Advice: GB writes - "Courts Don't Care About How Men Feel"

We were only married for three years. She determined, somehow, that she wanted to commit adultery. Well, that was the end because I took our vows seriously. She committed one of the three A's that I feel are terms for divorce: adultery, abuse, and alcoholism.

Well, for me it was the start of a nightmare or a 15-year stint in hell. See, we had a son together. She, of course, had "residential custody". [She] received child support and received permission to make my life miserable. Well, first off it didn't occur to her that I just lost my son. She only saw that now she could be [with] her new beau. So, she promptly moved in with him. Mind you, I do see my son regularly. I get a phone call one evening, "he’s going to hurt me, please help." Well, off I go, more to protect my son not her. Well, after a week he's gone.

So, she moves on only to find out she has a new man. Guess that's why the last one was upset. Well, she moves in with the new one taking my son with her. Well, at this point I investigated whether or not I could get custody of my son. Yep, you guessed it, the courts would hear nothing of it. Well, she was with this one for two-years and again here comes the phone call. We need help. Man, what's the woman doing, I think, and of course, because it’s my son, I help. Stupid or not? Well, things now are changing. She is becoming greedy. You’ll see as I go on.

Well, not three-months later - a new man. Yep, she moves-in within a week. I suggest to her that she should wait, man, I'll never say that again. "You don't give me enough money to live by ourselves" was her answer. I was incredulous. Why do say to that? Your son standing right there. Well, this man doesn't last too long with her, either. Two-years. Yep, you guessed it - a phone call. Need help. Well, I'm no sucker, I thought, you're going to have to do this one on your own. Okay, your son will stay at my mother's while I do this. If you saw her mother's house, you would understand. Yep, off I go.

Well, it seemed things where going in the right direction - she got an apartment. A guy moved in with her. I think this one lasted six-months. Man, I'm getting beside myself, [but] what the hell can I do? I contact a lawyer [and] lay down the story I've told you thus far.

I get, "Well, the courts are not going look kindly on her but they will not give you custody of your child." Man, imagine how that makes a man feel. Oh, women and the courts don't care about how men feel.

A little about me: I'm by no means perfect, but far better than her. There are many details I've left out to shorten the story on her side. I'll only say she is very materialistic. Me, I'm simple I can live simply. Anyhow, I lost a couple jobs during this time and got behind on child support, but I did make and am making up the payments that I missed. I've never remarried. Not to say I haven't had relationships, but never moved in or had them live with me.

Perhaps that is why I never remarried. Or maybe it was the amount of child support I have to pay based on my salary. Trust me when I say I got nailed hard. By anyone else’s standard you wouldn't believe it. So, at every turn, I mean every turn, weekly, my son had a problem she needed money for. A stuffy nose here, therapy there, you name it - she came up with a reason to extract money from me. Perhaps the women I had in life couldn't handle that. Yes, I love my child very much. I’d give my life for his if it came to it. As you can see I'm fairly simple. Oh, and yes I finally found a woman that wants me no matter what, but I can't let her close right now. You’ll understand a little later.

Well while she was in her apartment, she had about three guys move in and out. She met a man that, believe it or not I actually liked this guy. She ended up marrying him. (I WARNED HIM) Their marriage did not go well and [they] divorced. I'm still friends with him and he keeps telling me, "you warned me." Well, their marriage ended and my son had had enough. "Dad, I'm coming to live with you." He’s 17 now. Now has been with me for five months. I've filed to have the child support stop to her. She disagrees and wants the money. I've explained to her how it’s going to work. Boy, you would have thought the world cracked in two. She has never tried to make me feel so guilty about anything before. I just told her like she has done to me - it’s about our son. I think now you understand why I can't have anyone close right now. Just so many things going on that I just don't have time for a relationship. My child graduates this year, so I have everything connected with that. Also, I'm changing jobs because of the housing slow down.

Do you think that a judge will grant me custody, as well as having all the child support I've paid since he moved in with me applied to arrears and have her pay child support, which I really don't want, just have it applied to arrears? Can all of it be wrapped in one case? Well, the end for now. I'll finalize the story at the end of July.

