That's a question I suppose I've thought about once or twice since my split. I have pretty strong feelings on the subject. Is it okay for the child(ren) to call the step-parent "mom" or "dad?" I know what one of my siblings went through and when that was an issue. It cut him to his core. In his case, there was malicious intent, which is the worst.
I imagine that there are situations where I could see someone making an exception. They might include the death of a spouse, the complete disappearance of the biological parent from the child(ren)'s lives from a very early age, and perhaps others I haven't considered. For the most part, I believe it's inappropriate. In fact, for me, it doesn't even matter how mean the ex-wife or ex-husband allegedly is/was. It's demeaning and potentially alienating to the other parent.
I know others who have called the step-parent any number of things, my favorites include: "Bonus Mom" and "Bonus Dad." (Credit to "The Not-So-Evil Stepmom" for my discovery.) Now there's a couple of honorable monikers! It just sounds perfectly honorable. Bonus Mom. Bonus Dad. Bonus Family.
The step-parent is not their father or their mother biologically and, particularly when there is a parent in their lives in some meaningful capacity (no matter how small), it's a personal affront to the biological parent that cuts deep. I know that this is probably tough for some to swallow because I know more than a few step-parents who are, in every conceivable capacity, better parents to their step-children than the biological parent. I'm sure that I'll hear some thoughts from those who have a new spouse who is their child(ren)'s parent "in every way that matters." Still, there is something deep-down inside me that prefers to see the titles of "Mom" and "Dad" reserved for the biological parents in all but the fewest exceptions. This feeling is probably rooted in my own fears that this could have been a point of contention (deliberately or otherwise) in the aftermath of my own divorce. I think as the children get older, my fear wanes and the likelihood of that ever coming up is dramatically reduced, if not completely eliminated.
In our situation, all of the children call us by our first names. Except our own. There have been slip-ups, which usually results in laughs. I can tell you that I wouldn't feel comfortable being called "dad" by DW's children because of how I feel about it. DW could best be described as indifferent when I asked her for her thoughts as I wrote this. Regarding if my children were to refer to her as "mom" - it wouldn't bother her one way or the other. As for her children calling another "mom," well, that would require an entirely different analysis.
DD1 once asked if she could call me "Dad" and I simply smiled and told her that, "you already have a dad, sweetheart, but you can call me by name." She's adorable for sure. Another time she pipes up at the dinner table and says, "You know what's really great about having LM? If Dad dies, we have still have another dad!" So, I referred to myself as "the backup Dad." Other than that, it's one issue we've manage to avoid over the years. (Can you hear me knocking on wood?)
If you're in such a family situation, how has this come up and/or how have you handled this situation? Let us know your thoughts.
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Step-Parenting: Call Them Mom/Dad? Or Something Else?
Labels: parenting, step-parenting
Posted by Mister-M at 6:49 AM
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13 comments:
Hey LM, DW,and all your gorgeous children! It's good old Uncle MCB here.
Just wanted to let you know, LM, how much I agree with you. Though, let me suggest that sometimes just letting the children choose for themselves what they will call you may be the best thing of all.
After having watched my sister, my nephew, my ex-brother-in-law, and my new brother-in-law ("R") these past 8 years, my nephew usually calls his stepdad by his first name.
But, as his biological father grows further and further away from him and "R" is there day after day being a real father to him, he sometimes slips up and calls him "Dad" without even realizing he's done it!
Now, there may be an odd-man-out syndrome going on here, too, as his two stepsisters and his one natural sister to "R" all call him "Dad/Daddy," so he may feel left out, being the only one around who is not "R"'s natural child.
Just one (single and childless) man's observation.....though if I could teach my furry "kids" to talk, I'd have them call me "Daddy!"
Loving the site! Keep up the good work.
I agree with much of what you write here, but not this one. But, I'm coming at it from the perspective of someone who has no biological children - just steps.
When this issue reared it's ugly head with us, I was accused of trying to "steal" the children because I didn't expressly forbid them from calling me "mom" - something they chose to do of their own accord, with absolutely no encouragement from my husband or myself.
