Just Whose Side Are You On Anyway?

I have to get something off my chest. Maybe it's not even anything I have to worry about, but it's bugging me. It may seem like we are taking sides on this blog. It may seem we believe all mother's are psycho. While I'm sure I have my moments, ahem, I do believe that most mothers are sane. While they may mess up from time to time during a divorce, for the most part mothers do believe their children's father is an important person. I am no different. I am not anti-mother. What I am, is pro-parent. That means both parents.

I believe the default custody agreement in divorce should be 50/50 unless there is a preponderence of evidence that shows one parent is mentally unstable and incapable of raising children physically, mentally AND emotionally. The only other exception would be if it were logistically not possible. In our case we have this evidence, but custody evaluators are not interested in reading it all. During our last evaluation the counselor simply said, "No, I didn't read any of it, it was too much." For that, she was paid several thousand dollars - to not do her job. Then she was paid again, to testify in court that she didn't do her job. That is what is wrong with the court system. People get paid while having to take zero responsibility for their actions. Court-appointed evaluators in our county aren't even legally required to testify! Yes, you pay for an evaluation and sign a release indicating that you accept and understand that you are not permitted to call the evaluator to court to testify as to how they reached their conclusion! They can write whatever they want and never have to answer to anyone. It's sick and should be illegal. No person should have such unchallengeable power to make a life-affecting decision about a family without having to legally justify their opinion under oath.

So what is the answer? I like the idea that all cases would be presented without mentioning gender or financials, however I don't believe that is possible. I also don't believe a counselor interviewing you for 3-hours and seeing how you interact with your children for less than 10-minutes can make a decision, either. We all know judges will never take the time to learn for themselves, they very often don't have the time. So honestly, I don't know the answer.

What I wish would happen is each child would spend a month with each parent while everything is being recorded. Everything. There are videotapes running all day long everywhere. Neighbors and teachers should also be interviewed. I can almost guarantee that if there is a mental issue, parental alienation, or other important issues, it would show itself during that month. The evaluator would REALLY be able to see how the kids interact with each parent in a real setting, not an office. Each parent should have to take a psychological exam, with different psychologists, that way there is no bias on the scoring because the psychologist has been influenced by one of the parents. Any therapist that has seen the parents as clients should HAVE to testify, nothing should be able to be hidden. Each evaluator should have to legally tell you the percentage of clients (by gender) they have ruled in favor of before you commit to using them.

Lastly, there should be severe consequences for any parent withholding custody time, in line with the consequences for not paying child support. Until then, the custodial parent holds all the power.

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And So Come The End of the Longest Period of Peace in The Relationship - 8/7/2000

My memory recalls a period in time, between the February 2000 IMversation and this one in August of 2000, where peace reigned for about 3 to 4 months. Somehow, she managed to get her doctor to prescribe her something for alleged depression called Serzone. Lord knows what other medication was tried at that point in time, I don't remember. Why do I remember Serzone? It worked. That's the only reason I remember it. (It was subsequently pulled from the market due to problems with liver damage and deaths.)

So why, then, did this blow-out occur? Well, during 4-months of level behavior, we got amorous from time to time. She got pregnant... late July. She had to stop taking the Serzone. It was as if someone flipped a switch. The moment she stopped the Serzone, the demon was back. We probably had a live argument or ten before this ambush. Notice another common theme with these text wars - it will be a rare sample, if ever, that you'll see me start the contact.

The specific incident that precipitated the argument was a weekend getaway. I was excited. A weekend away from home. No worries. Fun and games! WOOHOO! I back out of the driveway after getting everything packed and ready to roll. We drive to the end of the street and stop... turn right... I have this big happy grin on my face when out of nowhere, like Linda Blair in the Exorcist comes this voice that says to me, "Well, I hope you don't act like an asshole today." Getaway weekend over. Scuttled. Destroyed. I recall freaking out.