Thanks,
GB

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Dear GB,

I've been surprised in my experiences both negatively and positively with regard to the decisions of judge's. In some of the circles I review, that's been the experience of many, though some of the worst negative experiences have been with fathers.

First, consult your attorney when seeking guidance about what to expect in court and the appropriate course of action to take.

That said, I don't believe it's unreasonable for you to expect that the custody will be granted and, on a lesser level, the support will change. This is assuming you have already filed for both a custody modification and a support modification.

At 17-years old, most states will give a great deal of consideration to him in terms of his choice of where to live. He has recognized that being with you will reduce the level of chaos and associated stress in his life. As for the support situation, it is very difficult to obtain support retroactively except in certain specific circumstances. My experience has been that support modifications are only retroactive to the day you filed for support modification and not before. This is why it is vitally important that when there is a substantial change in circumstances, you file right away. The PEW has gotten out of substantial childcare expenses due to my lack of understanding that the family courts don't allow you to "go back" and collect what is legally owed you or apply to a responsible party what they are legally responsible for.

Assuming that you've already filed for the aforementioned modifications, I believe that you have a very good chance to have your wishes realized. We wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
LM

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Game of Contempt Hearing "Chicken" - Ends

Updating the readership...

This morning, I received an early text message from The Psycho Ex-Wife:

PEW: The hearing has been cancelled.

Of course, I don't reply. This was soon followed by a second text message:

PEW: Don't make me regret it.

Of course, I didn't reply. This was soon followed by an email:

PEW: All I'm asking for is some sense of decency between us. I cancelled today because I can't do this anymore with you. Do what's best for the boys, that's all. Whether you want to believe it or not, keeping them for three weeks in a row, as not a good thing for them.


Of course, I didn't reply.

A sense of decency, she writes. I suppose I was "indecent" because I had custody of the children for three straight weeks, nevermind that it was the result of her being found guilty of contempt-of-court for custodial interference, effectively "stealing" from my holidays with the children last year. This would have been the sixth contempt petition in 2-years from her. All of them have been dismissed. As glad as I am to avoid having to go back to court, I was prepared to pull out all the stops in an effort to get Judge Contempt to impose some serious sanctions against her for this petition and for any furture, unsupportable petitions. Alas, no continuation, she withdrew the petition.

My assumptions regarding why she did this are as follows:

- She thought I would be working from the home office this week, which would have saw me have to drive several hours the night before to attend court. Without such inconvenience to me, it lost it's effect.

- Had I needed to bail-out on what is the single biggest project at work for which I'm responsible may have put my job in jeopardy. That would have put her bi-weekly stipend at risk.

- (Less likely) She feared getting bonked on the head with a gavel as the JC is really fed up with her antics and seeing us in court so often we were going to be given reserved seating with our names engraved on the chairs. She had no case. The court order was clear.

Onward until the next meltdown...

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The Family Terrorist

It's funny how you can live your whole life not being aware of something so large that has been sitting right in front of your eyes. I was aware of the women's movement of course and feminism, and the fact that the balance of the view on men has changed so dramatically, but I was never aware of how it began, and certainly not of who started the process. I really believed that because I care about men and fathers and treat them appropriately, and that in my own family we have always been equals in raising children and beyond, that other's views wouldn't affect me. Oh how wrong I was. As I've been doing research to handle our own situation, I stumbled upon Erin Pizzey, founder of the first women's shelter in the UK which of course launched a shitstorm of women who became national victims for the sake of being a victim. The first article I read by Erin was simply the first article that ever described exactly how PEW acts not only now, but during the entire marriage. From Working With Violent Women she writes:

"It is unfortunate that the legal situation which many divorce agreements mandate is open-ended. Certainly, when both parties to a divorce are reasonably well-balanced, it is entirely fitting for the settlement to be flexible enough to incorporate changing financial circumstances, child-care capabilities, and visitation rights. When, however, one party to the divorce is an emotional terrorist, then both the confrontational divorce procedure and the resultant open-ended divorce settlement provide infinite opportunity for the courts, lawyers, and the entire battery of psychologists called in for evaluations, to be used a the terrorist's weapons. In these cases, the court and the divorce procedure provide no boundaries for the terrorist; instead they allow the terrorist to continue to behave boundlessly."

