Why Talk About it on the Internet?
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I have been reading your site. I am interested in every different viewpoint; but, my personal question to you, is: why, if you really think your ex-wife has serious mental health issues….why is it something to talk about on the internet?
I mean no disrespect; and, like I said, I have been reading some, but I work with mentally ill individuals, and I have also dealt with a serious depressive disorder in my own life. It would disturb me terribly, if I felt that others were speaking of my clients, or myself using terms such as “crazy”, or “nutcase”.
I know first-hand the pain of divorce for children. Of course, my parents have been divorced since I was a year old; however, there were issues all the years of my life between myself and the two of them. I came to realize they were all about getting at each other, instead of showing real concern about me during those times. However, my mother was the one who really cared about me overall. And, I believe from what I have read on your site, that you are the parent who really cares about your childrens’ welfare, overall.
It must be hellish to deal with someone who is potentially borderline. I don’t do well with borderline folks. Most counselors won’t even see them as clients because their personality disorder makes them rather impossible to help. I realize this. It’s just that I can’t understand what purpose it serves to not “rise above” the borderline personality’s issues and focus on the positives in one’s present life.
Honestly, I am very interested in your story, and the stories that others have shared on your site. I just wonder if the benefit of ranting outweighs the stress you experience with this woman and her family members.?
I hope the best for you with your children. My fear is the scars that may result because of your ex-wife’s disorder and the probability that your children will know and feel your stress and resentments toward their mother.
Children do suffer. And I just hope someday the woman will come to realize the issues and seek help for herself. Borderlines can eventually be helped. It’s like anything else; they have to realize they have problems, and the whole thing about the disorder is that they don’t think they do have problems. This is actually part of the disorder. That’s why it is so difficult to work with these folks. BUT, there is hope for them. That would be my wish; for your childrens’ sakes.
Sincerely…
TS
Why is it something I want to talk about on the internet?
There are a lot of reasons why it is something I want to talk about and the feedback I receive from readers supports my decision every single day.
This question was asked of me when I was interviewed for a piece that was published on divorce360.com. In response to that question, I explained, “The site is intended to help people in similar situations. “I had always felt like no one really knew or quite understood the level of chaos that had existed in my life, and this was a way to express it all without burdening others with such horror or having to explain myself, re-explain myself.” It served as a means to tell the truth of my experiences but to no one in particular.”
That is how I defined the reason for starting this site in January of 2008. Soon thereafter, we started getting an incredible amount of feedback from people who truly felt as isolated as I did, going through very similar situations. That’s when the site, for me and hopefully others, took on a more meaningful purpose. I am not alone nor are others who are embroiled in such similar situations. I pray that their realizations prevent them from the self-trapping that I did. I felt I had nowhere to turn and had I discovered a place like this a long time ago, I may have been compelled to make some better choices much earlier in the relationship. Maybe I would have been more honest with myself and with others about what I was going through and gotten more help and guidance for myself and/or the children.
It’s what people do when going through something as significant as this. They isolate themselves out of fear. Fear of a lack of understanding. Fear of burdening others with thier troubles. Fear of abandonment. The sense of relief and the release of the anxiety of feeling so isolated is evident in the communications I get from others.
Contrary to your concerns regarding the potential for my children to sense the stress and resentment - it’s not my website that will risk doing that - it’s the actual experiences that we have all endured and will continue to go through due to the failed relationship between the PEW and I. In fact, I would be quick to tell you that this outlet of sharing and caring greatly reduces the stress and any resentment I feel towards the PEW. Further, it reduces the stress and anxiety those close to me feel (especially DW) because I’m not just unloading on those people. I can do it here and hopefully be doing something productive in the process - not just for me, but for anyone who cruises by here for a read.
