You Should Have Custody of Them

That's what she says when deciding whether or not she wants to leave on March 3, 2003. Not only won't she leave, she won't have her "attorney" draw up any agreement. She never does.


PEW: ok. well i'm back
LM: lol
PEW: i wanted to see how you would feel about something......
LM: And that is?
PEW: if I went to stay with my parents for awhile, without the boys.......but of course still watch the boys during the day......and then leave when you get home......and we'll alternate weekends until we make a final decision.....
LM: PEW, you do whatever you feel you need to do.
PEW: but we'd have to have an agreement in writing because I don't really want it to be permanent. i know you always think i'm jerking you around.....but I have an appointment on Thursday and since i'm paying $100/hour i want to know what you're going to agree to.....so please don't just say......do whatever you need to do PEW
LM: If you want to go stay with your parents as you describe above... I'm not going to argue with you about it. Seriously.
PEW: that's fine, but it has to be done legally...... so there is no screwing around....on my weekend verses your weekend
LM: That's fine.
PEW: when I come to pick them up I don't want a scene or anythign
LM: No problem.
PEW: well i won't be going until after everything is signed.....so i'll have the lawyer make up an agreement and then we'll make arrangements for you to sign
LM: Okay.
PEW: and this doesn't mean that we are at odds with each other....... we can still be cordial and friendly and stuff
LM: No problem. I told you before, PEW - you do what you need to do. If you aren't happy and it's because of me, you do what you have to do to be happy.
PEW: I'm trying.....but you don't make it easy. i won't be happy living with my parents........I'd be happy in my own place
LM: Well, I told you before, I'm not into getting a divorce.
PEW: well if i could figure you out maybe it would give me some hope.....
LM: There is nothing to figure out.
PEW: LM, you were down right mean that night when I came home from work..... very unpredictable.....you got mean way before I said anything nasty
LM: I'm not going to debate with you what actually happened, okay?
PEW: yeah I know
LM: I said nothing "mean" to you. Nothing at all.
PEW: which is exactly the problem
LM: I got frustrated by a couple of questions, and you immediately launched into your "fucking asshole" routine. That's what happened. Sorry if my frustration pissed you off, but please don't tell me I was "mean" to you. That's simply untrue.


While any surgery or medical procedure can be nerve-wracking, PEW made this laproscopy sound like it was a high-risk proposition. I did not minimize her nervousness. On the contrary, I did my best to put her mind at ease.

One late night, while working on the PC, she came into the room and asked me a rather vague question. It was a sort of "meaning of life" question. What is our purpose in life. It was a question I took seriously. After a few moments of pause, I gave her what I believed was a meaningful answer. It included things like doing right by others, treating people right, and broad subjects like that. For the most part, though, it was really about living a good life, focusing on the children, and providing them the best possible guidance to give them the greatest chance of becoming successful, well-adjusted adults.

When I finished and was looking at her, there was a long pause. She seemed completely unaffected and replied, Is that it? Is that the best answer you can give me?

I was pissed and told her so while telling her to take a hike. I simply wasn't interested in speaking with her anymore after she totally blew it off.


PEW: if the person who I feel wronged me doesn't feel they did anything wrong.....there's not much to look forward too
LM: Incorrect.
PEW: i don't care anymore
LM: I said I got frustrated with some of the things you had asked (a few nights before) and frustrated with your worry over the laproscopy. I didn't say that wasn't "wrong." I didn't say that you didn't have a right to be mad at my frustration.
PEW: i really really don't......the kids are so good for you .....and all I do is complain about them.....then you should probably have custody of them


I know you're all probably thinking about how this and others like it - didn't matter during the custody battle. Me, too. It's hard to imagine that a parent who complained so incessantly about the children and "couldn't stand them" and "couldn't handle them" and so on... along with everything else - could be given primary custody of the kids. Then, it's not really hard to imagine. It happens all the time. It happened despite the fact that I had primary custody for a short period after she had initially moved out (about 60%-65% of the time), but on the advice of her attorney, she made a change at work that would leave me little choice than to change things up. One of many early mistakes made in this journey.


LM: But I never deserve the venomous outrage that you constantly launch into when you are mad. It's not fair and it isn't right.
PEW: well that's how I feel about the way you talk to me sometimes too.....
LM: PEW, I have never ever ever said anything that even remotely comes close to the things that you've said to me over the years. Never.
PEW: you're catching up though..... you've called me....a fucking bitch....a fucking [c-word]......etc...etc..


Yes, a one-time outburst means I'm "catching up." Her ability to distort reality can be very, very frustrating.


LM: For the first time, I gave you a little "taste" of what it feels like, and I was still tame by comparison. I told you that I had had enough of your mouth.
PEW: and I really don't care.....
LM: And that if this was going to be how you conducted yourself, I was not going to just sit back and take your mouth anymore. Don't make this out to be an "I do the same thing back" now.
PEW: you can call me names if you want......it has no effect on me. I have no idea why it bothers you so much
LM: I was very clear about what I said, and why I said it, and it was simply because I told you I wasn't going to take your mouth anymore. Because it is grossly destructive. That's why it bothers me. People who care about each other don't say "I cheated on you twice... I had sex with other guys, and I'm gonna do it again when you go down your dad's" There is simply no excuse for saying things like that. None.
PEW: well LM, I have repeatedly asked you for a divorce over the past 4 years....and you've said no.....then you told me that if I cheated on you it would be a deal breaker....right? why wouldn't I say that
LM: It's unconscionable.
PEW: you think I'm going to magically be able to get along with you
LM: No, I don't think you will magically be able to control your anger. It takes work.
PEW: why....you learned to magically stop screaming in my face after I called the cops on you
LM: When you do things that make me mad, I get mad, I get over it. I don't call you names. I don't freak out. I don't say the most horrible things to you and about you that my mind can conceive. You have no control over that mouth of yours and it causes most of our problems. A total lack of self-control. Wrong.
PEW: well see here's the thing......it takes two to Tango..... don't put it all on me ok. i'll take half the blame for our problems
LM: I rarely "screamed in your face" and the fact is, on the day you called the cops, I was on the steps yelling and you were downstairs on the couch... yelling. Try to stick to reality.
PEW: and I'll be totally honest about it.......I don't mind leaving
LM: No... this isn't a "half" and "half" problem. It’s all on you why things escalate.
PEW: i don't mind telling you that I'm not going to change
LM: You can't control your mouth. You know it, I know it. It becomes "half and half" when we BOTH exhibit self-control.
PEW: whatever LM
LM: If you were able to find a way to do that, we would have disagreements about things that rarely, if ever, got out of control. You don't think it's that simple, but it is.
PEW: it isn't but whatever you say
LM: You won't ever know unless you try. But since you are on the record as telling me that you "ain't going to change" then it won't.
PEW: unless it's regarding the boys.....I don't really care about your opinion
LM: You rarely care about that, too. Who are you kidding.
PEW: ok let's stop
LM: ok


"I don't mind telling you that I'm not going to change." This would ultimately lead to my making the decision, albeit it only temporarily, to tell her that I am filing for divorce. Then, the woman who has pleaded with me for a divorce for years will tell me that it's not what she wants. Maddening.

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