.......

"To limit the terrorist's feelings of omnipotence, there are many effective measures. The guiding principle, as in the handling of political terrorists, must be 'There is no negotiating with terrorists.' Endless telephone calls, conversations, confrontation, trial 'get-back-togethers,' correspondence, visitations, gestures of appeasement, and efforts to placate the terrorist's demands, all serve to reinforce the terrorist's belief that she is accomplishing something. Only determined resolution in the face of terrorism shows the terrorist that her power is limited."

I was hooked on Erin Pizzey after 5 minutes. I loved her. I wanted to bring her home with me. So of course, I continued reading from her book Prone To Violence:

"Again no one wanted to hear the uncomfortable truth. And that truth was that there are so many thousands of violence-prone people, born and raised in violence, who know no other lifestyle except to terrorise and mutilate each other or any innocent victim who comes into their circle."

.......

"But it is a mistake to think of violence as a collection of bruises and broken bones. It is not the physical attacks that do the worst of the damage; it is the slow destruction of a human soul in the hands of people already suffering from their own violent natures. Until it is accepted by everyone that verbal violence can do far more damage than even the most savage physical onslaught, we will continue to react only to stories and pictures of visibly battered children, and comfort ourselves that it only happens among the poor and the feckless."

You may not be able to tell from these two excerpts, but Prone to Violence is about the women she encountered in the shelters who were just as, if not more, violent than the men they were escaping. It's interesting to note, although not entirely surprising, that Pizzey did once create a shelter for battered men but found funding to be lacking, even from the same sources that fully funded the women's shelters. She is once again turning towards helping battered men currently in the UK, and I for one, wish her well.

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Sitting on the Edge of Our Seats

I'm sure you are all wondering what is happening with PEW's latest (false) contempt petition filing, because of course you have nothing else to do. As you may recall, LM got a continuance until January 24th for the original hearing that was scheduled for December 26th. I bet you just realized that that is tomorrow!

Of course we heard from PEW, after she realized that um, yet again, she was dead wrong, that she was going to be the "better" person and withdraw the petition. Of course, she never did, later saying she was keeping the court date since she hadn't seen "any remorse" from LM. As if.

As it turned out, LM had a very important business event scheduled for Jan 24th, and seeing as how he had been unemployed for 9 months when his previous employer moved across the country, we thought it would be prudent for him to try to KEEP his job. Of course, PEW told the court she wasn't willing to continue the hearing, surprise! So, yesterday LM was greeted with an e-mail from PEW with an attachment she had just faxed to the court:

"Due to some health issues I am having that need my immediate attention, I intend to withdraw my petition for contempt filed 12/12/07.

I know LM requested a continuance last week, which I subsequently requested that the court deny, but that was before I found out that I needed to tend to this health issue."

Now, first of all, no way we believe something is actually wrong with her health, though we mightily wish some evil disease would befall her. (Hey, this is the woman who referred to LM as scarface after he had cancer removed under his eye two years ago. She's a peach.) What we do believe is that she is trying to get out of the hearing with what little self respect she has left, and of course she is DYING for LM to ask what is wrong. As if. I mean, if she is sooo right and he is in contempt, why not just approve the continuance LM requested so she can deal with it after whatever health issue she is having (I'm praying for Locked-in syndrome) is treated? The answer, she's psycho.

So, the rest of the letter went on to say that she was unable to actually get to the courthouse to file the withdrawal, cuz she's so *cough*cough* sick, and while I'm not an attorney, I'm pretty sure that means it's not withdrawn and the conference is still on. We'll see what happens.

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A Postlude to Another Miserable Christmas - 1/11/2001

The Christmas of 2000 was one of many that were very unhappy. Compounding matters was just after New Year's Day 2001, we had engaged in another blow-out which resulted in a physical exchange. I ended up with bloody claw-marks across the left side of my face and neck and the family room being ransacked... by PEW... 5-months pregnant.

