The Psycho Ex Wife

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My initial offer to her based upon the figures researched and provided by my attorney - was $25,000, split the retirements 50/50, and she could have the more expensive of the two vehicles. On March 25th, she floated $30,000. I told her I would do it, put it in writing. She didn’t. On April 8th, the figure became $35,000. It would be tough to liquidate things and make that happen, but again, I told her I would do it, put it in writing. She didn’t. Now it’s April 23rd and the figure has become $40,000. I now had enough. The ever-moving target and part of why you can neither negotiate and, oftentimes, mediate with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I spoke about this in my post regarding formal, document court orders/agreements. Settling would mean giving up the intoxicating effects of being in conflict.

LM: Crap.
PEW: what
LM: I was just informed that the meeting has been moved to the Holiday Inn. So, I’ll be even later.
PEW: when on the 30th
LM: “Plan to arrive at 7:30AM” Yeah, on the 30th
PEW: my new phone #will be [xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
LM: k. Don’t forget… unless you’re going to collect mail at the house… to go to the post office and put in for forwarding to the new address.
PEW: ok. also…..I don’t know if it makes a difference…… but I was up all night thinking about your offer…….and I decided that the minimum I could take is $40k +vehicle……I’m sorry but that’s what I need get myself situated
LM: ok
PEW: that’s 15k more
LM: I understand.

Yes, the ever-moving target. The moment I would say “okay” to her next demand, she came up with something new. It only took me three times to realize that this was going to be a pattern and one that wouldn’t be resolved until she forced the sale of the marital residence.

PEW: i know you had said let it go over the weekend, but I can save you attorney’s fees for sending it over and my attorney’s fees for reviewing it. if there’s any big boxes laying around over there…..could you bring them home
LM: I’m sure I could snag a few.
PEW: ok, i’ll talk to you later…..i’m gonna call a mover to see what it would cost me to move the bedroom set. bye
LM: Don’t make a committment. Just get a price.
PEW: ok
LM: We could rent a truck.
PEW: i know but it’s a second floor apt. what a pain in the ass it would be
LM: Quick thing.
PEW: yes?
LM: You do understand that even if we sold the house, we have no shot at having enough to split to $40K?
PEW: well…..I think we do…..some Realtors are doing 3% and 4% total right now. it’s very competitive out there. and houses in this neighborhood are pretty hot
LM: ok
PEW: in fact [neighbor] might know someone. we would easily have $80 to split. at $40……I would forgo alimony. which would be about $8k when all is said and done. you think about LM.

Yes, not only did she have all of the (wrong) answers, she was generous, too! She would “forego alimony.” Lucky me! Nevermind that she wasn’t entitled to alimony. Just her mere belief that she was made it so. It wasn’t. It never was. She was simply not going to get alimony but for her own delusions possibly bolstered by the empty promises of her then-attorney.

On the matter of the real estate agents, she was only partially correct. Ours would only charge us 3%. However, most buyers came with an agent who would also demand 3%.

LM: I can’t do $40. That’s the bottom line. I have no shot.
PEW: ok…..I can’t do $25k, so now what?
LM: No idea.
PEW: if we sold…..you could easily buy yourself something smaller…..what do you need this big house for…..and the big property. i don’t understand. S1 is going to be going to school in [my town]. Home to them is where we are. i’m sorry but I honestly think if we went in front of a judge she would think that is a fair #
LM: I suppose that’s what we’ll have to do then. I don’t have a choice.
PEW: very fair….but if gets all the way to that point i’m going to ask for more
LM: I understand.
PEW: you do have a choice….sell the house….you’re being ridiculous
LM: Actually, I’m not. If the end result of selling the house is splitting what I’ve offered, why go thru the hassle? Not only will the attorney’s costs go up… but we’d end up splitting anything that needs to be done to the house. Moving expenses. Drag it out until we get an offer and a settlement date.
PEW: moving expenses?
LM: Moving to wherever we live. You to the apartment… me to wherever. Then, the logistics of leaving at 2:30 gets all screwed up, because I don’t know where I would be able to afford to live.
PEW: if we put this house up…..it would sell in two weeks
LM: I understand that.
PEW: did you see that eyesore on the corner of Something Rd…. sold in under two weeks…..for close to $300k

Sure, she was assuming that S1 would already be going to school where she was moving (he didn’t) and she was flat-wrong about home being “wherever she was.” The kids were very alarmed that they would be potentially losing the only home they ever knew and all that went with it.

