The Psycho Ex Wife

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Dear LM & DW,

My ex works for the [company deleted] in [city deleted] - he took out a restraining order on me because I drove him off the edge

I love the double standard - they treat their wives like dirt and walk out - then get restraining orders because the courts offer them that convenience. [The] last thing they need on earth is a convenience - because they’ll use it - Congress needs to shut down this restraining order business - you should be able to get on UTube and post it like it is - I bought my husband’s name on a website address - that’s also a good one!

Now I get arrested if I even go to [city deleted]. I’m barred from entering [city deleted]. Says that right on the order. So I’m going over to [Deleted] Court and bar something else - hopefully him from walking around without a prison uniform on.

S.

Reminders of just how good I actually have it just pop up sometimes. This actually came to us with the subject line: I am a psycho ex-wife!

Not me! Her! I had the Kung-Fu Grip!

While discussing some broader issues, the root of this August 25, 2003 exchange occurred the prior day. When PEW had come home from work, I was downstairs with the boys playing and watching some television. When I heard the door open, we stopped what we were doing and I said to the children, “Hey guys! Mom is home! Run upstairs and say hi, ask her how her day was!” When they charged up the stairs to greet her, I moved to the sofa and laid down.

PEW came down the steps a few minutes later. I had my eyes closed. When she sat down, I opened my eyes and immediately saw “the face.” What had I done now? Well, when she saw me laying there with my feet up and eyes closed, she thought I was sleeping. The television on and the incomplete board game didn’t clue her in to the reality that we were just playing a game. My telling her that I wasn’t sleeping didn’t help. She just went off, launching into another patented expletive-laced tirade about sleeping while the children are running around the house unmonitored, how unsafe it was, etc. I responded angrily, without all of the foul language.

Interestingly, this exchange remains fairly civil, despite it being another head-spinner.

PEW: listen, we are going to have to make time to talk or go to the therapist or something
LM: Ok. No problem.
PEW: I’m very frustrated. I honestly feel like you’re constantly picking at me. i can’t stand it
LM: Ok
PEW: the longer things go, unaddressed, the worse I feel……and you just say ok?
LM: It depends. It seems if we chat via IM, things degrade quickly. If you want to do it in counseling, I’m fine with that. I apologized yesterday for giving you the impression that I was picking on you. You have a knack for taking an isolated incident, and turning it into “always picking on you.” And despite your claims to the contrary, even an immediate apology isn’t enough. I just wanted to make something for dinner for everyone.
PEW: well unfortunatly this is why things degrade….because you refuse to take ownership. I can’t tape record our entire lives
LM: What part of “I’m sorry for giving you that impression” isn’t “taking ownership”

Psychobabble-speak tends to annoy me pretty quickly. I’m not sure if she was reading books or talking to other disgruntled wives, but the phrase “taking ownership” in this context immediately makes me roll my eyes. Thank goodness we were on instant messenger. “Take ownership.” Please.

PEW: we don’t spend THAT much time together these days, but when we do, you seem to be making snide comments about things or criticizing
LM: What snide comments about what?
PEW: this isn’t new
LM: Again, since we “made up” - yesterday was the only bad thing. Unless you’re talking about your going out to Acme for a few things and coming back 2-1/2 hours later. Yeah, that bothers me.
PEW: I went to Walmart…..and it wasn’t 2-1/2 hours later
LM: Or having to go to your sister’s to personally thank your parents for something. Call me paranoid. Sorry. One night, you went out after dinner. And came back at 8:30. It was 2-1/2 hours.
PEW: that was the night I went to Walmart then to PP’s
LM: No, I’m talking about a situation before that. The Walmart/PP thing was the 2nd time.
PEW: ok, well you can always go with me, you don’t want to. you don’t like to shop with me
LM: ???
PEW: what do you think I’m having an affair?
LM: No.
PEW: well why does it bother you. that I need some time to myself

Did you catch it? Did you? It’s the borderline personality’s ability to set you up in the classic lose-lose situation. In one breath - complain that I don’t go with her. In the next, explain to me that she needs time to herself. A person just… can’t… win… in a relationship with a BPD. Perhaps “win” is the wrong word. You can’t have any sense of normalcy or fairness in a relationship with a borderline. They are amazingly effective at making you feel like you’re going completely insane.

LM: When you tell me that you’re running a “few quick errands” I see no reason to go. And it isn’t as though you say, “I’m gonna go run a few quick errands, wanna go?” I figure you’re running out and coming back. I also figure it’s easier to get some peace [without] me and the kids tagging along.

Here’s the thing… It’s just a small bother… but I know if I said I was just running out for a couple of things… and come back a couple of hours later… without a phone call… it would be a problem.
PEW: trust me, I’d call you
LM: But you don’t.
PEW: but believe me, from now on I will say I’m going out for a few hours
LM: Very good.
PEW: I mean …you could call me. while i’m out and say…hey what happened to running out
LM: Your phone is always dead, off, or otherwise I can’t get in touch with you. I tried to find out what was up yesterday… No answer.
PEW: why no message
LM: No reason.
PEW: well I can do better with that
LM: cool.
PEW: but now we solved your problem, we haven’t solved mine
LM: I won’t bother you about the “2-1/2 hours thing” anymore. I apologized immediately for yesterday. Is there something else I’ve been “picking on you” about?