PEW: hey
LM: Morning!
PEW: hi
LM: Hi
PEW: i really don't know what to do
LM: About?
PEW: us.....i know you don't want to talk about it now at work and neither do I really.... it's the same thing over and over again, and it festers and festers
LM: What more do you want to say? If you are going to tell me that I yelled, and me tell you that you badgered me unprovoked... that is useless.
PEW: right, but the fact of the matter is that i know that we can't make it work, we've proven that time and time again
LM: You are going to have to come to an understanding that people have an occasional spat and you need to take them in their own context and not make mountains out of molehills. People argue, PEW. Everyone. We all do it.
PEW: i know people argue but i can't continue with this. i'm not happy
LM: You don't desire to break off relationships with your sister, your brother, your parents, or anyone else with whom you argue on a regular basis...
PEW: yes i do
LM: ...but each time we have an isolated incident, your world is coming to an end. (with me that is) No, you don't.
PEW: there is no isolated incidents with us. it's the same stuff over and over again
LM: You'll be talking and laughing with your sister in no time... your Mom, and whomever else.
PEW: i'm not in a fight with my mom
LM: ...I'm saying... when it happens.
PEW: so what i don't live with them
LM: Okay... so, I take it you want a divorce again? No sense prolonging the conversation so that you can tell me how unhappy you are and that you are leaving again... that is the gist of this anyway, right?

(Yes, I am being patronizing here. While it is hard to tell "tone" from a written engagement, you can plainly see that I'm just exhausted from doing this dance over and over again. I seriously want to just cut to the chase since we all know by now where this discussion is headed. I'm burnt out.)

PEW: well the counseling was a failure
LM: No, it wasn't. We should still be going. The counseling is working... we don't follow our instructions.
PEW: well the appt was cancelled you didn't say any thing about that...and you didn't finish reading the book
LM: I will finish the book. That doesn't address you telling me "I hope you don't act like an ass today" on N----- Road as soon as we left for the shore. No amount of my reading the book takes care of that. I didn't tell you to cancel the appt. In fact, I told you the opposite.

(She cancelled the appointment. This was the third or fourth try at counseling. It will have been the third of fourth time she bailed out of it.)

PEW: listen, lets accept that the marital relationship isn't gonna work, let's continue to be good parents to S1, work on the Invention together......
LM: No.

(Someone remind me to blog about "the invention" and the debacle that turned into.)

PEW: and when we get on more stable financial ground we'll take it from there. i can't leave you now. i want to
LM: It is going to work if you get a grip on things like "I hope you arent' going to be an ass today."
PEW: but i can't. no job. no money
LM: Wrong. I am not going to bust my ass to get you "set on financial ground" to leave me. ...and, I am now tired of talking about it. So, if you have anything else to discuss, let's get to it, otherwise, this conversation is now over.
PEW: i'm not asking you to bust your ass LM. i'm trying to get a job
LM: Conversation over. Thank you.

(end)

Yeah, I talked a good game and guess what? After stepping up and "being a man" and telling her how it was gonna be - I went ahead and busted my ass to get her set on financial ground to leave, which brings us to where we are today. Well played, LM, well played! Idiot.

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A View From Canada - The Plight of Divorced Dads

A view from Canada...

Barbara Kay, National Post Published: Saturday, December 08, 2007

The Plight of Divorced Dads

No other topics I write about so consistently provoke passionate personal response as those dealing with systemic discrimination against men. When, for example, I point out double standards for boys and girls in the health care system, or expose the use of bogus statistics around domestic violence, my inbox fills with male gratitude simply for acknowledging an obvious fact: Our culture is profoundly misandric.

Of the myriad forms of discrimination men cite, one looms over the rest: The egregious treatment meted out to fathers in the throes of contested child custody following the "no-fault" divorces most of them did not initiate or desire. My files bulge with stories of disenfranchised fathers ripped from their children's arms and lives. They have lost their homes, their careers, fortunes, friends and reputations, often on the basis of false allegations of abuse (for which their female accusers are virtually never punished). I wouldn't mention such anecdotal evidence, if the anguish in these testimonials didn't jibe with objective data confirming the shameful gender bias that dominates the family law system.

About half of all marriages end in divorce. Women are twice as likely to initiate a divorce as men, largely because they can be fairly sure they'll end up with control of the children. Where shared parenting is the default template, divorce rates plummet. Men are six times as likely as women to commit suicide within the first two years after a separation: That they kill themselves from despair rather than their ex-wives for revenge is, ironically, a tragically eloquent rebuttal to the feminist credo that men are inherently dangerous to women. Although 25% of women make more money than their spouses, 97% of support payers are men (even in cases of shared parenting). Mobility decisions favour women: The psychological comfort to a Vancouver mother of moving near her Toronto-based family will be privileged over the psychological devastation the virtual loss of his children causes the Vancouver-bound father.

