The Psycho Ex Wife

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The 2nd-half timeline from 2004 continues from Timeline 2004 - Part 1.

In August of 2006, I had submitted to my attorney #2 a “timeline of events since the divorce process began” to try to get her up to speed. I also tried to coordinate this timeline to refute PEW’s oft-repeated contention that I didn’t care about the kids, just the money… an assertion that was clearly projection and could be supported specifically or through “circumstantial evidence” of her conduct (and the timing thereof).

The following timeline demonstrates the chain of major events and summarizes the motivation behind each. You will notice that PEW is consumed by continued negative engagement of me as she was throughout the course of our marriage. You will notice that the benefit of the children is secondary to the benefit of PEW and her desire to continue abuse and harass me as well as do things solely for her own financial benefit and my financial detriment.

• July 15th, 2004 – She contends that I want to be the primary custodian to avoid having to pay support. This, despite voluntarily giving her money until the details of the support order are worked out. Despite the fact that I wanted to do whatever was possible to maintain joint custody and keep things as normal as possible for the children. My position changed due to her increasingly aggressive behavior and the surprise notification that she had filed for custody of the children. Over the course of the next year – she often complains about money.

• July 23rd, 2004 she brings up the issue of sending S1 to Catholic School. I don’t agree with such a change, particularly since she and I agreed back in February and PEW registered him… that it was a good idea. Shortly thereafter, she filed for an emergency hearing on the issue. PEW initiates litigation.

• July 26th, 2004, I complain again (this time via email) about PEW dropping the boys off at 7AM, in their pajamas and unfed. She needs to do this to get to work on time but cannot afford to lose the “overnights” for fear of losing the child support. She responds unkindly. The issue was, she didn’t keep them overnight. She took the children, went out to a party, and left the children at her parents’ house. This is the extent that PEW will go to in order to minimize my time with the children and ensure she gets credit for overnights.

• July 26th, 2004 her first mention of switching to full-time day shift and mockingly mentions how much extra I will have to pay in support to her.

• July 31st, 2004 - I express to PEW that I was bothered by the fact that she took the children to see a PG-13 rated movie. Keep in mind that S1 was 5 and S2 was 3. The movie was Spiderman 2 and the level of violence and other adult situations were not suitable for young children.

• August 16th, 2004 – I send her an email about giving the kids ice cream before dropping the children off to me in the afternoons. It was becoming a daily event and it was undermining my ability to teach the children to eat right or even get them to eat a meaningful dinner. In a phone call response, she reacts harshly calling me names, as usual and telling me that she can do whatever she wants to make the kids happy.

• August 17th, 2004 – We have a short hearing regarding custody and are ordered to go through a custody evaluation. It’s at this time that PEW changes her mind regarding going to a full-time day shift, which is important to note as she uses her “availability during the full week to be with the children” as leverage during the custody evaluation.

• September 1st, 2004 – Court hearing before Judge K— regarding where the children will attend school. Judge K— ruled in my favor after hearing the details of the circumstances and S1 attended [Something] Elementary school as planned. S2 was “permitted” to go to pre-school at St. [Catholic School] if we agreed with that. We did. I return to work that morning. PEW left the courtroom extremely angry.

• September 1st, 2004 – While at work, hours later, I’m in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we’re doing in [another country]. My cellphone rings and I look at the display… it’s a phone call… from the marital residence. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It’s PEW. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. She claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that’s that. Unable to talk her out of leaving, I call the police, explain the situation and tell them that I am heading home and wish them to be present for the discussion. Discussion, cops, discussion… the police inform me that there is nothing they nor I can do to get her out since she’s on the deed (no settlement yet). She can stay. So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we’ll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. The children were present for all of this. S1 and S2 think that we’re “getting back together” and even begin telling all of the neighbors that we’re “getting back together to be a family again.” This was a very difficult ordeal for the children to experience.