While it won’t last, I’m clearly trying very hard to keep PEW focused on her matters at hand. One at a time. Solve one problem, move onto the next. Otherwise, I
am defending myself on 5 or more different issues, all at the same time, and they’re probably spread out over the entire length of our relationship at that point. CRAZYMAKING.

PEW: it’s not the 2-1/2 hour thing….it’s the constant criticizing
LM: Define for me “constant criticizing.” Prior to our lovemaking session the other night… we barely spoke for two weeks. Since then… there was yesterday. How is that “constant criticizing?”
PEW: well that’s a good point right there
LM: I want to stay and address the “constant criticizing” first.
PEW: we barely spoke for two weeks…..we start speaking again…..and you start harrassing me about spending….taking too long at Walmart…….no food in the house…… where’s the love? i’m over living like this i feel like my mother
LM: #1… commenting about your “running out” and not coming back for hours… is not “harassing.” #2 - If you can’t take my concern about spending as a legitimate CONCERN, and not harassment… I can’t help that. I can’t.
PEW: well try
LM: In two months, you went from having about $300 on the CC… To 800… To 1400. TWO months. Only 100 of that was “S1’s uniforms” I have an absolute right to be concerned. I didn’t say you were spending too much. I haven’t badgered you about what you’re spending it on. I’ve asked you NICELY to “please keep it in check.” That’s not harassing.

Yesterday, I made no complaint about you not having food in the house. I was undecided what to pick because my choices were limited. That wasn’t specifically directed AT YOU. I didn’t say… “you’re not keeping food in the house.”

She goes into the “shock and awe” effort - tossing a bunch of different issues in my face all at the same time. I don’t mention it in this exchange, but this is the credit card that I didn’t know she went out and got in her own name a few months earlier. I had accidentally discovered the statement and, upon reviewing it, noticed the increasing balance between June and August.

Fact is, I’d say I was rather calm and understanding given the deception. I would pay for half of the ever-increasing spending she would end up putting on it the rest of the year. While sounding a little paranoid, I think she did so with “the end” in mind. I still think it was premeditated.

PEW: and I wanted to go to dinner
LM: Slow down. One thing at a time. Because we’re at a point where you still cannot differentiate between a legitimate concern (CCs) and “harassment.” I didn’t harass you about the CC. I calmly expressed concern and asked you to please “keep it in check.” I don’t want to go back to having $5G on the CCs again.
PEW: well when we were at my brother’s you’re like “what are you buying?”
LM: Because the more we have on the CC… the less we get to “go out to dinner.”
PEW: well LM, the cc will not get to $5. $5G i mean. I’ve seriously had to question what benefits am I getting from being married besides being harrassed about everything I do and say

She’s a liar. It absolutely went straight to $5,000.

LM: See? This is what I mean.
PEW: you say you love me, but I seriously feel that it’s not love for me, but fear of separation. because all this time we’ve been together we still have issues with the same things over and over again
LM: Your issues never get resolved because you don’t know how to. You’ve brought up three things. 1 - I apologized immediately for. 2 - I’m allowed to express genuine, calm concern about the finances. You call it harassment and will just never accept it as anything but harassment. 3 - Taking way longer out that you leave me the impression with… I *think* may be resolved, but I’m unsure about that.

So… now what? I can’t explain anymore on the points you raised. You either accept that I can be concerned about the CCs or not. You told me that you’ll do better with calling if you’re going to be longer. And yesterday, I can’t do much more than apologize for that. That’s why I say “ok” when you tell me you want to discuss it at counseling.
PEW: I do, but I’m unhappy now, and I’m tired of being unhappy and feeling like I’m always inadequate. I want to move on, I want to be appreciated by someone
LM: Conversation is done. We’ll save it for counseling. Thanks. It was a good try though.
PEW: save this because I want to show it to him
LM: Sure.
PEW: thank you once again for forstalling my future
LM: Not fair.
PEW: i’m very fair LM. very
LM: How about being excited that you would kiss me? How about being excited that you’re going back to take classes?
PEW: well we would have kissed two weeks earlier if you had just taken ownership of what you did

Doesn’t that make her sound so smart? “If you would just take ownership.” Nothing screams “someone is filling one’s head with psychobabble” than the sudden appearance of “take ownership.”

LM: Do you always conveniently forget all of the good things? No, you want me to admit that I did something that I didn’t do.
PEW: lots of people are excited for me
LM: That’s not taking ownership, that’s being forced to lie.
PEW: i was excited to make love too
LM: And I won’t do that.
PEW: i was ready to make love to the freakin dog after 2-1/2 months

I’m not so sure that the dog would have been ready for such levels of affection. This is as good an excuse as any to send a reminder to the readership to help control the pet population - have your pet spayed or neutered. Props to Bob Barker.