Misandry in family law begins with an ideology that views children as the property of women, even though many peer-reviewed studies show children want and need both parents, and no studies show sole parenting by a mother serves children's best interests. This ideology is instilled in judges during training sessions featuring feminism-driven materials, and subsequently often plays out as unaccountable kangaroo courts. The result is that an adversarial mother who initiates a divorce against the will of the father --however indifferent her parenting skills, however superb his and even if the children spend their days with nannies or day care workers --pretty well has a lock on sole custody of the children. If she denies rightful access to the father, she will never be punished at all. Conversely, if he withholds money, he will be criminalized: His picture as a "deadbeat dad" may appear on government-sanctioned Internet sites, and if he goes to jail, as is likely, he will serve a longer sentence than cocaine dealers.

Most men think such kafkaesque scenarios can't happen to them. Happily married men parenting with equal diligence believe in their hearts that men who find themselves savaged by the family law system are congenital losers, or were demonstrably lousy husbands and fathers. Many such "winners" are in for an unpleasant surprise.

"We want to pull away from the idea that parents have rights in relation to their children," said Jennifer Cooper, chair of the Canadian Bar Association's family law section, representing 2,200 divorce lawyers. "Parents" in this statement is the hypocritical lip service feminism pays to humanism: She meant "fathers," for women's rights today are never "pulled away from," only supported or furthered. In the days when children belonged to both their parents, it used to be said that children were "hostages to fortune." Today they are hostages to feminism and the state.

In his new, cleverly titled book, Taken into Custody, Stephen Baskerville, president of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children, paints a bleak picture of the routine injustice a divorcing father can expect when a woman initiates a divorce. Baskerville baldly warns: "If I have one urgent piece of practical advice for young men today, it is this: Do not marry and do not have children." His book, like many others of the genre, makes a persuasive case. Men should read them. If the system does not become equitable, don't be surprised if men choose increasingly, and with reason, to play their trump card: Voting for equality with their condoms.

The Plight of Divorced Dads (Feminism, Misandry, Child Custody Laws, Disenfranchised Fathers)

bkay@videotron.ca

(Reprinted with permission)

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How To Inappropriately Respond to Hostile Emails! (Almost Moment of Weakness)

I've been forthright in telling you that I have made mistakes. I still sometimes make mistakes. Sometimes, I go ahead and make the mistake because something in my gut tells me it's the right thing to do. How ironic that only a day after breaking down the article "How to Appropriately Handle Hostile Emails" would I be so tested.

This morning, I get an email from PEW that falls under my "can-respond" rule of "urgent matter pertaining to the children." She had asked me about building a car to S1's Cub Scout Project for the Pinewood Derby. I told her I would and wondered how long she had it as it is due in a month. In addition to blaming her delaying letting me know about this matter on my lack of communication, she takes off on me regarding the boys' behavior:

(1/10/2008, 9:30AM from PEW):

LM,

Also, with regard to the boys......the lack of communication is seriously hurting in school. Now it's looking like S2 is going to have to go to [Mrs. S2GuidanceCounselor]. We cannot continue this way and it's totally up to you to make a change. I couldn't be more communicative with you. You on the other hand didn't even let me know that you lost S2's EDM calendar. S1 is doing the sloppiest work I have ever seen him do. His book bag is a mess....he's not using the new folder or homework book I bought for him and the only way this will improve is if we're both on the same page. If things between us do not improve, come April I am going to have to ask JC for another custody evaluation by a psychologist. I'm not messing around with the kids lives. Look at what happened to [your nephew]. Do you want that for your children?

~PEW

Strangely, during the weeks they are with me, they both mostly get good reports. During the weeks they are with her, they don't. Further, S1's writing has been greatly improved since I recently told him how to properly hold a pencil, how to tilt the page for a right-hander, and to take his time and keep his letters in proportion to one another. His bookbag isn't a mess when he's with me, in fact, I find it difficult to understand how it's possible to make a "mess" of a bookbag.

This reply is in keeping with the article I reviewed yesterday. It's not perfect, but still is in the spirit of the article's suggestions.

(1/10/2008, 10:15AM reply from LM):

The communication thing is an absolute necessity because of your abusive behavior. There is no other way around it. It has been a part of our lives since 1995 and apparently will not change. Your emails, your voice mails, almost the entirety of what you call "communication" is horrifyingly adversarial and always has been. At this time, I expect it always will be.

Increasing communication with you will only expose me to more of your unacceptable behavior and language, and I've told you repeatedly, I will not reply to any communication that includes same.

