More About Me...

The Psycho Ex Wife is the true account of a marriage, divorce, and subsequent custody fight between a loving man, his terroristic ex-wife who we suspect suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (at least from our armchair psychologist diagnosis), and the husband's new partner. We are not simply anti-mother or pro-father ... Read more

Why Talk About It...

The site is intended to help people in similar situations. I have always felt like no one really knew or quite understood the level of chaos that had existed in my life, and this is a way to express it all without burdening personal friends and family with such horrors ... Read More

Archive: May 2008

Stay-At-Home-MOMS (SAHM): Worth $130,000+ ???

Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.

Only because I have never seen an article on what the working-dad is worth to the marital home, I’m going to take a stab at it.

Before I get into picking apart this annually regurgitated propaganda by Salary.Com and spread via other media - I will give you my position on stay-at-home parents. While it’s a wonderful consideration to demonstrate the importance of any stay-at-home-parent - their contention and calculations have holes one could drive a truck through.

They’re invaluable. They’re priceless. Regardless of which parent stays home, I believe it’s better for children to be primarily raised by the parent(s) rather than a daycare. I have a great deal of respect for stay-at-home-parents and it’s top on my list of jobs I’d really want to do… if I could make ends-meet while doing it.

“Stay-At-Homers” are overwhelmingly moms. In some of the internet circles I’ve frequented, it’s clear that there are times when they are devalued (ironically enough - a majority of the time in feminist circles) and not given enough credit for the valuable work that they do. For the record - so are stay-at-home-dads, if not, moreso when dealing with challenges to their “manhood” or alleged lack thereof.

Let’s examine some of the jobs and pay-rates used in determining this calculation:

  • Child Day Care Worker - $20,259
  • Teacher - $44,824
  • Taxi Driver - $27,346
  • Facilities Manager - $73,239
  • Short-order Cook - $27,477
  • Laundry Attendant - $17,917
  • Janitor - $22,440
  • Counselor - $27,638
  • CEO - $545,268
  • Administrative Assistant III - $37,143
  • Accounting Clerk III - $34,842
  • Licensed Practical Nurse - $38,111
  • Plumber I - $33,155
  • Automotive Mechanic I - $30,725
  • Cake Decorator - $21,340

Nevermind that no mom, unless specifically trained to do the daily tasks for a minimum of 8-hours per day - has anywhere near the necessary education, training, nor experience to “qualify” for the large majority of those jobs. Fact is, without it - they aren’t entitled to use those average salaries as a basis for determining their “worth” to the household. (For the record, no dad is, either - but to my knowledge - there isn’t any website that would attempt to do this and pass itself or the article off as being completely serious.)

With only the fewest exceptions, most of the items on that list, fathers do exclusively in many households, if not, in tandem with their spouse, while also working a full-time (plus) job. On the flip side, there are number of items on the list that could be attributable to moms that are rather questionable, either exclusively or even in tandem with their spouse.

I’ll avoid a prolonged argument about the “tasks” above, but spin a couple of them this way:

- Clearing hair out of the drain or pouring Drano down the drain: ISN’T akin to being a plumber.

- Calling AAA when the car breaks down: ISN’T akin to being an Auto Mechanic.

- Giving your kids a “high-five” for good work: ISN’T akin to being a CEO.

Get my drift? Now, before you go berating me about how frigging hard being a stay-at-home mom is and all of the things that you do and how you’re running non-stop from the moment you get up until the moment you lay down at night - I know stay-at-homers do plenty of work, but I call bullshit on anyone who claims how hard it is… especially if the child(ren) are of school age and spending the large majority of their day in school.

Cooking isn’t hard. Cleaning isn’t hard. Doing the wash, isn’t hard. Washing dishes isn’t hard. Managing the children can be a pain-in-the-ass, but generally - it isn’t hard. I could blather on and on and you, the reader, can roll your eyes until you sprain them. I’ve been there. I’ve done it as a single parent - if only a portion of the time (but full days) while unemployed. I’ve done it as a single parent while holding down a full-time job. I’ve done it married when PEW was working evening shifts and was walking out the door while I was walking in. I simply never found it to be what she always seemed to compare to hard-labor in a federal prison.

Collectively - it’s hard work and it all can be accomplished with some meaningful planning and execution. Yes, there are some days when careful planning and execution goes right out the window - but over the long haul it’s all pretty manageable, especially when you have a spouse out in the workforce earning enough money for the household so that you are able to do what you’ve chosen to do.

In any event, when Salary.Com gets around to doing an article about the worth of the working father on that same familial household, they should tack at least some of the following onto the list they used for moms: carpenter, floor installer, toilet installer, auto mechanic (for real), landscaper, woodworker, referee, judge, jurist, banker, stock broker, financial planner, assembler, metalworker, roofer, sports coach, furniture repair, electrician, appliance installer, trash collector, gas station attendant…

Of course, I say all this slightly tongue-in-cheek. The point is that the Salary.Com assessment is so ridiculous as to be laughable. Frankly, I think that the worth of the Stay-At-Home-Parent is something you can’t put a dollar figure on - let’s not pretend that being one is akin to being “some portion” of any of those jobs. Before you go up to your spouse looking for a $10,000+ check at the end of the month, the reality is - it’s simply not the case and Salary.Com is doing no household any favors by performing this annual “study” which is rife with flaws. They really should stop doing it, but I guess the attention that their website gets as a result makes it all worth it.