As usual, I can't quite recall what it was we were even arguing about. We had these regularly scheduled blowouts so often that you just can't always remember the specifics. They all seem to run together through history and I can't recall too many that were about anything earth shattering. I'm sure this one was no exception.

While yelling at one another things escalated. PEW was 5-months pregnant with S2. She was holding S1, then 2-1/2 years old, in her right arm and we were standing close to one another. Without warning, she slashed at me like a rabid cougar with her right paw, catching me on the side of the face as I tried to rear back, turning my head. In one motion, I came back around and, with my right hand, I grabbed her firmly and angrily told her, "You had better get control of yourself RIGHT NOW!" Immediately realizing that I could have quite easily escalated to a point-of-no-return, I released her, backed away, and immediately apologized for grabbing her (with blood trickling down my face and neck).

With that, she calmly handed me S1, who I took in my arms. He was crying. What happened next was almost surreal. She walked into the family room and completely ransacked it while I stood there and watched. As she flipped every table, threw every lamp and table-top item there was, I kept repeating, "Will you please knock it off! You're 5-months pregnant and I'm afraid something bad is going to happen!" She didn't. She wouldn't. So, I removed myself and S1 to the living room until she was done.

That's what happened. We slept in separate rooms that night, though, I recall I didn't actually sleep that much. The next day, while I was at work, she had packed some things and went to her parents with S1 "for a few days." I cleaned up the family room the next night.

A few days later, the expected IMversation would commence. Even as I re-read this now, it makes me slightly ill - not just her usual blatant projection and her uncanny ability to completely re-write the way an event occurred, but my apologizing for my lack of self-control in grabbing her by the arm after being assaulted. This is how far one can descend when plunged into the deep hole that a BPD drags you into. I can't think of why I did that. My guess is years of "training" at the hands of PEW and the disordered behavior. Maybe a desire to try to de-escalate the situation, a futile effort, but one I would repeatedly attempt without success. Even still, you'll notice she is right back on the offensive. She just never stops.

PEW: i need to ask you something
LM: Hi. Okay.
PEW: i don't know what to do
LM: Okay. Look, I made a error in judgment the other night. I can only apologize and hope you can forgive me.
PEW: is there something going on in your life that I should know about
LM: Nope. Things are fine at work. I got good grades last semester (Both classes). Work is looking up as my "bonus-projects" are nearing completion. My wife and kids are healthy... and I am excited about our new baby coming.
PEW: It's not that I can't forgive you, but things like this have happened before....not for a long time but it's a serious problem
LM: I'm sorry. I just can't take the words. I just have to discipline myself to leave the house when it starts. Since you can't promise not to do it. I just have to. First curse - I have to go take a timeout. That's all I can do. I love you, I really, really do.
PEW: well we've been together for six years and we can't seem to get it right. i know you do and I love you
LM: Discipline. It's all about discipline. I'll just go in the future. Avoid arguments. It's that simple.
PEW: but I want this to be over and it won't ever be
LM: I don't think it is the correct method.
PEW: I think you need help
LM: But we can't discuss difficult topics without the insult and curse barrage. And I have to avoid it. I agree. I need help in dealing with how to control myself when you can't control yourself.
PEW: you blame me
LM: You may not like it put in that premise... but I obviously have a problem with self control when the insults start flying.
PEW: your temper is much worse than mine
LM: I just do. Enough about my temper.
PEW: I would never ever initiate physical contact with you during an arguement
LM: You just can't see how your words set me off. You just did!

-----
Here is where she starts the fiction. After what transpired, she claims to "never" intiate physical contact. This wasn't the first time. It also wouldn't be the last time.
-----

PEW: well I think I'm leaving. they are excuses
LM: It's not excuses... it is an obvious problem.
PEW: you don't think this situation is directly related to your upbringing
LM: I can't control myself when insulted. You wanted to ask a question.
PEW: i think i'm going to have to leave....I've thought about it and thought about
LM: You psychoanalyzing me will only result in more disagreement.
PEW: i can't stay or you can't stay....one of us is going to have to leave and since you don't admit that you need proffessional help, I'm going to have to do something. this will happen again and again and again
LM: Excuse me... would you kindly scroll up and see the part where I said, "I have a problem."
PEW: my leaving last time didn't obviously impact you enough to prevent this
LM: I'll wait. At what point do you admit that you have a self-control problem?
PEW: yes...you said your problem is that you can't control yourself when I can't control myself
LM: At what point do you take responsibility for the hurtful things that you say? You act as if your words should have no impact on me.