LM: But you were too busy enforcing your “we’re at an impasse” edict to change things. When you bashed me for not having dinner made that weekend you came home… did I call you out for “harassing” me? No. I said, “Gee, you know what, you’re right… I should have made dinner.” When do you ever say… “Gee, you know, maybe I was approaching things wrong.” Never. You never say, “Gee, LM probably was telling the truth about the sleeping thing.”
PEW: and as far as not speaking for two weeks it’s for just this very reason, we get to a certain point and you say, that’s it conversation over
LM: No, not only do you not believe it, you exacerbate things by telling me that I “teach our children to lie.” I say “conversation is over” because you start the blame game and taking shots [like] I don’t appreciate you.
PEW: and it never resumes again until i’m just willing to forget whatever and go on, but nothing is resoved
LM: I forstall your future. That’s not a discussion, that’s a bitch session. You always say… “We’re at an impasse and I don’t know when I’m going to want to talk to you again.” Then it’s my fault when we don’t talk, we don’t kiss, we don’t make love. You WANT to be at an impasse. You shut me out, and then blame me for not making the first move.
PEW: no, you’re wrong. you NEVER make the first move. sorry but it’s true
LM: When I do make the first move, you tell me, “this doesn’t make up for what happened” or something similar. It’s like a game with you.
PEW: unless it’s just ignoring the whole thing. it’s no game….games are fun
LM: I’m going to shut LM out, and then I can get mad when he isn’t affectionate.
PEW: this is not fun
LM: It is a game. You clearly indicate to me that you are pissed. You want to have nothing to do with me. Then, I’m at fault. It’s a game.
PEW: no, this is my life LM and you are destroying it
LM: I’m not the one who puts indefinite periods of “mad” on you. You do. That’s destructive. I never, ever do that. You do that regularly. It’s childish.
PEW: that’s a load of bull
LM: It isn’t bull.
PEW: if you treat me properly we wouldn’t have to even be having this discussion
LM: I try to be friendly, and you make sure you let me know that “just because we’re talking nice, doesn’t mean I’m not still mad.”
PEW: you should know after 10 years where the problems lay
LM: Then I go back to keeping my distance.
PEW: you lie
LM: This is why I tell you things like, “Let me know when the impasse is over.” Okay. I’m making that up.
PEW: that’s your way of saying…..”we can’t talk about what’s bothering you PEW, because I don’t like to hear it, but let me know when you can’t take it anymore……no sex, no intimacy…and we can go back to the same old same old again”
LM: PEW, right in this very text you say that things would be solved if I “take ownership” of “what I did.” There is only one translation… “if you don’t admit that you were sleeping while watching the children, I will remain mad at you.” What do you expect me to do? Have sex with you when you regularly and clearly indicate to me that you are pissed? You have an innate ability to want to be physically affection despite me “forstalling your future” - I can’t. Sorry.
PEW: no, if you would admit you were sleeping, apologize and say you will not do it again…..and that you will not scream in my face for calling you on it….we could have moved on
LM: That’s not normal for me. I won’t do that, because I didn’t do that. Sorry. You freaked out on me for something I didn’t do. I regret yelling, and I am sorry for that. I don’t hear you apologizing for freaking out, cursing in front on the kids again… and all of the things that you did wrong during that exchange.
PEW: well, it certainly had all the appearances of sleeping
LM: It sure did.
PEW: and for that you should apologize. and you didn’t need to react the way you did

This is bizarre on so many levels. It’s right up there with her often getting mad at me for something I did in one of her dreams. Yes, I am very serious. It wasn’t uncommon for me to be in the dog house for several days for some transgression I committed against her in her dreams.

LM: I apologize for giving you the appearance that I was sleeping while watching the kids.
PEW: I am a concerned parent
LM: I promise you that I wasn’t. When S2 left my lap to go upstairs to see you, I moved to the couch and closed my eyes.
PEW: well why didn’t it go that way when I came home from work that day. you just went from zero to FREAK
LM: Because after getting pissed off at me the day before for “being tired” - you went off on me again.
PEW: i deserved that
LM: You didn’t ask for an explanation. You made immediate, incorrect assumptions, and started with accusations. When I explained the situation, clearly and rationally first, you called me a liar.
PEW: well you didn’t even think that I was up with S1 the night before and then up at 5:30 to work in an exhausting environment
LM: That’s why. Wrong again. I told you then, I’ll tell you now…
PEW: and you had the nerve to close your eyes when I came home
LM: I understand COMPLETELY when you’re tired. You operate like your tiredness precludes my tiredness. As if, because you worked hard all day, I have no right to be tired. You think I didn’t wake up when S1 did?

Another creepy issue. I wasn’t “allowed to be tired” because she was regularly more tired than me. If she was tired, I couldn’t be tired. We’re not talking about - hey, don’t be lazing around and napping - she would get pissed if I simply expressed being tired. Crazymaking.