One of the other claims that often accompanies these types of articles is that stay-at-home-moms do “all of that” for nothing. That’s a lie. Here is my list of “somethings” that stay-at-home-moms get for their efforts (in-whole, or in-part):

  • Free housing
  • Free health-insurance
  • Free life-insurance
  • Free car-insurance
  • Free automobile
  • Free gas
  • Free water
  • Free electricity
  • Free clothing
  • Free food & drink
  • Free entertainment
  • Free real-estate

EVERYTHING THAT IS PAID FOR by the working spouse

In addition, legally (in most states), the stay-at-home mom is entitled to at least half of all of the assets: autos, real-estate, retirements, future earnings, paid training to get back into the workforce, education, the children primarily (if divorcing)… and the list goes on.

I’ll wrap this up with these final thoughts… take the article for what it really should be: show appreciation for the value and efforts of the stay-at-home parent. Recognize the important role and significantly positive impact it can have on children, marriage, and the partnership. It’s hard work that is rewarding on levels that probably could never be matched in the workplace. Conversely, appreciate the partner who is in a position to give you and your family that opportunity.

I’m really not interested in seeing a Salary.Com article about stay-at-home-fathers or those in the workplace and their total financial worth with the other jobs that they may do at home. I’m interested in seeing their article where it belongs…

Wishing She Could Let Mom & Dad Care for Her

Yeah, I know… again with the “I’m having a breakdown” cry. Despite being a regular occurrence, many of which were documented - I remind you that these and her suicide threats didn’t concern custody-evaluator-3 in terms of PEW’s ability to be a parent to the children.

PEW: are you going to the post office at lunch
LM: yes, You?
PEW: no, [my SIL] was wondering if you could take something for her
LM: yes
PEW: ok. OMG…..i can’t take it when S2 whines. first he poked himself in the eye. are you there?
LM: yes. I’m starving. lol
PEW: sorry i know you’re busy…..but I gotta tell ya……
LM: Just type. I’m reading.
PEW: i feel like i’m having a breakdown or something
LM: oh dear.
PEW: between the dreams and feeling just very nervous and anxious and the whining….and us fighting…….i feel so overwhelmed. and work…….
LM: I wish I knew what to tell you.
PEW: me too because i feel very alone. i wish i could go home and let my mom and dad take care of me for awhile
LM: Why don’t you go down the shore or something for a weekend. Take a break.
PEW: when, i have work
LM: What’s more important?
PEW: being alone isn’t going to help me feel better or less anxious, our anniversary is this weekend and we’re not even “together”, going away isn’t going to solve anything
LM: ok

Well, at least this was a short one, right?

I can’t help but think to myself, if I poked myself in the eye today, I would whine like a 2-year old.

Additional thoughts - that not only was PEW incapable of recognizing just how serious a problem she has, but no one around her had the ability to either recognize the depth of her issues or gave enough of a crap about them to see to it that perhaps she got some real help. Of course, given the pathology that is rooted in her own family, it probably is a bit much to have expected.

Also, this is a prelude to another holiday season. It’s the week before Thanksgiving in 2003.

I’m Gonna Tell My Dad!

On September 25th, 2003, PEW starts a fight about me allegedly being selfish. She against describes “having a breakdown.” She demanded that I cancel plans to have some of my family over to celebrate S1’s birthday. She demanded this not because anyone was sick, but because she didn’t like me talking to one of my brothers about motorcycles. She closes by threatening to leave again and, of course, take the kids with her.

PEW: i’m having a freakin breakdown
LM: Whassa matter?
PEW: everything. cancel tomorrow night. i’m not up for it. and S1 is sick
LM: ok. Why don’t you and J.. go out or something? That way, if he’s feeling better, I can still have them over?
PEW: you’re such a selfish bastard i’m so sick of this

Okay. I can handle having people over without her being there. I even suggest that she go out with a friend - no problem. This makes me selfish.

LM: What are you talking about?
PEW: it’s all about you. always
LM: Ah, the dreaded AIM attack.
PEW: whatever, well I’ll hold the rest till you come home at lunch
LM: I’m really sorry I can’t get home.
PEW: kiss my ass
LM: Amazing your mood swings again. 3 days ago… pissed off miserable. Last two days… happy and funny. Today… pissed off miserable. Unreal. All because I can just up and walk out of work today.
PEW: talk about mood swings. you’re the king of that shit. at least I have a reason. i have actual stress
LM: If you say so.
PEW: you act like it’s news that i’m sick of this. that i’m sick of you
LM: How is it you go from wanting a divorce 3 days ago… To lovey dovey kissy face hiney pinch the last two days… To, freak out on LM again today? That’s mood swings. I never do that to you. Never.
PEW: because I pray that you’ll be different…then you just prove how selfish you are again and again selfish to the core
LM: Selfish how? Because I can’t leave work?
PEW: worried about motorcycles and having your brothers over…. you don’t give a rats ass about what I have going on
LM: I’m not worried about motorcycles.
PEW: as usual, bull
LM: Hey, it’s okay that you can drop and go to your family’s whenever.
PEW: you can drop and go to your family anytime too….you’re just too lazy to
LM: I want to have my family over to wish S1 a happy birthday… and you want to put the kibosh on it… and have the NERVE to say I”M selfish. And it’s about ME. Hysterical.
PEW: HE”S SICK, ass
LM: How many times have you taken the boys out “sick” PEW?
PEW: I have to take an exam tomorrow. the only ones left coming are CAM and [wife].