• September 2nd, 2004… I speak with my attorney, who suggests that I file a Protection From Abuse Order. I explain to him that I don’t think it’s a good idea, tell him about the suicidal overtures discussed by PEW the previous night, and tell him that I was afraid that doing so might push her to follow-through. Further, given the nature of her work, filing one could result in her losing her job which would put further pressure on her. Later, I go to the police station in [town] and describe the conversation that PEW and I had the night before where twice she made references to “wanting to end it all” and “if I lose these kids, I dunno what I’ll do, probably kill myself.” I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home. We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait… she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard… and she announces she is moving back out. I get upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her… I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them “DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!?” and she is unrelenting. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the police again… (there is still nothing that they can do). While waiting, I asked her if she had brought the
firearms that she stole from me (today was one of the many promised dates of the return of them). She then made the threat about the guns. During our exchange she informed me that she didn’t break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney. The police arrive and they tell me that there is still nothing they can do, not even about the firearms because they are “marital property” as far as they are concerned.

• September 3rd, 2004 – Due to her behavior and attempt to start a physical confrontation, I feel I am left with no choice but to file the PFA that [my attorney] suggested the previous day. I follow-though on that. (Later, PEW would tell me that her actions were suggested by her attorney.)

• September 8th, 2004 – Hearing on the PFA. Prior to going to trial, PEW’s attorney makes an offer to settle the matter and agrees to turn the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department immediately. I get exclusive possession of the home, very specific exchange details, not stalking, abusing, harassing… and the well-being associated with the fact that, given her suicidal discussion, she will no longer be in possession of the firearms. Sometime over the course of the next two weeks, PEW informs me that Sheriff’s Deputies have been at her apartment looking for her and she asks me if I know what it is about. I discover that she hasn’t turned the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department and that a bench warrant was issued. My understanding is that she had to go to court and explain why she hadn’t complied with the order to turn over the guns. Apparently, no sanctions were levied and the firearms were eventually turned over to the police.

• Between September and October of 2004, we attend multiple custody sessions with [Custody Evaluator 1]. She doesn’t want to review the evidence I have brought regarding PEW’s abusive behavior and inability to parent the children effectively. She doesn’t even consider nor does she want to talk about the circumstances surrounding the break-in at the marital residence with the children and the subsequent PFA, dismissing it as “lawyer posturing in a custody case.” PEW accuses me (without any evidence whatsoever) of being physically abusive, a drug abuser, an alcoholic, a philanderer, among many other things. In November of 2004, her recommendation comes in an it effectively relegates me to 6 days per month (during the school year), the children to go to school in PEW’s school district (despite Judge K—’s previous ruling). Part of her decision hinges on the understanding that PEW’s work schedule affords her full weekdays with the boys and the belief that my only reason for wanting custody is because PEW wouldn’t agree to settle on the house.

• November 2004 – On the advice of my attorney – I begin to negotiate with PEW for a more even custody arrangement. He tells me that the court relies “heavily” on the recommendation of the evaluator and that there was no possibility that we would be able to overcome her recommendation. Effectively, if we went to court, I would more than likely get what [Custody Evaluator 1] recommended. So, I followed his advice. Given the fact that this ruling effectively eliminated any chance of keeping the marital residence for the children’s sake and the sake of the best logistics for PEW and I to manage coparenting, we agreed (initially) on a 50/50 arrangement and to put the marital residence up for sale agreeing to split assets 50/50. This occurred on or about November 29, 2004. At some point during this time, PEW pays, on her own, to have the house reappraised. The appraisal comes back some $18,000 higher than when it was appraised in the Spring. She makes new demands based upon the new appraisal (more money) and it’s a figure I cannot accommodate.

• November 30th, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out between one another on assets. She decides that she wants the van and additional cash of $5000.

• December 2nd, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out for custody and asks for “more time” to reconsider before I have my attorney draw up the paperwork. She complains about her legal fees and how she feels she deserves more money. PEW threatens to initiate litigation. She regularly uses [Custody Evaluator 1's] custody recommendation as leverage to alter agreements between us. Whenever she didn’t get her way, she used filing for custody and using [CE1's] recommendation as a threat. This would continue over the course of the next month or so. At the end of this email exchange, she again agrees to the terms we had previously discussed on both matters.

