Home Foreclosure
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I finally got the follow-up information via email yesterday morning. Care to guess as to whether or not she accepts responsibility for her predicament? Care to guess whether or not she blames herself and her actions? Care to guess if she expresses concerns for the children or makes overtures about pursuing me for more money?
LM,
Here is what I was talking about last night. I got a forclosure notice. I knew it would happen eventually because of all of the thousands and thousands I spent on custody, which ultimately I had to take out a 2nd mortgage to pay the attorney. Obviously I’m a little distraught which is why I was reaching out to you.
I realize you really don’t care, however it brings me to another subject. Are you planning on remaining up here in [work state] for next school year? I don’t really need anymore suprises, you know? I’m also thinking in October we should revisit the support, I did put $2400 back in your pocket this year and I really don’t know why I did that. I need to do whatever I can to keep the house and keep the boys in their school where they are very happy.
So that’s it, I realize you’re not going to help me, but please understand why I feel I need to re-file for support in October. $200 a month will help.
By the way, did you make a dentist appt?
~PEW
The variety and level of emotions I feel right now on this issue have me almost dizzy. I’m pissed. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. All of them and more… for a variety of reasons.
Family Court System Rant
Notice that the first order of business for her is to come after the father for more money. More money that she feels entitled to and due to the fact that her irresponsible spending and budgeting (or lack thereof), for which she is notorious, needs to become my problem even though we’re long divorced.
The system will entertain that effort and I will have to defend against it, mostly because we’re digging out of our own hole and we are on a razor-thin budget, primarily due to all of the prior years’ litigation, combined with my 2007 unemployment, followed by the need to maintain 2 households in 2 states just so that I could have a job, but most importantly, shared custody of the children.
Any adjustment in child support upward jeopardizes my ability to maintain the place in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to keep my job in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to make sure we don’t end up losing our home in the primary home state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to maintain shared custody of the boys.
None of that will have the slightest impact on her, even if I were to choose to point out these stark realities to her. She’ll take everyone down with her, including the children, because she feels that is what she’s owed.
Why I have to pay child support at all given that we both make good wages is inexcusable and a testament to the greed of the state. We (under normal circumstances, obviously) both make a good enough wage to support these children 50% of the time on our own. In fact, it’s good enough to support these two children 100% of the time on our own and yet… simply because I make more than she does, I have to PAY! Go on, tell me it’s about the needs and best interests of the children and not a simple transfer of wealth so that the state’s can benefit from their federal incentives.
PEW Rant
- She is in the predicament she is in because she can’t control her spending. $200/month additional will not help. It probably won’t even prolong the inevitable.
- She is in the predicament she is in because she chose to litigate custody and the property settlement. I need not remind the regular readers that had she accepted the “best offer” I could manage in 2004, she would have probably close to 6-figures worth of total retirement investment and would not have spent high 5-figures (perhaps low 6-figures) in legal expenses to end up with little more than my best offer (in settlement) and the shared custody that I had sought originally, and now have after exhausting more than our available resources to come to that very same conclusion.
- She is in that position because she takes vacations, gets her hair and nails done, purchased all new furniture… ALL new furniture when she moved out and did so on credit expecting the windfall her attorney promised and never delivered to pay for it.
- She is in that position because she buys these kids something, anything, every single time they go out somewhere… food shopping, clothes shopping, errand running, whatever - they come home with a toy or more than one toy or some other inconsequential knick-knack, because that’s what she does - buys their love and adoration.
- She is in that position because she added the additional expenses and responsibility of a dog, birds, hermit crabs, lizards, and countless other poor, unfortunate creatures over the last 4-years.
- She is in that position because she needs a new car every couple of years… her latest, a lease with ridiculously low mileage allowance that will probably cost her money when it’s time to turn it in, which is soon. And has cost her every year for going over the mileage allocation, of course that was our fault too.
- She can’t even begin to consider the negative implications of another move on the children. Worse, my reasons for wanting to keep the children in the marital household were summarily dismissed as inconsequential and yet… she is using the exact some reasoning to justify what appears to be future litigation… “I need to do whatever I can to keep those kids in the school where they are very happy.” Interesting how their happiness with school, friends, neighbors, family, and home made no difference to her back in 2004/2005. Her efforts also include allowing her sick, unstable, alcoholic sister to move back in with her. This will be her/their FOURTH home involving mom since 2004. (We have maintained our home in our home state and as previously explained, have an additional place I needed to get in order to have a job.)
- She’s squandered more than $40,000 worth of tax-free child support on top of making a wage that is well-above the national average salary in the United States… and now whatever else she is collecting from psycho-sil as rent.
