The Psycho Ex Wife

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Every once in a while, something happens that makes me cranky for longer than a few minutes. The last few days would include one of those instances.

During a short exchange regarding getting the children this week (right of first refusal issue) - PEW did what I’ve described previously as either letting me know she knows something she shouldn’t (always nothing major, just enough to let me know she’s stalking) or tips me off about something she has planned, which is always helpful to me with preparation.

The latter - I’ve already discussed. She’s planning on taking a run at more child support when the year since the last order is up - October. It’s kind of a big deal in that even though the risk of an increase is small, the amount I know it could increase will end up being a substantial burden (a few hundred bucks). However, it could go my way, which would result in a reduction of a few hundred bucks. At least I have the time to prepare and get my paperwork in order. She’s probably suffering from significant withdrawal symptoms given that we haven’t seen the inside of the court room or conference room since November of 2007.

The other thing was a bit more of a shock to the system. In terms of the big picture, it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. However, the reality that there was only one way she could have come about the information is alarming (and a Federal crime, if only there was some way to prove it).

She made a less-than-nice reference to the place we rent where I work including some specific detail about the exterior. Now, below the surface, it might indicate that she came onto the property. However, I’m not convinced that happened. She could have simply come into the knowledge given a description of the residence by the boys. In order to have seen the place for herself, she would have to drive up a 1/4-mile long driveway and past the main house (landlord’s estate) in order to see it for herself. That would take a lot of guts and risk. (Of course, the owners are aware of no gory details, so I imagine she would only have to say she made a wrong turn if confronted anyway.) DW believes nothing would stop her from crossing such lines. I suppose I do, too, after all, she went head-to-head with Judge Contempt with no qualms at all and engaged in heated debates with her. I can be strong-minded, but that’s a line I wouldn’t dare cross.

I’m considering taking a picture of her car, it’s license-plate and giving it to the property owner and telling them, If this car enters your property, call the police and have her arrested for trespassing. I’m on the fence about whether or not to do that. Our landlords are great and I don’t want to cause them any undo worry or, in a worst-case scenario, give them a reason to find new tenants.

The bigger deal was…

She wrote a sentence in an email that included a few words regarding a disagreement DW and I had over a minor issue earlier this year. While it was factually inaccurate, I think it was deliberately so. The point is, the knowledge surrounding the general issue was enough to send the message ‘I know something… I saw something… and I’m letting you know I saw it in a place where your security was violated.’ As the matter was discussed only between DW and I verbally and a few emails, there is only one way she could have come about the information. DW and I discussed it with no one outside of ourselves. No one. It means the only way she could have known was by being in an email account I have in which the discussion took place.

So, I immediately logged-in and looked around. I didn’t think I had saved anything and I’m usually very diligent about purging my emails. When I go into the sent folder, I see that the email doesn’t automatically purge sent items like some do. Going way back, I found ONE email that contained just enough detail for her to let me know she “had something” on me.

This disturbed me to my core. Not in that I thought she was beyond that, quite the contrary. I’m at fault for leaving a password on it that, while obscure, dated back to something that she could have guessed, even on a lark. I thought about “forgot password” options where you need to answer a few questions that anyone who knows you could probably answer quite readily. In this case, it resets the password, which means I wouldn’t have been able to login. We wracked our brains. It’s the ONLY way.

So, I’ve changed all of my passwords. In my reply, I tried a very roundabout way to try and coax an admission out of her so that I actually had a shot at taking some action. It didn’t take and I let it go because I didn’t want to prolong a discussion about something that was none of her business nor had any bearing on any issue that has existed or may arise between us.

I’m pissed that there is nothing I can do about it and that put me in a cranky place for longer than most things I usually just find a way to disregard or otherwise just laugh-off as more of her mindless, delusional ranting. That’s two felonies she’s committed and I either can’t prove it or simply don’t have the funds and wherewithal to pursue.

It would appear that no matter how hard I wish and pray she would just stop - she isn’t going to. Very frustrating.