• December 10th, 2004 – PEW informs me that [my attorney] will be getting back the agreement with some “minor” changes. One issue – instead of alimony ending immediately, she demands that it end when the divorce decree is entered so that she can continue to collect more money.

• December 16th, 2004 – I find out that the “minor” changes included reducing my time with the children from 50/50 to where I had them only 11 days per month (maximum). Additionally, she wanted me to pay alimony until the divorce decree was obtained (money). Further, there were addendums for me to pay for car repairs, essentially warrant the car she chose to keep with $5,000 cash for 90-days. I protested but was met with threats of litigation and use of [CE1's] recommendation, so I complied believing that 11-days was better than 6-days per month. She also said that it was not about money, it was about logistics and that she had no intention of filing for a support modification if that was my concern. (Shortly after the agreement was entered, she would do JUST that.)

• December 28th, 2004 – She sends me an email complaining about the Mercury in the snow and blaming me for her decision to take the car and the cash.

• December 30th, 2004 – More car complaints. First threat to take initiate a modification of support in the aftermath of our agreement because she deserves more money.

After starting out the first year of this mess with a “win” on the school issue (my attorney was excellent during that hearing), I was hopeful. However, my hopes were crushed as every step of the way I started to realize that not much had changed since my parent’s divorce. I truly felt I had lost before I ever got started. The horrible experience with the custody evaluator only emboldened PEW to make ever increasing demands. As a result, my fears over total financial devastation and loss of the children increased dramatically and I was left scrambling trying to make the best of what was now a very bad situation - only getting worse. All the while, PEW was flexing her new found leverage with the Custody Evaluator’s Report to continue to beat me into submission.

LM & DW

Hi. I had contacted you over 6 months ago regarding our own PEW.

I am once again reaching out for help. Since our last e-mail to you, we have become engaged and plan to be married in 6 months.

Everything had improved for a while - we were doing parallel parenting and discussing NOTHING over the phone (since it’s not documentable means of communication). We had stopped responding to her e-mailed rants and only responded with bulleted texts or e-mails regarding relevant matters on his three sons (9, 7, and 5). I guess she didn’t like that very much, because 2 months ago she got a court-appointed parent coordinator. What might have had the potential to be a helpful situation has crashed and burned. The coordinator insists that the SMALLEST matter be solved in a face to face meeting between her, my fiance and the PEW. The PEW, craving contact with my fiance, relishes this and is constantly trying to bring up defining my role with her children, asking what the legal role of a stepmother is, etc etc. The parenting coordinator, who I am guessing was dumped by a husband in the past, indulges the PEW and will literally yell at my fiance. He has to go or he will be held in contempt of court. If he requests a new coordinator, there is a chance one could be a appointed that has binding decision-making authority. This one doesn’t have that (Thank God).

The latest extravaganza is her telling my fiance through e-mail that their oldest son has been crying a lot lately and has been writing very dark and disturbing writings and artwork. He immediately texted to speak with her over the phone (since that is an emergent issue). She calls, and begins to say how the 9 year old wants to break everything in sight, “including our marriage”, and that he’s “suffering” because of us getting married, and that she has disturbing artwork and writings from him. My fiance asked her 5 times to provide him with these. She hedged each time. He has now asked her for 3 days, and all she will respond with is “I think he needs therapy, so if you’d like to sit down and meet with me……”

I am afraid she is going to hide behind a blown-out-of-proportion 9 year olds concerns about his father’s remarriage to dictate whether I should come to school functions, sport functions, what my role should be, whether the kids should come to the wedding, etc etc

By the way, when this child is with us, it is all smiles and happiness, no tears, many drawings of us as a family with rings on my hand and my fiance’s hand, cards saying ‘I Love You,” etc……

Any advice you could give on this matter would be greatly appreciated. We don’t know what to do.

Thank you,

ADK

…..