-----
This is more of the same failures on her part to ever accept any responsibility for her behavior. It's always about me, my fault, my behaviors. She is responsible for none of it. However, it's worse than that. When she does acknowledge doing "something," it doesn't matter what she does, her expectation from me is to not react as I do.
-----

PEW: well, when you are saying to me....." I asked you a question, ANSWER THE QUESTION PEW".... ANSWER THE QUESTION PEW.... ANSWER THE QUESTION PEW....
LM: I didn't yell that.
PEW: the first thing that comes to my mind is that you are an asshole
LM: In fact, I believe I turned and calmly asked the lamp the question that you weren't answering.
PEW: and I say it because you act like one
LM: You are rehashing the argument... and it serves no purpose. My disagreeing with what is "comfortable" or "not uncomfortable" does not warrant insults. That is what happened.
PEW: well LM, it's not illegal for me to call you a name
LM: PEW... this isn't about what is "legal" or not.
PEW: but it is illegal for you to touch me in a violent way. and if you do the drill seargent thing... i think that you are getting violent
LM: This isn't a Q&A it is another one of your inquisitions. Can I be left alone now, since you are repeating the cycle again?
PEW: well I just want to know where we go from here?
LM: I don't know. I'm sorry.
PEW: because this isn't going away?
LM: But I will not sit here and have you lump the blame on me. You got violent. You got insulting.
PEW: so I take it that you are not leaving? no you got violent?
LM: And I simply will not sit by and tolerate your revisionist history. I have nowhere to go. I am not leaving.
PEW: my father does not have a history of physical violence...yours does
LM: Sorry. Please, my father has nothing to do with this.
PEW: so I'm not the one who initiates violence. i don't
LM: Your father has a history of verbal abuse and perpetuating mental anguish on his spouse and children. There is no excuse for me grabbing you.
PEW: well if you called me a "fat bitch" or a slut or anything, I'd take that over what happened the other night
LM: That does not mean that you are without blame for how things transpired. I understand that. That is why I said that in the future... as soon as you curse me... I will leave.
PEW: no you won't
LM: I need to discipline myself to do that.
PEW: you won't. you need to see a proffessional

-----
This appears to be another characteristic of the borderline. At least, it's the experience of those I know via support groups and forums. A common theme is their insistence that you (the non-borderline) need professional help, a psychiatrist, anger-management classes, or similar. PEW is no different in that regard.
-----

LM: But again... I see you making no promises on the steps that you will take to prevent an escalation of things.
PEW: i don't scare you?
LM: Yes, you do.
PEW: or intimidate you? please
LM: Yes, you do. I don't care if you don't believe it.
PEW: you're the one with the guns
LM: But you when go into your routine... it scares me, and I lash out. Oh please.
PEW: you're the only one who's threatened to kill yourself and burn down the house
LM: I did not threaten to kill myself.

-----
Strong projection. Here is a person who has repeatedly talked of suicide throughout her life (I would come to find out) who projects that onto another. I assure you I have never threatened to kill myself. Also, it's not just the suicide threats - it's the not taking responsibility for creating this chaos. It's the delusion that she "never initiates" physical contact, when in reality - she always did.
-----

PEW: that's not emotional abuse? you did too
LM: I wish you would stop saying that. Okay. Enough.
PEW: i'll leave then
LM: Obviously, you haven't had enough of arguing, and can't discuss things rationally.
PEW: have you heard from my Dad
LM: So, if you have nothing meaningful to offer except more blanket accusations and justification for your verbal abuse, can we end the conversation?
PEW: have you heard from my Dad?
LM: Why should I be hearing from your Dad?
PEW: well he is upset
LM: That sounds reasonable.
PEW: you don't just choke a woman that is 6 months pregnant and expect people to love you for it
LM: What purpose would his involvement help? I did not choke you.
PEW: it wouldn't and I told my mom I didn't want him to call
LM: I am so sorry you told them I "choked" or "strangled" you. That's a shame.
PEW: you did
LM: Sure. Strangled with no marks, while I sit here with claw marks across my neck. Interesting.
PEW: please LM....you are kidding yourself...I'm wondering what you would have done if I wasn't pregnant