- She had no business buying that house in the first place. Given that her credit is probably tanked given that things have gotten to this point in the first place, I can’t even begin to guess where she is going to move with the children when the ax falls.
- She claims to have given me back $2,400 this year, conveniently wiping from her memory; the fraudulent theft of funds by inflating the amount of childcare expenses she had over the course of 2-years before finally being found in contempt… me forgiving credits due me to the tune of about $5,000 total in 2005 and 2006 to avoid litigation that would have probably cost me the amount I was trying to get back… caving-in on the property settlement instead of fighting for my “pre-marital equity” off of the top to the tune of $24,000. She thinks that because we settled on $400/month in CS (despite her very good earnings) with 50/50 custody she gave me something back. Fact is, we arrived at that figure because I was prepared to go to a hearing for a “special exception” which had already been previously granted to me. Had I pushed for it, CS would have been approximately $100/month. However, had it not been granted, it would have been approximately $600/month. I could put on my “PEW Cap” and tell her that I’ve actually given her $3,600 more than she was legally entitled to this year.
(From the mind of DW: Besides all the things LM has said, what amazes me still is that she reasonably believes the he SHOULD and WOULD help her, if only I weren’t in the picture.
She lives in a dream world where a man she left, took all his money, took his kids, made him sell the house, called the cops on him, told people he is an alcoholic, gay, wife abuser, filed false child abuse charges against, would just up and pay all of her bills. Forever. Just because. If any judge in the world cannot see that she is psycho, they should be thrown off the bench.
Here she is, years into it, and she “knew” she would be foreclosed on at some point, and she has done NOTHING to stop it. She was on vacation for 10 days last week - we haven’t had a vacation in 3-years. She has her nails done weekly, hair done monthly, while I have literally never had my nails done, and have had 1 professional hair cut in the last 4-years. Ah yes, but the fact that we (LM) fought for custody, that is the reason she is in debt, because she didn’t want her children to ever see their father. For that, we should pay her bills, and of course I’m the only one standing in her way. Fucking psycho.)
What to do… What to do?
- File for primary custody to settle down this “annual move tradition” that PEW has established? The neighboring school district, the one in which I live, is outstanding and the brand new elementary school is about 1-mile from the “work-state home.” My gut tells me that I could try that but it is still a long shot, being a father and all. Filing now crossed my mind except that it would be unlikely to be settled in time for the school year.
- Prepare now to justify keeping the CS level where it is… because of the potential consequences of any modification upward? DEFINITELY. Of course, I will again argue for the deviation due to special circumstances and maybe get that downward modification.
The financial and personal sacrifices we’ve made (that is… DW and I) just to get to 50/50 are substantial. It really wrankles my ass that she has made essentially NONE and continues to provide for the boys a life of upheaval, choas, and disarray - and there is very likely nothing I can do to change it.
July 16th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I have a psycho ex husband who has the typical “dad” arrangement of every other weekend and Wednesdays nights. In my case, the system works out b/c he is not a good influence on my boys. Unfortunately, there are a lot of good fathers who get the exact same arrangement “just because.” If you could get full custody, I can only imagine what a world of good it would do for your family. My ex is just like yours (I know you hear that a lot, but he really is). He does the same attention-seeking behavior. Your low-contact method has literally saved my sanity. Good luck in this new development.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Ok. Here’s my perspective–for what it is worth.
I think this is actually a good thing.
Step back and take a huge deep breath.
PB also lost his home, although not due to foreclosure and I remember feeling much of the same things. In fact, this kind of stuff is so volatile, on advice of his lawyer I learned later, he didn’t even tell me the house had literally fallen apart.
I learned from friends, and he denied it to me. Said he was making improvements on the house and he needed money etc.
He threatened going back and decreasing support etc. to pay for his home.
I think you are in awesome spot to file for SOLE CUSTODY. Yes I do.
Whether that will mean that you take the boys with you to state 2, or what, who knows at this point.
Surely, you can prove to the court that you’ve gone above and beyond to be in their lives.
You can prove the unstability, etc, etc, in her life.
In my case, I told PB that if he revisted CS, I would file for sole custody. He shut up(at that point he had a lawyer) and quickly moved in with a friend. He bounced that way for over a year. The kids went lived with various friends.Not the best, but for my kids, it was once or twice a month on weekends.
Honestly, and I know there are other issues here, but it really isn’t that simple(at least not in my mind) to just go and file for CS to get another $200. What is $200 going to do anyway? Is she really entitled to $200 more than what she is getting? Use the calculators online to see if it’s a real threat.
If this happens, I would contest it too if they give her the $200. Take it before a judge which you can do.
“Your honor, I am maintaining 2 residences and she can’t even maintain 1″.