ADK,

Again, I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I know it’s no great solace, but your experience with the Parenting Coordinator is not as uncommon as you may think. I’ve seen stories eerily similar to yours.

Like many of the players in the divorce and family court arena, there are those with inherent biases, experiences, thoughts and solutions that simply don’t fit a high-conflict personality such as your PEW’s. These idealistic people believe that everyone is an adult and if we could all just sit down in a room together and speak rationally, there would no longer be problems.

Unfortunately, in your case as you’ve described it - your PC is facilitating a dangerous situation. Your PEW having unfettered access to your DH will never go away. It is the antithesis of “LOW CONTACT” and will forever be the vehicle by which she can maintain and even escalate her reign of chaos on the entire family.

Further, your PC is clearly overwhelmed by the situation, biased, and most importantly - completely unprofessional.

My advice: Fire the parenting coordinator. Regardless of the risks involved with the next one, this one is doing you two no good and is further making difficult your lives with her lack of helpful problem solving, lack of professionalism, and abusive tactics. The PC has literally become the negative advocate for your PEW.

My fear would be that by allowing this pattern of experience to continue, you end up in court, and the PC provides substantial support for PEW and contends that you are the difficult ones.

In closing - as for the “stories” about the 9-year old… I would disregard them unless you hear or see for yourself that such behavior is manifesting itself with him. Keep your eyes on the situation. If I had a nickel for everytime The PEW said that the boys “cried hysterically” and “hating going to you” - not only would I be rich, they wouldn’t have as much fun nor appear to be the normal, well-adjusted kids that they are when they are with me. It’s another weapon used to make you two doubt yourselves. Don’t let it work. Talk to the boy. Tell him that you hear he is interested in art and writing and ask him to tell you about it - even share some with you. That’s how you find out what’s going on with him. Certainly the PEW is only going to paint a picture of worry, blame, and fear - even if it’s complete fiction. Don’t get sucked into the madness. Avoid her efforts to keep a high level of contact with DH. I have a 9-year old. They can be spoken to. They do respond. They will share with some kindness and patience.

Maybe the readers will have some more suggestions that may prove helpful or even better than my thoughts. As always - wishing you the best possible outcome.

Sincerely,
LM

Yes, it’s a brutally long title, but it is a quote from July 27th, 2004 from the PEW. I would say in light of the circumstances that have transpired and continue to transpire - warranted it’s use. A little, very nasty part of me is going to want to forward this back to her some day. Of course, that might make me as nasty a little bitch as she was for sending that to me, mightn’t it?

LM,

I could certainly say the same about you. If you had worked on the marriage and not sceamed in my face AGAIN. After the 100th time I said if you did it again, I’m leaving you. We’d still be together and the kids wouldn’t have to shuffle back and forth….would they? So, if you had the kids best interest at heart, you wouldn’t have screamed in my face on New Years Day AGAIN!! I know I know….you didn’t do it, right?? You’re still in denial LM. Look in the mirror.

Am I not doing the right thing by the kids by working a 2nd shift job full time. I certainly couldn’t have supported myself and them on $550.00 for 3 months huh? They don’t go to day care everyday. I’m not the one trying to send S1 to public school because that’s not the best place for him. I reiterate…..get HELP.

You just don’t want to pay ANYTHING. Everyone knows that, you’re embarrassing yourself.

~PEW

It’s July. As she almost always did, she dug through her archives and brought something up that has no relevance to the matter at hand. Again, her horrifying, abusive behavior is not subject to criticism, only instances where she wraps herself in the cloak of victimhood.

The other thing that is worth mentioning is that I had already started paying child support without an order to ensure that the kids needs were met at both homes. Further, remember that I bailed her out on moving day when she had the movers do all the work and when they asked for payment prior to unloading - she didn’t have the cash. Can you say (again) PROJECTION?

She immediately followed-up with…

LM,

And again, don’t tell S1 he’ll need his appendix out if he doesn’t eat vegetables. Also don’t get drunk around them. OK?

