PEW: LM?
LM: Yes...? I'm here.
PEW: I have an interview on Thurs in Dtown at 11am..... and S1 has to be at the Insect Place at 12:30 pm - i don't know how i'm going to do this
LM: We'll figure something out. Even if I have to take a long lunch or something.
PEW: also on the 10th of April I have a mandatory training at 4pm in Atown
LM: Fine
PEW: so i'll have to leave at 3. can you make a note of it so I don't have to remind you 10 times
LM: Put it on the calendar.
PEW: also did you get my message about the weekend of April 5th
LM: Yes.
PEW: one more thing.... i'm going to need help finding child care from 3-5 pm a minimum of 3 days per week
LM: I'll see what I can do.
PEW: because i'm probably going to take a full time position somewhere. once I save enough for a retainer....I'll file, because we're obviously not going anywhere......we barely speak anymore, what's the point
LM: Barely speak?
PEW: yeah
LM: Okay. I thought we've talked about work, the kids, etc. Most of the rest of the time you are at work, at your sisters, or somewhere else.
PEW: polite conversation, that's what we've been having, not like two married people. and I've been going to be every night with the kids
This still makes me laugh. "Not like two married people," she says. So, being polite to one another, making polite talk about our day and/or the children without fighting - she considers abnormal. I imagine that what we've been doing for so long is what she considers "married people" do?
LM: Well, we're in a tough spot right now. Would you prefer I took them to bed? You work Monday, Thursday, Friday nights... forgive me for thinking you might be wanting to put them down on the nights you are home. But I can put them to bed on those nights too if you want.
PEW: it's not about putting them to bed.....it's about not knowing where we stand. and you said you didn't want to talk so that tells me that it's not a priority for you
LM: I think I've been very clear about where I stand.
PEW: i was just saying that I go to bed every night because there's no reason to stay up. i heard you.....but it doesn't seem like you're filing like you said you would
She went to bed most nights at 9PM, maybe 10PM if I was lucky, since the S1 was born. She almost never stayed up later. Like so many other issues, she blames these types of things on the last issue that is most convenient to her victimhood. It was no longer what she normally does - now it was due to something I was doing.
LM: I'm going to the people to whom I was referred. You don't want to.
PEW: and you said if I didn't go......we're done
LM: Right.
PEW: so i guess we're done.....so someone has to make a move
LM: Well, I'm holding out hope that you'll go at some point.
PEW: i am sorry about that.....but I won't be going
LM: ok. I actually have an appt. April 5th. I guess I'll need to find a babysitter for that if you're gonna be away.
PEW: yeah......i guess
LM: ok
PEW: you're wasting your money
LM: Not really. I'm hopeful that it will be helpful. We'll see.
PEW: well i'm not happy living like this anymore.......
LM: I understand.
PEW: life is too precious to waste being miserable together. i've tried
LM: Trying would be going with me to see the doctors. Refusing isn't trying.
PEW: you keep telling yourself that
LM: Okay.
PEW: i don't need to see the Doctors
LM: Okay.
PEW: you do
LM: I am. You're not.
PEW: well I wish you the best regardless. i hope you can find someone that makes you happy. i'm not going to waste anymore time hoping that we can reconcile
LM: It's not a waste.
PEW: you don't make any sense. i gotta go
LM: ok. I'm just saying that if you cared at all about the marriage and the children... you would go with me and make one last effort. That's all.
PEW: well LM, what would happen if I went.....you would be telling one story and i'd be telling another......and they would think we're both total weirdos. you'll never convince me that things happen the way you see them. and I'll never convince you that they happened the way i perceive them. i can argue that with you for free.....why should I do it in front of a stranger
LM: Because maybe he can ask you/me/both poignant questions that may get to the heart of a given matter. Your perception is that we are there to convince him of one or the other person's level of culpability or guilt. We're not.
PEW: no i don't feel that way at all. i know i'm guilty of some things
LM: Well, I don't much care about who is guilty of anything. I care about understand the rage and changing the way we deal with disagreements going forward.
PEW: neither do I.........I just know what I want the rest of my life to be like
LM: And how would that be?
PEW: I have to go
LM: ok
Quick bail-out by PEW when asked how she wants the rest of her life to be. She didn't know then. She doesn't even know now.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I Can Argue With You For Free
Labels: 2003, arguments, counseling, crazy emails, divorce
Posted by Mister-M at 6:51 AM
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5 comments:
This strikes me as bizarre.
PEW is asking for your help with child care so she can leave you. Funky.
Help me watch the kids so I can do this and that...find a job. It shows me that she had no clue or idea what she was doing, nor did she begin to even think about the consequences of her actions.
Seriously, when I left, I was like, ok, I need to work more, I need to find child care for the kids, I need to do this and that etc. Asking him for help never crossed my mind.
That's because you weren't the disordered one.
I'm with Vamomma. I made a list for myself. Finish college, find apt, prepare children. Then I left.
"PEW is asking for your help with child care so she can leave you..."
That's because PEW's consider divorce simply another form of marriage! They expect the whole thing to go on and on...Then they are enraged when their ex has the temerity to get on with his life.
Our PEW regards me (her ex's wife) as a sordid affair he is having. She expected help with all aspects of her life (though she moved to the other side of the country) from real estate, to work, to personal relations. She even asked for advice re new boyfriend.
She has actually said on several occasions how outrageous it is that my husband remarried (she left the marriage, just like LM's PEW)--even now, over two years into our relationship.
BPD's are into the continuing excitement of the pain of a bad relationship (LM talks about feeding the beast)--and having one with your ex is almost as fun as having one when you are married!
GGRR - I don't believe there is anyone out there who could have described it any better than you have here.
They want all of the "advantages" of being married without any of the responsibilities.
Divorce is simply a way to control more of the things that they may not have had complete control over in the marriage (and they are usually successful with the aid of divorce & family court).
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