The Psycho Ex Wife

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LM & DW,

I found your site a couple of months ago, and it is like a breath of fresh air!  It is so reassuring to know that my husband and I are not that only ones trying to carve out a decent family life while dealing with the non-stop craziness caused by a completely psycho ex (I refer to her as the EBM - evil birth mother).  My husband and the EBM have an adorable son (SN).  I love this little boy and enjoy being a stepmom; we have a very strong relationship and since I met him when he was very young he doesn’t remember me ever not being around.

My husband has been submerged in court drama since before I even met him.  The core issue has always been that the EBM would consistently deny my husband’s court-ordered visitation, including refusing to allow SN to accompany us for vacations as specified in the court order.  She felt like SN belonged exclusively to her and therefore it was always completely up to her when and if my husband was allowed to see his son.  She does not take the law seriously and is unfazed by court orders.  She desperately needs to be in CONTROL and pursues that end at all costs, even when it is blatantly harmful to SN.  It’s heartbreaking, really, what SN has been through.  If my husband would ever object to the EBM denying visitation, she would threaten to haul him into court — which she did follow through on nine different times: a variety of trumped-up abuse charges (once complete with a false witness that she hired), a fraudulent police report that she forced SN to “sign” (at age seven!), baseless restraining orders, and consistent appeals for increased child support (my husband pays substantial child support but as neither the EBM or her lazy husband prefer to actually get a normal job, they apparently feel entitled to more handouts from us).  It’s insane.  Sometimes I feel like the EBM is truly out to ruin us and we spend our lives trying to defend ourselves from all this crap.  So far, thankfully, we have been successful in court, as the EBM tends to fall apart under cross-examination when she cannot keep her various lies straight.  (We also have a very good attorney.)  Eventually the judge dismisses/denies her claims, of course after we have spent thousands of dollars on legal costs.  To say that this has been stressful for us is an extreme understatement.

After years of this pattern, it became clear that SN desperately needed a stable parent in his life, and the only way that my husband was going to be able to be involved in his son’s life would be to head back to court.  So, we finally turned the tables and took the EBM to court, on contempt of court charges for her consistent failure to adhere in the slightest to court orders regarding the time SN is supposed to have with his dad.  Of course this process took well over a year — and I don’t even want to think about how much money — before it finally got to trial a few months ago.  Fortunately for us, while this was all in the works, the EBM’s husband’s “career” as a drug dealer came to light (not a surprise to us).  We had the whole custody evaluator ordeal, which I am happy to say went substantially better for us than the horror stories I’ve been reading on your site. I guess we were lucky.  The evaluator recommended that my husband be given sole legal custody, and 50/50 residential custody, which is, in fact, what the judge ordered.  This was a huge positive step for us (and for SN), since previously SN had been living with the EBM full-time and seeing us every other weekend (or less, if the EBM denied visitation which she often did).

So anyway, the last few months have been delightful as my husband is finally getting to parent his son.  He is such a great dad!  We have settled into a great family routine and SN loves it.  SN is thriving in a home environment characterized by peace and order — where “the rules” do not change from day to day, nobody yells, things are clean, and everyone is respectful and kind to each other.  So the first month after court went pretty smoothly.  (I guess the EBM was temporarily mellow after getting her butt kicked in court.)

However, sad to say, the tranquility has not lasted.  The EBM is just basically a really bad parent.  I know she has some psychological problems, and I feel sorry for her, but I hate it that SN has to live half the time really in complete chaos.  SN is consistently tardy to school during his weeks with the EBM, even though the school is just a couple blocks away from her house.  She also pulls him out of school way too often (for any number of reasons, such as her having an appointment), without giving my husband the option of taking him to and from school if she cannot (which we would gladly do).  Just today we received a note from SN’s teacher letting us know that the EBM was 40 minutes late picking SN up from school yesterday.  This is completely unacceptable, and totally undermines the progress we are making with SN to help him focus better and really apply himself to his studies.  He is doing better in school since the custody change, but it is so sad to see him beginning to grasp the concept of taking pride in trying hard and doing good work when he’s with us — only to have all that eroded the following week when he’s back with his mother and all her chaos.