PEW: no it doesn’t, but you never think of me
LM: You think I didn’t hear the dog’s 2 or 3 asthma attacks?
PEW: if you did you would have gotten up to greet me with the kids
LM: How is my being tired “not thinking of you?” This is where your rationale defies explanation. At NO TIME did I deny your right to be tired. Quite the opposite.
PEW: not really. only to you
LM: It does. Now you just create things to be pissed about. If I did I would come up to greet you?
PEW: no I don’t
LM: When, in our entire relationship… have you ever “greeted me” when I got home from work? Now, I have to “greet” you?
PEW: I say Hi when you come home. when we’re speaking
LM: Almost EVERY single day you work, the first question out of my mouth was “how was your day” or “how was work.” When do you ever do that?
PEW: this is ridiculous. at what point do we say that this relationship is not successful and never will be
LM: Even when you’re perpetually pissed at me… I ask “how was work?”
PEW: we’re going on 10 years together
LM: But you won’t acknowledge that.
PEW: congratulations LM. that doesn’t win you a prize
LM: What kind of person tells another… “We’re at an impasse and I don’t know when I’ll get over it.” See how you operate? You say one thing, and when I prove otherwise, you say things like “well, that won’t win you a prize.” Childish. Do you see what I say “okay, this conversation is over?”

Trapped with the truth - as usual - she gets sarcastic. I try, whenever possible, to avoid speaking in absolutes. When I use the word “never” when I say she never would greet me with a “hiya, how was your day” when I came home from work - it’s not an exaggeration. Never. It’s another atop the pile of things about which she would engage in projection. It was a very rare day when the first thing out of my mouth - even if she was in one of her funks - wasn’t, “Hey, how was your day at work?” It wasn’t out of force of habit, either. I was genuinely interested in finding out how things went. I would listen.

PEW: I say I don’t know when we’ll get over it because you won’t talk to me like normal people talk to each other
LM: I absolutely do. Yesterday was a prime example.
PEW: and you generate your own version of the truth to suit you
LM: I didn’t freak out. You didn’t call me names. I apologized. But guess what…? You still won’t get over it.
PEW: yeah because I want to know when it will end. for good
LM: It’s like not only can you not accept when I don’t accept what you believe I should acknowledge… You don’t accept things when I DO acknowledge and apologize. And you wonder why I say I always seem to be in a classic lose-lose situation with you. I don’t apologize, it doesn’t end. I do apologize, it still doesn’t end. But these issues are my fault.
PEW: you apologized but we still didn’t go to dinner
LM: You want to talk about “taking ownership” - you got a lot of owning to do in your own right. I DIDN’T HAVE THE MONEY THIS WEEK TO TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER
PEW: I DID. I SAID I DID
LM: How do you have the money if you’ve put $500 a month on your credit card bill the last two months?
PEW: the bottom line is, the therapy doesn’t seem to be working does it

Did you catch it? When faced with the horrible truth - she shifts gears and gets away from it as quickly as possible. How did she have the money to go out to dinner? She didn’t. However, saying so would cross her wiring again - so dodge the question.

LM: How? You haven’t gone to therapy in months. It doesn’t work unless you go. You’ve fallen back into your old unfair argument tactics. Something that was working until you conveniently started scheduling work for the mornings we were going to counseling. We need to revisit the fair-fighting guide.
PEW: i’ve called several times trying to get a convenient time….when have you?
LM: You need to stop deciding that you want to be angry for extended periods of time. See? Creating another argument. I’m available any time. ANY time. When you have the time, call and set the appt. I’ve set pretty much all of the others except the one that had to be rescheduled. I’ve told you that. Tell me when YOU are available, and I’ll be happy to call and set it. Weeknights, whenever.
PEW: well it’s kind of difficult when the counselor is 45 mins away and you work during the day, I work during the night and on weekends….we have two kids etc…
LM: That’s fine. When you find an available night, let me know, and I’ll schedule it.
PEW: I need to work because in case you didn’t know….I buy groceries, pay tuition and I have to pay my cc bill
LM: You’re avoiding the issue. And again going off on a tangent. You start by making thinly veiled criticism of me not calling to make an appt. I tell you I’ve asked, repeatedly, for when you’re avialable to go.
PEW: the actual issue is…….if you do not love me admit it and lets move on from there
LM: Now, you’ve flipped the debate to how busy you are and things. I do. I just can’t control how you dispense your anger. And I can change that.
PEW: i don’t believe it, not at all
LM: You don’t have to. But know this… I don’t make love to somebody I don’t love.
PEW: I can’t change the way you dispense your anger either
LM: I don’t make home with someone I don’t love.
PEW: I don’t believe either of those things either….sorry love is the way you treat someone
LM: Your inability to reasonably address issues and be openminded about others confounds me… but it can be worked on. And love is being able to accept apologies, respectfully deal with faults and issues.
PEW: and love is putting someone elses happiness right up there with your own…..
LM: I’ve worked very hard to do that. Have you? You have to want to be happy. Your happiness is predicated
on never having an issue with your spouse. That’s an unreasonable expectation.
PEW: well the fact is LM, I can’t give anymore to you than I have already………my prime is over. i’m tapped out, sorry
LM: And as I’ve told you in the past, do what you feel you must.
PEW: I need to get a little to get some spark of something to make me want to put any more into this
LM: In the meantime, when you figure out a date and time where we can go back to Dr. P… let me know.
PEW: you can see the schedule in the kitchen. and you say, do what you have to do?
LM: Okay, then I will check your work schedule, make an appt.
PEW: what I have to do I guess is either wait till the boys get bigger, wait till you meet someone else, or wait till I meet someone who can help me? I don’t have the wearwithall to do anything at this time by myself
LM: And let you know. Have a good day.
PEW: you’re never going to change
LM: I have to get to work.

