The Day I (Almost) Finally Block Her From Instant Messenger
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My brother had been struggling with some issues. Pressures at work. Pressures at home. New (first) child. It was all getting to be a bit overwhelming for him. So, he sought me out and we talked about things periodically. I always spoke very frankly with him about how certain situations were being handled and how he could do some things differently to take some pressure off of himself.
Even as I look back, proud that he would seek me out for assistance (without knowing much about my own “secret trials and tribulations”), I know I was instrumental in helping him get himself back on track.
In any event, I never shared details with PEW, just some very broad generalizations. I certainly knew better than to give her anything at this point that she would later mock or otherwise jam up my rear-end. It happens. Even as vague and general as I was about it - you could see that it was used against me in this email from psycho-SIL. It was always a risk to share anything with the PEW that one might expect spouses to share with one another. The PEW could make anything into something it wasn’t.
This IMversation was her query about the previous meeting between me and my brother.
PEW: do you think you could pick up S1 today
LM: Probably. Yes, I can.
PEW: have you talked to CAM anymore
LM: Not today
PEW: S2 isn’t feeling good
LM: oh? They both had rosey cheeks last night… but i thought it was from the hot bath.
PEW: that’s why i was asking if you could pick up S1. nah…he’s all flushed again. says he has diarhea
LM: lol
PEW: even thouth he does. doesn’t
LM: I so love talking to him.
PEW: i meant
LM: About “stuff” - They were both excellent last night. Got baths with hair wash.
PEW: good
LM: S1 did himself… hair and everything without my help (except a hair rinse)…
PEW: great. well i had an awful night. i got kicked punched, spat on, my finger bent back, scratched. CAM ought to live my life for a few weeks…..then he’ll see what despair is
LM: Everyone’s problems are most serious to them. It’s not really fair to compare.
PEW: it’s so ironic how empathetic you are though when it comes to your brother…..but with me……you say…I have it great i’m so lucky
LM: I’m empathetic to both situations. And I don’t say you have it “great” - I said that you don’t appreciate what you have. I think my brother is being a moron. Did you overlook that part? All I do is understand that he is under a lot of pressure… both real and imagined… and he is handling it inappropriately. How is that different from my assessment of our situation? It’s exact, in fact.
PEW: well, the difference between me and CAM is that….I’ve done counseling…I’ve done therapy, I take medication…..I’ve tried everything….so I’m really sure that me and my spouse are not compatible….
PEW: and there’s no comparing you and [CAM’s wife].
LM: I didn’t compare me and [CAM’s wife].
PEW: I know. I am though
LM: I’m sure you’d prefer a lapdog who would cowtow to your every demand. But if that doesn’t make CAM happy, I’m sure it wouldn’t make you happy either.
PEW: no….i wouldn’t….something in between would be nice
LM: You have something in-between. You just don’t care to realize it. Because nothing is every enough for you.
PEW: oh for God’s sake????
LM: Bye.
PEW: are you even serious
It only took me many, many years to finally wise-up! It was February 3rd, 2004. The irony of it all is that, unbeknownst to me, she had actually filed for divorce at this point and I hadn’t yet been served. Still, she deceptively talks as if nothing has taken place. It’s another perfect ambush in a long history of ambushes.
As I look at this now, compared to any number of other discussions which were far more vicious, it’s strange that this seemingly simple one was “the one” that brought an end to the IM battles. Of course, that only meant that they would be taken to email. Notice how she completely dismisses the struggles my brother was facing only to redirect things on how awful her life was and how troublesome it was dealing with the children. No surprise there.
LM,
That’s beautiful…I love when you cut me off mid sentance. If you can’t do it in person, you’ll do via IM. Don’t forget to pick up S1. S2 is sick.
I won’t forget the things you’ve said to me over the past few months. Not ever. LM, I had a terrible childhood. I was emotionally traumatized by my parents marital problems and my Dad’s drinking. Then I grew up and married….an alcoholic, divorced him…..then married you, who before we even got married was intimidating me everytime I had an issue with something I needed to hash out with you. It always wound up with you scaring the shit out of me by screaming in my face. I’ll never forgive you for that. And I’ll never forgive you for putting your hands on me. You can say what you want…..I called you a name, so you screamed in my face. I hit you first, so you hit me. The fact remains that you preyed on me because I was vulnerable. You thought I would put up with your shit….and I did, for longer than I cared to. I thought we were recommitted to each other when we went to counseling. But when you said the things you said about “deserving” a bike and you’ve done “great” things for me. I’ll tell you what goes though my head. The trauma of being screamed at and belittled, interrupted continually, and you constantly losing your temper, not being able to have a human conversation. Who owes who here? If you want me to stick around with you….you do need to self sacrafice for quite awhile. I’m not going to live with your abuse anymore. I’m over it.
You are vindictive so you’ll force me to stay with you and change nothing, just like you have for the past ten years. My heart has been broken enough times already.
We’ll always be friends I hope, because honestly I pity you. If only you put a little effort forth in this relationship. I’m certainly not going to stick around for 10 more years of bullshit though. Don’t bet on it.
PEW
I’m already on the record as saying that when confronted by her co
nstant barrage of accusations and demoralizing insults and high volume in her own right, I would respond angrily - loud. Who wouldn’t? This happens when people argue. However, it always was embellished into this “screaming in her face” situation which wasn’t the case. I had already paid a price on several previous occasions by being within arm’s length and leg’s length when in an argument. There was too great a risk of danger with “screaming in her face” as she would have you believe I did.
