The Psycho Ex Wife

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By February 13th, 2004 (the first part of this two-part post), she had told me that she had filed for divorce. Of course, I was skeptical due to all of the prior flights she had taken from the relationship. It was part of the reason why I was insisting on waiting to tell the children about the situation. If it was another empty threat, I didn’t see any need to burden the children with her bullshit. I wanted to wait until I was served because then, and only then, would it be real for all of us.

Of course, neither that reality nor my request that we wait and tell the children together would matter. She would forge ahead, probably just because I asked her not to, and then told them herself while I wasn’t around, selfish, cold-hearted bitch that she is.

PEW: did you remember that today is the day you’re supposed to come home at 2:30
LM: Yepper
PEW: ok, i just wanted to make sure
LM: No prob
LM: Blowin’ thru some work here. Will be working thru lunch
PEW: ok. i took care of that wallpaper in the boys room
LM: ok
PEW: are you going to my brother’s suprise party on the 21st…..cause if you are I’ll call [the babysitter].
PEW: it’s at the Yacht club
LM: I was considering going down my father’s that weekend and taking the kids. If that’s not a problem.
PEW: no, that’s fine
LM: ok
PEW: just fyi, i am being very careful about what I say with them around……. the kids….. i don’t want them to start panicking before we sit down and talk to them
LM: Well, we’ll probably have to do it soon.
PEW: so if you’re going to be talking to people about it just be careful what S1 hears
LM: Sometime shortly after I get back.
PEW: ok
LM: Because I don’t want to ambush them at the last second.

It would seem that things were fairly straightforward and we were in agreement about how to handle telling the children generally. Of course, that assumes I was dealing with a normal person, which clearly I was not. Not only do I make the mistake of requesting that we do it together and with caution, I specify a general date - “after I get back” - from visiting my father a week later. Obviously, I didn’t want them to be full of worry and angst during a visit with their grandfather which is supposed to be light-hearted and fun.

I should have seen that all I did was give her a reason to do it on her own and before the weekend visit to my father’s. Double-sabotage, a common weapon in the borderline’s arsenal. So, she chooses to do this the day before I leave for the weekend visit. This occurs a day after an argument, which took place within earshot of the S1, where I remain calm but she loses her cool (again) and says, loudly, in front of him that she wishes I would just do us all a favor and hoped that I would die.

The second part occurred February 19th, 2004:

PEW: well now S1 is upset
LM: Why?
PEW: he knows….he wanted to know why we were talking about selling the house
LM: What did you tell him?
PEW: i said, that I want to get my own house because me and Daddy fight too much….
LM: Super. That’s great.

Ain’t that just beautiful? Her delivery is impeccable. Notice the care and concern. Notice how she keeps things soft and without worry. Notice the me, me, I, I, me. *I* want to get a house. Me and Daddy fight too much.

That’s how a borderline delivers such news to a child. That’s not how normal people do it. (This is also an early tell that it’s going to be about money and what she wants and what she is entitled to and… and… and…)

PEW: and that he still going to have both of us like he does now. we just aren’t going to live in the same house. what?
LM: Well, I appreciate your waiting until I got home or some other time where we could discuss it together.
PEW: he heard everything that we said LM
LM: I don’t care. You put him off until I can come home. That’s a really great explanation, no kidding.
PEW: and what would you have said different?
LM: Our job is to make it as EASY as possible on the kids.
PEW: no shit
LM: I would have said… “We’re not. We’re trying to see if we can buy another house and exploring our options. It’s nothing to be concerned about.” You’re unreal. Just unreal.
PEW: i told him there’s nothing to worry about

There is nothing to worry about? The night before, she yelled in front of him that she just wished his father would die. Then she told him that she wanted to get her own house. She also said that mommy and daddy fight too much.

What would a 5-year old have to worry about with news like that?

LM: Thanks. For nothing.
PEW: why are you going off?
LM: Because you have no concern for anyone but yourself. You need to take a deep breath and THINK about what you say to the kids. It’s way too soon to be dropping that bomb on them. And the right thing to do is do it together. That’s why I’m upset. Now, I have to deal with this while going down to my Dad’s. I appreciate that. Thanks.
LM: Can you do me a favor? Please do NOT discuss it any further with him. PLEASE. ESPECIALLY not in the aftermath of a disagreement like that.
LM: Can I trust you to do that?
PEW: I didn’t say anything wrong

Of course she didn’t say anthing wrong - in her distorted mind.

LM: So we can do it with him together? He’s five, PEW.
PEW: no shit but he’s very smart……
LM: Do you stop to think what telling him that “mommy and daddy fight too much, so mommy wants another house” is going to do?
PEW: he’s fine now
LM: Who he might tell? How he’s going to process the information?
PEW: he’s going to process it very slowly…..and he’ll have questions

Still, she thought this was no big deal and S1 could handle it and he was “just fine.” The fact is, he hasn’t been “just fine” since that moment. It’s why he eats due to anxiety. It’s why he’s always had trouble interacting unselfishly with others. It’s why he has often struggled with lashing out at others. They are all the characteristics of PEW’s behaviors.

She had no concept of how a 5-year old would process the information and what he would say or who he would tell. None.

LM: In the future, until we’re prepared with something to soften the blow, I’d appreciate it if you would find it in your heart to deflect the question or defer to a time when we are together. A simple “we’re thinking of having two houses because it might be nice” would have sufficed.
PEW: i told him it would be fun…..he’d have a new room
LM: Fine.
PEW: he’s fine with it now. shut up
LM: That’s the tack I will take should he bring it up. We’re trying to get two houses. And not to worry. Spare him what our personal issues are.
PEW: i told him not to worry

Her explanations are all child-like. They’re very shallow. She truly believed that by explaining how the destruction of their family would just be fun and games was enough. I was seething! “I told him not to worry.” As if that would just make everything all right in the mind of a child facing their worst nightmare.

LM: It’s not necessary for him to hear that.
PEW: better than him watching you cry
LM: ??? S1 is 5.
PEW: well it didn’t happen verbatum…the way I said
LM: He doesn’t need to know what our differences are.
PEW: no shit but he can see and hear
LM: Try to consider that going forward. And from now on…
PEW: fuck you
LM: No more talking in front of the kids.
PEW: fine…fuck you
LM: If you want to tell me that you wish I woul die… write it down. Don’t say it in front of the children. Please.
PEW: stop trying to make me feel like I did something wrong. all this should have been taken care of a long time ago
LM: Telling him that “we fight to much” is unnecessary information. What should have happened a long time ago doesn’t matter. It’s being handled now.
PEW: ok well let’s not harp on a little mistake you asshole
LM: Fine.
PEW: this is why i’m divorcing you in the first place
LM: I know. Because I talk to you like you talk to me. Super.
PEW: your negativity
LM: Anything else before I block you?
PEW: yeah…..
LM: Aside from foul language.
PEW: you suck
LM: Great. Will that be all?
PEW: ummmm. i hope you don’t ruin any more lives
LM: I will do my very best.

As usual, she has to descend into the ugly pit of viciousness and insults. This was only the beginning of her efforts to destroy everything I’ve worked all of my life for.