Should You Expose Ex-Spouse Online? by Maria Moya
I was recently interviewed for this article which finally hit the internet on May 15th, 2008. It should prove to be a good read because many of those who cruise by this site are bloggers in their own right - going through post-divorce hardships with a high-conflict ex-spouse or sharing other, unrelated life-stories which make for interesting reading.
My only criticism of the article rests on the shoulders of the alleged experts who weighed in on the issues. It would seem, for instance, that Brenda Della Casa has a rather sheltered view of the purpose of blogging.
"We live in a world that seems more and more focused on exposing oneself and innermost feelings as a way to gain whatever kind of attention or fleeting support we can."
"People blog and upload photos and stories on sites for many reasons, but I think the main reason is that we all want to feel our lives and feelings matter."
Speaking from my own limited blogging experience, it's far less about support for myself than it is about our support of others. While that may not have been my original intention, the feedback we received here in the earliest days provided me an opportunity to help out others in the same way an untold number of people helped me. It serves as a "Pay It Forward" effort, in part.
If the positive feelings we gain from this experience are perceived simply as a way of gaining attention and obtaining fleeting support - stamp me guilty and know that it's so much more than that. Do I appreciate the support I get from others regarding my own experiences? Absolutely! Who wouldn't? As an aside, Brenda Della Casa should know that people also blog to:
This list is obviously not all-inclusive.
In addition to Brenda's input, a California psychiatrist, Dr. Mark Goulston contributed his thoughts regarding why people blog about divorce.
"They're angry and can't let go. They want to humiliate their ex-spouse. "They don't have anything to fall back on either in terms of competence, a good reputation, ability to attract another partner," he says. "In other words, they are unable to realize and live 'the best revenge by living well.' "It takes away from their parenting, because it's difficult to listen with an open caring mind to kids when a part of your personality is tied up in this crazy, obsessive behavior,"YEESH! Dr. Goulston has a rather harsh and uninformed view of the situation. Worry not, though, I'm here to set him straight on some other realities based upon my knowledge of many members of the "blogosphere."
One thing I've mentioned many times is that anger at my ex-spouse is not what drives this effort. Further, if the purpose was to humiliate my ex-spouse, here's the short list of people to whom I would have shared the blog:
In my situation, Dr. Goulston might be interested in examining why I can count on one hand the number of friends and family with whom I've chosen to share my identity relative to this website.
To a blogger - those I know sharing either divorce, post-divorce, or other life-related family experiences, including myself are:
Many of them have support groups, advice, forums, and a wealth of resources that are helpful to others who may be going through similar experiences.
Too bad neither of the experts saw fit to discuss the positives associated with the voluntary efforts of others. That's not to say that there aren't revenge-motivated blogs out there. The youtube video cited in the article appears to be rooted in just such motivation.
C'mon, Dr. Goulston... it's not all about doom and gloom, not being able to get another girlfriend... neglecting children to blog... or being stuck in the drive-thru at 30-something asking, "do you want fries with that?"
6 comments:
Clearly these experts didn't consider those of us who blog anonymously for support and sharing ideas on how to deal with the difficult situations we're in. If we were posting names, that would be different.
I blog for various reasons. One of the main reasons is because I believe that the family court system needs a major overhaul and I'm living proof.
If I really wanted to get back at my ex--I'd call that reporter from the Post back and spill it all to her.
I'd also post names, etc....
My family has no clue I blog...other than I mention my posts to DH.
I agree what blueydmuse said.
Apparently, the psychologist quoted in the article needs to be a little more educated on the topic.
Read the article--good article overall. However, the other expert quoted who felt blogging was "ethically" not right(she said something similar)...just kinda floors me.
:)
I occasionally read your blog. I would tend to think you DO fit the profile put forth by Goulston. Why do you spend so much time writing about it? You haven't let go of this situation an iota. Admittedly, you have small kids, there will always be contact. Additionally, as long as you have to see her as the psycho ex, you're in the frame of mind and she does have hold of a good piece of your mind.
I went though a LOT of what you have gone through...my kids are now grown, my ex is a mere memory. The spats over child support, the crap about my parenting he gave me when he was shacked up with a drug addict, etc...it all made me NUTS because no conversation was rational.