On the flip side, I don’t feel bad about the scant few terms I use for my ex-wife and some others in her family. When you consider that I am no longer affected so deeply by the terms that she uses for me, including: spousal abuser, drug addict, alcoholic, homosexual, faggot, impotent, asshole, child abuser, falsely filing reports with CPS, calling the police for no particular reason… and the list goes on and on and on… categorizing her actions as nutty or psycho, aside from being accurate (unlike hers), are tame by comparison. Like you, and I have mentioned it several times on this site - I wish the very same for PEW - that she would recognize what she’s actually going through and take steps to manage it effectively to the benefit of everyone. That is no lie.
Finally, I have many positives which I focus on in life. The work that I do on this site doesn’t mean that I don’t. Every single day is a lot of hard work to rise above the BPD and the experiences of dealing with her. I have a lot to be thankful for - a wonderful partner in DW, 2 children of my own, 2 step-children, great family and friends, a great job, and the list goes on. As long as my site serves to help people, entertain people (to some small degree), educate people, and be an outlet for shaking off the bad experiences… I’ll keep doing it.
~LM
June 24th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I write as the partner of someone with a PEW and I am also a mental health professional. Surviving the ongoing onslaught of abuse from our PEW has been unbelievably hard work. This web site has been a blessing to us. LM’s informing us of Parallel Parenting has changed our lives immeasurably–and this was not something suggested by any of the professionals, legal or psychological, that we have consulted. If this were the only thing we have gained from this website, it would be enough!
Dealing properly with a borderline means that you have to exercise tremendous self-control and strategic thinking. There are so many times that you must bite your tongue and not say (or write) all the things that you wish you could say to defend yourself or ’set the record straight.’ Having an outlet like this helps all of us, the writers and the readers, bear the constant challenges to our peace (and blood pressure). While we work so very hard to say and do the right things that will benefit our loved ones and ourselves, it is such a relief to have a place where we can just let rip!
I found this site, coincidentally, shortly after it was set up, when I was desperately googling to find help for what seemed to be an unusual situation. I was at the end of my tether. How wonderful to find that there are others experiencing the same things, and who have offered help and support.
Yes, sometimes we all might rant a bit–but we are not doing it at home! What an excellent outlet.
Anyone who has dealt with people who are Borderline will know what lengths they push you to, and what horrible stresses you feel.
Thank goodness we are not alone and thank you, LM and DW, sincerely.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I have been accused of so much, and it boils down to “It’s OK that I act like a damn freak, but the kids are suffering because you find my actions unacceptable!” Only in an imbalanced mind does that make sense.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
The Low-Contact Post
and
All Low-Contact Related Posts
June 25th, 2008 at 2:33 am
Besides the venting outlet and the handy advice on no/low-contact, I will add one other huge benefit: restoring the frame of reference.
When someone has been with a Borderline, the constant barrage against reality causes the “sane” person to lose their perspective - it shifts their frame of reference off center. They start to second-guess themselves. They sometimes wonder if they are the “crazy” one. They lose a sense of what is “normal”, “acceptable”, or “okay”.
Having this blog helps restore that reference point. For example, it’s *not* okay for someone to scream or swear at you and call you filthy names. People who live with a Borderline often lose sight of that.
“Borderline” personality disorder is so-called because it was originally considered to be on the “borderline” between neurosis and psychosis (psychosis being defined as “a loss of contact with reality”). For those of us with a Borderline in our lives, we realize that sometimes, that “borderline” gets crossed, and reality gets challenged. This blog helps us see where the line is, so we can scoot back across it.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Why? Besides the many reasons listed here, I just had to add my own. I felt very lucky to have found this site, and I was SO appreciative of the laughter it induced.
As a therapist, who admits that these patients/people are very difficult, if not impossible to treat, you yourself answered your own question of “why”.
I have been a nurse for 16 years, and have worked in many different fields. I understand the value of coping mechanisms. As a victim of the abuse dealt out by an ex someone with serious issues, one of the most important coping mechanisms I engage in is humor.