~LM

From there, she escalates, not unexpectedly:

(1/10/2008, 11:53AM from PEW):

LM,

How you define abusive is absolutely essential here. You have always tended to embellish on that topic. First, how many times have I been kind to you, only to turn around and have you stab me in the back? (Christmas is a perfect example) Then, I become distraught and call you a name....and you call that abuse or harrassment? When under the circumstances that would be a totally normal reaction to this situation..... Time and time again, I extend the olive branch....only to have it rammed down my throat later. There have been plenty of occassions since 1995 that you have treated me in a less than respectful way, you have cursed at me, called me names, etc..etc... I can absolutely guarantee you that I would not email you in a harsh way if you would stop with your vindictiveness with regard to the children. I'm not always going to agree with the things you do, if you had the common courtesy to respond to my concerns (like with the bus stop thing) I might understand your perspective and move on and sometimes we may have to come to a compromise. It's called "co-parenting", which you seem unable to wrap your head around. If we can't communicate with regard to the children, the 50/50 arrangement is not going to work for them. When you say my communication is "horrifyingly adversarial" I need you to give me an example?? 99% of the time, I state my business in a respectful way......1% of the time, I give you attitude......You need to look at the definition of the word "abuse" and "harrassment". You are trying to victimize yourself when you're not a victim. I'm not the only one here stuck in a cycle of behavior....why do you never look at yourself to find solutions to our prediciment? You haven't done anything differntly since day 1 of this process. I was so excited after we met in November and now I'm just as mortified as I've been the three dozen times before when I had "high hopes" for a better relationship.

You do what you feel you must...with regard to the communication.....if the abuse is too much for you....maybe you should treat me a little nicer. I am the mother of your children. Why is it so inconceiveable that we could be friends? You're the one that is preventing that. But I will tell you this right now, come April......if things are status quo.....I'll be requesting an evaluation for the boys. As far as the hearing on Jan 24th.....I'm keeping that because so far I see no remorse on your part for what you did.

~PEW

More of the same. Delusional. Simply delusional. The projection is plain to see, as well as her clear abuse of the court system, knowing her petition is false, but she will keep the hearing simply because I'm not remorseful enough for her. And something in my gut is telling me that this is the email where you have to give her a dose of reality. My gut is telling me that even though it will absolutely mean nothing to her, every once in a while you have to bury the borderline in an avalanche of reality. You do. It may have no impact, but my gut is telling me that just the fact that she will have to read reality is enough for me.

The following reply violates every covenant of how to appropriately handle hostile emails. I know it does. I am holding back for the moment, but I really have a strong compulsion to send this... email not-yet-sent:

(1/10/2008 - The as-yet unsent Email Bomb from LM):

Okay, you asked, I will do this… one more time. If you take everything you have written and read it back to your self, replacing LM with PEW, you will have reality. Examples of your “communicativeness” since the November 2nd hearing, which doesn't include harassment by voice mails, text, or when you involved the kids in the issues.

1. You're a bastard.
2. you are an evil person
3. Get a set of your own and be a father......
4. total psycho for a father
5. You disgust me.
6. You're a sick person
7. because their SICK father
8. grow up and be a man!!
9. Get to a psychiatrist LM, you need help badly.....you need medication or something.
10. You're an idiot.

Now I know you will read that list and come back with "well it's ALL true, therefore it's not abuse." Yes, I know, you are always the victim, and I always deserve what you dish out. Show me a single e-mail where I have called you a name, questioned your mental imbalances, or any other form of abuse.

What did you do "kind" over Christmas? You filed in court to interrupt my holiday, yet again, before Christmas was even here. Is that your idea of an olive branch? Then when you found out you were wrong, you started on a barrage of e-mails detailing how awful I am and how you have been victimized by me yet again, when in fact, I had Christmas because of your actions last year. It had nothing to do with anything I had done. Just another thing you will never take responsibility for. A normal person would say "you know what, I messed up last year, I'm really sorry, is there any way I can come down to [your area] on a weekend before or after Christmas and spend time with the kids?" But no, you instead begin a harrassment campaign and file in court, even though you are wrong.

Then you say you are the "better" person and are going to withdraw the petition since you were wrong, and yet, here we are, and you haven't, so I guess you aren't the "better" person after all. Talk about no remorse, I still haven't received an apology for last year, or any of the false petitions and reports you have filed. You send me bizarre e-mails detailing how I should remember the times we made love by the fire (this, after numerous and patently false accusations of ME "not being able to move on after you divorced me") - it's pretty clear you are the only one still thinking of any allegedly "good" times - all while you continue to tell me what an asshole I am and how you will be taking me back to court, yet again, to take the children away from me. Where is that olive branch? It's jammed up my ass where you always jam it, PEW.