As sole legal custodian, my husband is supposed to make decisions regarding SN’s schooling, so I’m thinking that the EBM shouldn’t be allowed to keep SN out of school so much without my husband’s consent.  She has also violated the court order in a couple of other ways recently, including canceling a doctor’s appointment that my husband made (the appointment was for my husband to take SN to the pediatrician during SN’s time with us).  We made the appointment two months in advance and did not find out that the EBM had cancelled it until the day before; at that point it would be another eight weeks before we could secure another appointment.  Even though the court order clearly states that medical decisions are to be made by my husband, the EBM resents this and will apparently take any and all possible steps to block my husband’s involvement, even though doing so is clearly detrimental to SN.  She doesn’t care, because in her head it’s all about HER.

So my question is, what can we do about all this?  Talking with the EBM does absolutely no good; we’ve tried that and she goes into meltdown mode and rants and raves and swears and then hangs up the phone.  We are documenting everything carefully, and my husband thinks the only thing we can do is continue documenting and then once we have an overwhelming amount of documentation in a year or so, take her back to court.  That’s probably where all this is headed, but I am very concerned about SN having to live like this for much longer.  The EBM’s interference with his schooling is particularly concerning to us.  Any advice would be welcome.  Sorry this has gotten so long!

~Juliet

………..

Romeo & Juliet,

I’m not sure I’d wait for a year’s worth of evidence before taking action. I say this because SN’s performance in school could suffer tremendously in that time and, if the lateness and absence continue to be a chronic problem, issues of truancy could arise which could cause problems for Romeo as well.

If she is pulling the child out of school without a legitimate reason (excused absence) - that’s enough of a violation of the sole legal custody provision of the court order to be worth taking her to court for contempt. You’ll obviously need to demonstrate the dates SN was out of school and the reason why he was out of school, which may prove difficult.

The other option is to go for a modification of the custody order that includes a detailed right-of-first-refusal clause that encompasses not only custodial periods - but issues like you describe with the school. It should go without saying, but all-too-often with PEWs, anything that isn’t said isn’t real. You may need to specify in the court order than SN is not permitted to miss school without a legitimate reason and that in the event something for the PEW comes up - Romeo gets the call, the custody, and the responsibility for ensuring SN is taken to school on time.

Readers?

~LM

I was reflecting in Thanksgiving Reflections Part I about one of the lowest lows I have experienced in my life. It coincided with Thanksgiving 2004.  Thanksgiving has also seen some of my highest of highs.  In 2005, there was some drama which I’ll cover at another time.  With Thanksgiving right around the bend, I want to recall Thanksgiving of 2007.

The details of what transpired in the fall of 2007 are covered in my post Thanksgiving Comes Early.  November 2nd, 2007 would be the day that I finally managed to get 50/50 custody.  Full shared parenting.  Though it came at considerable financial expense, I can tell you after a full year of this arrangement, it was worth it.  It was worth the heartache.  It was worth the tears.  It was worth the debt.  How we managed to get to that situation would be a long, dramatic road.  It would also be the last time I would see the inside of a courtroom - a streak that is still alive - and one that I hope will continue.

My family was getting together for Thanksgiving after a hiatus in 2006.  Good times.

I had the children for the second time (last time in 2005).  Good times.

It was a full house at my brothers and a wonderful, wonderful holiday.

S1 was really excited for the holiday season.  He had prepared a poem that he had written for a school project.  After prayers, he had the floor in front of a house that had no fewer than 40 guests.  He stood in front of everyone and calmly read it.  It had the usual Thanksgiving themes, but also closed with humor about saving room for dessert.  It was a big hit and his face beamed with pride (as did mine) as he was met with applause and laughter prior to us all sitting down for an amazing meal. I still smile at the photos and the memories that are relegated only to my brain from the holiday season positives that were so many.

This Thanksgiving, though it is without my children as it is PEW’s year - I reflect with a huge smile on how far we’ve all come.  This year, we are going to my brother’s again.  This year, DW, SS1, and SD1 will be part of my family’s Thanksgiving festivities.  Our crazy life has been full of successes and failures.  Yet, we press on.  DW and I love and support each other in ways that I hope all of you have the chance to experience.  While it will never be as easy as we dream - we make the best of our lives and our respective custodial arrangements… work arrangements… travel arrangements… the craziness that PEW often throws our way.