This wasn’t a big production we’re talking about here. When the original cook-out was planned, several of the boys’ Uncles were out of town and couldn’t attend. So, I asked a couple of them over for some coffee and cake - a short visit to wish S1 a happy birthday and see his cousins. This was really no big deal, but as with most things - it was apparently a set of catastrophic circumstances with which the PEW was unprepared to handle like an adult.

LM: S2 was sick when you took him last night?
PEW: do you really think they want [niece] to be around sickness
LM: How about when you took him down your parents Tuesday night?
PEW: yeah because there are no children there
LM: Ohhhh… so it’s not about his being sick… it’s about other children now? I see. It’s about you. Not being there. Isn’t it? You have something to do.

Ah, yes - the “do as I say, not as I do” edict. So, here she is claiming that S1 is sick and that he shouldn’t go out. We shouldn’t have visitors. Well, I ask her about her going to her families and other places with the children when they’re sick. That’s okay, according to her. Having my brother, his wife, and my niece over to wish S1 a happy birthday apparently was not proper protocol.

PEW: what are you talking about. like what?
LM: You wanted me to cancel because you have to go take your test. Now, S1 has a red throat, and you conveniently have a different excuse.
PEW: I have to take the test before 4
LM: I see.
PEW: it doesn’t impact people being over
LM: Okay.
PEW: but this isn’t about his birthday. he had a birthday celebration. so it’s not about him…..
LM: It is about him. Was CAM and [wife] there? MJM and [wife]?
PEW: and we know you don’t care that I’m stressed and don’t feel like cleaning
LM: What party did we have for him?
PEW: MJM and [wife] can’t come
LM: Oh… that’s right… YOUR family.
PEW: that’s not my fault. you’re family couldn’t be here on his birthday
LM: I want to invite my family over, and can’t… because YOU don’t want it.

Borderlines like to isolate their targets from everyone that means anything to them. Friends, family, children… if it isn’t all about them - it’s just wrong. This demonstrates that tactic which PEW used often.

PEW: no S1 is SICK and I have a night off
LM: Well, I’ll let CAM and [wife] decide.
PEW: I don’t feel like entertaining
LM: Go out if you don’t want to be there. Go visit your mom. Go visit your sister.
PEW: fuck you
LM: Go out with J… 3 times I’ve rescheduled this thing.
PEW: i’m waiting to talk to my Dad. I think I am moving back home with the kids you can’t stop me
LM: No you’re not. Watch me.
PEW: a judge will decide not you
LM: ok

There I go being selfish again. If you don’t want to entertain - go out. See a friend. Go relax somewhere. I’ll take care of everything. Of course, this was simply about inconveniencing me and isolating me (and the kids) from my side of the family.

PEW: so anyway……. I can’t help the fact that I have to work
LM: I know. Really. I do.
PEW: well when I start working full time, what are you going to do? I mean it can’t always be me? does anyone else have small children there? what do they do? the ones who’s wives work
LM: I don’t know. Daycare? I don’t really concern myself with what other people do.
PEW: well i’m asking because it seems like lately your just like oh well PEW, it’s your problem
LM: It’s not “your problem.” It’s our problem. Is it your expectation that, if we can’t get coverage in a situation like this, I should call out?
PEW: i’m not asking you to call out……i’m saying I called out on Tues…. I had to take S2 to the dentist with me and to the therapist. I have a test tomorrow at [the college] that I have no coverage for….. a meeting with [boss] monday…..no coverage…… and today I took S2 with me to the chiropracter last week…….and the dentist and the doctors. do you ever have to do that? sometimes I gotta have both kids with me
LM: Look, I know you can’t do it for everything… but the first thing I do is try to set my appointment at times that I don’t have to worry about that. I make Dentist appts. before work. I make Dr. appts. over lunch. Or after work. Or on the weekends.
PEW: yeah me too…..but I work at night and on the weekends. you have no idea do you?
LM: I do.
PEW: just that you would say that…..tells me that you don’t. I work almost all saturdays
LM: Do you have to work “all Saturdays?”
PEW: and 2-3 nights during the week. if I want money. yeah i do
LM: That’s not what I asked. No, you don’t. You don’t HAVE to work all Saturdays.
PEW: well i certainly can’t pick up more days during the week in lieu of saturdays
LM: You can make appts. over lunch time when I can be home… and sneak out a little early and go back a little late.
PEW: then I wind up with this situation. the kids get sick…..SIL can’t babysit…….i’m screwed
LM: If you have to make a Drs. appt. - then what you can pick up shouldn’t be that important.
PEW: well i make my schedule a month a head of time
LM: If the kids get sick, and we can’t get a babysitter… work is going to have to allow you to come in two hours late. Until I get home.
PEW: that’s not always possible. i’ve done that several times already. your work is going to have to let you leave early
LM: No, it isn’t.

PEW is the master at putting herself in the position of being put-out. She is the master of victimhood. Even when faced with simple, logical, convenient ways to handle her regular “impositions” - she simply cannot accept them. Only making adjustments to suit her ever-changing demands which are most inconvenient for me and, at the time, potentially put the job at risk - are the solutions she wants. Leave work when I say. Go when I say. When I say “jump” - you say “how high.” Simple, logical solutions which put the onus on her to plan appropriately and when I could most easily accommodate those scheduling glitches were simply not doable.

For me, the choice was simple and I held my ground:

  1. Take the children with you when you have to do these things.
  2. Go when I can most easily be able to be there to accommodate them, like I do, with the fewest exceptions.

For People Who Are So Smart, You’re Idiots!