Most of what she writes above is, again, pure projection. Before we were married, she’d fight like a maniac. She’d abandon me at social events due to some perceived slight or the feeling that I wasn’t paying her enough attention. She’d left the house many times, even in those first 2-years. She constantly criticized, name-called, belittled, insulted, etc.
- As for her first marriage, I have no reason to believe that any of what she had told me about it was true. I once considered contacting her first husband, but never followed-through. I figured, had he experienced 1/10th of what I did, the last thing he probably wanted was to be reminded about it.
- I “forced” her to stay with me. No, I didn’t. She was free to leave and/or divorce anytime she wanted to. She just never pulled the trigger (until now).
- NOTICE: “I called you a name first.” “I hit you first.” This was an email that made it to court to contradict a few of the lengthy list of accusations I have faced.
- Again, it’s about “owing” her. As if I hadn’t already sacrificed a ton for her and her family for that matter, I needed to sacrifice more. How dare I mention all of the great things I’ve provided for her and our family? How dare I mention going above and beyond what many people would do in order to help out some of her siblings in times of crisis?
- She thought we recommitted to each other? When was that? I don’t think she ever lasted more than 3 appointments at any one of the FIVE counselors we saw over the course of our relationship. More of the re-written history conjured up by the borderline personality’s mind.
- The only predator in this relationship was her. Shame on me for getting involved so quickly after the demise of my short-lived first marriage.
- She pities me and wants to remain friends. Freak.
PEW,
I blocked you because you are back into the habit of ambushing me at work, which I told you I will no longer allow. I am also done with your embellished, if not outright fabricated version of reality.
Since you cannot talk to me without spewing your viperous insults, I will no longer “discuss” any issue with you. If you have something you wish to discuss, please write it down as the counselor instructed, and I will write a response provided it is something that is ancient history or has otherwise been hashed out.
If you include your usual round of insults in your writing, I will not respond.
I’m sorry if that bothers you, but I cannot allow you to continue your barrages while I am at work. You can’t stay on topic when we try to discuss it. Your history (and today) demonstrate that you cannot do it rationally via instant-messenger. Therefore, you can type it up or handwrite it and I will read and respond as appropriate.
The days of the knock-down drag-out are over.
~LM
Well, they weren’t really over, but they would certainly be minimized, even though that would take several more years and learning about low-contact and no-contact methods.
LM,
you are the one who is not in touch with reality. My days of counseling are over. As for Instant Messenger I don’t need to talk to you anyway. I have no desire to discuss our relationship because we don’t have one aside from the kids. I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true and that didn’t happen. Don’t be suprised if you come home some day and I’m gone….that’s all I’m telling you.
~PEW
I guess that was the warning. Truth be told, during face-to-face discussions and debates that were occurring over the Christmas holidays, I strongly suspected that this would be the time she might follow through. Between the aberrations in the finances and her running up the credit cards and lying about her income - I started to get the feeling. As unprepared as I was despite my suspicions, I did take a few steps in preparation, but those efforts were very small in the overall scheme of things and what was to come.
(She would register and a new AIM-name and I would continue to engage her for a few months more.)
June 6th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Email, IM, and other online tools seem to be a favorite venue of harassment/hiding for PEW’s. I’m constantly in awe of the cowardice, and the apparent belief that others aren’t aware that their online assaults are demonstrative of their inability to handle matters face-to-face in an effective manner. So much of what you write is recognizable in someone else I know, and I am only that much more disgusted that people can choose to behave this way, especially when they have kids.
June 6th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Hey-
I just wanted to say thank you so much for your support in the last few weeks. I haven’t been commenting much on people’s sites, and feel dorky about that, but my energy is a little low. So, just thanks for stopping by and being supportive.
-blue
June 6th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
You’re welcome, blue.
Smirking Cat - one can hope that as often as that certain someone comes here to read, perhaps she’ll see a little bit of herself in all of the intense rage and anger - and perhaps do something to change things for the better.
June 7th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
The high incidence of the BPDers to project their very actions onto the person they are wailing at just amazes me. The e-mail PEW sent you could have been written word-for-word by my DH’s nutjob ex-wife - in fact, he has received e-mails that were written almost exactly like this particular one you received!
Oh, and I have one looming question for PEW…..if you were supposedly so intimidating and unwilling to allow her to discuss her issues BEFORE you two got married, then why, exactly, did she marry you, since you were apparently so HORRIBLE and all??
UGH. The victim role these people put themselves in makes my stomach churn. It’s been over 3 years since their divorce, yet we still hear it CONSTANTLY from our nutjob - “YOU did this to me, DH, and YOU did that!”….and most of her drivel is related to something that went on between them 5-10 years ago, which she (of course) has spun into whatever she needs it to be to appear victimized.
Funny….DH has been married to me (a normal AND really likeable woman - or so say those who know me….and the nutjob knows it too…which kills her, I’m sure) for 2-1/2 years now, yet the nutjob can’t get a man to stay around - and she gets around as much as possible, from what we’ve heard. We live in a very gossipy community (which I avoid - I’m a rebel like that!), and many people in it know the nutjob. I always get the, “Ohhhhh….he was married to HERRRR….” when I say my last name and they ask if I know her.
All her bashing of DH in the community is coming back to haunt her - I think everyone who was snowed by her projecting and victimized lies is starting to understand the truth…because she is still making poor choices in the community (i.e., trying to sneak out of a local upscale restaurant bar without paying the bill that the singles group she was with stuck her with because she was tanked and chose to stay and keep on drinking….), and she has no legitimate reason to keep blaming DH for the turmoil in her life.
Oh, the projection and lies. Barf.