-----
There I go again! Trying to explain reality to someone who has a compulsion to break from reality. It's as if she has an ability to not only block out what she did, but actually recreate a new account of what actually occurred.
-----

LM: You are so grossly dramatic.
PEW: that's why if there is something else going on with you...you should tell me
LM: How did you explain a "strangulation" with no hand prints?
PEW: grossly dramatic?
LM: Yes.
PEW: i didn't say you strangled me
LM: "Choking" and "strangulation" are overly dramatic.
PEW: you choked me
LM: You said I "strangled" you last night. You say I "choked" you today. Yet, you have no marks.
PEW: there was also a bump on the back of my head
LM: A bump? From what? ME?!?!? You must be joking?
PEW: this is no joke. our son was there
LM: And what, pray tell, did I do to cause this bump on your head?
PEW: that didn't even stop you
LM: It didn't stop you, either.
PEW: well I'll leave and when you are rehabilited, I'll come back
LM: Amazing that you can sit in an accusatory position, and fail to acknowledge unleashing a verbal assault on me in front of oru child.
LM: Throw stuff all over the room. Physically assualt me.
PEW: because you pulled the drill seargent thing on him
LM: And you can sit there and act like you are right now.
PEW: i did not physically assault you
LM: Sure.
PEW: i grabbed your neck after you grabbed mine
LM: These scratches on my neck appeared out of thin air?
LM: No, when I yelled at you, you swung at me.
LM: Then I grabbed you.
PEW: you pulled away after I grabbed your neck. bull shit. liar
LM: Okay. So... we disagree as usual. I'm sorry for that.
PEW: after you get proffessional help, I'll come home
LM: Did you physically assault me?
PEW: proffessional help. no i did not

-----
This is what drives people insane with a borderline. In the same "breath" (so-to-speak), she acknowledges "grabbing" my neck while a few replies later says she didn't physically assault me.
-----

LM: You didn't scratch up my neck?
PEW: i was defended myself while i was holding our son
LM: Did you verbally assault me, and again, repeatedly insult me and my family in front of our child?
PEW: when you grabbed my neck, I reached out for yours...that's when you pulled back....hence the scratches. no i didn't insult your family
LM: That is physical assault, PEW. Yes you did.
PEW: I called you an asshole and a jerk and a dick
LM: When I brought it up to you last night... You said that they were all assholes... again.
PEW: well for the most part....they are. that's the truth. Sorry.
LM: Okay... enough.
PEW: you know it
LM: You can't stop yourself. You have nerve telling me that I need help.
PEW: well I'm very upset that once again, me and my child have to be uprooted because you are not man enough to NOT STRIKE OUT IN ANGER

-----
More projection. She admonishes me for allegedly "striking out in anger" - when in reality and by her own admission during this exchange (and subsequent denials) having done just that. This is what makes the non-borderline's head spin in honest confusion. You truly begin to question your own sanity, sometimes to the point of questioning whether or not things happened as you recall them.
-----

PEW: don't come home here at lunch
LM: You can't control yourself either.
PEW: i'm packing and getting ready to leave
LM: Just because you do it verbally doesn't make it right... and last night you did it physically, too.
PEW: I was defending myself. I never strike out at people in anger...unless then strike me first. i may throw a book or tip over a table, but hitting other people is not my thing
LM: Call it what you will... my grabbing you and saying "You better get control of yourself" and then letting go is not "choking" it isn't "strangulation" is wasn't even "scratching."
PEW: that's not the way I was brought up
LM: Well, you did so last night... and you did it before, too.
PEW: bullshit. Liar. you are a liar LM
LM: I know... the truth is tough to acknowledge. You never kicked me in the chest for "yelling." Right? You who never lashes out? You didn't scratch my neck for "yelling?" Right? I did everything first is your claim, as always.
PEW: i pushed you away with my foot once when you were screaming in my face after you pushed me onto the bathroom floor. then I kicked you
LM: Excuse me?
PEW: and you punched me in the leg. that was the day before we got married
LM: You kicked me so hard in the chest that my left side turned GREEN. Whew. You are amazing with your revisionist history. Absolutely amazing. Well, this served no useful purpose. Sorry.