LESSON: USE STRONG PASSWORDS. CAPS, LOWERCASE, LETTERS, AND NUMBERS, FOLKS!

Chances are, your ex-spouse or ex significant other knows what hospital you were born in, your mother’s maiden name, your first pet, the first time you shaved your ass, any school you’ve ever gone to, your grandparent’s first and last names, the first time you masturbated, your first car, your first job, etc. I wish that email systems would just allow you to do a password reset based on you answering your own custom questions. Dumbasses.

Dear LM and DW,

I’ve become a HUGE fan of your blog over the last 6 months. I check it religiously for updates and I am much inspired by the way you handle the situation w/ so much dignity.

The man I’ve been seeing for the past year has a psycho ex. She knows about me, but is as yet, unaware that I’ve met the children. We’ve operated on the principle that it’s none of her affair. She’s seen my car at his house on the nights SHE has the children, but we make sure it isn’t there on the nights he has the children. We’ve also told the children that they should feel free to tell their mother whatever they want or nothing at all. Whatever they feel right in doing. They have not told her (very telling don’t you think?).

The other night when he had the kids she called in a panic stating that someone was prowling around her house. Begging my boyfriend to come over and check. He did. No one there. Then she begged to come over to his house for a little while as she was so afraid to be alone (rolling my eyes). He agreed to let her as I’d already gone home (I really don’t want to stay over the nights he has the kids just yet). She stole my keys while she was at his house (we’d realized on the way to my house that I’d left my keys but figured I’d get them the next day).

As soon as she left he got a bad vibe and looked in the drawer where he’d put my keys and they were gone. She’s the only one who would have taken them. I filed a police report. The next day she told him the keys were in his mailbox and there they were. We figure she probably put them there on her way to work the next morning. So here is my question. I have my keys back, but I also have text messages from her stating where she put them. Which means she’s basically admitting to taking them. I know this is petty and stupid, and while I agree w/ the low contact road, I also think I should do everything I can to press charges. It seems to me that it would be the only thing she would respect. What do you think I should do?

She’s all about the drama. Always calling his friends and family and trying to stir things up. I’ve changed my cell phone number twice because of the text messages she sends. I just think at some point she has to know what will and will not be tolerated. And while what she did was juvenile and trivial, I don’t think it should be tolerated. Please help me!

~MS

MS,

Sorry to hear about your experience. While I’m not sure I agree that I handle(d) much of this with dignity, I do try to handle them as best I can for everyone involved. Here are my suggestions for you, keep in mind they are just coming from an “everyday Joe” - I’m not an attorney and I’m not in law-enforcement:

What she did was not juvenile and trivial.

- I’m not sure what the police would do in terms of arresting her or charging her with stealing your keys.

- WHAT I AM MOST CONCERNED ABOUT IS THAT SHE HAD YOUR KEYS LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE COPIES OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. That means she could have keys to your vehicles, your home, your workplace… and you should take steps to make sure that you are protected… I’d start with having the cylinders changed on your home locks and new keys issued.

- I would (strongly) consider filing a restraining order against her to keep her away from you and your home. The police may not arrest her for theft… but the theft of the keys, the police report, her admission via text message, and her returning the keys (and your fear that she may have made copies… which MUST be detailed, I know I would be in fear of that potential) - will very likely result in a restraining order being issued against her pending a hearing. Then FOLLOW-THRU. Even that sometimes doesn’t change their behavior, but it absolutely demonstrates that you MEAN BUSINESS. If you’re going to do that, I wouldn’t delay in taking action lest your “foot-dragging” be used against you to demonstrate that you don’t actually have that fear.

- Your beau needs to recheck and re-establish some strong boundaries. She is clearly trying to keep him in her life and he is allowing it. No more “over his house for a little while” stuff. He’s asking for serious trouble and he needs to be made very clear about that.

Good luck!

