, right? Instead of looking for a house that we love somewhere... and then deciding that the locale is simply unacceptable... we'll just look where you want until you say it's enough, and then I will get some measure of consideration. That is what this means.
PEW:: I know that the locale is simply unacceptable to me...why do I have to waste, my time, your time, and a realtor's time
LM:: I ask you again... why, if I say the same thing as you about the places that you pick... am I the evil spawn of Satan... but when you say it, I should care like it was gospel? Yet...
PEW:: this is one of the personality traits I hate about you
LM:: You say that I am the one who "doesn't care?" It's a simple question?
PEW:: we've lived in the location of YOUR choice for the past 6 years
LM:: You never recognize that you are the worst user of the things that you consistently accuse me of.
PEW:: it's the same as the whole baby name bullshit. you can NEVER EVER be wrong
LM:: Name him what you want.
PEW:: i'm sick of it
LM:: This isn't ABOUT BEING WRONG!!! This is about consideration for ONE ANOTHER'S feelings. Not just yours.
PEW:: you are wrong if you think it would be fun for us to live in Pieville
LM:: You want me to JUST consider yours, while you have ZERO regard for anything I have said.
PEW:: your life would be a living HELL
LM:: Not one.
PEW:: get it do you get it… HELLLLLLLLLLLLL
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In the inimitable words of Homer Simpson, "Can you feeeeeeeel the looooooove?"
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3/28/2001

LM:: HI!
PEW:: hi
LM:: How you?
PEW:: miserable
LM:: Tired?
PEW:: do you have off from school on April 12th
LM:: I don't know.
LM:: I know that there is a "Spring Break" coming up.
LM:: Could be that week.
LM:: Why?
PEW:: ok, i don't need to know this instant anyway...TG invited me for dinner over at her house
LM:: I think my bag is in the car. Just remind me when I come home and I will check the schedule.
PEW:: ok. so what happens if we take the house off the market right now
LM:: Why would you want to do that?
PEW:: because #1...I don't feel like dealing with the shit I have to put up with from you about the painting....#2 I don't feel like arguing any further about where we are moving to.....#3
LM:: #1 - I won't give you any shit, if you stop telling me what I need to do. One way or the other, I will take care of it. No problem. #2 - We won't argue about where we are moving to.
PEW:: we won't??
LM:: We just need to look at homes, find one, then decide whether or not the location is feasible. I won't discount anything reasonable in the East direction, if you don't discount anything reasonble in the West direction. That isn't asking too much.
PEW:: well what is reasonable in the West direction....to you? anyway that's not all....#3 is....we weren't getting along b4 we listed the house and this isn't helping
LM:: I dunno.
PEW:: make no mistake....I hate this house and I want to move from here.....but maybe this isn't the time
LM:: Well, I'm certain that IM isn't the place to decide.
PEW:: no place is appropriate to decide....but we are always at odds about something and I'm tired of it.... I"m tired of having NO sex life, NO intimacy, we can't even stand each other....what are we thinking
LM:: Well, PEW, if you'd simply be a *little* more open-minded about things, there would be less stressing-out over it.
PEW:: why would we move at a time like this and I certainly wouldn't move West at a time like this it's foolish
LM:: We have no sex life because you have, on more than one occasion, used the word "fear" to describe why you don't want to. As for intimacy... I've been giving you head-rubs. I give you lots of hugs and kisses.
PEW:: even b4 I got pregnant it wasn't great......you have not been giving me head rubs
LM:: And squeezes.
PEW:: PLEASE??!?
LM:: Okay... I see its fight-time. I haven't the time for this at work, as usual. So I think we should just stop now. If you want to take the house off of the market... you call the realtor and make it so. Whatever you want.
PEW:: no problem
LM:: Okay. Thanks.
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She didn't. I should have. I didn't. I still am not doing a consistently good job of de-escalating situations. I'll slowly, but steadily, improve over the years. Again, these are just documented events. Imagine how many phone arguments and face-to-face arguments filled in the gaps between these documented disasters?

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Follow-Up To No-Contact/Low-Contact Post

Several readers have sent email after reading Appropriate Means of Contact With High-Conflict Personalities and the following was a great question:

Dear LM and DW,

I found your site today, and I am so grateful!

I think that establishing a low-contact relationship would be the best thing for me with my ex-husband. I am sick and tired of getting e-mails & voice mails which cause me to go on the defense about my life and parenting skills, and I'm suffering due to this as well. I could write a blog in itself about Inappropriately Replying to E-Mails, unfortunately. I definitely feel your pain!