We cannot co-parent because you have no idea what that means. Co-parenting does not mean that you tell me what to do, like your "suggestion" that I allow the kids to watch more TV and play video games or I will be to blame when we have rebels on our hands. We already have rebels on our hands, because of your parenting style, which is throw them in front of the TV or computer and repeatedly fail to instill any discipline when they act out. You're too busy buying their love and being all buddy-buddy with them because there is always big bad daddy to punish them, why should you bother? When the teacher asks for your input, you tell them to "talk to the counselor" because "I don't know what to do." When I didn't live up there, their behavior issues were because I wasn't around. Now you conveniently blame their behavior issues on the fact that I have 50% custody. You will always have me to blame when something goes wrong, just as you have always done. You have never taken responsibility for a single thing in this mess, other than to say you made the mistake of marrying me. Spare me the story again, I assure you it was a much bigger mistake for me.

All this from the woman, the so-called "respectful woman who only wants to co-parent," who has called CPS with a false allegation on us, making your own children be interrogated, called the sheriff's office, and so much more, for no reason other than your petty jealousy that I and the children have a life, too, beyond you. They happen to like their Father, DW, SD1, and SS1 and have a good time with us and that, for some inexplicable reason - is a threat to you. I know you had it in your head that if I got a job up there I would leave DW and move back in with you, which defies explanation. Why you would think that when you have done nothing but try to convince everyone how I abused you for ten years is beyond me. Why you have this idea that you are anywhere near as beautiful, nice, or smart as DW, is beyond comprehension. I am there for the children, not for you. What kind of a woman who swears she was abused by me for ten years, would invite me to live in her house? Your story doesn't match up and it never will.

I will do what I believe is an appropriate parenting style, teach my children right from wrong, not bad-mouth their mother despite all she has done and continues to do, continue to encourage their relationship with you and remind them that you love them. I will instill discipline and responsibility in them, despite the shit you tell them - all the things someone equipped to co-parent does. My experience is that you have little to none of that and that is why co-parenting is not possible with you.

I suggest you move on with your life.

Here it is, broken down for you in chronological order:

12/4/2007: You start criticizing my parenting with absolutely no knowledge of how things are done in my home. They get more than enough television and videogames at your home and you’re dictating to me that they should have more tv and videogames at my house?

“LM,
Just a heads up for you.....you are way way way too strict on our boys. This is not 1950 anymore...there IS TV, there ARE video games....."everything in moderation".....you need to loosen up before we have a couple rebels on our hands. I'm really starting to get annoyed with the whole situation.”

Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/11/2007: After lengthy pre-hearing discussions and acknowledgement from you to the judge no fewer than three times, you start down the path of holiday destruction again, attempting to ruin my time with the children by feigning confusion (again):

“LM,
I'm trying to figure out the holidays.....I'm assuming you'll drop them off on the 23rd...pick up again on christmas eve, bring back on Christmas day? Can you let me know.”

I responded by letting you know what we agreed to both prior to the hearing and you re-affirmed several times for Judge [Contempt] at the hearing. You then went ballistic.

12/11/2007: Abusive, harassing tirade in reply to a one-sentence, factual reply regarding the agreement:

“You cannot have them three weeks in a row. That is bullshit, we weren't operating on this arrangement then. You had the whole summer and then moved up here too. You're a bastard.”

Is that your 1% disrespectful e-mails? I guess I should expect I will have 99% nice ones coming now. Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/11/2007: As you always have, you continue with your demanding, bullying tactics:

“when were you planning on returning them? I want them on Sunday the 23rd.”

I had already answered you. You didn’t deserve a reply to your demand. You continue with your deluge of hate mail…

12/11/2007: You threaten legal action, like you always do, despite having no grounds nor justification. You are abusing the legal system to try to get your way and using the children as leverage and trying to guilt me, as you have always done:

“It would make sense for you to get the days you missed from the 24th to the 27th, but not the whole week??? That is not the intention of the make up time form last year. I am sick to my stomach that you are going to do this to them. I am filing tomorrow in the hopes that they will get us in before Christmas.”

Hmmm, maybe the next one will be nice. Is that the olive branch? Do you know what an olive branch is? Threatening communication like you’ve done above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/11/2007: You sit at your computer sending email after email after email despite my having already told you what the schedule was, a schedule we agreed to. A holiday schedule that was what it was due to your being found in contempt of court for custodial interference the previous Christmas:

“It's hopeless to even talk to you....you are an evil person...”