~PEW

Both false. And to this day, I still can’t figure out how she manages to pull such dung right out of her ass. Scary, mere accusations like this have an influence against a father in court. Expect them. Prepare to be accused of every evil, despicable thing you can imagine and then some.

Which was immediately followed-up with…

LM,

As far as your assertion that I have not lifted a finger to settle things, I laugh….ha ha. I have said from the beginning that I want to have an amicable relationship. I would like to be friends. I want to co-parent our children in the best possible way imaginable. Then you refuse the joint custody, refuse to pay support, refuse to sell the house since you can’t afford to buy me out. Now we have to go through the whole [court-ordered evaluation] thing so that you can have a judge tell you that we will be having joint custody. But hey, if you have a couple extra thousand bucks laying around, I guess that’s what we gotta do. See you in court LM. I’ll be saying…..I told you so when the judge recommends joint custody. What are you thinking? Why would anyone award you primary custody over me? It’s not going to happen, it doesn’t even make sense. For all your insult slinging about me being “mentally ill” I have just as many examples of “your illness”

~PEW

“HA HA.” Jackass. She has/had never attempted an amicable relationship. She never wanted to nor tried to “be friends.” She filed for sole custody. I paid support, just not the support she wanted when I was primary custodian (in practice) - and at a time when she should have been required to pay me support. I refused to sell the house when I could buy her out and sold it when she repeatedly had appraisals done at a time when the market was red-hot. As the appraisals increased, her demands increased until I was priced out of keeping the home. At no time has she presented a single shred of evidence of any mental diseases or defects during the court of all of the hearings and all of the conferences. Just unsupported allegations of anything she could conjure up.

At no time during the last few years did she ever agree to joint custody. It wasn’t until it was ORDERED in the Fall of 2007 did she “agree by force of court order.”

Also, readers - never forget that quote: Why would anyone award you primary custody over me?
This is a firmly entrenched belief of many high-conflict mothers involved in custody disputes. It’s a common theme in our society and in family court. They know it. They use it. Too often, they get it.

Finally, I reply:

PEW,

Award-winning elementary schools… and when you factor in the money I gave you to get into your apartment and all of the other little financial responsibilities that you left in your wake… it was quite a bit more than $550.

[The children's] elementary school is a fantastic elementary school. This isn’t the [City] school system, PEW.

And spare me your revisionist history. What happened on New Year’s Day was that you accosted me on the way home from your parents at the mere suggestion that you father’s friend was selling a motorcycle. I didn’t scream “in your face.” I love it when you always fall back on that.

~LM

Reality was never her strong suit. Neither was math. The actual figure was somewhere NORTH of $1,200 direct, not to mention a bunch of expenses (like sticking me with a termination fee on her cellphone because “her, her sister, and her mom were getting consecutive phone numbers.” Ain’t that sooooooo cute?) No, that’s not a joke. You would think that these were pre-teen girls. Oh! That’s right. Mentally, that’s exactly what they are.

LM,

You advanced me the tax return when I moved. And what financial responsibilities are you talking about? I pay for the expenses for the van. I am paying the credit card. It was not more than $550. Please, spare me. You are a scary person. Your life hasn’t changed much over all of this, huh? Mine has. I now live in an apartment. I had to buy all new stuff. I had to start working double the hours to support myself while still caring for my own children FULL TIME, so that they don’t have to go to daycare. The list goes on. You are the most selfish, self serving person I have ever known in my life. Especially since you claimed during our marriage that they were the happiest years of your life. Did you lie? Because if that’s the case, this is what I deserve for giving you that and two beautiful children. Haven’t you taken enough from me. You took 10 years of my life and made them a living hell. Can I please have my life back?

~PEW

The victim continues to cry “poor me.” This is pure fiction. She was working 40-hours per week before she left, she was working 40-hours per week after she left. As for “caring for her children FULL TIME” - They were in school or pre-K every day the moment she could put them there. She was home most of the days WITHOUT the children present. Then, on the weekends, I had them (Fridays through Mondays) while she was working an insane night-shift Friday and double-shifts Saturday and Sunday. The amount of actual “wake time” with the children she had in any given week was approximately 16-hours. I had that on a Saturday. Full time my ass.

