Anonymous asks, "What Do You Think?"
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LM & DW,
My husband had alerted our PEW that we would be sending a letter outlining arrangements for an intermediary before this — which we now can’t do. What do you think of this letter (we would send it registered, rather than email)? Is it provocative? Is there anything you would add or subtract? We have been writing emails to the children and have received no reply. They may not be checking them, they sometimes don’t, but we worry, naturally, about their actually receiving them.
Thanks for your time,
~Anonymous…
Dear [Yourpew],
Unfortunately, we are unable to implement a third party intermediary at this time. Because the sort of emails you sent after the children’s Christmas visit must never be repeated, we, once again, request that you restrict your contact with us to emails consisting solely of current important information concerning the children. Any other content will neither be read nor replied to.
Telephone calls should only be made in emergency situations regarding the children’s’ health, safety, and welfare or regarding travel and handover of the children when it is in progress and email contact is not possible.
Please give the cell phone, number XXX-123-4567, to the children. It is to be theirs, and used for no other purpose except to contact their father, whenever they wish. It will continue to be paid for for this use, and it must remain charged and in working order.
Please put in place an ongoing appointment for the boys to receive a call from their father on this cell [on Sundays at __a.m./p.m.]. If for any reason (work or travel) “He” is unable to make the call, he will let the boys know in advance and make alternate arrangements. The boys must check their emails, at a minimum, weekly on Sundays and reply to them.
The travel arrangements for the week of [XX/XX/XXXX] are as follows:
[Details]
My suggestions would be as follows:
Dear Yourpew,
Due to your incessant abusive behavior both via electronic media and telephone, we will no longer accept any emails nor telephone calls which include foul language, abusive language, anything other than matters requiring urgent attention related only to the children. Please be advised, all other communications, questions, etc. shall be ignored - no exceptions.
If a phone call isn’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children - we will hang up the phone without warning. If your emails aren’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children - we will not respond.
We expect phone calls to the children to be answered by the children without discussion with you or any other interference. We will call on X-date at X-time. They may call us whenever they wish.
These are the [specified] travel arrangements:
[Details]
Sincerely,
Us
Here is what to expect in response:
- Rage, abusive emails and/or phone calls testing your boundaries. You will need to hold firm.
- She will not answer the phone, in an effort to engage you. If you’re not prepared to take her to court over it (assuming she is violating an order) - there is nothing you can do about it. Prepare to never speak to the children again unless they are in your company.
- Do not do the cellphone thing - she will only confiscate them, not allow them to call/answer, or worse - start running up the cellphone bill to astronomical levels. I know people who have tried this with a high-conflict ex. Many people. Not one single success story. Do not do it.
- She will never put in place any schedule for anything that is convenient to you. Don’t ask her. Don’t expect it. It simply will not happen. Not for phone calls. Not for emails. She wants you to rely on her. She will fail you in her ongoing, almost drug-addictive desire to have your attention, and not follow through on promises or agreements. The only way to get a schedule in place is via court - and when she violates that, you’ll have to go back. It’s the way of the high-conflict ex.
I know that this is not good news for you, but it is your reality. It is not based solely on my experience but it is based on a wealth of experience of people I know with similar situations. The distance between you and the children only makes it worse. You almost have no recourse and for that I feel very sorry for all of you.
~LM
May 19th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
LM,
You’re completely right. My husband’s ex does just what you said. Phone calls went unanswered or he was told that she couldn’t make them talk to him and that they didn’t want to, but boy buddy when she wanted her way she could make them call. There are no phone calls to the kids now because they continued to be allowed to hang up on him. She’d hand the phone to them in silence (I’m sure a face was made) and they’d sit there and not talk eventually hanging up on him.
Sorry……tangent here! LOL
These freaks think they’re above the law. They think they own their kids instead of parent them.
May 19th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I have used the cell phone thing with success.
In one case, my child was tracked down when here dad dropped her off in a strange town and told her to find her way home(to punish her…did I mention she’s blind?) by using the GPS in her cell phone.
My ex’s sister attempted to rack up my cell phone charges to get me back. The cell phone company was good about refunding the charges…and she got criminal charges pressed against her for this.
The cell phone, like anything in a high conflict divorce, can be abused, but it can be also used as well as a safety tool.
If you do decide to use the cell phone, I’d give it directly to the kids, teach them to keep it charged, and have dad’s phone number on speed dial. This has worked for my kids when they are with their dad. He will not allow them to call me and has hidden and disconnected phones during his visit times to keep them unable to contact outsiders.
Sorry to be in disagreement about the cell thing–I realize that many people have differing opinions on this topic.
May 19th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
No problem at all, VAMomma… I’m certainly not the sole authority on such issues and if there is a success story out there - by all means - I have no problem with seeing them posted.
May 19th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Thanks:)
I guess I should clarify/forewarn sc that any and everything can and will be used against you in a high conflict divorce.
The cell phone can and probably will become a source of contention, as everything else seems to become with these angry, irrational people. For us, the positives in our particular situation of the children having access to a cell phone definitely outweighed the negatives. This may not be the case in every situation.
Wishing you all the very best!
May 20th, 2008 at 2:34 am
I am not a big fan of this type of letter. I do agree that you need to set reasonable and rational boundaries and consistently enforce them. However, writing this type of letter that is basically telling her to stop acting like a nut when looked at by people who might not understand the borderline could cause it to be interpereted as condescending and escalating the situation.
You know for a fact it won’t work with the PEW (it is impossible to logically convince a borderline of something they feel emotional about) and if anything will make her more comitted than ever to obstruct contact. They also get a payoff with this sort of communication as it lets them paint themselves as the victim while realizing that they are still able to upset you and your life.
If this is important enough to go to court over then document, document, document.
You can then say to the court… I regularly have to hang up on her because she starts screaming and swearing at me. For example….on this date, at this time, blah blah blah, and situation 2, and situation 3, and situation 4, ….situation 275.
I have repeadedly tried to maintain regular phone contact with the kids and in 180 phone calls over 6 months I have been refused contact XXX times, got no answer XXX times and 0 return phone calls despite leaving a message.
In my case despite numerous lectures from judges and eventually losing primary custody, my PEW is still not capable of acting reasonable. She is still abusive to me on the phone, and I still hang up when she is. She has violated every court order that has ever been issued.
I used the documentation strategy and eventually flipped primary to me. She is still a menace in their lives and she always will be, however, with primary custody the amount of impact is lessened.
They are figuring it out just fine without one word about her from me.
Good luck, focus on creating the best environment for the kids when you are with them, that will do more for them than winning anything short of primary custody in court. Basically don’t waste a lot of time having a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
P.
May 20th, 2008 at 11:12 am
schottsax,
That suggestion is exactly what I did with PEW. One email giving her notice of my moving to low-contact and why.
It actually served less a purpose in giving her a heads-up about what was going to happen and why as it was to demonstrate to the court that - after years of repeated failures - a change like this was necessary to keep the contact civil. Keep in mind that the other side goes to court, too. Rather than go in and have to explain why you started hanging up on someone and not responding to certain types of communication, having documented evidence succinctly explaining why directed to the other side is extremely important.
With only the rarest exceptions - any phone calls and emails that I get are about matters pertaining to the children and are civil.
This is a direct result of moving to low-contact. One could only speculate whether or not it would be the same without the “pronouncement” email, but fair warning and documentation of same for court was important for me. Further, the many who have taken such advice have reported similar successes.
The rest of your advice is spot-on, too.