It happened every once in a while - sometimes they would call me by my first name, and sometimes they would call me mom. In many instances I think it was more a matter of convenience than anything else. Eventually our PEW got wind of it and she blew her lid. She scolded the kids for calling me mom, forbid them to do it again, and unleashed a barrage of hate filled spew on my husband and I via e-mail for about a month - insisting that my husband "do something" about my "over-stepping my boundaries".
The result, in my opinion, is that the kids felt like they had done something to be ashamed of. They still do it every once in a while, usually at bedtime, and now I feel uncomfortable when they do because I don't know how to react.
I think it's natural for children to feel this way towards someone who does all the "mom" or "dad" things for them. I don't think it means they love their bio-mom or bio-dad any less, or that they've been somehow replaced in the children's minds.
The words mom and dad express a feeling that we have no other words for in our language. Telling the children they can't use it when they want to sends the message that we don't have enough room in our hearts to love everyone. That if we love another person, it means someone else gets loved less, and that's simply not true.
It also, in my opinion, makes the children your property. Your prize. They're not, they're little human beings who should be able to love who they want without fear of reprisal.
Excellent points! I fully expected (hoped) others would step forward with their thoughts and, of course, exceptions.
This is a highly personal topic, and only my opinion from what we have experienced.
SS (15) and SS (13) live with me (stepmom) and custodial father. BM has summers and Christmas, but used to have every other weekend. When SS (15) was 7 years old, and BM had moved back into our state and started having her weekends, SS would do what kids sometimes do and call her by another name (mine). This used to happen all the time at school (I teach) and a student would call me "Mom" or "Grandma" by accident instead of Mrs. so and so. Nothing malicious on the child's part, however BM read him the riot act because he would accidentally call her by my name.
One weekend, out of the blue, he asked his father and me if he could start calling me "Mom". We did not know at this point the problem he was having, so we asked him why? He told us the stories about how BM would get very angry at him, to the point where he was getting scared to even start a conversation with her in fear of the wrong thing slipping out. His little 7 year old brain had already worked out that if he called me "Mom" then he would be in the habit of saying it, and then when he went over there, he would be able to keep her from getting angry.
Now every person in a relationship with a stepchild knows this topic could make even the most rational person feel like their buttons are getting pushed. Imagine with a BPD BM who literally can't look past herself to see her children.
Because we knew he was only trying to make the change to protect his BM's feelings, and not because he felt that he had some type of obligation or pressure from us to say it, we told him he could do what made him feel the most comfortable. We also knew it would not be in anyone's best interest to approach this topic with BM, because she was already unbelievably difficult to deal with at this point and a whiff of this topic coming from dad would have sent her into lift-off. We figured since it would only affect his behavior at our house, that we would leave it up to him and leave it at that.
Unfortunately, his 7 year old little, naive brain did not process what he was about to do the next weekend he went over there. He "discussed" with BM his "plan". Needless to say he got in the car after that weekend and cried all the way home. BM had totally ignored why he wanted to do it - to protect her feelings - and instead had to tear out his heart in order to make him understand that "she" was his mother! He said her screaming at him had lasted longer than a movie, because they had just started watching it when the screaming started, and his brother ended up finishing the movie alone. She has also been sure to remind him of how "selfish" his dad and I are for wanting him to call me "mom" many times over the years. What is sad is each time she brings it up, he feels the hurt again of having tried to do a loving act for her and having his own heart stomped on.
I firmly believe that each individual case is different and blanket statements about children "always" or "never" calling a step parent "mom" or "dad" is selfish on all the adults' part. What should matter is the child and why they would want to do it or not do it. The boys have always called me by my name at home, but when talking to friends or teachers they refer to me as "my mom." As in, "I have to go ask my mom." "My mom and dad took us to the game." The boys know BM is their "mother", and semantics aren't going to change that. But I think all kids of divorce want something in their life to be easy and normal. Visitation schedules certainly aren't. They want to be able to hang with their friends or function at school, without having to go into an explanation about why they are different. Putting a step in front of everything, 'my step grandma, my step cousins, my step sister', exposes their situation daily, often several times a day, in situations where their parents aren't even around. All their friends and teachers know they are from a divorced family, and I think it seems unnecessary to them to highlight this fact all the time.
As a step-parent, all I could suggest to biological parents is to take the time to listen to your child or the other parent without getting defensive. While everything in your gut may tell you it is wrong, or disrespectful, or vindictive, aren't you also being wrong, disrespectful and vindictive by not allowing your child to try to blend in with some kind of normalcy that they had no control over losing?