Guess I was wrong, still not nice. Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/16/2007: excerpt of another email trying to leverage the children as a guilt mechanism to have me bow to your demands, just as you always have:

“You have been so cruel”

Maybe you had your numbers backwards? Maybe it's 99% disrespectful and 1% respectful? Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/18/2007: You set me up for failure by informing me with 1-day’s notice that S2 needs Christmas cards for his classmates. You knew about this assignment long before that and put me in a serious bind. I don’t do that shit to you.

“Also, I forgot to give you his list for his Christmas cards that Mrs. S2Teacher wants them all to do for their party on thursday the 20th.”

Not only is that deliberate behavior, it’s inappropriate and sets up S2 to look bad when the assignment cannot be completed on time. That apparently doesn’t matter to you in your efforts to make me look bad, but throwing your children under the bus in your quest to make me pay is nothing new.

12/18/2007: Despite me telling you the facts about the agreement, you persist:

“What else do you need to convince you that you're wrong?”

It doesn’t deserve a response.

12/19/2007: You persist:

“are you going to bring the kids back "per the order"?”

12/20/2007: Now, after having explained both in email and over the phone, you persist with your badgering (it’s called harassment at this point, PEW):

“I'll dig mine up. What does it say about Christmas? do you remember? I can't figure out for the life of me how you decided that you would get the whole week next week?”

It doesn’t deserve a response.

12/20/2007: After going home and reading the petition which was subsequently made into the order, you send no fewer than 6-emails, all without response… all within the span of about an hour making fun of me, my parenting, my partner, falsely accusing her (again) of abusing the children, my manhood, my psychological stability… vulgar language, and the list goes on.

12/26/2007 - 12/28/2007: You continue to persist, again citing “confusion” over the language of the order demanding I bring the children home for New Year’s. You flood me with emails again. It is also the first time you bring up the Pinewood Derby cars, knowing I am out of town, knowing that you had them for approximately 2-weeks, and again, deliberately setting me up to be the bad guy with no consideration for S1, who would also suffer if we can’t make it happen due to your inability to communicate.

“what time and where for monday? also, are you going to make the Pinewood Derby cars with the boys or should I have my dad do it?”

On 12/31/2007, I relent and explain to you the order again, in a polite, respectful manner. You respond with threats, false accusations, insults, namecalling, everything you always do, always have done, and it appears – always will do, including threatening more of your abuse via the legal system:

“total psycho for a father”

“They hate it there”

“You disgust me.”

“I'm filing for another hearing”

“You're a sick person”

“their SICK father”

“you're a sick sick person”

“I hope your holiday is ruined”

“Get help.”

“grow up and be a man!!”

“Get to a psychiatrist LM, you need help badly.....you need medication or something.”

1/2/2008: In response to my offering you to take the children a few days early so that you could celebrate and enjoy a full weekend with them comes your attempt to manipulate me into giving you the children earlier, this perhaps could be considered blackmail, which I’m sure the judge will appreciate:

“If you let me pick them up today and have them for the rest of the week I'll consider cancelling the hearing.”

This is clear evidence of you using the legal system to harass and manipulate both me and the children. Not good, PEW. Not good at all.

I’ve now grown tired of entertaining your mindless ranting and have sufficiently wasted all too much of my time to set you straight on reality. There have been several more of this variety since then, but this should paint a very clear picture of your “communicativeness” and “olive branch extending” efforts. Disgraceful. This will be the last time I do this as a courtesy to you. All future evidence will simply be brought to court since you can’t live without going in front of the Judge for no discernable reason whatsoever. I just want to live in peace. For someone that supposedly has a new boyfriend, you spend an awful lot of time trying to engage the ex-husband you left. If anyone needs psychiatric help here, it's you. Only I'm serious and not saying it just to be insulting.

I don't need any more of your communicativeness. Thank you.

~LM

------------------------------------------------------------

I want to send it. I won't. I will "send it" (figuratively) when it's useful - in court, as evidence of what I continue to have to overcome in order to have a peaceful, normal life with my loved-ones.

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The Only Thing I Love About You Is The 50% Genetic Material You Contributed To Our Son. I Hate You! - 2/28/2000

Has no man alive ever felt that kind of tender love and sentiment that I have experienced in my lifetime? *SWOON*

Today's episode comes after another 'special event or day' is destroyed by the borderline personality disordered spouse. Valentine's Day of 2000. The BPD often will sabotage special days or times because they believe themselves unworthy of such attention. Sometimes it happens on the day in question, which often happened on Christmas, or it would be done just before the day in question, destroying any plans you may have made to make her feel good. Every single year. Every single time. Another example of how not to appropriately handle hostile emails.