On Sunday, May 18th, 2008, we did a custody exchange for my week. For the fourth consecutive weekend, S2 was dropped off not feeling well. Only one of those weeks did it last into the week (not including this past week).

The week in summary went like this: Sunday, S2 had a fever. After an evening of Tylenol, fluids, and rest - Monday morning he woke up fine and went to school. He was fine all week long. Thursday, at aftercare at the school, he complained again of not feeling well. When I arrived, he had a “sick face” on but didn’t have a fever when we got home, and in a little while, felt fine again. Friday morning, spry and excited for activities at school, no fever, he went. At 11:00AM, I get a call from the school nurse - he has a fever of 100.1 and is complaining of a belly-ache. I pick up both boys from school early since it was a half-day anyway. Tylenol and lots of water - by Friday night he is fine. Saturday he is fine but does get a slight fever Saturday evening. One dose of Tylenol and he is fine inside of 30-minutes. Sunday he is fine up to and through the exchange back to PEW.

Nothing too dramatic, S2 complained of nothing other than an occasional belly-ache when he did have a fever, but he ate everything all week long and didn’t throw up or show any other signs of anything. Both boys were excited for the extended weekend and whatever it was that mom had planned for them.

LM,

I know you don’t like getting these kinds of emails from me, but it’s times like this when I really question your parenting…… You realize that you let S2 suffer from Sunday to Sunday with some kind of sinus infection or something?? You had to hear it in his voice and if he had a fever Sunday….then monday, then tuesday, then weds…and then had to get picked up friday early….obviously he need to see a Dr.

Why the hell didn’t you take him to the Dr? Instead now he has to suffer through a holiday weekend SICK. It’s not a virus, virus do not last for 8 days. So between you and DW, neither one of you had the common sense to take the kid to the Doctor? It is a mind blowing experience to be on the other side of parenting two children with you. I know you won’t admit it, but you screwed up……and S2 could have been better by last tuesday. This is why, I lose sleep at night…worrying about what kind of mis-judgements you will make that could be potentially dangerous. Would you wait to take him to the Dr. until the fever got so high, he went into a coma or something? Then what? For people who are supposedly so smart, your idiots. I know you wont’ respond because there’s nothing to say…..except you’re sorry to S2. And you can do that next week.

~PEW

For the record, I cut her email into paragraphs for easier reading. It was just one big giant paragraph - the usual when she is raging.

The email also demonstrates her uncanny and consistent ability to turn any seemingly mild ailment into a potential catastrophe, up to and including potential coma and death.

My initial reaction is to violate the low-contact principles that I often preach about and so many, myself included, have seen great success. That “Fantasy Email Reply” will close out this post. However, I reign myself in and choose the right path - since it is involving a matter pertaining to the children’s well-being (specifically, S2’s illness) - I respond and trim a lot of the “fat.”

PEW,

- S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

- He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it went up again on Saturday at Uncle VAM’s. He did not have a fever every day this week.

- Unless you took him to the doctor, please stop with your diagnosis. If you went to the doctor, let me know what he said, otherwise, stop the harassment.

- He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

Let’s not forget, either - he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. Further, he was also delivered to us sick the prior exchange, the exchange before that, and the exchange before that.

It might be time to consider exploring what you feed them (dietary changes) and what they have to drink (soda, juices, etc. to extreme). I would also remind you that when I had them “full time” last summer… neither S1 nor S2 were sick a single time. Check out the things you’re doing and see if any changes may help. Since the custody change, they simply haven’t been sick unless you’ve delivered them to us that way and they’ve always been returned healthy, except for this time… all of which can be documented.

Thanks,
LM

Yes, before you go beating me up, I realize that the last paragraph is full of “fat” much of which should have been excluded. Yes, I’ve also admitted that despite my low-contact advice - I am prone to slip beyond what is the minimum contact necessary on occasion.

Though she’ll likely deny it - I thought it important to remind her that this would be the 4th time in a row she’s delivered the children with at least one of them sick. I also know that she’ll completely deny it because it’s not in keeping with her believe that the opposite is “always” the case (projection).

LM,

You are lying. They have been sick since the custody schedule change while they were with you….more than once. S2 was not sick any of last weekend until sunday. Also, there was only one other exchage where they weren’t feeling good….. I haven’t delivered them sick repeatedly. I am the parent who actually takes them to the Dr. because I am not a cheapass, like you. He was asleep on monday night when I called at 6pm. Everytime I spoke to him he said his fever was going up and down. They both told me he almost wasn’t able to go to school on tuesday. They aren’t babies anymore, they know what fevers are and they know what the days of the week are. Both kids told me that you were pumping him full of Tylenol all week….you know that causes liver damage right?

They don’t drink soda and juices to extreme and they eat a healthy diet over here. AND it’s not the school nurses job to diagnose illnesses. It’s up to the parents to take them to the Dr. when they have a continued unexplained fever for 7 days straight. When I take him to the Dr. I will ask if you called…..I’m sure you didn’t because they would have told you to bring him in…I think after 10 years I should know. You’re a lier and a cheapskate…that’s why S2 is sick.

~PEW

Good grief - now the child is going to have liver damage on top of a coma.

This is when my responses will typically end. One contact. One explanation (if appropriate), and then just let her escalate if that is her desire. You can’t reasonably discuss things with someone with such an uncanny ability to re-write history to suit her own arguments.