No use of a word is going to make a child forget who his/her biological parents are or make him/her love them less. How you parent determines the relationship you have with your children (step and bio), not what they call you.
Unfortunately, BM has continued her selfish and inconsiderate behaviors towards the boys over the years, and SS 15 doesn't even visit her and rarely speaks to her on the phone. Thank god it is not because he started calling me "mom".
An issue close to my heart. My step kids call me by my first name, Claire. My mother in law desperately wants them to call me by something that reflects my status in their life. Unofrtunately, she thinks "Aunt Claire" is appropriate. I do not. My husband pointed out that it would have weird connotations of him marrying his sister and was bizarre etc. She nonetheless tries to get the kids (7 and 6) to come up with a name for me. I appreciate the sentiment. But I'm happy with Claire.
We let the children decide. I could care less whatt he skids call me, Dh could care less as well, it needed to be something they were comfortable with.
The kids all chose "mom" and "dad" and it was fine for 2 years until the BPDBM, who had already known about it--decided she wasn't okay with it anymore and told the skids they were not allowed to choose anymore and if they did not call me by my first name, they didn't love her.
It hurt the skids and freaked them out, since it had been a non- issue for a full 2 years and since it was their choice.
I am also a biomom and my kids call thier stepmother "mom." It doesn't bother me at all. It does nothing to impact my personal relationship with my children. I am who I am and my security does not lie in some name they only call me. My position and place in thier life is not impacted in any way by their calling the SM "mom." I know who I am, they know who I am. Even if I didn't get along with the SM, what they call her, is really between my kids and their SM and father.
For me, I let the child choose because it's just not a big deal.
The crazy BM has the skids call her husband Dad, she just is not okay with me being "mom" once she decided I needed to be invisible-ized.
Had she had an issue from the beginning, she'd have been fully supported and considered, but changing the rules 2 years into the game because she is threatened and trying to get a reaction from us-and in the process hurting her own children-- is stupid and transparent. Her relationship with her children has nothing to do with me or what they call me.
I recently asked the kids to please just think up another name for me though. A name is not worth the level of emotional investment and drama BM has now decided it requires. It's just a name.
I know people have strong feelings about this, but this is just what our adventures in parent names have been. Just my opinion.
I've written about this particular topic a few times on my blog. The nasty comments I have gotten in response often shocked me.
Here is my take:
My stepsons call me "Mom." The appearance of this job title coincided with the birth of their half-brother, my son. When speaking about me to other people, they refer to me by my first name or say "My Stepmom." There is no confusion about who gave them life.
Of course, BM was and is mightily unhappy about this particular thing---and I can say, I do understand how it makes her feel. However, it is important to point out that this isn't about her. The boys didn't stop calling her "Mom" and didn't all of a sudden have some profound confusion about who contributed their biological material.
I don't feel that their choice to call me "Mom" is disrespectful to their mother. I think it is another one of those situations where our adult feelings about the divorce create a perception that doesn't exist for the kids. Most of us had at least one close friend when we were growing up whose parents we called "Mom" and "Dad." I call my in-laws "Mom" and "Dad"--and I don't think this is disrespectful to my parents.
All of that being said, no child should ever be forced to call a stepparent "Mom" or "Dad." That is fundamentally wrong. I do think that we should respect their wishes for using these titles. Sometimes their desire to use these names is a demonstration of respect and/or love; but it might also be as simple as that it makes things appear less complicated than they are. I know my stepsons don't particularly enjoy explaining the breakdown of their family life.
In the beginning for us, my step-daughter wanted to call me “bonus mom”. But her mother pointed out that I could not be a “bonus mom” until I was legally married to her father (we dated for two, we lived together three years before we got married). She pointed out how she was married and how my step-daughter called him Daddy. (My step-daughter up to this point had called every boyfriend or husband that came through her mother’s house Daddy, until I came along). When we finally got married, the rules changed. My step-daughter was told, she could have two daddies but I was nothing to her. My step-Daughter was more confused than ever. Now five years later, my step-daughter has called 14 different people Daddy in her mother’s house. It is very sad but it is the one weapon that her mother can use. Now that she almost driving age, will the games ever end?