She was big on “caring for the kids full time.” Even after they entered elementary school, they were gone all day… in aftercare until she was done work… home, dinner, bed. Then, I had them every-other-weekend when I was relegated to NCP status… but she cared for them “FULL TIME.” Ever the martyr.

She was paying off her own credit card. She didn’t have ANY maintenance done on the van in the time she had it. Not even a single oil change in over 10,000-miles before I got it back from her. She absolutely did not “have to buy all new stuff.” We had a house full of furniture she could have taken from. The borderline’s ability to create and believe their own version of reality is uncanny.

PEW,

The few weeks over the course of 10-years where you weren’t descending into that angry, hateful, viper-mouthed person… were some of the happiest in my life. No, I didn’t lie.

I’ve taken nothing from you. You’re the one who wanted a divorce for, and I quote, “you don’t make enough money, I don’t have enough things, and you don’t treat me right.”

You’re the one who never appreciated what you actually did have, could never appreciate any gift, ever… and it was always about what you wanted, wanted to have, wanted to buy, which sisters-in-law had bigger rings than you, hocking the engagement ring… and the list goes on. There is a reason why you NEVER, ever wanted to establish a budget with me. You didn’t want the responsibility of being grown-up enough to save money to acquire the things you wanted to have. Lord knows I asked you often enough. You wanted to go into massive credit card debt because “all of your friends” had massive credit card debt. We only refinanced 7,000 times because of it, and the latter 3/4 of last year was yet another demonstration of your inability to control your spending.

Spare me that I’m the selfish one… never once did I threaten to “divorce” you if I didn’t get my way. You, on the other hand, that’s all you ever did.

You didn’t have to “buy all new stuff.” That’s an excuse to justify your compulsion to spend spend spend with no responsibility for the consequences. You just didn’t like what you had the option of taking and spent on the promise of a big payday by your attorney blathering on about how this is “clearly a 70-30 case.”

Please, stop pulling your “poor me” campaign on me. I’ve lived with you. Save that story for people who didn’t live with you and didn’t know the kind of things you pulled to get your way.

You can now stop with the repeated revisionist history emails. You’ve made your choice for divorce, so rehashing it all (yet again) to solidify your version of the fantasy in your mind is a waste of my time.

~LM

LM,

The only word that describes you is “liar” everything you wrote is lies. I lived on a very tight budget when we were together. I didn’t have nice clothes, nice furnishings, etc…..What was I buying in this compulsion to spend? You are whacked.

Anyway, time will tell which one of us winds up alone and broke and which one of us finds a healthy happy relationship. Time will tell. I say you wind up living alone…..with all your junk surrounding you like Fred Sanford.

~PEW

I have to admit, even today, I laugh at the “Fred Sanford” dig. It’s funny. Really funny if you are aware of who Fred Sanford is. If not, CLICK HERE.

As for the bolded part which is this post’s title, I can’t say that I won’t be broke, but the irony of this dig made 4-years ago given what is going on today is not lost on me.

This is then immediately followed-up by…

LM,

I did appreciate and will never forget the time I had when the boys were babies with them. And you helped that happen by not making me work full time. Thank you. That was the best time in MY life and that is what I try to remember when you make me angry. And I tell myself that you will never grasp what was wrong between us, so I just need to move on. You have no desire to improve yourself. For that I feel sorry for you.

~PEW

Oh, I grasp what was wrong with us. What more can I say that I haven’t already said, repeatedly, throughout so many of these historical posts? We r
an this circle so many more times than I care to count, it’s embarrassing.

PEW,

Don’t feel sorry for me. Get help. Clearly your tone and your continued desire to re-write your own personal history to make it seem like you weren’t completely VICIOUS to me on regular cycles is sad. Your repeated failure to follow-thru on counseling… is that a lie, too? Your constantly ruining holidays because you don’t get what you want, or didn’t like something you did want, or how you got it? That a lie? You didn’t hock the engagement ring for money while complaining that my brothers’ wives all had better rings than you? That a lie? We couldn’t look at homes in areas of interest to me because you would file for divorce? Was that a lie? Did we not move under penalty of divorce? Was that a lie?