Crazymaking.

Well, it was almost the weekend of the bachelorette party which never materialized and probably never really existed. August 13th, 2003. More complaining about the kids. More wanting to just drop everything and leave the kids with me. More “I can’t control them.” More of the same critical examples that a custody evaluator or two decided did nothing to concern them with regard to her ability to parent.

PEW: which one of the boys broke the tassle off the pillow
LM: S2. Dragging them both around by the tassle last night.
PEW: and who put the cactus in the pot
LM: S2. I had to pull him off of the window sill twice last night.
PEW: from now on there’s going to be sever punishments for wrecking my shit. they shouldn’t be touching my shit. they have enough toys here

I had to laugh while re-reading this. S2 was something of a buster at times. Our home had a really large bow window with a deep sill. We could probably toss a twin mattress on it. Well, turn your back for a minute and S2 would be up in the window like a doll on display. Ahhhh… the memories.

What’s a “sever” punishment? I guess now we’re going to step up to chopping a limb off for such egregious violations of childhood like ripping tassles off of a pillow.

LM: Tassles are very attractive.
PEW: no shit….i love those pillows
LM: And putting nice stuff where a 2YO can touch it… is asking for trouble.
PEW: these kids wreck every fucking thing I like. no LM…they need to learn. lost of people with kids have nice stuff. S1 is definately old enough to be taught… and if S2 is stopped while he’s doing it……he’ll eventually learn too
LM: Yes, eventually.

Will all of the people who have “nice stuff” like a flea-market tassle pillow left within reach of a 2-year old, please raise your hand now.

*CRICKETS*

That’s what I thought.

PEW: did you make an appt with Dr. P yet?
LM: no
PEW: well you’re close to having your wish…..of having the house and the kids and everything
LM: That’s not my wish.

Well, it should have been!

PEW: well your wish for me to just deal with being treated the way you treat me and put up with no sex and minimal companionship because your always busy doing something else…..aint happening anymore. you can have the house and you and the boys can destroy anything you want then
LM: Again, you spoke of not being appreciated.
PEW: i’ll visit them frequently

My guess is that this is where I was to start begging, “Ohhhh… nooooo… PEW, that wouldn’t be good at allll… don’t say things like that!”

LM: I certainly could be more aggressive in the sex department… but it’s hard to motivate myself to force you when you’re tired. I’ve NEVER turned down a sexual encounter to “do something else.” So, I can’t understand why you have yourself convinced that is the problem, but I can’t change that mindset.
PEW: please…i can only think of one reason why a man could go 2 months without sex
LM: You think what you want. Hire a PI.
PEW: there’s only a few alternatives
LM: Have me followed. Knock yourself out.
PEW: well it would be great if you actually fell in love or something. that would be the answer to my prayers
LM: Stop acting like a child. You just get mad and have a hard time letting go of your anger.
PEW: if you say so LM
LM: Over the course of the last 2 months, I’ve wanted to boff a MINIMUM of a dozen times. If you weren’t too tired, you were asleep in the boys room. One time, we were definitely going to go, and after you put the kids to bed, I came upstairs to find you in our room, in bed, in the dark, at 9:30. I apologize for not forcing myself on you.
PEW: lemme ask you this….what were you doing downstairs all those times. you didn’t even touch me
LM: Watching TV.
PEW: please who are you kidding
LM: On the PC. Either/or
PEW: I know what are situation is ok, you won’t convince me that you want sex from me desperately
LM: Should I be acting desperate? Trust me… I know how to relieve myself if things get “desperate.” It’s not that difficult. Your inability to let go of anger doesn’t help. That tacks at least a week onto the dry spell. Then it’s “my fault” when I don’t re-up with the overtures. Because I don’t know when I’m out of the doghouse.

Ain’t that the truth! Let me tell you, it was early and often - the dry spells were so long. Thank God for opposable thumbs. It got so bad I was walking around like a real-life GI-Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip. I needed physical therapy just to get my fingers straight again.