~LM

Regarding scheduling, aside from what had already transpired in June of 2004 regarding custody and filings, etc. - was this little gem of manipulative lying on PEW’s part.

Given that things hadn’t been finalized regarding custody, we were working on a sort-of interim schedule depending upon the work schedule. It was July of 2004 and my birthday was approaching and I had asked to have the children, mid-week, on my birthday overnight. Originally, she had agreed to that as she was hosting a party at her home for a few friends (more or less a social gathering) and so this fit her plans very well. Win-win. Right? Wrong! One of the many agreements unagreed to along the way which prompted “the greatest custody order/agreement clause” many years too late, but in place now nonetheless.

Later, I get this:

LM

Regarding Weds night. I was having a get together at my place…..but I’ll probably just put it off because I miss the boys too much as it is. It’s not worth it to me to try to have a social life if it means I won’t have them here.

The next two saturdays also, I’d like to have them, since you have had them these past two saturdays.

~PEW

I know I probably should have argued harder for the time, but didn’t because I knew it wouldn’t lead to a change. A week later I would discover that what actually happened that night is she still had the party. All she did was drop off the children to her parents for an overnight stay rather than let me have them for an overnight stay on my birthday, that’s how much of a spiteful scumbag she actually is. I called her on it, having quoted the “I miss my children so much” email:

PEW,

That’s a really great story, but in the future, particularly on my birthday, rather than put the kids in the middle of a lie (unbeknownst to them), spare me the sob story about “missing the kids.” It’s not about the kids for you… it’s about ensuring that you get enough “equal nights” to maximize your payout.

Additionally, if you’re going to keep the kids overnight on a Saturday Night, don’t keep them if you’re going to wake them up at a ridiculous hour and deliver them here at 7AM, unfed, and in their pajamas just so that you can claim you had them “another overnight.”

Neither situation was fair to the kids, nor was it in their “best interests” as you often like to say. It’s only your financial best interests you have in mind - next time, try thinking of the kids. Thanks. I hope you had fun at your party.

~LM

She didn’t like it too much.

LM,

Listen, I put the kids to bed on Weds night and when they woke up I was there waiting for them. WTF is your problem. You are the one who only wants them to avoid having to pay any money. As for Sat. night, we had a great time, we played games, we colored, we watched a movie. Don’t give me this shit because I let them sleep instead of waking them up. Are you not capable of pouring a bowl of cereal. What are you drinking or something?? Email [my attorney] from know on with this bullshit.

PS I have a feeling that you were drunk last weekend in front of the kids. Were you crying poor LM in front of them. I hope you are watching yourself.

~PEW

Obviously, this triggered her “false accusation” mechanism. I still wonder how her twisted mind can just up-and-out with such stuff. Interesting how she justifies what she did by claiming (probably falsely) that she was there to put them to bed and there when they woke up in the morning. She probably did what she usually does - dump them on her parents - go get drunk while having a party - sleep in and then go get them the following day when she decided to get herself out of bed. That was more important than them spending dad’s birthday with him.

Her penchant for alienating the kids and interfering with custody time will eventually get worse before it gets better.

PEW,

Oh, I’m not mad or harassing. I simply asked that if you are going to take the kids in an effort to ensure the maximum monthly stipend… be sure to drop them off fed and dressed, even if it is at an extra-early hour.

I also asked that not use them to cover lies.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Thanks.

~LM

Looking back, I have to applaud myself here for ignoring her accusations and just sticking to the matter at hand. A rare example. It wouldn’t last… lol…

LM,

I did not use the kids to cover lies. I asked you if we could switch off nights so that if I wasn’t able to have them Weds I could have them another night…..you said NO. I tried to cancel my previous engagement but was not able. What lies are you talking about? It was MY night. I put them to bed and I was there when they woke up…….there’s no lies. If you had asked me, I would have told you, but since you didn’t tell me that you brought your mom up to babysit overnight I figured, My nights are my nights and your nights are your nights. This will all be worked out in court. Spare me. You just don’t want to pay ANYTHING. Everyone knows that, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Also, in the future I will go into work late rather than imposition the kids. I didn’t think it was a big deal for you to give them breakfast. Sorry.