When LM and I discussed this post I told him that it didn't matter to me what his children called me, but that I didn't have a need for them to call me Mom, and I of course supported his position if he would rather they not. I do remember them asking once and he simply said, "you already have a Mom, DW loves you but you can just call her by her name." They accepted it and have never said anything else. I know it would be a huge disaster with PEW if they ever did call me Mom.
As for my kids I told LM it wouldn't bother me if my kids called someone else Mom if that person was instrumental in their life and supportive of our family as a whole. However, the story would be different if say, she was a PEW. I would not be happy. That's not to say I would go off on my children, I'd like to say I certainly would not, but I know I would feel betrayed that my kids could give a loving name to an evil person.
I definitely don't think any parent should force a child to do one or the other in the aftermath of a divorce. They have so many other things to worry about, it's just a name in the end.
I'm getting in on this one late...just saw it.
We've been having many discussions about this subject. We'd reached the conclusion that the kids would call DH by his first name after an awkward period during our very early marriage. They were very comfortable calling him Dad--probably due to early life experiences--but he was adamant that it not happen.
I am not their father he would often say....I am just the man who's raising them and paying their health insurance...:)Part boy's lawyer and he were shoving the "these aren't YOUR kids" crap down his throat at every shot in court and letters and so gag me--dad was off limits, almost offensive.
Now, we have a son...who calls him DeeDee.:)The girls have started calling him DeeDee...and it has stuck.
I firmly believe that the kids should be able to do what's comfortable for them. They usually call me Stephanie, Steph, or Stephie, but sometimes they slip and call me Mom by accident.
Other times, they are very intentional about it. There are just some situations in which it's easier to have me be "Mom" rather than having to explain our family situation. There are some situations in which it's easier for my son to call my husband "Dad" than explain, too.
I don't honestly care one way or the other. They could call me The Queen of Sheba or Gooberhead as long it was respectfully delivered.
I know who is mothering them. I know what my place is in their hearts. I know they're comfortable knowing that they can choose whatever title works. And those are the things that matter to me.
Boy is this one a minefield or what.
My boys have expressed a desire to call Mrs Wapiti (their stepmom) "mom". While my bride is okay with it, and the boys want to, I have always instructed them not to since (a) I would be very unhappy if my sons were to start calling some other guy "dad", and (b) my own PEW would hit the roof.
In fact, she already has, when the boys slip up and refer to Mrs. Wapiti as "mom" when they're with PEW.
As far as I'm concerned, my boys have one "mom" in their lives, and that is their BM, however rotten of a person she is.
A thornier question is how to deal with addressing step-grandparents. I'm uncomfortable with a young person calling someone more than 5x their age by their first name. It's a respect thing.
So over Christmas, I allowed my sons to call them Grandma and Grandpa, for lack of a better thing to call them. Boy, you should have heard the ruckus that PEW raised. It may even go to court, we'll see. I personally don't see an issue--the boys know who their bio grandparents are and I don't think there is any threat of there being any confusion.
Mr M, keep up the good work. I enjoy reading someone else's experiences with mad (as in crazy as well as PO'ed) ex wives.
Being both a BM and a SM I am confused by how personally this is taken. My mother always called my Dad's parents Mom & Dad even after the divorce and vice versa. This never upset or offended my mother's or father's parents. Why is it different to call your Mother-in-law MOM, but not your Step-mom MOM?
My oldest BD(now 20) came to me at 5 and told me she wanted to call her SM "MOM". Even though I didn't know her SM at all I was elated with the thought that my daughter had another person that she felt loved by. To this day, both of us refer to her two SM as "her MOM". When she graduated high school she told everyone how lucky she was because all 3 of her MOM's were there.
Recently my SS(6) came to me and asked me if he could call me "MOM". I told him I was so flattered by that and I would be proud for him to do so, but he needed to talk with his BM about it. She for some reason vetoed it right away telling him it is disrespectful of her feelings. Even though I don't understand I try to be okay with it. Of course my SS still calls me MOM and has told me not to tell his BM or she will get mad at him. This is even more difficult for me to handle because I don't want to encourage him to be dishonest with his BM so I have tried to come up with a name that will make him happy, but not offend his BM. Still working on that one, but thanks for the info.
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