PEW: there’s always a dry spell…this is just another. in a long line of dry spells
LM: Well, it isn’t me who is in bed at 9, 10 o’clock every night you’re not working.
PEW: oh well, dealing with YOUR offspring takes alot out of me

There she goes again! So, is it my fault or is she always tired and asleep by 9PM because dealing with “my offspring” takes so much out of her?

LM: No doubt. But I’m not the one here who is railing against the lack of sex lately. If you’re tired, you’re tired. Like I said… I’m not going to force myself on you. As a person who I can’t remember having been up past 10PM this calendar year if we weren’t out at some function, I feel you have some nerve coming at me regarding lack of sex. I’m ready to go if you can find it in yourself to forgive my alleged transgression and move on in a loving fashion.
PEW: well you know i can’t seem to muster up the humility all the time to ask you to step away from your forums….or your poker tournaments
LM: lol
PEW: please….
LM: You please. I’ve hosted exactly 2 tournaments since February.
PEW: maybe if you did something special for me every once in a freakin blue moon. never
LM: Oh geeze.
PEW: if you want it so bad maybe you should stop and buy a $5 bunch of flowers
LM: ok.
PEW: or get a sitter and take me to Burger King. yeah ok. I don’t deserve shit. I get it……and I’m done with it. same shit different year….only now I have 2 kids
LM: Poor you.
PEW: no not poor me…..because your a good Dad so you can have them… I can’t control them anyway

Lack of finances aside… she deserves to be treated to something special, what - with all of the clear and convincing evidence that she did anything other than cause our home life to be completely miserable… complain about me… complain about the children… leave… threaten… she’ll never realize how often she should be thanking the Lord that I didn’t buy a big cactus and jam it up her ass.

Why didn’t I do that? I loved my family. I loved my children. I simply wasn’t going to jeopardize that (for all the good it eventually did).

GI Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip hopes everything is going well in your part of the world!

Today’s post is a two-for-one since both topics were discussed during the same IMversation.

Part I: The Wrecked Car - is short, but interesting nonetheless. PP, the ex sister in-law, I was soon to discover - had periods of black-outs during her alcohol and pill abusing periods.

During a visit to her parents in mid-July of 2003, we were leaving the cookout and walking past PP’s car (actually a loaner from EE, the ex father in-law) I noticed that the left side suffered damage and both the front and rear rims were wrecked. I’m not sure how the tires weren’t flat. I’ve damaged car rims hitting lifted & exposed railroad tracks at 40 miles per hour and those rims weren’t nearly as bad as her rims. She clearly had hit something with tremendous force.

I looked up at her not realizing that EE was outside as well and I exclaimed, “Holy crap! What the hell did you hit?!?!“  She gave me the exclamatory “SHUT UP” look. Surprisingly, at the time, she told me she didn’t know. I questioned how it was possible that she didn’t know given the level of damage, but quickly let the conversation die. Let me tell you, when I hit those railroad tracks, it sounded like a bomb went off inside my car. While the rims were damaged, they weren’t nearly as bent as hers were.

The next day, I asked PEW about it…

LM: So do you believe your sister “doesn’t remember” or “doesn’t want to tell.”
PEW: i’m not sure
LM: Has she ever told you ANY story before where “she didn’t remember” what she did? “I went home with a guy last night, but I don’t remember…” “I don’t remember how I got home, but I know I didn’t drive…” “I don’t remember the last half of [Nephew’s] Party” I think she knows… but doesn’t want to tell.
PEW: she tells me stuff like that all the time
LM: Okay.
PEW: she’s a grown woman……what can I do? I can’t forcer her to tell me
LM: Nothing. I was just idly speculating.
PEW: i already told her I don’t believe her

This was all news to me, even if it wasn’t all that shocking. What was shocking was the realization that leaving Aunt PP alone with the children was always a bone of contention between us and even at this point in time, PEW was STILL lobbying that it was safe to leave one or both of them alone with her.

Somehow, PP managed to keep the car damage from dear drunk daddy and get it fixed. It wouldn’t surprise me to hear that somehow I was the one who paid for the fix given the vanishing finances from my own household.

Part II: The Bachelor Party - is wild, but not for the reasons you might suspect.

My youngest brother was getting married and the bachelor party was going to be a weekend event several hours away from home. My oldest brother and I were going to go together. We could stay at our mother’s home, which was in close proximity to where the festivities were to be taking place.

I was almost always a designated driver at such events and chauffeur to many, if not all. It kept me sober, out of trouble… and kept more than my share of friends and family out of trouble, too. I did this for both of PEW’s brothers, more than one friend, and that was my main purpose for this event, too. On top of that, it has proven to be way more fun watching others make retards of themselves, vomit, get shot down testing their “mojo” on unsuspecting chicks at bars, or turn into complete boneheads at a strip club… not that any of those things took place during this particular event. *ahem*

I “reserved” this particular weekend more than 6-weeks in advance and during those 6-weeks I was sure to remind PEW about that particular weekend. Needless to say, at the 11th-hour, PEW suddenly had some plans which she expected me to alter mine to accommodate. I didn’t.

