PEW: "I'm Having a Breakdown"

Yes, PEW has yet another near meltdown over her inability to handle the children. What a way to kick-off the new year (1/8/2003). Remember again, the examples shown here are only the documented situations. There are an untold number of undocumented (face-to-face discussions and arguments) that go along with these. This is where I get frustrated when going through numerous custody evaluations, the evidence is ignored or otherwise disregarded when critical decisions are made to relegate one parent or the other (infrequently the mother) to an extremely limited parental role in the aftermath of a divorce. This stuff, documented evidence of suicidal thoughts and threats, the systematic verbal and emotional abuse (and, much more limited - physical abuse)... all of this was rendered completely useless in the process that I've endured since 2004.


PEW: I wish you'd stop needling me about stuff
LM: ok
PEW: like yesterday when you said, ok I'll fill this out because I know you'll never do it. and when you said meatloaf wasn't a real dinner
LM: #1 was needling. #2 was being funny to get another dinner out of you. The meatloaf was absolutely delicious.


Admittedly, there were times where my attempts at humor have fallen quite flat, though I imagine that's no surprise to some readers. Still, in a small way, it demonstrates my repeated claims of doing (and enjoying) the bulk of the cooking. "...to get another dinner out of you." No, that doesn't make it right.


PEW: and when you rolled your eyes when my sister said that I treat you like a king
LM: You even laughed with me last night. Let me ask you a question. Better yet... I won't. Look, when something happens that I don't like... I'm saying something about it.
PEW: and then you complain to me about not having sex
LM: I'm sorry if you can't deal with that. You have no problem letting me know when you don't like something.


Remember now, this is the same woman who would call me "impotent, gay" and other assorted demeaning names. This is the same woman who will repeatedly tell you that I wasn't the one who was interested in having intimate relations with her. Need I say again that she is the ultimate master of projection?


PEW: well.....i'm about to check myself into [the local mental health facility....]
LM: I don't hang up my pants.
PEW: so you keep it up
LM: I shut doors. I turn out lights. I don't break your balls for "needling" me. These are things that bother you. And you tell me so.
PEW: i don't needle you half as much.....
LM: Whatever.
PEW: ok well you obviously don't understand the seriousness of the situation



She didn't lie there. She didn't needle me "half as much." She needled me at least 10-times more. Maybe 100-times more.

Actually, it has been very clear that I did (and still do) understand the seriousness of the situation. If she had checked herself into the clinic, she would have been doing everyone a huge favor - most importantly - herself. However, I always knew it was an empty "threat" and something on which she would never follow through. Despite these fleeting moments of self-realization, the reality for her was that there was nothing wrong with her. It was always everyone else, including her belief that S1 must have some mental illness.


LM: You're looking for a fight. Not a discussion.
PEW: no i'm not
LM: Sorry. I'm not in the mood.
PEW: i'm looking for help. not a fight
LM: No, you're not.
PEW: ok well forget all that.....
LM: Because when I offer you help, ideas, suggestions... you get pissed at me. So, I'm in a lose-lose situation as usual.
PEW: because if I could follow that...I'd do it
LM: I can't help that. If you simply "can't" follow that, then you should consider seeing a doctor. I can only make suggestions that will alleviate SOME of the things the kids do to bother you.
PEW: I talked to the Pediatrician and she said I need time to myself everyday
LM: When S2 whines getting dressed...
PEW: I don't get that
LM: I break his chops.
PEW: ok my sister is here with S1
LM: I say "git back here" and tickle him or put his pants on roughly while he tries to get away from me.


Just so there is no misunderstanding, when I say I put his pants on "roughly" - it was in a fun way. It didn't take me long to figure out that there are options other than anger and frustration when dealing with the things a near 2-year old does. Getting S2 dressed was one of those situations. I could find a way to make it fun or find a way to make it upsetting.

When I would finally "chase him down" - I would pretend to struggle putting on his pants, jostling him around and using a funny voice during the feigned struggle. This would make S2 laugh hysterically and would almost always end with him throwing his arms around my neck with a big hug. This occurred regardless of whether his escape artistry was rooted in upset or just looking for a good time. The rough-housing dress effort almost always turned into a laughing session.

PEW just wanted complete obedience and everything that was necessary managing the children during the day to be completely without problem. She "can't handle" things otherwise. I'm still not sure what she expected from 2-year old and 4-year old boys. Perhaps she thought they would be self-supporting by then. I just thank the Lord above that I didn't give-in to having the boys diagnosed with phantom ADHD or similar and end up being prescribed drugs to zombify them.


PEW: when you get home i'm going over her house to exersize
LM: If he does get away... I chase him. You... get mad.
PEW: LM, I'm having a breakdown
LM: I believe you. I really do.
PEW: i'm sorry I can't follow your suggestion. no you don't understand. good bye
LM: Don't tell me you can't. You simply won't. That's the problem. What is so hard about that?
PEW: you know
LM: What is so hard about turning his "hard time" into something funny?
PEW: all you ever care about is yourself
LM: There you go. Looking for a fight. As I said. Tell why you "can't." That one simple thing. That makes you mad every day. S2 giving you a hard time getting dressed. Define for me "can't"
PEW: because I have a serious PMS disorder.....
LM: Then go see a doctor.
PEW: and all I can hear is the whining and fighting
LM: I can't fix that, PEW.
PEW: I did
LM: Go to one that understands frigging English.


She changed doctors often. This one in particular, I didn't like. Not that his country of origin mattered to me (Russia), but he was a GP that prescribed her things like Prozac. Despite my lack of a medical degree, it was my personal belief that mind-altering substances for depression and that ilk deserve something more significant that an appointment with a GP. This dude would prescribe her whatever she wanted and most of the time, I had no idea what she was taking.

I also couldn't understand him the one or two times he had called. (His practice didn't last long - at least, not in the location he was at the time.)


PEW: yeah well it costs money
LM: I don't care.
PEW: everytime I turn around something else is going wrong with me physically
LM: Stop putting up roadblocks to allow yourself to piss and moan without finding an effective solution. "It costs money" is not the issue. The problems you are feeling are the issue.
PEW: if you're so great with the kids.....how come they aren't bathed and the house isn't cleaned the nights you're here with them. that's what I want to know
LM: I do wash. I do clean up the floor. I do most of the cooking. I clean up the kitchen most nights. I do the dishes. I empty the dishwashers. The last few nights... I have fallen asleep with them, because I don't feel well.


I just wouldn't stop with my compulsion to repeatedly repeat myself repeating the repetition of repeating things over and over and over repetitiously. Damn.

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