PAS: A Very Sad Story

I am a stepmother of 8 years. My stepchildren are almost grown now, 19 and 17 years old, and they live with us - my husband and I, and my 21 year old son. Their relationship to their mother is very, very bad - almost non-existent - due to her 8 year long efforts to win them over to 'her side' and teach them how to hate my husband (and me). It has backfired on her, the children have chosen on their own to move in with us (they used to share custody 50/50) and they hardly have any contact with their mother. It's not a happy solution for anyone - the kids are sad that their mother hates their father more than she loves them and won't leave them out of it, and she is sad that her children have left her and can't figure out why. She claims that we have alienated them against her. She does not understand that she did that all on her own.

One of the most horrible examples of her alienation attempts is something my stepdaughter didn't tell us until she had lived with us for quite a while: When she was only 12 years old, her mother told her that her father had raped her mother repeatedly when they were married. This is a complete fabrication, of course, and the ex claims to have been raped by a lot of men through her life. My stepdaughter was in no way able to process these claims at that age, and didn't dare ask her father if it was true. She didn't really believe it, but it was in the back of her mind until she told us about it 4 years later, in tears. She still needed her dad to tell her that it was not true.

The ultimate victims of parental alienation are the children. As adults, we know what is true or not about what is being claimed about us, but the child has no way of knowing for sure. They also don't have the emotional tools to process misinformation, and they feel too ashamed and uncomfortable to ask. They end up confused and angry, doubting everyone and trusting no one.

Arwen

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