The Psycho Ex Wife

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Now don’t be confused! After the events of this week falling under the label “2008″ - I’m heading back in time again to the 2004 events. This was PEW’s itemized list of things that she wanted from the marital household. Most of this is mundane, but other parts are worthy of some fun commentary.

March 22, 2004

Here is the list of the items inside the house that I would like to have:

kitchen

Kitchen table and chairs
New pots and pans (my mom gave me for Christmas)
Roasting pan (also a gift from my mom)
Mixer
Toaster oven
George Foreman grill
½ of the glasses, coffee cups, flatware, etc….
refrigerator (possibly)

Keeping in mind that she’s moving into an apartment, I had to laugh at things like “the refrigerator.” Her list of major fixtures wouldn’t end there. Also notice the “gifts from” family list. Not unreasonable at all, but interesting considering the other items she suggests she “left” for me.

dining room

a few of the crystal serving trays
table linens
my mother’s china
my collectables

No problem. Pay particular attention to “my collectibles.”

living room

the palm tree
lamps
desk and chair

That’s flat out cold! No place left to sit… no plastic flora and fauna… and completely in the dark!

master bedroom

the bedroom set including the mattress
my dolls
mother and baby statue
little tv and vcr

DW would tell you today that she would have been happier if I had let that go! It was one of those bridge & tower bedroom sets with the large mirrored headboard (lighted) by Thomasville. (It’s currently used for storage in our garage. She hates it.) It was roughly a $5,000 bedroom set that I got at an auction for $35! Yes, I really did. I suppose no one else at the auction was prepared to move that monstrosity.

More of her “my” stuff (collectible dolls). Not a big deal… yet. In addition to the bedroom television and VCR, she would ask for the family room television and stereo, effectively leaving me with no home entertainment whatsoever. No sense of entitlement there… and quite the sense of fairness, but of course, I OWED HER - given the alleged hell I put her through.

kids room

toddler bed
dresser
fish tank
futon

Leaving a single bed and nothing else for the kids. Nice. At the time, they would be with me more than 50% of the time.

spare room

quilt rack

Whatever!

family room

ladder back chair
lamps
stereo system or TV (one or the other)

The stereo system was mine before we got together. The television I had paid for with the proceeds from a contest I won. And of course, she’s taking all of the lighting again!

laundry room

the washer or the dryer

What?!?! One or the other? Why not both or neither. I never did understand that considering that few apartments (in her price range on her earnings) would having anything less than laundry facilities on-site or a set in the unit itself.

garage

a lawn mower (possibly, depending on need)
my bike
½ of the camping stuff
a trash can

Again - bizarre. The camping stuff? She never went camping nor had a desire to do so. Aside from that, all of the camping gear was given to me by my father!

backyard

brown sand box
grill
patio chairs

Where was she going to put a sandbox, patio chairs, and the monstrosity that was our grill at the time?

Miscellaneous

½ of the kids toys including any toys in the garage and attic
½ of the Christmas decorations and other misc holiday decorations
½ of the remaining antique light bulbs or dollar value
½ of the fan collection or dollar value
½ of the Hess trucks or dollar value
½ of the board games
9mm handgun
½ of any other collections that are in the house
digital camera
old camcorder
½ the DVD’s and movies
the computer my parents gave me for the kids

While having plenty of things on her list of “wants” that were either gifts to me from my family or owned before she was ever a part of my life, you’ll notice how she specifies what are her collectibles or given to her by her family.

Things that were “my” collectibles that she would want half of or half the “dollar value” included the items I’ve already cited and… the Hess trucks… the collectible antique bulbs and fans… the antique board games… any of the guns (which I owned prior to our getting together)… Christmas decorations (in part)… but that’s not the end of the fun and monotony. She’ll list the things she’s left for me…

This leaves you with the following:

Kitchen

Copper stuff hanging on the walls
Dishwasher
New microwave
Dishes
½ the flatware, glasses, coffee cups
coffee maker

The dishwasher and microwave were mounted fixtures which couldn’t be removed anyway. She is “leaving” those things for me. Thank goodness she was leaving me the $20 coffee maker. I’m surprised she didn’t ask me for a 10-spot “half value.”