The reality is - when I call and explain that he has a fever and no other apparent symptoms (I did explain belly-ached, with no throwing up) - Tylenol, fluids, rest. Doctors do NOT want you to bring them in at the drop of a hat. We have immune systems to fight off regular ailments such as these and I have never refused to take the children to a doctor when appropriate or told to “bring them in.”

For the record:

  • Child Hospital Visits Since Split: PEW = 4. LM = 0.
  • Child Doctor Visits Since Split: PEW = I lost count. LM = 1.
  • PEW visits the doctor so frequently because it makes her feel and appear like the “doting mother.” DW and I, on the other hand, we just take care of the children when it’s obviously in our power to do so.

THE FANTASY EMAIL REPLY: (Emails we’d like to send, but know better.)

PEW,

S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it spiked on Saturday at VAM’s. Unless you took him to the doctor, here you go again acting like one yourself and we know how many times you’ve made “diagnoses” that were unnecessarily extreme and a complete figment of your imagination. From sun-poisoning, to tetanus, to coma and potential death - it’s would be rather comical if I didn’t think you actually believed your own tripe.

He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

Let’s not forget, either - he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. He was delivered to us sick the three prior exchanges, too. My guess is if you spent more time examining the things you do and the items you feed them, you might actually make a contribution to minimizing these types of incidents, too. Thanks for your concern, but your latest, hysterical arm-chair diagnosis is nothing more than another excuse for your usual mindless raging anyway.

~LM

Child Support: The Fallacy, The Fraud, And The Failure

Child Support: The Fallacy, The Fraud, And The Failure

The American Legal System At Its Worst

A Historical Perspective

The fundamental changes in American Law that lead to the body of law we now call, “Family Law”, arose in 1960’s, born of the Feminist Rights Movements. Let’s make it clear from the start that the flaws and failures of the “family law” system are not of the making of that movement, and that both their intent and causes were good and just.

A sociological study done thirty some years ago found that only 40% of “fathers” nationwide paid any support for their children. Somebody in government got the bright idea that we could save the taxpayer scads of money, paid out in welfare, if those fathers were “held responsible” for supporting their own children.

The theory wasn’t half bad, just founded on a fallacy. Multiple studies, beginning from that point and continuing yet today, demonstrate this. Today, even the author of that study made more than thirty years ago, admits that the “statistical model” used to analyze that data was fundamentally flawed. In fact, the statistics showed that, back then, 80% of fathers paid child support. Yet even today, that study is widely quoted in numerous articles and legislative hearings regarding issues of child support.

Today, we know a whole lot more. Today, those same statistics show that currently 80% of fathers pay child support. Further, we know that another 13% of fathers simply cannot afford to pay anything. Another 3% acknowledge a “responsibility”, but refuse to pay because they are denied access to their own children, and another 3% claim they are “forced into hiding” by the child support enforcement system and unable to pay for fear of revealing themselves. Total: 99%. Ergo, only 1% of men actually qualify as what could truly be considered “bad dads.”

Please note that the percentage of men paying support for their children more than thirty years ago is identical to the percent of men paying that support today. The system itself has failed by that very fact, because it has not reduced the demands on welfare at all, as was its original intent.

The Fraud

Enter the lawyers. The entire “family law” system is founded on litigation, lots of it, and solely serves to feed the legal community. Much can be said about the scam perpetrated in that area of “family law” called the Child Protection Services racket, but this analysis will leave that to those more experienced and educated in that field. For these purposes, let’s focus on the “divorce industry,” a government-sponsored money-laundering scheme to enrich mostly lawyers.

Legal Fraud

Quite simply, the law, well supported by the US Supreme Court, states that the State must first demonstrate a “compelling interest,” and by which claim it may then, and only then, interfere with the “ownership and custody” of a parent’s children. Further, that such a claim must be demonstrated in all of the protections afforded through “due process.” That is, all the protections of both the State and Federal Constitution: An actual hearing with testimony, witnesses and statements of law, culminated in a “lawful” finding by the court that accounts to those facts presented and those laws stated.

It would appear that “everyone knows” that the State has a “compelling interest” in the welfare of children - i.e., the “children’s best interest.” This is the first fraud, because the State simply “presumes” that authority, without any of the above procedural due process - no hearing, no evidence, nothing. It is called “procedural fraud.”

The second fraud appears immediately thereafter, when they “presume” to assign custody of the children, presumed to be the mother more than 90% of the time. Again, the US Supreme Court says that “absent a finding of unfitness”, a parent cannot be deprived of the custody and ownership of their children, and that, again, all of the procedural rights of due process must be upheld. Ergo, custody may not simply be “assigned” and then just approved by the court. It must be “demonstrated” in the actual procedure of hearing, evidence, law and “finding.”

The third fraud follows post haste. They demand “child support” from the now disenfranchised parent, most notably fathers. This is the key; it’s for the money. Make no doubt about it; it is not the child support money, but the taxpayer’s money. Child support generally does go to the “custodial parent”, but it is the State and Federal funds that abound for the purpose of “enforcing and collecting child support” that are the real goal of those who “act for the government.”

This third fraud is, at law, no better than the first two. In Civil Law, a “contract”, “debt” or “obligation” is set forth in writing, but apparently not in the supposedly Civil “Family Law” system. They won’t show you a contract, and in fact refuse to discuss it. It is “presumed” to exist. They won’t show you the terms, nor discuss the determination of the amount of alleged “debt.” Again, the US Supreme Court clearly states that a “hidden contract is an abhorrent in law.”