We are thankful for everything that we have.  We are thankful for the hopes and dreams for ourselves and our children.  We understand that there are countless numbers of people who would actually give a lot to have the craziness, love, hopes, and dreams that we have because they have it so much worse than we do.  We pray for all of those people.  We pray for those people who manage to have it so much better than we do.  We hope and pray for all that the future holds for them better and brighter things.

The bottom line is this, and I know it’s not easy for a great many in this world - but I hope that each and every one of us, no matter how bad or good we may have it, have something about which to smile and give thanks for.

I thank all of you who follow this blog for putting in the time and effort to read it and make your contributions through comments and emails.  Your feedback is meaningful.  Your thoughts and ideas helpful.  You help us more than you could possibly know.  I hope that we do the same for you.

To all - Happy Thanksgiving. May your futures be full of happiness, health, and successes in all you do.

Approximately 4-years ago to the day is when I had the opportunity to read the conclusions and recommendations from custody evaluation #1.  I was out of town at the time and recall talking to my attorney about the contents.  While I wasn’t deliberately misled, he didn’t deliver the extent of the lopsided custody recommendation to me.  You can see it in an email I sent to my family at the time…

Folks,

While I don’t have the full details as yet (I’m out of town) - I spoke to Lawyer1 this morning and it appears that the evaluator has gone with a recommendation of continued joint custody. I’m slightly disappointed as you know I have genuine concerns over PEW’s mental health status (which are genuine and not malicious). And yes… while not entirely surprising, I’m somewhat surprised at the recommendation given that the evaluator has clearly disregarded:

- The whole break-in situation and the upset it had caused everyone.
- The acceptance of the PFA based upon that situation.
- The fact that PEW didn’t turn over the firearms in a timely fashion and was called to court on a contempt charge.
- Her irrational behavior and reactions in two separate joint sessions in front of the evaluator (of which you only have my word that it happened as described).

Further defying explanation is the specifics of the recommendation which offers:

- During the school year, I have them 3 of every 4 weekends of each month 1 extra weeknight during that week following a weekend I don’t have them. (Continuing pretty much a 50/50 arrangement).

- During the Summer, the situation reverses to her having them as described above.

- Each getting 2 weeks of “vacation time” with them.

The reason this further defies explanation is that, given current living arrangements, it allows for them to be cooped up inside PEW’s apartment on 3 of 4 weekends in the Summer instead of at their home with their friends, neighbors, family, and yard. Further, it goes against the evaluator’s own position regarding “daycare” (not beneficial for the children) because the reverse arrangment for the Summer means that they will be in daycare all week long. But I guess I’m not the paid professional evaluator.

Finally, barring some unforeseen circumstances that will convince me I can keep the house without jeopardizing my financial future, I will be signing the consent for divorce and risking that the outcome is that I have to sell the house. I simply can’t keep this up for 18 more months and paying PEW $200/month in APL… that difference is just making it too difficult to make ends meet.

I will speak to Lawyer1 this week or the beginning of next week to discuss her “counter offer” which was 50/50 net (based on a new appraisal) - or, if we go to court, they’re going for a bigger amount 60/40. I don’t think that they have a shot, but then, the evaluator’s recommendation doesn’t make the best sense, either… so who knows.

Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement. It has meant a lot to me… not sure if I tell you all often enough.

If you want/need to reach me before Wednesday night… call me on the cell.

Love,
LM

The panic wouldn’t set in until I read the actual content of the report (previously posted). What I wrote above wasn’t the case and it was so much worse. The above was calm, resolute, and appeared to be a “minor setback.” When I read the actual report, my email to my family was angry, confused, and quite frankly - scared.

Folks,

Details…

I’m in shock. I was warned that I could experience an “anti-father” situation, but I thought in the 20 years since father-bias was a “given”, things had changed for the better to some degree. I was wrong, apparently…

After reading the details of the evaluator’s report, I am absolutely shocked that it was such a one-sided hatchet-piece against me. I don’t know what to do except I am going to try to work something out with PEW regarding a modified arrangement of current or see if she wants to take it to custody trial where I can attempt to defend myself against the decidedly one-sided report that the evaluator has filed with the court.

While “making note” of PEW’s concerns, particularly noting her contention (without support) that I have a “hair-trigger temper” and crap like that, she conversely makes little or no mention of things that I had expressed concern about. I wasn’t allowed a copy but make notes of a couple of things that the evaluator writes, without specifying context:

“The father clearly has control issues because he expressed a strong desire to be the primary decision maker for the boys.”