-----
Another situation that happened years before during an argument is what she is describing here. She was laying on the sofa. I was standing down one end, where her feet were and we were engaged in another yelling match. Without warning, she reared up and karate-kicked me square in the chest. As it was happening, I swung my arm to attempt to deflect the blow, but I was too late. I fell back into the entertainment unit. Not long after that, my entire left pectoral muscle on down into my rib cage turned green, yellow, and purple from bruising.
-----

PEW: then there was the time you punched me in the arm and the chest because you were screaming in my face and I pushed you away
LM: Please, PEW, please stop making stuff up.
PEW: that was the time I said I wasn't going to do the mortgage thing because this house would never feel like mine
LM: I hit you in the leg defensively when you karate kicked me in the chest.
PEW: ahhhh the happy memories we have. bull shit
LM: Yes.
PEW: you are a woman beater....just like your father. you just have a little more control
LM: I know you that you won't acknowledge it, but you were laying on the couch, and I was yelling in response to yet another patented verbal assault by you, and you mulekicked me right in the chest.
PEW: excuses, excuses
LM: And I hit you in the leg.
PEW: and if I stay with you....our sons will be abusers too. please LM
LM: You are harassing me in work again. Like I asked you not to.
PEW: no...it's the only safe way I can talk to you
LM: Next will likely come the harassing phone calls... like I asked you not to.
PEW: otherwise you would be screaming in my face
LM: You mean, it is the safe way to continue to perpetrate your vicious mouth, isn't that it?
PEW: if I don't talk to you on line or by phone we'd be doing the whole scenario all over again. please??!!!
LM: No we wouldn't.
PEW: we would. you can't have a normal relationship
LM: Please nothing... go re-read the venom you've spewed in this very discussion. Yes I can. I just didn't think I was marrying a verbal abuser.
PEW: let me ask you this.... Did you have problems like this with your first wife?
LM: One who could continually be so mean and insulting and never stop doing it.
PEW: did you ever put your hands on her? I think you did. I think I might call her
LM: Enough.
PEW: i need to know if it's me or you
LM: Sorry that you continue to rage out of control. Bye.

-----
More of the same dance.

The Christmas of 2000 was a particularly miserable experience despite my always mistaken belief that I had done everything "right." The next few exchanges to be posted will detail the diametrically opposed view of this particular holiday.

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A Prelude to Another Miserable Christmas - 12/3/2000

PEW's penchant for destroying special events was methodical and predictable. While The Psycho Ex-Wife had no qualms about destroying a special event on or about the day of the event, it wasn't unusual for their to be a build-up to the destruction of the day. This, was one of many such occasions.

This is one of the few documented episodes where she would get delusional. If I wasn't allegedly somewhere other than where I was... it was something that occurred as a "sign from God" that I should give her the divorce she so desired... I was doing something that I wasn't actually doing... and so on.

She had been off of the Serzone for a good 6-months now and she was back to her usual, terroristic self since mid-summer. The following was one of the countless "ambushes via instant messenger while at work" episodes.