It seems like you have a good judge and even if the Child support people don’t get it, the judge will.
Just MHO.
I wish you the best.
And hey, you know that all of that mortgage stuff will be on the courthouse system. It’s public information. You can see if the house is in foreclosure, if she really did do the second mortgage etc. Arm yourself with knowledge and documentation.
Did that with Partboy too. His mommy took out a few second mortgages on their house to pay for our court costs.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
What to do:
1) start gathering and organizing your documents in preparation for yet another legal battle;
2) wait until she petitions for a modification, and *then* submit a counter-petition, which includes primary custody and a reduction in the wealth re-distribution (aka “child support”);
3) meanwhile, spend every minute you can with your kiddos filling up their emotional “tanks”, in preparation for the onslaught they are about to undergo;
4) and finally, keep reminding yourself that this is NOT about the PEW, *ever*, not, not, not. She wants to make it about her, just resist that. You’ve done an excellent job of keeping focus so far… continue on. This is about your wonderful boys, YOUR life, your family, your sweet DW, and your long-term vision for all of the above.
And, along with keeping perspective: foreclosure is not a catastrophe, either. PEW moves, her finances suck, she can’t pay bills, she bitches and blames you, blah, blah, blah. Life after foreclosure for her is not all that different from life before foreclosure. Just keep your focus on your boys, and making their lives as stable and emotionally replenished as you possibly can.
Oh, and DW? Yes, you *are* the reason why LM isn’t responding to PEW. Because if you weren’t there, to keep him stable, to be his emotional support, to help him keep his head together, to give him a wonderful reason to stay focused in an emotionally healthy relationship… then it is quite likely that he would succumb, at some point, to these sick overtures from the PEW - forget low/no contact, get hoovered back into some rescue mode, and so forth. You can take credit for aiding LM’s emotional recovery and emotional maintenance, indeed you can. And should. And that’s the way a *normal* relationship ought to be.
All the best to you both as you embark on this, the latest chapter of life with the PEW.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I’m with vamomma and jb. This is the time to file for sole custody on the basis that she is unfit, as proven by her inability to provide a stable home for your children. You’re going to have to go to court and fight her anyway, I agree with jb that you should wait until she files then counter-file. Pull your documents together, consult your attorney and do your level best to end this cycle now.
We got lucky; our BM didn’t want custody of her kids and my husband got them from the very beginning. She has never paid a dime of child support; not one red cent. We are now in a housing crisis because not only did the housing market crash right after we bought, but my husband worked in new home construction and lost his job. Did we go crying to her? Hell, no. We’re pulling our s**t together and making sure she NEVER hears how bad things are at our house. I only wish everyone else would do the same; she’s convinced one kid to go live with her (we think) and we know she was attempting to get the other two - and not out of any feelings of motherly love. No, she was going to try to get custody of her kids to soak my husband for child support, despite that he’s had full custody of all three for more than three years without her paying anything, because she and her husband are having financial difficulties, too. We’re just an ATM to her.
This gets me so worked up I can’t even imagine how you feel. Chin up, I’m pulling for you.
July 16th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
What I’m waiting for….and to warn you guys too.
I’m waiting for her to ask you if she can move into your residence in state 1 when you aren’t there…then live with wacky sister the other weeks. She will say it is in the best interests of the children.
PB tried this too when he had house issues. The idea would be that he’d move into my apt when he had the kids and I’d go elsewhere..where I have no clue…and then when I had the kids, he’d live with his family.
UGH.
Hey, if you get sole custody–wouldn’t she have to pay you child support?
July 16th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Two of her statements stand out to me: “I got a foreclosure notice” and “please understand why I feel I need to re-file for support in October. $200 a month will help.”
If she’s gotten a foreclosure notice, that means that she’s probably at least 3 months behind on her mortgage, and that the bank has already made several attempts to resolve the situation with her. $200 a month isn’t going to do squat to get her out of that mess.
She also probably doesn’t have the money to pay for an attorney. I would just ignore her. Even though it’s a bad situation for her, it doesn’t have anything to do with you.
Does she even have grounds to file for a support modification? Usually there are some pretty specific rules governing when and how often someone can file for modification. I would check the laws in your state. Just because she “could have” gotten more, doesn’t mean she’s entitled to ask for it now. Changing your mind doesn’t usually fly with the courts. She agreed to it and, unless one of you has had a substantial change in income or some other material change in circumstance, she has no grounds for filing for modification.
If she does, ask to have it thrown out and ask for attorney’s fees if they do decided to hear the case.
Oh, and wait until the foreclosure actually happens and she’s evicted before you file. Otherwise you’ll be using a maybe as your change in circumstance, and unless it pans out before you’re hearing it won’t likely get you anywhere. Unfortunately.