She made that assessment on the following exchange between her and I in the very first session where she asked me what I wanted from the expected custody arrangement TO WHICH I responded (paraphrased as I don’t recall the exact words), “I’m concerned that my wife has a touch of bipolar disorder and her increased agitation and aggression towards me has me concerned for her ability to make decisions that are in the best interests of the children. I believe I am in a better position to make decisions regarding schooling, church, doctors, and situations like that, at this point in time, than PEW.”

From that, she writes that blurb which clearly paints me as a control-freak and doesn’t deliver the context in which I expressed the desire. NOR does the evaluator make mention of the following issues in her report:

- The incident from September where PEW broke into the house causing a great deal of upset to me, and most especially the children over the better part of two days. Situations that required me to call the police twice to de-escalate a couple of situations.

- The Restraining Order which was accepted by PEW without contest. The evaluator pushed it aside as “lawyer posturing” and not as a factual issue that actually occurred.

- The fact that bipolar disorder is in her family and I have a concern that PEW may have something, too. All I ever asked for was for her to see a professional and she hasn’t… and also expressed the possibility that I could be wrong, but the symptoms and support I have for them would very strong indicators.

- PEW’s unfounded accusations, several of which the evaluator saw fit to note, while not noting many, if any, of my concerns over her antics, NOR documenting actual acting-out behavior on PEW’s part in session in front of said evaluator.

The evaluator further asserts that I “had a temper when angry with the mother” and “when he became frustrated, showed anger towards the mother.”

It appears that the evaluator uses “frustration” and “anger” interchangeably and the two are not synonymous. I expressed frustration, but at no time did I express anger towards PEW. I can think of two times where I expressed relatively controlled frustration:

- She was reading from a list of complete fabrications, including that I’m drunk, drugged or otherwise incoherent every time I call the boys and can’t be understood… that I must be abusing drugs… that I physically abused her on a regular basis… (a whole host of complete fabrications… not simple embellishments of truth…)

- When she claimed that I was using the children for my own financial gain, I expressed that I was unwilling to sell the house outright because the children are happy there, go to school in the district, have friends in the neighborhood… and was trying to work something out that wouldn’t involve selling the home, etc. and that a judge ruled in my favor regarding the schooling issue in August.

- Failed to mention that during one of the joint sessions, I agreed to a joint-custody arrangement having suggested two options: a) That we reversed the current arrangement and I had them during the weekdays and PEW would have them over the weekend. b) that we agree to come up with another arrangement that would allow me a “weekend or two off” because I had hoped to do some part-time work, perhaps even with [brother], to assist in making ends-meet and provide for the boys. Both were flat-out refused by PEW on the spot… and yet there was no mention made of this in the evaluator’s report.

So, there is no context, just mention of “anger and frustration” with no explanation… for either!

It was so horrible. Currently, I have the boys 50% of the time (sometimes a little more), and it is typically Friday thru Monday morning… plus every other week I keep them until Tuesday morning. The recommendation is a bit worse than I thought offering the following:

- During the school year, I would get them from Friday after school until Sunday at 7:30PM. 3 of 4 weekends per month. That off-weekend week, I would get “1 dinner visit” (NOT an overnight).

- During the Summer, it would be the reverse, however, instead of PEW getting a “dinner visit” the same way, SHE gets an overnight.

- It further recommends that the children go to school in the district in which PEW resides… this is conflict with a previous judge’s ruling regarding where the children are to go to school.

The report paints PEW in a completely positive light… makes no mention of my genuine concerns nor of her unusual behavior and acting out in two of the sessions. It also notes that PEW has tailored her schedule to the kids needs. *I* am the one who has done that and my boss can attest to that fact! I told this to the evaluator and she makes no mention of that fact in the report! The fact is, PEW changed her work schedule to current to maximize her support payments when I refused to pay her 50/50 support when I had the kids 65% of the time in April and May and was going to have the 60% of each month during the Summer (until she wasn’t going to get the maximum from me)! Only then did she change her schedule to her current one. That’s a fact.

On the whole, it painted me as an angry, frustrated father whose sole purpose was to hold up this process because PEW wouldn’t agree to either of my two property settlement proposals.