The fourth fraud in law is that minor little detail called enforcement. “Failure to pay child support” is stated as a “civil contempt”, ergo refusing to obey a court order. In law, there are two forms of “contempt of court”, first, civil contempt, which is failing to do what the court orders you to do, and, second, criminal contempt, which is doing what the court ordered you not to do. The former is punishable by fiscal sanctions - fines; and the latter by incarceration. Except, of course, in Family Law, where the plain and simple standard is “pay up or go to jail.”

Both the State and Federal courts duly uphold that there must be proof “beyond a reasonable doubt” that this alleged contempt was a “willful disobedience” of the court’s order, and further, that the burden of that proof is on the prosecution to show that “an ability to pay” exists, but was willfully disobeyed. Except, of course, in Family Law, where “pay up of go to jail” is enforced almost universally: No hearing, no evidence, and no testimony required.

The Practice of Extortion Fraud

In practice, it is a simple system of collusion and abusing the privilege of authority. The “prosecutor” for the child support enforcement system “just does it”, and the judge “just ignores it.” Lawyers, whether willing or unwilling, are caught between hell and high water, but fundamentally are an integral part of the fraud, and reap enormous financial dividends from it.

A couple gets a divorce, and immediately the “presumed non-custodial parent” gets a notice from the child support enforcement offices demanding that they “appear” and reveal their financial information. Many States have statutes that say this information must be revealed, under penalty of contempt. Federal, constitutional law however says that your civil rights to not answer, under the 5th Amendment, extends to all aspects of law, not just the criminal arena. “Too bad”, says the State court, “Answer or else!”

The “caseworker” determines who gets custody, and how much child support will be paid. Enforcement is immediate. The first three legal frauds discussed above are committed in one basic act, not by a judge, but by a caseworker. The court merely “approves” whatever the caseworker says. Supposedly, that makes it a “legal decision.” Note the lack of any hearing, any evidence or any actual “findings” issued by a court. This is the entire basis of their procedural fraud, to simply ignore any actual “procedure” that might demonstrate that essential “due process.”

Ostensibly, the caseworker is required to use “guidelines,” set by the State but regulated by the federal funding mandates, to set the amount of child support. In theory, that is 17% of your gross income for one child, 25% for two, etc. The trick is that they can “impute” your income. The original idea of “imputing wages” was to “catch” people who are making more than they claim or seek “under-employment to reduce the child support amounts. However, it is commonly and widely used to “up the ante” and increase child support revenues.

Your first instinct is to hire a lawyer and appeal this decision. Lawyers, as “officers of the court” are prevented from arguing for your rights in these supposed Family Courts! Either by “court rules”, a fraudulent misrepresentation by the lawyer in as much as the State’s own published Court Rules make no such mention, or by the retributions of the court and prosecutor aimed at all of that lawyer’s other clients. Basically, their sole function is to “cut a deal” for you, probably better than the original exorbitant imputation, but still more than “the truth”.

Since now you are under a court order to pay child support (or go to jail), the odds are that now you can’t afford a lawyer at all. Forget any deals. Neither the prosecutor nor your Ex will present any evidence to demonstrate this fraudulent imputation, and even though you have competent, clear evidence to the contrary, which neither the prosecutor nor your Ex will contend is false, the judge will “dismiss” your appeal. This is the procedural fraud of “administrative ruling.” No actual “finding” is made by the court, which would then have to include that evidence and testimony. Judges will even “wave away” documentation you have, making you just read it out loud, as a means of keeping it from being entered into your record.

Judges are commonly known to “go home and do some research” and enter that alleged evidence in support of their dismissal. This is a further fraud, this time called “substantive fraud”. The judge is “acting for the prosecution”, and “entering evidence outside of the courtroom.” Both are fundamental violations of every State’s Court Rules, and a fundamental denial of any constitutional rights toward due process.

Needless to say, you appeal that decision again, but of it is within the same court as before, and of course the result will be the same. In fact, you are required to appeal twice before that court before being allowed, and told you can appeal to a higher court, the State Court of Appeals. For 99.9% of the population, this is a daunting task beyond their knowledge and comprehension. Without a lawyer, it seems impossible, and the cost of such an appeal can run $15-20,000. Now, six months of excessive child support payments has made you nearly or completely destitute.

It is called “adjudication by fiscal attrition.” When you go to that Appeals Court, they will not “refund” the excess, nor cease those collections, but merely, and only possibly, reduce those payments to what they should have been all along. “The Law” becomes a matter of whether it is bottom-line cheaper to pay their “buddy lawyer” for “justice”, or to pay their extortive demands. The bottom line is that most people cannot afford either.

The Extortion Fraud

Ultimately you reach a point where you cannot pay. These courts know that, and expect you to reach out to friends and family. They are using you as “bait” to “shakedown” the money any way they can. Again, US Supreme Court rulings state that this is clearly illegal. But ultimately, you will end up getting a Show Court Order, demanding that you appear in court and explain why you haven’t paid.

When you appear, the prosecutor will not show evidence that you can pay this money but refuse to do so. Instead you are required to show why you cannot. There is ample federal case law that says you don’t have to “show what is not” because it is nearly impossible to do! More case law that says the burden of proof is on the prosecutor, and more case law that says “an ability to pay” must be demonstrated before the penalties of incarceration can be applied.

The prosecutor has access to all of your records, such as employment, banks, etc., and is well aware that you can’t pay the money. They will not present that evidence even though, by law they are required to. Arguing your rights to due process or suggesting they have no evidence of an “ability to pay” will end up getting you put in jail for contempt anyway. Many States have limits for contempt proceedings, like a maximum of $500, yet it is common for them to demand far more. The only answer the court has is “pay up or go to jail,” and that answer was decided long before you entered the court.