Keep in mind, things were an “eyesore” in PEW’s eyes. Never mind that the house she references was larger, had an in-home hot-tub room, and much more updated decor and appliances. Reality is - it was an “eyesore” because she had a figure in mind for our home that was not going to be defeated.

LM: Okay.
PEW: every other house in this neighborhood has sold in under two weeks
LM: Well, you’ve told me your decision. And I understand your position. There’s nothing I can do to make $40K happen. So we’ll end up stuck. Again.
PEW: unbelievable. there goes the good relationship too
LM: I’m not mad.
PEW: i am
LM: I said, I understand. That’s fine. But you think if we sell, you’re gonna get near 40. I think you’re mistaken.
PEW: well there’s only one way to find out
LM: Go to court.
PEW: i intend to……and you do realize….a judge could say $60k or $70k. I hope you’re prepared for that
LM: I sure am.
PEW: Your lawyer isn’t very sharp
LM: A judge is going to look at the assets and split them. Your lawyer is filling your head full of shit that she’ll never be able to back up.
PEW: yeah……a judge is not going to say…..well after you pay commission….here’s what’s left
LM: Yes, he will.
PEW: they don’t deduct commission
LM: Yes, they will. A judge will say…
PEW: we’ll see LM……my lawyer is totally prepared
LM: If you sell the house and you end up splitting $50G. And he’s already offered you $25G. And he can justify reasons for keeping the home. He won’t compel me to sell. But you listen to your lawyer.
PEW: how could that be, when the house WILL sell for $270k-280k
LM: The more you do, the more you have to pay her.
PEW: that’s fine
LM: Okay.
PEW: i believe that a judge will give me more than $40k. we’ll see

She had every reason to believe a judge would just “give her more” just because. She is a woman in a family/divorce court system heavily biased in favor of mothers. It would stand to reason that she would go in there expecting that there was some likelihood that she could ask for the moon - and get it.

LM: I know, but you fail to take into consideration that the apron of the driveway needs replacement. We have cracked trim in the kitchen. A crack in the layer of the countertop.
PEW: so what
LM: The roof is going to need to be ripped and replaced.
PEW: not before selling it
LM: I understand that.
PEW: did you read the appraisal
LM: But these are things buyer’s will consider. I did.
PEW: no…they won’t
LM: Okay. No reason to discuss it to this level of detail. I’ll call my lawyer and tell him that you’re going to reject the offer outright.
PEW: exactly……
LM: The next move will be on you.
PEW: make sure you tell him what i’m asking for. send it anyway, so your lawyer can laugh at it too
LM: I gave it a shot based upon what I can do. That’s fine.
PEW: you can do $40
LM: No, I can’t.
PEW: all you have to do is take out a loan for $15k
LM: I can’t afford that. PEW. Enough.
PEW: well fine then, you can’t keep the house
LM: It won’t work.
PEW: well then sell the house. simple
LM: As I said, I understand your position. I will let the court decide what is fair and equitable.
PEW: don’t expect me to EVER have a civil relationship with you if you screw me on this house. never. goodbye
LM: I’m not “screwing you.”

When did she ever believe I was expecting a civil relationship?

The reality was, on my salary, I could just afford to keep the family residence. I couldn’t just “take out a loan” for $15,000, because it would put me over the debt-to-income ratio calculated to allow me a shot to refinance the home in just my name.

My last-ditch effort was to offer her a [i]transfer[/i] of my entire (main) retirement plan, which I recall to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $47,000. No taxes on me. No taxes on her. She wouldn’t take that, even though it was fully $22,000 more than she was legitimately entitled when you factored-in the pre-marital equity I had in the home (according to the state’s law). She wanted CASH and if I cashed that out, it wouldn’t come anywhere close to her last demand. I’d pay over 20% of that figure in taxes alone, nevermind the early-withdrawel penalties.

She was hell-bent on trying to buy real estate and a full value transfer of the retirement wouldn’t give her the cash she needed. She was always impulsive and impatient and this issue would be no different.

Another one of the big mistakes - not moving immediately to equitable distribution. I held out hope that something would change and went quickly through what little savings I had and into debt until I finally would cave-in later in the year and put the house up for sale.