Enough about my problems, though. Here is my question, and I've been unable to find this on the site. When you instituted your ultra-low/low-contact relationship with PEW, did you officially tell her or just start doing it? If you could fill me in or direct me to where on the site this is talked about, I would REALLY appreciate it.

Thanks a ton. I will be forwarding a link to your site to all of the divorced parents I know.

~LC

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LC,

I sense a little fear or apprehension as you consider moving towards low-contact. That's to be expected simply because you've been "reacting" for so long that you've been trained to respond that way. I struggle to this day with it and still occasionally make mistakes. It takes practice not to get caught up in the emotional response.

Answering your question - I let her know. Further, given my mad organizational skills - I knew exactly where to find the email I sent her on the very topic from April of last year. Here you go:

PEW,

I will once again ask for you to cease all of your abusive communications with me via email, phone, or any other medium.

You only should need to contact me with critical issues relevant to the children, and that you can do by phone. That would include things like they are hurt, in the hospital, something serious happened with regard to school, or some other serious trouble. The only exceptions to that requirement are governed by court-orders (vacation notice, changes in scheduling in keeping with the order, changes in pickup/dropoff location & times, etc.), or any situation where you choose not to comply with a court order.

If the children have a party or some other activity of interest that may conflict with custody arrangements, they have the capability of asking, you don't need to. No calls about weather reports, no calls asking for directions, no allegedly idle chit-chat. No contact regarding legal matters.

I will take care of the children when they are with me and you will take care of the children when they are with you.

This is a necessary step due to your inability to maintain any semblance of self-control, certainly via email, but as we've experienced - with just about any medium.

Contact in keeping with these appropriate arrangements should be made by phone and be devoid of any abusive, harrassing, or combative language. In keeping with the agreement(s), any changes that require approval by both parties in writing can be done after the situation is discussed on the phone.

Thank you,
LM

There you have it. Use it if you want with appropriate modifications to suit your specific circumstances. Since then, we've gone from phone to email primarily, but the rules are still the same. I reply to nothing that is outside of the scope of my boundaries. Neither should you. All phone calls from her number, unless I'm expecting a call from the children while they are with her - I let go to voice mail first to avoid getting caught up in something I don't want to be.

Do re-check that article and click on the blue text to the full article from BPDFamily (click on the doctor's name) - it's more in depth.

Wishing you the best.

~LM

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I'm adding this on 2/22/08. I was posed this question at another blog and I thought it was great because it's a part of the equation I hadn't considered.

The topic was how the children react when Dad enforces his appropriate communication boundary of hanging up the phone on his PEW when the barrage of hate-spew viciousness comes through the phone at him. When the kids finally get their chance to "talk" to Dad, the same situation ensues and they freak-out on him for "hanging up on poor, dear, PEW."

Despite all the explanations in the world to his children... he ends up looking like the bad guy. And, as you can imagine, basically gets engaged in the same type of angry and frustrating conversations with his kids that he is trying to avoid with the ex. Any suggestions, Mister M?

I sure do! The same thing.

I work very hard to teach my children that they can be angry at me, mad about something, and be able to communicate that with me without being in complete freak-out mode.

It works. They can turn it off like someone threw a switch.

Yes, you bet your behind it's tough, especially when a kid is 3, 4, 5 years old. But you do it.

On the phone, "Child, the issue is between your mother and I. When mom talks to me inappropriately, I have to protect myself. I will do the same with you, so if you cannot get yourself under control and talk to me in a normal tone of voice, I will hang up the phone."

I will NOT argue with my children. I will have discussions with my children. Ever since they were young, I would simply pretend not to hear them until they "talk to me with your normal voice, otherwise, I can't understand what you're saying."

If they're older, they'll understand the same thing in a more grown-up way. You talk to me like that you'll get the same treatment. I will hang up the phone until you can talk to me as appropriately as I will talk to you.

Don't be afraid to explain to them without DEMONZING momster that she is being rude and disrespectful and it will not be tolerated.

I can't think of a single time where a mutual freak-out session ever accomplished anything productive. Stopping it accomplishes one of two things:

1 - The communicating parties settle down and talk to each other normally, hopefully accomplishing something.