Now I have a favor to ask of you. Do not tell S1 that he is going to have to have his appendix out if he doesn’t eat vegetables. Also do not call him fat or let anyone else criticize him about his weight. Thanks so much.

Also, you should be seeing someone about your bitterness and anger. Do you need a name?

~PEW

How laughable is it that she “tried to cancel but couldn’t” - a social gathering at her own home? And “if I had asked her, she would have told me.” Why would I have asked her? She said she wa
nted the children because she missed them, exactly what reason would I have had to ask her, Gee, PEW, on my birthday, are you just going to drop them off at your parents and have your party anyway? What a jackass.

She seemlessly strays off-topic in order to escalate things. It’s a habit I had gotten so used to and would engage that it would never give me a second thought. Just defend defend defend explain explain explain. Suckered again.

PEW,

The evidence of payments to you and for things that you were responsible prove otherwise, and the van you’re driving… As do offers to you which have been rejected while you don’t lift a finger to get the matter settled. But hey, if you need to tell yourself and others that to maintain your support system, by all means… you do that.

However, several things you have done since this matter has started would say differently despite your pontifications otherwise.

Try to operate in reality. Thanks.

Oh, and I’m neither bitter nor angry. I just expect you to do right by the kids. I wouldn’t dream of dropping them off to you in their pajamas and not fed. It’s not unreasonable for me to request that you show the same respect.

Thanks, again.

~LM

…and ’round & ’round we go!!!

The email conversation headed off in another direction so I’ll post that another day.

Okay, time to jump back into the time machine as we’ve just started down the divorce/custody path. July was relatively uneventful, but I still did get nasty emails and voice mails. I suppose I put her in my block list on instant messenger which would account for the lack of IM ambushes during the summer.

After one particularly nasty voice mail message, I called back and told her I wouldn’t reply to such nastiness anymore. She followed with an email:

LM,

I received your VM message. Are you serious? Disrespectful? I told you that you’re a liar so you’re going to get a restraining order? Seriously? I wasn’t even angry on the phone.

Here’s how things went down….the facts. You need to check yourself.

I asked you for a divorce over 3 years ago when I was pregnant with S2. Then I asked for a divorce about 5 subsequent times over the following 3 years. You told me “No, I’m not giving you a divorce”. I went to the counselor of your choosing, both Dr. M…… and Dr. P…… I went to individual counseling. Only to realize that I couldn’t fix what was wrong between us, especially since you weren’t willing to change because you self diagnosed me as being “mentally ill” because I use too much electricity or whatever your reasons are. Maybe because I asked you to do a little housework or something.

Anyway, here we are 3 years later. I was hoping I would be able to stick it out until the boys were older. Maybe I should have, who knows? This isn’t where I want to be in my life right now, but when you decided that you “deserved” a motorcycle…..that’s when I decided that there really was no use in punishing myself anymore. I made a mistake. I married someone who loves money and things more than people. I’m trying to correct that mistake. I’m finding out exactly how “right” I actually was all this time. You want to be the primary custodial parent so that you don’t have to pay support. I know it, you know it, [your lawyer] knows it, [my lawyer] knows it, everyone in both of our family knows it……the judge will know it.

You need to do a little soul searching…..if you have one. I love the boys and I know you do. I want to co-parent with you. I want an amicable relationship. I used to want to be friends, but I’ve let go of that notion completely. I can’t be friends with someone who would put money in front of his own children.

Get a grip on yourself, PLEASE. I’m pissed and rightfully so. You have been holding me hostage for years and YOU KNOW IT. Maybe that’s why I seem mentally ill do you. Also if you keep saying stuff like that, I’m going to ask [my lawyer] to look into slander charges.