It appears that we all here have realized that there is not much we CAN do except give our very best in trying to make it right in OUR lives, therefore hoping to insure that our/any children are cared for and parented in a healthier mental environment when we have them with us.
Regardless of your occupation, the terms “nutcase” “psycho” & “koo-koo” are (hate to say this), but right on! We don’t FEEL better when we say, “Oh darn, that borderline personality is just really getting under my skin”. Although we deal we these people on a daily basis, we are still profoundly shocked at the next dramatic episode, although we know it’s coming. We are trying to COPE. We laugh, we talk/vent about it, we ask questions, we seek answers, we join forums and subscribe to blogs. This is how we help OURSELVES.
As a professional that deals with patients in this area, it is what you get paid to provide. This website is ony different in that it is available to the entire online world. It allows us to have a big “group” session. It potentially offers answers to those uninformed, it offers unity for those who wonder if they are alone, it offers laughter in place of despair. It also offers validation.
I felt instant relief when I found this site, and have been able to move forward in my situation with much more confidence, and knowledge.
So, that’s “why”, but I think, as a professional in your field, you probably already knew this.
JI
June 25th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I’m glad you answered this, because I’ve been wondering the same thing. Not that you shouldn’t feel free to post whatever you want here, because I do it as well, but I do wonder what will happen if she ever discovers your site and recognizes herself. Be prepared, because it is a very real possibility no matter how well you hide it. Your kids will find out that you have the site and tell her (even if they don’t know exactly what it is, just letting her know there is one will prompt her to look), she will be googling something and find it by accident (which, by the way, is how I found you), the possibilities are nearly endless. And brother, if you think that woman is a psycho now, it is nothing compared to what will ensue in the wake of her discovery.
I’m sure you take every precaution, but short of making your site a members-only site, the possibility of her discovery will always be there. Just be ready; I am.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I am as ready as I can be. However, if for the last 14+ years she hasn’t recognized a problem within herself or her family - I think the odds are heavily in my favor that she’ll never google “Borderline Personality Disorder” or “Psycho Ex-Wives.”
June 25th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
“Although we deal we these people on a daily basis, we are still profoundly shocked at the next dramatic episode, although we know it’s coming. We are trying to COPE.” You are so right, New, and your comment was beautiful and insightful.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I can understand the “why.” You need to vent somewhere and release the anger and frustration of dealing with a person that is very hard to deal with. I went through a bitter, gut wrenching child custody battle that took 3 years. My ex and his mother were the initiators. I really believe that his mother is 80% of the reason that it was so horrible, painful and traumatic. If it had just been me and him the parenting schedule would have been settled within a year. She paid for the majority of his attorney fees, manipulated the Special Advocate, created lies about me, even tried to seek primary custody herself when they thought he wasn’t going to get “sole custody.” That’s right, they wanted to completely cut me out of my children’s life. Not because it was truly in the best interests of the children but because they (his mother) wanted the power and control. The list could go on and on. I finally got primary custody because his alcohol abuse became evident. He was caught driving drunk with our 2 small children in the vehicle, weaving in and out of oncoming traffic. I had told the court repeatedly that he had a drinking problem but they did not believe me. Not until my children’s lives were put in danger.
I know that all human beings, to some degree, have issues. I am definitely no saint but it amazes me when he (my ex) still tries to act like all the BS that he and his mother pulled during the custody case never happened. Delusional. Seriously, I wish they would both get mental health evaluations. Hers would come up as some disorder, I am certain, and I know his would too because his father has some mental health issues.
A child custody battle that is drawn out is traumatic and painful, not just for the children but for the parents as well. It should NOT be allowed.
It seems like you are careful to remain anonymous, at least I hope so. That’s the only thing that could possibly hurt you, (in the case), is if the courts got wind of your site.