My notes on this one read: She called me on voice mail at work and told me that she was calling a realtor, we were selling the house and going our spearate ways. When I use the term "ambush" - I mean it. The call and its contents were totally unexpected. Again, she is attacking, insulting, and cursing me. This is one of the earliest times I bring up her dramatic mood swings. As I re-read this stuff, I often wonder what I would have seen had I been a fly on the wall in the home just before the call or instant message comes. I picture an agitated lion, pacing around a cage, waiting to spring an attack on someone...

PEW: Just so you know....
LM: The answer is no to all of the demands that you voice mailed to me.
PEW: I never had any emotional problems until I hooked up with you. none of my former
lovers/boyfriends/husband ever layed a finger on me... screamed in my face...
LM: Your mood swings are scaring me, but until we get things worked out, one way or the other... we ain't making any stupid financial moves, so save your phone call with the realtor, they won't be permitted to do anything without me. Save your weekly tirade, PEW, you are wasting keystrokes.
PEW: you are such an asshole LM
LM: The fact remains, that you are only seeing what you want to see, and you are not seeing reality, not even a little bit. It is clear in what you say. It is clear in your actions.
PEW: i hate you so much we are not going to work things out because there is no way to turn this around
LM: There is no way because you have failed to give it a chance.
PEW: i hate spending time with you as much as you hate spending time with me
LM: You have failed to open your mind to accepting certain things... like I am not infallible.
PEW: the only thing I love about you is the 50% genetic material you contributed to to our son. i hate you
LM: Stop it, PEW.

(Sick. Sick and twisted, there is simply no other way to describe it. It's a torrent of hatred and insult that cannot be stifled. It usually drives right to the core of a human being. It is designed to injure your heart and your soul. This is the person responsible for the children 50% of the time. Prior to this past fall, it was closer to 65%.)

PEW: why...it aint ever gettin better for us ever. you think I'm unstable and that's why this is happening
LM: Because for things to get better, you cannot continue to dig a deeper hole with insults, accusations, and all of the rest of the unnecessary things that you bring to the table. PEW, I know that this is difficult to accept, but I do not know what else to think. I do not say it to be mean, but here you are, out of the blue, calling me at work to FIGHT.
PEW: OUT OF THE BLUE
LM: You make up wild and twisted shit about assumed motivations behind inquiring as to whether or not a cord unplugs... which I may very well have tripped over (to start) carrying it home in the dark. Out of the blue at work, yes. Nothing occurred today, yesterday, the week before, that warrants you calling me in work to fight. You tell me that you don't want my involvement on the baby's room, and then bust my hump for being reluctant... to go to IKEA to look for things for the baby's room.

(My neighbor had offered us a play-desk with lighted desktop. It couldn't come apart so I had to hoof it across the street in one piece and I asked my neighbor and dear friend if the adapter plug came out so I wouldn't trip over it. When we got home, PEW had another meltdown about why I asked her if the cord unplugged, assuming I was "dissing" a free gift when I really was simply looking out for my own safety.)

PEW: except that I am angry at the fact that for the umpteenth weekend in a row you havent initiated any plans for us to do ANYTHING ROMANTIC so while it may seem out of the blue...

(When confronted with reality - go on a tangent...)

LM: Last week, you told me I don't do enough around the house, and then admonished me NOT to do the laundry anymore.
PEW: i TOLD YOU TO TAKE CARE OF THE BABY
LM: This week, I have clearly added to what little I allegedly do, all of the things about which you complained, and you said that I have "done nothing differently."
PEW: NOT LAUNDRY i spend 24/7 taking care of the baby...i'd like to do something without him up my ass
LM: You have, in the past, complained that I spend "no time playing with the baby" and then, after I pounded home that I do, with specific references, changed to "okay, well, not enough time."
PEW: shut up

(Here her wires are getting crossed and in the face of reality - she can only muster a "shut up" before regrouping and unloading the next barrage of bullshit.)

LM: You say something like the above, when I have repeatedly told you to find something to do with people, friends, what-have-you. I know that you need "self-time" and you fail to take it time and time again, but bust my hump when you don't.

You say that I never, ever, ever initiate things like dinner, when I have, and do, though admittedly, not as frequently as YOU would like. You often want me to do things a particular way, without communicating it to me, and then, when not done the way that you didn't communicate, get mad at me because I didn't have the clairvoyance to predict how you wanted it done.

You always remember the one time I had something critical to say about something - not even directed AT YOU or YOUR WORK, (for instance, the dining room) without either acknowledging or remembering the overwhelming number of positives and praise that I gave you on said room.