~PEW

Mmmhmmm… the facts:

- She was her usual nasty self via VM. No one has bigger voice mail and email muscles than PEW.

- She claims to have gone to a counselor of my choosing. She didn’t. She refused to go and I went to counseling on my own. When her paranoia about what was being discussed in those sessions became too unbearable, she decided to come and tell “her version” of the truth. When confronted about some of her issues by both - she quit.

- All of her claims about “money and things” are absolutely projection on her part. I can still hear the reason for the divorce: “You don’t make enough money, I don’t have enough things, and therefore, you just don’t treat me right.” I kid you not.

- She would often claim co-parenting, wanting to be friends, wanting to be amicable, all the while doing the exact opposite every single step of the way.

PEW,

Do not harrass me by phone or I will take appropriate action. I have no objection to your being pissed off at me for any reason, legitimate or otherwise. I will not allow your verbal abuse to continue any more.

If you want to vent at me, do it via email. If you call me and are disrespectful and abusive any more in the future, I will take action.

That is all I have to say on the subject.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

~LM

LM,

You need to outline for me what it was that I said that you considered “verbal abuse” because historically anything that is in disagreement with your opinion is “abuse”……please elaborate. I was not abusive to you on the phone. Your hystrionics need to stop. You screamed in my face for the past 10 years now all of the sudden, me calling you a “liar” is me abusing YOU?

~PEW

I should have replied, “When you open your mouth.”

PEW,

I will not outline what constitutes verbal abuse. As I said in my VM, I will now record every phone conversation we have. It has nothing to do with you calling me a liar and everything to do with the name-calling and the wild accusations you levy at me with no foundation in reality.

If you continue to do this, particularly via phone, and especially if you call me in work to do it, I will record the conversation and take any appropriate action I can to see that it stops.

I don’t harass you in work. I don’t harrass you at home. I expect the same in return. Stop initiating fights.

~LM

Do you see a pattern here? (From BOTH of us?) Oh, do I wish I had learned about low-contact in 2004 instead of 2005.

In yesterday’s post… OOPS! …I Did It Again, PEW was baffled, as usual, by the children’s reaction to my taking them a few days early. What I actually said was much different from what I wanted to say. It… is relegated to a FANTASY EMAIL REPLY (a.k.a. “emails written and unsent”)

PEW,

Here is the bigger picture.

For the most part, they get pretty much everything that they want with you. They don’t get that with me because some of the things that they get/do/engage in with you are not appropriate in my view. I can’t control that. They get WWE. Vacations that you can’t afford while being at risk of losing your home. They stay up too late on school nights. They get to see age-inappropriate movies. They get toys, games, action figures nearly every time you go to the store. Get get get, want want want. They’re not responsible for cleaning up after themselves. They don’t have to get exercise. They get to play videogames for hours on end and watch television for hours on end. They don’t get effectively disciplined. They essentially get to do whatever THEY want, almost all the time (if not - all the time). The list is virtually endless.

I teach them self-discipline. Personal responsibility. Respect for themselves and others. Teamwork. Good sportsmanship. That they cannot be quitters. I MAKE them engage in activities that will teach them very important life-lessons in addition to fun stuff… especially when they think it “sucks” or just “don’t feel like it.” Give a 7- and 9-year old the choice between “all fun and games all the time” and “in addition to fun and games, I have to learn things and help others and do chores” - they will choose “all fun and games all the time.” I’m an adult and that would be my choice, too.

But the biggest reason of all is this: When they whine, cry, and throw temper tantrums when they may have to do something that doesn’t suit their whims - your typical first course of action is to appease them without any real thought. That’s why they freak out. When they do - you immediately jump to their defense or try to find ways to satiate their desires because it’s the quickest way for you to get them just to shut up without “having to be the bad guy.” You said it yourself just the other day. That’s your biggest concern and that’s your biggest problem.

Unfortunately for you - you still haven’t realized that every situation isn’t all about how to make the children have their way. You will continue to be manipulated in that fashion until you do.

~LM