2 - You shield yourself from the abusive behavior by SLAMMING THE PHONE DOWN IN PEW'S EAR WITH EMPHASIS while sitting back in your chair and relaxing in the knowledge that there were probably a few seconds, hopefully longer, where she was yelling like a frigging maniac at nothing... and then you laugh.

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So Exciting! Our First Hate Mail! Woohoo!

Frankly, we're shocked it's taken so long. We welcome feedback of all kinds, including contrarian points of view. Allow me to preface this post by letting you know that there is something very humorous in the fact that the writer of this letter has the words "Crazy" and "Mom" in her email address. I kid you not.

For the FEEDBACK FORUM - Emma wrote:

I can not believe the load of crap you and your "DW" spew on this website. Your willingness to accept no responsibility for either the failure of your first marriage or the complete destruction of your second shows the maturity level you are operating on.

I went to your website hoping to find an actual sane site written by a divorced dad. Admittedly, your site is VERY entertaining, but to actually sell this garbage as helpful is both scary and wrong. I sincerely hope that the help you need is not long in coming, as your sons are sure to suffer if you continue on this road of non-accountability.

It takes two to ruin any relationship. The irony of you blaming your ex for never taking responsibility for her actions, all the while refusing to accept yours, will be the demise of the relationships you proclaim to wish to foster. And that is truly sad.

On a positive note, your behavior makes me realize how much worse I could have it with my ex. Thank you for that!

Yes, it always takes two to ruin a relationship. Spoken like someone who is unwilling to accept the reality that there are varying degrees of responsibility. I'm willing to bet that Emma's definition of a "sane divorced dad's website" is one that is full of remorse and tales of fault and self-blame for everything that went wrong.

Emma first posted a brilliant reply to the PEW Continues to Harrass About New Year's post before following-up with the above email. Emma, I'm not sure what blog you're reading, but I've certainly taken a share of responsibility for the decisions I've made along the way in both marriages. I didn't post many details regarding my first marriage because that marriage really isn't relevant to my current situation. However, I'll leave it up to Emma's processing to determine how much responsibility I need to take for Wife 1's infidelity and ongoing drug abuse.

I'm sure her response will be one I've encountered often as I've traveled around the internet. If a man cheats, it's the man's fault. He's a pig. He's a cad. He's disrespectful of vows. Blah, blah, blah... If a woman cheats, it's the man's fault. Of course, women aren't pigs or cads. Women cheat because of "emotional reasons" and because "something is missing in the marriage" and similar bunk. Some women, not all, always seem to have an excuse or justification for their wrong-doing when it comes to anything bad a woman does:

- Murder of a spouse or significant other: I was abused. Sometimes, even when there is no evidence of such a claim.

- Child-Abuse, Neglect, Child-Murder: I was mentally-ill and couldn't cope.

- Infidelity: I had emotional needs that weren't being met by my husband.

- Substance-Abuse: I'm unhappy at home.

Sadly, the penalties that women pay for like-crimes are far less significant than those for men. That's the price society has paid for subscribing to the excuse-making & justification and it's only getting worse.

The bottom-line is this, Emma obviously doesn't read the blog closely enough because I've posted a great many mistakes I've made along the way. I've posted many times about how I inappropriately handled situations and contributed to escalations of confrontations. My biggest mistake - choosing to marry PEW despite the many red-flags that were clearly there before I made that decision. It was a choice that I made and no one else. I believe Emma just can't fathom that a woman could be so vicious without some "evil-man" causing her to be so (mental illness or not) and so she felt compelled to drop me a line to tell me how awful I am. I'm thrilled that my "behavior" allows you to reflect on how lucky you are with your ex-husband.

I guess if there is one positive to be had from her feedback - she found us entertaining!

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Appropriate Means of Contact With High-Conflict Personalities

As this blog has laid out the harsh realities of my existence with the PEW (historical and current), we've provided examples of inappropriate contact and discussions. We've also provided examples of appropriate contact (and no-contact). The former was a historical perspective. The latter is a current perspective. While these methods are often discussed for interaction with an (ex)-partner suffering from borderline personality disorder, I strongly believe these to be effective for any high-conflict relationship that is ending or has ended.

You'll often see me refer to tactics such as no-contact, low-contact, or "ultra-low" contact. Depending upon one's specific circumstances, one or more may apply. The typical circumstances, such as if there are children involved (or not) or a workplace relationship, would be the most common when determining what is the appropriate method to use.