Spare me, PEW. The truth is out there but you just don’t want to face it. When you didn’t get your way… you threatened. Others’ concerns or desires were always secondary to your own… and if someone else had a different viewpoint, you either ran away or threatened divorce.

Even your own friends know that.

Maybe you could get on with that wonderful life you envision if you would stop emailing me recreating the last 10-years of your life to suit your desire to validate yourself while convincing yourself that you never did any of these things… and do them often.

~LM

Period. End of discussion. Well, this one, anyway.

“Oh, My Spouse Would NEVER Do That!”

I hear this repeated a lot with my clients - especially those who are just entering into the divorce process… maybe even just talking about it or thinking about it, and haven’t actually filed or moved out or anything.

The sad thing is, going through a divorce changes people. It brings out emotions of a type and intensity that they have never before experienced. It brings out behavior that nobody expects or predicts.

For those of us who sit outside of the divorce and dispassionately view the behavior going on inside, the craziness seems quite expected for a lot of reasons. For one thing, the soon-to-be-divorced person is now dealing with a spouse who no longer cares what they think. So the inhibiting factor of the spouse’s opinion is now gone. For another thing, both spouses are both engaging in an arena that is unfamiliar to them, but they are each hearing counsel and advice from a completely different set of voices. One is hearing from their attorney, their mother, their buddy at work, their golfing partner who went through his divorce five years ago and got screwed over… and the other is hearing from their attorney, their wise Dad, their hairdresser who went through her divorce three years ago and got screwed over… well, you see what I mean.

So, it’s easy to believe that you should expect the unexpected. It’s just that it doesn’t fit your current perception of your spouse. It can be troubling at best, and terrifying at worst, to realize that there is a person out there who is determined to destroy you. In actuality they are determined to preserve all that they believe is “fair” as they come away from your former family structure. And the reality is, preserving what’s “fair” means taking it from you. It just does. It also means (from their perspective) protecting themselves against you taking what you probably believe is “fair” from them. What it often looks like is “destroy the enemy” - i.e., YOU.

What does the unexpected behavior look like? Here’s an amazing (partial) list:

• He emptied out the bank accounts without her knowledge so that her checks bounced, then pressed for criminal charges against her.
• She increased the limits on all the credit cards without his knowledge, then ran them up to the max and refused to pay them.
• He sold antique heirloom jewelry of hers and kept the money.
• She smeared hamburger juice in hidden places so the house would stink, thus preventing its sale; so that she could remain in it for a longer period of time.
• He hacked into her e-mail account and made it appear that she was sending threatening hate missives to the judge and opposing attorney.
• She went to his workplace and lied to his boss, saying he was addicted to porn and that she suspected he was using his work computer to view it.
• He listed the name of his mother as his beneficiary on all accounts - since the last name was the same, nobody ever suspected.
• She told all the neighbors that he was a pedophile… resulting in dozens of “good citizen” calls to Family Protective Services for charges that were completely fabricated.
• He bribed the children to steal property from their mother’s house, including all of her divorce paperwork.
• She confiscated all of the Christmas gifts the children had received from him, sold them and kept the money.
• He listed her car and other valuables for sale in the Classifieds at ridiculously low prices, along with her private phone number and the advice to “call anytime, day or night”.
• She provoked a fight, assaulted him, screamed as though she was being attacked, and then called 9-1-1 and reported him for domestic violence.
• He sued for 50% of the house she had moved into when they separated, knowing that she had purchased it with her own separate money, but determined to invoke community property laws to lay claim to “his half” anyway.
• She hid the children at her boyfriend’s house, then told the ex-husband that the kids had been taken out of state - thus enticing him to bring a kidnapping charge and making himself look foolish when she later produced the children unharmed.