You can't talk rationally with someone who is emotionally sick. Blogging about it sure is an outlet, no doubt. Overhaul family courts? Heh...good luck on that. Maybe I am sarcastic, but you know, they do the job they need to do here in Ohio. My ex quit a well paying job just to avoid paying CS. In the end, it does bite them in the arse because they found his tax return and promptly deposited it in my account. Then when he did work, they doubled up the payments.
Problem is, as the "rational" ones in this situation, we want immediate resolution. There really is no such thing. You simply have to accept and do and minimize your contact and dealing with these psycho exes.
I'm not sure if blogging is "ethicially" right, jsut seems to be a gray area to me. I didn't. I did post on a few boards, venting my brains out when I was so p!ssed I couldn't see right. And I did like you, I kept conversations as polite as could be.
When dealing with someone who is clearly emotionally or mentally unstable, all I can say is good luck that they don't find you out there in cyberspace. My ex somehow managed to find some of my posts on a board and gave me complete hell for portraying him in an "unflattering" light. I thought "um, you were the one who left, shacked up with a drug addict, refused to pay child support, and neglected a lot of visitation when it interfered with your fun." Luckily, my kids were teenagers going through all of this and "got" that dad was off his rocker. All I did in that situation was pull out the divorce and child arrangement papers and reminded him of why I was pissed and why was he on my computer one of the few times he did come by to pick up the kids? (I usually left if he did come by, sorry...the guy made me sick.)
Hate to say it, but I do concur that as long as you're blogging, you're invovled with them at some level. They for some reason like to keep you roped in. If they didn't they'd either live up to agreements and move forward or you wouldn't be divorced and be working out the problems with you.
Just my two cents from someone who's been there, done that. Six years later, I see it. You're still too involved with the situation.
Maybe Dr. Goulston is BPD and he saw himself in PEW's actions, related on your blog. Redirection is a big BPD tool, right? :)
I don't believe LM is "too far involved" with her just because he blogs. She will always be in his mind because she has control of his children, and frankly she is killing them. If he didn't have children, there would be no point in saving all of this information and putting it out there. It's not about the relationship or even the divorce, this blog is about how the courts and others perceive these situations, how they ignore things and have ulterior motives for keeping children with incompetent mothers. I will not, and no one else should, "accept it" and move on. The reason these things are still happening is because people like Dr. Goulston want to shame people for talking about what happens in relationships and the courts. There is no reason to keep quite about the VERY REAL issues that we have seen, that we can back up with evidence. The only people that are hurt by doing this is our children, and fathers and others that are abused can't just keep sitting back and keeping quiet. Dr. Goulston can have his opinion, and you certainly don't need to believe the reasons we started this blog, but I know at least one person has been helped, and that is all that matters.
I think rumblingabyss has some rather interesting points, I just don't happen to think that they apply here.
When you have children with an ex-spouse, PEW or otherwise, you're involved. My blogging doesn't "keep me too involved" with her. The fact that we have children keeps me too involved with her.
Blogging is just an outlet because you're dealing with something nearly every day. I really don't spend a "whole lot of time" writing about it, much of the history you read about here is cut & paste with some commentary. A lot of the other stuff are thoughts and tips and opinions on a myriad of other topics based upon the feedback from and interactions with others. In fact, it is due to that feedback that I really don't have much direct interaction with her at all. This is evident when you read about most of the current events posted here on the blog.
I have little choice but to "view her" as a psycho ex because of her antics and my experiences. While I don't think the day will ever come - she won't be thought of as a psycho ex when she stops living and acting like one, at least as I define it.
As for rumblingabyss' belief that I "fit the profile" put forth by Goulston - I already posted why that is factually incorrect, though I know you only have my word on that. Good job, great relationship with a beautiful woman, many great friends, and a reputation that is solid.
Unless, of course, rumblingabyss means his belief that "living well is the best revenge" - in which case, then I do fit his profile. ;-)
Goulston's credibility can be called into question simply because he makes blanket assessments about others without ever having met them, interacted with them, and gotten to know them. He's done nothing more than make a guess. His opinion is not a professional assessment of any individual.
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