The “copper stuff hanging on the walls” were used as decorative items. They were only old, rusty, tarnished baking molds.

Who the hell still says “flatware” anyway?

dining room

dining room set
your mom’s china
your grandmom’s stuff
½ the serving trays

Lucky me… she is “leaving me” the dining room set which I had owned well before we got together, my mom’s china, my dead grandmother’s knick-knacks, and half of the plastic bullshit serving trays.

What the hell do I need with serving trays anyway?

living room

sectional
table

FINALLY! Someplace to sit!

spare room

bedroom set

The bedroom “set.” Which consisted of a queen sized bed, mattress, box-spring… and nothing else. That’s not a “set” - it’s a frigging bed.

kids room

lamp
S1’s bed
Little table

Cool. Maybe the boys can sleep on top of one another when they’re here.

Master bedroom

Filing cabinet (less my stuff that is in it)

How can you not laugh at this? A cheap-ass sheet-metal filing cabinet (2-drawer) that I think I bought at Bradlee’s when I was 16 years old. That’s it!

Office

Computer
Printer
Snack tables
Lamps
Paper shredder
Desk
Sofa and chairs
TV, DVD combo

Computer - mine since before marriage, printer - a toss-away from work, snack tables (who cares), a small $10 desk lamp, a country style wooden love seat and chair I got at a garage sale… and I made a mistake earlier - she would leave me the 9″ television. (No, she wouldn’t - she took that, too.)

Family room

Sofa and love seat
Tables
Bar
Tv or stereo system
DVD player and VCR

The sofa and love seat had holes in it from the dog and the antique dry-bar I was storing for my mother. Gee, thanks!

Garage:

Your bike
A lawn mower
Tools
Trash can
Other stuff

A trash can, my bicycle, and my tools. You can’t get any more fair-minded than that.

Misc
½ of the kids toys including any toys in the garage and attic
½ of the Christmas decorations and other misc holiday decorations
½ of the remaining antique light bulbs
½ of the fan collection
½ of the Hess trucks
½ of the board games
your other 2 guns
½ of any other collections that are in the house
your cameras
new camcorder
½ the DVD’s and movies
humidor and cigar collection

Notice, I don’t get to keep half of her collectibles, but I get to keep half of mine. She likes to puff up her list of things she’s leaving me but listing “other stuff” and “any other collections that are in the house” - as if there were anything else. It just gave her the appearance of equal line-items. I was pissed that there were such other valuables like: “things, more stuff, junk, whatever is left in the trash cans, food, water.”

Humidor and cigar collection? With few exceptions, they were gifts given to me. That would be like me putting on her list…

- Your cigarettes.
- Half of your shoes and “collectible” clothing.
- Some toilet paper.
- Your eyeglasses and contacts.
- Your tampon collection.

I failed to notice the glaring omissions from the list where she would leave me with all of her rages, conflict, chaos, terror, horrible emails and phone calls…

Making this entire exercise more odd was that at this point in time, she didn’t even know where she was going to be living, yet, she was preparing a rather significant list of stuff that she was going to be taking to what one would reasonably anticipate to be a 2-bedroom apartment. Maybe she would just give it away or sell it, I don’t know. The bottom line is this - when she would move out in May of 2004, she would take almost nothing. Why? She would buy almost everything completely new for the apartment and do so on credit and, I’ve surmised, the promise of a windfall by her then-attorney. New bedroom SETS for her and the children. New dining room set. New living room set. New television. New kitchen set. All of those things she has claimed never to have been able to obtain (despite the list you see above). Ironically enough… on the heels of the news that her current home is going to be foreclosed on, this is the beginning of the reality that she will never see - it’s nobody’s fault but hers.