Many people in similar predicaments, not knowing what they are dealing until it's too late, find themselves spinning their wheels over and over and over again. That was me. It's especially likely when you're embroiled with someone suffering from a personality disorder because the accusations, perceptions, and confrontations will leave you questioning your own sanity over the long-term. I would habitually and vigorously defend my position as if there was a shred of a chance that reason and logic, if explained, would take hold. It never did. I never stopped trying despite having a 0% success rate over the course of nearly a decade. I've given countless examples of these wasted efforts and even have two glaring posts: How to Appropriately Respond and How to Inappropriately Respond to emails for instance.

If you are ending a relationship with no children and no other circumstances tying the two of you together, true no-contact may be a realistic option. The emotional side of us, both men and women, oftentimes has an urge for the latest buzzword - "closure." Realistically, sometimes the closure that is most appropriate is cutting off all contact. Too often, we want an explanation. We want to say our peace. We want the last word. We want an apology or to apologize. However, when it comes right down to it, the closure we truly need is to simply be done with it with a minimal amount of interaction. I'm a proponent of seeking therapy to regain your sense of self. Counseling can help you to do a post-mortem on the relationship. Discover the mistakes that you made during the course of the relationship with a goal of not repeating them again in the future. Be true to yourself. You need not hide behind your own caring personality to just "check-up" on the ex to "make sure they're doing okay." Further, you owe your ex no explanation of how you're doing if and when that email comes, under the guise of their sudden care. Remaining in contact for any reason only fans the dimming embers of a fire that, for all intents and purposes, should be left to burn out. Email addresses should be blocked and deleted. Phone numbers should be blocked and deleted. Any means of contact with an ex-partner should be mitigated or eliminated entirely. It's time to move on.

When there are children involved and a custody arrangement of any sort - you cannot truly go no-contact. One must fall back to low-contact.

In my specific case, this means limiting contact. Due to our court order and my experiences with PEW's excessive litigation - my boundary has been that I will only discuss matters pertaining to the children and only if these matters are of importance. I won't engage in idle chit-chat about the children. The high-conflict nature of our interactions prevents any non-essential contact. Her borderline personality and my past failures in appropriately handling situations means engaging in any more communication other than the bare minimum leaves me susceptible to further rages or doing/saying something that will be twisted and somehow used against me. You've seen this in the countless examples I've posted. On the rare occasions where we are attending something at the same time involving the children, we stay clear of one another and greetings are a courtesy and friendly "hello."

Sadly and smartly, you must treat every contact you have with your high-conflict, and probably overly litigious ex-partner with the mindset that "anything you say/write can and will be used against you in court." How to accomplish this?

- Avoid being defensive at all costs.

- Avoid escalating the situation by arguing and explaining.

- Avoid the engagement. I often refer to arguing with a borderline as giving them the drug that they need. It's as addictive as heroin. The moment that they knock you off of your game and get you caught up in the chaos, they've gotten their fix.

- Anything you put in writing should be short and to the point. No wasted words. A BPD will often go on these long-winded diatribes, full of expletives and offensive remarks sprinkled amongst information to which you should respond. Ignore the rage and address the issues which meet your criteria as if nothing else existed in the communication.

- Bulleted points, in my experience, are the best way to "trim the fat" off your response. Professional, courteous, almost machine-like is the order of the day. If a question requires a yes or no answer, answer yes or no - without explanation. For example, "Can you drop the children off a day early so that we can go visit my parents?" Answer: "No." Avoid the urge to explain why. They're not entitled to an explanation despite your desire to explain yourself.

- Phone contact should be avoided except in cases of emergency. Normal phone calls to the children should be answered by the children. The children can hang up the phone at the end of the call. That phone call is for them, even if it's difficult for you, and should be treated as such. It eliminates the ex's ability to engage you.

- All email communication should be saved. When you send an email, always copy it to yourself and file it. You never know when you may need these later to prove or disprove something.

- Should phone contact occur, either by requirement or by "accident" - nothing is more empowering that hanging up on the ex-partner if they violate the boundaries you have set. It's not meant to be used as a weapon. It's not meant to be used in an effort to be rude. It's for your protection and your self-preservation. In my specific case, my rules are simple and have been communicated. If she uses foul language or her volume escalates - I will hang up the phone. If she tries to go on a tangent and speak to something not germane to the issue at hand, I will hang up the phone. I've done it. It works. In the early days, I sometimes had to do this several times in a row. Ultimately, she will talk t