Of course you can appeal this decision too, and of course it is in the same court. You know the answer to that. In some cases, they are known to enter that appeal or objection into the record of your case, but then simply refuse to answer it, not denying, dismissing or setting it for hearing - just ignore it! This is gross violation of every State’s Court Rules. Of course you can appeal to the Court of Appeals, but you can expect that to be after you have already done time in jail. Nor does “doing the time” relieve you of the financial demand, and in fact more support “debt” will accrue while you are in jail. They can, in most States, keep putting you in jail, up to a total six months in any given year, making it just that much more difficult to even make any payments.

They can, after three “offenses” put you in jail for up to ten years. After accumulating more than six months worth of child support debt, they can take away your driver’s license and any other “professional” licenses you may hold. Both of these would seem contrary to their supposed goal. You can’t find work or maintain a job without a car, and usually those professional licenses are the means you have of making any money. To understand all of this, go back to the statement back at the top, that it not about the child support money, but the Federal and State funding.

Paternity Fraud and the Welfare Mom

Two of the most critical abuses of this “Family Law” system involved how women are abusing it. Can’t really blame them, like in the Federal Tax system that provides “loopholes”, this system has holes you could drive a Mac truck through.

Paternity fraud is all too common. Most laboratories that do DNA paternity testing record that nearly a third of those tests come back as “not a match”. This includes married couples. No doubt there are thousands of cases that never get tested as well. Thousands of married fathers have discovered, only after going through a divorce, that another man fathered some of their children. Yet the courts claim that it would disrupt the children’s lives to discover that and is therefore not in the “children’s best interest”. The husband is ordered to continue to pay support for them, and even prevented from telling them on penalty of contempt.

It is common for an unmarried woman who had multiple partners during “the right time” to simply “pick a likely victim” and start prosecuting for the money. Many victims, because they did have sex with her, will not question the claim. While it would seem with the advent of DNA testing that it would be a “logical place to start”, most courts are resistant to insisting on “evidence,” commonly work to prevent testing at all or even just reject it under the guise of “the children’s best interest.” Also common, where the first “victim” turns out to not be the father, the women will just keep “going down the list”, until they get one who doesn’t “resist” or is actually proven to be the father. That list of “alleged” fathers, individually all get to pay the costs of testing and attorney fees, not to
mention the traumatic disruption of their lives.

Recent cases have also shown that some women have “retrieved” used condoms, even from men they never had sex with, and used the contents to impregnate themselves. The issues of a man’s right to choose to be a father go far beyond the scope of this article. Suffice it to say that, without a wink of consent of the father, a woman can choose to have an abortion, put a child up for adoption, abandon a child at the nearest fire station or hospital, or keep it and make the father pay for its support, often never even seeing his own child. Men have none of those choices, and are limited to the one and only choice, “pay up or go to jail.” The courts have long ignored that this is a clear violation of 14th Amendment rights to “equal treatment under the law” by hiding behind that ever present “the children’s best interest.”

Another common trick women use is to have multiple children by multiple fathers. As stated above, child support for once child is 17% of the father’s income, but only 25% if there are two children by the same father. For women, the solution is simple, by not having more than one child per father they can substantially increase the amount of child support they can receive. The Family Law system is actively discouraging marriage and family unity, and financially encouraging the “bastarding” of our society with fatherless children .

The Failure

Remember that the original intent of these laws was to reduce the costs to the taxpayer by reducing the needs for welfare. As a matter of statistical fact, it has not reduced the role of welfare even by 1%. The same percentage of fathers pay child support as did thirty years ago at its inception. Here, however, is where it gets truly ugly, and reveals that these government programs are the most destructive, debilitating and even deadly ever devised by our “public servants.”

The Basic Costs

While government child support advertises that it collected $18 billion in 2003, it also claims that the “administrative costs” were only $4.5 billion, or $1 spent for every $4 collected. This is a hidden lie. True, the administrative costs were as claimed. False, because they are only the beginning for the multiplicity of hidden costs.

One of the big keys to understanding this problem lies in understanding the money, or, as they say, follow the money trail. Caseworkers get a “bonus” for every case they “handle”, as do the agency heads. This commonly leads to, not only overburdening caseloads per caseworker, but also intentional acts to “create animosity and conflict” between couples to get them to “duke it out” so that there is a clear winner and a clear loser who pays child support. Joint custodies and equitable settlements are not in the caseworker or agency’s best interest. Bonuses are tied to some amount of child support being paid through their offices.

The Family Court judges get a “judicial award”. Every State has constitutional law that prevents a judge from being paid in relation to the “performance on his bench.” So it is commonly paid as an “award” to the judge’s retirement fund. Whether now or later, the judge personally profits by his acts. Further, that over-imputation of wages now comes into play, where the alleged amount owed is directly relevant to the amount of State and Federal funding. The higher the amounts owed, the bigger the paychecks.

Much of that State and Federal funding also goes to the courts and offices, which run the Family Law system. Besides these personal incentives, their professional “enterprise” gets more money to employ more people, and get new technology to pursue “the money” more effectively.

Virtually every responsible economist recognizes that the billions of dollars of child support supposed unpaid is not likely to ever be paid. Most experts agree that at least 90% of it is the product of the zealous fantasies of the public servants running these programs; and that the people who supposedly owe this debt simply don’t have the money and never did.