So, while all the advice I was given was to not paint the opposing party in a bad light… it seems that PEW’s approach, which was to paint me in a bad light… worked. The report is written entirely from (near-ex’s) point of view… and if I wasn’t a reasonable thinking adult… I would almost bet money that PEW wrote the report. It truly parrots all of the accusations PEW made during our sessions without expressing any of my concerns. Furthermore, beyond citing a positive interaction with the boys during the one session when they had to be there (and the boys expressing their love for me) - there was hardly anything positive to point out about me despite my offering a rather compelling load of information to the contrary.

So, this wasn’t really a draw now that I’ve had the chance to read the report word-for-word… it was clearly a loss and could only have been worse if the recommendation was for me to be an “every other weekend” father.

Still, I know I have so much to be Thankful for… so very much… it’s just disappointing to know that my kids lives will be uprooted again… another change of home(s)… another change of school… and very likely a decidedly more difficult upbringing.

Shocked is an understatement… I am just blown away at the total disregard the evaluator had for my concerns… and especially confused that she would go so far as to recommend against what a judge had already determined to be better for the kids during a trial over the school situation where we both presented a case…

…perhaps I should look upon that as a potential positive… even though they typically lean hard on the reports - perhaps a case in front of a judge will be met with more objectivity than the way the evaluator chose to handle it.

UPDATE >>> I had spoken to PEW about revisiting a modified arrangement and she refused because she “had to spend a couple thousand dollars to deal with the custody evaluation and since I didn’t agree to (her) terms before that, (she) wasn’t inclined to change things now.”

So, the best I can hope to do is call into question the evaluator’s absence of objectivity and facts as I presented them in the sessions and hope that I can be compelling enough to have a judge consider ordering a joint-custody arrangement.

Keep me in your good thoughts and prayers. I’m gonna need it.

~LM

During my review of the report, my lawyer quite ominously informed me that the court puts a lot of weight in the custody evaluator’s recommendations and “almost always” goes with what the CE recommends. That started me on a very frustrating negotiating effort for both the children and the property settlement. In my mind, I had “lost” everything. Anything more than what the CE recommended would be a win at this point and that’s what I went with.

On top of that, in response to the second email above, several in my family asked that I stop giving them a “blow by blow” of my situation because it was more information than they needed to know and they frankly didn’t want to hear so much about it anymore. So on top of that devastation, those I was using as support and venting wanted to back off (understandably, I suppose) from all the drama. I was going to have to deal with all of this myself.

It would also be my first Thanksgiving without the children. Needless to say, it was an emotional time for me. Since I didn’t want the focus to be on what I was going through, I managed that lump in my throat the best I could. When I couldn’t, I removed myself quietly to my brother’s garage, hid behind a car, and bawled my eyes out one or two times during the course of the day. I would recover, clean myself up, and return to the party. One time, my sister-in-law (my oldest brother’s wife) noticed me sliding out and came into the garage after me. I remember the time vividly. She didn’t say much besides expressing her understanding. She hugged me and just let me wail and whine for a bit. For that, I thanked her and won’t ever forget it.

It’s tough under such circumstances to be “thankful” for much of anything. I was depressed. I was pissed off. I was worried about my future and the future of the boys. Hardly worth celebrating or giving thanks.

While Thanksgiving 2004 was a sorrowful, troublesome time for me… the Thanksgiving Holiday would “give back” to me. I’ll share that tomorrow with Part II.

Dear LM & DW,

How do you not lose your own sanity when dealing with a greedy PEW, her Napolean-complex attorney, and a biased mediator?

PEW is claiming that DH owes $3,000 in camp fees for SS7 from 2 years ago.  He already paid.  He showed the mediator the canceled checks.  The mediator’s response?  “PEW and her attorney aren’t budging, just pay it again, it will cost you more to go to court.”

She’s asking for $1,000 per month for childcare paid to her (on top of the $35K per year in child support) as she no longer wants DH to pay the childcare provider directly.  First, childcare is $350 per month, not $1,000.  Second, PEW receives $100/month childcare subsidy from her employer, which she refuses to deduct from the $350 and pockets.  Third, he’s been paying the childcare provider directly for 3-years.  The mediator’s response?  “The $1,000 is a soft number, she’ll settle for $800, just pay it, it’s cheaper than going to court.”

PEW wants $200 per month for SS7’s tutor.  Huh? SS7 does not have a tutor.  His school has not recommended a tutor.  He’s an above average student and he does not need a tutor.  The mediator’s response?  Yup, “just pay it.”