I am CONSTANTLY trying to be genuinely lovingly physical with you, a pet here, a hug there, a head-rub over there, a gentle kiss and some reassurance, but to you "I never do it" or "I don't do it enough" despite it being several times daily.

I am admonished for not rescheduling dinner, despite being hesitant and waiting until things kind of got on an even keel. I thought that ONE WEEK after the fact, might have been a tad too soon.

I have acknowledged not being proactive enough on the snoring thing, with my deepest apologies for the poor nature with which I have handled the situation, am taking the steps now to correct it, but you still keep bringing it up.

(Here I am, 5-years into this disaster being defensive and thinking that reason, logic, and fact would sway her or stop her. It never did. It never does. It never will.)

PEW: yeah because I slept on the couch last night. look...i'm sorry about all of this.... i never should have married you in the first place....
LM: I know.
PEW: I should have known that first time we argued when I was living with Dxxxx and you were screaming and banging on the countertop...
LM: You really need to stop bringing up crap that happened so long ago. It has nothing to do with our current disagreement.
PEW: you live for being a pompous argumentative abrasive asshole. i should have known but instead I put you through all this and myself and now poor little S1
LM: You are bringing up yelling which has been significantly reduced and nearly eliminated during our disagreements... it isn't fair that you detour onto stuff that is long since passed.

(She is the master of bringing up ancient history as if it had any relevance. I'm surprised she didn't bring up some story about me forgetting to take out the trash sometime 4-years earlier or something.)

PEW: you are even more selfish than my first husband... there must be something wrong with me
LM: Yes, here is another example...
PEW: it's all fair
LM: Today, I am "even more selfish than your first husband..."
PEW: you have always been
LM: Only Saturday night, "I realize that you have given me so much. My husband NEVER even dreamed of giving me all of the kinds of things that you have..." So forgive me for using the term "unstable."

(More classic BPD - the "splitting." I always knew that all hell was going to break loose within 48-hours of such complimentary words. It was so disturbingly predictable that I would ask her to never tell me how great a person, father, or husband I was because of it. Morbidly, it was treated with humor, that is... my asking her not to compliment me... ever. Looking back, I guess it points to the desperate measures I had hoped would stifle the next rage...)

PEW: yeah well...I'll admit i'm sort of confused right now...
LM: But this flip-flopping back and forth with such high-drama in the course of 48 hours or less, on many topics, is becoming quite difficult for me to understand.
PEW: one minute I think..it would be better for all three of us if I just medicate myself into thinking I could do this for another 30 years
LM: That isn't the answer, either. I just want to get to the bottom of this extreme hatred you have of your husband, when, I can't conceive of anything that I have done to you that would warrant such a strong negative feeling from you. No amount of laziness, real or otherwise, can justify "hate."
PEW: yeah well...i will maintain always and forever that you and only you push me to this point by just being selfish and lazy

(More BPD traits - it's always someone else's fault. I push her with my selfishness and laziness. Read on as I detail just how selfish and lazy I am... after all, how DARE I DO THE FUCKING LAUNDRY!!! I'll bet most guys reading this blog complain about getting bitched at for not helping out around the house. Top that, Chief - I get bitched at for doing laundry!)

LM: No amount of "not initiating romantic dinners" can justify "hate."
PEW: i like that "real or otherwise" it's your CONSTANT ARGUMENTATIVENESS. always always always have to be right...always always have to tell me why i'm wrong always
LM: I work 40-50 hours per week, take two major college classes, write an essay per week, 5-15 homework assignments for English, 5-10 computer exercises, + 3 activities, and 1-2 essays for computer class, plus all of the reading, play with my kid, love my wife, do SOME amount of housework, both inside and out... yet, I am lazy and deserving of your "hate."
LM: See above to show why I wrote "real or otherwise."
PEW: see...it's all about you

(It gets like a nasty game of tennis, volley... back and forth... volley, and then she gives you this wicked drop-shot that just breaks your ankles...)

LM: This is all about me showing you that the things that you say about me aren't true... and "see... it's all about you" is another example of you turning it into something it isn't.
PEW: poor LM poor poor fucking LM. that's selfish. you're trying to guilt trip me now. selfish fucking prick
LM: You make all of these accusations, and then when I demonstrate to you the things that I do that cannot justify the term "lazy" you write, "see, it is all about you." It is as if you have justified in your mind, that you can blast me with all of these things, then, when I try to point some things out to you, it is me "being selfish" and it is "all about you."

(end)

And just like that, she turns off instant-messenger and goes back to her cold, dark internal hell after successfully dragging me into it.

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