PEW: i’ll be leaving around 12:30. so what’s the latest you think you’ll be
LM: 12:30. Sunday? PEW… I don’t know. I’m sure traffic will be murder.
PEW: ok
LM: I don’t know the extent, in terms of duration, of the party.
PEW: whatever
LM: Additionally, I can’t get a straight answer out of CAM because he ain’t talked to [wife] yet. In terms of us going together, separate, or what. I may get bored and leave at a reasonable hour (during the evening). I simply don’t have a clue.
PEW: well I don’t understand why you can’t say to me…..at the latest i’ll be home…..4pm… 5pm. whatever
LM: Because what happens if I’m not?

Smart guy I am! I actually know the answer to this question. I suppose I wanted to see if she would be honest about what the answer was.

PEW: but people with children just don’t go away for weekends when they have a spouse who also has commitments and stuff and say….. sorry I can’t help you…..on your own
LM: Whoa. This may be the first time I’ve done anything not involving my family that lasts two days. I’m not sure when your plans were made… but I reserved this weekend more than a month ago.
PEW: maybe we should talk via the phone….because I don’t want this misconstrued……
LM: ok
PEW: what’s that supposed to mean…..you haven’t done anything with your family that involves a whole weekend? have I? i’m confused
LM: No no… you’re missing my point. If you make plans to do something… say… a girl’s weekend getaway… If plans come up for me… I say, “sorry, can’t make it.” I am really sorry I can’t commit to a time home. But I don’t know who, if anybody, I will be driving. When the party ends. When I will wake up from sleep. And I am absolutely NOT going to pick a time, not knowing, because if I miss it, then there will be a problem. The last thing I want to do is cause a problem.
PEW: well I’m not putting pressure on you to be home at a certain time….but
I have to get a sitter. and there’s a difference between needing one for an hour. or 6 hours. if it’s six hours i won’t go to the shower
LM: I know that.
PEW: if it’s an hour or two i’ll go
LM: If it was someone else… not my brother… I would say… “I’ll probably stay for a while and come home.” Or if it was local. But assmeg didn’t want it local, so that makes it inherently more difficult.
PEW: well it’s not difficult……you go Friday….come home Sunday….by 2 or 3 and you tell your brothers that’s your plan. you guys always make everything so difficult…..(you and your brothers)
LM: I’m just waiting for information. And I’m sorry that it doesn’t help with the arrangements. Really. But it’s my youngest brother. Last to get married. I apologize that it’s a problem, but I simply don’t know when I’ll be home.
PEW: what does that have to do with anything……the world didn’t stop revolving when my brothers got married
LM: There world isn’t now, either. Look, I reserved this weekend a long time ago. If it impinges on your plans, I’m sorry. When I find out more concrete information, assuming I even do, I will pass it along.
PEW: well you can’t freakin reserve a whole weekend when you have kids
LM: Yes, I can.
PEW: you have to have some game plan
LM: Do you reserve a whole weekend when you go away with the girls?
PEW: NO
LM: Okay. You don’t go away on Friday night and come home on Sunday?
PEW: you’re un….fucking believeable. unbelieveable

PEW’s wires always got crossed when faced with the reality of her inherent hypocrisy. She was always a “do as I say not as I do” person. This is just another example. I had the courtesy to give her more than a month’s advanced notice, which is not a courtesy I ever got when the roles were reversed. When confronted with this reality, it’s “off to the races” with her mouth.

LM: Okay, here…
PEW: once
LM: I’ll be home at 9PM on Sunday.
PEW: I went away once and I was home pretty early. and I didn’t leave until late Friday
LM: Since when is frequency or when you left the issue? I picked a time. 9PM. I’m very confident I’ll be home by 9PM on Sunday.
PEW: asshole
LM: Is that necessary?

She asked me for a time. At least I had the good sense to pick a time where I was about as close to 100% certain I would return. However, we all know that any chosen time that wouldn’t allow her to go to this shower at the last minute would be the wrong answer.