On the other hand PEW has not reimbursed DH approx. $1,500 in expenses he fronted that are PEW’s responsibility under their divorce settlement.  The mediator’s response? “Just eat it, you make enough money.”

~Frustrated

……….

Dear Frustrated,

The short answer is - you go to court. Seriously. The mediator is not doing their job. They’re very likely not following the court order(s). They’re also very likely not following the state guidelines, though you didn’t tell me in which state you reside. The mediator is a party to what comes awfully close to extortion. They are both taking your money and spending your money based upon your household income. It’s unethical and the mediator should be fired or otherwise removed from the case if you have such recourse, in my opinion.

The longer you allow this to continue, you can certainly bet that it will continue as no one has anything to lose by continuing to take the lazy-way out and still collect a paycheck because, “you can afford it.”

This is definitely one case where I would absolutely suggest that you spend your money on the attorney to make sure that the state guidelines are followed to the letter and the court orders are followed similarly. In a case like this, I would gladly give the money to the attorney to have everything enforced the way it is documented either via state statute and/or court order (whether we agree with the statutes & calculations or not).

In the long run, the mediator is incorrect. It will cost you far more in the long run to listen to his/her advice than it will to tighten everything up in court, I’m sorry to say.

~LM

A wonderful lady I follow on Twitter made a comment the other day about seeing so much misinformation online about Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD’s and how a lot of people blame the BPD’s for their actions/problems. I have disagreed with this woman before, mostly because she comes from the side of helping BPD’s and not from my view where I’m dealing with a BPD in daily life, one who won’t get help. It really is a different world when you can walk away from a BPD and go home.

I certainly believe BPD’s deserve help, I just don’t believe it is my job to help our BPD.  She is not my family, though she is the Mother of my Stepchildren. If I believed for a moment that she was open to therapy and receiving help, I would be right there pointing her in the right direction  She is not. She surrounds herself with negative advocates.  If someone believes there is something wrong with her or that LM is not a horrible person, they are immediately kicked out of her life. That’s her prerogative.  My job is to protect my children. I simply don’t have the time or energy to try to make her life better.  That is HER job and the job of those that love her. If they refuse to do that, the responsibility is not passed onto my doorstep.

That said, I don’t blame PEW for her illness. I know it’s a result of abuse she received as a child. I know her mental ability is that of a 6 year old in terms of dealing with stress and problems. However, SHE and ONLY SHE, has the choice to get help.

She has stated for years that she is having breakdowns, wants to commit suicide, can’t handle daily life, wants to live with her parents and be taken care of, and yet says that her Father should get the help because he is the one that “fucked” her up. It would be nice if he did get help, but that would not change PEW’s behaviors.  It would not change the fact that she was abused.  It would not change the abuse she is perpetrating on her own children. So yes, I do hold her accountable for the actions she takes while suffering from BPD.

The problem with BPD’s is that everything is someone else’s fault. They twist events in their head to fit how they feel.  It’s part of the disease. They lash out to avoid being hurt. While it’s the truth that they do this because someone hurt them a long time ago, they still must take responsibility for their actions. It may come across like they are being blamed, but that’s really not the issue. I look at it as a classic legal issue where a schizophrenic stops taking their medication and commits a violent act. Yes, they committed the act because of the schizophrenia, but they made the choice to stop taking their medication. They are responsible for the action - stopping the meds - making them responsible for the violent act that resulted.

Our PEW plays the blame game all the time.  If she knows she is at fault at all, she is sure to say, “We are BOTH to blame.” She can never take the “blame” because then she would have to change. Maybe therapists get hung up on the word blame or fault when they should focus on responsibility. Our PEW has eating issues and is teaching her son the same problems. Is it her fault she has eating issues? No. Is it her fault she is teaching her son? Yes.

Honestly, I’ve never dealt with a BPD that has chosen and received help, so my viewpoints are from the other end of the BPD spectrum. Unfortunately I see more and more of this issue in the world, not just with BPD, but with adults and children everywhere.  No one is made to take responsibility for their actions anymore. There is always an excuse.  They were abused.  They weren’t loved enough.  They didn’t receive the right things, down to the lowest of lows where a child kills another child over sneakers or a coat. Everyone is responsible for their actions. BPD’s are responsible for their actions.  If they aren’t, then who is?

~DW