PEW: hey
LM: HI!
PEW: he just fell asleep
LM: lol
PEW: I took him back in like 5 minutes after you left. Who was that you called right b4 you left??
LM: ? I didn't call anyone.
PEW: you were on the phone when I walked back out with S1
LM: I was? No I wasn't.
PEW: yes you were talking to someone
LM: I was talking to you. You walked into the kitchen, I was standing there, looking at you and S1 walk into the kitchen right as I was leaving.
PEW: no you were hanging up the phone.....but b4 we walked out you were talking. Forget it
LM: Either I've lost my mind... or you've lost yours. I don't remember picking up the phone for any reason before I left.
PEW: well you've lost yours because you were
LM: Hang on... lemme retrace... You came into the bedroom... I walked out and returned with my shoes... I put my shoes on... I walked out and got my jacket... I returned... and gave each of you a kiss...
PEW: so far so good
LM: ...I walked back out into the back room, and put my tape back into the VCR and turned it off so that I could tape the X-files...
PEW: ok
LM: ...As I was prepared to walk out the door, I hear the "diaper" sound and his pitter-patter as you both came walking back into the kitchen... I stopped at the door and we started to chat about him coming out for a snack. I never touched the phone.
PEW: you did
LM: THEN HIT REDIAL... I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!
PEW: No. As god is my witness you were talking to someone
LM: Did you hear me telling the dog to get his ass in the cage? Don't start this with me PEW. I was not on the frigging phone when you walked out. The only time I was on the phone all NIGHT was when your mother called right before you left for Kmart.
PEW: i don't care ok.......i was just asking who you were on the phone with
LM: PEW, don't say that I was on the phone again, okay? Just don't. If you and your imagination believe I was on the phone, pick up the frigging phone, and hit the redial button. You'll probably get the frigging Netzero server, because that is the only phone call that I have made ALL DAY. ALL DAY.
PEW: why are you so defensive
LM: Because I've said that I wasn't on the phone with anybody, and at least three times you've said I was. Now... I am under enough stress and pressure in my frigging life, without you conjuring up thoughts of me lying to you about being on the God-damned phone with some "mystery" person. That's why.
PEW: you maybe forgot a phone call, but i'm not crazy the phone was in your hand and you were talking....maybe you picked up the phone to see if anyone called, then talked to the dog
LM: And now, instead of doing my Goddamned work, I am on the frigging IM with you, trying to convince you that I wasn't on the Goddamned phone. I DID NOT EVEN PICK UP THE GOD DAMNED PHONE. I wasn't even within arms reach of the phone when you walked into the kitchen. How can you possibly recall seeing me on the phone, when as you turned into the kitchen, and I was looking at you two, you said, "what? he didn't have a snack..." and so on?
PEW: ok sorry....I asked a question....if you weren't so sneaky half the time I wouldn't even wonder
LM: Omg. Where in God's name is this coming from? Now I'm "sneaky." Thanks. No shit. Thanks a lot.
PEW: sorry, i'm going sorry to bother.....sorry I asked a question.....sorry I said your sneaky....goodbye
LM: No you're not.
PEW: yes I am
LM: You didn't simply "ask a question." You asked a question for which you thought you already had an answer, which was wrong, under the guise of "suspecting" I was being "sneaky" about something. So, please, don't try to sell me any BS story, okay? Thanks for nothing and thanks for getting me sidetracked and miserable. I truly appreciate it.
PEW: I did not think I knew the answer. My intention was not to get you upset
LM: If you didn't, then why did you say, "Yes you were?" You know what, I don't want to know. I just want to be left alone so I can finish my frigging work.
PEW: I said I was sorry you can accept it or be a jerk
LM: I'm really sorry for doing nothing.
PEW: good bye I siad
LM: That's a first. Goodbye.

There. I am officially insane.

She could have picked up the phone and hit redial. If I was on the phone right before I left the house, all she had to do was hit redial to discover who I had allegedly called. Granted, if someone had called me, the phone would have rang. While it didn't, in the event I had secretly turned the ringer off in all the phones in the house to allow a mystery call to come through - she could have dialed *69 and dialed the last number which called into the home.

She did neither. Rather than recognize the absurdity of it all and just block her from contacting me via IM so I didn't have to endure the abuse - I just got wound up, defensive, and, as usual, tried to use logic on someone who, by this time, I really began to think was totally nuts.

The truth is, I didn't block her because I was saving all documentation, having even told her that was what I was doing and would continue to do. It didn't stop her at all.

Always remember as you read these earliest items - I didn't suspect bipolar disorder until about 2002. I hadn't discovered borderline personality disorder until almost summer of 2005... for all the years prior to that, I simply floundered away trying to make it through all of the chaos repeatedly hoping (and failing) that reason and logic would make her realize how she was behaving.

It's 2008 and she still hasn't realized her problems. No one who has the power to make a difference has, either.

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