The Primary Hidden Costs

Even with extensive research, it is nearly impossible to discover the “hidden costs”, very likely because they don’t want us to know the real devastation being wrecked on the taxpayer. Hidden costs start where the judge “puts you on probation” for failing to pay child support. Ultimately this leads to a warrant for your arrest. Neither the caseworker and agency head nor the judge care much whether or not you actually pay, because they get even more State and Federal funds for putting people in jail for failing to pay child support.

The number of people in jail for failure to pay child support is a secret; and estimates range from 25% of all those incarcerated to 50% of all county jails. Either way, the numbers are staggering. First, the cost of incarcerating one person for a year is between $30-50,000. America has the highest incarceration rate in the world, at 1 person for every 147. If a quarter of those people are held for child support charges, the taxpayer for imprisoning “bad dads” is approximately $20 billion, or more than all the child support collected.

Those people sitting in jail are not earning money, and therefore not paying taxes, ergo creating “lost money.” Many people have to hire lawyers, not to defend themselves from their Ex, but to defend themselves from their own government. The “divorce industry” is booming for lawyers, and is primarily why both the American Bar Association and Trial Lawyers Association have been instrumental in developing this system, and have a fundamental interest in promoting its continuation. Remember that the judges and prosecutors are lawyers too.

Conservative estimates put these hidden “legal counsel” cost figures in the $100 billion range, and some experts suggest it may be as high as $200 billion. If incarceration costs run another $20 billion - or higher, and supposed “administrative costs” are about $4.5 billion, the American Public is paying a minimum of $125 billion to “collect a debt” of $18 billion. Remember that it still has not reduced welfare by a single iota and while the receivers of the child support do get “most” of their $18 billion, the primary receivers of the other $107 billion are not children, but lawyers and other members of the legal community.

Approximately 25,000 men committed suicide last year. While we do not know the exact reasons why, because they are not here to tell us, we do know that 80% of them were “recently involved” in a Family Court case. That, on average, is almost 400 men for every State. We can’t even begin to estimate that price tag, except, sardonically to say, that none of them are paying taxes anymore either.

Thousands more men languish in jails for crimes committed when the “snapped.” Having your children stolen from you, your house and all your property, often losing your job and then being put in “debtors prison” has a way of driving even a “reasonable man” over the edge. The recent events of the “East Coast Snipers,” whose story began in a Family Court on the West Coast, are only a small sample of the vast extent of this horrific policy.

The Grotesque Hidden Costs

It is our children who are and will pay the truly hidden costs, both in taxes, and in the quality of their lives. These programs are systematically, and intentionally, disenfranchising children from their fathers, because well, because it is good for big-government business.

Those who have an interest in perpetuating this system would have us believe that this is the fault of “bad dads” who don’t care to act as good parents to their children. Of course, now we have more tax money being spent to encourage fathers to act like better dads, but have not yet recognized the true source of these problems never was the dads.

Most dads do care very much about their kids, but these government programs are very much designed to drive them away in droves. Teaching “parenting skills” to a man who cannot afford to eat because of governmental extortions, is a futile scam, aimed solely at political pacification of “the masses” and not a purposeful address of the problems.

Children who are so disenfranchised from a father’s “guidance and counsel” are:

5 times more likely to commit suicide.
32 times more likely to run away.
20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.
14 times more likely to commit rape: This applies to boys of course.
9 times more likely to drop out of high school.
10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances.
9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution.
20 times more like to end up in prison.

All of the above are serious societal problems that, of course, require more tax money; but now to deal with all the bad kids they have purposefully created. Incidentally, those “bad boys” are also significantly more likely to become “bad dads” themselves. It is a downward spiraling system that can only ultimately get much worse. We cannot even begin to estimate the future fiscal costs to taxpayers, much less to the “fiber” of our society.

Band-Aids For A Cancer Patient

Recently, many states have announced legislative “studies”, introduced new legislation, or “amended” some of their “family law” system. Virtually all of it is akin to putting band-aids on a cancer patient. These committees consistently are composed of “family court” judges, family law attorneys, and caseworkers; and all are the very people whose greatest interest is in continuation of the status quo. A recent legislative study in Ohio is a prime case in point - the committee members were exactly as that stated above.

Beyond that, one of the most powerful key components is the Federal “guidelines and standards” which dictate formulas and rules to the State. Failing to meet those Federal formulas and rules means the reduction or complete cutting-off of those crucial Federal funds. It is these Federal funds that drive the States, and the incentive/bonus system, paid from those funds, that drives the people working for the legal system. Lawyers are driven by the lucrative hoard of litigation it all creates.

Many students of socio/economic political systems now acknowledge that the current system of Family Law in this country is nearly identical to the system used in the “old USSR.” Many also maintain that that system was, in large part, responsible for the collapse of that government. Our Family Law system is an abject socialism, not just “a little” socialistic, but a disease-ridden, corrupt socialism that will ultimately destroy us.

To suggest “something must be done about it” is woefully inadequate. “Who” is to do this “something”? Would we have more laws, rules and guidelines, and by the very people who are instrumental in designing and perpetrating this existing “plan”? Would we have more and bigger, big-government rule our lives? The answers to this are well beyond this author’s ability to even begin to suggest.

Except that this author will say: Simply eliminating the entire child support system would save the taxpayer at least 100 billion dollars every year. It might also just save our society.

This article was published without an author associated with it and it was on A Matter of Justice Coalition’s website. Reprinted with their permission.


MOSTCOMMENTS

BOOKLIST

OURCATEGORIES