The Psycho Ex Wife

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Well, it was almost the weekend of the bachelorette party which never materialized and probably never really existed. August 13th, 2003. More complaining about the kids. More wanting to just drop everything and leave the kids with me. More “I can’t control them.” More of the same critical examples that a custody evaluator or two decided did nothing to concern them with regard to her ability to parent.

PEW: which one of the boys broke the tassle off the pillow
LM: S2. Dragging them both around by the tassle last night.
PEW: and who put the cactus in the pot
LM: S2. I had to pull him off of the window sill twice last night.
PEW: from now on there’s going to be sever punishments for wrecking my shit. they shouldn’t be touching my shit. they have enough toys here

I had to laugh while re-reading this. S2 was something of a buster at times. Our home had a really large bow window with a deep sill. We could probably toss a twin mattress on it. Well, turn your back for a minute and S2 would be up in the window like a doll on display. Ahhhh… the memories.

What’s a “sever” punishment? I guess now we’re going to step up to chopping a limb off for such egregious violations of childhood like ripping tassles off of a pillow.

LM: Tassles are very attractive.
PEW: no shit….i love those pillows
LM: And putting nice stuff where a 2YO can touch it… is asking for trouble.
PEW: these kids wreck every fucking thing I like. no LM…they need to learn. lost of people with kids have nice stuff. S1 is definately old enough to be taught… and if S2 is stopped while he’s doing it……he’ll eventually learn too
LM: Yes, eventually.

Will all of the people who have “nice stuff” like a flea-market tassle pillow left within reach of a 2-year old, please raise your hand now.

*CRICKETS*

That’s what I thought.

PEW: did you make an appt with Dr. P yet?
LM: no
PEW: well you’re close to having your wish…..of having the house and the kids and everything
LM: That’s not my wish.

Well, it should have been!

PEW: well your wish for me to just deal with being treated the way you treat me and put up with no sex and minimal companionship because your always busy doing something else…..aint happening anymore. you can have the house and you and the boys can destroy anything you want then
LM: Again, you spoke of not being appreciated.
PEW: i’ll visit them frequently

My guess is that this is where I was to start begging, “Ohhhh… nooooo… PEW, that wouldn’t be good at allll… don’t say things like that!”

LM: I certainly could be more aggressive in the sex department… but it’s hard to motivate myself to force you when you’re tired. I’ve NEVER turned down a sexual encounter to “do something else.” So, I can’t understand why you have yourself convinced that is the problem, but I can’t change that mindset.
PEW: please…i can only think of one reason why a man could go 2 months without sex
LM: You think what you want. Hire a PI.
PEW: there’s only a few alternatives
LM: Have me followed. Knock yourself out.
PEW: well it would be great if you actually fell in love or something. that would be the answer to my prayers
LM: Stop acting like a child. You just get mad and have a hard time letting go of your anger.
PEW: if you say so LM
LM: Over the course of the last 2 months, I’ve wanted to boff a MINIMUM of a dozen times. If you weren’t too tired, you were asleep in the boys room. One time, we were definitely going to go, and after you put the kids to bed, I came upstairs to find you in our room, in bed, in the dark, at 9:30. I apologize for not forcing myself on you.
PEW: lemme ask you this….what were you doing downstairs all those times. you didn’t even touch me
LM: Watching TV.
PEW: please who are you kidding
LM: On the PC. Either/or
PEW: I know what are situation is ok, you won’t convince me that you want sex from me desperately
LM: Should I be acting desperate? Trust me… I know how to relieve myself if things get “desperate.” It’s not that difficult. Your inability to let go of anger doesn’t help. That tacks at least a week onto the dry spell. Then it’s “my fault” when I don’t re-up with the overtures. Because I don’t know when I’m out of the doghouse.

Ain’t that the truth! Let me tell you, it was early and often - the dry spells were so long. Thank God for opposable thumbs. It got so bad I was walking around like a real-life GI-Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip. I needed physical therapy just to get my fingers straig
ht again.

PEW: there’s always a dry spell…this is just another. in a long line of dry spells
LM: Well, it isn’t me who is in bed at 9, 10 o’clock every night you’re not working.
PEW: oh well, dealing with YOUR offspring takes alot out of me

There she goes again! So, is it my fault or is she always tired and asleep by 9PM because dealing with “my offspring” takes so much out of her?

LM: No doubt. But I’m not the one here who is railing against the lack of sex lately. If you’re tired, you’re tired. Like I said… I’m not going to force myself on you. As a person who I can’t remember having been up past 10PM this calendar year if we weren’t out at some function, I feel you have some nerve coming at me regarding lack of sex. I’m ready to go if you can find it in yourself to forgive my alleged transgression and move on in a loving fashion.
PEW: well you know i can’t seem to muster up the humility all the time to ask you to step away from your forums….or your poker tournaments
LM: lol
PEW: please….
LM: You please. I’ve hosted exactly 2 tournaments since February.
PEW: maybe if you did something special for me every once in a freakin blue moon. never
LM: Oh geeze.
PEW: if you want it so bad maybe you should stop and buy a $5 bunch of flowers
LM: ok.
PEW: or get a sitter and take me to Burger King. yeah ok. I don’t deserve shit. I get it……and I’m done with it. same shit different year….only now I have 2 kids
LM: Poor you.
PEW: no not poor me…..because your a good Dad so you can have them… I can’t control them anyway

Lack of finances aside… she deserves to be treated to something special, what - with all of the clear and convincing evidence that she did anything other than cause our home life to be completely miserable… complain about me… complain about the children… leave… threaten… she’ll never realize how often she should be thanking the Lord that I didn’t buy a big cactus and jam it up her ass.

Why didn’t I do that? I loved my family. I loved my children. I simply wasn’t going to jeopardize that (for all the good it eventually did).

GI Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip hopes everything is going well in your part of the world!