This is just a partial list of some of the most heinous behavior imaginable. This doesn’t even touch the very common occurrences of property destruction, asset hiding, and parental alienation that also regularly take place during divorce. And, in each and every instance, that person was given a warning of what was likely to happen, and in each instance, their response was, “Oh, my spouse would never do that!”

You may be right. Your spouse, that person you fell in love with and married, probably would never do any of these things. But we are not talking about that person. We are talking about your soon-to-be-ex spouse; the one that is terrified, angry, disappointed, and ashamed. The one that is hearing the voices of a thousand advocates saying “get them before they get you”. The one that is responding to emotions that he or she never knew existed, and still is not fully aware of. The one that no longer cares what you think of him or her, because you aren’t going to stay married anyway. The one that feels awful, and believes that they will only feel better if they have scorched the earth behind your sorry remains.

Gentle settlement is always the best way. But gentle settlement doesn’t mean leaving yourself a sitting duck, waiting for your trust to be violated by a person that you no longer know. Gentle settlement means hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. And yes, that means assume your spouse WOULD do that… and prepare to prevent it from happening. A good divorce coach can both sound that warning, and show you ways to forestall the bad behavior. And that is what allows healing and recovery to follow.

Peace.

About JB:

Collaborative Divorce Coach, Mediator, Family Mediator, Parent Coordinator, Communications Coach, Facilitator, Public Speaker, Instructor, Group Discussion Leader, Cognitive Psychology Aficionado, Life Management Training Assistant…. Absolutely passionate about protecting children from the ravages of divorce! Also — coaches, teaches, and consults in the online world Second Life as avatar Andi Martinsyde, at Reliable Divorce Consultants.

See all my blog posts at: thedivorcecoach-am.

I was sitting here in my office, staying late today, and laughing about the start of my day.

I’m staying late today because I arrived late.

I got up early to a fresh pot of coffee. As I poured the hot, steaming cup of morning goodness in my boxers and t-shirt, the sun was gleaming through the trees and I decided I would enjoy my java out on the patio… in the work state… no children… no DW. What a glorious morning. GLORIOUS.

As I pull the door shut behind me, something doesn’t quite feel right. I never lock the handle when I’m home. Only the deadbolt. Somehow, I manage to lock the handle and there I am in all of my boxer-shorted, bed-headed, t-shirted beauty. The van is locked. The keys are in the house. The windows I can readily access are closed. The phone is in the house.

I stand there with “that look” on my face. A walk to the nearest phone I could use is easily an hour and who am I gonna call? The property owner’s numbers are in my cellphone. I’d be arrested by the time I got there anyway!

As I walk down my drive I am relieved to see BOTH of their cars still in the driveway towards at the main home. A rare thing indeed, even at the early hour. Despite my first intuition being …they’re staying in for some morning love… I approach the door and knock hard.

When no one comes to the door despite two cars and several open garage doors, I’m certain that they’re engaged in the throes of passion.

So, I knock again and again. Not so much as a stir from within the home.

I resign myself to the fact that people are going to wonder why I didn’t show up for work. No call. No note. No nothin’. They will panic when I don’t answer my phone. Maybe they will call the police.

I sip my coffee in my boxers and t-shirt contemplating my next move when a carload of people - one of the landlord’s “crews” - pulls up and sees me standing there. I grin and say, Have any of you seen Mr. Landlord or Mr. Landlord?

(Laughter from the car and a wry smile from the driver, now reaching into the bed of Mr. Landlord’s trunk.) Lock yourself out, eh? You’re brilliant there, Chief.

They tell me that they’re walking their dogs along the road down by the farms and should be back shortly.

So, I sit on my wall and await their arrival… 40-minutes later… in my boxers and t-shirt. They laugh when I bid them good morning and they obviously know why I am standing dressed as I am. We make small talk about the summer and Mrs. Landlord comes out with the keys and we walk back up to my place and go through them one-by-one until we get the correct one.

I email work and let them know I’ll be about an hour late. Hey, at least they weren’t in the middle of a hot lovemaking session!

I was lucky they were actually home. I’m also very lucky that they’re such great people.