July 16th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
VAMOMMA… funny you should say that… it has already been added to our list of “what to expect next.”
MARIA… she has no grounds at this time, which is probably why she mentioned “October” - which is when the last CS order was entered. Without having checked yet, she *may* be entitled to a review annually if requested, which would explain why she hasn’t already moved to petition the court.
TO ALL: The suggestions are very much appreciated.
July 16th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
I’m dealing with the exact same thing right now.
I am a NCM and I petitioned the court over three years ago for a transfer of residential custody due to instability in dad’s home.
I am still being denied.
My case is so disgusting my attorney has now taken it on pro bono. There is no valid reason that my boys should not be living with me, and at this point, seeing me on a regular basis.
The injustices that I have witnessed (and I’m sure you have as well MM) makes me very afriad of ever assuming to know what will happen in “family” court.
You’ve run the gammut with this woman. Filing right now may be the one that finally gets noticed. Or just another petition that falls to the wayside of what’s right.
July 16th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Just keeping the faith, Nal. Very nice to see you take a cruise by.
If not success this time… then maybe next time. One thing that has been consistent with PEW… is that there ALWAYS is a next time.
I’ll just continue to pray that whatever “next time” may come that it doesn’t involve serious harm befalling the children.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:07 am
“She lives in a dream world where a man she left, took all his money, took his kids, made him sell the house, called the cops on him, told people he is an alcoholic, gay, wife abuser, filed false child abuse charges against, would just up and pay all of her bills. Forever. Just because.”
Wow, I think PEW has a psycho twin over here! That describes her perfectly.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:47 am
It’s a little soon for me to speak, being that it’s a week until the hearing and all, but my faith in family court is renewed…slightly. I think uprooting the kids every year shows a serious lack of stability, and gives you a fairly decent chance at primary custody.
Good luck…
July 17th, 2008 at 4:03 am
LM and DW,
Wow, I’m just shaking my head at this woman. I hate that you two are dealing with this. I hate how she feels you are obligated to help her in this situation.
An extra $200 a month will only increase her ability to find a nicer salon. She won’t be putting a dime of it towards the kids, if she’s anything like my husband’s exwife.
(As you know my husband dealt with something similar.)
I have no doubts you are both extremely organized and will be able to take PEW on! And as always I know you will find a way to support the emotional trauma the kids will experience in the near future. Best of luck.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:24 am
“She lives in a dream world where a man she left, took all his money, took his kids, made him sell the house, called the cops on him, told people he is an alcoholic, gay, wife abuser, filed false child abuse charges against, would just up and pay all of her bills. Forever. Just because.”
This is my DH’s ex-wife, also.
Only I will add one caveat: My stepson turns 18 this fall, and that’s when her ‘forever’ (gravy train) ends.
We can’t wait.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Hey Mr. M…everything okay? I haven’t seen any comments or posts. Do we need a search party?
July 18th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Smirk… appreciate the concern - LOL.
Had a major project get audited at work this week, so I was burning the midnight oil at home all week and then catching up on sleep in the evenings… going to bed about the same time as the boys.
All is quiet on the bullshit front (for now) and we have some travelling to do this weekend.
July 19th, 2008 at 4:36 am
Hi Mr M;
One big difference this time around — she has no money and the fact that she needs 200 a month to stay out of foreclosure is a RIDICULOUS financial position that will be obvious to lawyers and judges.
Unless she can borrow the retainer from a family member (several thousand dollars), or liquidate the 401K’s for it, no attorney will spend the energy necessary to battle in court cause they will never get paid. During ED they know there will be a payday or at least they are willing to bet on the come. Imagine the conversation with her lawyer:
PEW: I need 200 more a month, my house is in foreclosure
PEW ATTY: OK I need a 4,000 retainer to proceed
So that is almost 2 years of increased support before she even breaks even on the initial retainer and as you know the retainer will cover about 1 court appearance plus the preliminaries….then the meter is running.
Bottom line she is not encumbered by logic as it relates to financial matters — lawyers on the other hand live and die by their skills in this area.
My prediction is that she will not go forward beyond trying to get the free support enforcement people to say she deserves more and if she does she is a sitting duck for the old “burn em and churn em” lawyer approach — get the client to borrow the retainer — blow through that with preliminaries and paperwork and then demand more to continue, which she doesn’t have….stop returning phone calls.
Hang in there, if she is truly in dire financial shape she is going to have a much different experience with the lawyers and courts this time.
October 27th, 2008 at 10:04 am
[...] with strange text messages from the PEW back in the early summer - there is some recent news on the home foreclosure [...]