PEW: i wonder if your other brothers are responding this way to their wives with children
LM: What way am I responding?
PEW: you think VAM said to [his wife]…..I’ll be home when I’m home. no i don’t think so
LM: Did I just not pick a time?
PEW: an CAM’s wife is going to be 10 minutes away down there
LM: I don’t care what she is doing.
PEW: yeah and now i’ll have to cancel my plans
LM: I don’t care what [VAM’s wife] thinks or what VAM does with her.
PEW: because of the time you picked. i know
LM: You knew at least 6 weeks ago… that I was going to be burning this whole weekend. 6 weeks, at least.
PEW: because i’m the only one who deserves to be treated like an asshole. who cares
LM: How am I treating you like an asshole?
PEW: i was invited to something and i’d like to go and I can’t go if your not going to be home until 9 but you don’t care right
LM: I’m sorry. I made plans.
PEW: well i’ll remember this
LM: Every RARE once in a while, we’ll have separate plans that don’t jive. This could be the first time EVER.
PEW: PLEASE
LM: Forget it.
PEW: no you forget it
LM: Go on, freak out. Call me names more. That’s adult.
PEW: i’m gonna call [them] and find out when their husbands said they are coming home
LM: Go for it.
PEW: and see if they got treated like this
LM: Treated like what? It’s always about you. How you’re “treated.” You press me for a time. I give you one. And I’m “treating” you some way. Your histrionics are ridiculous. I’m sorry, but like me, you can’t always attend everything you want to attend.
PEW: no…..you’re ridiculous LM. no shit
LM: If you make plans for a weekend, I don’t go places.
PEW: I don’t attend alot of shit. ok. whatever
LM: Now, I’d appreciate it if you would stop breaking my ass on this issue because it conflicts with your plans.
PEW: my friend’s bachelorette weekend is 8/16…..i’m going
LM: Which came AFTER this was already set.
PEW: all weekend. mark it on your calendar. i’ll cancel the shower. i wasn’t going to go to the bachelorette thing. but she’s my last single friend
LM: Ah yes… the childish “tit for tat” reply.
PEW: we’ve been friends for over 20 years. i’m going. 8/16
LM: What makes you think I would stop you?
PEW: whole weekend
LM: Super.
PEW: make a note of it
LM: Done. You’ve gone away for whole weekends (more than once, by the way) before.
PEW: well if you had been a little moree helpful with the shower
LM: Am I supposed to be upset about this? I have nothing planned that weekend. Go have a great time.
PEW: i would not have gone to the bachelorette. i certainly will. i always do
LM: Super. No problem.

It’s like dealing with another child.

We went, had a great time. Stayed out of and kept everyone else out of trouble. Everyone got home safely. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

LM & DW,

My husband had alerted our PEW that we would be sending a letter outlining arrangements for an intermediary before this — which we now can’t do. What do you think of this letter (we would send it registered, rather than email)? Is it provocative? Is there anything you would add or subtract? We have been writing emails to the children and have received no reply. They may not be checking them, they sometimes don’t, but we worry, naturally, about their actually receiving them.

Thanks for your time,

~Anonymous…

The attempt:

Dear [Yourpew],

Unfortunately, we are unable to implement a third party intermediary at this time. Because the sort of emails you sent after the children’s Christmas visit must never be repeated, we, once again, request that you restrict your contact with us to emails consisting solely of current important information concerning the children. Any other content will neither be read nor replied to.

Telephone calls should only be made in emergency situations regarding the children’s’ health, safety, and welfare or regarding travel and handover of the children when it is in progress and email contact is not possible.

Please give the cell phone, number XXX-123-4567, to the children. It is to be theirs, and used for no other purpose except to contact their father, whenever they wish. It will continue to be paid for for this use, and it must remain charged and in working order.

Please put in place an ongoing appointment for the boys to receive a call from their father on this cell [on Sundays at __a.m./p.m.]. If for any reason (work or travel) “He” is unable to make the call, he will let the boys know in advance and make alternate arrangements. The boys must check their emails, at a minimum, weekly on Sundays and reply to them.

The travel arrangements for the week of [XX/XX/XXXX] are as follows:

[Details]

My suggestions would be as follows:

Dear Yourpew,

Due to your incessant abusive behavior both via electronic media and telephone, we will no longer accept any emails nor telephone calls which include foul language, abusive language, anything other than matters requiring urgent attention related only to the children. Please be advised, all other communications, questions, etc. shall be ignored - no exceptions.

If a phone call isn’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children - we will hang up the phone without warning. If your emails aren’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children - we will not respond.

We expect phone calls to the children to be answered by the children without discussion with you or any other interference. We will call on X-date at X-time. They may call us whenever they wish.

These are the [specified] travel arrangements:

[Details]

Sincerely,
Us

Here is what to expect in response:

• Rage, abusive emails and/or phone calls testing your boundaries. You will need to hold firm.
• She will not answer the phone, in an effort to engage you. If you’re not prepared to take her to court over it (assuming she is violating an order) - there is nothing you can do about it. Prepare to never speak to the children again unless they are in your company.
• Do not do the cellphone thing - she will only confiscate them, not allow them to call/answer, or worse - start running up the cellphone bill to astronomical levels. I know people who have tried this with a high-conflict ex. Many people. Not one single success story. Do not do it.
• She will never put in place any schedule for anything that is convenient to you. Don’t ask her. Don’t expect it. It simply will not happen. Not for phone calls. Not for emails. She wants you to rely on her. She will fail you in her ongoing, almost drug-addictive desire to have your attention, and not follow through on promises or agreements. The only way to get a schedule in place is via court - and when she violates that, you’ll have to go back. It’s the way of the high-conflict ex.

I know that this is not good news for you, but it is your reality. It is not based solely on my experience but it is based on a wealth of experience of people I know with similar situations. The distance between you and the children only makes it worse. You almost have no recourse and for that I feel very sorry for all of you.

~LM