I just dealt with another lovely conversation with my ex after an exchange of our daughter this morning. It didn’t take place in front of her, it was a phone call afterwards. He called me “emotionally shattered,” . . . I fired back that that was his mother. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have said that but really I get so sick and tired of his petty, derogatory comments. He constantly tries to verbally put me down. I honestly get fed up. It’s been 7 years since I left. I’m not sure why he thinks it’s okay to speak to me that way.
Sorry, I can go on and on. It’s a waste of energy to try to understand why he is verbally abusive. But, again I do understand why you use this as your sort of “vent box.” It is therapeutic, the release and all.
I also think there needs to be more awareness out there that drawn out custody battles create more harm then good and serious changes need to be made to family law.
Monica
November 6th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Just found this site and starting to read through the posts. I believe that discussing these issues on the internet is useful in getting the word out about parents with personality disorders. Judges and “family law” attorneys are usually sadly uninformed when it comes to this, and too often kids suffer due to the actions and decisions of people in the legal profession who can simply walk away without any consequences.
My ex wife has BPD with elements of narcissistic, paranoid, histrionic, and antisocial personality disorders. In the early 90’s I attempted to gain full custody of my 15 month old daughter, fearing that her mother’s behavior would be significantly damaging to her. After three years we finally went though a jury trial divorce, with the result of joint physical and legal custody, myself having the final decision-making capacity should we disagree. While my ex only had my daughter 50% of the time, I was highly concerned about her harming her both physically and mentally.
Flash forward to my daughter at age 12. She constantly complained about her mother’s mood swings, profanity-laced rages, calling her terrible names, throwing objects around the house, hitting her, refusing to get up to take her to school, stating negative things about me, lying about her to her friends, etc., etc. My daughter repeatedly told me that she wanted to live with me full time when she turned 14, the age at which children can make this decision in my state. In the meantime, I knew that if I filed for modification of custody the likely result would be that she remain with her unstable mother and her mother would retaliate by verbally abusing her even more. My ex’s attorney has successfully acted and continues to act as an “abuse advocate” for his client, and expects me to pay his attorney’s fees when he essentially has earned his money though indirectly hurting my daughter.
Midway through her freshman year of high school, my daughter developed an eating disorder and nearly had to be hospitalized. She entered therapy and spent much of her individual and group therapy sessions complaining about her mother. She then started family therapy with her mom, during which time her mom’s behavior further deteriorated. The therapist made little progress and felt it wasn’t worth continuing until my ex got therapy herself. During this time, my daughter started moving her belongings over to my house and has been living with me full time ever since. Her eating disorder started improving immediately after she moved in with me and continues to improve. Sadly, my ex’s abuse advocate attorney has been trying to force my daughter to live with her unstable mother against her will and has even resorted to filing contempt of court charges against me. All this when he is fully aware that the family therapist believes that if my daughter is forced to live with her mother, there is a high likelihood that she would relapse into her eating disorder. All the while he has been asking me to pay his attorney’s fees. I can understand working to help your client, but I cannot accept this man’s continued attempts to do this at the expense of my daughter’s mental health. I have not doubt that he has harmed my daughter by successfully arguing to have her live with her unstable and abusive mom half the time since she was an infant, and his actions might harm her further. Yet he can cash my checks and sleep at night. I know this is how our esteemed legal system works, but I simply can digest this. Unbelievably this “man” has children of his own and a daughter about same age as my daughter.
My daughter is now 16, and we have just completed court-ordered custody evaluations, and are awaiting the results. I am hoping and praying that the recommendations are going to help and not harm my precious daughter. My ex’s attorney has done enough damage already. I sincerely believe that if anyone needs to be compensated, it is my daughter, who should be compensated by my ex’s attorney, who has truly left his mark on this world by harming a child.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Gooddad, your story is alarming but not surprising. I often wonder if there were some way to see sanctions against such an attorney… that wasn’t overseen by other attorneys. Ah, to dream.
I certainly hope you’re not paying any of her legal fees unless ordered to by the court.
~LM